Fear

What’s holding you back from living life to the fullest? What fears are causing problems in your relationships? Emotional fear has a way of making us do wacky, irrational things. Emotional fear causes us to do and say things that hurt and confuse those around us. Fear is an emotion of dread or alarm caused by a perceived danger.

Our fears usually come from bad experiences in our lives, when we felt like we were in danger. Things from our childhood, high school, college, bad relationships and abuse whether physical or emotional. When something reminds us of those bad feelings we go into our fear mode. It could be a fear of being rejected again, or maybe a fear of failing or being let down. It could be a fear of being abandoned, controlled, being abused, not being heard or looking stupid. There are many fears that keep us from living life to the fullest.

Dr. Gary Smalley calls this the fear dance in our relationships. Our fear button is pushed, We sense danger, we want it to stop or go away, so we do or say something to make that person stop, which often times pushes their fear button and the process is repeated by the other person.

A very common scenario in many marriage relationships, is one person feels the fear of being rejected or abandoned. This fear causes them to try to control the other person, because they fear losing them. By trying to control the person, it taps that persons fear of being controlled or told what to do. That person pulls further away, because they do not want to be controlled. And around we go, pushing buttons, stuck in the fear dance.

To overcome your fears you must understand them and face them. When you understand what your fear is, you can begin to realize why you do some of the weird stuff you do. So the next time you get into a fight with someone close to you, stop and ask yourself; Why did that make me mad? What am I afraid will happen if I don’t push back? Why does that bother me so much?

The Bible says that Perfect loves drives out fear. Jesus is perfect love, so that is were your focus needs to be in overcoming fear. When you focus on God’s immeasurable love for you, and then allow Him to love others through you, His love will quiet your fears and give you confidence to stop the fear dance.

If you want to learn more about the fear dance and how to learn new relationship dance moves I recommend you read the book – The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley. He even has a quiz in the back of the book to identify your fears. Click here to download the Fear Dance Worksheet.

Trust Me

Why is trust such a big deal? When I was in the business world of banking and consulting trust was a key ingredient to client development. When clients felt like they could trust you, they would be more loyal, worry less and take your advice more readily.

It’s the same in any relationship. Take the marriage relationship for example. When both husband and wife trust each other they are more committed to each other, they worry less about what the other is doing while they are not around and they tend to listen better and accept what they hear.

Whether in business , marriage, friendship or any other relationships trust is vital to good health. When you trust someone, there is a comfort or easiness about the relationship. If you don’t trust your friends, you are less likely to open up and share much about what is going on in your life. If you don’t trust your spouse you are going to be skeptical of everything they say or do. If you don’t trust God you will not believe everything He says and hold back from giving him all of you.

So how do you build trust? Henry Cloud made this statement “Where there is a failure in empathy and understanding, trust is not built.” For trust to happen we must listen well. When you listen to someone with the intent of trying to understand them or where they are coming from it builds trust. You do this by being fully present with them, asking questions to clarify and by not prejudging or jumping to conclusions. When you listen with empathy, you are trying to put yourself in their shoes and understand their hearts. When you listen well and someone feels like you understand them, trust is deepened.

Trust is also built by being actively involved in that persons life. When you show that you are actually interested in them as a person it builds a bond. Showing that you value them and want to get to know them will build trust and strengthen the relationship. God demonstrated this quite well, He desires to know us at an intimate level, to always be with us and to care about every single part of our lives. Read Psalm 139.

Trust is also built when we treat others well, no matter what they can or can’t do for us. It is easy to treat people well, when they treat you well. But what about the people that have hurt you or offended you? What about the spouse that has been distant and irritable. When we extend grace, which is unmerited favor, to other people it builds trust and respect. Remember God gives us unbelievable grace.

Trust is also built when we are real with people. When we share that we are not perfect and that we do mess up. When we admit our mistakes and ask for forgiveness. When people see that you are willing to open up and show your weaknesses it builds credibility and trust. The people around you already know your weaknesses and when you mess up. When you admit it, it shows that you are real and not fake. Fake people cannot be trusted.

We also trust people that do what they said they would do. When you walk the talk, so to speak it builds trust. This is an issue of character and integrity. When you make a promise do you follow through or do you drop the ball. When you tell your spouse you will do something do you follow through or do you usually forget. Dependable people build trust and are entrusted with more.

Trust is not something that is just freely given. People don’t usually blindly trust. Trust is earned by our behavior. To build trust we must build the kind of character that the people around us can see on a regular basis. This takes diligent spiritual growth, that shapes you into the man or woman that God created you to be. The benefit of being trustworthy is healthy, happy relationships.

Top 5 Keys to Strong Relationships

Someone asked me my opinion about what identifies a person that is good at building strong relationships. I made the comment that great leaders are great at building relationships. If you want to improve as a leader and improve any relationship in your life try my top five thoughts.

Here are my top 5 keys in building lasting relationships:

  1. Be Present – Give people your full attention when you are with them. Focus on them, look them in the eye. Make them feel like the most important person in the room.
  2. Listen well – Ask questions to make sure you understand what they are saying. Repeat back what you heard them saying. Use your body language to let them know you are listening.
  3. Take the initiative – Be intentional about meeting with them and spending time with them. Keep track of how long it has been since you spent quality time with the person you are friends with.
  4. Don’t try to fix them – Don’t judge them either. Instead empathize with them and just love them. Friends are not projects, that you need to improve or fix.
  5. Pray for them – When you are regularly praying for someone your attitude and perspective change. Find out how to pray for them by asking them.

Relationships matter!

House of Cards

I was watching a news report called House of cards the other night. It was reporting on how the mortgage crisis happened. The lenders were making it easy to borrow money and the people were happy to take it. I was amazed to hear about families that borrowed large amounts of money by tapping into their “equity”. Many did it by inflating or exaggerating their income. This was sometimes encouraged by the mortgage brokers. Some of the families did not understand the terms of the loan. They assumed that they could always refinance later if they needed to. All of this was building toward a certain crash. Borrowing and spending money on the hope that your income will always go up and that your home value will never go down. Overextending yourself through credit is always a dangerous game.

Yesterday I had breakfast with a friend of mine and he made the comment that made me think of the House of Cards, “what are you investing in that could bankrupt you?” He wasn’t talking about mortgages, he was talking about spiritually and relationally. Is your faith a house of cards? Are your relationships a house of cards? Does it feel like things could fall apart at any time?

What are the things you are spending your time on that may be distracting you from your relationship with God? Or what are you investing in that is hurting your important relationships? What are you reading? What are you watching? Who are you spending time with? Who are you listening too? Who are you unwilling to forgive? Where are you spending your money? What are you putting in your body? What are you doing with your body? How are you treating the people around you?

We all need to take a serious look at where we are investing our time, talent, thoughts, attention, money and energy. There may be some things you need to eliminate, change or get out of in order to avoid a bankruptcy, whether that is emotional, relational, financial, physical or spiritual.

Loving Well

We all want to have close loving relationships. Whether it is your family or friends we want those relationships to be healthy and last a long time. It’s the same in our marriage relationships. Our desire is to have a long, happy, healthy marriage. I’ve studying about love and relationships for a while now and thought I would write about how to make love last.

The Bible has a lot to say about this topic. Relationships are highly valued by God. He told us to love Him with all we have and to love other people. 1 Corinthians chapter thirteen is the most famous teaching about love. It is used in most weddings and many vows. The Apostle Paul is teaching about the way of love, kind of a reminder about how to love other people, especially your spouse. I want to focus on verses 4-7. In verses 4, 5 & 6 he talks about things most of us would agree are very important in loving another person.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” I think we all agree those are hugely important in any love relationship. Then he says something that has always bothered me. He uses a word I don’t like to use much, he says always, not once but four times. “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” The Message version says this: “Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.”

Always, really, how is that possible? The more I thought about it the more I am convinced that this is the key to a long, happy love relationship. Let me explain.

In every relationship there are expectations. When those expectations are not met there is a gap. It is in that gap that we have a choice to make. Do we choose to assume the worse about the other person or do we believe the best. When someone you love lets you down and does not do what he said do you always look for the best or do you go negative.

In a business book called “The One Thing You Need To Know” by Marcus Buckingham he talks about a study that was done on happily married couples. They were looking for the one thing that was common with happily married couples. They thought the answer would be that they knew each other well and had clear expectations about each other. That was based on studying couples that were struggling in their marriages. What they found was just the opposite. They found that happily married couples had an unrealistic view of their spouse. In questions about their spouse they always rated them higher than the person rated themselves. The study discovered that couples that choose to believe the best about their spouse until proven otherwise were much more happy in their relationship.

Another way of saying it is that they make charitable judgements about each other. When he is late from work again, she thinks and believes that he is working hard on some important things and is grateful that he provides for the family. When she forgets to pay a bill again, he thinks and believes that she has been busy and things have been a little crazy lately.

When one of your expectations is not met, what do you choose to do? Do you choose to believe the best and spiral upward in love or do you assume the worst and spiral downward in love? Think back to when you were falling in love with this person. You did not notice the negative things, because you were so focused on the good things. The happiest couples were the ones that have maintained that in their marriage.

When you choose to believe the best, you draw the other person closer to you. You cause the other person to want to be with you. When you go negative, even if you are right, you push the other person further away from you. No one wants to disappoint someone they love. When you assume the worst and say those negative words you are contributing to the damage of your relationship.

This principle works for any relationship. How do you respond to your children when they don’t meet your expectations? How about your parents, your friends, your brother or sister?

Read it again: “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Whispers

I read this Cherokee Proverb that I really like. “Listen to the whispers and you won’t have to hear the screams.”

If you are attentive to the small issues, you can avoid a lot of big issues. Listening can keep problems from escalating. When you hear the the whispers of those around you it helps you connect with them; understand them; serve them; lead them and love them.

Many of the problems you face at work, at home and anywhere else is a result of not listening. When you are focused on your own needs, your own problems and your own best interests, you tend to not listen to those around you. That usually leads to mistakes and bad decisions. It also puts up a wall to those around you.

If you will take the step today to be a better listener, all of your relationships will improve. People will want to spend time with you, because when you listen, you communicate that you care.

To be a great listener, you need to be humble and be willing to slow down enough to hear those whispers. Whose whispers are you missing? Are you getting only screams? Start by listening for those whispers, those small things that you can act on and respond to that will communicate that you care.

Make it Personal

I recently read about a spiritual exercise that I thought I would do myself. After doing it I was humbled and reminded what it really means to love people. We sometimes just read Scripture and don’t make it personal. I would encourage you to read this with your name instead of mine. Then ask yourself does any of this describe me? Do I love other people this way? Would anyone in your life say this about you?

Chad is patient, Chad is kind. He does not envy, he does not boast, he is not proud. Chad is not rude, he is not self-seeking, he is not easily angered, Chad keeps no record of wrongs, Chad does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Chad always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I don’t know about you, but that was a wake up call for me. That is what I want people to say about me when I am gone. What can you start doing today to make some of that true about you in your relationships?

How’s Your Tank Level

I have been talking with many couples over the past several weeks. Many of the stories I hear are similar. Their tanks are empty and their feelings have changed. They are hurting, frustrated and tired. When your “love” tank is empty, the small things bother you and hurt you even more. If you are in a relationship, what are you doing to fill the other person’s tank? Have you been siphoning off or filling up their tank?

Maybe your tank is empty and you have no interest in filling the other person’s tank. On your own that will be hard, but ask God to help you take the first step in pouring something into their tank. Odds are they are running on empty as well. If you take the initiative the other person is much more likely to start filling your tank.

Now you need to know what fills their tank. Water will not run a car, it takes gasoline. You need to find out what their gasoline is and then pump it every day. Don’t wait on the other person start today – even a drop is better than nothing.

How to be a Good Listener

Relationships can be hard work. Especially the marriage relationship. I am reminded of that over and over in my own marriage and other important relationships. A big part of deepening your relationships is to listen and communicate well. I came across this short article by Dr. Gary Chapman that did a nice job of explaining how to be a good listener. Take the time to read this and then start applying it to your relationships.

How to Be a Good Listener by Dr. Gary Chapman

You’re probably familiar with the five love languages–quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts and physical touch. Did you know quality time has many dialects? One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversation. By quality conversation, I mean sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.

Have you ever wondered if you’re a good listener? How can you improve in this area? Here are eight steps to becoming a sympathetic listener.

1. Maintain eye contact when you are listening to someone. This keeps your mind from wandering and communicates that the person has your full attention. Refrain from rolling your eyes in disgust, closing your eyes when they give you a low blow, looking over their head, or staring at their shoes while they are talking.

2. Don’t engage in other activities while you are listening to another individual. Remember, quality time is giving someone your undivided attention.

3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself: “What are this person’s emotions right now?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, “It sounds like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot…” That gives the person a chance to clarify his/her feelings. It also communicates that you are listening intently to what they are saying.

4. Observe body language. Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movement may give you clues as to what the person is feeling. Sometimes body language speaks one message while words speak another. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what the person is really thinking and feeling.

5. Refuse to interrupt.

6. Ask reflective questions.

7. Express understanding. The person needs to know that he/she has been heard and understood.

8. Ask if there is anything you might do that would be helpful. Notice, you are asking, not telling the person what she ought to do. Never give advice until you are sure the other person wants it.

Judgmental

I finished a good book this morning called UnChristian by David Kinnaman. The chapter that really jumped out at me was entitled judgemental.

The definition the author gives for judgemental is “To be judgemental is to point out something that is wrong in someone else’s life, making the person feel put down, excluded and marginalized. Some part of their potential to be Christ followers is snuffed out. Being judgemental is fueled by self-righteousness, the misguided inner motivation to make our own life look better by comparing it to the lives of others.”

He says that 87 percent of young outsiders think that judgemental, accurately describes present-day Christians. They believe we are more interested in proving we are right than that God is right. This perception of Christians has kept many people away from a relationship with Jesus Christ. That attitude pushes people away from God and His purpose for their lives.

It is very easy to be judgmental if we lose our passion for outsiders. Instead of looking at them with love and compassion we judge the way they act, talk, look and dress. The Bible makes it clear that God, not humans, should judge. He calls us to love people, accept people, build relationships and friendships with people.

So how do we avoid being judgemental. It starts by listening. Listen to understand, not be understood. We often judge because we don’t understand. Don’t label people or put them in a certain box, because of how they look, act or behave. Don’t pretend to have all the answers and to know it all. That is always a turn off.

Try to put yourself in their place, empathy helps you to love instead of judge. It also helps to be real and not pretend that you have it all together. To really care about people and be their friend, even if they don’t come to church or believe like you do. Friendship should be real and based on a genuine interest in the person.

This week I met with a young lady that was new to being a Christian. She had many questions, because she was not raised in a Christian home. As I answered some of her questions she shared some of her struggles with me. She thought that becoming a Christian meant she had to be perfect. She told me later in our conversation that she was watching how I would react to her struggles. She said she did not feel like I was judging her, which helped her to draw closer to God.

I have to remind myself often that it is not my job to change or judge people. That’s God’s job. It is my job to love them and to point them to the love of Jesus. He is the one that will bring change in their lives. I know that, because that what Jesus did in my life. He changed me over time into a new person. You see, the opposite of judgementalism is love.

So how do you perceive single parents, divorced people, gays and lesbians, people with tattoos, people that smoke, your neighbors, your pastor? Philip Yancey said “the opposite of sin is not virtue; it is grace”. Are you extending grace to people the way God extended grace to you? I hope this week we can all look at people through the eyes of Jesus, and love them like He does.