Relationships Are Messy!

Relationships are messy. Think about all your close relationships – no matter who it’s with – it’s messy. Ask yourself these simple questions about your closest relationship:

  • Have you ever felt misunderstood?
  • Have you ever been hurt by what they said?
  • Have you ever felt like you haven’t been heard?
  • Have you ever disagreed on a decision?
  • Have you ever been let down?
  • Have you ever doubted the other person’s love?
  • Has the other person ever doubted your commitment?
  • Have you ever struggled to resolve conflict?
  • Have you ever felt used?
  • Have you ever thought, If I had only known!

These questions confirm that our most valued relationships are often very messy and difficult. In the book of James it says “Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desires that war within you.” When it comes to relationships, we are our own worst enemy. No wonder the Bible includes so many commands and exhortations to be patient, kind, forgiving, compassionate, gentle and humble. The Bible assumes that our relationships on this side of eternity will be messy and require a lot of work.

The most healthy relationships are the ones that are other-focused instead of self-focused. Our sinful nature though causes us to act in different ways. Here are 6 basic ways we destroy relationships:

  1. Self-Centeredness – What is best for me
  2. Self-Rule – I am in control
  3. Self-Sufficiency – I can handle this on my own
  4. Self-Righteous – Your sin is the problem
  5. Self-Satisfaction – I want just want to be happy
  6. Self-Taught – I don’t need anyone telling me what to do

None of this will improve apart from a growing, intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. When our attention turns to God and knowing Him more intimately that is when relationship can begin to improve. We need to plug into God for the ability to love, forgive, be patient, be humble etc.

I believe God has a bigger agenda for our relationships than we do. Our personal agenda is to be happy, or in control, while God’s agenda is for us to become more like Jesus Christ. When we work at our relationships, it puts us in position to be changed by God.

All of us have tried to be the Holy Spirit in another person’s life, trying to work spiritual changes that only God can accomplish. When we step back and look at ourselves and how we can become more like Christ our relationships will benefit. We all struggle or have struggled in a relationship, we wish it would magically get easy, but it does not.

Only God can change a heart. He is present in our struggles and He is fighting on our behalf. James goes on to say in chapter 4 “You want things, but you do not have them. So you are ready to kill and are jealous of other people, but you still cannot get what you want. So you argue and fight. You do not get what you want, because you do not ask God. Or when you ask, you do not receive because the reason you ask is wrong. You want things so you can use them for your own pleasures.”

Maybe a change in perspective can change our relationships. God wants to help us, but often times we are so focused on our own agenda we miss His agenda. Start looking for what God’s agenda might be in the midst of your current struggle. Messy relationships are hard, but they help us become better and healthier if we include God.

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