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Do you ever have times when it seems like your prayers are not working?  Like God is not listening? These dry times can make us feel alone and desperate.  When we pray we look for answers and solutions to whatever is facing us. We also look for a feeling of peace and comfort, and when we don’t get that we can get frustrated. I was having a conversation with some people today about how I have learned to be more compassionate by listening and not always trying to fix people and their situations.

God is like that; He is not a fixer, He is a lover. I think many times God is listening to us and encouraging us, but he is not about to fix us or the issues we have.  If He would do that every time we pray, we would never go through the growing pains we all need.  The process of learning, growing and changing is difficult and it is often in those most trying times that we grow the most.  It’s often when we are at our lowest that God can do the most inside of us.  I believe God is always nudging us to grow in our character and because of that He will allow us to go through some really difficult things.

God is always listening, concerned and compassionate.  He is not going to give us three steps to overcome our issue.  Instead He wants us to look to the Bible, other Christians and other resources to search for answers and ideas.  That is part of the process and God will sit silently until we go through that process.  So don’t give up, keep praying, keep searching and keep growing.  Each time we seek the Lord with all our heart we grow.  God loves us too much to fix us, He sent His son Jesus to die for us so we wouldn’t have to be perfect. Sometimes it is best just to enjoy His love and lean into Him even when we don’t feel the peace or comfort. Sometimes we need to vent to God knowing He is listening and can take it.

By not fixing our situation God allows us to learn from our mistakes and to deepen our faith.  He will often give us little things along the journey to let us know He is with us and for us.  When He gives us those little Only God moments we get that feeling of peace and comfort.  So keep growing in your relationship with Jesus Christ, it’s the most important thing you will ever do.

 

I recently gave talks to small business owners and a local fire department about leadership.  Leadership is vital in every business, every agency, every department, every school, every home and every church. As I thought about what to talk about I quickly zeroed in on three things that are keys to leading well.

1. Vision determines the direction of the Team –
   • Focusing on the future sets leaders apart!  The capacity to imagine and articulate exciting future possibilities is the defining competence of leader’s.  Leader’s are future oriented while managers are present oriented – You need both, but as a leader you need to be out in front.   If you are not very clear on your vision everyone around you will be even more uncertain.  If you’re a little fuzzy on what the future looks like, your employees, customers, suppliers and everyone else will have no idea what your vision is.
   •   A compelling vision drives an organization and attracts people.  If your vision is not big enough you won’t make much of a difference in your   community.  What do you want people experience when they come into contact with your organization?  How can you simplify your vision so it sticks?   A vision statement is not worth much if it’s only words.  Here is a vision statement I recently read that was pretty good:   Respect, Integrity, communication, and Excellence. – That was Enron’s Mission statement.
   • A clear vision helps to focus a business.  If you are all over the place pursuing everything that comes along, you will burn out your team and employees.  They will be unclear of what the main thing is.   I call this side-ways energy, when you are pursuing good things instead of the best things.  We talk about narrowing the focus where I work so that we don’t get distracted trying to do everything.  When you can focus on being really good at a few things you can make a bigger difference and be way better at it.   So what do you need to eliminate or stop doing that does not fit with your vision?

   2.  Lead Yourself First –

   I heard Bill Hybels the leader of one of the largest churches in America say that a leader should spend 50% of his time leading himself.  That seems like a lot, but when you think about it, it makes sense.   If you don’t lead yourself well, you will not lead others well.   So here are some things we can all do to work on ourselves:

   • Know what your strengths are and what your weaknesses are.  Work in your area of strength as much as possible and surround yourself with people to do what you are not good at.
   • Develop a Life Plan – Identify the 5-8 most important areas of your life and then develop some goals for each of those areas.  Do this for your personal life first and then do it for your work.
   • Read Books – Leaders are readers.  I try to read at least one book a month.
   • Meet with People – Find mentors, people that you can meet with and learn from.  Find people that are great leaders and talk to them, learn from them.
   • Hire a Coach – Executive coach, Life Coach.  They challenge you, hold you accountable, push you.
   • Form a group – Peer groups, Book study Group, Accountability group.
   • Go to conferences or seminars – be strategic.  Catalyst Conference.
   • Emotional Health, Physical Health, Spiritual Health
     • Fears, Hang-ups, bad habits.  We all have things we need to deal with and work on.  Sometimes we need to get help
       • A Counselor, a personal trainer, a pastor/mentor.

   3.  Make Developing Others a Priority.

   The last thing I want to share with you tonight is to develop others.   This is one of the things I am most passionate about.  Helping other people grow.  I really believe that the more value you add to the people around you to more successful you will be.   When you can wake up every day and think about how you can serve and develop the people around you, you will be more energized and your business will thrive.   So what do I mean when I say to develop others.  Here are some thoughts on that:

   • It first starts with you being the right kind of example.  As a leader people are watching you.  They are asking themselves are you for real?  Do you do what you say?
   • Meet one-on-one – Meeting face to face and getting to know the person makes a huge difference.  When people know you care about them, they will become a better employee or follower.  You can’t do this with everyone, but you should do it with some.
   • Meet in groups – Form book study groups with your high potentials or your entire team.  I just did this book with my team – QBQ The Question Behind the Question.
   • Take them on field trips with you
   • Send them to seminars and conferences
   • Encourage them to develop a life plan, meet with people, read books etc.
   • Hire a trainer to come work on areas that are important.
   • Listen

Do those three things well and you will excel as a leader no matter where you are leading.

 

This past weekend we had a conference called Canvas for our volunteers at the Campus I am leading at NewPointe Community Church.  Our team put together a great conference that included interviews with three local restaurant manager’s.  We had the manager from Starbucks talk about building culture and how to leave a lasting impression.  She also talked about how they treat their employees or partners and how they emphasize relationships company wide.  The manager from Chipotle talked about teamwork and the importance of preparation and excellence.  The final interview was with the owner/manager of Chick-fil-a and he talked about how to engage people and provide superior customer experience.  After each speaker we had our volunteers meet with their teams and brainstorm ideas on how we can work on the things we just heard. Each team got a canvas to write down ideas.  It was an amazing day and we are hoping to do it again at other campuses.  This was a day of casting vision on how we can improve and get better at connecting with and reaching the people that come to NewPointe.

I did the opening welcome and shared part of my story about how I stopped going to church in the mid 90’s because I was frustrated with the leadership of my church and was not growing spiritually.  We simply stopped going to church for about a year.  That experience of leaving church and then God working through a variety of people to get my wife and I back into church has helped me to identify with people that are going through similar struggles today.  I understand that people need time to get reconnected and re-engaged in the church.  They need time to determine if this church is any different or just the same old church in a new color.  I understand that many people have given up on the church but not on God.

As I shared that story I also shared why I love NewPointe, and why I believe NewPointe is a different kind of church.

I love that NewPointe Community Church:

• Is a safe place to hear a life changing message
• Is willing to talk about the important and difficult issues of life like sex, money, marriage, parenting
• Helps me apply the Bible to my everyday life
• Is outward focused rather than inward focused – meaning we are more concerned with reaching people than keeping people
• Is willing to take risks
• Embraces change
• Pursues Excellence, but not perfection
• Values being healthy emotionally
• Is big on relationships
• Is a place that I can serve
• Wants to partner with parents to impact children for eternity
• Equips people to become better leader’s
• Is a creative fun place
• Is willing to take anyone, no matter what your background, family history or how you look
• Mentors individuals and couples that are struggling with life
• Empowers people to lead and serve
• Keeps things simple
• Has a vision to Change the World!

This conference was a great place to express to our volunteers how important they are because every person that walks through our doors has a story and we get to contribute to the story God is writing in their lives. As a church we can also learn from other organizations on how to serve the people around us and to build a team to make a difference in our community and around the world.

 

I have been teaching a class on Resolving Conflict based on the book The Peacemaker by Ken Sande.  The material is wonderful and the class has been very good.  As I have been reading and studying conflict, there are some insights that I have found very helpful.  I will share a few here, hoping this will help people understand why they have conflict in their lives.

In James 4:1-3 it says:

What causes fights and quarrels among you?  Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You want something but don’t get it.  You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want.  You quarrel and fight.  You do not have, because you do not ask God.  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

What an amazing portion of Scripture, as we look into the root of why we have conflict in our lives.  Jesus talked about this in Matthew 15:19:  “Out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”    Ken Sande says “These passages describe the root cause of conflict:  “unmet desires in our hearts.“  I would add to that the emotion of fear, as we fear our desires will not be met or we fear a certain outcome.

Some desires we have are unhealthy, like revenge, lust, greed, jealously.  Some of the desires we have can be good, like a happy marriage, a loving spouse, respectful children, a raise a work, a promotion, for people to respect you, a new iPad or a growing church.  The problem is when someone or something blocks us from having these desires, conflict happens.  Sande shares that there are basically two options at this point; God’s way or our way.

God’s way:

• Trust God and seek your fulfillment in Him – “Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you.”  Psalm 73:25.  When we see ourselves as God sees us and completely trust Him for all things, He will give us what we need to overcome anything that comes our way.
  
• Ask God to help you continue to grow and mature no matter what the other person does – “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  James 1:2-4
• Continue to love the other person who is blocking your desire, pray for God’s sanctifying work in his or her life, and wait for the Lord to open the door for progress at a later time – “We love because he first loved us.  If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar.  For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.  And he has given us this command:  Whoever loves God must love his brother.”  1John 4:19-21
• By choosing God’s way, He promises to bless you and, no matter what the other person does, to use your difficult situation to conform you to the likeness of Christ – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.”  Romans 8:28-29

Our Way:

• We demand – When we see something as being essential to our fulfillment and well-being, it moves from being a desire to a demand.
• We judge – When a person demands something of another and that person does not listen, we can quickly judge them.  We judge others by criticizing, nit-picking, nagging, attacking and condemning.  This can also quickly lead to feeling superior, condemning, bitter or resentful.
• We Punish – Whether deliberately or unconsciously, we will find ways to hurt or punish people so that they will give in to our desires.  It may be through hurtful words, using guilt or shame, stomping and slamming, ignoring, withholding love or respect or even physical abuse.  Inflicting pain on others is one of the surest signs that an unhealthy desire is ruling our hearts.

So here are a few questions to ponder:

• How am I punishing others?
• How am I judging others?
• What am I demanding to have?
• What is the root desire of that demand?
• What am I preoccupied with?  The first thing on my mind in the morning.
• How would I fill in this blank?:  “If only _______, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure.”
• Where do I put my trust?
• What or Who do I fear?
• When a certain desire is not met, do I feel frustration, anxiety, resentment, bitterness, anger, or depression?
• How can you cultivate a more passionate love for and worship of God?

Take some time to answer these questions honestly.  Ask God to reveal areas where you have gone your way instead of His way.

 

In Luke Chapter 12 Jesus is found with a huge crowd of people gathered around him.  Jesus took advantage of this by providing good instruction for His disciples on issues such as integrity, anxiety, convictions, problem solving, greed, jealousy, priorities and trusting God.  He talked about these type of topics because Jesus knew that the people in the crowd needed to understand how to deal with these topics in order to live successful lives.  Here is a summary of the things Jesus shared that can help us live life successfully:

• Decisions – The degree of success we experience in life is based on the quality of our decisions.  Jesus talked about knowing the truth and being able to recognize lies that can lead us to making bad decisions.  We not only need to know the truth, but we need to accept it and apply it to our lives.  The only way to do that is by growing in our relationship with Christ.  We do that through reading the Bible, listening to Bible based messages and reading books based on Biblical principles.  We also need to seek wise counsel from people that understand the Bible.
• Servant Mindset – This is a heart issue and a humility issue.  When we have a desire to serve the people around us our level of happiness and success go up.  If we slip into our selfishness it tends to bring on negative emotions and a downward spiral.  Jesus calls us to find a need and fill it.
• Determination – Our lives are filled with challenges, difficulties and hardships.  Jesus tells us face the challenges that come our way, knowing that God is with us and for us.  When we understand our purpose and meaning in life it helps us to be more determined and focused when challenges come our way.  Being determined doesn’t mean we never give up, sometimes we need to know when to quit something, it means we do what we can to accomplish the task at hand or resolve the situation we find ourselves in.
• Sacrifice – Jesus was a great example of sacrifice.  He was so passionate about what He was called to do that He was willing to sacrifice His life for it.  When we are willing to sacrifice for something it usually means delaying gratification until something is accomplished.  Understanding that we must give some things up in order to go up or to be successful.  Are we willing to sacrifice living beyond our means in order to save and give more, or do we spend whatever we get?
• Preparation – Jesus talks about being a faithful servant.  Part of being a faithful servant is to be prepared by developing a plan of action.  We must also be willing to be flexible if things change.  We prepare by continually working on ourselves to develop our character, our faith and our leadership.  Usually the things that we are going through right now are preparing us for what is to come.
• Action – If we know the truth but never act on it, the truth is of no value.  Once we know God’s will for our lives we need to obey what He calls us to do even when we don’t fully understand it.  Our success in life goes up when we take action and put into practice what we have learned.  If we only focus on learning, we tend to become proud and judgmental.  When we take action and do the things that God teaches in the Bible we tend to become more humble and graceful.
• Talent – Jesus encourages us to discover our talents and share those with others.  When we are working in our area of strength, everyone benefits.  When we try to do things we are no good at it usually leads to frustration and negative emotions.  God created each one of us uniquely and gave us talents and abilities.  When we tap into those talents we tend to be more successful.
• Persistence – We need to be tenacious and finish well.  When we understand who we are and what our true identity is it helps us to hang in there through the hardships of life.  Jesus was very persistent and durable.  He focused on the mission that he came for and did not get distracted on things that did not contribute to the ultimate goal of seeking and saving the lost.

 

There are many famous leaders in the Bible such as Moses, David, Peter and Paul.  Yet there are many others that are not as famous that were vital to the work of God happening.  One such leader was Epaphroditus.  Do you know his story?  He played an important yet obscure role in the ministry of Paul and the Philippians.  No books were written about Epaphroditus, he never wrote any books or made any speeches that we are aware of.  What he did do was run from Philippi to Rome to join Paul who was in prison and minister to his needs.  He also carried Paul’s letter to the Philippians back home with him.  This is how Paul describes him in Chapter 2 verses 25-30:

1. A People Lover – Paul calls him a minister.  He had compassion for the people of Philippi and cared about them deeply.  He also cared about Paul and was willing to serve him in whatever way he could.
2. A Risk Taker – Paul calls him a fellow soldier.  He risks his own life and safety in order to serve alongside Paul.  He refused to simply look out for himself and play it safe.
3. A Tireless Worker – Paul calls him a fellow worker.  Paul mentions an illness he suffered from and that it was tied to his hard work.  Even though he was suffering and ill, he continued to serve as best he could.
4. A Servant Leader – Paul calls him a messenger.  Paul encourages the church to welcome him like a hero.  Epaphroditus both led and served as he became a spokesman for the church.

There are many people that work everyday in obscure ways that play a big part in the story God is writing.  Leadership is not about position but influence with what we have been given.  We are all called to love people, take risks for God, work hard and serve others.  If we can do that consistently over time, the impact for God’s Kingdom can be great.  Epaphroditus humbled himself to serve Paul.  Paul in turn recognizes the contribution he made to his ministry.  Our mindset as followers of Christ should be to humble ourselves and serve the people around us.  It may go unnoticed by people, but it will not go unnoticed by God.

Over the past several years my wife and I have changed some of our behaviors as it relates to food and exercise.  We decided that we wanted to lose weight and keep it off in order to feel and look better.  We started slow by getting on a system that taught us how to eat right.  It wasn’t a diet, it was a training system.  We had to relearn how to eat the right portions and the right kinds of food.  We had to start thinking about how many servings of each kind of food we would eat each day.  We also had to think about movement and motivation.  Incorporating exercise into our lives and finding out what would motivate us to do this the rest of our lives.  So we changed our behavior by changing our thinking and we changed our thinking by learning the truth and applying it to our lives.

So what is influencing your thinking right now?  What are you feeding your mind that is influencing how you think and therefore how you behave?  What’s feeding your marriage?  What’s feeding your parenting?  What’s feeding your relationship with God?  What’s feeding your work life?  What’s feeding your finances?  What if the things that are feeding our minds are lies?  If the sources of what we feed our minds is not truth, then our beliefs and behaviors can be destructive to our well being and relationships.  What are you doing now that is hurting your marriage, your leadership at work, your relationship with your kids, your relationship with God?  Often times we do what we have learned from others and many times that is filled with lies and half truths.  If you really want to transform your marriage, your parenting, your leadership, your intimacy with God or your physical health, it starts with a training program.  You need to start to go to the right sources to feed your mind in these areas.

Some of those sources include God’s Word, wise men and women, books from experts on marriage, parenting and relationships that follow Biblical principles.  Whatever you want to transform, you must first transform your thinking by learning the truth and apply it to your life.

Having healthy relationships in our lives is vital, yet many people do not have many close, vibrant relationships.  The way in which we communicate with people often determines how healthy that relationship becomes.  Communication also determines how close we allow people into our lives.  Communicating on an emotional level is difficult, but critical.  Especially in the marriage relationship, listening with the heart paves the way to deeper intimacy.  Here are six ways to work on that and instantly improve your most important relationships.

1. Listen beyond the words to the feelings – People’s emotions tell the real story of what is going on.  If you focus on only what is being said, you may miss a much greater message.  People generally feel more understood, cared for, and connected when the communication focuses on their emotions and feelings rather than merely on their words or thoughts.  The approach should be that we really care about what the other person is feeling about the topic being discussed.  This may mean that we need to ask questions about their feelings instead of the words that were spoken.
2. The real message is often the emotions behind the words – When this is done well, it communicates that we really do care about the other person and are not just trying to win an argument.  When we take each interaction as an opportunity to learn more about the other person it sets us up for success.  This can be a difficult thing to do, especially for guys, so some trial and error will need to take place as this is practiced.
3. Allow others’ emotions to touch you – People feel loved when they know you truly understand their feelings.  They don’t care that we may have a solution for the problem as much as we understand how they feel.  When we actually acknowledge the emotion they are expressing it helps them to feel more understood.
4. Effective communication is a dynamic process of discovery that maintains energy in the relationship – Again if we view communication as a dynamic discovery process instead of a problem solving time it will improve our relationships immensely.  Sometimes just asking if the other person is looking for solutions to the problem or just a time to express frustration can help how that conversations goes.  This kind of communication will bring new energy to the relationship, because it is touching them at a heart level not just a mind level.
5. Effective communication starts with safety – When we listen rather than judge or correct, we create a safe environment for understanding to take place.  One of our primary responsibilities is to create a safe place for the other person to express their heart.  That cannot happen unless the other person trusts that we have their best interest at heart and are truly concerned about them.  In a marriage, there will be an emotional wall if there is not trust and they do not feel safe to share on an emotional level.  That wall is a way of protecting their emotions and will only come down when they feel safe.
6. Communication is understanding, not determining who’s right – All of our relationships will thrive if our priority is understanding the other person instead of fixing the other person.

So start working on your emotional communication skills right now by focusing on the emotions behind the words.  Approach each conversation as an opportunity to learn more about what makes that person tick and what is important to that person.

I love to read, and every year I try to plan out some of the books I want to read.  Of course there are always those books that others recommend or that I come across that interest me and I will add those during the year.  This past year I was a part of a group that read one book a month.  We would read it, write a one page summary of personal take-away’s.  I also was reading other books during that time and continued to read my Bible.  You might ask how I have time to read.  I have to make time for it.  I sometimes will actually schedule time to read, and I will often take an extended time to read on my days off.  Reading is one of the best ways that I know of to grow and learn.  I want to encourage you to read.  If you don’t like to read, start slowly and make it a goal to get through at least one book this year.  Then keep building on it.  It will help you to read with a group of people, maybe your small group, to keep you accountable.  So here is my summer reading list, I hope to get most of these books read over the next 3-4 months:

• I Quit by Geri Scazzero – Our entire staff is reading this book over the summer and will be discussing it in August
• Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone – by Mark Goulston – I have had this book for almost a year and am looking forward to learning how to listen better.
• The Confession – by John Grisham – the only fiction book on my list
• Out Live Your Life – by Max Lucado – Got a autographed copy from the author.
• Change Your Brain, Change Your Body – by Daniel Amen – love reading about the brain, God created us to use it.

I also have a handful of books on my Kindle that I plan on reading as well.  Here are the ones I plan on trying to read:

• Absolute Surrender – By Andrew Murray – This is the second book I am reading by Murray.  Old book, but great principles and helpful tool to grow spiritually.
• Every Day for Every Man – Daily Devotional by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stocker
• Leading at a Higher Level – by Ken Blanchard – Blanchard is an amazing leader and author.  I’ve learned a lot from him.
• Helping People Win at Work – by Ken Blanchard
• Fearless – by Max Lucado – Fear hold so many of us back from all God wants us to be.

I am sure there will be a few other books thrown in there as I come across things that will help me grow.  I want to encourage you to plan out what you will be reading this summer and get started.