This week and gave a speech on healthy marriages at a local business.\u00a0 I was very impressed that the leader of this organization was investing in his employees by offering helpful information on how to be healthy in all parts of their lives.\u00a0 They have heard talks about finances, wills and physical health and I was now addressing relational health.<\/p>\n
If one area of our lives is out of whack it negatively impacts the other parts of our lives even though we think we can compartmentalize each area of our lives.\u00a0 When our marriage is hurting, it impacts our emotional state and increases the amount of stress we feel on a daily basis.\u00a0 That stress impacts our work performance, our parenting skills and our ability to focus and make good decisions.<\/p>\n
Marriage is difficult because this is the closest we get to another human being, which brings out all the ugly stuff inside us.\u00a0 We all bring our picture of marriage to the table.\u00a0 What we have learned about marriage from our parents, television, movies and friends.\u00a0 Most of it is not accurate and sets us up for disappointment and failure.\u00a0 These are the 5 steps I shared with that group that I believe are vital to having a healthy marriage.<\/p>\n
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- Words of Affirmation<\/strong><\/em> – The way in which we speak to each other either builds up or destroys.\u00a0 If this is a primary love language words hurt or help even more.<\/li>\n
- Acts Of Service<\/strong><\/em> – Actively serving the other person by noticing things that need to be done and doing them before being asked.<\/li>\n
- Receiving Gifts<\/strong><\/em> – If this is a primary love language receiving a gift like flowers or even a small token make the person feel like they are valuable and special.<\/li>\n
- Quality Time<\/strong><\/em> – Planning time together and where we can focus on just on another.\u00a0 This communicates to the other person that they are the most important person on the schedule.<\/li>\n
- Physical Touch<\/strong><\/em> – Hugs, kisses, holding hands, a touch on the shoulder and sex are some of the ways to speak love to a person with this love language.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/blockquote>\n
The way to identify which ones are most important to you is to ask yourself which ones can I do without and which ones can’t I do without.\u00a0 If you have not been speaking your spouses love language for a while it will be difficult in the beginning because it will feel somewhat fake.\u00a0 However the more you do it the better you will become and the more likely your spouse will reciprocate.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
2.\u00a0 Understand & Stop the Fear Dance<\/strong> – The fear dance is the cycle we go through when we have conflict.\u00a0 I get hurt, I want things to be different or change, I feel my emotions like anger, frustration coming up (Core Fear is touched), I respond usually in an unhealthy way and the same cycle happens with my spouse.\u00a0 We all have core fears like fear of failure, fear of being inadequate, incompetent, unheard, abandon etc.\u00a0 When we can understand which core fears we have we can better stop the fear dance and resolve conflict in a healthy way.\u00a0 To learn more about the fear dance read the book “The DNA Of Relationships”<\/a> by Gary Smalley<\/a>.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
3.\u00a0 Understand & Nurture the 3 kinds of Intimacy<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
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- Emotional Intimacy<\/strong><\/em> – This is friendship, we should be best friends with our spouse.\u00a0 Doing fun things together, sharing what is going on in our lives, being completely open and honest with each other.<\/li>\n
- Spiritual Intimacy<\/strong><\/em> – This is connecting on a spiritual level by being in agreement on our beliefs and then doing things together that reinforce those beliefs like going to church together, praying together, reading together, talking about spiritual things together and with others that are like minded.<\/li>\n
- Physical Intimacy<\/strong><\/em> – This is when we share our bodies with each other and submit to each other physically.\u00a0 Knowing how to please the other person.\u00a0 This is usually where we start in a relationship, but the other two need to come first for this to be healthy.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/blockquote>\n
4.\u00a0 Understand & Change the Way We Communicate<\/strong> – Communication is vital to a healthy marriage, but communication is not just talking.\u00a0 Here are a few communication ideas to help improve communication.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
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- Really Listen<\/strong><\/em> – Most of us don’t really listen.\u00a0 We make attempts at it, but don’t consistently listen well.\u00a0 Listening is the most important part of communication, because when we listen well we can avoid misunderstandings and we let the other person know that they are valuable and important to us.\u00a0 By simply listening, we can improve the health of our marriage instantly.<\/li>\n
- Speaker\/Listener technique<\/strong><\/em> –\u00a0 This is a simple way to communicate through conflict.\u00a0 When someone has an issue they want to talk about they have the floor or the microphone.\u00a0 Using a pen as the microphone the person explains what the issue is.\u00a0 The other person can only ask clarifying questions and repeat back what the other person said.\u00a0 When the person with the floor feels heard they turn over the microphone and the other person can share their side.<\/li>\n
- Be interested, not Interesting<\/strong><\/em> – This means that instead of sharing everything about yourself and your day and what you accomplished, you are more interested in what your spouse did and how their day went.\u00a0 By asking some simple questions and then shutting up and listening you communicate that your spouse is important.<\/li>\n
- Know Your Filter<\/strong><\/em> – Men see and hear things much differently than women.\u00a0 Therefore we always need to make sure that we don’t assume this is what the other person meant.\u00a0 We also have all had different experiences and circumstances in our lives that cause us to filter things in different ways.\u00a0 Again, don’t jump to conclusions without asking questions like help me to understand what just happened.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/blockquote>\n
5.\u00a0 Understand & Practice Forgiveness<\/strong> – No relationship will last very long without practicing forgiveness.\u00a0 Being quick to admit when we are wrong and humbling ourselves will build a healthy marriage.\u00a0 Forgiveness is not forgetting, but it is the first step toward forgetting.\u00a0 When we are healed we tend to forget the previous hurts and don’t keep bringing them back up.\u00a0 Forgiveness does not mean we don’t have boundaries either.\u00a0 Sometimes we need boundaries until the other person can show a change in behavior, even though we have forgiven them.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
These are some things that have helped my marriage over the last 22 years.\u00a0 Practice them and I am sure things will begin to improve and become more healthy.\u00a0 Sometimes we need some help getting started and that is when counseling or mentoring can help.\u00a0 Meeting with a mentor couple or a counselor or both can help you get on track and start reconciliation.\u00a0 We offer marriage mentoring at NewPointe Community Church<\/a> for couples that want to restore and rebuild their marriage.\u00a0 For more information you can check out this website – Marriage 911<\/a>.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This week and gave a speech on healthy marriages at a local business.\u00a0 I was very impressed that the leader of this organization was investing in his employees by offering helpful information on how to be healthy in all parts of their lives.\u00a0 They have heard talks about finances, wills and physical health and I … <\/p>\n