As human beings we have basic needs. Some are physical like food, oxygen, water, sleep.  We also have needs for our inner being or our soul.  This includes the realm of our emotions.  This is what fills our cup and keeps us going.  There are four basic soul needs that all of us crave.  We are all created with these needs and we all search for ways to meet these needs everyday.  Most of the time we look in the wrong places to meet these needs.  So here they are:

1. Acceptance – Knowing you are loved and needed by others.
2. Identity – Knowing you are individually significant and special.
3. Security – Knowing you are well protected and provided for.
4. Purpose – Knowing you have a reason for living.

These basic needs are the driving force behind what motivates us in life.  Just like we crave food and develop an appetite, we crave emotionally to have these needs met on a regular basis.  If we go too long with these basic needs unmet, we become depressed, anxious, fearful, angry, lonely, and numb.  These are needs, so we must have them met or we cannot survive.  The problem is that the way we seek to meet these needs is primarily through other people or things.  When we do that three things usually result:

1. We will be disappointed with the results, no matter how well things go.
2. We will lack the inner resources we need to love others the way we should and confront life successfully.
3. We almost always will be hurt or offended eventually by the one we trust.

When we trust in people and things our inner security is dependent on someone or something we cannot predict or control and that is limited.  Often our ability to give is dependent on what we get from from others.  If I am not getting what I want, then I don’t give what I know I should.  This leads to a life of disappointment and frustration.  When our expectations are that others meet these needs it creates a negative atmosphere of tension in our relationships.  It can even push the people around us away and create a gap in our relationships.  We are constantly disappointed with the people around us, because they can never live up to our expectations of meeting these four basic needs.

The answer is to put our trust in God to meet these basic needs.  When we trust in God our inner strength and security are dependent on God who is faithful and has unlimited resources.  Our ability to give to others flows from God living in us.  When others are not giving to us, we can still love generously and unconditionally which strengthens all our relationships over time.  Our lives are filled with an atmosphere of blessing, satisfaction and optimism because our perspective has changed from other people to God.  Our expectations of others changes, which takes pressure off of them and us.

So, who is meeting your basic needs?  If it is other people, let me encourage you to turn to God and ask Him to meet those needs of acceptance, identity, security and purpose.  As your relationship with God grows those basic needs are met in a deeper and more significant way.  The results are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control.

I am on a trip to Atlanta GA to learn from some other leader’s at some well run high level churches.  I have spent the last couple of days hanging out with different leader’s, listening to their stories and asking them questions.  As a leader it is important to keep growing and getting better at what we do.  Taking the time and energy to go and meet with people on their turf is a great investment for yourself and your team.  Many times you can glean some nuggets of information that can lead to fresh ideas that can lead to improvements in your leadership and the organization you run.

Seeking out mentors is a great way to stretch yourself and get outside of your normal routine.  It forces you to think of questions to ask and to be more observant to your surroundings.

Here are some takeaways so far on this trip:

• We are all struggling with similar issues.  In talking with these leader’s it was clear that they face many of the same problems and challenges that my team and I face.  This includes individually and corporately.  The scale is sometimes different, but the issues are the same.
• Most people are very willing to share what they know and take the time to meet if you ask.  Many times we think that the people we admire from a distance are too busy to spend time with us.  You never know until you ask.  This trip has taught me to be a bit more bold in seeking out people I can learn from.  It also has challenged me to be more generous with others that are seeking my time.
• Leadership is the driving force behind successful organizations.  I can see why the churches I have met with are successful, they have great leader’s.  These men and women are humble and real, yet persistent and courageous.  They are all growing and stretching and trying to figure things out as they go.  They know the vision and are working as a team to make it happen.
• The food in Atlanta is amazing.  Eating is always a highlight on trips like this.  I love to take in local cuisine and have some fun.  Getting away on a trip like this is a great way to relax and allow your creativity to grow.  I pay attention to the service I get at restaurants and try to even learn from them on how to treat customers and give people a good first impression.

I have a couple more days down here and will share some other nuggets later.  So who are you going to seek out this year to learn from and grow in whatever area you are leading?  It could be another mom or dad that you can learn some parenting skills from or someone to help you grow in your marriage.  It may be someone in the same position you have or a position you would like to have.  Maybe it is someone that could help you grow spiritually or emotionally.  Whatever area you want to get better in, seek some people out that you can learn from and then make the call.

What does contentment mean?

“Contentment is realizing that God has already provided everything I need for my present and future happiness.”

In the New Testament, the words content and contentment are translated from arkeo, which means “to be satisfied; to be strong,” and autarkeia, which means “to need no aid or support; sufficiency of the necessities of life.

“Be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” Hebrews 13:5.

Six Thoughts about Contentment:

1. Contentment is contrary to human nature and must be learned.

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstance” Philippians 4:11.
           

2. Contentment begins by knowing the purpose of Life.

“I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death” Philippians 3:10.

3. Contentment requires distinguishing between needs and wants.

“But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that” 1 Timothy 6:8

“So do not worry , saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘ What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:31-33.

4. Contentment is based on a recognition of mutual need.

“Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God” Matthew 4:4

• Discontentment begins by desiring self-sufficiency.

Genesis 3:1-6

• Discontentment leads to covetousness (Greed).

“Then He said to them, ‘Watch out!  Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions”  Luke 12:15.

• Covetousness produces idolatry.

The Tenth Commandment Exodus 20:17

5. Contentment is achieved by exchanging things for more of Christ.

“What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things, I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ” Philippians 3:8.

“He is no fool, who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose.” Jim Elliot

6. Contentment allows us to gain things of greater value.

The Parable of the Sower.  Matthew 13:18-23

v  Contentment is valuing God-given relationships more than earthly possessions.

Matthew 26:6-16

Mary of Bethany & Judas

v  Contentment is realizing that I am indestructible until my work is done.

Book of Nehemiah

Nehemiah

v  Contentment is avoiding the bondage of personal expectations.

Joshua 7

Achan

v  Contentment is rejoicing in the way that God designed me.

Luke 19:1-10

Zacchaeus

Are you the kind of person other people like to be around?  Do people look forward to meeting with you and spending time with you?  Being a likeable person takes effort and intentionality.  Here are four things you can do to become more likeable:

1. Love Life – Celebrate; don’t complain.  Have fun and enjoy the journey.
2. Expect the best of people and treat them well – Think the best about people until they prove you wrong.
3. Give people hope – Everyone is looking for hope, that things can get better.
4. Share yourself – Be vulnerable and real.  Share your heart, wisdom and resources.

That’s a good start, now go out and do it.

I am an avid reader and I try to plan out the books I want to read each year.  I always pick some I end up not reading and add others that were not on my list.  I thought I would share what I am currently reading and the books I plan on reading in 2012.  You can actually go to this link to follow along all year – Good Reads.  I keep my Good Reads list up to date and will often write a review on the books I finish.

Reading is a way to stretch ourselves and to learn and grow.  Reading causes our minds to expand and stretch, which helps us to interact better with other people and handle situations better.  Setting a goal to read a book or read 10 books is a great way to expand your horizons.  Of course we need to be careful about the type of things we are reading, because what we read, feeds our belief systems and affects what we do in our relationships.  I always try to make sure I am balanced in what I read.  I also try to consistently read the Bible in order to make sure I am getting the real truth on a regular basis.  I also read a daily devotional or two.  This year I am doing the Message Devotional called Solo.  I am also using my YouVersion app on my phone to do a daily devotion.

Currently Reading

  The Flinch by Julien Smith

  Practically Radical by William C. Taylor

  Do More Great Work by Michael Bungay Stanier

  Mentoring Leaders by Carson Pue

  Leading at a Higher Level by Ken Blanchard

  Fearless by Max Lucado

  Courageous Leadership by Bill Hybels

On my to read list:

1. Poke the Box by Seth Godin
2. Helping People Win at Work by Ken Blanchard
3. Slave:  The Hidden Truth About Your Identity in Christ by John F. MacArthur Jr.
4. The Presentation Secrets of Steve Jobs by Carmine Gallo
5. Church Diversity by Scott Williams
6. Great by Choice by Jim Collins
7. Clever:  Leading Your Smartest Most Creative People by Rob Goffee
8. Leaders Who Last by Dave Kraft
9. We Are All Weird by Seth Godin
10. EntreLeadership by Dave Ramsey
11. Leading from the Sandbox by T.J. Addington
12. Outstanding:  47 Ways to Make Your Organization Exceptional by John G. Miller

Have you ever asked the question “why is this happening to me?”  Many of us have asked that question when we are going through difficult times in our lives.  We ask God why is this happening?  Why do I need to go through this?  I like to call the tough times in our lives desert experiences.  Both Mathew and Luke record Jesus’ time in the desert at the beginning of His ministry.  Jesus spent 40 days alone, in the desert, abstaining from food, noise and any distractions.  Jesus used this time in the desert to get closer to God.  Often times when we are in a desert in life, we focus so much on our situation that we miss what God has for us.  Maybe the question shouldn’t be why is this happening to me, but what are you trying to teach me or how can I grow as a result of this?

If our perspective is right this is what can happen in our desert experiences:

1. We can recognize that God will sometimes lead us into seasons of growth.
2. We can fight battles and overcome temptation to take shortcuts.
3. We learn discipline and to depend on God.
4. We are broken of self-sufficiency and self-promotion.
5. We find our mission or purpose.
6. We gain a new perspective.
7. We are prepared for the next phase of our vocation, ministry or calling.

God will often use the difficult times in our lives to chip away at the rough edges and develop our character.  The main thing God wants from us is our love and dependence on Him.  When we work through the difficulties and issues of life with our focus on God and not our problems we can emerge from the desert with new life and energy.  Often times God works through people and when we reach out to the right people in times of difficulty we can learn, grow and change.

Most people start the new year by thinking about things they want to change or do differently in the coming year.  It is a time when we can hope for a better future and many people will make resolutions or set goals for the coming year.  I firmly believe in goal setting and have done that for years.  It helps me think about what I want to accomplish and the kind of person I want to be.

Most people never follow through on the resolutions they set or goals they come up with.  The main reason for that is we don’t change the way we think and therefore our actions never follow.  Only when we change our mindset and what we care about can we change our lives.  We all have things that we believe to be true about ourselves, the world, God and others.  Those core beliefs drive our thinking which in turn drives our behavior.  So, to really make a change in 2012, the way we think and what we believe  needs to change.

To do that it is important to identify what lies might be a part of our belief system.  Here are a few that many of us struggle with:

• Believing that acquiring money and things will bring lasting happiness
• Believing that excessive food and alcohol can relieve my stress and make me happy
• Believing that an attractive body and personality will get me what I need
• Believing that gratifying sexual lust will bring lasting satisfaction
• Believing that I can associate with bad company and not be corrupted
• Believing that I can read, see or listen to anything and not be corrupted
• Believing that I  must gain approval of certain people in order to be happy
• Believing that I must measure up to certain standards in order to feel good about myself

Here are some lines of thinking that lead us into deception:

• Thinking I am something I am really not
• Thinking I was just born this way and can’t change
• Thinking I can be truly religious but not bridle my tongue
• Thinking that God is the source of my problems
• Thinking I can live my life without the help of anyone else
• Thinking that it’s my life and I can live however I want to
• Thinking that I need to control the people and situations around me
• Thinking that I can change other people

Before we can identify lies we believe we need to know what is true.  That starts by looking to the ultimate source of truth and that is God and the Bible.  If you only do one thing this year, let it be to read the Bible more than you did last year.  Maybe it’s reading a devotional daily or maybe it’s reading the New Testament or the whole Bible.  If you have never gotten into the Bible, let this year be the year.  Get a translation that is easy to understand like “The Message” or the “Amplified” or the New Living Translation”.

Here is a summary of some of the most important truths from the Bible.  A goal might be to read this daily for 3 weeks and see what happens.

Truth Statements

 I recognize that there is only one true and living God (Ex. 20:2-3) who exists as the Father, Son and Holy Spirit and that He is worthy of all honor, praise and glory as the Creator, Sustainer and Beginning and End of all things (Rev. 4:11; 5:9-10; Is. 43:1, 7, 21).

I recognize Jesus Christ as the Messiah, the Word who became flesh and dwelt among us (John 1:1, 14). I believe that He came to destroy the works of Satan (1 John 3:8), that He disarmed the rulers and authorities and made a public display of them, having triumphed over them (Col. 2:15).

I believe that God has proven His love for me because when I was still a sinner, Christ died for me (Rom. 5:8). I believe that He delivered me from the domain of darkness and transferred me to His kingdom, and in Him I have redemption, the forgiveness of sins (Col. 1:13-14).

I believe that I am now a child of God (1 John 3:1-3) and that I am seated with Christ in the heavenlies (Eph. 2:6). I believe that I was saved by the grace of God through faith, that it was a gift, and not the result of any works on my part (Eph. 2:8-9).

I choose to be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might (Eph. 6:10). I put no confidence in the flesh (Phil. 3:3) for the weapons of warfare are not of the flesh (2 Cor. 10:4). I put on the whole armor of God (Eph. 6:10-20), and I resolve to stand firm in my faith and resist the evil one.

I believe that apart from Christ I can do nothing (John 15:5), so I declare myself dependent on Him. I choose to abide in Christ in order to bear much fruit and glorify the Lord (John 15:8). I announce to Satan that Jesus is my Lord (1 Cor. 12:3), and I reject any counterfeit gifts or works of Satan in my life.

I believe that the truth will set me free (John 8:32) and that walking in the light is the only path of fellowship (1 John 1:7).

Therefore, I stand against Satan’s deception by taking every thought captive in obedience to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). I declare that the Bible is the only authoritative standard (2 Tim. 3:15-16). I choose to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15).

I choose to present my body as an instrument of righteousness, a living and holy sacrifice, and I renew my mind by the living Word of God in order that I may prove that the will of God is good, acceptable and perfect (Rom. 6:13; 12:1-2). I put off the old self with its evil practices and put on the new self (Col. 3:9-10), and I declare myself to be a new creature in Christ (2 Cor. 5:17).

I trust my heavenly Father to fill me with His Holy Spirit (Eph. 5:18), to lead me into all truth (John 16:13) and to empower my life that I may live above sin and not carry out the desires of the flesh (Gal. 5:16). I crucify the flesh (Gal. 5:24) and choose to walk by the Spirit.

I renounce all selfish goals and choose the ultimate goal of love (1 Tim. 1:5). I choose to obey the two greatest commandments; to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul and mind, and to love my neighbor as myself (Matt. 22:37-39).

I believe that Jesus has all authority in heaven and on earth (Matt. 28:18) and that He is the head over all rule and authority (Col. 2:10). I believe that Satan and his demons are subject to me in Christ since I am a member of Christ’s body (Eph. 1:19-23). Therefore, I obey the command to submit to God and to resist the Devil (Jas. 4:7), and I command Satan in the name of Christ to leave my presence.

Happy New Year!

Life is all about relationships.  When our relationships are healthy, our lives tend to be healthy.  When our relationships are strained or broken we are strained and broken.  Our closest relationships are the ones that affect us the most.  Having and maintaining healthy relationships takes work and constant learning.  The reason relationships take work is because each of us tend to be selfish at times and that hurts our relationships.  When we stop trying to improve ourselves, the people around us suffer.  That is why we should always be working on ourselves and how we can strengthen our character.  As I think about keys to healthy relationships, it really boils down to these three areas:

1. Understand People – This is no small task, because people are very complicated.  We all have different experiences, beliefs, hurts, habits and hang-ups.  As we grow older these things all come out in our relationships.  Things that happened to us as a child effect us as adults.  Whether it is lies we are believing, hurtful experiences or our worldview, it all effects our relationships with the people around us.  To better understand people we need to be curious about the people around us.  We need to be able to connect on a deeper emotional level by talking about those past experiences, core beliefs and worldview.  We need to discover what their love language is and then speak that language with them on a regular basis.  We also need to read books about relationships that can help us to better understand why we do what we do.  Here are three books that have helped me a lot in the area of relationships:  “The DNA Of Relationships”  By Gary Smalley – “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman - “Love & Respect” by Emmerson Eggrichs.
2. Love People - Not many of us love people well.  We tend to be judgmental, hold grudges, be selfish, rude, sarcastic and jealous.  How to love well is clearly explained to us in the Bible.  The Apostle Paul wrote about the importance of love in 1 Corinthians 13.    He basically says that we can have all kinds of gifts and abilities, but if we don’t have love we have nothing.  Listen to these words about how to love:  “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”  Read that again and put your name in place of love, does that describe who you are?  If not start today to change that.
3. Help People – To have healthy thriving relationships we need to have a servants mindset.  We should be thinking about how we can serve and help the people around us.  We can only do this well if we understand the people around us and are loving well.  To help people we need to be able to add value to their lives.  Are the people around you benefiting from knowing you, or are you the only one benefiting?  When we add value to others we are building up our account with that person.  They will want to be around us and spend time with us.  If we are only taking in a relationship people will not want to spend time with us.  Helping people starts with the mindset of serving.  This does not come naturally to us because we are wired to look out for ourselves and not others.  This needs to be balanced with taking care of ourselves, so that we are healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually.  When we are healthy, we can serve and add value to those around us.  So that means going to a counselor, meeting with a mentor and working through our junk.  That can be a great way of helping others by helping ourselves.

Relationships really matter and the harder we work on ourselves and our relationships the happier and healthier we will be.  One last thought about relationships.  Forgiveness is needed in every relationship in order last over time.  We will hurt each other and let each other down, and the ability and desire to reconcile and forgive is vital to long term relationships.  I will talk more about forgiveness later.

Why are you so afraid?  Jesus spoke those words to his followers after he calmed a storm.  It’s a question he is still asking all of us.  Why are you so afraid?  Do you still have no faith?

Here is what was happening at that time.  Jesus had been building his ministry and had attracted many people.  He had just spent most of the day teaching the people gathered about the Kingdom of God.  He was teaching in stories, and many of the people had trouble understanding the stories and their full meaning.  He would always take time to fully explain his stories to his closest followers.  The Bible tells us that when he was alone with his own disciples, he explained everything.

So after a day of teaching and then explaining the teaching in simple terms to his disciples, he said to his disciples “Let’s go over the other side.”  So off they go to cross the Sea of Galilee.  This sea is known for having violent and unexpected storms.  When the storm hit, these seasoned fishermen panicked, thinking the storm was going to sink the boats and they would drown.  This was no ordinary storm it was bigger than any of them had experienced before.  As this storm began, Jesus was sleeping.  He was tired from a long day of teaching.

Jesus knew this storm was coming, yet he chose to go to sleep.  That really bothered his followers.  How could he sleep at a time like this!

They finally woke him up and said; don’t you care if we drown?

Does any of this sound familiar?  Our lives are full of unexpected violent storms.  It often feels like Jesus is sleeping and does not care that we are in this sorm.  We feel like we need to cry out and wake him up.  We want him to keep us safe and take the storm away.

The disciples knew who Jesus was, they believed what he was teaching them, yet they underestimated his power.  They did not fully trust that he would not let them drown.  We often get spiritual amnesia and don’t remember all the things God has done for us and how He has helped us in the past.

 We are the same way, we believe in God and may even have read and studied what he has to teach us; yet we don’t fully trust him with the storms that come up in our lives.  We often equate our lives being out of control as God not being able to control.

Think about the storms in your life-the situations that cause you great anxiety.  Whatever your difficulty or challenge, you have two options:

• You can worry and assume that Jesus no longer cares like the disciples did.
• Or, you can resist that fear, and trust that God is in control and He will guide you through the storm.

The difference is where we keep our focus – on the problem or on God.

We too often try to take control of the ship and fix things on our own.  When we do that and exclude God, he patiently waits for us to come to him and trust him, to put our faith in him.

Here are two lessons we learn in life’s storms:

• We need to fight fear with fear.  Fear of the Lord is the beginning of freedom.  When we have the right fear and reverence for God, we obey Him and our focus is in the right place.
• You and I must remind ourselves who’s in the boat with us.  When God permits us to go through a life storm, it’s usually to show us that there is no problem he can’t solve.  There is no storm that is too big for him.

Traveling through these storms with Jesus in our boat strengthens our faith, develops our character and deepens our relationship with him.  That only happens when we completely trust him no matter what comes our way.  Even when we don’t understand why something is happening, God wants us to trust him and not be afraid.  When we try to lean on our own understanding we will fall down and miss what God has for us.

Proverbs 3:5-6 say “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Leaning means putting our full weight on him, resting on him without fear of falling.  God knows what is best for us, because he has a much bigger perspective than we do.

If you are in the middle of a life storm, know that Jesus is in the boat with you, or you can invite him into your boat.  Once there, he will never leave you, he will stick with you through the most violent storms imaginable.  Lean on him when you don’t know what your next move should be.  Trust God completely, he might not make the storm go away, but he will not let you drown.

None of us need new ways to screw up our relationships.  The way in which we mess things up is working just fine.  Most of us tend to fail in the same ways over and over again.  It is part of our hard wiring that has happened over our entire lives.  We have learned how to deal with pain, in mostly unhealthy ways.  At the core of our behaviors that cause problems in our lives is fear.  Fear is what drives us to do and say things that mess up our relationships.  These fears have been embedded in us over a long period of time and when certain buttons are pushed, the fear rises up and out rushes our response to the heat or pain we are experiencing.  Our emotions are an indicator of what is going on inside of us.  They are like warning lights that something is not right.  Fear will amplify those emotions to the point of no return.

So the question we need to ask ourselves is what do I do when I am afraid?  What is my typical reaction when my fear button gets pushed?  Here is a list of some of the most common unhealthy reactions we have:

• Withdrawal – You avoid others or alienate yourself without resolution; you sulk or use the silent treatment
• Escalation – Your emotions spiral out of control; you argue, raise your voice, fly into a rage
• Try Harder – You try to do more to earn other’s love & care
• Blaming – You place responsibility on others, not accepting fault; you’re convinced the problem is the other person’s fault
• Exaggeration – You make overstatements or enlarge your words beyond the bounds or the truth
• Denial – You refuse to admit the truth or reality
• Defensiveness – Instead of listening, you defend yourself by providing an explanation
• Passive-aggressive – You display negative emotions, resentment, and aggression in passive ways, such as procrastination and stubbornness
• Complaining – You express unhappiness or make accusations; you criticize, creating a list of the other person’s faults
• Anger and Rage – You display strong feelings of displeasure or violent and uncontrolled emotions
• Humor – You use humor as a way of not dealing with the issue at hand
• Sarcasm – You use negative humor, hurtful words, belittling comments, cutting remarks, or demeaning statements
• Minimization – You assert that the other person is overreacting to an issue; you intentionally underestimate, downplay, or soft-pedal the issue
• Rationalization – You attempt to make your actions seem reasonable; you try to attribute your behavior to credible motives; you try to provide believable but untrue reasons for your conduct

There are many more I could list, but I am sure there are several responses in here that we all can claim as to how we respond when the heat is turned up in our lives.  These responses usually bring the same results, however we continue to use them in our conflict situations, because we truly believe we are doing the right thing.  We are trying to get the other person to stop whatever behavior triggered the fear inside of us.  Unfortunately each of these reactions only tends to poke at the fear inside the other person, which causes them to respond in one of these ways as well.

So around we go doing this dysfunctional, awkward, relational dance with the people around us.  The fears we experience are a result of lies that we truly believe.  Some of the most common fears that cause these reactions are as follows:

• Rejection – The other person doesn’t want me or need me; I am not necessary in this relationship; I feel unwanted
• Disconnection – We will become emotionally detached or separated; I will feel cut off from the other person
• Failure – I am not successful at being a husband/wife, friend, parent, coworker; I will not perform correctly; I will not live up to expectations; I am not good enough
• Inadequate – I am not capable; I am incompetent
• Invalidated – Who I am, what I think, what I do, or how I feel is not valued
• Unloved – The other person doesn’t care about me; my relationship lacks warm attachment, admiration, enthusiasm, or devotion
• Judged – I am always being unfairly judged; the other person forms faulty or negative opinions about me; I am always being evaluated; the other person does not approve of me.
• Ignored – The other person will not pay attention to me; I feel neglected

There are many more fears as well, but again I think each of us can identify several fears we struggle with.  As we identify these fears and begin to understand the lie behind it and what is going on inside of us when these fears rise up, we can begin to change the way in which we choose to respond.  This is called self-awareness.

The best way in which to overcome these fears is by growing closer to God and fully understanding how only He can meet the deep emotional needs that we all have.  Our fears will never go away, but we can learn to turn to God when they pop up and lean on Him for the strength we need to respond in a healthy, humble way.  The best way to fight fear is with fear.  What I mean by that is when we have a healthy fear or reverence for God it helps us to have more courage in the face of the inner fears we have.  The fear of the Lord is what sets us free from the fear of man, finances, death, divorce and the future.

The Bible says that fear and love cannot cohabitate.  So when our hearts are filled with God’s love we have the power to react or respond in a different way.  We can hold our tongue, listen and try to understand, ask questions to clarify, wait for the right time to confront, seek help from others, admit our part, ask for forgiveness, grant forgiveness, use words that are positive and encouraging, use body language that is open and loving.  Fear is all about ourselves, while love is all about other people.  Fear is inward focused while love is outward focused.  Every time we face a fear we have an opportunity to trust God or trust ourselves.  When we trust God, even when we don’t know the outcome, we grow closer to Him and farther away from those fears.

So what is keeping you from surrendering everything to God and trusting Him?  What is keeping you from fearing God more than man?  What emotional wall are you hitting repeatedly that causes fear to rise up inside of you?  What reactions need to be changed in order to improve your relationships?

The list of reactions and fears came from Gary Smalley and his book – “The DNA of Relationships.”