Anger is a powerful emotion that left unchecked can destroy all your relationships.  It can come on like a flood and wash away any happiness you may have.  Anger leads to unhealthy conflict, it drives other people away and it eats you up inside.  It’s no surprise that anger can be so destructive, because most people have felt the pain associated with anger.  Either on the receiving end or giving it to people we love.

According to Dr. Gary Smalley, anger is not a primary emotion.  It’s a secondary emotion caused by unresolved hurt, frustration, fear, or a combination of these.  When these things stay inside a person the result is anger.  It gets expressed in a variety of ways.  Sometimes there is an explosion of words or even physical violence.  Sometimes it’s the silent treatment and you shut people out.  To deal with anger, you need to get to the root causes.  Dr. Smalley suggests the single root cause is unfulfilled expectations.  When our expectations are blocked or not met it causes hurt, frustration, fear and then anger.

Pent up anger can lead to emotional damage and even physical sickness.  That is why it is so important to deal with it instead of ignoring it.  It won’t go away until the root issues are taken care of.  Dr. Smalley reveals seven steps that you can follow to empty stored up anger:

1. Define the offense in writing – Write down the persons name and what they did and what it took away from you.  Write down the feelings you had when it happened.  Getting it out on paper helps you to see it and to feel it again.  Bringing those emotions to the surface allows healing to begin.
2. Allow yourself to grieve the loss – If you don’t properly grieve the losses in your life, anger is a natural byproduct.  The five stages of grief are: Denial, “This can’t be happening to me” – Anger, “Why me?” – Bargaining – Depression – Acceptance.
3. Try to gain a better understanding of the offender – Did they even know they hurt you? Do they treat everyone that way?  Are they just immature and selfish?  When asking these questions it helps you deal with old hurts.  It helps you have a new perspective on what actually happened and why the other person may have done what they did.  It may just confirm what you already knew as well.
4. Treasure Hunt the offense – In other words look for the good that has come out of the situation.  Maybe it has helped you to be more compassionate to others or motivated you to treat others differently.  When we experience conflict, adversity, frustrations, or offenses they can create hidden treasures.
5. Write a letter (but don’t mail it) – Let it all out in this letter, this is a powerful way to pour out the anger without hurting anyone.  Writing in a journal is also a great way to deal with hurts, frustrations, fears and hangups.  When you’re finished destroy the letter, I like burning it.
6. Release the other person from the hurts they have inflicted and from future expectations – The Hebrew word forgiveness means “to release”.  To truly forgive someone, you must release them from their responsibility for the hurt they have caused you.  Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling.  This releasing of the other person is also a way to release the anger in your life.
7. Reach out – If it is possible reach out to the offender with kindness.  Only do this if there is no threat of physical danger.  This act of reaching out will take great courage, but could be the beginning of a new healthy relationship or simply a washing away of the offense for good.

Don’t let anger take over your insides.  Start to drill down as to why anger keeps popping up in your life.  Go get some help to navigate through the hurts, frustrations and fears from your past.  Look for the good and make the necessary changes in your life, so that anger does not control you.  This is not a once and done kind of exercise, this is a lifelong battle, because life is filled with hurts, frustrations, fear and unmet expectations.  If you want to be healthy on the inside, work hard at forgiveness and having unrealistic expectations.

Do you ever have times when it seems like your prayers are not working?  Like God is not listening? These dry times can make us feel alone and desperate.  When we pray we look for answers and solutions to whatever is facing us. We also look for a feeling of peace and comfort, and when we don’t get that we can get frustrated. I was having a conversation with some people today about how I have learned to be more compassionate by listening and not always trying to fix people and their situations.

God is like that; He is not a fixer, He is a lover. I think many times God is listening to us and encouraging us, but he is not about to fix us or the issues we have.  If He would do that every time we pray, we would never go through the growing pains we all need.  The process of learning, growing and changing is difficult and it is often in those most trying times that we grow the most.  It’s often when we are at our lowest that God can do the most inside of us.  I believe God is always nudging us to grow in our character and because of that He will allow us to go through some really difficult things.

God is always listening, concerned and compassionate.  He is not going to give us three steps to overcome our issue.  Instead He wants us to look to the Bible, other Christians and other resources to search for answers and ideas.  That is part of the process and God will sit silently until we go through that process.  So don’t give up, keep praying, keep searching and keep growing.  Each time we seek the Lord with all our heart we grow.  God loves us too much to fix us, He sent His son Jesus to die for us so we wouldn’t have to be perfect. Sometimes it is best just to enjoy His love and lean into Him even when we don’t feel the peace or comfort. Sometimes we need to vent to God knowing He is listening and can take it.

By not fixing our situation God allows us to learn from our mistakes and to deepen our faith.  He will often give us little things along the journey to let us know He is with us and for us.  When He gives us those little Only God moments we get that feeling of peace and comfort.  So keep growing in your relationship with Jesus Christ, it’s the most important thing you will ever do.

I recently gave talks to small business owners and a local fire department about leadership.  Leadership is vital in every business, every agency, every department, every school, every home and every church. As I thought about what to talk about I quickly zeroed in on three things that are keys to leading well.

1. Vision determines the direction of the Team –
   • Focusing on the future sets leaders apart!  The capacity to imagine and articulate exciting future possibilities is the defining competence of leader’s.  Leader’s are future oriented while managers are present oriented – You need both, but as a leader you need to be out in front.   If you are not very clear on your vision everyone around you will be even more uncertain.  If you’re a little fuzzy on what the future looks like, your employees, customers, suppliers and everyone else will have no idea what your vision is.
   •   A compelling vision drives an organization and attracts people.  If your vision is not big enough you won’t make much of a difference in your   community.  What do you want people experience when they come into contact with your organization?  How can you simplify your vision so it sticks?   A vision statement is not worth much if it’s only words.  Here is a vision statement I recently read that was pretty good:   Respect, Integrity, communication, and Excellence. – That was Enron’s Mission statement.
   • A clear vision helps to focus a business.  If you are all over the place pursuing everything that comes along, you will burn out your team and employees.  They will be unclear of what the main thing is.   I call this side-ways energy, when you are pursuing good things instead of the best things.  We talk about narrowing the focus where I work so that we don’t get distracted trying to do everything.  When you can focus on being really good at a few things you can make a bigger difference and be way better at it.   So what do you need to eliminate or stop doing that does not fit with your vision?

   2.  Lead Yourself First –

   I heard Bill Hybels the leader of one of the largest churches in America say that a leader should spend 50% of his time leading himself.  That seems like a lot, but when you think about it, it makes sense.   If you don’t lead yourself well, you will not lead others well.   So here are some things we can all do to work on ourselves:

   • Know what your strengths are and what your weaknesses are.  Work in your area of strength as much as possible and surround yourself with people to do what you are not good at.
   • Develop a Life Plan – Identify the 5-8 most important areas of your life and then develop some goals for each of those areas.  Do this for your personal life first and then do it for your work.
   • Read Books – Leaders are readers.  I try to read at least one book a month.
   • Meet with People – Find mentors, people that you can meet with and learn from.  Find people that are great leaders and talk to them, learn from them.
   • Hire a Coach – Executive coach, Life Coach.  They challenge you, hold you accountable, push you.
   • Form a group – Peer groups, Book study Group, Accountability group.
   • Go to conferences or seminars – be strategic.  Catalyst Conference.
   • Emotional Health, Physical Health, Spiritual Health
     • Fears, Hang-ups, bad habits.  We all have things we need to deal with and work on.  Sometimes we need to get help
       • A Counselor, a personal trainer, a pastor/mentor.

   3.  Make Developing Others a Priority.

   The last thing I want to share with you tonight is to develop others.   This is one of the things I am most passionate about.  Helping other people grow.  I really believe that the more value you add to the people around you to more successful you will be.   When you can wake up every day and think about how you can serve and develop the people around you, you will be more energized and your business will thrive.   So what do I mean when I say to develop others.  Here are some thoughts on that:

   • It first starts with you being the right kind of example.  As a leader people are watching you.  They are asking themselves are you for real?  Do you do what you say?
   • Meet one-on-one – Meeting face to face and getting to know the person makes a huge difference.  When people know you care about them, they will become a better employee or follower.  You can’t do this with everyone, but you should do it with some.
   • Meet in groups – Form book study groups with your high potentials or your entire team.  I just did this book with my team - QBQ The Question Behind the Question.
   • Take them on field trips with you
   • Send them to seminars and conferences
   • Encourage them to develop a life plan, meet with people, read books etc.
   • Hire a trainer to come work on areas that are important.
   • Listen

Do those three things well and you will excel as a leader no matter where you are leading.

As human beings we have basic needs. Some are physical like food, oxygen, water, sleep.  We also have needs for our inner being or our soul.  This includes the realm of our emotions.  This is what fills our cup and keeps us going.  There are four basic soul needs that all of us crave.  We are all created with these needs and we all search for ways to meet these needs everyday.  Most of the time we look in the wrong places to meet these needs.  So here they are:

1. Acceptance – Knowing you are loved and needed by others.
2. Identity – Knowing you are individually significant and special.
3. Security – Knowing you are well protected and provided for.
4. Purpose – Knowing you have a reason for living.

These basic needs are the driving force behind what motivates us in life.  Just like we crave food and develop an appetite, we crave emotionally to have these needs met on a regular basis.  If we go too long with these basic needs unmet, we become depressed, anxious, fearful, angry, lonely, and numb.  These are needs, so we must have them met or we cannot survive.  The problem is that the way we seek to meet these needs is primarily through other people or things.  When we do that three things usually result:

1. We will be disappointed with the results, no matter how well things go.
2. We will lack the inner resources we need to love others the way we should and confront life successfully.
3. We almost always will be hurt or offended eventually by the one we trust.

When we trust in people and things our inner security is dependent on someone or something we cannot predict or control and that is limited.  Often our ability to give is dependent on what we get from from others.  If I am not getting what I want, then I don’t give what I know I should.  This leads to a life of disappointment and frustration.  When our expectations are that others meet these needs it creates a negative atmosphere of tension in our relationships.  It can even push the people around us away and create a gap in our relationships.  We are constantly disappointed with the people around us, because they can never live up to our expectations of meeting these four basic needs.

The answer is to put our trust in God to meet these basic needs.  When we trust in God our inner strength and security are dependent on God who is faithful and has unlimited resources.  Our ability to give to others flows from God living in us.  When others are not giving to us, we can still love generously and unconditionally which strengthens all our relationships over time.  Our lives are filled with an atmosphere of blessing, satisfaction and optimism because our perspective has changed from other people to God.  Our expectations of others changes, which takes pressure off of them and us.

So, who is meeting your basic needs?  If it is other people, let me encourage you to turn to God and ask Him to meet those needs of acceptance, identity, security and purpose.  As your relationship with God grows those basic needs are met in a deeper and more significant way.  The results are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control.

What does contentment mean?

“Contentment is realizing that God has already provided everything I need for my present and future happiness.”

In the New Testament, the words content and contentment are translated from arkeo, which means “to be satisfied; to be strong,” and autarkeia, which means “to need no aid or support; sufficiency of the necessities of life.

“Be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” Hebrews 13:5.

Six Thoughts about Contentment:

1. Contentment is contrary to human nature and must be learned.

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstance” Philippians 4:11.
           

2. Contentment begins by knowing the purpose of Life.

“I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death” Philippians 3:10.

3. Contentment requires distinguishing between needs and wants.

“But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that” 1 Timothy 6:8

“So do not worry , saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘ What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:31-33.

4. Contentment is based on a recognition of mutual need.

“Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God” Matthew 4:4

• Discontentment begins by desiring self-sufficiency.

Genesis 3:1-6

• Discontentment leads to covetousness (Greed).

“Then He said to them, ‘Watch out!  Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions”  Luke 12:15.

• Covetousness produces idolatry.

The Tenth Commandment Exodus 20:17

5. Contentment is achieved by exchanging things for more of Christ.

“What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things, I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ” Philippians 3:8.

“He is no fool, who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose.” Jim Elliot

6. Contentment allows us to gain things of greater value.

The Parable of the Sower.  Matthew 13:18-23

v  Contentment is valuing God-given relationships more than earthly possessions.

Matthew 26:6-16

Mary of Bethany & Judas

v  Contentment is realizing that I am indestructible until my work is done.

Book of Nehemiah

Nehemiah

v  Contentment is avoiding the bondage of personal expectations.

Joshua 7

Achan

v  Contentment is rejoicing in the way that God designed me.

Luke 19:1-10

Zacchaeus

Have you ever asked the question “why is this happening to me?”  Many of us have asked that question when we are going through difficult times in our lives.  We ask God why is this happening?  Why do I need to go through this?  I like to call the tough times in our lives desert experiences.  Both Mathew and Luke record Jesus’ time in the desert at the beginning of His ministry.  Jesus spent 40 days alone, in the desert, abstaining from food, noise and any distractions.  Jesus used this time in the desert to get closer to God.  Often times when we are in a desert in life, we focus so much on our situation that we miss what God has for us.  Maybe the question shouldn’t be why is this happening to me, but what are you trying to teach me or how can I grow as a result of this?

If our perspective is right this is what can happen in our desert experiences:

1. We can recognize that God will sometimes lead us into seasons of growth.
2. We can fight battles and overcome temptation to take shortcuts.
3. We learn discipline and to depend on God.
4. We are broken of self-sufficiency and self-promotion.
5. We find our mission or purpose.
6. We gain a new perspective.
7. We are prepared for the next phase of our vocation, ministry or calling.

God will often use the difficult times in our lives to chip away at the rough edges and develop our character.  The main thing God wants from us is our love and dependence on Him.  When we work through the difficulties and issues of life with our focus on God and not our problems we can emerge from the desert with new life and energy.  Often times God works through people and when we reach out to the right people in times of difficulty we can learn, grow and change.

Every year around Christmas my grandpa Stutzman sends out a letter and sometimes a poem.  This year he shared an extended poem in tribute to grandma who passed away last November.  I just started reading it.  My grandpa Stutzman was a pastor for many years and he still loves to write.  Maybe that is where I get some of my passion for writing and speaking.  He has been an inspiration to me over the years and an encouragement to finish life well.  He was married for 68 years and turned 91 in September.  Even now he is focused on his relationship with God and helping others with that relationship as well.

When I think of my grandpa, I think of a man that is very focused on God and the eternal, a man that loved his wife deeply and loved his children and family well.  I think of a man that welcomed my wife Vikki into the family when we got married over 22 years ago, even though she was not Mennonite.  I think of a man that has impeccable character and integrity.  He started a book store many years ago and built that business with the help of his family.  His love of books and reading and poetry has been passed on to many in the family.   He loved to preach and has told me that many times.  I think it’s the one thing he misses most since his retirement.  I thought I would share some of his letter entitled “Joyous Christmas Season 2011″ that he sent to family and friends this Christmas as a tribute to David Stutzman:

Another Christmas season has arrived.  With that season comes the knowledge that the year is coming to a close.  Though we do not know the exact date of Christ’s arrival, I think it is quite interesting that we are closing the year on a joyous note.  So to my many friends and loved ones I wish a MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR.  In your prosperity keep your focus firmly fixed on the Eternal.  Make that your New Year’s resolution.

Two words in John 1:4, and I love them; Life and Light.  Then a third word in verse 9 is descriptive, “That was the True Light”.  Verse 4 then is so profound.  “In Him was life, and the life was the light of men.”  Jesus arrived in a dark world, so it was soon clear that He was that true light.  True life is always luminous.  It always lights up and is revealing.  Jesus himself said in John 14A:6 “I am the way, (for going) the truth, (for knowing) and the life, (for growing).”  It is very clear then that Jesus was that True Light.

The reason for the Father to send His Son into a dark world is very interesting.  His sole purpose was to put that light into some being where it would luminously shine.  He did not choose the angels because they were already lighted up.  For example, if I take my flashlight into a brightly lit room and turn it on, it would not be noticeable.  But if I take it into a dark room it will shine brightly.  So the Father sends His True Light and Life into a dark world.  He places that light into us darken sinners and makes us alive and luminously shining.  I become the showcase that the True Light is lighting up.  The glory is not mine, but it belongs to the Illuminator.  May we this Christmas season thank God for the True Light and Life.  May our lives be a luminous glow for Jesus.

I hope that was a blessing to you as we head toward Christmas.  Shine brightly!  Love you Grandpa.

Why are you so afraid?  Jesus spoke those words to his followers after he calmed a storm.  It’s a question he is still asking all of us.  Why are you so afraid?  Do you still have no faith?

Here is what was happening at that time.  Jesus had been building his ministry and had attracted many people.  He had just spent most of the day teaching the people gathered about the Kingdom of God.  He was teaching in stories, and many of the people had trouble understanding the stories and their full meaning.  He would always take time to fully explain his stories to his closest followers.  The Bible tells us that when he was alone with his own disciples, he explained everything.

So after a day of teaching and then explaining the teaching in simple terms to his disciples, he said to his disciples “Let’s go over the other side.”  So off they go to cross the Sea of Galilee.  This sea is known for having violent and unexpected storms.  When the storm hit, these seasoned fishermen panicked, thinking the storm was going to sink the boats and they would drown.  This was no ordinary storm it was bigger than any of them had experienced before.  As this storm began, Jesus was sleeping.  He was tired from a long day of teaching.

Jesus knew this storm was coming, yet he chose to go to sleep.  That really bothered his followers.  How could he sleep at a time like this!

They finally woke him up and said; don’t you care if we drown?

Does any of this sound familiar?  Our lives are full of unexpected violent storms.  It often feels like Jesus is sleeping and does not care that we are in this sorm.  We feel like we need to cry out and wake him up.  We want him to keep us safe and take the storm away.

The disciples knew who Jesus was, they believed what he was teaching them, yet they underestimated his power.  They did not fully trust that he would not let them drown.  We often get spiritual amnesia and don’t remember all the things God has done for us and how He has helped us in the past.

 We are the same way, we believe in God and may even have read and studied what he has to teach us; yet we don’t fully trust him with the storms that come up in our lives.  We often equate our lives being out of control as God not being able to control.

Think about the storms in your life-the situations that cause you great anxiety.  Whatever your difficulty or challenge, you have two options:

• You can worry and assume that Jesus no longer cares like the disciples did.
• Or, you can resist that fear, and trust that God is in control and He will guide you through the storm.

The difference is where we keep our focus – on the problem or on God.

We too often try to take control of the ship and fix things on our own.  When we do that and exclude God, he patiently waits for us to come to him and trust him, to put our faith in him.

Here are two lessons we learn in life’s storms:

• We need to fight fear with fear.  Fear of the Lord is the beginning of freedom.  When we have the right fear and reverence for God, we obey Him and our focus is in the right place.
• You and I must remind ourselves who’s in the boat with us.  When God permits us to go through a life storm, it’s usually to show us that there is no problem he can’t solve.  There is no storm that is too big for him.

Traveling through these storms with Jesus in our boat strengthens our faith, develops our character and deepens our relationship with him.  That only happens when we completely trust him no matter what comes our way.  Even when we don’t understand why something is happening, God wants us to trust him and not be afraid.  When we try to lean on our own understanding we will fall down and miss what God has for us.

Proverbs 3:5-6 say “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Leaning means putting our full weight on him, resting on him without fear of falling.  God knows what is best for us, because he has a much bigger perspective than we do.

If you are in the middle of a life storm, know that Jesus is in the boat with you, or you can invite him into your boat.  Once there, he will never leave you, he will stick with you through the most violent storms imaginable.  Lean on him when you don’t know what your next move should be.  Trust God completely, he might not make the storm go away, but he will not let you drown.

This past weekend we had a conference called Canvas for our volunteers at the Campus I am leading at NewPointe Community Church.  Our team put together a great conference that included interviews with three local restaurant manager’s.  We had the manager from Starbucks talk about building culture and how to leave a lasting impression.  She also talked about how they treat their employees or partners and how they emphasize relationships company wide.  The manager from Chipotle talked about teamwork and the importance of preparation and excellence.  The final interview was with the owner/manager of Chick-fil-a and he talked about how to engage people and provide superior customer experience.  After each speaker we had our volunteers meet with their teams and brainstorm ideas on how we can work on the things we just heard. Each team got a canvas to write down ideas.  It was an amazing day and we are hoping to do it again at other campuses.  This was a day of casting vision on how we can improve and get better at connecting with and reaching the people that come to NewPointe.

I did the opening welcome and shared part of my story about how I stopped going to church in the mid 90′s because I was frustrated with the leadership of my church and was not growing spiritually.  We simply stopped going to church for about a year.  That experience of leaving church and then God working through a variety of people to get my wife and I back into church has helped me to identify with people that are going through similar struggles today.  I understand that people need time to get reconnected and re-engaged in the church.  They need time to determine if this church is any different or just the same old church in a new color.  I understand that many people have given up on the church but not on God.

As I shared that story I also shared why I love NewPointe, and why I believe NewPointe is a different kind of church.

I love that NewPointe Community Church:

• Is a safe place to hear a life changing message
• Is willing to talk about the important and difficult issues of life like sex, money, marriage, parenting
• Helps me apply the Bible to my everyday life
• Is outward focused rather than inward focused – meaning we are more concerned with reaching people than keeping people
• Is willing to take risks
• Embraces change
• Pursues Excellence, but not perfection
• Values being healthy emotionally
• Is big on relationships
• Is a place that I can serve
• Wants to partner with parents to impact children for eternity
• Equips people to become better leader’s
• Is a creative fun place
• Is willing to take anyone, no matter what your background, family history or how you look
• Mentors individuals and couples that are struggling with life
• Empowers people to lead and serve
• Keeps things simple
• Has a vision to Change the World!

This conference was a great place to express to our volunteers how important they are because every person that walks through our doors has a story and we get to contribute to the story God is writing in their lives. As a church we can also learn from other organizations on how to serve the people around us and to build a team to make a difference in our community and around the world.

I have been teaching a class on Resolving Conflict based on the book The Peacemaker by Ken Sande.  The material is wonderful and the class has been very good.  As I have been reading and studying conflict, there are some insights that I have found very helpful.  I will share a few here, hoping this will help people understand why they have conflict in their lives.

In James 4:1-3 it says:

What causes fights and quarrels among you?  Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You want something but don’t get it.  You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want.  You quarrel and fight.  You do not have, because you do not ask God.  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

What an amazing portion of Scripture, as we look into the root of why we have conflict in our lives.  Jesus talked about this in Matthew 15:19:  “Out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”    Ken Sande says “These passages describe the root cause of conflict:  “unmet desires in our hearts.“  I would add to that the emotion of fear, as we fear our desires will not be met or we fear a certain outcome.

Some desires we have are unhealthy, like revenge, lust, greed, jealously.  Some of the desires we have can be good, like a happy marriage, a loving spouse, respectful children, a raise a work, a promotion, for people to respect you, a new iPad or a growing church.  The problem is when someone or something blocks us from having these desires, conflict happens.  Sande shares that there are basically two options at this point; God’s way or our way.

God’s way:

• Trust God and seek your fulfillment in Him – “Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you.”  Psalm 73:25.  When we see ourselves as God sees us and completely trust Him for all things, He will give us what we need to overcome anything that comes our way.
  
• Ask God to help you continue to grow and mature no matter what the other person does – “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  James 1:2-4
• Continue to love the other person who is blocking your desire, pray for God’s sanctifying work in his or her life, and wait for the Lord to open the door for progress at a later time – “We love because he first loved us.  If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar.  For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.  And he has given us this command:  Whoever loves God must love his brother.”  1John 4:19-21
• By choosing God’s way, He promises to bless you and, no matter what the other person does, to use your difficult situation to conform you to the likeness of Christ – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.”  Romans 8:28-29

Our Way:

• We demand – When we see something as being essential to our fulfillment and well-being, it moves from being a desire to a demand.
• We judge – When a person demands something of another and that person does not listen, we can quickly judge them.  We judge others by criticizing, nit-picking, nagging, attacking and condemning.  This can also quickly lead to feeling superior, condemning, bitter or resentful.
• We Punish – Whether deliberately or unconsciously, we will find ways to hurt or punish people so that they will give in to our desires.  It may be through hurtful words, using guilt or shame, stomping and slamming, ignoring, withholding love or respect or even physical abuse.  Inflicting pain on others is one of the surest signs that an unhealthy desire is ruling our hearts.

So here are a few questions to ponder:

• How am I punishing others?
• How am I judging others?
• What am I demanding to have?
• What is the root desire of that demand?
• What am I preoccupied with?  The first thing on my mind in the morning.
• How would I fill in this blank?:  “If only _______, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure.”
• Where do I put my trust?
• What or Who do I fear?
• When a certain desire is not met, do I feel frustration, anxiety, resentment, bitterness, anger, or depression?
• How can you cultivate a more passionate love for and worship of God?

Take some time to answer these questions honestly.  Ask God to reveal areas where you have gone your way instead of His way.