Category: Relationships

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Who’s Filling Your Cup?

As human beings we have basic needs. Some are physical like food, oxygen, water, sleep.  We also have needs for our inner being or our soul.  This includes the realm of our emotions.  This is what fills our cup and keeps us going.  There are four basic soul needs that all of us crave.  We are all created with these needs and we all search for ways to meet these needs everyday.  Most of the time we look in the wrong places to meet these needs.  So here they are:

  1. Acceptance – Knowing you are loved and needed by others.
  2. Identity – Knowing you are individually significant and special.
  3. Security – Knowing you are well protected and provided for.
  4. Purpose – Knowing you have a reason for living.

These basic needs are the driving force behind what motivates us in life.  Just like we crave food and develop an appetite, we crave emotionally to have these needs met on a regular basis.  If we go too long with these basic needs unmet, we become depressed, anxious, fearful, angry, lonely, and numb.  These are needs, so we must have them met or we cannot survive.  The problem is that the way we seek to meet these needs is primarily through other people or things.  When we do that three things usually result:

  1. We will be disappointed with the results, no matter how well things go.
  2. We will lack the inner resources we need to love others the way we should and confront life successfully.
  3. We almost always will be hurt or offended eventually by the one we trust.

When we trust in people and things our inner security is dependent on someone or something we cannot predict or control and that is limited.  Often our ability to give is dependent on what we get from from others.  If I am not getting what I want, then I don’t give what I know I should.  This leads to a life of disappointment and frustration.  When our expectations are that others meet these needs it creates a negative atmosphere of tension in our relationships.  It can even push the people around us away and create a gap in our relationships.  We are constantly disappointed with the people around us, because they can never live up to our expectations of meeting these four basic needs.

The answer is to put our trust in God to meet these basic needs.  When we trust in God our inner strength and security are dependent on God who is faithful and has unlimited resources.  Our ability to give to others flows from God living in us.  When others are not giving to us, we can still love generously and unconditionally which strengthens all our relationships over time.  Our lives are filled with an atmosphere of blessing, satisfaction and optimism because our perspective has changed from other people to God.  Our expectations of others changes, which takes pressure off of them and us.

So, who is meeting your basic needs?  If it is other people, let me encourage you to turn to God and ask Him to meet those needs of acceptance, identity, security and purpose.  As your relationship with God grows those basic needs are met in a deeper and more significant way.  The results are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control.

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Likeability

 

Are you the kind of person other people like to be around?  Do people look forward to meeting with you and spending time with you?  Being a likeable person takes effort and intentionality.  Here are four things you can do to become more likeable:

  1. Love Life – Celebrate; don’t complain.  Have fun and enjoy the journey.
  2. Expect the best of people and treat them well – Think the best about people until they prove you wrong.
  3. Give people hope – Everyone is looking for hope, that things can get better.
  4. Share yourself – Be vulnerable and real.  Share your heart, wisdom and resources.

That’s a good start, now go out and do it.

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Three Keys to Good Relationships

 

Life is all about relationships.  When our relationships are healthy, our lives tend to be healthy.  When our relationships are strained or broken we are strained and broken.  Our closest relationships are the ones that affect us the most.  Having and maintaining healthy relationships takes work and constant learning.  The reason relationships take work is because each of us tend to be selfish at times and that hurts our relationships.  When we stop trying to improve ourselves, the people around us suffer.  That is why we should always be working on ourselves and how we can strengthen our character.  As I think about keys to healthy relationships, it really boils down to these three areas:

  1. Understand People – This is no small task, because people are very complicated.  We all have different experiences, beliefs, hurts, habits and hang-ups.  As we grow older these things all come out in our relationships.  Things that happened to us as a child effect us as adults.  Whether it is lies we are believing, hurtful experiences or our worldview, it all effects our relationships with the people around us.  To better understand people we need to be curious about the people around us.  We need to be able to connect on a deeper emotional level by talking about those past experiences, core beliefs and worldview.  We need to discover what their love language is and then speak that language with them on a regular basis.  We also need to read books about relationships that can help us to better understand why we do what we do.  Here are three books that have helped me a lot in the area of relationships:  “The DNA Of Relationships”  By Gary Smalley – “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman – “Love & Respect” by Emmerson Eggrichs.
  2. Love People – Not many of us love people well.  We tend to be judgmental, hold grudges, be selfish, rude, sarcastic and jealous.  How to love well is clearly explained to us in the Bible.  The Apostle Paul wrote about the importance of love in 1 Corinthians 13.    He basically says that we can have all kinds of gifts and abilities, but if we don’t have love we have nothing.  Listen to these words about how to love:  “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”  Read that again and put your name in place of love, does that describe who you are?  If not start today to change that.
  3. Help People – To have healthy thriving relationships we need to have a servants mindset.  We should be thinking about how we can serve and help the people around us.  We can only do this well if we understand the people around us and are loving well.  To help people we need to be able to add value to their lives.  Are the people around you benefiting from knowing you, or are you the only one benefiting?  When we add value to others we are building up our account with that person.  They will want to be around us and spend time with us.  If we are only taking in a relationship people will not want to spend time with us.  Helping people starts with the mindset of serving.  This does not come naturally to us because we are wired to look out for ourselves and not others.  This needs to be balanced with taking care of ourselves, so that we are healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually.  When we are healthy, we can serve and add value to those around us.  So that means going to a counselor, meeting with a mentor and working through our junk.  That can be a great way of helping others by helping ourselves.

Relationships really matter and the harder we work on ourselves and our relationships the happier and healthier we will be.  One last thought about relationships.  Forgiveness is needed in every relationship in order last over time.  We will hurt each other and let each other down, and the ability and desire to reconcile and forgive is vital to long term relationships.  I will talk more about forgiveness later.

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The Fear Factor in Relationships

 

None of us need new ways to screw up our relationships.  The way in which we mess things up is working just fine.  Most of us tend to fail in the same ways over and over again.  It is part of our hard wiring that has happened over our entire lives.  We have learned how to deal with pain, in mostly unhealthy ways.  At the core of our behaviors that cause problems in our lives is fear.  Fear is what drives us to do and say things that mess up our relationships.  These fears have been embedded in us over a long period of time and when certain buttons are pushed, the fear rises up and out rushes our response to the heat or pain we are experiencing.  Our emotions are an indicator of what is going on inside of us.  They are like warning lights that something is not right.  Fear will amplify those emotions to the point of no return.

So the question we need to ask ourselves is what do I do when I am afraid?  What is my typical reaction when my fear button gets pushed?  Here is a list of some of the most common unhealthy reactions we have:

  • Withdrawal – You avoid others or alienate yourself without resolution; you sulk or use the silent treatment
  • Escalation – Your emotions spiral out of control; you argue, raise your voice, fly into a rage
  • Try Harder – You try to do more to earn other’s love & care
  • Blaming – You place responsibility on others, not accepting fault; you’re convinced the problem is the other person’s fault
  • Exaggeration – You make overstatements or enlarge your words beyond the bounds or the truth
  • Denial – You refuse to admit the truth or reality
  • Defensiveness – Instead of listening, you defend yourself by providing an explanation
  • Passive-aggressive – You display negative emotions, resentment, and aggression in passive ways, such as procrastination and stubbornness
  • Complaining – You express unhappiness or make accusations; you criticize, creating a list of the other person’s faults
  • Anger and Rage – You display strong feelings of displeasure or violent and uncontrolled emotions
  • Humor – You use humor as a way of not dealing with the issue at hand
  • Sarcasm – You use negative humor, hurtful words, belittling comments, cutting remarks, or demeaning statements
  • Minimization – You assert that the other person is overreacting to an issue; you intentionally underestimate, downplay, or soft-pedal the issue
  • Rationalization – You attempt to make your actions seem reasonable; you try to attribute your behavior to credible motives; you try to provide believable but untrue reasons for your conduct

There are many more I could list, but I am sure there are several responses in here that we all can claim as to how we respond when the heat is turned up in our lives.  These responses usually bring the same results, however we continue to use them in our conflict situations, because we truly believe we are doing the right thing.  We are trying to get the other person to stop whatever behavior triggered the fear inside of us.  Unfortunately each of these reactions only tends to poke at the fear inside the other person, which causes them to respond in one of these ways as well.

So around we go doing this dysfunctional, awkward, relational dance with the people around us.  The fears we experience are a result of lies that we truly believe.  Some of the most common fears that cause these reactions are as follows:

  • Rejection – The other person doesn’t want me or need me; I am not necessary in this relationship; I feel unwanted
  • Disconnection – We will become emotionally detached or separated; I will feel cut off from the other person
  • Failure – I am not successful at being a husband/wife, friend, parent, coworker; I will not perform correctly; I will not live up to expectations; I am not good enough
  • Inadequate – I am not capable; I am incompetent
  • Invalidated – Who I am, what I think, what I do, or how I feel is not valued
  • Unloved – The other person doesn’t care about me; my relationship lacks warm attachment, admiration, enthusiasm, or devotion
  • Judged – I am always being unfairly judged; the other person forms faulty or negative opinions about me; I am always being evaluated; the other person does not approve of me.
  • Ignored – The other person will not pay attention to me; I feel neglected

There are many more fears as well, but again I think each of us can identify several fears we struggle with.  As we identify these fears and begin to understand the lie behind it and what is going on inside of us when these fears rise up, we can begin to change the way in which we choose to respond.  This is called self-awareness.

The best way in which to overcome these fears is by growing closer to God and fully understanding how only He can meet the deep emotional needs that we all have.  Our fears will never go away, but we can learn to turn to God when they pop up and lean on Him for the strength we need to respond in a healthy, humble way.  The best way to fight fear is with fear.  What I mean by that is when we have a healthy fear or reverence for God it helps us to have more courage in the face of the inner fears we have.  The fear of the Lord is what sets us free from the fear of man, finances, death, divorce and the future.

The Bible says that fear and love cannot cohabitate.  So when our hearts are filled with God’s love we have the power to react or respond in a different way.  We can hold our tongue, listen and try to understand, ask questions to clarify, wait for the right time to confront, seek help from others, admit our part, ask for forgiveness, grant forgiveness, use words that are positive and encouraging, use body language that is open and loving.  Fear is all about ourselves, while love is all about other people.  Fear is inward focused while love is outward focused.  Every time we face a fear we have an opportunity to trust God or trust ourselves.  When we trust God, even when we don’t know the outcome, we grow closer to Him and farther away from those fears.

So what is keeping you from surrendering everything to God and trusting Him?  What is keeping you from fearing God more than man?  What emotional wall are you hitting repeatedly that causes fear to rise up inside of you?  What reactions need to be changed in order to improve your relationships?

The list of reactions and fears came from Gary Smalley and his book – “The DNA of Relationships.”

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Healthy Emotions, Healthy Relationships

Most of life is about relationships, and the health of those relationships determines the success and happiness we experience.  Our lives are either up or down based on the health of the relationships around us.  Whether it is the relationship with a spouse, a child, a parent, a brother or sister, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a boss or a co-worker, a friend or even God; when things are going well we tend to feel good and when they are going bad we feel down.

God made us to be relational by nature.  His design for us was to not lone, but in community or relationship with others.  The health of all of our relationships depends a lot on our own emotional health.  We cannot control what other people do, think or say, but we can control what we do, think or say.  Most of the problems in our marriages and other vital relationships stem from being unhealthy in our own emotions.

We all have emotional baggage that we carry with us.  Wounds from previous relationships tend to stay with us and affect how we interact with the people around us.  The scars from those wounds can actually cause us to think and act in unhealthy ways, because we are trying to protect ourselves from getting wounded again.  Many people have also observed or lived around unhealthy relationships that have influenced how they now handle conflict or deal with difficult situations.  All of this stuff from our past causes us to have deep rooted fears that keep us from living life the way God intended.

So here is the question; How do we overcome these fears and live life to the fullest?

There is no easy way in which to do this.  However, a great first step is to go back in order to go forward.  By going back, I do not mean to dwell on your past, what I mean is to deal with your past.  One of the best ways I have found to do this is through a process called “Steps to Freedom in Christ” by Neil Anderson.  I have taken many people through this process and have seen amazing results.  I highly recommend using the booklet to walk through these steps and to do it with a spiritual mentor.  Here are the Seven steps:

  1. Counterfeit vs. Real – This first step is all about renouncing the things from our past that we may have dabbled in that are not of God, and that may have contributed to believing lies about ourselves, God and other people.
  2. Deception vs. Truth – The second step is a process of identifying lies that we may believed or have believed in the past and replacing them with the truth.  There is a set of truth statements that I use often for myself and the people I mentor to read through and focus on.
  3. Bitterness vs. Forgiveness – The third step is often one of the biggest and most freeing step as we work through the process of forgiveness.  This exercise is one of the most powerful exercises I have done personally or with someone else.
  4. Rebellion vs. Submission – Step four is about admitting our tendency to rebel and to ask for God’s help in submitting in a healthy way.
  5. Pride vs. Humility – Step five is often hard, but vital in gaining emotional and spiritual freedom.  Admitting to areas of pride and seeking humility leads to incredible strength and freedom.
  6. Bondage vs. Freedom – The sixth step is about admitting all the sins that we have struggled with in our life and asking God for forgiveness.  There are specific prayers to pray based on what types of sins may be keeping us in bondage.
  7. Curses vs. Blessing – This last step has to do with the sins of our family.  Every family has generational sins that have been passed down from generation to generation.  This can stop with you.

There are prayers included at the end that are helpful in maintaining freedom and keeping God central in our lives.

Once a year we should all do a spiritual and emotional check up and this is one way to do that.  This is all about allowing God to heal the wounds and eliminate the scars from our past, so that we can live in freedom and have healthy relationships moving forward.

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The Art of Confrontation

 

Conflict is all around us, none of us can escape conflict.  We try to avoid it, we try to minimize it, we try to attack it but we should resolve it.  Usually the way to reach resolution is through confrontation.  In a conflict situation the best way to obtain peace is to start by confronting the issue.  The problem is for most of us the idea of confronting is not something we are good at and we often do it in the wrong way.  This will usually cause the conflict to get worse.  Jesus was very good at confrontation.  He gave us some clear examples of how to do it.  One of those times is in John 8:48-59.  Jesus is having a showdown with some of the leader’s of the Jews.  Here are four steps Jesus used to get to the heart of the issue:

  1. He was clear and direct – Often times when we confront we are not able to be clear, because our emotions are clouding our thinking.  The best way to confront someone is by being as clear and direct as possible.  This should not be done in a condescending way or in an aggressive attacking way.
  2. He did not draw attention to himself – He did not get all emotional and throw a temper tantrum.  He didn’t puff himself up and try to make himself look good or look smarter.
  3. He laid out the issues and asked for a decision – Many times we don’t lay out all the cards, or if we do, we don’t ask for a decision.  If the person needs more time to process and think, give them time but come back to the real issues and how to resolve them.
  4. He trusted God to justify and reveal the truth – Sometimes we can’t completely resolve a situation, but we should always try.  We must trust that God is going to continue to work in this situation as long we are being obedient to owning our part of the conflict and confronting in a loving way with the right motives.

Here are some more takeaways on the right way to confront:

  1. Clarify the desired relationship you wish to have
  2. Make sure you have the right motives, speak the truth in love
  3. Define the unacceptable behavior
  4. Highlight your values and priorities, what’s important to you?
  5. List the conduct that illustrate your point – be specific
  6. Share the possible consequences if no resolution can be reached
  7. Offer hope for a new future – reconciliation is the goal

Resolving conflict is never easy, but always worth the effort.

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5 Mistakes Women Make in Marriage

My last post was about the mistakes a lot of the guys make in their marriage.  That was easy for me to write about as I am one of those guys.  Writing about mistakes women make in marriage is a little more challenging.  This comes from years of counseling couples and listening to their frustrations and problems.  Just like my post about the guys, I am sure there are other things that could be mentioned, but let’s start with these five for now.  These are similar to the mistakes that men make.

  1. Loving your husband conditionally – This is what I call performance based love.  When the man performs a certain way or does what is expected, the wife tends to show love and respect.  The real test of love is when that is not happening.  When expectations are not met and his behavior is not what you want, do you love him less?  Maybe you wouldn’t say you love him less, but does your response and behavior communicate that to him or does it communicate that when he straightens up then you will show him some love?
  2. Not making sex a priority – Just like the men, women can make the mistake of thinking that men should approach intimacy the same as them.  Men are not as emotional as women and therefore most guys don’t connect emotionally very well.  For most men the thought of intimacy means sex.  Physical intimacy is how most men feel close to their wives.  Without that type of intimacy they can feel unloved.  It may be enough for you to talk, hug and kiss, but for most guys that just gets the engine running.  Talk with your husband about sex and see what happens.  Life can be very busy and hectic, and it can be hard to have time for the two of you to be intimate, but if you don’t it’s a big mistake.
  3. Forgetting how to be your husbands friend – One of the things I have observed in many marriages is that they are no longer best friends.  Most guys desire their wives to be their best friends.  That means doing fun stuff together, hanging out, going out to eat and being able to talk about what is going on in their lives.  Find something you can do together to have fun and relieve stress.  Go back to the days when you were dating.  When you acted like you were interested in sports or cars or his work.  When you did that it made him feel important and that he was sharing his life with you.  He needs you to be his friend, not his mother.
  4.  Not encouraging your husband – Most men crave encouragement.  The way you speak to your husband will say a lot about your relationship.  When you encourage your man, he feels respected, which is even more important to him than love.  Encouragement can come through words either spoken or in writing.  It can also just be simple body language that communicates to him that you are proud of him and think that he is doing a great job.  Being there for him in the important moments of his life whether that is at work or with one of his hobbies.  So when was the last time you encouraged your husband in a positive way?
  5. Not being clear in your communication – Men and women think differently, see things differently, hear things differently and communicate differently.  One of the mistakes some women make is to expect their man to pick up on what is going on in your life.  Most guys are not that observant.  It really helps when you clearly state why you are upset or what you would like us to do.  Hinting about it is very frustrating for most men.  Most men are pretty simple and when communication becomes complicated they tend to shut down.  The more clear you communicate, the fewer misunderstandings tend to happen.  You also need to be aware of your nonverbal communication.  You might be saying something but communicating another because of your tone of voice and facial expressions.  So understand your own communication style and his and make any adjustments necessary.  If communication is a big problem in your marriage, I recommend you get some help.  Go get help from a mentor or counselor.  I recommend you don’t demand he go with you, but let him know you would like him to go if he wants to, but that you want to go to try to improve yourself so you can be a better wife.

I hope some of those thoughts were helpful.  My last thought is this.  Don’t make the mistake of not building spiritual intimacy with your husband.  It may only be you praying for him in the beginning, but that can be very powerful.  Remember you can’t change him, you can only change yourself.

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5 Mistakes Men Make In Marriage

Healthy relationships take work and a willingness to learn and grow.  For men this can be a very challenging thing.  Most men tend to struggle in relationships because we don’t realize some of the mistakes we are making.  Marriage is the closest relationship we have and as men we need to make some big changes in order to have happy, healthy marriages.  Just a quick word to the guys reading this.  Most guys work hard at improving themselves in their work life.  We study, practice, and learn from more experienced people in order to become better at our jobs.  We do the same thing with our hobbies.  Why should it be any different when it comes to the most important relationship in our lives.

So here are 5 mistakes that I have made along with most men.  Now there are probably a lot more mistakes that the ladies reading this can come up with, but that would feel like nagging and most guys would tune that out quickly.  Here are the top 5 things guys can work on to quickly improve their relationship with their wives:

  1. Loving Our Wives Conditionally – This is hard to admit for most guys, because we like to think that we love our wives unconditionally.  The reality is that most men have conditions for their love.  If she performs in the way we like, we express love to her.  When she cleans the house, takes care of the children, cook the food, and run the household then we are happy and love her.  However when things don’t go like we think it should we tend to get angry, frustrated, disappointed and withhold love.  When she does not show us the respect we think we should have we don’t love her the way we should.
  2. Thinking Her Definition Of Intimacy Is The Same As Ours – When men think about intimacy we usually think sex.  This is not the case for our wives.  It’s about an emotional connection, being able to talk about the important stuff going on in her life.  She see’s intimacy as a deep emotional connection, when we take the time to really focus on her and listen without trying to fix things.  For most women the emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy are very much connected.  For men we tend to keep them separate.
  3. Not Encouraging Our Wives Enough – Many wives do a ton of things that go unnoticed.  Running a household, caring for children, preparing food, planning schedules, paying bills working outside the home, volunteering at school or church.  Most of us husbands take all this for granted and don’t thank and encourage our wives nearly enough.  We can’t say it often enough.  When we take the time to notice all the things she does and thank her specifically for them, it sends a message to her that she is valuable, important and treasured.
  4. Not knowing her Love Language – There are five love languages that express love to the people in our lives.  In marriage this is a vital part of developing a close healthy relationship.  Most of us guys don’t even think about how to express love to our wives let alone understanding what her love language is.  We usually speak our own love language to our wives, which may not be her top love language.  So here are the five areas:  Words of Affirmation/Encouragement, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Acts of Service & Physical Touch.  When we take the time to find out which of those are more meaningful to our wives we send a message that we care and want to love her better.  When we actually do it on a regular basis our marriage will improve dramatically.  Remember actions speak louder than words.  To learn more about the Five Love Languages read the book by that title by author Gary Chapman.
  5. Not Building Spiritual Intimacy With Our Wives – If we want our marriages to go from good to great, then we need to bring the spiritual element into our marriages.  Most of us men don’t ever connect with our wives on a spiritual level.  This adds a whole new dimension of intimacy that is missing in most marriages.  When we as men take the lead on spiritual stuff, it sends a message to our wives that we desire to grow with them.  Being on the same page spiritually brings peace & strength to the relationship.  Couples that are spiritually active together rarely get divorced.  This would include things like church attendance, small group participation, praying together, praying for each other daily, doing devotions together, having spiritual conversations attending seminars or classes together, praying with and for your children.  When we take the initiative to lead our families spiritually amazing transformation starts to happen.  This all starts with us making a commitment to grow spiritually ourselves.  We cannot force this on our wives, but we can start with ourselves.

Well guys, I hope this was a helpful start in making adjustments or changes in your marriage relationship.  My next post will be on 5 Mistakes Women make in marriage.

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5 Steps to a Healthy Marriage

This week and gave a speech on healthy marriages at a local business.  I was very impressed that the leader of this organization was investing in his employees by offering helpful information on how to be healthy in all parts of their lives.  They have heard talks about finances, wills and physical health and I was now addressing relational health.

If one area of our lives is out of whack it negatively impacts the other parts of our lives even though we think we can compartmentalize each area of our lives.  When our marriage is hurting, it impacts our emotional state and increases the amount of stress we feel on a daily basis.  That stress impacts our work performance, our parenting skills and our ability to focus and make good decisions.

Marriage is difficult because this is the closest we get to another human being, which brings out all the ugly stuff inside us.  We all bring our picture of marriage to the table.  What we have learned about marriage from our parents, television, movies and friends.  Most of it is not accurate and sets us up for disappointment and failure.  These are the 5 steps I shared with that group that I believe are vital to having a healthy marriage.

  1. Understand & Speak the Right Love Language – We each have a love account, like a bank account that needs to to have regular deposits in it to avoid being overdrawn.  If more is taken out of the account than put in we soon feel empty, hurt and unhappy.  The 5 Love Languages are how we make those deposits.  They are all important, but 1 or 2 are usually more important than others to each person.  We often project our love language on the other person instead of discovering which one is most important to them.  When you understand which language speaks love to your spouse and then work at speaking it through actions the marriage relationship grows stronger and healthier.
  • Words of Affirmation – The way in which we speak to each other either builds up or destroys.  If this is a primary love language words hurt or help even more.
  • Acts Of Service – Actively serving the other person by noticing things that need to be done and doing them before being asked.
  • Receiving Gifts – If this is a primary love language receiving a gift like flowers or even a small token make the person feel like they are valuable and special.
  • Quality Time – Planning time together and where we can focus on just on another.  This communicates to the other person that they are the most important person on the schedule.
  • Physical Touch – Hugs, kisses, holding hands, a touch on the shoulder and sex are some of the ways to speak love to a person with this love language.

The way to identify which ones are most important to you is to ask yourself which ones can I do without and which ones can’t I do without.  If you have not been speaking your spouses love language for a while it will be difficult in the beginning because it will feel somewhat fake.  However the more you do it the better you will become and the more likely your spouse will reciprocate.

2.  Understand & Stop the Fear Dance – The fear dance is the cycle we go through when we have conflict.  I get hurt, I want things to be different or change, I feel my emotions like anger, frustration coming up (Core Fear is touched), I respond usually in an unhealthy way and the same cycle happens with my spouse.  We all have core fears like fear of failure, fear of being inadequate, incompetent, unheard, abandon etc.  When we can understand which core fears we have we can better stop the fear dance and resolve conflict in a healthy way.  To learn more about the fear dance read the book “The DNA Of Relationships” by Gary Smalley.

3.  Understand & Nurture the 3 kinds of Intimacy

  • Emotional Intimacy – This is friendship, we should be best friends with our spouse.  Doing fun things together, sharing what is going on in our lives, being completely open and honest with each other.
  • Spiritual Intimacy – This is connecting on a spiritual level by being in agreement on our beliefs and then doing things together that reinforce those beliefs like going to church together, praying together, reading together, talking about spiritual things together and with others that are like minded.
  • Physical Intimacy – This is when we share our bodies with each other and submit to each other physically.  Knowing how to please the other person.  This is usually where we start in a relationship, but the other two need to come first for this to be healthy.

4.  Understand & Change the Way We Communicate – Communication is vital to a healthy marriage, but communication is not just talking.  Here are a few communication ideas to help improve communication.

  • Really Listen – Most of us don’t really listen.  We make attempts at it, but don’t consistently listen well.  Listening is the most important part of communication, because when we listen well we can avoid misunderstandings and we let the other person know that they are valuable and important to us.  By simply listening, we can improve the health of our marriage instantly.
  • Speaker/Listener technique –  This is a simple way to communicate through conflict.  When someone has an issue they want to talk about they have the floor or the microphone.  Using a pen as the microphone the person explains what the issue is.  The other person can only ask clarifying questions and repeat back what the other person said.  When the person with the floor feels heard they turn over the microphone and the other person can share their side.
  • Be interested, not Interesting – This means that instead of sharing everything about yourself and your day and what you accomplished, you are more interested in what your spouse did and how their day went.  By asking some simple questions and then shutting up and listening you communicate that your spouse is important.
  • Know Your Filter – Men see and hear things much differently than women.  Therefore we always need to make sure that we don’t assume this is what the other person meant.  We also have all had different experiences and circumstances in our lives that cause us to filter things in different ways.  Again, don’t jump to conclusions without asking questions like help me to understand what just happened.

5.  Understand & Practice Forgiveness – No relationship will last very long without practicing forgiveness.  Being quick to admit when we are wrong and humbling ourselves will build a healthy marriage.  Forgiveness is not forgetting, but it is the first step toward forgetting.  When we are healed we tend to forget the previous hurts and don’t keep bringing them back up.  Forgiveness does not mean we don’t have boundaries either.  Sometimes we need boundaries until the other person can show a change in behavior, even though we have forgiven them.

These are some things that have helped my marriage over the last 22 years.  Practice them and I am sure things will begin to improve and become more healthy.  Sometimes we need some help getting started and that is when counseling or mentoring can help.  Meeting with a mentor couple or a counselor or both can help you get on track and start reconciliation.  We offer marriage mentoring at NewPointe Community Church for couples that want to restore and rebuild their marriage.  For more information you can check out this website – Marriage 911.

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Forgiveness and an Amish Boy

Unforgiveness is like cancer, it eats away at our insides and causes all kinds of pain and suffering.  We live in a world that is not perfect.  People let us down, hurt us, disappoint us and sometimes even intentionally cause physical or emotional damage to our lives.  When these things happen to us we always have a choice in how we handle those situations.  It really depends on where our heart is at, as to how we handle these difficult times in our lives.  If our heart or emotional state is healthy and focused on our relationship with God, we tend to handle these situations better.  When we are in communication with God and have the Holy Spirit in us, we can respond in a healthy way.  However if we are not in a good place emotionally and are not focused on God it is very easy to respond in unhealthy ways, which leads to a downward spiral.

About 8 months ago I went through an exercise on forgiveness that I had helped many other people go through.  I decided I should do it myself since I am asking others to do it.  What happened was a surprise to me and has become a defining moment in my spiritual journey.  So here is what happened.

I found some time to be completely alone and uninterrupted and started by connecting with God through prayer.  I asked God to open my mind and my heart to whatever He wanted to do in me.  I asked God to bring to my mind all the people that have hurt me in any way.  Once I had spent some time in prayer and had mentally & emotionally prepared myself, I got out a piece of paper and started writing down the names that came to my mind.  I had done this with other people and some people would only have a few names and others would fill a couple of pages.  The key is that you write down all the names God brings to you in that moment, even if you think you have already forgiven them and even if it seems like it was insignificant.

So I start writing down names, expecting to only have a few because I am a forgiving kind of guy.  To my surprise I nearly filled a full sheet of paper.  The next thing I did was to write beside each name what that person did to me and how it made me feel.  This was the hard part, bringing up all those old thoughts and emotions.  It was tempting to skip through this, but I took my time with each name and took myself back to those times I felt hurt, frustrated and angry.  I could feel some of those same emotions as I thought about what had happened.

One of the biggest surprises on my list was an Amish boy I went to Elementary school with.  He was a year older than me and I don’t remember much about him other than we got into a fight in the boys restroom one day at school.  I don’t remember what we were fighting about, but I do remember how I felt.  With a bunch of my friends watching this Amish boy pinned me to the bathroom floor and laughed at me.  As I squirmed and tried to free myself I heard others laughing as well.  I remember him standing on my ankles and pinning my wrists with his hands.  I had not thought about that incident for a very long time, but it was still there in my mind and in my heart.  I remember everyone else leaving the bathroom after the fight and I was alone in there.  I felt humiliated, angry and weak.  As I walked out of the bathroom I remember breaking a small mirror on the wall.

That memory was buried deep inside me and God brought it out.  It helped me to see how that had created some fears inside of me that had stayed with me all these years.

Once I finished writing out each emotion and circumstance I started to pray through each  person.  I simply prayed that I choose to forgive the person by name and what they did to me and how it made me feel.  I asked God to heal the damaged emotions and help me to release this person and the negative emotions attached to that person.  I thanked God for helping me forgive as He forgave me.

When I finished the last name, I actually felt lighter.  Almost like I had lost some weight.  I felt free and energized.  I spent some time just meditating on God’s goodness, love, acceptance and forgiveness.  What an amazing experience!

I don’t know who God will bring to your mind if you do this exercise, but I do know that there is great freedom and joy when we forgive from the heart.  I hope you will take some time to work through this exercise.  It might be a good idea to do this once a year to make sure you have not taken back what was given to God.  It is almost like a yearly forgiveness checkup.  Sometimes it helps to have someone do this exercise with you.  I encourage you to find a trustworthy person and ask them to pray for you while you do this exercise.

One last thing, when you finish the exercise destroy the paper with the names on it.  That symbolizes that it is finished and the people and emotions no longer are controlling you or attached to you in a negative way.  Forgiveness if the most powerful tool we have to live a healthy, joyful, peaceful life.