Refocus Your Relationships

Last night I taught a class called Refocus Your Marriage. Really it could be called Refocus Your Relationships. I thought I would share a few of the opening comments I shared with that group.

Here are three important truths to remember:

You are made for relationships – We are made to need relationships. We all have three primary types of relationships: With others, with ourselves and with God. Each of those areas needs our attention and development.
You are made with the capacity to Choose – God gave each of us the power to choose. Choice equals change. Making a choice is often difficult because it requires change, and that change can be threatening. We choose how we react to everything around us. We choose the thoughts we have and those thoughts lead to emotions and behaviors. So in essence we can control our emotions and behaviors by the way in which we think.
You are made to take responsibility for yourself – The only thing you have control over is yourself. You get to choose how you think, what you think, what you say and what you do. When you start to focus on yourself and how you can grow and change you will begin to make progress in your relationships.

I want to introduce you to the emotion that destroys relationships. This has been going on for thousands of years since the beginning with Adam & Eve. It has been destroying relationships and people very effectively. At the core of every person is a button called fear. That fear takes many shapes, things like fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, you name it.

From where does this fear come from? Let’s take a look at the creation story with fresh eyes Genesis 2:17 – After God created Adam & Eve, he informed them about two special trees blossoming in the middle of the garden: The tree of life and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Regarding the first he gave no commandment. But the second he said “you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die.”

Why did God create a perfect garden and then put these two trees right in the middle? Why not outside the garden? I think it was because he created us to depend on him, not living an autonomous life apart from him. He gave that command to not eat of the tree so that we wouldn’t become self-sustaining and insist on stubborn control of our own lives. He wanted us to daily choose to trust Him for everything we need.

I believe that command created a healthy fear in Adam & Eve, the fear of being separated from God. It also created a fear of losing each other as well. Well along comes Satan, or the Serpent and he plays on this fear. “Did God really say, You must not eat from any tree in the garden?” Eve replies exactly what God told them, we can eat from any tree in the garden except the tree in the middle of the garden, you must not touch it or you will die.

“You will not surely die, serpent said to the woman. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, knowing good and evil. My guess is that Eve thought that her fear of being separated from God was not true and therefore took the fruit. This caused a whole new fear to take root. This fear was unhealthy and destructive. When Adam & Eve heard God walking in the garden they hid, because they were afraid. There fear caused them to respond in a certain way. After eating the fruit their response became unhealthy, defensiveness, blaming others.

Our relationships are much the same way. We all have hurts from our past or guilt from us hurting someone else. Those hurts and guilt drive the fear that drives our unhealthy behaviors. That causes us to struggle to have healthy, happy relationships. To learn more about this idea of fear and relationships read the book by Gary Smalley called “The DNA of Relationships”.

September 7, 2013May 11, 2022

A Word to Husbands

Relationships are hard and messy and most men are not good at developing healthy relationships. Once we get married it is easy to sit back and focus on our work and providing financially or focusing on our own needs. Most guys, myself included are selfish and we are not always thinking about how to love our wives or lead our household.

Peter talks about this in one of his letters that is part of the Bible. Peter talks a lot about submission, respect, blessing and honor. This is not only in marriage relationships but in all relationships. He writes this after having spent a significant amount of time with Jesus. After observing how Jesus treated other people he was able to write about how we should treat our bosses, our political leaders and our spouses.

I want to zero in on his comments to husbands. in 1 Peter 3:7 he is talking to husbands, I like the Message version of the Bible which says “Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground.”

He is calling husbands to live with their wives in an understanding way. We are to honor our wives and model submission and service. We are to initiate blessing, rather than retaliate when things go wrong. Men are called to be spiritual leaders and that means we take responsibility for the health of our relationships. This means we set the tone and we initiate what we want others to do. Don’t wait for her to start treating you with respect before you make an effort to love and respect her.

The way we treat our wives will affect our spiritual health. It starts with us and how we respond to our wives. The words we use, the things that we do, the time that we take, and the way that we listen.

Peter sums this up by saying this “Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless-that’s your job, to bless. you’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing.”

Now I realize that we won’t always get it right and we will mess up. We will do selfish things and say stupid things, but in order to love our wives we must keep pushing forward, trying to understand our wives and treat them as a precious gift. Being humble means asking for and giving forgiveness on a regular basis. The key is to not give up, keep trying to learn how to love your wife better, learn from your mistakes and above all else keep growing closer to God. Only God can help you to love your wife the way you should.

July 25, 2013May 11, 2022

How to Resolve Relational Crisis

I spend a good bit of time with people that are in the midst of personal catastrophes. Most are relational struggles, whether in a marriage, a family or at work. The health of our relationships are an indicator of the health of ourselves.

Whenever I am meeting with someone that is going through a relational struggle, I always try to bring it back to the person I am talking with. There is not much in life that we can control, but when it comes to ourselves, we do have a choice in what we do, think, say and believe.

For someone that has a broken relationship, it always starts with yourself. It is easy to look at those around you and blame their behavior, attitude or hurtful actions for why things are so bad. Yet that will never resolve the issue or change the circumstances. It always starts in your own heart. It starts with your own character. Your character is who you really are. It will reflect how much you accomplish in life and how well you love yourself and others.

Your character is the internal script that you follow in response to conflict, mistreatment, pain and even success. When that script is focused on yourself and preserving or getting what you want, the actions that follow will usually dig the hole even deeper or add fuel to the fire. Part of our character is the defense mechanism’s we have developed over the years in dealing with conflict and pain. It might be sarcasm, humor, withdrawing/silent treatment, yelling/escalating or even going into fix it mode.

Changing that internal script is hard work, yet it is the only way to work through a relational crisis. It starts by taking personal responsibility for what you contributed and how you have reacted. Then it involves the hard work of self-actualization, seeing yourself, your reactions, your character and your beliefs and where you are off course. This is hard work and will take the help of God and other people. It means being humble enough to ask for help and to admit your mistakes. When you get on your knees and ask God to change your heart and character, that is when the rough edges start to get smoothed out. It will take time, perseverance, patience and practice, but you can change.

Working on yourself is one of the most productive things you can do in order to be successful in life. Take the time and energy to get healthy emotionally, to work through the hurts and hang-ups from your past. Take time to grow in your faith and connect more with God and involve him in every area of your life. Take time to build trust with yourself and others and work on relational skills like listening, asking questions, asking for and extending forgiveness.

The best thing you can do for any relationship in your life is to be healthy emotionally, spiritually, relationally and physically. In a relational crisis the way in which you respond will either add fuel to the fire or add water to the fire. How you respond is a reflection of your character. The choice is always yours.

July 4, 2013

Seven Communication Ideas

Communication is one of the most important skills a leader has. The ability to clearly communicate with the people around you is vital to the success of any business, marriage or relationship.

When it comes to any kind of leadership, it’s all about how you handle the relationships around you. Whether you are at home, work, school or out with friends, communication sets the tone. People want to be heard, understood and appreciated. If you can do that we’ll, you will be a great leader, spouse or friend.

Here are a few ideas on how to improve as a communicator. Do these these things consistently and your relationships will improve.

– understand your listeners frame of reference – this is important because everyone has a different filter. They have different experiences, personalities, hurts and hang-ups. So you need to think about how they might view what you are saying, not from your perspective but theirs.

– know the facts and the truth about the topic – focusing on the facts and truth can help take the emotion out of it. It also will help your listener understand the why behind your message.

– shed light on the issue – you need to clearly explain why this issue is important to your listener.

– get their full attention – you must know the best time to have the talk. Only address important issues when you have someone’s full attention. You might need to make a statement or ask a question that will get their attention. Never use negative tactics like sarcasm or yelling or swearing.

– use word pictures or stories – people remember pictures and stories much better than words. Try to use a story to bring clarity to what you are communicating and why you are feeling a certain way.

– focus on the real issues – it takes work to figure out the real issues that are driving someone’s behavior. Asking questions to try to understand the real issue is important, but you must listen without reacting or challenging them as they answer. Patiently ask clarify questions and even repeat back what they said.

– finally, be interactive – what I mean by that is don’t lecture someone, make it more of a conversation. When you listen before you speak, you send the message to the other person that you care about them. If things begin to escalate stop, take a deep breath and ask a clarifying question. If you cant do that, then you need a break until you or the other person are in a better place to talk.

Communication is something we do every day. If we don’t work at it and improve the way we communicate all of our relationships will suffer. If this is an area of struggle find someone to coach you, it will be well worth the effort.

June 27, 2013

Are You Happily Married?

Marriage is a very challenging yet rewarding relationship. I’ve been married now for 24 years and I’m still learning, making mistakes and trying to grow and get better at being a husband. I think a lot of people enter marriage thinking that this relationship will make me happy. That is a dangerous mindset entering marriage. Oh there will be times of great happiness, but there will also be times of sorrow, anger, disappointment and conflict.

All healthy relationships are messy and hard at times. Gary Thomas said this in his book Sacred Marriage, “God intended marriage not to make you happy, but to make you holy”. That is so true if you are a Christian. God uses the relationships in our lives to shape and mold our character. Each of us has a choice in the matter. Do we view marriage as a place to get my needs met, or where I become more like Christ?

Marriage is not primarily about feeling happy everyday. It’s not about getting what you deserve or getting the sex you want. Marriage is a lifelong training ground to knock off the rough edges and reform your selfish nature in order to make you holy. The cool thing is when you become more holy you become more happy.

Marriage is about commitment, giving, serving, forgiving, sacrificing and humbling yourself. That doesn’t sound like a lot of fun, but marriage is also about intimacy. The healthiest marriages have 3 kinds of intimacy: Spiritual, emotional and physical. When all 3 of those areas are healthy and growing there is usually a good bit of happiness as well. However to be healthy and growing in those areas, you must be committed, giving, serving, forgiving and sacrificing.

Knowing how to love your spouse is also a learning experience. Knowing, understanding and applying the 5 love languages that Gary Chapman lays out in his book The Five Love Languages is vital to a long healthy marriage. If you don’t know them, then get the book and read it.

If you want a better marriage it will take some work like reading a book or ten, going to see a counselor and actually being open and honest. It might mean learning new ideas and changing old mind sets about marriage. It might mean learning what your fear buttons are and how that triggers your unhealthy responses. It might means asking for forgiveness or extending forgiveness.

The point is you must work on yourself in order to improve any relationship. The more you focus on yourself and your own issues the better your relationship will get. When you also include God in the process you can transform any marriage or any relationship no matter how damaged it may be.

Love always trusts, always hopes, always remains strong.

December 28, 2012May 11, 2022

5 Practices For A Healthy Marriage

What does a Healthy Marriage Look Like? To be healthy in any area of our lives, it takes work and being intentional. If you want to get healthy physically you need to eat right and exercise. This does not mean perfect but healthy. When one area of our lives is out of whack or unhealthy it affects all the other areas of our lives. When we are struggling financially, it causes stress on our relationships and work. When we are struggling with a relationship with our spouse or children, it causes us to be distracted, unfocused and can even affect our work performance and work relationships. Many times we try to compartmentalize our work, our family, our faith and our person time, but the reality is that they all affect each other either in a positive healthy way or a negative unhealthy way.

Marriage is one of the most difficult relationships we will ever have in our lives. I believe marriage is hard work, because we all struggle with selfishness and unhealthy views of what marriage should or shouldn’t be. Many times we have learned about marriage from our parents, from television or the movies or from other people we see from a distance. Many of the things we have learned are not healthy. The way in which we handle conflict; the way we communicate; the way we approach sex; the way in which we parent; the way in which we handle our finances; the way in which we handle extended family issues; the way in which we do household chores.

What I want to share with you today are some of the best practices I have learned over the 23 years of my own marriage and also what I have learned as a pastor over the last 10 plus years in meeting with couples.

1. Understand & Speak the right Love Language

Fill your spouse’s Love Tank or Bank Account by practicing the right love language
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

2. Recognize & Stop the Fear Dance or Crazy Cycle

The Dance – I hurt, I want things to be different, My core Fear is touched, I react in an unhealthy way, My spouse is hurt, they want things to change, their core fear is tapped, they react in an unhealthy way, you are hurt even more.
The Crazy cycle – I feel disrespected, I react in an unhealthy way, She feels unloved, she reacts in an unhealthy way, we both are hurt.
Identifying your core fear, helps you to stop the crazy cycle
- My story – I was in the Kitchen fixing a salad, my wife say’s “leave everything out for me, so I can fix a salad as well.” When I was finished with my salad I start putting lids on, she says didn’t you listen to me I told you to leave it out (sarcastic), I immediately get defensive and start explaining what I was doing, she says, “well you don’t have to yell at me”, I say, “I am not yelling!” – We just did the fear dance and the crazy cycle. I felt disrespected, she felt unloved, my core fear of being inadequate and a failure were pushed and her core fears of feeling invalidated, ignored & unimportant were touched. That is how quickly we fall into this unhealthy routine and it soon becomes a way of life.

3. Understand & Nurture the three types of intimacy needed in marriage

Emotional intimacy – Friendship
Spiritual intimacy – Deep Connection
Physical intimacy – Need I say more

4. Understand & Improve the way in which you communicate

Really Listening – Eye contact, positive body language, repeat back what you heard, ask questions
Having the Floor – Allow the other person to have the floor and explain their position. You only ask questions and repeat back what you heard. Once the other person is satisfied that you heard them, you get the floor and repeat the process.
Be interested not interesting – Spend 5 minutes within 5 feet of your spouse everyday
Know Your Filter – men & women are very different. Your background, your experiences all are used to filter what you see and hear.
Settle disagreements – don’t allow conflict to go unresolved for long periods of time

5. Understand How Powerful Forgiveness is – Every relationship has to practice forgiveness.

It is not forgetting, but it is the first step toward forgetting
Forgiveness trumps anger – unforgiveness breeds anger and bitterness
Be quick to admit when you are wrong and ask and give forgiveness
Don’t let arguments go unresolved – Are we OK?

These five practices are vital to having a healthy marriage, but it takes work and practice. It also takes humility to admit that you need to make a change and do things differently in order to improve you marriage. Sometimes it takes working with a counselor or mentor in order to make the necessary adjustments and changes. The good news is that your marriage can change and improve and be healthy and all the work is worth it. Remember that you cannot control your spouse and what he or she does, but you can control what you do.

December 27, 2012

7 Distractions That Keep Us From Growing

Most of us would agree that there are areas of our lives that are not where we want them to be. It might be a marriage relationship that has deteriorated or maybe a relationship with a son or daughter or parent that is unhealthy. Maybe we are not where we want to be in our professional lives. For some it could be emotional health, hurts from our past that are causing problems in our present lives. Many of us struggle to be where we want to be spiritually as well. So what holds us back from growing in these important areas of our lives? Why do so many people simple remain the same and maintain the status quo instead of growing and changing?

Here are some of the distractions that keep us from growing:

Busyness – Being consumed in a rat-race to keep up and get things done does not allow us the margin to think deeply and focus on the important things. We keep adding things to our lives without stopping other things, so the list just gets bigger and longer.
Comforts – Most people look for and desire comfort and when they find it they become trapped by it. Getting out of our comfort zone becomes more difficult the longer we stay there.
Too Many Options – Today there are so many opportunities to learn and grow and change that we can sometime be confused by the wide range of options and opportunities. When we have too many options, we often choose nothing. This can also lead us to simply be busy because we choose to do too much.
Insecurity – If we don’t really know who we are, how can we know what we are suited to do or where we should go.
The Past – Issues not dealt with will hold us back, and this is often expressed through fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being misunderstood, fear of being inadequate and hundreds of other fears. These fears pop up every time we experience something that connects us to our past hurts.
Laziness – This is often what keeps us in our comfort zone.
Secret Sin – This dulls our senses and blocks our ability to enjoy healthy emotions and relationships. It keeps us from the vision that God has for our lives and keeps us stuck in darkness and slaves to sin.

One or more of these may be keeping you from growing and making progress in certain areas of your life. In order to move forward it takes a decision to face these things head on by first acknowledging the problem and then developing a plan to make a change.

I love to spend time planning this time of year. It is a great time to evaluate where we are at in all the important areas of our lives. If there is an area we are not happy with, we can begin to focus on how to make a change in that area. It might mean getting help from someone that has been through what you are dealing with or taking a risk to try something new or different. The important thing is to acknowledge that you do not want to remain the same and that you desire to grow. Then start praying and asking God to help make this happen. A year from now will you be the same person you are today or will you be in a new place spiritually, emotionally, physically, relationally and financially?

December 6, 2012

How Healthy Are You?

When we talk about health most of us think about our physical health. That is an important thing and I try to take that seriously by eating healthy and exercising. Emotional and spiritual health is something we don’t think about or talk about as much. I believe that they are even more important than physical health because they contribute to physical health. When we are unhealthy emotionally or spiritually it can actually contribute to physical problems because of the unhealthy beliefs and thinking that contribute to the emotional state we are in. So how do we get a handle on how healthy we are emotionally.

One of the biggest indicators of emotional health is the level of trust a person has. The dysfunction of mistrust hurts relationships, marriages, work environments, churches, families and even entire countries. Mistrust and control often go hand in hand. At its core control comes from not trusting others to make healthy and wise choices. Mistrust is often present when there is not proper clarity and when boundaries are not defined. When their is a lack of communication people begin to mistrust. Here are some things that create a culture of mistrust, either at home or at work:

Approaching people from the beginning with an attitude of mistrust. Many people have a built-in attitude of mistrust. This attitude says, “I will not trust you until you prove that I can trust you.” That is the reverse of what a healthy person would think. This attitude often is the result of being hurt in the past and therefore guarding against that ever happening again.
Believing something to be true when you don’t have all the facts. In other words assuming things that turn out to be false or untrue. This happens when you don’t ask questions and dig for the truth. It also happens when you automatically think the worst instead of believe the best.
Believing what someone says without hearing the other side of the story or knowing all the facts.
Healthy people don’t draw conclusions without doing due diligence.

So how do you build trust? How do you change a culture in a home, church or workplace that has mistrust?

Choose to trust unless you are given a reason not to.
Assume that motives are right even when you disagree.
Be proactive in clarifying issues rather than assuming something to be true.

Finally here are some trust building principles that will help transform your relationships at home and at work.

Choose to Trust – Choose to trust people unless they give you a reason not to. When trust is broken make the effort to let that person know how trust can be re-established.
Be up-front and candid – Tell people what you are thinking and don’t hope they pick up on your hints. Tell people what your expectations are and be clear about what you are thinking and why.
Keep your Promises – Do what you say you will do and be honest when you know you can’t.
Act Consistently – Your life needs to match your words. You need to be consistent in how you treat people, how you express love to people and how you handle conflict.
Listen Carefully – This will transform your relationships because it will help to cut down on misunderstandings. To listen well you need to ask clarifying questions, repeat back what the person said, honestly consider peoples opinions and suggestions and even change your mind if they have a better idea. Seek first to understand and then to be understood.
Caring for People – Be genuine and treat people the way you would want to be treated. Care about them as a whole person not just for how they can help you. No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.
Be Self-Disclosing -Be quick to admit your own weaknesses and when you have made a mistake. Share your story with people in appropriate ways. For people you are close with open up and share the good the bad and the ugly. If you are hiding something, it eventually comes out in your behavior.
Empower people don’t control – Give people the freedom to do what they are responsible to do. Allow them to make mistakes and coach when necessary. In a marriage relationship this means allowing your spouse to have other friends and activities they enjoy. Clarify your desires and vision for your marriage. Speak their love language without expecting them to speak yours. Don’t give in order to get.
Clarify, don’t Assume – Always believe the best instead of assuming the worst. When he is late again, believe that he had a busy day and something unexpected came up instead of assuming he intentionally worked late to make you mad.

Healthy people trust, unhealthy people mistrust. It is the same way spiritually. Healthy people trust God completely and believe He will do what he says He will do. I encourage you to get healthy, take a risk and start trusting more.

August 31, 2012

Asking For Forgiveness

How we ask for forgiveness is critical. I don’t know of any relationship that has lasted very long that has not had to practice forgiveness. This is the key ingredient that makes all the difference. Unhealthy relationships lack true forgiveness. Old problems and conflict are brought up on a regular basis and used to hurt the other person. I will be writing several posts in the coming weeks on this idea of forgiveness.

If I accidentally spill a cup of coffee on you, I have not sinned against you, so I do not need to ask for forgiveness. But I should apologize for what I have done. On the other hand, if I throw a cup of coffee in your face, I have sinned against you. I need to ask you to forgive me.

So, is an apology the same as asking for forgiveness? No. The right way to go about asking for forgiveness is to first name the specific sin, and then explicitly asking the person for forgiveness: “I was wrong for yelling at you and using that language with you. Will you forgive me?” I named the sin and asked for forgiveness. If I would have said, “I am sorry for yelling at you,” and stop there, the typical response from the offended person is, “Oh that’s okay,” or “it’s no big deal.” What has happened there is the offender has not admitted to sinning against the other person. Secondly, the offended person has lied by minimizing the sin. It is not okay for someone to sin against another person. This is not the way to healthy relationships.

So the key is recognizing and admitting when we sin against another person. When you admit your mistake openly and ask for forgiveness for that offense it now puts it into the other persons court to make a decision. Either I choose to forgive that person or not. I may not be ready in that moment to forgive if it was a deep hurt or has been a long term thing. I should consider if the person is trustworthy and sincere. Even if they are not totally sincere or trustworthy, it is still my decision to hold onto the hurt or release it by forgiving the person. Unforgiveness is the root of most anger issues and will destroy your relationships. Choosing to forgive is the beginning of healing and wholeness.

Next time I will talk about why we don’t forgive.

April 11, 2012May 11, 2022

Relationships Matter – 6 Principles

Relationships are so important and yet they are also so challenging. When you think about it relationships are what matter most in life because that is what people will remember. I have been doing a lot of funerals lately and am always reminded that none of know how long we have or how old we really are. That is why it is so important to make sure that we are working on the relationships in our lives. Checking our priorities to make sure we are actually putting things like family, spouse, children, friends and God at the top of the list. The real test is what we actually do, not what we say. That is where the real work comes in, putting effort into the important relationships.

Here are several principles that will improve all your relationships if applied:

Choose your words wisely – There is great power in the tongue it can quickly cut someone down or build someone up. The way in which you talk to someone reveals a lot about the relationship. If there is sarcasm, belittling statement, swearing, name calling and no respect it shows a very unhealthy relationship. Often the way to start turning around a relationship is to change the words you are using.
Actively Listen – This is different that just hearing what is said. To work at a relationship you need to actively listen by using good eye contact, and body language such as turning your body toward the person and giving them your full attention. It is also asking questions to clarify what the other person is saying. This is a huge key in avoiding misunderstandings which is the biggest cause of arguments.
Resolve Conflicts – Working through conflict is vital for healthy relationships. When we have unresolved conflict it builds up under the surface of our relationship and and eventually comes back out, often in an unhealthy way. Here are a few do’s and don’ts when it come to conflict:

Don’t bury the problem or the pain it’s causing you.

Don’t use inflammatory remarks, sarcasm, or name-calling. Don’t generalize or exaggerate.

Don’t let the conflict broaden to other issues.

Never use ultimatums or threats.

Don’t use disrespectful body language or demeaning nonverbal communication.

Don’t interrupt, don’t raise your voice, don’t walk away or withdraw or hang up the phone in the middle of conflict.

Do take time out to regain your composure.

Do prepare for the confrontation before you engage in it.

Do ask for advice on what you can do to help resolve the problem.

Do use many encouraging and positive statements.

When possible, reassure the person of your ongoing commitment to them and your desire to strengthen and build the relationship.

Practice Forgiveness – Proverbs 10:12 says “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions.” Anytime you get hurt, it is a great opportunity to respond with forgiveness and loving kindness. There is no act or attribute that is more pleasing to God than when we forgive one another. For any relationship to last, forgiveness must be ever present. To combat anger we must forgive.
Fight against pride and selfishness – Those two things will cause the most damage in our relationships. To fight pride, practice humility which means thinking more about others than ourselves. It also means that we realize that we don’t know it all and that we can learn and grow. To fight selfishness we need to serve others. When we actively look to serve the people in our lives it shows our love and it also helps us to grow in character.
Know what the other person’s love language is and speak it often – The five love languages are – Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch and Giving Gifts.

I could keep going, but those are some of the best things we can do to improve any relationship that is important to us. Keep working at it, it is worth the effort. A healthy happy relationship will bring great joy and peace into your life.