Discernment

Discernment helps to do several important things:

  1. Discover what’s under the surface.  Discernment enables a person to see a partial picture, fill in the missing pieces intuitively, and find the real heart of a matter. You can dig beneath what’s happening on the surface.
  2. Sharpen your problem solving ability.  The closer a person is to their area of gifting, the stronger their intuition and ability to see root causes. Discernment helps you know what the real problems are. Good discernment also helps to resolve conflict in a more healthy way.
  3. Evaluate your options, and make better decisions.  Discernment enables you to use both your gut and your head to find the best option for your family or your organization. It helps you to slow down and think clearly before making a decision.
  4. Multiply your opportunities.  People create their own “luck” as the result of discernment, that willingness to use their experience and follow their instincts. Doing that often leads to new discoveries and new opportunities.

To improve your discernment, do the following:

  • Pray and ask God to give you discernment.
  • Learn from past successes and failures.  
  • Learn how others think and practice empathy.
  • Ask good questions, and actively listen.

What Keeps us From Hearing From God?

Most people that profess to be Christian, or following Jesus Christ, have a desire to hear from God. Many would say they don’t hear from God, or that he never speaks to them. I firmly believe that God speaks to us on a regular basis. I also believe there are some things that keep us from hearing from God.

  • Pride – We don’t think we need God. We don’t want to bother God, or we think we can handle most things on our own.
  • Self-Focus – When you’re self absorbed, the world revolves around you and your problems, circumstances and issues. When we think more about ourselves than others or God it’s difficult to hear anything else.
  • An un-surrendered will & life – This is huge. When there are things in our life that we have not surrendered fully to God, they have influence and control in our lives. It ties in with the pride and self-focus we just talked about. To do this it means completely trusting God with everything you have.
  • Not believing God will speak to us – Some people just don’t believe God speaks anymore. Maybe some through Scripture, but nothing beyond that. That unbelief will block you from hearing from God.
  • Maybe we just don’t know how to hear from God – Some people just don’t know how to even start hearing from God.
  • Unforgiveness or bitterness – When we don’t forgive others and forgive ourselves it can block us from really hearing from God. That root starts to grow and builds negative emotions that distort and deflect much of what God is trying to speak to us.
  • A non-repentant heart toward God – When we are not repenting from our sins, and being vulnerable and honest with God, it keeps us from hearing from Him.
  • Simply too busy – The busyness of life is one of the biggest culprits to us not hearing from God. There are so many things distracting us from God.

A great place to start when wanting to hear from God is to start praying. Spend regular time praying, which is talking to God and listening to God. Prayer is two way communications. The more time you are spending in prayer, the more likely you will hear from God. However, the most important part of prayer is listening.

To listen to God, you also need to remove the many distractions around you. You need to find a place, and time where you can focus completely on God. Maybe it’s a walk in the woods, or a walking path. Maybe it’s in your closet, or a quiet room. Find a place where you’re not distracted and start listening.

God wants to speak to you because He loves you, you are one of his children. In your time with God ask Him some questions. Prayerfully ask the question and then wait. As thoughts come to your mind write them down. Those thoughts are usually from God.

Here is are some examples questions that I recently did in my time with God:

  • Heavenly Father what do you want me to know in my life right now? After waiting a few minutes this is what came to my mind and I wrote it down: “That I am bigger than anything you will ever face. That I love you more than all of creation and that you are doing what I want you to do right now in your life.”
  • Lord Jesus, how do you care for me? Please show me how you love me. “Chad, I have provided for all your needs and most of your wants, I’ve protected you from things you don’t even know about. I’ve brought certain people into your life to support, encourage and care for you. I am always with you and I’ve given you strength and wisdom for the struggles of your life. “
  • Father God, what do you want me to know about how I am to mentor the people you bring into my life? “Be more authentic and pour more of yourself into these men. Share your story with them and show them how you connect with me, how you work on your relationships – But to do that well, you need to be more consistent in your time with me. Listen more & I’ll tell you more, you will be amazed at what happens when you listen more in our prayer times. “

When you ask good questions and listen carefully, God does speak. The more you do this, the more you start to be even more clear about God’s voice, verses your own voice. Practicing silence and solitude is a good step into this. Reading Scripture is vital, because that is how you know it’s God’s voice and not just your own voice.

God also speaks through other people, so pay attention when someone is praying for you or giving you counsel. Again if you are reading God’s word you can know if what they are telling you lines up with God’s word or not.

So if you are longing to hear from God, start by getting alone with no distractions and pray, but be sure to listen. Have a journal and pen ready to write down what is coming to your mind. If you are stuck, start reading Scripture and see what jumps out at you, highlight it or write it down in your journal. Stay consistent and persistent and see what God does.

Success and Humility Go Hand in Hand

Many years ago, a rider came across some soldiers who were trying to move a heavy log without success. The corporal was standing by as the men struggled. The rider asked the corporal why he wasn’t helping. The corporal replied, “I am the corporal; I give orders.” The rider dismounted, went up and stood by the soldiers and as they were lifting the log, he helped them. With his help, the log got moved. The rider quietly mounted his horse and went to the corporal and said, “The next time your men need help, send for the Commander-in-Chief.” After he left, the corporal and his men found out that the rider was George Washington.

The message is pretty clear. Success and humility go hand in hand. The most successful leaders have a blend of humility and a drive to achieve the vision.

When it comes to leadership there are so many important qualities. However, I believe that humility is the foundation for all the other qualities.

People want to follow leaders who are confident in their direction and capabilities, and can make a decision. People also want to follow leaders who know who they are, and are comfortable in their own skin. But there’s a point at which confidence can slip into overconfidence. The Greek word, hubris, means “dangerous overconfidence” and “exaggerated pride.” Confidence without humility leads to hubris. There is a line that any leader can cross if they don’t embrace humility.

I believe humility is all about mindsets. Here are some key mindsets that drive the actions of a humble leader:

  1. Serve others – When we have the mindset that we are here to serve other people it keeps us humble. True humility is thinking about other people more than you think about yourself. That is a difficult thing to do, because we all think about ourselves all the time. But a mindset of serving others keeps us more aware of the needs of the people around us. It helps us to think about how we can lift others up, and help them in meaningful ways. It’s a desire to improve the lives of the people around us.
  2. Listening – The listening mindset goes along with serving others. If we are not listening to the people around us it is impossible to be humble. It’s also difficult to serve others if we don’t listen with the intent of understanding them better and how we can best serve that person. Listening shows that we care and really want know the best way we can help or serve that person.
  3. Self Awareness – This mindset helps us to be aware of our strengths and our weaknesses. A humble self-aware leader will ask for help and honest feedback. When we ask for help in areas we are weak or struggling in, it shows that we are aware that we cannot do everything on our own. When we ask for feedback it shows that we are aware that we can get better and learn from others. A self-aware mindset also allows us to admit when we are wrong and to ask for forgiveness.
  4. Adding value to others – a mindset of adding value to others goes to the heart of investing in other people to help them get better, heal from past hurts, and draw out the best in them. Humble leaders are always thinking about ways they can add value into the lives of the people around them.
  5. Grateful – A grateful mindset helps us to be aware of the many blessings in our lives, and to be thankful for everything that God and others have done to improve our own lives. Humble leaders are grateful for what has been entrusted to them, and therefore are good stewards of what they are given.

I could keep going with other mindsets that humble leaders have, but this lays a good foundation for anyone that wants to be a better leader at work, home, school or community. Think about what your mindset is like when it comes to leadership and humility. Non of us have arrived and are perfect in this area of humility. We are all a work in process, and when we can learn from our failures, ask questions and listen well, it helps us to add value to others and to be grateful for what we have.


How to Communicate with Your Spouse Part 1

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When it comes to communicating with your spouse or anyone you are close with, the five love languages are a great place to start.  If your spouse feels loved then communication tends to be better and easier.  If they do not feel loved, communication will breakdown.

So let’s take a look at the five love languages.  You can read more about these in Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages

  1. Words of Affirmation

A compliment speaks a Thousand Words! – It’s nice to get compliments from your co-workers, your boss, your friends, your parents or your children, but nothing compares to a compliment from your spouse.

  • This love language helps encourage and give courage to your spouse.
  • If it’s their main love language a simple compliment or word of encouragement can fill a tank for days.

Control that Biting Tongue – Words can kill, damage and destroy.

  • Proverbs 12:18 Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
  • Proverbs 12:25 An Anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.
  • Proverbs 15:4 The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
  • Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
  • James 3:8 but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. Read that whole chapter!

Dispel Dominance – Real love makes requests, not demands.

  • When you tell your spouse what needs to be accomplished and do so by lashing out over-assertive words, even if you mean well, you will make your spouse feel Stupid and your words seem to belittle their know-how.
  • But if you make a humble request to your spouse, you are affirming their worth and abilities.
  1. Quality Time
    • Being close does not mean being together.
      1. Togetherness involves more of a connection than just being in the same room or the same house.
      2. Togetherness is when you are paying attention to each other while your together. Your giving your full focus, your fully present and engaged and listening.
  • It doesn’t mean you have to always be talking, it could be having a conversation and then going on a walk together, or watching a favorite TV show together or wash the dishes together or prepare food together.

Talk less, listen more

  • Ask questions and make sure you are paying attention. For men, don’t try to fix things, just listen repeat back some of the things she is saying and ask some questions if needed.
  • A great way to allow for this to happen is to ask your spouse how their day was and then shut up and listen.
  • Your spouse needs to be able to talk to you about what’s going on in their world – at work, at home with the kids, with family or friends.
  • Just 5-10 minutes of this can change the entire evening and atmosphere of the home.
  1. Receiving Gifts

Gifts: a Remembrance, a Symbol of love

  • Gifts can make a spouse feel important, cherished and sweetly remembered.
  • If this is a primary love language this will make his/her day and make them feel special, loved and secure.
  • It’s not as much how much you spend, it’s the fact that you thought about them and took the time to get them something.
  • It’s knowing your spouse well enough to know what they really like

The Gift of Self

  • Sometimes you need to give the gift of yourself by being fully present for your family.
  1. Acts of Service

In Everything you do, do it for Love

  • A husband helping with household chores like laundry, doing dishes, cleaning the house, taking care of the children etc or a wife fixing a leaking pipe, mowing the yard, fixing an appliance.
  • These need to be things that are not you normal household duties that you have agreed on.
  • Again it is when you notice something that needs done and do it without being told.
  • It sends a message that you are important to me, our home is important to me, our children are important to me.
  1. Physical Touch

Hold her when she cries

  • This can be hard for most men as they don’t know what to do when she is upset.
  • A loving husband will not turn and leave, go smoke, get a drink or give a lecture – he will hold her in a tight embrace, run his fingers thru her hair, maybe kiss her head, stroke her hand and make her feel safe in the power of his arms.
  • A physical touch can make or break a relationship – It can communicate love or hate

Touch as if it’s always the first time

  • Touch gives an emotional boost
  • It keeps the fire ablaze – is soothing and healing
  • For men physical touch includes sex but more than just the act of sex it’s the touching by both along the way.
  • Slow down and enjoy each other.
  • Just like a child needs physical touch in order to develop, adults need touch to stay emotionally and mentally healthy.

Talk to your spouse about what their love language is and what yours is

Tell your spouse what is most meaningful to you – don’t make them try to figure it out – (Women)

All of these are important even if it’s not a primary language

Start today, tonight before you go to bed.

 

A Key to Stronger Relationships

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I’ve been studying the idea of vulnerability and how that plays out in our relationships.   Brene Brown has some incredible insights on this tough topic.  Much of this post is based on her research.

One of the things that keeps us from being vulnerable is shame.  Shame thrives in secrecy, silence and judgement.  However when we introduce empathy, shame cannot grow.  So in order to be open and vulnerable we need to be around people that are great at empathizing and we need to learn how to be empathetic with others.  Learning how to be empathetic is one of the most powerful ways to improve your relationships.

In order to be empathetic we need to be able to see the world as others see it.  This is all about perspective, being able to take the perspective of another person and not our own.  It’s being able to listen to someone and not interject our own experience but to really what to hear it from them.  It’s not one upping the person by sharing what you did or how you messed up.  It’s being able to realize that our lens of life and our experiences are different than others and being OK with that.

Empathy also requires that we are nonjudgmental.   Most of us are  judgmental and we are usually judgmental in areas where we are vulnerable to shame.  We tend to judge people that are worse than we are so that we feel better about ourselves.  We do that because we are looking for validation that at least I’m not as bad as so and so.

Empathy is not our default or natural mode, it’s a skill that must be worked on and developed in order for this to happen naturally.  Empathy is usually very subtle, it can be just a knowing look or going to be with someone in a time of crisis instead of calling to express sympathy.

When we empathize with someone, we go to that dark place with them, we don’t flip on the lights and try to cheer them up and fix the problem or make light of the situation.  It’s like walking up to your friend that is in a hole and going down into the hole with them, but knowing how to get back out of the hole because it’s not your hole.  Sympathy is walking up to the hole and asking what happened.  When they tell you, you express that your sorry to hear that, that’s a terrible thing.  Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.  There is a big difference.

When we empathize with someone, we are creating a safe environment for people to be vulnerable.  Being vulnerable is one of the most accurate measures of a persons courage.  To be vulnerable takes bravery, because it is walking into uncertainty, it’s taking a risk and it’s exposing your emotions.  It takes courage because the reality is you can get hurt when you do this with someone that is not able to empathize or keep things confidential.

However if you live in secrecy, and silence you might feel safe, but are most likely miserable.  When we are vulnerable we are our true self.  We are showing that we are imperfect, messed up, awkward and goofy.  The greatest relationships are the ones where you can be all  of that and the person loves you even more.

So if your looking to improve your relationships, first learn how to empathize better with the people around you. Work on those skills of listening and trying to understand their perspective.  Don’t try to fix them or the situation, but let them know we can do this together.  Then work at being vulnerable with the people in your life.  Expose yourself emotionally by being honest about your struggles and your shame.  When we do that there is incredible freedom and life when we push past our fear.

 

Unexpected Words From God

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Last week I attended a Night of Worship at the Dover campus of NewPointe Community Church.  I am a pastor at one of the other campuses, so it was nice for me to just be a regular guy attending and worshiping.  I have to admit I went to see if I could get some ideas on how to make our worship event better the following week.  As I got there and walked in I connected with a few people I know, but was pretty anonymous and slipped into a seat about a third of the way up.  As the music started I sang, prayed and even raised my hands throughout the evening.  I was also critiquing some of what was happening, making note of things I would do differently and things that I liked.

Then God did something unexpected.  I don’t remember the exact time during the service or what song we were singing, but I heard God say “Don’t Eat!”  I have to admit I was a little startled and confused.  I asked God if that was from Him and if I heard him right.  I heard it again “Don’t Eat!”  That same morning in the church service I sat in on at my campus our senior pastor had mentioned the idea of Fasting as a spiritual discipline.  I have fasted before with other people and by myself.  I have given up TV, sports, coffee, food, meat and movies.  Yet this time was different because God was telling me not to eat.

So I didn’t eat any food for the next three days.  Each day I talked to God and when I asked if I could eat I heard “not yet”.  During those three days, I was hungry and even felt some hunger pains.  Yet each time I thought about being hungry I immediately connected with God and talked to Him.  I felt such an inner peace and strength that seemed to get stronger each day.  This three day fast reminded me how much I take food for granted.  I don’t have to wonder where or when my next meal will come from.  I can eat anytime I want and eat anything I want.  Yet I am not all that grateful for what I have.

It’s the same way spiritually.  God is with us all the time, we can talk to him anytime and ask for anything.  Yet too often we take that for granted and only turn to him when things go wrong or we need something.  Those three days of eating reminded me that I need God 24/7.  That when I am connected to him the temptations are less powerful, the way I respond to things is much better and I make better decisions.

Psalm 63:1 says “God you are my God.  I search for you.  I thirst for you like someone in a dry, empty land where there is no water.”  When I read that I had to admit that I do not pursue God like I would pursue water if I had none.  Am I really hungry for God, desperate to know him more and more?

Jesus said this in Mathew 5:6 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.”

When push comes to shove, what is most important to me?  What takes priority?

God doesn’t need people to evangelize the earth, do missions projects or give away millions of dollars.  He looks for people who will worship him in spirit and truth.  Not just on Sunday mornings or whenever our day of rest is.  God wants people who will worship him in the way they live.  God made us to worship and every day we worship something.

When I hunger and thirst for God and seek him with all my heart, I get a glimpse of how much he loves me.  As I grow, I understand a little bit better the depth of that love.  God’s love for me never changes, yet as I change and grow, I get a clearer perspective of God, the world around me and the people in it.

That all came as a result of hearing two words from God and then obeying him.  What would happen if we would listen to God all the time and really trust him with everything?  What would happen if we did what he told us to do?  What if we would follow his commands and live our lives fully surrendered to him?

On Thursday morning I woke up and knew I could eat again.  The granola with Almond milk tasted better than ever before.  I was grateful for the food I had in the house and once again my mind turned to God and his provision and care for me.   I had a good day with my wife and got some time to rest and relax.

Then on Saturday something happened that I almost missed.  It’s easy to just write things off as weird or a coincidence. I was bored and was flipping through the television, looking to escape into a movie or something entertaining before the Buckeyes came on that evening.  We all know that there are lots of unwholesome things on television and I can get drawn into movies or shows that have too much sex, violence and bad language in them them.  As I was searching, the smoke detector in the room beside be would beep from time to time.  I thought that was odd, but dismissed it because I figured it just needed new batteries.  I ended up watching a movie that was not the best choice.

I told my wife afterward about the smoke detector and as I was telling her I realized the smoke detector is hard wired and does not use batteries.  It has not beeped since then.  Then it hit me, was God warning me, trying to get my attention and help me avoid temptations.  Then this verse came to my mind in 1 Corinthians 10:13: “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 

I wish I had that power I felt when I was fasting all the time.  If only I had paid closer attention to that warning, I could have fed my mind with something much better.  I don’t always turn to God even when he is right in front of me.  I guess that is the human side of us, yet God’s love never changes and he sees me as his beloved son even when I miss the way he gives me to escape temptations.

I am excited about what God is doing in me and who he wants me to become.  The more I seek him and hunger after him the more he can use me to impact and influence other people.  The more I listen and pay attention and then obey what he is telling me the more fruitful my life will become.  We are all in process and when we allow God to drive and we trust him amazing things can happen.

The One Skill That Will Transform Your Leadership

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When it comes to leadership development there are so many resources out there that it can be hard to know what to focus on.  I love reading about leadership and how to develop solid healthy relationships.  Developing as a leader is vital for you to survive in your work environment, your home environment and in your own personal internal world.

There is no magic pill to take to become a great leader.  It takes hard work, patience, failure and learning from experience to become a great leader.  The same can be said of a great marriage or relationship.

The one skill that I have kept coming back to, that makes the most difference is listening.  If I had to name one skill that could make the biggest difference in any organization, family, marriage or individual it would be listening.

When the people around you truly believe you are listening to them they feel that you care and value them.  That creates a place where people feel safe, trusted and valuable.  When people don’t believe you are listening to them, it creates many negative emotions like fear, anger, frustration, helplessness and indifference.

Entire books have be written about listening, but I want to give you a few simple things you can do at work and home to improve your listening quickly.

  1. Stop trying to multitask – When you are in a meeting or someone is talking to you, stop what you are doing, turn your body to face them, look them in the eye and focus on what they are saying.  When you have your computer open or are watching TV or are looking at your phone or glancing past their shoulder, you are sending a message that this is not important to you and that you aren’t interested.  That immediately generates negative emotions in the other person.
  2. Ask Questions – When you ask questions to clarify or find out more, it communicates that you really are interested and want to understand.  This helps to avoid misunderstandings and keeps you from trying to redirect, avoid or be defensive.  When you are seeking to first understand before being understood you will automatically start thinking of questions to ask before you start giving your answer or your defense.
  3. Follow-up – When you follow up with someone or follow through on something it sends the message that you listened.  Even if you cannot do what they asked, it is vital to get back with them and explain why.  Simply sending a follow-up email, writing a note or sending a text are great ways to let that person know you heard them and value them.  When someone tells you something or asks you for something and you never get back with them it sends the message that you don’t care and they are not important.
  4. Respond quickly – When someone sends you a message, whether its a text, email, phone message or direct message, respond as soon as possible.  Even if you can’t give them a full answer, at least acknowledge that you got it and will be getting back to them.  People communicate through messaging and so as a leader it is important to respond as quickly as you can.  It sends a message that you value them.  Find a good system that works for you to respond to all the messages you get everyday – No excuses just do it.

If your focus is on listening to the people around you, you will also start noticing things.  You will pick up on when someone is struggling or hurting.  You can even get some great new ideas.  Listening will also help you be more patient, less emotional and more respected.

If you think about the people you like to be around, it’s people that listen well, they ask you questions and seem to be genuinely interested in you.  Listening is something that’s ultimately done by an individual.  Yet an organization or family can also have a culture that endorses and supports listening in all directions and ways.

One of the best ways you can develop yourself is to become a better listener.  The cool thing is that you can start today, right now, with the next conversation you have.

4 Ways To Growing Your Faith

This week I met with my older brother Brian for lunch.  We don’t get to spend much time together anymore so it was nice to meet with him and talk about what is going on in his life.  He is facing some big life-changing things like starting his own business, being an empty nester and getting involved in ministry at his church.

As we talked, I could see and hear how much God has been working in his life.  He has grown more in the last two months than he had for the last several years.  God really has gotten a hold of him and he is following God with all his heart.  As I heard him talk about how close he felt to God I got to thinking about how many people aren’t experiencing that kind of relationship with God.  Brian includes God in every decision and won’t make a move without hearing from God.  He works hard at what he knows he should be doing and waits on God for things he is unsure of.

So here are a few keys I learned from Brian to growing our faith:

  • Listen – Most people are busy and we run from one thing to the other.  We can fill our lives with all kinds of activities that distract us from listening to God.  Brian’s new journey started while on vacation away from the distractions of life.  Say no to some things so you can slow down and listen more and run less.  Maybe its time for a short retreat to listen to God.
  • Read – Even if your not much of a reader, this is a key to growing spiritually.  Most people don’t use much of the brain God gave them.  I know I don’t.  Reading the Bible and books about God, christian living, relationships and even leadership will stretch your mind and help you to grow.  Brian told me he has read more in the last two months than he had in the last 10 years.  He said his mind has been opened up and he is able to learn and grow like never before.  Make a goal of reading a book of the Bible and another book on faith within the next two months.  Reading feeds your mind and is one way to hear from God.
  • Pray – That may sound simple, yet many of us don’t take the time to pray.  When we do its a quick thought or running through a list of items we need help with.  What I am talking about is having a real conversation with God.  Pouring out your heart and opening yourself up to what God wants to do in you.  Start to pray out loud even when you are alone.  Brian has gone on prayer walks and spends time throughout the day in conversation with God.  Make it a practice to praise and thank God every day, confess anything that needs confessed, pray for people that God brings to your mind.  Also pray for God to fill you with the Holy Spirit and for wisdom, courage and strength to do His will.  You might even consider fasting and praying.  Maybe you should get on your knees or even bow down on your face and pray & listen.
  • Do – It is great to read, study, learn and pray, yet if you don’t do something you will not change.  Brian got involved in his church.  He volunteered for the prayer ministry and quickly began leading that ministry.  This helped him put into practice what God started in private.  He started praying for people and God started using him to impact peoples lives.  He did some things that made him uncomfortable and stretched him, and God used it to change him and the people around him.  When you listen, read and pray God directs you in what to do.  God will give you opportunities to influence other people, serve other people, encourage other people and even heal other people.

Lead On

Seven Communication Ideas

Communication is one of the most important skills a leader has. The ability to clearly communicate with the people around you is vital to the success of any business, marriage or relationship.

When it comes to any kind of leadership, it’s all about how you handle the relationships around you. Whether you are at home, work, school or out with friends, communication sets the tone. People want to be heard, understood and appreciated. If you can do that we’ll, you will be a great leader, spouse or friend.

Here are a few ideas on how to improve as a communicator. Do these these things consistently and your relationships will improve.

– understand your listeners frame of reference – this is important because everyone has a different filter. They have different experiences, personalities, hurts and hang-ups. So you need to think about how they might view what you are saying, not from your perspective but theirs.

– know the facts and the truth about the topic – focusing on the facts and truth can help take the emotion out of it. It also will help your listener understand the why behind your message.

– shed light on the issue – you need to clearly explain why this issue is important to your listener.

– get their full attention – you must know the best time to have the talk. Only address important issues when you have someone’s full attention. You might need to make a statement or ask a question that will get their attention. Never use negative tactics like sarcasm or yelling or swearing.

– use word pictures or stories – people remember pictures and stories much better than words. Try to use a story to bring clarity to what you are communicating and why you are feeling a certain way.

– focus on the real issues – it takes work to figure out the real issues that are driving someone’s behavior. Asking questions to try to understand the real issue is important, but you must listen without reacting or challenging them as they answer. Patiently ask clarify questions and even repeat back what they said.

– finally, be interactive – what I mean by that is don’t lecture someone, make it more of a conversation. When you listen before you speak, you send the message to the other person that you care about them. If things begin to escalate stop, take a deep breath and ask a clarifying question. If you cant do that, then you need a break until you or the other person are in a better place to talk.

Communication is something we do every day. If we don’t work at it and improve the way we communicate all of our relationships will suffer. If this is an area of struggle find someone to coach you, it will be well worth the effort.

The Game Changing Relational Skill

Empathy is critical to emotional health. This is the ability to discern emotions in others and then experience, within ourselves, the same emotion. This is much different than sympathy, which is the mental awareness of what another person is going through.

Developing the ability to empathize is important if you want to improve your relationships and get healthy emotionally. Why is it important to be healthy emotionally. Well, I believe that our emotions play a big part in our physical and spiritual health as well. Emotions live inside us and if painful emotions are living inside you they eventually come out in behavior, thoughts and attitude. Unresolved emotions can lead to physical illness and mental damage as well. It also affects your relationship with God.

Emotions should not control us, we should understand and control our emotions. We should not try to shut off our emotions or hide them, that is why empathy is so important. It helps us to connect with and understand other people much better.

To develop empathy we must learn to listen and observe words, sounds and body language. Jesus was amazingly empathetic. He was moved with compassion as he discerned the needs and pain of others. Read Mathew 9:36 and 20:34.

When we can empathize with someone three things will happen:

1. The other person will feel that someone cares for them and is willing to enter into their emotional world.
2. They feel like someone understands them.
3. They feel that it’s ok to be emotional and express emotions, in other words, my emotions are legitimate.

All emotions can be grouped into two categories: Potentially painful and potentially positive. The Bible teaches us how to attune or empathize to these two groups of emotions. In Romans 12:15 it says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.”

When someone is sad, we often think it is important to try to cheer them up. That is our natural response, but what is actually most helpful is to be sad with that person. Seems odd, but that is what empathy is. The people around us will feel blessed when we allow and encourage them to express their positive or painful emotions and we either rejoice or mourn with them.

This life skill of empathy is a game-changer for relating to other people. This skill allows you to connect with people in a way that helps them feel safe and valued. They will actually feel better after talking with you than before. It also helps you to better understand why people do what they do.

As a mentor and a pastor this skill has helped me to help other people. When people cannot process their emotions with someone they end up in a downward spiral that leads to destruction of relationships, and their physical well being. It often causes them to feel distant from God as well. To stay healthy emotionally a person must be able to process and express their emotions to God and other people.

As a leader, spouse, parent, boss, employee, sibling or friend, the ability to empathize will improve your relationships and deepen them as well. Learning this skill takes time, effort and patience. Paying attention to the details, asking the right questions and sometimes just being silent and feeling the emotion the other person is feeling. This can be hard work and frustrating at times, but in the long run empathy leads to better emotional health for you and those around you.