Let’s Talk about SEX

This past Sunday the Sermon topic at NewPointe Community Church was about Sex. We are in a series called “Worlds Apart”. You can listen to past messages on line or download them from iTunes. Basically we are looking at some of the hot topics like, sex, money and suffering from God’s perspective as compared to the worlds perspective.

I recently finished reading two books on the topic of sex. I highly recommend both of these books. The first is called “Every Man’s Battle” by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. They also have a version out for women, young men and young women. Every man should read this book. My men’s group has been reading this and we are trying to grow in this area of our lives. This book is about sexual temptation and how to have victory over those temptations. In today’s world, sex is everywhere you look. Sex sells and people know it. It is used in advertising, in entertainment on TV and in the movies. It is everywhere you turn.

For men, sex has a very powerful pull. Most men are very visual and therefore our eyes can get us in a lot of trouble. The book gives a simple 10 question test to see how you are doing with sexual temptation:

  1. Do you lock on when an attractive woman comes near you?
  2. Do you masturbate to images of other women?
  3. Have you found your wife to be less sexually satisfying?
  4. Are you holding a grudge against your wife-a grudge that gives you a sense of entitlement?
  5. Do you seek out sexually arousing articles or photo spreads in newspapers and magazines?
  6. Do you have a private place or secret compartment that you keep hidden from your wife?
  7. Do you look forward to going away on a business trip?
  8. Do you have behaviors that you can’t share with your wife?
  9. Do you frequent porn-related sites on the Internet?
  10. Do you watch R-rated movies, sexy videos, or the steamy Cable channels for gratification?

“If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re lurking at the door of sexual addiction. You’re inside that door if you can answer yes to the following questions”:

  1. Do you watch pay-per-view sexually explicit TV channels at home or on the road?
  2. Do you purchase pornography on the Internet?
  3. Do you rent adult movies?
  4. Do you watch nude dancing?
  5. Do you call 900-numbers to have phone sex?
  6. Do you practice voyeurism?

I know these are pretty heavy questions, but this is a huge problem. Not only in the world, but in the church. Many Christians are addicted to sex. That bondage is slowly destroying men, marriages and families. I am serious that every man should read this book and get real about the temptations we are facing. You have to make a decision about whether you want to be pure or not. If you want to know God’s standards on sex, here are some Scriptures to go read:

Matthew 5:28, Mark 7:21-23, Acts 15:23, Romans 13:12-13, 1 Corinthians 5:11, 1 Corinthians 6:18, 2 Corinthians 12:21, Galatians 5:16,19, Ephesians 5:3-4, Colossians 3:5-6, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5,7, Hebrews 12:16, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Peter 4:3, Jude 7, Revelation 2:14, Revelation 2:20 and Revelation 21:8.

Here are some takeaways from the authors on these Scriptures and God’s Standards for Christians:

  • Sexual immorality begins with the lustful attitudes of our sinful natures. It is rooted in the darkness within us. Therefore sexual immorality, like other sins that enslave believers, will incur God’s wrath.
  • Our bodies were not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, who has both created us and called us to live in sexual purity. His will is that every Christian be sexually pure-in thoughts and his words as well as his actions.
  • Therefore it is holy and honorable to completely avoid sexual immorality-to repent of it, to flee from it, and to put it to death in our lives, as we live by the Spirit. We’ve spent enough time living like pagans in a passionate lust.
  • We should not be in close association with other Christians who persist in sexual immorality.
  • If you entice others to sexual immorality, Jesus Himself has something against you.

OK, so that is a pretty high standard. On our own we cannot do it, but if we plug into God’s power he can help break the chains that keep us in bondage. The first step is to really want to be free from this and make that decision to obey God’s commands.

Guys, this battle is real and it is hard. Don’t take it lightly, because it can sneak up on you. It starts with some very innocent things and slowly begins to creep into our lives. Many men were exposed to pornography at young ages or influenced in a negative way toward sex growing up. It has become so common place that we are immune to many of the warning signs. Before we know it we are in over our heads. If you are struggling with this, go get some help. Find an accountability partner, Get some counseling from your pastor or Christian Counselor, get rid of the computer, burn the magazines. Whatever it takes to start back on the road to purity. Purity paves the way to intimacy, and that is what we want in our marriages.

Ladies, your man is in a battle every day. He is facing an enemy that uses sex as a way to take out as many men as he can. This is something you should talk about together as a couple. How can you help him to resist those temptations and have victory. Sex is a wonderful thing, when it is done in a marriage relationship. God created sex for our enjoyment! Having a healthy sex life in the marriage relationship will go a long way in helping a man win the battle of sexual temptation.

The other book I just finished is “Sheet Music – Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” by Dr. Kevin Leman. More on that in a later Blog.

I think it is great that churches are choosing to speak up on this topic of sex. Many churches are addressing this and exposing the truth about sex. I am thankful that NewPointe is one of them.

Peace and War

I love meeting with people and talking about life, relationships, leadership and spiritual stuff. When I meet with people I always have a goal. I either am trying to learn and grow myself, by asking questions and picking up nuggets that can help me become a better person, or I am meeting with someone to help them grow and stretch. I do like to just hang out sometimes, just to be with friends and have fun.

Recently I met with a friend that has really challenged me to read more. He is so passionate about reading and growing as a leader, that it has helped me to get back on track in my own reading plan. He gave me two books to check out. I have started both of them, but the one has been profound for me. I am about half way through this book and it has really spoken to me about relationships and why we do what we do.

Part of my job is to help people in their relationships. Sometimes that is counseling married couples or engaged couples. Sometimes it is listening to friends that are going through tough times. Sometimes it is a divorced person struggling with being single. Other times it is family relationships that are splintered. I deal with and interact with many broken, hurting relationships.

This book hit on a part of relationships that I have observed to be very true. The book is called “The Anatomy of Peace – Resolving the heart of conflict” by the Arbinger Institute. I won’t get into a lot of detail on this book, but I want to share the general concept that I have learned from reading this so far.

The book tells a story about families that have come to an agency for help with their unruly, difficult children. The two leader’s of this agency are very different, yet very much alike. One is Jewish and one is Muslim (that is interesting in itself). The first part of the book deals mostly with the parents and not the teenagers. The parents sit around in a circle and talk. The two leaders dig in and challenge their way of thinking.

What comes out of this time together is a profound truth; the most important factor in helping your relationships go right is the state of your heart. If you have a broken or struggling relationship with a child, parent, spouse, co-worker, neighbor, boss or employee, you need to ask yourself this question; is my heart at peace or at war with this person? That’s right, in the deepest part of your heart, what do you believe about that person and how do you view them? Do you see them as inferior, weak, egotistic, selfish, ugly, rebellious?

From my years of listening to troubled relationships, I must say that most of the time their hearts were at war. When your heart is at war you tend to see the other person as an object or an obstacle to your goal. You don’t see yourself on the same team, but opposite sidelines. When your heart is at peace you tend to see the other person as a person, a soul that matters just as much as you do. A person with feelings, emotions and a heart.

The greatest example I can think of is Jesus. He had a heart of peace toward everyone. He saw every person as a person that mattered. He saw people that were lost and without a shepherd. His heart longed for them and that helped him to minister to people that no one else cared about. He noticed the sick, the outcasts, the slaves and the children. Even the very people that killed him, he was at peace in his heart with them.

You see, your behaviors come from your heart. Your behavior toward a person comes from the beliefs you hold about them. This could be very subtle attitudes that they pick up on. A heart at war will bring out words and actions that hurt and destroy. A heart at peace will bring out words and actions that encourage and lift up.

So ask yourself how your heart is toward that person that has come to your mind as you read this. Is your heart at war? Are you on opposite sides lobbing hand grenades at each other? Or is your heart at peace, and even though you may have been hurt, you still see them as a person? When you see people as objects that are inferior to you, that is an act of war. It leads to battles, not dialog. It leads to wounds not healing.

If you want your marriage to change, then you need to change your heart. If you want your relationship with your children to change then you need to change your heart attitude toward them. If you want to change your workplace, then you need to change your heart toward the people you work with.

How’s your heart these days?

Relationships Matter

I just finished reading a great book by a pastor friend of mine, Bruce Hamsher. It is called “Bouquets – Intentional Relationships in Making Disciples”. The idea of the book is that we are an aroma to the people around us. We can either be like a bouquet of flowers or something else that does not smell good.

It was a great read for me because it reminded me how important relationships are. First and foremost our relationship with Jesus needs to keep growing. Bruce talked about baby Christians needing to get fed, but as we grow, we are able to feed ourselves. And as we mature, we can feed others. To mature in our relationship with Jesus Christ, we need to do what He taught. We need to put into action the things we have learned. When you do something it shows that you have learned it and taken it to heart.

Being intentional about investing in people is what God has called us to do. Being aware of those around us that we can be an encouragement to or that we can comfort or that we can pray for.

I hope that I can be a giver of Bouquets to the people around me, how about you?

Great Conversations

One of the things I love about my job, is that I get to have conversations with a wide variety of people. I get to hear their stories of things that are happening in their lives. Every once in a while I get into what I call “Great conversations”. It is during those conversations that I am inspired, challenged, motivated and encouraged.

This week I had a couple of great conversations. One was with a small group leader in our church. He is very passionate about growing as a leader and has been devouring leadership type books. I gave him a new one by John Maxwell called Leadership Gold. We have been exchanging books and CD’s lately and talking about leadership, relationships and life in general. I think it was a great conversation, because we were talking about real stuff, not just superficial things.

When I finish a great conversation I am energized and ready to go. I hope that after someone talks with me that they are energized as well. All of us have conversations almost every day. How often do you get to talk about things that energize and invigorate you? Which leads me to the question of what does energize and invigorate you? What are you passionate about? If you can’t think of anything, that could be a warning sign that you are stuck.

Last night at the iMarriage class at NewPointe Community Church the instructor talked about stinking thinking. The wrong way we think and how that leads to conflict and problems in our marriages. It is easy to get into the habit of thinking negatively when mostly negative stuff is happening around us. Even when lots of positive things are going on we tend to notice and focus on the negative, especially in our closest relationships. Sometimes we miss the amazing things around us. We miss out on those great conversations or we miss the beautiful scenery God created. What we think about and focus on tends to direct our behavior.

When was the last time you had a great conversation about something meaningful? Often times we miss those opportunities because we don’t take the time or make ourselves available. In that marriage class I am participating inh we ask all the couples to have a marriage staff meeting once per week for 30 minutes to one hour. Unfortunately many couples are too busy to ever have a great conversation. Life gets in the way of intimacy. You can stop that cycle by simply scheduling time together, whether it is your spouse or a friend. If you are intentional in your relationships great conversations can happen.

Loneliness

I meet with, and talk to a lot of people. Some are married, some are single, some divorced, some separated. I have been hearing a similar theme with many of the people I have been talking to lately. Words like frustration, emptiness and loneliness. As I began to think about this and read about loneliness, I soon discovered that this is a widespread problem in our society.

Loneliness comes in many forms and they all can be very painful. The death of a spouse or close family member can leave you feeling lonely. A separation or a divorce or even a broken engagement can create intense feelings of loneliness. An inability to initiate or maintain healthy relationships as a single person can also create deep loneliness. Even a married person can experience deep loneliness, especially if they are have marriage problems.

Our world today also makes it very easy to be independent and alone which can create feelings of loneliness. We can do most things in the privacy of our homes and seldom have close contact with other people.

So what do you do if you are experiencing this thing called loneliness?

Loneliness started way back when Adam & Eve sinned. They had a perfect environment and a perfect relationship with God. They had no loneliness or fear. After they sinned their relationship with God was broken and they began to experience fear and loneliness. This has continued throughout history and is still a big problem today.

I believe there are three things that can help fight against this feeling of emptiness and loneliness. We talk about these three things a lot where I work (Newpointe Community Church).

The first thing is building intimacy with God. Deepening your relationship with God and living a life of worship is the first step needed to combat loneliness. To become intimate with someone you must spend time with them and get to know their heart. The more you do that with God, the more He fills the void or emptiness you are feeling. As you begin to understand how God sees you and how much He loves you, your needs for acceptance, security and significance are met. Often times as we get off track with God, we become more depressed and lonely. We begin to focus on the problems and feelings instead of spending more time with God. It is easy to get distracted in this area of our lives when we are hurting.

The second thing is to get involved in community. We were created for relationships and often that is missing in our lives. We all crave community, close friendships and a place were people know us. It is very easy to isolate ourselves and not take the step or risk of community. My church is made up of many small groups. People that get together on a regular basis and have fun together, talk together, eat together, pray together and study together. Most people don’t have five close friends, they are lucky to have one. To combat loneliness you need to get involved in community.

The third thing is to have influence in your world. What I mean by that is to serve. When you use your God-given abilities and gifts to help other people it fills some of that emptiness as well. By giving something back to your church, community, neighbors or strangers you get so much more in return.

Using your influence also means sharing your story with other people. The things you have experienced and gone through can often times help someone else make it through a similar experience. Those two things; serving/volunteering and sharing your life story are huge in fighting loneliness.

Loneliness would want you to sit at home and think you have nothing to offer the world. To think that you can’t make a difference and things can’t get any better. Those are lies, the truth is you can make a difference and you do have something to offer. Intimacy with God, Involvement in Community and Influence in your world are all important and needed to overcome loneliness and emptiness.

Relationships Matter

I did a funeral today and it was different from most of the funerals I normally do. The husband wanted to talk about his wife and share some stories with the family and friends that came.

What was really interesting was he talked for about 30 minutes and most of the time he was talking about relationships. He talked about how family and friends came to visit while she was sick. He talked about a few in particular that stood out to him. One woman that he used to work with, really impacted this couple. This young woman was at the funeral and the husband told a story about how God brought her into their lives because God knew they would need her support. She went to visit his wife several times and was the only one with him when the doctor came to say she had passed away.

This woman was a Christian and was reaching out with compassion to a hurting family. The impact she had will never be fully known until we get to heaven. She was being Jesus to this couple.

It made me think about how important our relationships are and how important it is to care for each other. None of us know how much time we have, so it is so important to cherish and nurture our relationships. You could tell that this man really cared about his wife and he was grateful for all the others that cared about her as well.

We need to keep our eyes open for opportunities to be Jesus to someone like this young woman did with this family. All it took was taking the time to go. She went to visit, she took the time to sit with someone that was hurting. She paid attention. As a result this man is now seeing God a a whole new way. He is much closer to God as a result of this woman investing in their lives.

How many times do we miss an opportunity that God puts in front of us because we are so busy with our own lives. After hearing this man speak I once again understand why we stress being involved in community so much at NewPointe Community Church. Doing life alone is very hard and painful. Having a support system and friends to lean on is an incredible thing.

I can’t emphasize enough how important community is. You need to take a risk and get involved in a small group of some sorts. At the end of your life you will look back and remember the relationships, the people that you spent time with and built friendships with. You will share story after story about the people in your life.

Relationships matter!

Marriage Problems?

Today I spent time talking with four different men about marriage and relationship problems. All of these guys are struggling with their marriages. One just finalized his divorce, another has a divorce pending and the other two are trying to make it work.

Why is marriage so hard? I know there are many more out there that are having significant problems in their marriage. The statistics show that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. It really doesn’t make much difference if you are a Christian or not. The rate of divorce is just as high.

So what is going on and how can you divorce proof your marriage?

Here are a few free thoughts:

* Start with a good foundation. Couples that go through a pre-marital mentoring program reduce their risk of divorce by nearly 75%. A good mentoring program will help to bring to the surface issues that you have not talked about or that you are in disagreement over. It allows you to think about and talk about these differences before you get married. It helps you to understand what it takes to make a marriage work by spending time with a healthy married couple. It is life buying insurance for your marriage.

* If you’re already married and having some difficulties, invest in your marriage. We spend a lot of money on our homes, cars, clothes and other stuff. Why not spend some money on your marriage. Some ways to do that are going to a marriage retreat or seminar, you can buy a book on marriage and read it together, you can go see a Christian counselor, you can buy Cd’s or DVDs about marriage. My point is that you need to invest time and money, if you want your marriage to improve.

* Get involved in a small group. Life change happens best in a small group environment. Find a group of other couples that you can connect with, pray with and learn from. You could also do a women’s group or men’s group to build friendships and have some accountability. When we are struggling we often think we are the only ones and we tend to isolate ourselves. In a small group you soon find out that no one has it all together. You can encourage each other and care for each other.

* The most significant thing you can do to divorce proof your marriage is to pray together. The statics show that couples that pray together on a regular basis reduce their risk of divorce by over 90%. Wow, I learned that from a DVD training I have been studying and it really blew me away. Most Christian couples do not pray together. When you pray with each other it builds spiritual intimacy and helps you become one flesh.

How do you start praying together? One simple thing you can do is to hold hands and pray silently for each other or for whatever is going on in your lives and then squeeze each others hand when you are done. Simple, safe and a great way to strengthen your marriage.

* Another simple and effective way to improve your marriage is to read the book of Proverbs together. Read one chapter a day for 31 days and meet to talk about what you are reading either every day or at least every three days. If you do that diligently you will see a drastic improvement in your marriage.

If you work as hard on your marriage relationship as you do your work or hobbies you will see significant improvement in a short period of time.

Are You Listening?

Do you consider yourself a good listener? Most people would rate themselves above average as a listener, but few people are really good listeners. I read a quote today that jumped out of the page at me and made me start thinking about how I listen and see the world around me.

Here it is; “That’s why I am talking to you. You are one of the rare people who can separate your observation from your preconception. You see what is, where most people see what they expect.” That was from John Steinbeck in East of Eden.

It made me ask the question; Am I one of those rare people that sees what is? This can be a very difficult thing to do because we all view other people in a different way based on our own experiences and beliefs. It is so easy to make judgements about a person before we even get to know them. If we see a poor person we tend to think and act a certain way with them. If we see a person that looks wealthy again, we tend to act and think a certain way.

Do people want to talk to you? Do you find that people come to you often for advice and counsel? Do you wonder why this is happening? If so you are one of the rare people that God has given the gift of discernment. You are able to see the real issue or problem before others. You are able to quickly realize if someone or something is good or evil. You are able to see through the fronts that most people put on. You can even tell if people are lying or telling the truth.

Most people go through life with a mask on, not letting people too close to their world. The rare person can see through that because they really see and really listen. It’s the rare person that patiently listens to a problem or situation, asks a few clarifying questions to draw out the real issues and helps a person feel better. It’s an even rarer person that can see the problem without even having to hear a word.

I know some of these rare people and I am amazed at their ability to discern and see what is. I have to keep working on it because I still sometimes see what I expect. Slow down and really listen to people. Observe them and become curious about what is going on with them. This is especially true in our close relationships with family and spouses. Listening and trying to understand and empathize is a great gift to the people around you. All of us can listen and see better. Take off your blinders and begin to see other people the way God sees them. Listen with compassion instead of judgment. That will raise your compassion level and cause you to see what is, not what is expected.

What are you afraid of?

We all have fears, some more than others. As I listen to people I often hear their fears. I am afraid of roller coasters, needles, and heights. I try to avoid these things as much as possible. You see our fears keep us from doing things.

If I have a fear of rejection I will avoid getting to close to anyone so I can’t be rejected. If I have the fear of failure I will not try anything new because I don’t want to chance failing. If I have the fear of looking stupid, I won’t talk too much around people or give my opinion or pray out loud. The fear of being abandoned may cause me to cling to tightly to someone and even do and say things to avoid losing that person. What about the fear of being alone, that is similar to the fear of abandonment, but the fear of being alone can cause you to go after unhealthy relationships in order to never be alone.

So what is your core fear? We all have them. Fear keeps us from all the things God has for us. It is like the eagle that is nudging her babies out of the nest. They feel safe and secure in the nest. It is comfortable, plenty of food, no stress. But if that little baby eagle never gets out of the nest it can never fly and become the eagle God created it to be. So mom at some point will push the babies out and force them to fly.

Our fears keep us in the nest. God is always trying to nudge us out of the nest and into the Kingdom HE established. Each of us has a role to play in this beautiful creation. You can’t be all that God wants you to be by staying in the nest.

The first step is to identify your fears. Write them down, ask your friends or spouse to help you identify them. Once you identify them you can start asking God why that fear is there. You can ask God for courage to overcome that fear and face it. We always make our fears much bigger than they really are. When you face them it becomes much easier the next time.

I mentioned I am afraid of heights. The first time I tried to clean out my gutters I only made it half way down the roof on the side that is 20-30 feet high. I froze and couldn’t go any further. The next time I made it to the edge, but I was sweating and my muscles were very tense. Now I can walk up to the edge and look down without much of a problem.

Don’t let your fears keep you from the life God has in store for you. To have full life, an abundant life, you must overcome those core fears. To have healthy relationship and a healthy marriage you must overcome the fears that trigger bad behavior, reactions and words.

A great resource on identifying your fears is a book by Gary Smalley “The DNA of Relationships”. This is a must read for anyone that wants to improve their relationships.

1 John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

We can resolve our fears first by focusing on God’s immeasurable love for us, and then by allowing Him to love others through us. His love will quiet your fears and give you confidence.

Emotional Wounds

Most people have heard the saying that “time heals all wounds.” That simply is not true, especially for emotional wounds. As a pastor I often talk with people who are still carrying hurts from twenty to thirty years ago. The truth is, time usually makes the wound worse. When a wound is left untended it quickly becomes infected and can spread throughout the entire body. It is the same with an emotional wound. When that wound is buried and hidden the infection starts and it grows over time. This infection causes many other symptoms and problems.

Many times we try to fix the outward symptoms of anger, bitterness, guilt, jealousy, addictions, anxiety, depression and bad relationships. If you focus on these outward symptoms you never heal the wound. You may be able to mask them for a while, but they usually will return. Time only extends the pain if the original wound is not dealt with.

So, how do you deal with those wounds? On your own you cannot heal those wounds. Only Jesus Christ can heal those wounds. You will also need the help of other people as you work through the pain and open up the wound and pray for God’s healing touch. This may mean getting some professional help through counseling, spiritual help through a pastor or Christian counselor and relational help through a small group of friends to hold you accountable and encourage you.

I have helped numerous people work through steps to finding freedom from the pain of an old wound or wounds. Only the truth can set you free. Truth is the person of Jesus Christ, and only an encounter with Him can heal the deep wounds of your past.

Most of us have believed so many lies throughout our lives that we do not really know who God is or what He is like. These lies shape who we think we are, and what we think about God. With a wrong view of who God is, and who we are, it is easy to stay stuck in the feelings of hopelessness and feeling helpless.

I want to encourage you to take that first step toward freedom by facing your fears and asking Jesus to touch that wound. You may need to seek someone to help you along the way. Pray and ask God to give you direction for the help you need. God does not want you to live in bondage, but to be free and victorious.

King David was experiencing a great deal of opposition and rejection when, while hiding in a desert cave, he wrote Psalm 142. Start like David did and cry out to the Lord. God cares about you and wants you to be whole, not broken.