Category: Marriage

Today my wife and I got to enjoy a great day with friends at Dave Mast and Jessica Rilke’s wedding. I work with both of them and am so happy for them. It was a beautiful day for an outdoor wedding. We ate hot dogs and hamburgers and Danny even caught a fish at the pond. Arden & Sue Kaufman hosted this great wedding at their home near Berlin. We got to enjoy this one as guests as Kevin West officiated. He did a great job, short and meaningful with a little humor.

This has been a busy year for weddings at NewPointe Community Church(12 so far this year). I have the fun job of officiating at most of these weddings. In July I had 5 weddings, busy but fun. My wife is becoming an expert on weddings. She loves to go with me and help as needed. The fun part is meeting all the families and seeing how different everyone is. Some are very laid back and calm and others are a bit more stressed and excitable. I love to meet with them and of course we get to eat at the rehearsal dinners and the receptions. The opportunity to talk about spiritual things at a wedding is big. People are usually in a good mood and are open to hearing truth.

Doing all these weddings has made me even more aware of how important it is to work at our relationships. Good marriages don’t just happen. All these couples that got married this year are expecting their marriages to last a lifetime and to be happy ever after. I believe most of them will do well, because they put the work in on the front end. All the couples we marry at Newpointe must go through a mentoring process. They take an online inventory and then meet with a mentor couple 6 to 8 times to go over the results and to work through exercises. They get to know the mentors and build a relationship with them. It is almost like buying marriage insurance, because the statistics show that couples that go through a mentoring program before marriage have a much lower divorce rate.I believe it is less than 10 percent.

The work of talking through issues they disagree on is very valuable. If they can talk and resolve some of these issues before the wedding date they will have fewer problems early in the marriage.

When you are in love you sometimes overlook some glaring differences. Each person brings expectations to the marriage that can be unrealistic. Talking about things like, family, parenting, careers, sex, money and friends are very important. It helps to identify expectations and helps each of them understand their differences. There are also fewer surprises when you work through things before you get married.

Getting married is one of the biggest decisions you will make in your life. I will never understand why someone would not want to put in some hard work before to “learn” how to do it right. You don’t jump into a car and just start driving without first getting some instruction and guidance. You don’t start a job without going through an orientation and training. Why would you not want to get some training before starting a lifelong relationship?

When I meet with these couples looking to get married, I stress the importance of continual learning. I tell them to read books together and go to seminars and conferences together. I encourage them to grow spiritually together as well.

It is never too late to start working on it. I counsel many couples that are having difficulties, and a lot of time it is because of not knowing each other and how to communicate love to each other. Unresolved conflict, inner fears and bad communication can keep us from healthy marriages. It is so easy to just live together and not grow in intimacy and not work on ourselves or our relationship. Life gets in the way of our intimacy and keeps us from having great marriages. You must be intentional to avoid the trap of a mediocre marriage.

I am still working on my marriage after 19 years together. I currently am reading a book about sexual intimacy in Marriage. Wow, I wish I would of had this book when I first got married. More on that later.

Lately, I have been doing a good bit of marriage counseling. I have been meeting with couples together and individually. Some really want to work on things, others don’t know if they want to put the work in. As I listen to the problems, conflicts and situations, I see some recurring themes. Most of these couples are not communicating, they are fighting. They are also focused on their problems and not on God.

When I meet with a couple, I first want to hear how they met and fell in love. I ask about their families and some of their past. The reason I do that is two fold; first I want to hear their stories to better understand them and secondly, I want them to remember something good, and why they got married.

After that we begin to zero in on what the problems seem to be. Many of the problems are a result of a much deeper issue or issues. The hard work is digging down to discover what is causing you to react in this way when problems come up. Why do I get so angry when she does this? Why do I get so upset when he does that?

If you are not willing to look under the surface and deal with the old junk, hurts or habits, the surface problems will continue. You see, we all have core fears that trigger these reactions of anger, defensiveness, blaming, manipulation, sarcasm or withdrawal. Identifying your fear buttons is an important first step toward working through it. A great book called “The DNA of Relationships” by Dr. Gary Smalley can help you identify your fears and help you work through them.

In a marriage relationship communication often is a big problem. I believe one of the reasons we struggle with communication is that men and women are usually speaking different languages. Can you imagine living with a person that speaks mostly Japanese with a few English words mixed in? While you speak mostly English and understand a few Japanese words. It would be very difficult to communicate and gain understanding, especially if you don’t make an attempt to learn their language.

Men and women think and communicate in different ways. Men tend to think and communicate with logical steps and want to fix things. Women tend to think and communicate with emotion and want to express themselves and be understood. When my wife and I have a conflict, it is usually because I have not spoken her language. To avoid that I need to try to listen more and speak less. I need to listen and try to understand and not fix. I also need to think before I say something. How will she filter this message I am about to deliver. To do that I need to know my wife and how she thinks and what is important to her. I need to know what her “Love Language” is and what her “fear buttons” are. Some books to consider reading are “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

That takes some time and work. It means I need to become curious about my wife and try to find out what makes her tick. Unfortunately many couples don’t want to work at that. It is much easier to go on the attack, to do the selfish thing, to ignore the problems, to escape through work, recreation, alcohol or the Internet. It is easier to just say whatever I think and not be concerned about the hurt I am causing.

There is a better way and it leads to healthy relationships. You see on our own we can’t do the stuff I talked about. We can’t love our wives or respect our husbands. It takes bringing God into your marriage. It means giving God your spouse and marriage. It means turning your focus from your spouse and problems and focusing on growing in your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Even if your spouse is far from God, you can grow in your walk with God. When you do that God will give you the ability to deal with the problems, to react in a different way, to use different words, to show love & respect. Ephesians 5:33 says this “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

I always try to point couples to God. I ask about their prayer time and if they are reading God’s Word. Are they attending Church together and involved in a small group. Most of the time the answer is no. Did you know that couples that pray together on a consistent basis rarely get divorced. It doesn’t mean they don’t have conflict, but they are working together as a team. They are on the same side and working together to work through conflict. If you are not viewing your marriage relationship as a team effort, then you are struggling in your marriage. You will act in selfish ways and view the other person as the opposition, instead of a teammate.

My question is this, what is your next step in your marriage? Do you need to reconnect with God, get counseling, pray together, go on a date, stop using hurtful words, start learning his/her love language, start speaking his/her love language, Discover your core fears, get in a couples group, read a book on marriage together. I don’t know what it is for you, but you need to take a step.

On Saturday I had the privilege of officiating at the wedding of Jeremy McCaully and Johnna Saylor. The wedding was held at Schoenbrun Moravian Church in New Philadelphia. The church holds around 150 and we ended up with nearly 200 people.

On the song to bring in the grand parents the electric went out. Needless to say it started getting warm in there. We decided to keep going and hope for the best.

The mother’s came in and lit the unity candles and the wedding party entered. After the bride got to the front, I welcomed everyone and was just about to pray when the lights and air conditioning came on. Praise God!

The rest of the service went well, except one of the groomsman had to leave because he was starting to see stars. He made it without passing out.

This was a fun wedding with lots of smiles and laughter. Jeremy & Johnna are such a great young couple, it was good to get to know them. I pray that they have a long happy life together.

The reception was at the Senior Center in Dover. Great place for a reception or party. The food was good and the conversation fun. I even got up on the dance floor to do the “electric slide”. I know that is not very pastor-like, but it was fun. Denise Royer joined me on the dance floor, you go girl!

In my message to the couple I talked about dance steps from the Bible that will help their marriage. Those dance steps are “Choose your words wisely”, “Settle your disagreements quickly”, and “Practice forgiveness”. Those are foundational dance steps to learn in a healthy marriage.

We talk about intimacy with God a lot around here. Having a close personal relationship with God is our desire for every person that comes to NewPointe.

What about intimacy in our marriages? We all desire to have intimacy with our spouse, but how many couples out there are balanced in their marriage intimacy? And what does that look like? Most guys don’t like that word, because it is touchy feely stuff. We are not comfortable with emotions and feelings. Well guys, if you want a great marriage intimacy is important.

To have balanced intimacy in your marriage you need to address body, soul and spirit. When we think of intimacy in marriage we most often think about physical intimacy. Having a strong sexual relationship is important, but it is only one part of intimacy. If you start here you often miss out on the other two areas completely. Are you attentive to your spouses sexual needs? Are you comfortable communicating your sexual desires and preferences to your spouse? Are you good at sharing appreciation and love verbally? How often do you hold hands, hug, kiss?

You may have heard the phrase “soul mates”. That is talking about emotional intimacy. This dimension is about friendship. Is your spouse your best friend? Do you connect with each other on a deeper emotional level? Do you love to just be together, talking or not? Do you listen beyond just words? Do you freely express your feeling with each other? Can you give each other time alone or with others without feeling jealous? Do you trust each other?

The last dimension and the most important one is spiritual. A spiritual closeness comes from your own personal spiritual growth and relationship with Jesus Christ. Are you both in agreement about your values and beliefs? Do you talk about God and your beliefs? Do you pray together or read Scripture together? Are you in a small group with other Christians? Do you go to church together regularly?

So where are you at in your marriage intimacy? If your like me you have some work to do. Closeness doesn’t just happen because you have the same last name or live under the same roof. Becoming one in marriage involves the freedom to share all of yourself with your spouse – spirit, soul and body. Are you nourishing all three areas?

Remember that balance takes work and perseverance. Your marriage is for a life time, which means a life time of growing and changing together as a team. For better or worse, in sickness and in health til death us do part.

Everyone defines success a little differently, it depends on your filter or how you view the world. In marriage success can mean many things as well. To some a successful marriage is not getting divorced or maybe not fighting too much. To others it may be having a family and a house and two cars. To someone else it may be a close friendship with their spouse. Think about what a successful marriage looks like to you.

I thought I would talk about what good marriages have in common. If you don’t know what a strong healthy marriage looks like you can’t work toward it. In a landmark twenty-five year research project that studied 14,000 families around the world, Dr. Nick Stinnett, a marriage expert, found that strong families have at least six major things in common.

1. Commitment: trust, honesty, dependability, faithfulness
2. Appreciation and Affection: caring for each other, friendship, respect for individuality, playfulness and humor
3. Positive Communication: sharing feelings, giving compliments, avoiding blame, compromise, agreeing to disagree
4. Time Together: quality time in great quantities, enjoying each other’s company, simple good times, and sharing fun times
5. Spiritual well-being: faith, compassion, shared ethical values, oneness with mankind
6. Ability to cope with stress: adaptability, growing through crisis together, openness to change, resilience.

This information came from a book by Dr. Greg Smalley “The Marriage You’ve Always Dreamed Of.”

I want to focus on two of the most important factors for a successful marriage.

The first is spending time together. Most of the couples I talk to that are struggling in their marriage are not spending much if any time together. When you are not spending time together you quickly fill your time with other things and people. Soon your needs are being met without your spouse and over time you feel you don’t need your spouse around. You are doing your own thing and she is doing her own thing and you are no longer a team. Between work schedules and children and other busy stuff you don’t find time for each other. It becomes easy to not talk or go on a date or schedule a time to get away. You cannot become intimate with someone if you are not spending significant time together.

Think back to when you were dating. You spent a lot of time together. You talked on the phone, went on dates and spent every free moment together. When you got married that began to change. If you stop spending time together you don’t communicate about money, children, faith, work, family and most everything else. Time together is a big deal in successful marriages.

The second thing I want to mention is this; In the most successful marriages learning about each other is a high priority. Dr. Smalley surveyed 10,000 couples and the second thing on their list behind time together was “getting to know each other on a deeper level”.

I call this being curious about your spouse. Trying to figure out what makes them tick. Discovering what their love language is and what their top 5 needs are. Talking about your past, your childhood, your dreams, your hurts, your fears, your core beliefs, your goals, sex, religion. Basically everything and anything that will help you gain a better window into the soul of your spouse.

That sounds like a lot of work doesn’t it? You are exactly right. Every couple I meet with I tell them they are going to have to put in a lot of work because a lot of damage has been done to get where they are at. If you don’t work on things for years you need more than a tune up, you need an engine overhaul. You can’t fix it in a month or two. You need to dig down into the relationship and rebuild it. That is why it is so important to start working on it today. Don’t wait for the right time to make changes in your marriage, don’t wait for your spouse to change. It starts with you and your willingness to change and grow.

Remember your wedding vows: I, Chad take you, Vikki, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death us do part, and thereto I pledge you my faith.

Are you keeping your vows? Are you loving and cherishing? Are you willing to do whatever it takes to build a successful relationship with your spouse?

As promised here are some thoughts about marriage. I do some marriage counseling and it has forced me to examine my marriage and work on my marriage as well. On May 27, 2007 my wife Vikki and I will celebrate 18 years together. It has gone fast and we have learned a lot. I have made so many mistakes in our relationship, but each time we work through the issue as best we can. I have to say that when I started being less selfish is when our relationship began to improve. I knew I had to change before our relationship could change.

Ever marriage will have some tough times. Some of those are brought on because we make bad decisions or are selfish. Other times it is out of our control, like a tragedy, sickness or accident. Part of life is facing the hard times, and as a married couple you do that together. God created marriage for us, to be a team; Genesis 2:24 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Becoming one flesh means you are a team, two people acting as one. You are still distinct individuals and have to make your own choices, but you are also connected to your spouse in a relationship like no other human relationship. It is like two pieces of paper coming together, the marriage is the glue that bonds the two together. Have you ever tried to separate two pieces of paper that are glued together? You can’t without ripping and tearing it apart.

Part of working together as a team means training. Many marriages start without any training, we fall “in love” and think that is all that matters. Wrong! Love is not all that matters feelings come and go, love is up and down. Some days I don’t feel like I am in love with my wife. It takes more than love to make a marriage work. That is why it is so important to put the work in before you get married. Couples that go through a mentoring program before they get married have a much lower divorce rate than those that do not. At NewPointe we require couples to go through mentoring before we will marry them. It has been very successful and we have received great feedback from the mentors and the mentee’s. Call me if you want to know more about premarital mentoring.

But what if we are already married and are having problems now? Well there is hope, I believe that nearly all troubled marriages can be saved and healed. God has given us the tools we need to develop strong solid marriages. It may take some time and some real work but it is doable. The greatest counselor in the world is God and HE is the one that can work a miracle in your marriage.

It all starts with your relationship with Jesus Christ. Can you sit down with your spouse or a friend and share your story of salvation? Can you share with them the exact moment in your life that you made the decision to believe and follow Jesus? If you can’t, then maybe you have not truly experienced salvation. That is step one for most people or at least beginning to explore who Jesus is and discover what He has for you. When your relationship with God is right, your heart begins to change as you become more like Christ. You treat people differently and your attitude is different because you have a new perspective on life, people and eternity.

If you are a born again Christian then working on your marriage is not an option, it is a requirement of marriage. Begin that process of talking with your spouse about how you can improve your relationship, maybe it is getting help from your pastor or a Christian counselor. Maybe it is committing to read a book on marriage together. Whatever it is start today. Even if your spouse does not want to work on it you can. You can begin to make changes in yourself and seek help for yourself.

Begin to pray for your spouse daily, not that he or she will change, but that you will change and that your spouse will grow spiritually and emotionally. Pray for God to give them wisdom and courage and that God will bring the right people along to influence and encourage both of you along the way. Then start praying together, as a couple and a family.

Next time I will talk about the five love languages and the love bank and how you can win back your spouse before its too late.