Anger is a powerful emotion that left unchecked can destroy all your relationships.  It can come on like a flood and wash away any happiness you may have.  Anger leads to unhealthy conflict, it drives other people away and it eats you up inside.  It’s no surprise that anger can be so destructive, because most people have felt the pain associated with anger.  Either on the receiving end or giving it to people we love.

According to Dr. Gary Smalley, anger is not a primary emotion.  It’s a secondary emotion caused by unresolved hurt, frustration, fear, or a combination of these.  When these things stay inside a person the result is anger.  It gets expressed in a variety of ways.  Sometimes there is an explosion of words or even physical violence.  Sometimes it’s the silent treatment and you shut people out.  To deal with anger, you need to get to the root causes.  Dr. Smalley suggests the single root cause is unfulfilled expectations.  When our expectations are blocked or not met it causes hurt, frustration, fear and then anger.

Pent up anger can lead to emotional damage and even physical sickness.  That is why it is so important to deal with it instead of ignoring it.  It won’t go away until the root issues are taken care of.  Dr. Smalley reveals seven steps that you can follow to empty stored up anger:

1. Define the offense in writing – Write down the persons name and what they did and what it took away from you.  Write down the feelings you had when it happened.  Getting it out on paper helps you to see it and to feel it again.  Bringing those emotions to the surface allows healing to begin.
2. Allow yourself to grieve the loss – If you don’t properly grieve the losses in your life, anger is a natural byproduct.  The five stages of grief are: Denial, “This can’t be happening to me” – Anger, “Why me?” – Bargaining – Depression – Acceptance.
3. Try to gain a better understanding of the offender – Did they even know they hurt you? Do they treat everyone that way?  Are they just immature and selfish?  When asking these questions it helps you deal with old hurts.  It helps you have a new perspective on what actually happened and why the other person may have done what they did.  It may just confirm what you already knew as well.
4. Treasure Hunt the offense – In other words look for the good that has come out of the situation.  Maybe it has helped you to be more compassionate to others or motivated you to treat others differently.  When we experience conflict, adversity, frustrations, or offenses they can create hidden treasures.
5. Write a letter (but don’t mail it) – Let it all out in this letter, this is a powerful way to pour out the anger without hurting anyone.  Writing in a journal is also a great way to deal with hurts, frustrations, fears and hangups.  When you’re finished destroy the letter, I like burning it.
6. Release the other person from the hurts they have inflicted and from future expectations – The Hebrew word forgiveness means “to release”.  To truly forgive someone, you must release them from their responsibility for the hurt they have caused you.  Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling.  This releasing of the other person is also a way to release the anger in your life.
7. Reach out – If it is possible reach out to the offender with kindness.  Only do this if there is no threat of physical danger.  This act of reaching out will take great courage, but could be the beginning of a new healthy relationship or simply a washing away of the offense for good.

Don’t let anger take over your insides.  Start to drill down as to why anger keeps popping up in your life.  Go get some help to navigate through the hurts, frustrations and fears from your past.  Look for the good and make the necessary changes in your life, so that anger does not control you.  This is not a once and done kind of exercise, this is a lifelong battle, because life is filled with hurts, frustrations, fear and unmet expectations.  If you want to be healthy on the inside, work hard at forgiveness and having unrealistic expectations.

Do you ever have times when it seems like your prayers are not working?  Like God is not listening? These dry times can make us feel alone and desperate.  When we pray we look for answers and solutions to whatever is facing us. We also look for a feeling of peace and comfort, and when we don’t get that we can get frustrated. I was having a conversation with some people today about how I have learned to be more compassionate by listening and not always trying to fix people and their situations.

God is like that; He is not a fixer, He is a lover. I think many times God is listening to us and encouraging us, but he is not about to fix us or the issues we have.  If He would do that every time we pray, we would never go through the growing pains we all need.  The process of learning, growing and changing is difficult and it is often in those most trying times that we grow the most.  It’s often when we are at our lowest that God can do the most inside of us.  I believe God is always nudging us to grow in our character and because of that He will allow us to go through some really difficult things.

God is always listening, concerned and compassionate.  He is not going to give us three steps to overcome our issue.  Instead He wants us to look to the Bible, other Christians and other resources to search for answers and ideas.  That is part of the process and God will sit silently until we go through that process.  So don’t give up, keep praying, keep searching and keep growing.  Each time we seek the Lord with all our heart we grow.  God loves us too much to fix us, He sent His son Jesus to die for us so we wouldn’t have to be perfect. Sometimes it is best just to enjoy His love and lean into Him even when we don’t feel the peace or comfort. Sometimes we need to vent to God knowing He is listening and can take it.

By not fixing our situation God allows us to learn from our mistakes and to deepen our faith.  He will often give us little things along the journey to let us know He is with us and for us.  When He gives us those little Only God moments we get that feeling of peace and comfort.  So keep growing in your relationship with Jesus Christ, it’s the most important thing you will ever do.

Relationships are so important and yet they are also so challenging.  When you think about it relationships are what matter most in life because that is what people will remember.  I have been doing a lot of funerals lately and am always reminded that none of know how long we have or how old we really are.  That is why it is so important to make sure that we are working on the relationships in our lives.  Checking our priorities to make sure we are actually putting things like family, spouse, children, friends and God at the top of the list.  The real test is what we actually do, not what we say.  That is where the real work comes in, putting effort into the important relationships.

Here are several principles that will improve all your relationships if applied:

• Choose your words wisely – There is great power in the tongue it can quickly cut someone down or build someone up.  The way in which you talk to someone reveals a lot about the relationship.  If there is sarcasm, belittling statement, swearing, name calling and no respect it shows a very unhealthy relationship.  Often the way to start turning around a relationship is to change the words you are using.
• Actively Listen – This is different that just hearing what is said.  To work at a relationship you need to actively listen by using good eye contact, and body language such as turning your body toward the person and giving them your full attention.  It is also asking questions to clarify what the other person is saying.  This is a huge key in avoiding misunderstandings which is the biggest cause of arguments.
• Resolve Conflicts – Working through conflict is vital for healthy relationships.  When we have unresolved conflict it builds up under the surface of our relationship and and eventually comes back out, often in an unhealthy way.  Here are a few do’s and don’ts when it come to conflict:

1. Don’t bury the problem or the pain it’s causing you.
2. Don’t use inflammatory remarks, sarcasm, or name-calling. Don’t generalize or exaggerate.
3. Don’t let the conflict broaden to other issues.
4. Never use ultimatums or threats.
5. Don’t use disrespectful body language or demeaning nonverbal communication.
6. Don’t interrupt, don’t raise your voice, don’t walk away or withdraw or hang up the phone in the middle of conflict.
7. Do take time out to regain your composure.
8. Do prepare for the confrontation before you engage in it.
9. Do ask for advice on what you can do to help resolve the problem.
10. Do use many encouraging and positive statements.
11. When possible, reassure the person of your ongoing commitment to them and your desire to strengthen and build the relationship.

• Practice Forgiveness – Proverbs 10:12 says “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions.”  Anytime you get hurt, it is a great opportunity to respond with forgiveness and loving kindness.  There is no act or attribute that is more pleasing to God than when we forgive one another.  For any relationship to last, forgiveness must be ever present.  To combat anger we must forgive.
• Fight against pride and selfishness – Those two things will cause the most damage in our relationships.  To fight pride, practice humility which means thinking more about others than ourselves.  It also means that we realize that we don’t know it all and that we can learn and grow.  To fight selfishness we need to serve others.  When we actively look to serve the people in our lives it shows our love and it also helps us to grow in character.
• Know what the other person’s love language is and speak it often – The five love languages are – Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch and Giving Gifts.

I could keep going, but those are some of the best things we can do to improve any relationship that is important to us.  Keep working at it, it is worth the effort.  A healthy happy relationship will bring great joy and peace into your life.

I recently gave talks to small business owners and a local fire department about leadership.  Leadership is vital in every business, every agency, every department, every school, every home and every church. As I thought about what to talk about I quickly zeroed in on three things that are keys to leading well.

1. Vision determines the direction of the Team –
   • Focusing on the future sets leaders apart!  The capacity to imagine and articulate exciting future possibilities is the defining competence of leader’s.  Leader’s are future oriented while managers are present oriented – You need both, but as a leader you need to be out in front.   If you are not very clear on your vision everyone around you will be even more uncertain.  If you’re a little fuzzy on what the future looks like, your employees, customers, suppliers and everyone else will have no idea what your vision is.
   •   A compelling vision drives an organization and attracts people.  If your vision is not big enough you won’t make much of a difference in your   community.  What do you want people experience when they come into contact with your organization?  How can you simplify your vision so it sticks?   A vision statement is not worth much if it’s only words.  Here is a vision statement I recently read that was pretty good:   Respect, Integrity, communication, and Excellence. – That was Enron’s Mission statement.
   • A clear vision helps to focus a business.  If you are all over the place pursuing everything that comes along, you will burn out your team and employees.  They will be unclear of what the main thing is.   I call this side-ways energy, when you are pursuing good things instead of the best things.  We talk about narrowing the focus where I work so that we don’t get distracted trying to do everything.  When you can focus on being really good at a few things you can make a bigger difference and be way better at it.   So what do you need to eliminate or stop doing that does not fit with your vision?

   2.  Lead Yourself First –

   I heard Bill Hybels the leader of one of the largest churches in America say that a leader should spend 50% of his time leading himself.  That seems like a lot, but when you think about it, it makes sense.   If you don’t lead yourself well, you will not lead others well.   So here are some things we can all do to work on ourselves:

   • Know what your strengths are and what your weaknesses are.  Work in your area of strength as much as possible and surround yourself with people to do what you are not good at.
   • Develop a Life Plan – Identify the 5-8 most important areas of your life and then develop some goals for each of those areas.  Do this for your personal life first and then do it for your work.
   • Read Books – Leaders are readers.  I try to read at least one book a month.
   • Meet with People – Find mentors, people that you can meet with and learn from.  Find people that are great leaders and talk to them, learn from them.
   • Hire a Coach – Executive coach, Life Coach.  They challenge you, hold you accountable, push you.
   • Form a group – Peer groups, Book study Group, Accountability group.
   • Go to conferences or seminars – be strategic.  Catalyst Conference.
   • Emotional Health, Physical Health, Spiritual Health
     • Fears, Hang-ups, bad habits.  We all have things we need to deal with and work on.  Sometimes we need to get help
       • A Counselor, a personal trainer, a pastor/mentor.

   3.  Make Developing Others a Priority.

   The last thing I want to share with you tonight is to develop others.   This is one of the things I am most passionate about.  Helping other people grow.  I really believe that the more value you add to the people around you to more successful you will be.   When you can wake up every day and think about how you can serve and develop the people around you, you will be more energized and your business will thrive.   So what do I mean when I say to develop others.  Here are some thoughts on that:

   • It first starts with you being the right kind of example.  As a leader people are watching you.  They are asking themselves are you for real?  Do you do what you say?
   • Meet one-on-one – Meeting face to face and getting to know the person makes a huge difference.  When people know you care about them, they will become a better employee or follower.  You can’t do this with everyone, but you should do it with some.
   • Meet in groups – Form book study groups with your high potentials or your entire team.  I just did this book with my team - QBQ The Question Behind the Question.
   • Take them on field trips with you
   • Send them to seminars and conferences
   • Encourage them to develop a life plan, meet with people, read books etc.
   • Hire a trainer to come work on areas that are important.
   • Listen

Do those three things well and you will excel as a leader no matter where you are leading.

As human beings we have basic needs. Some are physical like food, oxygen, water, sleep.  We also have needs for our inner being or our soul.  This includes the realm of our emotions.  This is what fills our cup and keeps us going.  There are four basic soul needs that all of us crave.  We are all created with these needs and we all search for ways to meet these needs everyday.  Most of the time we look in the wrong places to meet these needs.  So here they are:

1. Acceptance – Knowing you are loved and needed by others.
2. Identity – Knowing you are individually significant and special.
3. Security – Knowing you are well protected and provided for.
4. Purpose – Knowing you have a reason for living.

These basic needs are the driving force behind what motivates us in life.  Just like we crave food and develop an appetite, we crave emotionally to have these needs met on a regular basis.  If we go too long with these basic needs unmet, we become depressed, anxious, fearful, angry, lonely, and numb.  These are needs, so we must have them met or we cannot survive.  The problem is that the way we seek to meet these needs is primarily through other people or things.  When we do that three things usually result:

1. We will be disappointed with the results, no matter how well things go.
2. We will lack the inner resources we need to love others the way we should and confront life successfully.
3. We almost always will be hurt or offended eventually by the one we trust.

When we trust in people and things our inner security is dependent on someone or something we cannot predict or control and that is limited.  Often our ability to give is dependent on what we get from from others.  If I am not getting what I want, then I don’t give what I know I should.  This leads to a life of disappointment and frustration.  When our expectations are that others meet these needs it creates a negative atmosphere of tension in our relationships.  It can even push the people around us away and create a gap in our relationships.  We are constantly disappointed with the people around us, because they can never live up to our expectations of meeting these four basic needs.

The answer is to put our trust in God to meet these basic needs.  When we trust in God our inner strength and security are dependent on God who is faithful and has unlimited resources.  Our ability to give to others flows from God living in us.  When others are not giving to us, we can still love generously and unconditionally which strengthens all our relationships over time.  Our lives are filled with an atmosphere of blessing, satisfaction and optimism because our perspective has changed from other people to God.  Our expectations of others changes, which takes pressure off of them and us.

So, who is meeting your basic needs?  If it is other people, let me encourage you to turn to God and ask Him to meet those needs of acceptance, identity, security and purpose.  As your relationship with God grows those basic needs are met in a deeper and more significant way.  The results are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control.

I am on a trip to Atlanta GA to learn from some other leader’s at some well run high level churches.  I have spent the last couple of days hanging out with different leader’s, listening to their stories and asking them questions.  As a leader it is important to keep growing and getting better at what we do.  Taking the time and energy to go and meet with people on their turf is a great investment for yourself and your team.  Many times you can glean some nuggets of information that can lead to fresh ideas that can lead to improvements in your leadership and the organization you run.

Seeking out mentors is a great way to stretch yourself and get outside of your normal routine.  It forces you to think of questions to ask and to be more observant to your surroundings.

Here are some takeaways so far on this trip:

• We are all struggling with similar issues.  In talking with these leader’s it was clear that they face many of the same problems and challenges that my team and I face.  This includes individually and corporately.  The scale is sometimes different, but the issues are the same.
• Most people are very willing to share what they know and take the time to meet if you ask.  Many times we think that the people we admire from a distance are too busy to spend time with us.  You never know until you ask.  This trip has taught me to be a bit more bold in seeking out people I can learn from.  It also has challenged me to be more generous with others that are seeking my time.
• Leadership is the driving force behind successful organizations.  I can see why the churches I have met with are successful, they have great leader’s.  These men and women are humble and real, yet persistent and courageous.  They are all growing and stretching and trying to figure things out as they go.  They know the vision and are working as a team to make it happen.
• The food in Atlanta is amazing.  Eating is always a highlight on trips like this.  I love to take in local cuisine and have some fun.  Getting away on a trip like this is a great way to relax and allow your creativity to grow.  I pay attention to the service I get at restaurants and try to even learn from them on how to treat customers and give people a good first impression.

I have a couple more days down here and will share some other nuggets later.  So who are you going to seek out this year to learn from and grow in whatever area you are leading?  It could be another mom or dad that you can learn some parenting skills from or someone to help you grow in your marriage.  It may be someone in the same position you have or a position you would like to have.  Maybe it is someone that could help you grow spiritually or emotionally.  Whatever area you want to get better in, seek some people out that you can learn from and then make the call.

What does contentment mean?

“Contentment is realizing that God has already provided everything I need for my present and future happiness.”

In the New Testament, the words content and contentment are translated from arkeo, which means “to be satisfied; to be strong,” and autarkeia, which means “to need no aid or support; sufficiency of the necessities of life.

“Be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” Hebrews 13:5.

Six Thoughts about Contentment:

1. Contentment is contrary to human nature and must be learned.

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstance” Philippians 4:11.
           

2. Contentment begins by knowing the purpose of Life.

“I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death” Philippians 3:10.

3. Contentment requires distinguishing between needs and wants.

“But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that” 1 Timothy 6:8

“So do not worry , saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘ What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:31-33.

4. Contentment is based on a recognition of mutual need.

“Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God” Matthew 4:4

• Discontentment begins by desiring self-sufficiency.

Genesis 3:1-6

• Discontentment leads to covetousness (Greed).

“Then He said to them, ‘Watch out!  Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions”  Luke 12:15.

• Covetousness produces idolatry.

The Tenth Commandment Exodus 20:17

5. Contentment is achieved by exchanging things for more of Christ.

“What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things, I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ” Philippians 3:8.

“He is no fool, who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose.” Jim Elliot

6. Contentment allows us to gain things of greater value.

The Parable of the Sower.  Matthew 13:18-23

v  Contentment is valuing God-given relationships more than earthly possessions.

Matthew 26:6-16

Mary of Bethany & Judas

v  Contentment is realizing that I am indestructible until my work is done.

Book of Nehemiah

Nehemiah

v  Contentment is avoiding the bondage of personal expectations.

Joshua 7

Achan

v  Contentment is rejoicing in the way that God designed me.

Luke 19:1-10

Zacchaeus

Are you the kind of person other people like to be around?  Do people look forward to meeting with you and spending time with you?  Being a likeable person takes effort and intentionality.  Here are four things you can do to become more likeable:

1. Love Life – Celebrate; don’t complain.  Have fun and enjoy the journey.
2. Expect the best of people and treat them well – Think the best about people until they prove you wrong.
3. Give people hope – Everyone is looking for hope, that things can get better.
4. Share yourself – Be vulnerable and real.  Share your heart, wisdom and resources.

That’s a good start, now go out and do it.

I am an avid reader and I try to plan out the books I want to read each year.  I always pick some I end up not reading and add others that were not on my list.  I thought I would share what I am currently reading and the books I plan on reading in 2012.  You can actually go to this link to follow along all year – Good Reads.  I keep my Good Reads list up to date and will often write a review on the books I finish.

Reading is a way to stretch ourselves and to learn and grow.  Reading causes our minds to expand and stretch, which helps us to interact better with other people and handle situations better.  Setting a goal to read a book or read 10 books is a great way to expand your horizons.  Of course we need to be careful about the type of things we are reading, because what we read, feeds our belief systems and affects what we do in our relationships.  I always try to make sure I am balanced in what I read.  I also try to consistently read the Bible in order to make sure I am getting the real truth on a regular basis.  I also read a daily devotional or two.  This year I am doing the Message Devotional called Solo.  I am also using my YouVersion app on my phone to do a daily devotion.

Currently Reading

  The Flinch by Julien Smith

  Practically Radical by William C. Taylor

  Do More Great Work by Michael Bungay Stanier

  Mentoring Leaders by Carson Pue

  Leading at a Higher Level by Ken Blanchard

  Fearless by Max Lucado

  Courageous Leadership by Bill Hybels

On my to read list:

1. Poke the Box by Seth Godin
2. Helping People Win at Work by Ken Blanchard
3. Slave:  The Hidden Truth About Your Identity in Christ by John F. MacArthur Jr.
4. The Presentation Secrets of Steve Jobs by Carmine Gallo
5. Church Diversity by Scott Williams
6. Great by Choice by Jim Collins
7. Clever:  Leading Your Smartest Most Creative People by Rob Goffee
8. Leaders Who Last by Dave Kraft
9. We Are All Weird by Seth Godin
10. EntreLeadership by Dave Ramsey
11. Leading from the Sandbox by T.J. Addington
12. Outstanding:  47 Ways to Make Your Organization Exceptional by John G. Miller

Have you ever asked the question “why is this happening to me?”  Many of us have asked that question when we are going through difficult times in our lives.  We ask God why is this happening?  Why do I need to go through this?  I like to call the tough times in our lives desert experiences.  Both Mathew and Luke record Jesus’ time in the desert at the beginning of His ministry.  Jesus spent 40 days alone, in the desert, abstaining from food, noise and any distractions.  Jesus used this time in the desert to get closer to God.  Often times when we are in a desert in life, we focus so much on our situation that we miss what God has for us.  Maybe the question shouldn’t be why is this happening to me, but what are you trying to teach me or how can I grow as a result of this?

If our perspective is right this is what can happen in our desert experiences:

1. We can recognize that God will sometimes lead us into seasons of growth.
2. We can fight battles and overcome temptation to take shortcuts.
3. We learn discipline and to depend on God.
4. We are broken of self-sufficiency and self-promotion.
5. We find our mission or purpose.
6. We gain a new perspective.
7. We are prepared for the next phase of our vocation, ministry or calling.

God will often use the difficult times in our lives to chip away at the rough edges and develop our character.  The main thing God wants from us is our love and dependence on Him.  When we work through the difficulties and issues of life with our focus on God and not our problems we can emerge from the desert with new life and energy.  Often times God works through people and when we reach out to the right people in times of difficulty we can learn, grow and change.