Category: Relationships

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A Word to Husbands from God’s Word

I’ve been married for 35 years. Over those years we have had many struggles, arguments, victories and failures. We have had to work hard on communication, make sacrifices for each other and practice forgiveness. Marriage can be challenging but so rewarding.

My last post was for wives and it dealt with the first part of this passage of Scripture in Ephesians chapter 5. This next section starting in verse 25 is talking to Christian husbands.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.

It seems like a simple command: “Husbands love your wives.” But if you’ve been married for more than five minutes, you realize that it’s a bit harder than it sounds.

The command for the Christian husband to love his wife is not contingent on her fulfilling any particular roles. In other words, it’s to love her even if she is not acting lovely. 

More to the point, it’s an ongoing, everyday type of love. It’s not a love only reserved for wedding days, anniversaries, or Valentine’s Day. This everyday love characterizes the attitude of the Christian husband to his wife.

Furthermore, it has a pattern to follow. The Christian husband reflects Jesus’s love for his church and the unity or oneness found in this relationship. 

The Bible points husbands to the supreme example, Jesus, as the one who is both the model and also the motivation for loving their wives. So being a Christian husband means becoming more like Christ. Making that your top priority in life.

In light of how Jesus loves his church, how then are Christian husbands to love their wives?

Here are ways in which a husband can love his wife like Jesus.

(1) A Sacrificial Love

We start here with the most obvious. The husband’s love for his wife is to be sacrificial, because Jesus’s love for us was sacrificial. Jesus died for his bride, and so the husband must be willing to do the same. 

Many husbands would say they would die for their wives, But the essence of the sacrifice could be pressed home further. Would you live sacrificially for his wife? Will you die to yourself and your self-interest to put your wife first?

Loving her sacrificially means a willingness to give up some things in order to make her more important. Are you willing to sacrifice making more money? Having less man toys? Going hunting or fishing less often? Staying home more? Doing what she wants to do? Taking time to talk to her, listen to her?

(2) A Serving Love

Jesus served the church. This love wore an apron. He served his bride, the church, with his life and death. We read in Mark 10:45, “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Likewise, the husband, the leader, is to serve his wife. He is to, like Jesus, be willing to set aside his interests when presented with the opportunity to serve his wife. Think about it. We could never conceive of Jesus being too busy to hear from us in prayer. He is not distracted. He is not uninterested. No, he loves us and continues to listen and help us. He is always doing us good. 

Jesus is not too busy checking his phone, or scrolling through social media when we are trying to talk to him. He is not drifting off thinking about hobbies or work when we are pouring our hearts out to him in prayer.

He is not daydreaming when we are laying bare our weaknesses before him. No, he is present, faithful, caring, and serving. As husbands we are to likewise with our wives.

He is attentive and sympathetic. The danger for marriages is not that the husband would love another woman more than his wife; it’s that he would love himself more than his wife.

(3) A Faithful Love

Jesus is faithful to his church, his bride. Likewise, the husband, if reflecting Jesus, must be faithful to his wife. We read in verse 31, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

This one-flesh union is a life of commitment and faithfulness. It means she comes before your family, or her family or even your kids. You are committed to her through sickness and health, rich or poor, better or worse.

In Paul’s time, just as in our own, people changed partners without a second thought. The Christian marriage, and the love the husband offers his wife, is to be a committed and faithful love. 

(4) An Understanding Love

Jesus knows us and understands us. He knows what makes us tick. He knows our weaknesses. Peter reminds husbands in 1 Peter 3:7 to “live with your wives in an understanding way showing honor” (to her). 

This word “understanding” refers to knowledgable love. The husband should be well-acquainted with his wife. He should be working hard to know and understand her. The husband must be forever studying and learning about his wife. 

I’m a lifetime student at the University of Vikki my wife. I’ll never graduate or get a diploma; I’m a lifetime learner. I’m always trying to learn how to best love and serve her. Become curious about what makes your wife happy, what she loves, what she struggles with, what her fears are and how she likes to communicate.

(5) A Caring Love 

Paul writes, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” 

The husband’s love for his wife should reflect his care for his own body. 

Paul offers two keywords to describe this: nourish and cherish. A husband cares for his wife by nourishing her heart, much like a gardener nourishes his plants. Do you even know what nourishes her heart? If not start paying attention, ask her questions that can help answer that question.

This requires you to pay attention to her, to talk with her, to know what her hopes and fears are, what dreams she has for the future, where she feels vulnerable or ugly, and what makes her anxious or gives her joy.  A husband cherishes his wife in the way he spends time with her and speaks about her, so that she feels safe and loved in his presence. 

Richard Phillips in his commentary on this passage of Scripture in Ephesians says “In my experience, a husband’s caring love is one of the greatest needs in most marriages. [A] wife’s heart is dried up by a husband who pays her little attention, takes no interest in her emotional life, and does not connect with her heart.”

You connect with her heart by opening up your own heart to her. When you open up and talk about the struggles, the hurts, the dreams you have she feels closer to you. Then listening to her and asking her to share her heart.

Another way this happens is by praying together and sharing prayer requests with each other.

(6) A Sanctifying Love

You’ll notice that much of what Paul refers to here involves Jesus’s care for us spiritually. I don’t think this means that the husband is the only one responsible for seeing his wife grow in godliness.

But, The husband is given the privilege and charge to see his wife grow in godliness. There are other means God has provided like the local church, but it is the husband’s responsibility to ensure that it happens in his home. He is to be concerned with his wife’s spiritual growth. He is to share Jesus’s burden for his wife’s holiness. 

He directs his love toward her godliness. This love then will show itself in your conversations, in family devotions, in prayer, in church attendance, in church participation, in serving, and the overall tone of the home. 

Christian husbands can excel in many areas of love but drop the ball at this point and, as a result, not fulfill their charge from the Lord. 

Husbands, are you taking the lead in pointing your family, and especially your wife, to the Word of God and the God of the Word?

Most men struggle with this, and a big reason why, is that they don’t think they know enough or are mature enough in their faith. Let me just say here that one of the best ways that you can love your wife is by loving Jesus, by taking that relationship seriously and making it a priority. As you grow, so does your family.

(7) A Leading Love

Jesus left us a pattern to follow. If we want to be Christlike, then we must reflect his leadership:

And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:42-45)

The Christian husband’s love for his wife is not to look like a Roman occupation. It’s not a page out of the popular business handbook. It’s not about self-fulfillment but self-sacrifice.

Practically speaking, this means that husbands and wives are not allowed to delay obeying God’s commands until their spouses fulfill their God-given roles perfectly. No, both the husband and the wife each individually have to choose to follow and obey Jesus’ ways.

(8) An Enduring Love

Jesus doesn’t quit on his bride. Isn’t that good news? Too many Christian marriages tap out when things get hard. We mustn’t do this. We are to stay on the field and work it out, continuing to press on and go to the end. Jesus motivates us to endure amid and through hardship.

If you are in a difficult time in your marriage don’t give up. Do what you can, and let God have what you can’t control.

Get help, counseling, a mentor, trusted christians to pray with you. Now I also know that this does not always work. Sometimes marriages come to an end. It takes two people to truly reconcile and if one chooses not to do that, you sometimes have to have an ending.

However even after an ending there can still be room for forgiveness and reconciliation. That’s why it’s so important to take care of yourself after this. Have good boundaries in place and surround yourself with godly people that will love and support you.

Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.

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A Word to Wives from God’s Word

The Apostle Paul writes about marriage here in the letter to the Ephesian church. Paul knows that we need constant reminders on how to follow Jesus, and how to treat each other, especially in the marriage relationship.

Paul is reminding the Ephesians and us today that our marriages should be different from the world. Let’s take a look at some keywords that Paul uses when it comes to wives and marriage. In my next post I will share what husbands are to do.

Ephesians 5: 22-33 ESV 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

  1. Wives submit to your husbands.

This word submission does not sit well with most people these days.

The meaning of this word comes from a military word meaning to arrange under or to be under and to lift up and support.

Submission is a big part of being a follower of Jesus, we submit to Jesus, we come under his leadership and serve Him, both men and women.

Paul is saying to wives to have this same mindset when it comes to your husband.

  • Submission Does not mean that a wife is unequal – Galatians 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. 

We are all equal in value, significance, acceptance under God.

  • Submission Does not mean a wife must always agree with her husband – Acts 5:29 But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men.

There will be many times you will not agree. It’s clear you should obey God rather than your husband if he is asking you to do something against God’s word. 

Just be cautious how you disagree and push back. You can disagree and still show respect. You can set boundaries and still love.

  • Submission Does not mean a wife has no influence over her husband. 1 Peter 3:1 “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives”

Wives, you can have a huge influence in your husband’s life by how you live your life. If he is a non believer your submission to him and respect for him will have spiritual influence in his life.

  • Submission Does not mean a wife should ever live in fear of her husband. 1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”

What does it mean to submit to your husbands?

“Submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.” John Piper

It’s the disposition to follow a husband’s authority and an inclination to yield to his leadership. It is an attitude that says, ‘I delight for you to take the initiative in our family. I am glad when you take responsibility for things and lead with love.

This also means that there may be times where you do have to lead the family when he is not around, or he is struggling, sick. You are a team and work together in all things.

The first part of that definition is to honor and affirm. Another word I like here and that Paul uses at the end of this section on marriage is respect.

There are many ways to honor and affirm your husband. To show him respect. Believe it or not most men would much rather be respected than loved. 

But how do you actively respect your husband?

  1. Watch what you say.

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. – Colossians 4:6

A wife’s words of affirmation have more weight and power than anyone else in their world. Especially when you are around other people. You should always speak kindly and positively about your husband to others. 

If you are having problems at home be careful who you share that with. It needs to be trusted Christian friends, a counselor, pastor or mentor. It needs to be in the right setting.

Wives, you need to watch the words you say to and about your husbands. Think before you speak. Your words need to edify him and build him up. For most men your positive encouraging words are fuel for their souls.

He wants you to be proud of him, believe in him, trust him. He wants to know you are in his corner and have his back, because he will do that for you.

  1. Let him know when he has done something well.

Your husband needs to hear when he has done something well. He needs to know that you notice him and the steps he’s taking. Most wives are very good at seeing when he doesn’t do something right. It’s OK to point that out if done in the right way. But not if you are not also cheering him on and thanking him when he does something well. Even multiple times.

The point is don’t always be negative. That will shut him down and cause him to withdraw almost every time. Try to say more positive things than negative things.

3. Recognize that he isn’t perfect.

There may be times that you don’t agree with a decision or direction…and there will be times that you were right. Don’t rub this in his face. Choose grace and humility. 

Respect means calling him to step up to his potential

This doesn’t mean being your husband’s Holy Spirit, but it does mean encouraging him to step up into the man that God has called him to be. Respect means caring enough to have difficult conversations that call him to draw closer to Christ. It means believing in who he is and who he can become.

Again don’t criticize but encourage. If you are critical of his leadership it will push him further away and he will just start deferring to you.

This is where understanding his giftings, talents and abilities is important and how your gifts, talents and abilities can compliment him and help him. 

Talk as a couple about what you are good at and not good at. That can help define who does what in the household. Finances, Cleaning, Cooking, Yardwork, 

That also means that he is not the perfect hallmark husband and never will be. Give him a break, give him grace. Believe the best about him and trust him. 

When he does something that hurts you, pray before you confront. Get in the right frame of mind and try not to let your emotions lead, but lead with submission and respect. Most men appreciate when you are direct and clear with what the problem is, but not when you are emotional or out of control.

Men can’t read your mind, so help him out. Not just hinting, but clearly say what the problem is or what happened that hurt you.

4. Watch your non-verbal language.

Did you know that non-verbal language makes up about 93% of our communication? Our tone of voice and body language are huge indicators of our respect level. Do you roll your eyes? Do you cross your arms? Do you look away when he is trying to talk with you?

This is one we have to constantly work on and need to keep reminding ourselves of. It’s hard to get right, but it’s so important that we do.

5. Seek to understand.

Don’t assume the worst. Assume the best and seek to understand his heart. Rather than seeking to be understood, you need to truly hear where he is coming from. It’s often a much better spot than you think.

Ask clarifying questions, don’t drill him with questions and make sure it’s not accusations. That will shut him down. Ask questions that will give him a chance to explain what happened or what he meant. 

This may be difficult, but ask a question and wait. You may even need to give him time to get back with you if he’s not in the right frame of mind. Giving permission for that can help him take time to answer right.

6. Be trustworthy.

While this needs to be in all areas, one example is in finances. Some wives that I have talked to hide purchases and packages from their husbands. This is dangerous. How can your husband feel respected (or even trust you) if you are deceptive in this (or any) area? When this happens, trust begins to erode. 

Men, if this happens it might mean that she is afraid of you and that’s a problem. Openly discuss your finances so there are no secrets and she knows where you are with the finances. 

As I said before, most men like when you are direct and to the point. Being trustworthy means you are not hiding things from each other. That you can talk about anything. If that is not your relationship, you can start to build trust slowly by being truthful in the little things. Admitting when you make a mistake, before being caught. Doing what you say you will do. 

When you show a man respect, he will trust you more.

7. Pray for your husband.

Pray for his heart and for his mind. Pray that God would protect him and cultivate a man who loves the Lord and is obedient to Him. Pray for his work and the place that he works, pray for him to have godly wisdom as he leads at work and home, pray for God to protect him from temptations and give him courage to follow Jesus everywhere he goes.

If he is not a believer, pray for his salvation. If he is a believer, pray for his relationship with Jesus to grow, for God to bring other godly men into his life, for God to speak to his heart.

God is the only one who can transform our hearts and we need to trust that God is in control. 

8. Have a gentle spirit.

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 1 Peter 3:3-4

Cloak yourselves with gentleness, grace, and humility. This is what will speak to your husband’s heart. “Gentle spirit” doesn’t mean being weak, but it does mean a spirit filled with humility and love.

Pray that you would be able to show respect, even when it’s difficult.

There will be times where showing respect isn’t easy. In these times you need to make sure that you are walking hand in hand with the Holy Spirit, having him guide your tongue, your thoughts, your actions, and your heart.

Just like with love, respect is a verb. It’s an active choice.

Wives, you have the ability to build your husbands up or tear them down. When you choose respect, you set a gracious tone to your home and your marriage.

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Do You Enjoy Waiting?

I meet with and talk with a lot of people and one thing I don’t think I have ever heard is someone say they are really good at being patient.  Not many people list that as a strength, most often it’s listed as a weakness.  The meaning of the word patience is quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence.  It’s an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.  Calmness, stability, and persistent courage in trying circumstances.  Does that describe me?  How about you?

Have you heard or made this comment: “Be careful when you pray for patience, because you might be tested.”  It’s almost like we are afraid to ask God for patience, because then we may be put into a position to have to actually be patient.  So why is it so hard for most people to be patient?  Why is this this virtue such a challenge to the majority of people.

Some of it stems from living in an instant gratification culture.  We have access to almost anything through our computers and phones, from emails to movie tickets.  I have seen people nearly go ballistic if they have to wait in line for more than a few minutes.  When looking to check-out at Walmart we work hard at finding the quickest line and when the line beside us goes faster, we get angry.  This mindset of getting things instantly has a dark side to it.  It affects our emotional intelligence and spiritual maturity.  The capacity to wait – trading a temporary delight for a more substantial success later- is a core component of emotional intelligence and spiritual maturity.

Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord. Psalms 27:14

If we have a hard time waiting, we tend to act like children and throw a temper tantrum to get what we want.  Studies at Columbia University measured 4 year old’s ability to resist candy, then followed up more than a decade later.  Kids who could wait only a few seconds for the candy, had SAT scores as teens that averaged 60 points lower than those of the kids who’d had the self-control to resist for 5 minutes or longer.  Good things come to those who wait.  This is often hard to see in the moment when we really want something.  However, going with those first impulses can get us into trouble and into debt.

The good news is that we can all change and everyone can improve in this area of patience.  Our brains can be rewired and transformed, so that we actually respond and behave in a different way.  This of course takes time and patience with lots of endurance.  Here are a few suggestions on how to practice and improve our patience:

  1. Create more space between impulse and action – When hit with that impulse that I must have this or I must buy that, wait for a few hours and see if you still feel that way.  Delaying that impulse often leads to better more sound decisions, health and relationships.  Maybe the impulse is to say something to your spouse to defend yourself or attack his behavior, hold those words in and wait.  Think through how those words could be received and how they could do more damage.  Maybe it’s a purchase of something beyond the budget.  The power to walk away will begin to rewire the brain and help change the finances.
  2. Plan on Waiting – If we plan ahead for when we have to wait, it can be a huge shift in perspective.  When waiting in traffic, use that time to breath deeply and pray.  The deep belly breathing is a proven stress reliever and prayer has a way of shifting our focus to the right things.  Also, listening to a podcast or worship music can be a great way to use the time while you wait.  When you plan on waiting, those long waits can become little retreats.
  3. Plan Ahead – Allow more time, not less, to get to places; don’t leave important tasks to the last minute; resist doing one more thing before leaving the office or home, which causes us to be anxious, and often late, even before starting out.  The more we can plan ahead, the less impatient we will be when delayed.
  4. Practice saying No – Our lives are too busy because we take on too much.  Simplifying our lives can dramatically improve our patience.  Most of the things we are doing or involved in are good things, but too much is too much.  Start by listing out the most important things in your life.  What other things are distracting you from the most important?  When we are able to say no to some things we are able excel in others.
  5. Don’t try to change other people – The harder we try to change the other person the worse the relationship becomes.  Being patient with other people takes a shift from trying to figure out how to change them, to trying to figure out how to love and serve them.  Our patience level goes way up when we approach other people with a mindset to serve them and love them instead of change them.  That way when they don’t behave like we think they should it’s much easier to just keep serving and loving.  It’s not our job to fix other people or the world, it’s our job to work on ourselves.
  6. Understand why some things push your buttons – We all have hot buttons, those things that set us off and lead us into impatience and other emotions.  When we fully understand why certain things set us off, then we can learn new ways of responding when those buttons get pushed.  Our response after that button is pushed is what leads to conflict, anger, impatience and immaturity.  Our buttons are based on core fears we all have.  Things like fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being misunderstood or unheard, fear of being inadequate, judged or cheated.  Fears like that cause us to respond is some whacked out ways. Some self discovery here can help you in all your relationships and be more patient with others and yourself.
  7. Be Flexible – We get most impatient when our plans are messed up.  When our schedule does not work out or something or someone blocks our goal.  When those unexpected things come up, take it as a learning experience and an opportunity to grow.  Maybe that person was brought into your life in that moment to help you grow more mature.  When we are so rigid in our goals and schedule it causes us to be very impatient with anyone that gets in the way.  We live in a fallen broken world with fallen broken people.  Expect roadblocks and distractions, and be prepared to adjust the best laid plans as necessary.
  8. Include God – On our own we will fail miserably in becoming more patient.  Asking God to help us in this area is the best thing any of us can do.  The more we talk to God about patience and other areas we need help in, the more He shapes and molds us.  When we plug into God, anything is possible.
  9. Finally, keep being persistent in your prayers even if God doesn’t seem to be answering. God does hear your prayers and is working in many ways that you do not see. Trust Him and His timing and keep doing your part of working on yourself and praying for others and the circumstances around you.
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Thoughts about Church – Part One

Most people have experienced some confusion or frustration with the church. The word itself can pull up bad memories or hurtful circumstances for some. Maybe you feel it was ineffective or irrelevant to your life. The church has been, and continues to be attacked from the outside and compromised on the inside at times.

It’s easy to criticize the church. It’s full of human beings that make mistakes and bad decisions, and sometimes hurt one another. Church leaders can be controlling and overbearing sometimes. Church leaders can also be weak and afraid. sometimes.

Yet God wants us to love the church. It was His design for reaching the world. The purpose of the church is to be an extension of the purpose of Jesus Christ. That purpose is to spread the good news about Jesus. To make disciples, baptize them, and teach them the ways of God.

To understand what the church is, we should look at what it is not:

  • The church is not a physical building. The building is simply place for the church to gather.
  • The church is not an institution or organization. It’s not a denomination or an affiliation.
  • The church is not a set of services or activities.
  • The church is not just a congregation.

The Bible describes the church in four ways:

  1. The words church refers to the universal church, which is all believers on earth at any given time.
  2. The word church refers to a particular location. The New Testament places the most emphasis on the church in its local setting. The churches in Galatia, the church in Cenchrea, the church in Sugarcreek.
  3. The word church refers to the actual gathering of believers in any place of worship.
  4. The word church refers to the body of Christ. Christ is the head. It is through the church that Christ does His work. As His followers, we are Christ’s hands and feet and voice.

How should the church function?

  • Believers in a church should use their gifts to serve.
  • Believers in the church should submit to one another.
  • Believers in the church are priests, each one loving, serving, and caring for each other.
  • Believers in the church should be striving for unity and growing in their relationship with Christ.
  • Believers in the church should be supporting the church through giving, serving and praying.
  • Believers in the church should be inviting others to come and meet Jesus.

The church is also compared to a flock of sheep, with Jesus as the Good Shepherd. The church should have elders/shepherds that care, oversee, serve, and lead the people. These shepherds set the vision and direction for the church. They provide protection, provision and care for the flock.

The church is also referred to as a family. God’s Word says we are sons and daughters of God, united together by our faith in Jesus Christ. As family members, we are free to enjoy a mutual, intimate relationship with God our Father and other children in His family. In a family, people are always more important than policies. Relationships are always more important than roles.

A healthy church will thrive and have an impact on the lives of the people that gather together. Those lives will have Kingdom impact in lives outside the church in our world. The church can also be unhealthy and cause a lot of damage to peoples lives which causes damage to the world we all live in.

In Part Two I will talk about Why the church exists.

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Living intentionally for Christ

When we put our faith in Jesus Christ, he forgives our sins and redeems us. We are born again spiritually. That the biggest most important decision you will ever make.

So as a Follower of Christ how do we live intentionally and walk in our new identity?

For a Christian, living intentionally begins with living a life submitted to Christ. In Christ we find our identity and purpose.  Knowing your purpose is key, because your purpose determines your priorities. As you seek God, He will reveal your specific calling and purpose to you.

However, as a follower of Jesus Christ your main purpose is to bring glory to God by loving and worshiping Him with your life – all that you are and everything that you do.

That’s where we start. Before your career, financial, and relationship goals can fall into place, you must be intentional in your relationship with God. He will guide you and give you wisdom for your decisions.

Colossians 2:6-10

6 Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, 7 rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.

8 See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits[a] of the world, and not according to Christ. 9 For in him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, 10 and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority.

What’s the secret to living the Christian life? We all start off so well. We receive Christ as our Savior, and we are filled with excitement at the prospect of new life in Christ. Our sins have been forgiven, we have been restored to relationship with God, we have assurance that we will go to heaven when we die, and we know that our whole life just changed. The old is gone, the new has come!

We start off enthusiastic for Christ and ready to take on the whole world. And then many of us seem to struggle and flounder at times. Why is that? We want to live the Christian life. Why is it so hard sometimes? What’s the secret to living the Christian life?

In the Scripture you just read, Paul tells us three things about living the Christian life. The Christian life is marked by faith in Christ, it is marked by freedom in Christ and it is marked by fullness in Christ.

We received Christ Jesus by faith – now we should continue to live in him by faith.

First of all, the Christian life is marked by faith in Christ. Look at verses 6-7:

 “So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, 7 rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.” What is Paul saying here? Your Christian life began with faith in Christ, and it must also continue with faith in Christ.

By faith you received Christ Jesus as Lord. Declaring: “Jesus is Lord.”

We confess our faith in Jesus as Lord at our baptism, when we mark ourselves as Christ followers and when we go under the water it is symbolic of death to our old self and coming out of the water resurrection and a new life a new heart..

By faith you received Christ Jesus as Lord. Now Paul says, you need to live in Christ the same way you received him.

The Christian life is not simply faith in a set of teachings but faith in a person. It is a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. The Christian life is lived in Christ. Christ lives in you, and therefore you live your life in him. Just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, you continue to live in him.

First of all, you are rooted and built up in him. “Rooted” refers to the foundation of your Christian life. The Christian life is founded on Christ and Christ alone. It is not founded on your goodness or your works or your merit. The Christian life is founded on faith in Christ and Christ alone.

As Jesus says in John 15: “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” Jesus is the root and source of the Christian life. You cannot live the Christian life apart from Christ.

Next, Paul tells us you are “strengthened in the faith as you were taught.” The word translated “strengthened” in this verse means “established” or “made firm.” Not only must you have faith in Christ. You must also be well-grounded in your faith.

Paul is telling us to stick with the gospel. Stay grounded in Christ and the Bible. Don’t go looking for new teachings outside of Christ. Grow in what you already know!

He also says a life that is lived by faith in Christ is one that is overflowing with thankfulness. Begin each day thanking God for your life and salvation and for the many blessings he has given you in Christ. Living in Christ means being thankful and grateful every day.

Someone said – How do you know if your bucket is full? If your feet are getting wet.

Don’t be just a little thankful. Be overflowing with thankfulness. You can never thank God enough.

The Christian life is marked by faith in Christ, and secondly the Christian life is marked by freedom in Christ.

Look at verse 8 where Paul writes: “See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.” (Colossians 2:8)

In other words this is a strong warning to guard your freedom, to stay alert, to be on the lookout for those things that can rob you of your freedom and take you captive.

Things like deceptive and false teaching, the lies of the world, busyness of life

It’s fighting the daily spiritual battle from our enemy, we do that by walking in our true identity as children of God, loved by our heavenly father and bringing glory to HIm

C. True freedom is found in Christ alone

Too many people think the Christian life is all about rules and regulations when Christ really offers us a life of beautiful freedom.

In Christ you are free from condemnation, free from guilt and shame, free from fear, free from sin. We are constantly attacked in those areas, but we must remember who we re and whose we are. Children of God, deeply loved sand accepted.

in Galatians 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

The last thing is this:

1) The Christian life is marked by faith in Christ. 2) The Christian life is marked by freedom in Christ. And 3) The Christian life is marked by fullness in Christ.

Look at verses 9-10: “For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, 10 and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.”

A. All the fullness of God lives in Christ

This is a remarkable statement. First Paul says that all the fullness of God lives in Christ. Not just God’s attributes but his very essence; not just part but all – all that marks God as God dwells in Jesus Christ.

Not only that, Jesus Christ is also the head over every power and authority. Paul is probably thinking about spiritual beings once again, earlier in Colossians he spoke about spiritual beings as thrones, powers, rulers and authorities. All these powers and authorities were created by Christ, and all these powers and authorities are subject to Christ.

And then there is one more part to this remarkable statement. You have been given fullness in Christ! Christ lives in you; all the fullness of God lives in Christ; and therefore you have been given fullness in Christ.

Paul’s point in Colossians is this. Why give in to the hollow and empty philosophy of the false teachers when you have been given fullness in Christ?

You’ve already been filled! You have Christ! What more are you looking for? As Max Anders writes: “Don’t go looking for treasure you already have!” Everything you need from God you have in Christ.

Closing Scripture:

2 Peter 1:3-8:  3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4 Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7 and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. NIV

CONCLUSION: So what is the secret to living the Christian life? Christianity is not simply living out a creed, but it is living in a person Your True Identity is In Christ!

You are united with Christ by faith, and you receive the strength to live the Christian life every day through your relationship with him. Your Christian life began with Christ, and it must continue with Christ.

The Christian life is marked by faith in Christ, freedom in Christ and fullness in Christ. Anything less is not authentic Christianity. What’s the secret to living the Christian life? It’s simple. The secret to living the Christian life is living in Christ. That’s the heart of Christianity.

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Five ways to work on your marriage

As we start a new year many people are thinking about what they want to work on or improve in 2023. For those of us that are married that relationship is often something we would like to improve. Every marriage has difficulties and challenges, that’s normal. The reality is that many couples don’t work through issues and let them pile up over many years.

As you start your new year I hope you will set a few goals, or ideas on how you can work on the most important relationship you have, your marriage. I would like to share five ways that you can work on improving your marriage. Some of these might click and be helpful and some may not. The point is to work at, and be intentional about being a better husband or wife.

  1. Work at being a better listener.

Most of the conflict we experience comes from misunderstandings or simply not listening. This skill can improve any relationship and make the other person feel more valued. How do I do that? A few things that help me, include turning off any distractions like the TV or phone. Turn to the person and give them your full attention. Once your spouse has shared what’s on their mind, repeat back what you heard or ask clarifying questions. The goal is to understand what they said. You might even ask if they want your opinion or to just listen.

Listening also includes reading their body language and tone of voice. That will help you to understand if this is very important, or are they upset, hurt, or confused. The reason to do this is that good listener also connect emotionally. You can actually acknowledge the emotion by saying something like this: Honey I can see you’re very upset, how can I help? Make it a goal in 2023 to be a better listener, before you talk with your spouse remind yourself to listen more and speak less.

2. Work at being a better communicator

This is another area a lot of people struggle with. Misunderstandings and conflict often happen when things are not clear, or are said in a way that is confusing or even hurtful. For some it might be not talking enough, not sharing and keeping things to yourself. For others it might be talking too much and people get lost or lose focus.

For those that don’t talk much, I urge you to work on talking more with your spouse. Talking is a way to connect with each other and to feel like you are letting the other person into your world. When you think about something try to follow through and actually say it to the other person, as long as it’s not hurtful or mean. If you have something important to tell your spouse you might even practice out loud, or write it down before you have the conversation. It’s also very important in communication to be clear and try not to have serious conversations when you are highly emotional.

For those that talk too much, work on reading the other person. Are they starting to zone out or get distracted? If so, stop talking and ask if they have any questions or input into what you have been talking about. You should also practice condensing your stories and not sharing all the fine details. What is your main point you want to make?

In 2023 work to be more clear and open in your communication with your spouse. By open, I mean sharing at a deeper level, being more vulnerable and honest. That means taking a risk and opening up. If you’re not able to do that, then I suggest talking with a trusted mentor or counselor about how you can work on your communication.

3. Work at expressing love.

You made a commitment to love and to cherish till death do you part when you got married. To improve your marriage, it’s important to express love on a regular basis. That’s more than simply saying I love you. I’m talking about the Five Love Languages: Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Gifts, Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. All of these are important but everyone has one or two that means a lot more than others. Words of Affirmation is by far the top one for me. A word of encouragement is like fuel for my soul.

If you don’t know your spouses love language make that a goal in 2023 to learn what it is, and then work at speaking that to your spouse more often. One way to do that is to read the book Five Love Languages or do a google search and find information about each of the five love languages. Then have a conversation with your spouse about what theirs is and what yours is. I wrote an article about this back in 2015 called How to communicate with your spouse.

4. Work at praying for your spouse.

If you are a Christian then prayer should be an important part of your life. If it’s not then start there. Simply be more intentional about talking with God, share your heart with Him as well as your frustrations. Give him praise and thanks on a regular basis.

Start the practice of praying for your spouse, listen for things you can pray about, share things with your spouse, if they are a Christian that they can pray about for you. Write things down so you remember and try to pray several times a week for them. Keep it simple but work at doing it consistently.

This will be a big step to improving your marriage. Prayer is powerful and affective. Taking a moment to simply say a short prayer for your spouse and kids, with him or her will go a long way to building love, connection and intimacy in your marriage.

5. Work at spending time together.

Most married couples find it hard to have time for each other. Raising kids, working and taking care of the house are challenging and keep us busy. Then add sports, hobbies, getting groceries, and even church activities and there isn’t much time for each other.

In 2023 be more intentional about scheduling time together, whether that’s a date night or simply a quiet evening together each week. Talk about what works for you, and then schedule it. Get a baby sitter if you have to, but try to make this happen more often this year. Also work on being more fully present when you are together. We often are consumed with work, finances, special projects or hobbies and don’t give our full attention to our spouse. It takes work and planning to spend time together but it’s worth it in the long run.

I could keep going but those 5 are a good start. Look for more ideas coming soon.

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Marriage: Finish Strong

Starting a race is easy, finishing a race is hard – Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

So how do you stay married?  More importantly how do you stay happily married, because lots of couples can just co-exist and hang on.

Look at two passages of Scripture 1 Corinthians 13 :4-7 and Galatians 5:22

In Galatians, patience is listed as part of the “fruit of the Spirit”: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law”.

Paul talks about the fruit that should be evident in our lives if we are living for God in Galatians.

In 1 Corinthians chapter 13 he goes into detail about the meaning of love, which is the key to staying married. in verse 4 it says that love is patient and kind. I believe that is one of the keys to finishing strong in a marriage.

The definition of Patience: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Have self-control in difficult situations.

Increasing patience is viewed as the work of the Holy Spirit in the Christian who has accepted the gift of salvation

In the Bible, patience is referred to in several sections. 

  • The book of Proverbs notes that “through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone” (Proverbs 25:14-16, NIV);
  •  Ecclesiastes points out that the “end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride” (Ecclesiastes 7:7-9, NIV); 
  • In the book of James, the Bible urges Christians to be patient, and ” see how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth,…until it receives the early and the late rains.” (James 5:7-11, NAB). 
  •  1 Thessalonians states that we should “be patient with all. See that no one returns evil for evil; rather, always seek what is good for each other and for all” (1 Thessalonians 5:14-15, NAB). 

So how do we practice patience in a relationship, especially the marriage relationship?

1.  Remind yourself that things take time. People who are impatient, are people who insist on getting things done now and don’t like to waste time. However, some things just can’t be rushed. 

  • Think about your happiest memories. Chances are, they were instances when your patience paid off, like when you worked steadily toward a goal that wasn’t immediately gratifying, or took a little extra time to spend leisurely with a loved one. Would you have those memories if you had been impatient? Probably not.
  • Almost anything really good in life takes time and dedication, and if you’re impatient, you’re more likely to give up on relationships, goals, and other things that are important to you. Good things may not always come to those who wait, but most good things that do come don’t happen right away.

2.  Remember what matters. Not focusing on what matters most in this life fuels impatience. You can move the world toward peace, by being kind, generous in forgiveness of others, being grateful for what is, and taking full advantage of what matters most. When other less important things fuel our impatience, taking time to remember any one of these items reduces our tendency to want something different right now.

3.   Always have a positive outlook in life and about your spouse Being positive is imperative to possessing a sense of patience. Believe the best about your spouse. Remember that marriage is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

4.   Expect the unexpected. Yes, you have plans, but things don’t always work out as planned. Accept the twist and turns in life gracefully. Keep your expectations realistic. This applies not only to circumstances, but also the behavior of those around you. 

  • If you find yourself blowing up over your child or your spouse accidentally spilling a drink, you’re not in touch with the fact that people aren’t perfect. Even if the occasion is not an isolated incident but is instead caused by their repeated neglect and carelessness, losing your patience isn’t going to make it any better. That’s something to be addressed with discussion and self-control.
  1.  Give yourself a break.
  • Stop holding yourself and the world around you to unattainable standards. Sure, we’d all be more patient if he would always listen, she would stop complaining, traffic flowed smoothly, and people didn’t make mistakes – but that’s never going to happen. Expecting the world to run smoothly is like beating your head against the wall. Give yourself a break!

The Benefits of Developing Patience

  1. Reduces stress levels and makes you a happier, healthier person.

When you learn and practice patience you don’t get as angry, stressed or overwhelmed. You are more in control of your emotions and in a better position to deal with difficult situations with ease and poise.
This promotes longevity and makes you a happier, healthier person.

  1. Results in better decision-making.

When you’re patient you take the time to assess the situation, see the big picture, and weigh any pros and cons. The chances of making a big mistake lessen because you avoid making it in haste. Taking the time to problem solve requires patience and deliberation. 

  1. Helps develop understanding, empathy and compassion.

You are automatically more understanding and compassionate with others when you yourself are patient. Patient people take the time to process what they go through and are able to determine what it takes to overcome obstacles, so they are more understanding of others. This results in better, more fulfilling relationships with spouses, friends, children and bosses. 

  1. Helps you understand and appreciate the process of growth.

As mentioned earlier anything worthwhile takes time and effort to achieve. As the old saying goes “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Planning, growth, evaluation and measurement all take time, and taking time takes patience. 

 Tips on How to Develop Patience

  • Take a day where you make patience your goal for the entire day.

Make a concerted effort to take your time and think about everything you do, be mindful and live in the moment. At the end of the day, observe all the ways in which you’ve made smarter decisions, got along better with others and actually understood what took place. Learn to do it on a daily basis. Developing patience is much like physical exercise because it requires persistence and effort. 

  • Slow down.

If you have the tendency to rush around and try to hurry things up, want things done immediately and can’t wait for things to take their natural course, STOP. Take several deep breaths before you act or make a move. For example, if you’re in a long lineup at the grocery store or in heavy traffic, make the decision to pause and not get worked up. Do some isometrics, listen to the radio, or just enjoy the view. Getting impatient won’t make things move along any faster, so why get worked up for nothing?

  • Practice delaying gratification.

When you want to reach for that dessert, second drink, or buying your tenth pair of red shoes, stop and think about it first. Maybe you don’t need or want any of them that badly after all. You can save yourself some money or added calories. 

  • Practice thinking before you speak.

At times we blurt out the first thought that comes into our heads without considering the consequences. If we’re patient, and can pause and go over what we want to say, we can avoid hurting or offending others. 

A few other tips on Patience:

  • Don’t be patient with bad behavior.  Be patient with how you respond to bad behavior.
  • Praise your spouse publicly, be sincere and specific.  Brag about how great he is or how organized she is.
  • Have crucial conversations in private.  Don’t argue and fight in front of the kids or in public.  Be patient enough to work on the conflict when you both can focus and not be distracted.
  • Try to praise more than admonish – you should praise 3 times more than you admonish.  If all you do is complain about what they are not doing and never praising them there will be little motivation to make any changes.

Being Kind goes with Patience:

  • Kindness always starts with you!  When you are kind it will influence your spouse, children and anyone else around you
  • When you are kind to another person it is difficult to not be kind in turn.
  • Being kind means making their day better.  Are they better off for being around you?
  • It is how you talk to each other the words that you use.
  • Helping when you can, serving them to make their day easier.
  • It can be very simple, a smile, a hug, a kiss, paying attention and listening, giving a small gift, saying I love you, writing a note!

Kindness is intentionally creating and maintaining the right environment in your home so your spouse and children can also be kind to others. 

The goal is to make deposits in their emotional bank account, which means you have to know their love language and what is important to them.

Prayer is important:

Prayer is the last thing I want to leave with you. 

Trying to be patient and kind on our own will not work.  You can do it for a while, but it will not last long term.

Only by involving God can you be patient and kind and all those other things we read about in 1 Corinthians 13

When we pray we plug into the incredible power of God.  It activates things spiritually that we cannot see.

Prayer also changes our perspective and reminds us of what is important.

So I want you to commit to praying for your spouse everyday for the next 21 days.

If you forget, just start again the next day.

Finish Strong!

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Choose a life of Self Giving

I believe life is about growing in our relationship with Jesus Christ. When we do that the rest of our lives find direction, meaning and purpose.

And one of the ways of God that leads us deeper into this kind of relationship is the pathway of self-giving. 

I’m not talking about giving your money, though the happiest and healthiest saints are always the most generous. I’m talking about giving yourself. 

We know from experience and from the Bible that the path of self-giving is the path of greatest joy and growth. It’s not free from risk and pain. But it is the path of greatest joy. 

Paul said in Acts 20:35, “Remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” More happy. More deeply satisfying. More rich and solid. Especially giving yourself.

This is who you are as a Christian. The moment you become a Christian, you are a giver by nature. self-giving is part of your nature, your essence, your identity.

Listen to Jesus: “Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him [that’s what it means to be a Christian] will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life” (John 4:14). 

That is who you are. You are a spring. You don’t do a spring. You are a spring. Whoever believes in me, Jesus said, “Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water” (John 7:38). That’s who you are. You are a spring. You are a fountain.

And what makes springs and fountains happy and healthy is when they make streams. If you stop them up, they stagnate. If you let them give — if you let them become what they are — they stay clear and healthy and life-giving and happy. 

Let’s turn to 1 Thessalonians 2:1–12.

Seven Ways Paul Gave Himself

Now listen to Paul as he tells us seven ways that he gave them himself. Please, don’t think of this as for someone else. Be encouraged to become what you are in Christ, a fountain, a spring, a giver of yourself.

1. First, Paul took a risk.

Verse 2: “But though we had already suffered and been shamefully treated at Philippi, as you know, we had boldness in our God to declare to you the gospel of God in the midst of much conflict.”

Going to church or going back to church is risky. Many of you have had bad church experiences, you’ve been hurt or disappointed or neglected or even rejected.
Taking the step of going is big. Walking into a new church with all the unknowns, is taking a risk

It’s the same thing getting into a small group or volunteering to serve. It’s risky, you could get hurt again, you could be disappointed again, you might not click or it might not be the right fit.

But that’s what the Gospel is all about – taking a risk, living and giving our lives to others. Loving and serving and growing. You can’t do that if you live an isolated, careful life. 

Sometimes we need to step out of our comfort zones and take a risk

2. Paul lived with integrity.

Verse 3: “For our appeal does not spring from error or impurity or any attempt to deceive.”

He gave them the truth and kept himself pure (that word for “impurity” is regularly used by Paul for sexual sin). He wasn’t doing this to find an inappropriate relationship.

He’s saying look guys our motives for helping you, for sharing the Gospel with you was from a heart of integrity. Integrity is not living perfect, but it’s being quick to admit your failures, your mistakes, asking for forgiveness – It’s being open, honest and of good character.

Our desire should be to live lives of integrity so that we can be a positive helpful influence on others.

We are not perfect, but we do have Christ, we do have the Holy Spirit.

3. Paul was not a People Pleaser.

Verse 4: “We speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts.” Verse 6: “Nor did we seek glory from people, whether from you or from others.”

People-pleasing makes people into phonies or pretenders. It usually means they are deeply insecure. 

What they want most is your approval. And so they are not real. They will do or say anything to make you happy, to avoid conflict or get you to like them

We all have some of these tendencies of wanting people to like us or to get their approval. That’s not wrong, it’s just should not be our primary motivator for doing things..

That is not giving yourselves. You never really know the real person. Paul will have nothing to do with that. He was all about pleasing God – His focus was on listening to God, obeying God, Sharing the good news about Jesus.

Relax in Jesus, and be who you are — warts, wrinkles, scars, and all.

4. Paul was Honest & Humble.

Verse 5: “For we never came with words of flattery, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed — God is witness.”

Flattery is using language not for the sake of truth, but for the sake of manipulation. You want something. 

In this case, Paul was being accused of buttering them up as a way to get money. They say he wanted their money, not their souls. And he says, “you and God know that is not true.”

We should live our lives the same way, not trying to manipulate people to get what we want, to get our way, to make more money.

We should not go to church or get into a small group to better our financial position or our status or to take advantage of someone else’s generosity, but to give ourselves.

Listen to verse 9: “For you remember, brothers, our labor and toil: we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you.” He was not after their money. He was after their hearts for their good, he wanted them to have a relationship with Jesus. 

He was there to give them himself. When you give yourself, you don’t flatter, and you don’t position yourself for money, and you don’t expect to be served. You are there to give. That’s who you are in Christ — a giver.

That should be our attitude when you go to church, when we join a small group, when we volunteer to serve. Not what can I get, but what can I give.

5. Paul Cared Deeply for others.

Verse 6–8: We could have made demands as apostles of Christ. But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children. So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us.

He exchanged a relationship of power for a relationship of affection. This is a very vulnerable thing for a leader to do, or anyone really. 

Caring about people and caring for people is part of our calling to give ourselves to each other. 

Don’t ever think you are above this. Don’t ever think you are too sophisticated or too self-sufficient, or too cool to give yourself like this — showing tender affection like a mother with her children.

Who can you show kindness to? Where can you build meaningful relationships that lead to care and friendship.

For some of you it starts in your homes, with your spouse or with your family. But don’t stop there. You can be a part of a group, serve on a team, be a mentor or pray for people and encourage people that are hurting or struggling.

Ask God to change your heart, to help you care deeply about other people and how you can love and serve others.

6. Paul treated people right.

Verse 10: “You are witnesses, and God also, how holy and righteous and blameless was our conduct toward you believers.”

He is not saying he was sinless. What this means is: We honored God, we treated people right, and we gave no one a legitimate reason to blame us for our behavior. 

He was above reproach. What a beautiful thing — what a compelling thing — when we can be real and be good. He walked in integrity.

Paul was open, vulnerable and real. There was nothing fake about him. He was genuine, he treated people with respect, love and care. He was full of truth and grace, which made it hard for people to find fault in him or accuse him of anything shady.

7. Paul was an Encourager

Verses 11–12: “For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory.”

And the legacy was not the memory of himself, but the kingdom and the glory of God.

Paul was a great encourager, just like a father encourages his children, so we can be known as an encourager, instead of a complainer.

Who can you encourage? Write a note, send  a text, say a prayer, visit, call.

Bottom Line: You Have Something to Give, Choose a life of giving Yourself.

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Three Relationship Tips

We were created for relationships. God made us to be in relationship with other people, and with him. When we are not in healthy relationships our lives are more difficult, dark, and lonely. In order to improve our relationships with people and God, here are three simple things we can do to grow, and become more healthy.

  1. Spend Time Together – If you don’t intentionally spend time together, you don’t get to know the other person. It’s in those times together, that the relationship has a chance to grow, both deeper and closer. Regular touches face to face, eye to eye, where you talk, catch up, ask questions, encourage and resolve conflict. When it comes to spending time with God, it also takes being intentional. The ways I do that is mainly through prayer, simply talking and listening to God. Reading Scripture is another way I connect with him. Musical worship, meditation and being out in creation are other ways I connect with God. Whether it’s another person or God, make time for each other. Plan times together where you are not interrupted or distracted.
  2. Listen and Pay Attention – This is a huge thing in relationships. Most conflict happens because of misunderstandings. When you are with a person you care about, practice active listening, by asking clarifying questions. Pay attention to their non verbal language. Be fully present by not being distracted by your phone, the TV, or other people. This is a great way to let someone know you care about them, by listening and paying attention. How are you doing in listening and paying attention to God and what he is saying to you?
  3. Practice Forgiveness – No relationship can last without giving and receiving forgiveness. We all are imperfect and make mistakes. We can and do hurt each other, maybe unintentionally or maybe intentionally. Forgiveness is the secret sauce to a healthy relationship. It helps us to keep short accounts and not let things build up. Forgiveness is the beginning of healing and helps us to not keep score or bring up old hurts from the past. Forgiving is not forgetting, but it can lead to forgetting, or to not holding an offense against someone.

I could give many more tips on healthy relationships. The big thing to me is that any relationship that is important will take work. The more work you put into the relationship the healthier it becomes. Anything that is neglected tends to deteriorate. Don’t let that happen to your relationships. Make time and find ways to build up and improve your relationships. You will never regret that effort.

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5 Qualities People Want in Their Leader

I’ve been watching what’s been happening in our world over the last several months and it’s been interesting to see how people are leading through a challenging, difficult time. Businesses have been disrupted, shut down or changed in some way. Schools and non-profits have been impacted in similar ways. Our government at all levels has been challenged in unprecedented ways.

There are no perfect leaders, everyone has flaws, weaknesses, and of course we all make mistakes. Leaders have to make difficult decisions, make judgement calls and sometimes take risks in the midst of the uncertainty.

It’s also very easy to pick out qualities we don’t like in the people that are leading us. I’m sure you could list out several right now. You are probably also thinking about some leaders that you don’t like or connect with.

As I thought about qualities that I appreciate most in leaders around me, these are the ones that came to mind. These qualities also work in the home with your spouse and children. Leading at home is just as important as leading at work. As you read these think about how you can apply these in both places.

  1. Speaking the Truth with Love – I appreciate when a leader is upfront and honest and shoots straight with me. I equally appreciate a leader that can shoot straight with me and say it in a kind way. Leaders that are honest whether it’s good news or bad news are highly respected. If they are able to do it in a loving, encouraging way it builds up the loyalty and respect even more. Leaders that are truthful and loving will build a strong team and a healthy home.
  2. Showing Genuine Appreciation – Leaders that show regular appreciation for people, and are truly genuine about it are highly respected. The ability to encourage people by noticing good behavior and accomplishments and quickly acknowledging it is a rare quality. A leader that does this both publicly and privately will quickly win over their team if it’s done with a genuine heart that cares about each person. A leader that believes in the people they are leading shows regular appreciation and encouragement. It takes great discipline and focus to do this on a regular basis.
  3. Expressing Care and Concern – When people know that you really care about them, their respect and loyalty skyrocket. You can’t fake this, it needs to be genuine. Leaders that take the time to get to know you, ask about your family and your personal interests are also pretty rare these days. Walking slowly, listening and remembering, sending a note or a text to see how you are doing, those are game changers in leadership. Those small acts of care build a healthy culture. Everyone goes through hard times, when your leader listens, understands and helps as much as possible, it really matters.
  4. Being Decisive and Flexible – Most people appreciate a leader that can make wise, quick decisions. It keeps things moving and helps people get things done. When you add to that a leader that is willing to change their mind, go in a different direction, and listens for the best ideas, you have a highly respected leader. The great leaders are also quick to empower other people to make decisions and encourage them to be flexible as well.
  5. Humble yet Persistent – A leader that has a serving mindset and is always trying to lift others up builds trust and respect. Combine that humble mindset with being persistent and focused and you have a leader that can accomplish a lot, and has a healthy strong team. You can’t fake humble, a leader needs to truly desire to serve people and help them get better. That never give up attitude is also vital for an organization to survive and grow. These are the leaders that can navigate the dangerous waters of chaos, disruption and adversity and come out stronger and better.

One last thought about great leadership. Emotional health is also extremely important when it comes to leadership at work and at home. When you have damage emotions it comes out in the way that you lead. Before you can improve any of the qualities above, it’s important to work on your emotional health.

One of the best ways to do that is through spiritual growth. Deepening your relationship with God can bring real, long lasting healing to damaged emotions. Working through forgiveness, understanding God’s grace and mercy, and seeing yourself as a child of God are all very important in gaining emotional health. You may also need to seek counseling and sometimes even a medical doctor to make sure you are healthy emotionally and physically so that you can lead well.

We are all in process and hopefully getting better at leading the people entrusted into our care and circle of influence. Make it a priority to work on developing these key qualities, the people you lead will be grateful.