Category: Marriage

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A Word to Husbands from God’s Word

I’ve been married for 35 years. Over those years we have had many struggles, arguments, victories and failures. We have had to work hard on communication, make sacrifices for each other and practice forgiveness. Marriage can be challenging but so rewarding.

My last post was for wives and it dealt with the first part of this passage of Scripture in Ephesians chapter 5. This next section starting in verse 25 is talking to Christian husbands.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.

It seems like a simple command: “Husbands love your wives.” But if you’ve been married for more than five minutes, you realize that it’s a bit harder than it sounds.

The command for the Christian husband to love his wife is not contingent on her fulfilling any particular roles. In other words, it’s to love her even if she is not acting lovely. 

More to the point, it’s an ongoing, everyday type of love. It’s not a love only reserved for wedding days, anniversaries, or Valentine’s Day. This everyday love characterizes the attitude of the Christian husband to his wife.

Furthermore, it has a pattern to follow. The Christian husband reflects Jesus’s love for his church and the unity or oneness found in this relationship. 

The Bible points husbands to the supreme example, Jesus, as the one who is both the model and also the motivation for loving their wives. So being a Christian husband means becoming more like Christ. Making that your top priority in life.

In light of how Jesus loves his church, how then are Christian husbands to love their wives?

Here are ways in which a husband can love his wife like Jesus.

(1) A Sacrificial Love

We start here with the most obvious. The husband’s love for his wife is to be sacrificial, because Jesus’s love for us was sacrificial. Jesus died for his bride, and so the husband must be willing to do the same. 

Many husbands would say they would die for their wives, But the essence of the sacrifice could be pressed home further. Would you live sacrificially for his wife? Will you die to yourself and your self-interest to put your wife first?

Loving her sacrificially means a willingness to give up some things in order to make her more important. Are you willing to sacrifice making more money? Having less man toys? Going hunting or fishing less often? Staying home more? Doing what she wants to do? Taking time to talk to her, listen to her?

(2) A Serving Love

Jesus served the church. This love wore an apron. He served his bride, the church, with his life and death. We read in Mark 10:45, “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Likewise, the husband, the leader, is to serve his wife. He is to, like Jesus, be willing to set aside his interests when presented with the opportunity to serve his wife. Think about it. We could never conceive of Jesus being too busy to hear from us in prayer. He is not distracted. He is not uninterested. No, he loves us and continues to listen and help us. He is always doing us good. 

Jesus is not too busy checking his phone, or scrolling through social media when we are trying to talk to him. He is not drifting off thinking about hobbies or work when we are pouring our hearts out to him in prayer.

He is not daydreaming when we are laying bare our weaknesses before him. No, he is present, faithful, caring, and serving. As husbands we are to likewise with our wives.

He is attentive and sympathetic. The danger for marriages is not that the husband would love another woman more than his wife; it’s that he would love himself more than his wife.

(3) A Faithful Love

Jesus is faithful to his church, his bride. Likewise, the husband, if reflecting Jesus, must be faithful to his wife. We read in verse 31, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

This one-flesh union is a life of commitment and faithfulness. It means she comes before your family, or her family or even your kids. You are committed to her through sickness and health, rich or poor, better or worse.

In Paul’s time, just as in our own, people changed partners without a second thought. The Christian marriage, and the love the husband offers his wife, is to be a committed and faithful love. 

(4) An Understanding Love

Jesus knows us and understands us. He knows what makes us tick. He knows our weaknesses. Peter reminds husbands in 1 Peter 3:7 to “live with your wives in an understanding way showing honor” (to her). 

This word “understanding” refers to knowledgable love. The husband should be well-acquainted with his wife. He should be working hard to know and understand her. The husband must be forever studying and learning about his wife. 

I’m a lifetime student at the University of Vikki my wife. I’ll never graduate or get a diploma; I’m a lifetime learner. I’m always trying to learn how to best love and serve her. Become curious about what makes your wife happy, what she loves, what she struggles with, what her fears are and how she likes to communicate.

(5) A Caring Love 

Paul writes, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” 

The husband’s love for his wife should reflect his care for his own body. 

Paul offers two keywords to describe this: nourish and cherish. A husband cares for his wife by nourishing her heart, much like a gardener nourishes his plants. Do you even know what nourishes her heart? If not start paying attention, ask her questions that can help answer that question.

This requires you to pay attention to her, to talk with her, to know what her hopes and fears are, what dreams she has for the future, where she feels vulnerable or ugly, and what makes her anxious or gives her joy.  A husband cherishes his wife in the way he spends time with her and speaks about her, so that she feels safe and loved in his presence. 

Richard Phillips in his commentary on this passage of Scripture in Ephesians says “In my experience, a husband’s caring love is one of the greatest needs in most marriages. [A] wife’s heart is dried up by a husband who pays her little attention, takes no interest in her emotional life, and does not connect with her heart.”

You connect with her heart by opening up your own heart to her. When you open up and talk about the struggles, the hurts, the dreams you have she feels closer to you. Then listening to her and asking her to share her heart.

Another way this happens is by praying together and sharing prayer requests with each other.

(6) A Sanctifying Love

You’ll notice that much of what Paul refers to here involves Jesus’s care for us spiritually. I don’t think this means that the husband is the only one responsible for seeing his wife grow in godliness.

But, The husband is given the privilege and charge to see his wife grow in godliness. There are other means God has provided like the local church, but it is the husband’s responsibility to ensure that it happens in his home. He is to be concerned with his wife’s spiritual growth. He is to share Jesus’s burden for his wife’s holiness. 

He directs his love toward her godliness. This love then will show itself in your conversations, in family devotions, in prayer, in church attendance, in church participation, in serving, and the overall tone of the home. 

Christian husbands can excel in many areas of love but drop the ball at this point and, as a result, not fulfill their charge from the Lord. 

Husbands, are you taking the lead in pointing your family, and especially your wife, to the Word of God and the God of the Word?

Most men struggle with this, and a big reason why, is that they don’t think they know enough or are mature enough in their faith. Let me just say here that one of the best ways that you can love your wife is by loving Jesus, by taking that relationship seriously and making it a priority. As you grow, so does your family.

(7) A Leading Love

Jesus left us a pattern to follow. If we want to be Christlike, then we must reflect his leadership:

And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:42-45)

The Christian husband’s love for his wife is not to look like a Roman occupation. It’s not a page out of the popular business handbook. It’s not about self-fulfillment but self-sacrifice.

Practically speaking, this means that husbands and wives are not allowed to delay obeying God’s commands until their spouses fulfill their God-given roles perfectly. No, both the husband and the wife each individually have to choose to follow and obey Jesus’ ways.

(8) An Enduring Love

Jesus doesn’t quit on his bride. Isn’t that good news? Too many Christian marriages tap out when things get hard. We mustn’t do this. We are to stay on the field and work it out, continuing to press on and go to the end. Jesus motivates us to endure amid and through hardship.

If you are in a difficult time in your marriage don’t give up. Do what you can, and let God have what you can’t control.

Get help, counseling, a mentor, trusted christians to pray with you. Now I also know that this does not always work. Sometimes marriages come to an end. It takes two people to truly reconcile and if one chooses not to do that, you sometimes have to have an ending.

However even after an ending there can still be room for forgiveness and reconciliation. That’s why it’s so important to take care of yourself after this. Have good boundaries in place and surround yourself with godly people that will love and support you.

Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.

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A Word to Wives from God’s Word

The Apostle Paul writes about marriage here in the letter to the Ephesian church. Paul knows that we need constant reminders on how to follow Jesus, and how to treat each other, especially in the marriage relationship.

Paul is reminding the Ephesians and us today that our marriages should be different from the world. Let’s take a look at some keywords that Paul uses when it comes to wives and marriage. In my next post I will share what husbands are to do.

Ephesians 5: 22-33 ESV 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

  1. Wives submit to your husbands.

This word submission does not sit well with most people these days.

The meaning of this word comes from a military word meaning to arrange under or to be under and to lift up and support.

Submission is a big part of being a follower of Jesus, we submit to Jesus, we come under his leadership and serve Him, both men and women.

Paul is saying to wives to have this same mindset when it comes to your husband.

  • Submission Does not mean that a wife is unequal – Galatians 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. 

We are all equal in value, significance, acceptance under God.

  • Submission Does not mean a wife must always agree with her husband – Acts 5:29 But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men.

There will be many times you will not agree. It’s clear you should obey God rather than your husband if he is asking you to do something against God’s word. 

Just be cautious how you disagree and push back. You can disagree and still show respect. You can set boundaries and still love.

  • Submission Does not mean a wife has no influence over her husband. 1 Peter 3:1 “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives”

Wives, you can have a huge influence in your husband’s life by how you live your life. If he is a non believer your submission to him and respect for him will have spiritual influence in his life.

  • Submission Does not mean a wife should ever live in fear of her husband. 1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”

What does it mean to submit to your husbands?

“Submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.” John Piper

It’s the disposition to follow a husband’s authority and an inclination to yield to his leadership. It is an attitude that says, ‘I delight for you to take the initiative in our family. I am glad when you take responsibility for things and lead with love.

This also means that there may be times where you do have to lead the family when he is not around, or he is struggling, sick. You are a team and work together in all things.

The first part of that definition is to honor and affirm. Another word I like here and that Paul uses at the end of this section on marriage is respect.

There are many ways to honor and affirm your husband. To show him respect. Believe it or not most men would much rather be respected than loved. 

But how do you actively respect your husband?

  1. Watch what you say.

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. – Colossians 4:6

A wife’s words of affirmation have more weight and power than anyone else in their world. Especially when you are around other people. You should always speak kindly and positively about your husband to others. 

If you are having problems at home be careful who you share that with. It needs to be trusted Christian friends, a counselor, pastor or mentor. It needs to be in the right setting.

Wives, you need to watch the words you say to and about your husbands. Think before you speak. Your words need to edify him and build him up. For most men your positive encouraging words are fuel for their souls.

He wants you to be proud of him, believe in him, trust him. He wants to know you are in his corner and have his back, because he will do that for you.

  1. Let him know when he has done something well.

Your husband needs to hear when he has done something well. He needs to know that you notice him and the steps he’s taking. Most wives are very good at seeing when he doesn’t do something right. It’s OK to point that out if done in the right way. But not if you are not also cheering him on and thanking him when he does something well. Even multiple times.

The point is don’t always be negative. That will shut him down and cause him to withdraw almost every time. Try to say more positive things than negative things.

3. Recognize that he isn’t perfect.

There may be times that you don’t agree with a decision or direction…and there will be times that you were right. Don’t rub this in his face. Choose grace and humility. 

Respect means calling him to step up to his potential

This doesn’t mean being your husband’s Holy Spirit, but it does mean encouraging him to step up into the man that God has called him to be. Respect means caring enough to have difficult conversations that call him to draw closer to Christ. It means believing in who he is and who he can become.

Again don’t criticize but encourage. If you are critical of his leadership it will push him further away and he will just start deferring to you.

This is where understanding his giftings, talents and abilities is important and how your gifts, talents and abilities can compliment him and help him. 

Talk as a couple about what you are good at and not good at. That can help define who does what in the household. Finances, Cleaning, Cooking, Yardwork, 

That also means that he is not the perfect hallmark husband and never will be. Give him a break, give him grace. Believe the best about him and trust him. 

When he does something that hurts you, pray before you confront. Get in the right frame of mind and try not to let your emotions lead, but lead with submission and respect. Most men appreciate when you are direct and clear with what the problem is, but not when you are emotional or out of control.

Men can’t read your mind, so help him out. Not just hinting, but clearly say what the problem is or what happened that hurt you.

4. Watch your non-verbal language.

Did you know that non-verbal language makes up about 93% of our communication? Our tone of voice and body language are huge indicators of our respect level. Do you roll your eyes? Do you cross your arms? Do you look away when he is trying to talk with you?

This is one we have to constantly work on and need to keep reminding ourselves of. It’s hard to get right, but it’s so important that we do.

5. Seek to understand.

Don’t assume the worst. Assume the best and seek to understand his heart. Rather than seeking to be understood, you need to truly hear where he is coming from. It’s often a much better spot than you think.

Ask clarifying questions, don’t drill him with questions and make sure it’s not accusations. That will shut him down. Ask questions that will give him a chance to explain what happened or what he meant. 

This may be difficult, but ask a question and wait. You may even need to give him time to get back with you if he’s not in the right frame of mind. Giving permission for that can help him take time to answer right.

6. Be trustworthy.

While this needs to be in all areas, one example is in finances. Some wives that I have talked to hide purchases and packages from their husbands. This is dangerous. How can your husband feel respected (or even trust you) if you are deceptive in this (or any) area? When this happens, trust begins to erode. 

Men, if this happens it might mean that she is afraid of you and that’s a problem. Openly discuss your finances so there are no secrets and she knows where you are with the finances. 

As I said before, most men like when you are direct and to the point. Being trustworthy means you are not hiding things from each other. That you can talk about anything. If that is not your relationship, you can start to build trust slowly by being truthful in the little things. Admitting when you make a mistake, before being caught. Doing what you say you will do. 

When you show a man respect, he will trust you more.

7. Pray for your husband.

Pray for his heart and for his mind. Pray that God would protect him and cultivate a man who loves the Lord and is obedient to Him. Pray for his work and the place that he works, pray for him to have godly wisdom as he leads at work and home, pray for God to protect him from temptations and give him courage to follow Jesus everywhere he goes.

If he is not a believer, pray for his salvation. If he is a believer, pray for his relationship with Jesus to grow, for God to bring other godly men into his life, for God to speak to his heart.

God is the only one who can transform our hearts and we need to trust that God is in control. 

8. Have a gentle spirit.

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 1 Peter 3:3-4

Cloak yourselves with gentleness, grace, and humility. This is what will speak to your husband’s heart. “Gentle spirit” doesn’t mean being weak, but it does mean a spirit filled with humility and love.

Pray that you would be able to show respect, even when it’s difficult.

There will be times where showing respect isn’t easy. In these times you need to make sure that you are walking hand in hand with the Holy Spirit, having him guide your tongue, your thoughts, your actions, and your heart.

Just like with love, respect is a verb. It’s an active choice.

Wives, you have the ability to build your husbands up or tear them down. When you choose respect, you set a gracious tone to your home and your marriage.

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Five ways to work on your marriage

As we start a new year many people are thinking about what they want to work on or improve in 2023. For those of us that are married that relationship is often something we would like to improve. Every marriage has difficulties and challenges, that’s normal. The reality is that many couples don’t work through issues and let them pile up over many years.

As you start your new year I hope you will set a few goals, or ideas on how you can work on the most important relationship you have, your marriage. I would like to share five ways that you can work on improving your marriage. Some of these might click and be helpful and some may not. The point is to work at, and be intentional about being a better husband or wife.

  1. Work at being a better listener.

Most of the conflict we experience comes from misunderstandings or simply not listening. This skill can improve any relationship and make the other person feel more valued. How do I do that? A few things that help me, include turning off any distractions like the TV or phone. Turn to the person and give them your full attention. Once your spouse has shared what’s on their mind, repeat back what you heard or ask clarifying questions. The goal is to understand what they said. You might even ask if they want your opinion or to just listen.

Listening also includes reading their body language and tone of voice. That will help you to understand if this is very important, or are they upset, hurt, or confused. The reason to do this is that good listener also connect emotionally. You can actually acknowledge the emotion by saying something like this: Honey I can see you’re very upset, how can I help? Make it a goal in 2023 to be a better listener, before you talk with your spouse remind yourself to listen more and speak less.

2. Work at being a better communicator

This is another area a lot of people struggle with. Misunderstandings and conflict often happen when things are not clear, or are said in a way that is confusing or even hurtful. For some it might be not talking enough, not sharing and keeping things to yourself. For others it might be talking too much and people get lost or lose focus.

For those that don’t talk much, I urge you to work on talking more with your spouse. Talking is a way to connect with each other and to feel like you are letting the other person into your world. When you think about something try to follow through and actually say it to the other person, as long as it’s not hurtful or mean. If you have something important to tell your spouse you might even practice out loud, or write it down before you have the conversation. It’s also very important in communication to be clear and try not to have serious conversations when you are highly emotional.

For those that talk too much, work on reading the other person. Are they starting to zone out or get distracted? If so, stop talking and ask if they have any questions or input into what you have been talking about. You should also practice condensing your stories and not sharing all the fine details. What is your main point you want to make?

In 2023 work to be more clear and open in your communication with your spouse. By open, I mean sharing at a deeper level, being more vulnerable and honest. That means taking a risk and opening up. If you’re not able to do that, then I suggest talking with a trusted mentor or counselor about how you can work on your communication.

3. Work at expressing love.

You made a commitment to love and to cherish till death do you part when you got married. To improve your marriage, it’s important to express love on a regular basis. That’s more than simply saying I love you. I’m talking about the Five Love Languages: Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Gifts, Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. All of these are important but everyone has one or two that means a lot more than others. Words of Affirmation is by far the top one for me. A word of encouragement is like fuel for my soul.

If you don’t know your spouses love language make that a goal in 2023 to learn what it is, and then work at speaking that to your spouse more often. One way to do that is to read the book Five Love Languages or do a google search and find information about each of the five love languages. Then have a conversation with your spouse about what theirs is and what yours is. I wrote an article about this back in 2015 called How to communicate with your spouse.

4. Work at praying for your spouse.

If you are a Christian then prayer should be an important part of your life. If it’s not then start there. Simply be more intentional about talking with God, share your heart with Him as well as your frustrations. Give him praise and thanks on a regular basis.

Start the practice of praying for your spouse, listen for things you can pray about, share things with your spouse, if they are a Christian that they can pray about for you. Write things down so you remember and try to pray several times a week for them. Keep it simple but work at doing it consistently.

This will be a big step to improving your marriage. Prayer is powerful and affective. Taking a moment to simply say a short prayer for your spouse and kids, with him or her will go a long way to building love, connection and intimacy in your marriage.

5. Work at spending time together.

Most married couples find it hard to have time for each other. Raising kids, working and taking care of the house are challenging and keep us busy. Then add sports, hobbies, getting groceries, and even church activities and there isn’t much time for each other.

In 2023 be more intentional about scheduling time together, whether that’s a date night or simply a quiet evening together each week. Talk about what works for you, and then schedule it. Get a baby sitter if you have to, but try to make this happen more often this year. Also work on being more fully present when you are together. We often are consumed with work, finances, special projects or hobbies and don’t give our full attention to our spouse. It takes work and planning to spend time together but it’s worth it in the long run.

I could keep going but those 5 are a good start. Look for more ideas coming soon.

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Marriage: Finish Strong

Starting a race is easy, finishing a race is hard – Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

So how do you stay married?  More importantly how do you stay happily married, because lots of couples can just co-exist and hang on.

Look at two passages of Scripture 1 Corinthians 13 :4-7 and Galatians 5:22

In Galatians, patience is listed as part of the “fruit of the Spirit”: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law”.

Paul talks about the fruit that should be evident in our lives if we are living for God in Galatians.

In 1 Corinthians chapter 13 he goes into detail about the meaning of love, which is the key to staying married. in verse 4 it says that love is patient and kind. I believe that is one of the keys to finishing strong in a marriage.

The definition of Patience: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Have self-control in difficult situations.

Increasing patience is viewed as the work of the Holy Spirit in the Christian who has accepted the gift of salvation

In the Bible, patience is referred to in several sections. 

  • The book of Proverbs notes that “through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone” (Proverbs 25:14-16, NIV);
  •  Ecclesiastes points out that the “end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride” (Ecclesiastes 7:7-9, NIV); 
  • In the book of James, the Bible urges Christians to be patient, and ” see how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth,…until it receives the early and the late rains.” (James 5:7-11, NAB). 
  •  1 Thessalonians states that we should “be patient with all. See that no one returns evil for evil; rather, always seek what is good for each other and for all” (1 Thessalonians 5:14-15, NAB). 

So how do we practice patience in a relationship, especially the marriage relationship?

1.  Remind yourself that things take time. People who are impatient, are people who insist on getting things done now and don’t like to waste time. However, some things just can’t be rushed. 

  • Think about your happiest memories. Chances are, they were instances when your patience paid off, like when you worked steadily toward a goal that wasn’t immediately gratifying, or took a little extra time to spend leisurely with a loved one. Would you have those memories if you had been impatient? Probably not.
  • Almost anything really good in life takes time and dedication, and if you’re impatient, you’re more likely to give up on relationships, goals, and other things that are important to you. Good things may not always come to those who wait, but most good things that do come don’t happen right away.

2.  Remember what matters. Not focusing on what matters most in this life fuels impatience. You can move the world toward peace, by being kind, generous in forgiveness of others, being grateful for what is, and taking full advantage of what matters most. When other less important things fuel our impatience, taking time to remember any one of these items reduces our tendency to want something different right now.

3.   Always have a positive outlook in life and about your spouse Being positive is imperative to possessing a sense of patience. Believe the best about your spouse. Remember that marriage is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

4.   Expect the unexpected. Yes, you have plans, but things don’t always work out as planned. Accept the twist and turns in life gracefully. Keep your expectations realistic. This applies not only to circumstances, but also the behavior of those around you. 

  • If you find yourself blowing up over your child or your spouse accidentally spilling a drink, you’re not in touch with the fact that people aren’t perfect. Even if the occasion is not an isolated incident but is instead caused by their repeated neglect and carelessness, losing your patience isn’t going to make it any better. That’s something to be addressed with discussion and self-control.
  1.  Give yourself a break.
  • Stop holding yourself and the world around you to unattainable standards. Sure, we’d all be more patient if he would always listen, she would stop complaining, traffic flowed smoothly, and people didn’t make mistakes – but that’s never going to happen. Expecting the world to run smoothly is like beating your head against the wall. Give yourself a break!

The Benefits of Developing Patience

  1. Reduces stress levels and makes you a happier, healthier person.

When you learn and practice patience you don’t get as angry, stressed or overwhelmed. You are more in control of your emotions and in a better position to deal with difficult situations with ease and poise.
This promotes longevity and makes you a happier, healthier person.

  1. Results in better decision-making.

When you’re patient you take the time to assess the situation, see the big picture, and weigh any pros and cons. The chances of making a big mistake lessen because you avoid making it in haste. Taking the time to problem solve requires patience and deliberation. 

  1. Helps develop understanding, empathy and compassion.

You are automatically more understanding and compassionate with others when you yourself are patient. Patient people take the time to process what they go through and are able to determine what it takes to overcome obstacles, so they are more understanding of others. This results in better, more fulfilling relationships with spouses, friends, children and bosses. 

  1. Helps you understand and appreciate the process of growth.

As mentioned earlier anything worthwhile takes time and effort to achieve. As the old saying goes “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Planning, growth, evaluation and measurement all take time, and taking time takes patience. 

 Tips on How to Develop Patience

  • Take a day where you make patience your goal for the entire day.

Make a concerted effort to take your time and think about everything you do, be mindful and live in the moment. At the end of the day, observe all the ways in which you’ve made smarter decisions, got along better with others and actually understood what took place. Learn to do it on a daily basis. Developing patience is much like physical exercise because it requires persistence and effort. 

  • Slow down.

If you have the tendency to rush around and try to hurry things up, want things done immediately and can’t wait for things to take their natural course, STOP. Take several deep breaths before you act or make a move. For example, if you’re in a long lineup at the grocery store or in heavy traffic, make the decision to pause and not get worked up. Do some isometrics, listen to the radio, or just enjoy the view. Getting impatient won’t make things move along any faster, so why get worked up for nothing?

  • Practice delaying gratification.

When you want to reach for that dessert, second drink, or buying your tenth pair of red shoes, stop and think about it first. Maybe you don’t need or want any of them that badly after all. You can save yourself some money or added calories. 

  • Practice thinking before you speak.

At times we blurt out the first thought that comes into our heads without considering the consequences. If we’re patient, and can pause and go over what we want to say, we can avoid hurting or offending others. 

A few other tips on Patience:

  • Don’t be patient with bad behavior.  Be patient with how you respond to bad behavior.
  • Praise your spouse publicly, be sincere and specific.  Brag about how great he is or how organized she is.
  • Have crucial conversations in private.  Don’t argue and fight in front of the kids or in public.  Be patient enough to work on the conflict when you both can focus and not be distracted.
  • Try to praise more than admonish – you should praise 3 times more than you admonish.  If all you do is complain about what they are not doing and never praising them there will be little motivation to make any changes.

Being Kind goes with Patience:

  • Kindness always starts with you!  When you are kind it will influence your spouse, children and anyone else around you
  • When you are kind to another person it is difficult to not be kind in turn.
  • Being kind means making their day better.  Are they better off for being around you?
  • It is how you talk to each other the words that you use.
  • Helping when you can, serving them to make their day easier.
  • It can be very simple, a smile, a hug, a kiss, paying attention and listening, giving a small gift, saying I love you, writing a note!

Kindness is intentionally creating and maintaining the right environment in your home so your spouse and children can also be kind to others. 

The goal is to make deposits in their emotional bank account, which means you have to know their love language and what is important to them.

Prayer is important:

Prayer is the last thing I want to leave with you. 

Trying to be patient and kind on our own will not work.  You can do it for a while, but it will not last long term.

Only by involving God can you be patient and kind and all those other things we read about in 1 Corinthians 13

When we pray we plug into the incredible power of God.  It activates things spiritually that we cannot see.

Prayer also changes our perspective and reminds us of what is important.

So I want you to commit to praying for your spouse everyday for the next 21 days.

If you forget, just start again the next day.

Finish Strong!

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Three Relationship Tips

We were created for relationships. God made us to be in relationship with other people, and with him. When we are not in healthy relationships our lives are more difficult, dark, and lonely. In order to improve our relationships with people and God, here are three simple things we can do to grow, and become more healthy.

  1. Spend Time Together – If you don’t intentionally spend time together, you don’t get to know the other person. It’s in those times together, that the relationship has a chance to grow, both deeper and closer. Regular touches face to face, eye to eye, where you talk, catch up, ask questions, encourage and resolve conflict. When it comes to spending time with God, it also takes being intentional. The ways I do that is mainly through prayer, simply talking and listening to God. Reading Scripture is another way I connect with him. Musical worship, meditation and being out in creation are other ways I connect with God. Whether it’s another person or God, make time for each other. Plan times together where you are not interrupted or distracted.
  2. Listen and Pay Attention – This is a huge thing in relationships. Most conflict happens because of misunderstandings. When you are with a person you care about, practice active listening, by asking clarifying questions. Pay attention to their non verbal language. Be fully present by not being distracted by your phone, the TV, or other people. This is a great way to let someone know you care about them, by listening and paying attention. How are you doing in listening and paying attention to God and what he is saying to you?
  3. Practice Forgiveness – No relationship can last without giving and receiving forgiveness. We all are imperfect and make mistakes. We can and do hurt each other, maybe unintentionally or maybe intentionally. Forgiveness is the secret sauce to a healthy relationship. It helps us to keep short accounts and not let things build up. Forgiveness is the beginning of healing and helps us to not keep score or bring up old hurts from the past. Forgiving is not forgetting, but it can lead to forgetting, or to not holding an offense against someone.

I could give many more tips on healthy relationships. The big thing to me is that any relationship that is important will take work. The more work you put into the relationship the healthier it becomes. Anything that is neglected tends to deteriorate. Don’t let that happen to your relationships. Make time and find ways to build up and improve your relationships. You will never regret that effort.

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Why Most People Don’t Have What They Want

 

Cardiovascular problems cause thousands of deaths every day.  The main problem is neglect.  Every day there are thousands of divorces, often because of neglecting problems, and each other.  The relationships and things we neglect are damaged and deteriorate faster than the relationships and things we care for and pay attention to.

Think about your car.  If you never wash it and never get it serviced it won’t last very long.  It will start to break down and soon will quit running.  Or think about a garden that is neglected.  All kinds of weeds start to take over and they can choke out everything you planted.  Our bodies and our relationships are the same way.  If we neglect them they will stop working or weeds start to take over.

So what or who are you neglecting in your life?

The longer you neglect your health, your teeth, your weight, your finances, your marriage, your spouse, your character or your faith the worse it will get.

Why do we neglect things that are important in our lives?  That’s a big question, because most people want to be healthy, most people want a great marriage, most people want financial freedom, most people want a good reputation, most people want a closer relationship with God.  The problem is most people are not willing to do the basic principles that lead to health, growth and success in those areas of their lives.

It takes discipline to lose weight and get healthy, it takes discipline to work on your marriage and become a better person, it takes discipline to get out of debt and be generous, it takes discipline to grow in your faith and trust in God.

Our natural tendency is to do what’s comfortable and easy.  We avoid conflict, we avoid the scales and going to the doctor.  We eat our favorite foods and only think about exercising.  We avoid having that conversation or going to a trusted advisor for counsel.  In other words we neglect some of the things that are most important in our lives and stay busy with things that don’t improve those parts of our lives.  Many people simply hope it will get better or that the problem will just magically go away.

So what should a person do if they have areas of their lives that have been neglected and damaged?  Here are a few simple steps that can help get you back on track:

  1. Set some goals – We all have two choices, making a living or designing a life.  When you write down goals and review them often you are paying attention to parts of your life that you want to improve.  The first step in improving an area of your life is to pay attention to it.  The ultimate reason for setting goals is to keep us focused on the things that will bring out the person God created you to be.  To be a better man or woman, husband or wife, father or mother, son or daughter.  Setting goals is the first step toward being a better person.
  2. Ask for help – Trying to accomplish major changes in your life is very difficult without the help of others.  Whether it’s losing weight, reconciling a marriage, improving a relationship, transforming your financial condition or deepening your faith, find trustworthy people that can walk with you.  Find people that want something for you not something from you.  Look for people of integrity, honesty and character.  Remember that God created you and has a purpose for your life.  Talking to God and reading His words in Scripture can be a huge help in making changes in your life.
  3. Think long-term – Short-term fixes don’t work.  Cutting out carbs might help you lose some weight but long-term weight loss only happens if you change the way you eat and exercise for life.  The same in relationships, you can learn to do some nice things for each other but if you don’t address your core issues your right back in the same place a year later.  Address why you eat too much, address why you get so angry, address why you spend so much money.  That is the hard part of change, not just putting a bandage on the wound but cleaning it out and stitching it up.
  4. Don’t give up – The hard work is always worth it.  When you exercise on a regular basis you get sore and hurt for a while, but as your muscles and lungs and heart get stronger you feel so much better.  When you learn what your hot buttons are and how you defend yourself, then you can start working on changing your responses, which will improve your relationships.  Put in the hard work, face your fears, keep pushing to get better and don’t give up.

So if you’ve been neglecting areas of your life start making plans to change that today.  A year from now you will be glad you did.

 

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How to Communicate with Your Spouse Part 1

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When it comes to communicating with your spouse or anyone you are close with, the five love languages are a great place to start.  If your spouse feels loved then communication tends to be better and easier.  If they do not feel loved, communication will breakdown.

So let’s take a look at the five love languages.  You can read more about these in Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages

  1. Words of Affirmation

A compliment speaks a Thousand Words! – It’s nice to get compliments from your co-workers, your boss, your friends, your parents or your children, but nothing compares to a compliment from your spouse.

  • This love language helps encourage and give courage to your spouse.
  • If it’s their main love language a simple compliment or word of encouragement can fill a tank for days.

Control that Biting Tongue – Words can kill, damage and destroy.

  • Proverbs 12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
  • Proverbs 12:25 An Anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.
  • Proverbs 15:4 The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
  • Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
  • James 3:8 but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. Read that whole chapter!

Dispel Dominance – Real love makes requests, not demands.

  • When you tell your spouse what needs to be accomplished and do so by lashing out over-assertive words, even if you mean well, you will make your spouse feel Stupid and your words seem to belittle their know-how.
  • But if you make a humble request to your spouse, you are affirming their worth and abilities.
  1. Quality Time
    • Being close does not mean being together.
      1. Togetherness involves more of a connection than just being in the same room or the same house.
      2. Togetherness is when you are paying attention to each other while your together. Your giving your full focus, your fully present and engaged and listening.
  • It doesn’t mean you have to always be talking, it could be having a conversation and then going on a walk together, or watching a favorite TV show together or wash the dishes together or prepare food together.

Talk less, listen more

  • Ask questions and make sure you are paying attention. For men, don’t try to fix things, just listen repeat back some of the things she is saying and ask some questions if needed.
  • A great way to allow for this to happen is to ask your spouse how their day was and then shut up and listen.
  • Your spouse needs to be able to talk to you about what’s going on in their world – at work, at home with the kids, with family or friends.
  • Just 5-10 minutes of this can change the entire evening and atmosphere of the home.
  1. Receiving Gifts

Gifts: a Remembrance, a Symbol of love

  • Gifts can make a spouse feel important, cherished and sweetly remembered.
  • If this is a primary love language this will make his/her day and make them feel special, loved and secure.
  • It’s not as much how much you spend, it’s the fact that you thought about them and took the time to get them something.
  • It’s knowing your spouse well enough to know what they really like

The Gift of Self

  • Sometimes you need to give the gift of yourself by being fully present for your family.
  1. Acts of Service

In Everything you do, do it for Love

  • A husband helping with household chores like laundry, doing dishes, cleaning the house, taking care of the children etc or a wife fixing a leaking pipe, mowing the yard, fixing an appliance.
  • These need to be things that are not you normal household duties that you have agreed on.
  • Again it is when you notice something that needs done and do it without being told.
  • It sends a message that you are important to me, our home is important to me, our children are important to me.
  1. Physical Touch

Hold her when she cries

  • This can be hard for most men as they don’t know what to do when she is upset.
  • A loving husband will not turn and leave, go smoke, get a drink or give a lecture – he will hold her in a tight embrace, run his fingers thru her hair, maybe kiss her head, stroke her hand and make her feel safe in the power of his arms.
  • A physical touch can make or break a relationship – It can communicate love or hate

Touch as if it’s always the first time

  • Touch gives an emotional boost
  • It keeps the fire ablaze – is soothing and healing
  • For men physical touch includes sex but more than just the act of sex it’s the touching by both along the way.
  • Slow down and enjoy each other.
  • Just like a child needs physical touch in order to develop, adults need touch to stay emotionally and mentally healthy.

Talk to your spouse about what their love language is and what yours is

Tell your spouse what is most meaningful to you – don’t make them try to figure it out – (Women)

All of these are important even if it’s not a primary language

Start today, tonight before you go to bed.

 

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Top Ten Relational Needs

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This week I taught a class entitled “The Top Ten Relational Needs”.  It is based on a workbook by that title from Great Commandment Network. 

God made us with needs, and God promised to meet those needs.

“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19

Paul is telling us that God is willing and able to meet all of our needs. It also acknowledges that we all have needs as human beings

Neediness is a characteristic of our God-given identities.

Physical needs:

  • Food
  • Water
  • Sleep
  • Oxygen

Spiritual needs:

  • To experience God’s love
  • To experience God’s forgiveness
  • To experience God’s peace
  • Only God Moments

Here are the Top Ten Relational Needs:

  • Acceptance
  • Affection
  • Appreciation
  • Approval
  • Attention
  • Comfort
  • Encouragement
  • Respect
  • Security
  • Support

These needs are the same for anyone, no matter where your from, no matter how young or old you are.

It’s OK to have needs, it doesn’t mean your weak.  When we understand our needs, it humbles us and builds our character.

Only God and other people can meet our needs.  Why did God create us this way?

  1. Our neediness Encourages us to depend on God and look to him to meet our needs
  2. Our neediness encourages interdependence – We are not robots, we have feelings and emotions and our neediness requires us to have healthy human relationships. We are here to serve one another.
  3. Accepting the reality of our needs helps us to develop a heart filled with compassion for others
  4. Admitting our needs frees us to receive and give care.
  5. Meeting the needs of others expresses care and produces unity in the body of Christ

My question for you is this.  Of the top ten relational needs listed above, which three are most important to you and which three are most important to your spouse or significant person in your life?  If you can figure that out and then communicate clearly to each other about it, your relationship will begin to improve.  You can control whether or not you are meeting these needs with others, you cannot control whether others will meet your needs.  However, if you are loving and serving the other person the likelihood of them meeting your needs goes way up.  If your too needy, that pushes everyone away from you.  You have to first meet the needs of others and show that you can do it in a healthy way.

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The Power of Forgiveness

One of the most powerful and helpful things we can do to be healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually, is to practice forgiveness.  Forgiveness enables a person to release buried anger, resentment, bitterness, shame, grief, regret, hate and other damaging emotions that live inside of us.  Forgiveness releases layers and years of hurt and begins the healing process.  Forgiveness leads to an ability to love well.

It is important to know what forgiveness is and what it is not.

  • Forgiveness is not forgetting – Forgetting is a long-term by-product of forgiveness.  Once you choose to forgive someone, then healing and forgetting the hurt can start to happen.
  • Forgiveness is a choice – Everyone can choose to forgive, but typically we don’t feel like forgiving, because we like to hold onto our anger or resentment in order to protect ourselves.  When we don’t forgive we stay chained to our past.  Nobody can fix your past, but you can be free from it, it is your choice.
  • Forgiveness is agreeing to live with the consequences of another person’s sin – We all have had someone hurt us and we can either live in the bondage of bitterness or the freedom of forgiveness.  No one gets off God’s hook, we all have to give an account for our actions and there are always consequences for our actions.
  • Forgive from the heart – Just saying the words I forgive you is not enough.  It’s important to bring back up the painful emotions and memories of the person that hurt you so that those emotions can be healed and not buried.
  • Forgiveness is choosing not to hold someone’s sin against him or her anymore – This does not mean that you put up with abuse, we all need healthy boundaries and there are consequences for sin.  This means that we won’t bring up old offenses after forgiving someone.  Remember that God freely forgives us and does not hold our sins against us.
  • Don’t wait until you feel like forgiving – Most people will never get there.  Make the hard choice to forgive, even if you don’t feel like it.  Once you choose to forgive, the hold on you is broken and God can start healing your damaged emotions.

We should never base our decision to forgive on a person’s good behavior compensating for previous hurtful behavior.  Forgiveness is something that happens inside of you, it comes from your desire to forgive for the sake of forgiving.  Waiting until a person is worthy of forgiveness will feed your damaged emotions and cause further hurt.

Always remember that it takes only one person to forgive, but it takes two people to reconcile.  You can forgive a person even if they don’t forgive you, but reconciliation always requires the wills of both parties involved.

There is so much more to forgiveness than what is covered here.  Some of the principles I covered come from Neil Anderson and his booklet called Steps to Freedom in Christ.  If your having a hard time making the choice to forgive, ask God to help you.  He can give you the strength to do it.

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Encouragement is Incredible

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Being positive and encouraging people is more important than you might think.  If you want to turn around your workplace, your company, your marriage or your relationship with your children this is the way to do it.  Here are some interesting quotes from a great book called How Full Is Your Bucket by Tom Rath:

  • The number #1 reason people leave their jobs (relationships) is they don’t feel appreciated
  • Bad bosses (spouses) could increase the risk of stroke by 33%
  • A study found that negative employees can scare off every customer they speak with-for good
  • 65% of Americans received no recognition in the workplace (home) last year
  • 9 out of 10 people say they are more productive when they’re around positive people
  • The magic ratio: 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction
  • Extending longevity: Increasing positive emotions could lengthen life span by 10 years

So it’s clear that the majority of people don’t get the positive reinforcement they need.  I believe this is true at work and at home.  Some people are just naturally more positive than negative, but all of us can get better at this.  Here are a few simple things you can do this week to be more positive or encouraging:

  1. Say Thank-you – this simple gesture goes a long way.  Be sincere and specific.
  2. Write a note – hand-written notes take time and are more meaningful than emails or texts
  3. Smile – your face matters
  4. Listen – when you actively listen people feel valued
  5. Slow down – Take some time to actually get to know someone or have a meaningful conversation
  6. Touch – a high-five, knuckle-bump, touch on a shoulder etc sends positive signals.  With your spouse this could be a hug, kiss, holding hands etc.

One thing to be aware of as you work on being positive is to be careful what you are taking in.  What you watch on TV, what you read, what you listen to, all affect how positive or negative you are.  Feed your mind positive good things and you tend to be more positive to other people.

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