{"id":962,"date":"2012-05-09T19:28:36","date_gmt":"2012-05-09T19:28:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/chadstutzman.net\/?p=962"},"modified":"2012-05-09T19:28:36","modified_gmt":"2012-05-09T19:28:36","slug":"the-most-destructive-force-in-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chadstutzman.com\/?p=962","title":{"rendered":"The Most Destructive Force in Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Anger is a powerful emotion that left unchecked can destroy all your relationships.\u00a0 It can come on like a flood and wash away any happiness you may have.\u00a0 Anger leads to unhealthy conflict, it drives other people away and it eats you up inside.\u00a0 It’s no surprise that anger can be so destructive, because most people have felt the pain associated with anger.\u00a0 Either on the receiving end or giving it to people we love.<\/p>\n

According to Dr. Gary Smalley, anger is not a primary emotion.\u00a0 It’s a secondary emotion caused by unresolved hurt, frustration, fear, or a combination of these.\u00a0 When these things stay inside a person the result is anger.\u00a0 It gets expressed in a variety of ways.\u00a0 Sometimes there is an explosion of words or even physical violence.\u00a0 Sometimes it’s the silent treatment and you shut people out.\u00a0 To deal with anger, you need to get to the root causes.\u00a0 Dr. Smalley suggests the single root cause is unfulfilled expectations.\u00a0 When our expectations are blocked or not met it causes hurt, frustration, fear and then anger.<\/p>\n

Pent up anger can lead to emotional damage and even physical sickness.\u00a0 That is why it is so important to deal with it instead of ignoring it.\u00a0 It won’t go away until the root issues are taken care of.\u00a0 Dr. Smalley reveals seven steps that you can follow to empty stored up anger:<\/p>\n

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  1. Define the offense in writing – <\/strong>Write down the persons name and what they did and what it took away from you.\u00a0 Write down the feelings you had when it happened.\u00a0 Getting it out on paper helps you to see it and to feel it again.\u00a0 Bringing those emotions to the surface allows healing to begin.<\/li>\n
  2. Allow yourself to grieve the loss – <\/strong>If you don’t properly grieve the losses in your life, anger is a natural byproduct.\u00a0 The five stages of grief are: Denial, “This can’t be happening to me” – Anger, “Why me?” – Bargaining – Depression – Acceptance.<\/li>\n
  3. Try to gain a better understanding of the offender – <\/strong>Did they even know they hurt you? Do they treat everyone that way?\u00a0 Are they just immature and selfish?\u00a0 When asking these questions it helps you deal with old hurts.\u00a0 It helps you have a new perspective on what actually happened and why the other person may have done what they did.\u00a0 It may just confirm what you already knew as well.<\/li>\n
  4. Treasure Hunt the offense – <\/strong>In other words look for the good that has come out of the situation.\u00a0 Maybe it has helped you to be more compassionate to others or motivated you to treat others differently.\u00a0 When we experience conflict, adversity, frustrations, or offenses they can create hidden treasures.<\/li>\n
  5. Write a letter (but don’t mail it) – <\/strong>Let it all out in this letter, this is a powerful way to pour out the anger without hurting anyone.\u00a0 Writing in a journal is also a great way to deal with hurts, frustrations, fears and hangups.\u00a0 When you’re finished destroy the letter, I like burning it.<\/li>\n
  6. Release the other person from the hurts they have inflicted and from future expectations – <\/strong>The Hebrew word forgiveness means “to release”.\u00a0 To truly forgive someone, you must release them from their responsibility for the hurt they have caused you.\u00a0 Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling.\u00a0 This releasing of the other person is also a way to release the anger in your life.<\/li>\n
  7. Reach out – <\/strong>If it is possible reach out to the offender with kindness.\u00a0 Only do this if there is no threat of physical danger.\u00a0 This act of reaching out will take great courage, but could be the beginning of a new healthy relationship or simply a washing away of the offense for good.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Don’t let anger take over your insides.\u00a0 Start to drill down as to why anger keeps popping up in your life.\u00a0 Go get some help to navigate through the hurts, frustrations and fears from your past.\u00a0 Look for the good and make the necessary changes in your life, so that anger does not control you.\u00a0 This is not a once and done kind of exercise, this is a lifelong battle, because life is filled with hurts, frustrations, fear and unmet expectations.\u00a0 If you want to be healthy on the inside, work hard at forgiveness and having unrealistic expectations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      Anger is a powerful emotion that left unchecked can destroy all your relationships.\u00a0 It can come on like a flood and wash away any happiness you may have.\u00a0 Anger leads to unhealthy conflict, it drives other people away and it eats you up inside.\u00a0 It’s no surprise that anger can be so destructive, because … <\/p>\n

    Continue reading “The Most Destructive Force in Relationships”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-962","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chadstutzman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/962","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chadstutzman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chadstutzman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chadstutzman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chadstutzman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=962"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/chadstutzman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/962\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chadstutzman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=962"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chadstutzman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=962"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chadstutzman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=962"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}