Unforgiveness is like cancer, it eats away at our insides and causes all kinds of pain and suffering.  We live in a world that is not perfect.  People let us down, hurt us, disappoint us and sometimes even intentionally cause physical or emotional damage to our lives.  When these things happen to us we always have a choice in how we handle those situations.  It really depends on where our heart is at, as to how we handle these difficult times in our lives.  If our heart or emotional state is healthy and focused on our relationship with God, we tend to handle these situations better.  When we are in communication with God and have the Holy Spirit in us, we can respond in a healthy way.  However if we are not in a good place emotionally and are not focused on God it is very easy to respond in unhealthy ways, which leads to a downward spiral.

About 8 months ago I went through an exercise on forgiveness that I had helped many other people go through.  I decided I should do it myself since I am asking others to do it.  What happened was a surprise to me and has become a defining moment in my spiritual journey.  So here is what happened.

I found some time to be completely alone and uninterrupted and started by connecting with God through prayer.  I asked God to open my mind and my heart to whatever He wanted to do in me.  I asked God to bring to my mind all the people that have hurt me in any way.  Once I had spent some time in prayer and had mentally & emotionally prepared myself, I got out a piece of paper and started writing down the names that came to my mind.  I had done this with other people and some people would only have a few names and others would fill a couple of pages.  The key is that you write down all the names God brings to you in that moment, even if you think you have already forgiven them and even if it seems like it was insignificant.

So I start writing down names, expecting to only have a few because I am a forgiving kind of guy.  To my surprise I nearly filled a full sheet of paper.  The next thing I did was to write beside each name what that person did to me and how it made me feel.  This was the hard part, bringing up all those old thoughts and emotions.  It was tempting to skip through this, but I took my time with each name and took myself back to those times I felt hurt, frustrated and angry.  I could feel some of those same emotions as I thought about what had happened.

One of the biggest surprises on my list was an Amish boy I went to Elementary school with.  He was a year older than me and I don’t remember much about him other than we got into a fight in the boys restroom one day at school.  I don’t remember what we were fighting about, but I do remember how I felt.  With a bunch of my friends watching this Amish boy pinned me to the bathroom floor and laughed at me.  As I squirmed and tried to free myself I heard others laughing as well.  I remember him standing on my ankles and pinning my wrists with his hands.  I had not thought about that incident for a very long time, but it was still there in my mind and in my heart.  I remember everyone else leaving the bathroom after the fight and I was alone in there.  I felt humiliated, angry and weak.  As I walked out of the bathroom I remember breaking a small mirror on the wall.

That memory was buried deep inside me and God brought it out.  It helped me to see how that had created some fears inside of me that had stayed with me all these years.

Once I finished writing out each emotion and circumstance I started to pray through each  person.  I simply prayed that I choose to forgive the person by name and what they did to me and how it made me feel.  I asked God to heal the damaged emotions and help me to release this person and the negative emotions attached to that person.  I thanked God for helping me forgive as He forgave me.

When I finished the last name, I actually felt lighter.  Almost like I had lost some weight.  I felt free and energized.  I spent some time just meditating on God’s goodness, love, acceptance and forgiveness.  What an amazing experience!

I don’t know who God will bring to your mind if you do this exercise, but I do know that there is great freedom and joy when we forgive from the heart.  I hope you will take some time to work through this exercise.  It might be a good idea to do this once a year to make sure you have not taken back what was given to God.  It is almost like a yearly forgiveness checkup.  Sometimes it helps to have someone do this exercise with you.  I encourage you to find a trustworthy person and ask them to pray for you while you do this exercise.

One last thing, when you finish the exercise destroy the paper with the names on it.  That symbolizes that it is finished and the people and emotions no longer are controlling you or attached to you in a negative way.  Forgiveness if the most powerful tool we have to live a healthy, joyful, peaceful life.

There is a saying that I love, that I first heard from author and speaker John Maxwell.  “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”  As a leader I can never separate leadership from relationships.  Leaders need to develop relational skills in order to lead the people around them.  One of the questions I often ask myself is how likeable are you?  Do people like being around you?  All of us can work on being a better person and improving our relationships with people.  Relationships are messy, yet necessary because we were created for relationships.

In the book of Romans in the Bible I came across ten instructions that Paul gives us that will help us get along with other people.  These instructions come from Romans 12:9-21:

1. Avoid Hypocrisy – When you say something and then do something else it sends the message that you are not trustworthy.  When you are sincere and genuine and your actions line up with your words, your relationships benefit tremendously.
2. Be Loyal – Paul calls us to treat each other people like brothers and sisters.  Even though siblings will fight with each other sometimes there is a bond because of being family.  Being loyal means showing kindly affection to those around you.  Supporting and standing up for them in good times and bad.
3. Give Preference to Others – This means to honor the desires of others above your own.  The more selfish you are the weaker your relationships become.
4. Be Hospitable – When you look for ways to meet the needs of others it builds trust and friendship.  Being generous with what God has given you instead of holding those things tightly helps you to be more hospitable.  Working at making the people around you comfortable and cared for takes a mindset of wanting to serve others.
5. Return Good for Evil – What Paul is saying here is to act, don’t react when others hurt you.  Many times your natural tendency is to react with hurtful words or actions when you get hurt.  That only further damages the relationship.  You should not be passive though and need to act by communicating in a loving way how that hurt you.  Proverbs 15:1 says “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
6. Identify with Others – This means to empathize with others.  To treat others’ needs or victories as your own.  When you can put yourself in their shoes without judging, it shows how much you care.  It also will help you to better understand where they are coming from.
7. Be Open-minded toward Others – Trying to connect with anyone you speak to takes the ability to be genuinely interested in the other person.  Approach each encounter as an opportunity to learn more about this person and their story.  Ask questions and really listen.
8. Treat Everyone with Respect – When you treat people with respect it is a compliment to them.  This can be done by how you listen, the non-verbal messages you send and by not being judgmental.  Even if you do not agree with the person or their behavior it is important to show respect and love them unconditionally.  Remember you can’t change anyone, only God can do that.
9. Do Everything Possible to Keep Peace – This does not mean to avoid conflict, but to work through conflict and to choose wisely which hills to die on.  Paul says, “If it is possible, as much as it depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”  This means that the decisions we make should lead to forgiveness and reconciliation in our relationships as much as possible.
10. Remove Revenge from Your Life – This means to let God judge others; you are to love them!

On our own, we cannot do this on a consistent basis.  That is why it is so important to be connected with God, who can give us everything we need to have thriving, healthy relationships.  It starts by making the decision to accept Jesus Christ as the leader of your life and the forgiver of your sins.  After that we have a special connection with God through the Holy Spirit that is available as a constant help to live life to the fullest.  Living life to the fullest means having the best possible relationships in our lives.  Ask God to help today to live out these ten things in all your relationships.  Over time hurts will be healed and hearts will be repaired and peace and joy will be more evident in all your relationships.

As a leader, I must constantly be working on myself.  Leader’s that stop growing, quickly start declining and losing influence.  A great example of someone growing as a leader is Peter, one of the 12 disciples that followed Jesus.  Focus and self-discipline provide the foundation for solid leadership.  Peter learned this lesson the hard way.  Over a three and a half year period, God transformed Peter from a cocky, loud influence to a thoughtful, humble leader.  As I read in 1 Peter, one of his letter to the Christian Jews, he gives three directives in this area of focus and self-discipline:

1. Guard Your Mind – Peter reminds us to put boundaries around what we allow into our minds.  What we allow in will influence us and deceive us.  Filling our minds with truth helps us to guard it from the lies that are all around us.  Peter tells us to remain focused and sober.
2. Guard Your Hearts – He also reminds us that we need to prevent old patterns from penetrating our hearts.  He warns us about the former lusts, which can not only distract us, but can destroy us.
3. Guard Your Lifestyle – Peter tells us to pursue holiness.  The only way to do that is to follow and embrace the model Christ gave.  Since God is holy, we should copy what we see Him doing.

Peter also talks a good bit about sacrifice and submission.  He tells us to respect and submit to authorities, regardless of how the authorities might treat those they are over.  He reminds us that God places all people in authority for His plans and His purpose.  Peter reminds us in chapter two about the sacrifice that Jesus made for all of us.  He suffered greatly and died for us.  Here is how Jesus responded to the insults, mockery, physical beatings, false accusations and carrying all our sin:

1. Did not retaliate, but kept silent
2. Made no threats
3. No deceit came from his mouth
4. Fully entrusted himself to the Father (God)

Peter also does a nice job of addressing husbands and wives.  No home can thrive without functioning according to sound spiritual leadership principles:

• First he challenged wives to submit to their husbands, even those who do not submit to Christ.
• When the wife submits even though she opposes her husbands decision, she gives a powerful witness to Christ and brings a special honor to Him.
• Husbands are called to live with their wives in an understanding way.
• Husbands are to honor their wives and model submission and service.
• Husbands are to initiate blessing, rather than retaliate when things go wrong.
• Husbands and wives need to assume responsibility for the health of their relationships, which means setting the tone.  To set the tone, they should initiate what they want others to do.
  • Get respect by showing respect
  • Get understanding by being understanding
  • Listen well, trying to understand instead of being understood.
  • Get quality time by giving quality time
  • Hears words of affirmation by giving words of affirmation
  • Get served by first serving
  • Receive unconditional love by first giving unconditional loving

He then talks about spiritual gifts.  Peter encourages us to make five observations about our spiritual gifts:

1. Every believer has at least one spiritual gift. (1 Peter 4:10)
2. Spiritual gifts are intended to serve people, not bolster our reputations. (v.10)
3. We use our gifts as stewards or managers, not owners.  (v.10)
4. God is the source and the sustainer of every gift. (v. 11)
5. We are to employ our gifts as though we were serving the Lord. (v. 11)

When we fail to use our gifts properly, we are disobedient, the body of Christ (Church) suffers and God is not glorified.

Peter closes his letter by addressing church leaders and encouraging  them to lead well.  He calls church leaders to:

1. Be a minister to the people by serving them before being served.
2. Be a mentor of the people by eagerly investing in people and being a good example.
3. Be a manager of the people by exercising oversight over those entrusted to your care.
4. Be a model for the people by demonstrating how to live and love.

Peter encourages us to humble ourselves by casting all our cares on God.  Only then does God promise to exalt us.

I hope these thoughts from Peters letter are helpful in your spiritual growth.  I encourage you to go and read 1 Peter for yourself.  I am sure there are other nuggets of gold that may be just what you need.

Healthy relationships are hard work.  In working with people as a pastor, I have found that one of the biggest contributors to emotional problems, financial problems, marriage problems, work problems and most any problem is broken damaged relationships.  A broken relationship will not heal automatically.  Healing a relationship requires care and investment, just like our physical bodies need care and investment in order to heal a wound.  When we take the time to treat a wound, it minimizes the potential of infection and prolonged pain.  Similarly an investment made to restore a relationship will yield dividends for you in the future.

Here are four principles that illustrate the importance of forgiveness in healing broken relationships:

1. A Wound Must Be Cleaned – All the impurities need to be removed from the wound.  In a broken relationship all wrong-doing must be confessed and addressed.  Each person needs to put all the cards on the table and admit their part in the brokenness.  Hiding things and only confessing what is already known is like leaving the rust of a nail in the wound and only brushing off the surface.  Healing starts by making a full and complete confession if the fault is yours, and be willing to cancel the debt of the other person.  This should be done as quickly as possible, because infection can set in quickly.
2. A Wound Must Be Rejoined – If the two sides of a cut are not stitched back together, scar tissue will fill in the gap.  Once scar tissue covers the wound it is no longer possible to rejoin the healthy flesh.  Scar tissue limits movement and can hinder the proper function of body parts.  When people separate and do not communicate, scar tissue begins to form.  It makes it much more difficult to function properly and to grow in a healthy way.  When two people come together and begin to dialog about the real issues, healing can begin and scar tissue is minimized.
3. A Wound Must Be Nourished – When someone is injured the body sends extra blood flow to the injured area.  That blood flow is needed to provide the nutrients and vitamins necessary to promote healing.  Similarly, healing a broken relationship requires deliberate attention and investment.  A commitment to forgive is a commitment to invest.  Forgiveness is the nutrients our bodies need to heal.
4. A Wound Must Be Protected – When a wound is healing it is sensitive and needs protection.  The deeper the wound the longer it takes to heal and the more sensitive it is.  In a relationship, just because an offense has been forgiven does not mean trust has been completely restored or that additional stress or pressure can be taken.  a healthy relationship needs to be nurtured delicately.  The wound needs to be cleaned out several times and new bandages applied along the way.

The human bodies ability to heal is an amazing thing.  God created us with this ability to heal when treated properly.  Our wounded emotions can also be healed if treated properly.  True forgiveness is one of the most powerful healing agents for damaged emotions that exists.  Forgiveness is a commitment to put the past behind, to leave it there, and to move on.

So what broken relationships need attention in your life?  What wounds need to be cleaned, rejoined, nourished and protected?  Ask God to help you commit to invest in the relationships that you have whether they are broken or not.  Healthy, vibrant relationships are so important for our overall health.  God made us for relationships and we need to do our part to invest in them and nurture them.

With Valentines Day just around the corner, love is on most peoples mind right now.  Whether married or single, people are born with the need to be loved and to love.  If an infant does not receive love through touching and caring they do not develop properly.  I believe that does not change as we get older.  If we don’t experience unconditional love, we do not develop properly emotionally.  We also cannot love other people well if we do not feel loved ourselves.

Unfortunately we live in a broken world, where there is no perfect love.  As humans we all fall short in this area of life.  We may have our moments, but in the long run all of us struggle to love perfectly.  I cannot love my wife on my own, only with the help of God can I love her the way Christ loved the church.  In 1 John 4:17-21 we hear a clear message about love:

“God is love.  When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us.  This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day-our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s.  There is no room in love for fear.  Well-formed love banishes fear.  Since fear is crippling, a fearful life-fear of death, fear of judgment- is one not yet fully formed in love.  We, though, are going to love-love and be loved.  First we were loved, now we love.  He loved us first.  If anyone boasts, “I love God,” and goes right on hating his brother or sister, thinking nothing of it, he is a liar.  If he won’t love the person he can see, how can he love the God he can’t see?  The command we have from Christ is blunt:  Loving God includes loving people.  You’ve got to love both.”

So God has shown us the way in which to love and has called us to now love other people that way.  When God is living in us, His love shines through us.  He gives us the strength to love someone that is unlovable.  The way in which we love is evidence of our relationship with God.

So what does loving well look like?  It is a daily challenge for us to love well.  We are tested constantly through difficult people and circumstances.  That is why it is so important for us to be growing closer to God each day.  I know for me, when I start to let my relationship with God slip, I start to fail many of the love tests that come my way.  I tend to have a shorter fuse and be less patient with the people around me.

To read about the way of love click here

Loving well takes a mindset and an attitude of humility and meekness.  Most people struggle with the idea of being humble and meek, but listen to what God has to say about those qualities:

“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”  Philippians 2:3-4

“Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.”  Matthew 5:5

It takes great strength and courage to be a man or women of humility and meekness.  It is not a sign of weakness but of great strength.  To love well a person must be humble and meek.  Meek means to be gentle, patient and submissive.  Those qualities are rare these days, but in order to love well they are needed.  So here are my closing thoughts on Loving Well:

• We can’t love other people, without God’s love living in us
• Love begins with humility and meekness
• Every day we go through love tests, which either increase our capacity to love or decrease our capacity to love, it’s our choice.
• Fear cannot co-exist with love
• Love is not an emotion, it is a choice and an attitude.  It is a way of life.

So here is the challenge – Choose to love well, Choose to love God, Choose to love people.

photo credit: Nina Matthews Photography(find me on FB

I’ve been reading through the Message Bible this year. I have read the entire Bible in this version and am doing it again because I find myself drawn in by this version of the Bible. It is easy to read and I find myself reading large portions in one sitting. Yesterday I started reading the book of Philippians, but only got through one chapter. A portion of Paul’s prayer for the Philippians really jumped out at me and challenged me. Here it is, Chapter 1 verses 9 & 10:

“So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush.”

I can’t get this idea of loving well out of my mind. Lot’s of questions have run through my mind. How well do I love? How do I love well? What does he mean by love appropriately? Why should I use my head to test my feelings? Love is a word that has been used a lot and it’s meaning has been confused in my opinion. For many people the idea of loving well is somewhat confusing and intimidating. Many of the people I talk too and interact with struggle with this idea of loving well. There are so many struggling, broken relationships today that to love well is almost uncommon.

I don’t have time to go very deep on this thought, but I want to share some ideas I have on how to love well. These ideas may connect with you for your marriage relationship, your parenting relationship, or other relationships you currently are struggling in or are wanting to do better. There is a lot more to loving well, and none of us will ever love perfectly, but all of us can love better.

• To love well, we must admit our inadequacy – What I mean by that is none of us know how to make intimate relationships work. We might know some things that work, but we are inadequate on our own to love well all the time. So say it with me, I don’t know what I am doing!

• To love well, we must be humble – Pride destroys relationships, humility heals relationships. Humility is the secret of blessing and intimacy. In humility we think about our selves less and those close to us more. In humility we look to serve those around us without expecting anything in return. In humility we realize we need help from God in order to love well.
• To love well, we must trust – Without trust no relationship can last. Trust is about always looking and believing the best about a person. Trust can only happen if I know who I am and who I am not. Trust leads to deeper intimacy, and also the potential for deeper hurt. Trust means I will open my heart and not close out people. Trust means never looking back and bringing up the things that are behind me. Trust does not mean I allow people to continue to hurt me or take advantage of me.
• To love well, we must forgive – I know of no relationship that last over time that does not have to give and receive forgiveness. As humans we hurt each other, our natural tendency is to be selfish. When we are quick to forgive, we do not allow bitterness and anger the time to take root. If we are slow to forgive emotions come out of us that hurt and damage us and others. Forgiveness allows us to love well for the long haul.
• To love well, we must persevere – Loving people is not easy. Patience and persistence are vital to loving well. Love never gives up. Through the most difficult of times we can love well if we have a long-term perspective. Loving the unlovable may seem impossible at times, yet to love well, we must love to the end. As mentioned earlier we can only do this with the power and strength that comes from a relationship with Jesus Christ. He is perfect love and he can give us what we need to love someone for the long haul.
• To love well, we must grow – When we stop growing we often stop loving well. Whether it is spiritual growth, emotional growth, intellectual growth or even physical health. When we stop learning, growing and changing our love deteriorates and declines. If I find myself struggling to love the people around me as I should, I start to spend more time with God, I read more, I pray more, I exercise more, I schedule more one-on-one appointments, I talk to my life mentors. Just like a tree, to be healthy and strong it must keep growing. It’s roots go deeper to find more nutrients and water. It’s branches grow thicker to support the additional growth. We need to find ways to have our roots go deeper and our branches grow thicker in order to continue to love well.

I could come up with some more, but this is a great start. How well do you love? What would your spouse say? What would God say?

How do you lead through relationships? John Maxwell has been quoted saying “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Leadership cannot be separated from relationship. In order to accomplish anything of significance it takes people and healthy relationships in order to bring lasting results. By developing good relational skills a leader can get much more done. In Romans 12:9-21 Paul gives us ten instructions on how to build solid relationships:

1. Avoid hypocrisy – be sincere and real, walk the talk (v. 9)
2. Be loyal – treat others like brothers and sisters (v. 10)
3. Give preference to others – honor the desires of others above your own (v.10)
4. Be hospitable – look for ways you can serve and meet the needs of others (v. 13)
5. Return good for evil – Don’t retaliate when others hurt you, hold your tongue (v.14)
6. Identify with others – Celebrate with others, show compassion to others (v.15)
7. Be open-minded toward others - Connect with people by being more interested in them than yourself (v. 16)
8. Treat everyone with respect – This shows you value them as a person (v. 17)
9. Do everything possible to make peace - do your best to resolve conflict (v.18)
10. Remove revenge from your life – Let God judge others; you love them (v.19-21)

Wouldn’t it be great if we had signs for people like we have signs for roads? You approach a person and they hold up a sign that says “I just had a big fight with my spouse this morning, proceed with caution”, or “Feeling highly stressed, may explode”.

Maybe at work your boss could have a sign saying “Under Pressure” or a co-worker “Having trouble with my child, Hard to Focus”

We could go on and on describing different signs people could wear. The point is that we don’t get that clear of a message in our relationships. We all have to go through drivers education in order to get a license to drive. We don’t go to relationship training to learn how to relate to people better. A lot of us should get pulled over for not reading relational signs correctly. We often run red lights, don’t merge properly and ignore many signs people are giving us relationally.

Jesus was a master at reading people, noticing people that others ignored. Of course He had the advantage of being God and knowing their thoughts, but we can learn from Jesus’ example. He paid attention to the outward signs from people and could quickly read the motives behind the actions. The problem for many of us is that we are far to engrossed in our own lives that we fail to notice the people around us. We lead busy, preoccupied lives and often miss the bright neon signs someone is flashing in front of us.

This happens a lot in marriage. One spouse is holding up all kinds of signs that are saying we are in trouble, we need help, we are heading in the wrong direction. The other spouse ignores those signs and maybe puts up others sign like things are OK, full speed ahead, we can do this on our own.

God shows us in Genesis 4:6 how to read signs “Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast?” God sees that Cain is upset because of his facial expression. We can also know if someone is angry, frustrated, unsure, scared, disappointed etc from the facial and body expression that people use.

When we tune into each other and notice these little outward expressions, it helps us to connect at a deeper emotional level. Some people are not very good at picking up on these signs and can actually be blind to many of these signs. Often that starts early in life by being shut out relationally by family, school mates etc. They begin to insulate themselves from getting rejected and eventually stop being able to read what another person is feeling. Those who have been abused can also insulate themselves from emotional connections with people.

To regain that takes emotional healing and a lowering of the walls that have been built around the heart. Everyone can learn to read other peoples signs better. Often it is by trial and error, by asking questions and talking about what you are observing. Many times we can sense when something is wrong with people we know well. That sense comes from the non-verbal and verbal communication they are sending us. Simply asking some questions of that person can help to open the lines of clear communication about what is going on.

So my challenge to us all is to pay attention this week. Look for signs like “Road Closed”, “Stop”, “Yield”, “Proceed with caution”, “Slow Down”, “Do Not Enter”.

Life is full of signs and people wear them every day. I love the comedian that talks about “Here’s your sign” that is different, that is us giving someone else a sign instead of reading theirs.

Paying attention, asking questions and knowing when to give someone space and when to pursue them are all critical relational skills. I hope this will also help you as you display your own signs. What are you saying to the people around you? Maybe you need to change out some of your signs to allow people to get closer to you.

I read this today in Michael Hyatt’s Blog and thought it would be worth sharing. This is a different way of looking at the world around us. I have been challenged lately to love people better. Jesus told us to love others like we love ourselves. I am not sure I can say that I do that every day. So here is a prayer for me and for you:

May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships,
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression and exploitation of people
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them
And turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to our children and the poor.

Amen

I hope that was as inspiring and challenging to you as it was for me. I want to challenge you to start praying that prayer and asking God to make you uncomfortable. Compassion and love for people is not a feeling, it is an action – Go make a difference!

Relationships are messy. Think about all your close relationships – no matter who it’s with – it’s messy. Ask yourself these simple questions about your closest relationship:

• Have you ever felt misunderstood?
• Have you ever been hurt by what they said?
• Have you ever felt like you haven’t been heard?
• Have you ever disagreed on a decision?
• Have you ever been let down?
• Have you ever doubted the other person’s love?
• Has the other person ever doubted your commitment?
• Have you ever struggled to resolve conflict?
• Have you ever felt used?
• Have you ever thought, If I had only known!

These questions confirm that our most valued relationships are often very messy and difficult. In the book of James it says “Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desires that war within you.” When it comes to relationships, we are our own worst enemy. No wonder the Bible includes so many commands and exhortations to be patient, kind, forgiving, compassionate, gentle and humble. The Bible assumes that our relationships on this side of eternity will be messy and require a lot of work.

The most healthy relationships are the ones that are other-focused instead of self-focused. Our sinful nature though causes us to act in different ways. Here are 6 basic ways we destroy relationships:

1. Self-Centeredness – What is best for me
2. Self-Rule – I am in control
3. Self-Sufficiency – I can handle this on my own
4. Self-Righteous – Your sin is the problem
5. Self-Satisfaction – I want just want to be happy
6. Self-Taught – I don’t need anyone telling me what to do

None of this will improve apart from a growing, intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. When our attention turns to God and knowing Him more intimately that is when relationship can begin to improve. We need to plug into God for the ability to love, forgive, be patient, be humble etc.

I believe God has a bigger agenda for our relationships than we do. Our personal agenda is to be happy, or in control, while God’s agenda is for us to become more like Jesus Christ. When we work at our relationships, it puts us in position to be changed by God.

All of us have tried to be the Holy Spirit in another person’s life, trying to work spiritual changes that only God can accomplish. When we step back and look at ourselves and how we can become more like Christ our relationships will benefit. We all struggle or have struggled in a relationship, we wish it would magically get easy, but it does not.

Only God can change a heart. He is present in our struggles and He is fighting on our behalf. James goes on to say in chapter 4 “You want things, but you do not have them. So you are ready to kill and are jealous of other people, but you still cannot get what you want. So you argue and fight. You do not get what you want, because you do not ask God. Or when you ask, you do not receive because the reason you ask is wrong. You want things so you can use them for your own pleasures.”

Maybe a change in perspective can change our relationships. God wants to help us, but often times we are so focused on our own agenda we miss His agenda. Start looking for what God’s agenda might be in the midst of your current struggle. Messy relationships are hard, but they help us become better and healthier if we include God.