Category: Personal Growth

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Wildlife

Here are some pictures of the wildlife at my house. The two cats are my boys, Winnie and Shadow. Winnie has the white on his neck.

The little tree frog has been hanging out by our back door. This morning I found him on the window sill with a preying mantis. Isn’t it amazing how detailed and creative God was in His creation?

My wife Vikki brought these caterpillar’s in to watch them transform into Monarch butterfly’s, pretty cool.

It was amazing to see how they formed their cocoon’s and began changing into a butterfly. I don’t understand all that, but it reminds me of how all of us need to keep changing. Someday we will have a new body as well. Part of the journey for them is a struggle, but it is that struggle of getting out of the cocoon that strengthens them and helps them to fly.

Part of our journey can be a struggle, but those struggles help us to get stronger, build our character and deepen our faith. The Bible is full of Scripture about our problems teaching and growing us. It all depends on your perspective.




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Success

I was going through some of my files today and came across this quote I wrote down a while ago. It talks about true success. I don’t know where I found it, so I can’t give credit.

Success is:
Knowing a truth and accepting it.
Finding a need and filling it.
Facing a challenge and meeting it.
Losing a life and finding it.
Having a plan and following it.
Developing a talent and sharing it.
Going to heaven and knowing it.

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Peace and War

I love meeting with people and talking about life, relationships, leadership and spiritual stuff. When I meet with people I always have a goal. I either am trying to learn and grow myself, by asking questions and picking up nuggets that can help me become a better person, or I am meeting with someone to help them grow and stretch. I do like to just hang out sometimes, just to be with friends and have fun.

Recently I met with a friend that has really challenged me to read more. He is so passionate about reading and growing as a leader, that it has helped me to get back on track in my own reading plan. He gave me two books to check out. I have started both of them, but the one has been profound for me. I am about half way through this book and it has really spoken to me about relationships and why we do what we do.

Part of my job is to help people in their relationships. Sometimes that is counseling married couples or engaged couples. Sometimes it is listening to friends that are going through tough times. Sometimes it is a divorced person struggling with being single. Other times it is family relationships that are splintered. I deal with and interact with many broken, hurting relationships.

This book hit on a part of relationships that I have observed to be very true. The book is called “The Anatomy of Peace – Resolving the heart of conflict” by the Arbinger Institute. I won’t get into a lot of detail on this book, but I want to share the general concept that I have learned from reading this so far.

The book tells a story about families that have come to an agency for help with their unruly, difficult children. The two leader’s of this agency are very different, yet very much alike. One is Jewish and one is Muslim (that is interesting in itself). The first part of the book deals mostly with the parents and not the teenagers. The parents sit around in a circle and talk. The two leaders dig in and challenge their way of thinking.

What comes out of this time together is a profound truth; the most important factor in helping your relationships go right is the state of your heart. If you have a broken or struggling relationship with a child, parent, spouse, co-worker, neighbor, boss or employee, you need to ask yourself this question; is my heart at peace or at war with this person? That’s right, in the deepest part of your heart, what do you believe about that person and how do you view them? Do you see them as inferior, weak, egotistic, selfish, ugly, rebellious?

From my years of listening to troubled relationships, I must say that most of the time their hearts were at war. When your heart is at war you tend to see the other person as an object or an obstacle to your goal. You don’t see yourself on the same team, but opposite sidelines. When your heart is at peace you tend to see the other person as a person, a soul that matters just as much as you do. A person with feelings, emotions and a heart.

The greatest example I can think of is Jesus. He had a heart of peace toward everyone. He saw every person as a person that mattered. He saw people that were lost and without a shepherd. His heart longed for them and that helped him to minister to people that no one else cared about. He noticed the sick, the outcasts, the slaves and the children. Even the very people that killed him, he was at peace in his heart with them.

You see, your behaviors come from your heart. Your behavior toward a person comes from the beliefs you hold about them. This could be very subtle attitudes that they pick up on. A heart at war will bring out words and actions that hurt and destroy. A heart at peace will bring out words and actions that encourage and lift up.

So ask yourself how your heart is toward that person that has come to your mind as you read this. Is your heart at war? Are you on opposite sides lobbing hand grenades at each other? Or is your heart at peace, and even though you may have been hurt, you still see them as a person? When you see people as objects that are inferior to you, that is an act of war. It leads to battles, not dialog. It leads to wounds not healing.

If you want your marriage to change, then you need to change your heart. If you want your relationship with your children to change then you need to change your heart attitude toward them. If you want to change your workplace, then you need to change your heart toward the people you work with.

How’s your heart these days?

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Stuck

Have you ever been stuck? I don’t mean stuck in a ditch, I mean stuck in life, stuck in a rut or in an addiction. The definition of stuck is to be brought to a standstill, blocked, baffled, halted, obstructed, a state of difficulty or hesitation.

Everyone gets stuck sometime. Getting stuck shows itself in many different forms: Alcohol, drugs, workaholism, people pleasing, food, disease, suicide, death, molestation, pornography, divorce, relationships, rebellion, anger, guilt, phobias/fear, handicaps and loneliness. Some of these seem much worse than others, but they are all a problem. We can sometimes look at our problems and think, “they’re not so bad. I can handle them on my own.” By not seeking help or facing these problems head on we can allow our problems to control us. They quickly become our focus and get us in a downward spiral.

Today I read the story that Major League baseball player Josh Hamilton shared. He was a very talented player and was drafted number 1 overall in 1999 by the Tampa Devil Rays. Soon after that he got stuck in drugs and alcohol. He was in a downward spiral that nearly took him out. After reading that story it reminded me of many people that I have talked to that are stuck in similar things. Stuck in bondage and not living free like God wants us to be.

A lot of people are stuck, the divorce rate remains very high for both Christians and non-Christians. Drug and food abuse are on the increase. Alcoholism negatively affects one-third of all American families. A recent study on molestation predicts that 28 per cent of girls will have been molested by the time they reach fourteen, and by the time they reach the age of 18 that figure goes up to 38 percent. Most people know about life, but they still don’t know how to live life. They may know about God, but not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. They may even have a personal relationship with Christ and still be stuck.

So whatever you are stuck in, God wants to help you get unstuck. The first step is admitting you have a problem. You need to step back and realize that you are not God and that you are powerless to control your tendency to do the wrong thing. Next you need to earnestly believe that God exists, that you matter to Him, and that He has the power to help you recover. Then consciously choose to commit all your life and will to Christ’s care and control. After that you need to openly examine and confess your faults to yourself, to God and to someone you trust. Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in your life and humbly ask Him to remove your character defects. You also need to evaluate your relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt you and make amends for harm you’ve done to others except when doing so would harm them or others even more. You also need to reserve a daily time with God for self-examination, Bible reading,and prayer in order to know God and His will for your life and gain power to follow His will. Finally yield yourself to God to be used to bring the Good News to others, both by example and by your words.

These 8 principles of recovery are found in the Beatitudes in Mathew Chapter 5. Celebrate Recovery is a ministry that uses these principles to help people recover form addictions. There is a group currently meeting in Uhrichsville, OH. You may not be addicted to alcohol or drugs, but you may have other things you are stuck in. Start taking these steps to get unstuck and find some people along the way to help you. Sometimes is just takes someone to hold you accountable and ask you some questions to get you unstuck. Someone to coach you and encourage you. Start praying today that God will bring the right person or people at the right time to keep you moving forward. Don’t remain stuck in the same old stuff year after year. Live life the way God intended you to live it, Free.

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Resolving Conflict

Everyone has conflict at one time or another. If you are married, you probably have a good bit of conflict. If you don’t, then there might be something wrong with your relationship. Maybe you are still in the “in-love” stage of your relationship. Maybe you just ignore it and pretend everything is just fine.

It does not matter if you are single or married, conflict happens at work, with friends, at school, at church and with neighbors. So if we all experience this from time to time, how do you resolve it?

Resolving conflict is something you learn as you grow up. Unfortunately many of us did not have good role models to learn from. All parents make mistakes and we tend to pick up some of the same bad habits our parents had. Some people ignore conflict and deny it is happening, others get loud and yell, others simply shut down or leave. Maybe you had a great role model and have mastered conflict resolution. If so, you can stop reading.

In my experience most conflict comes from either a misunderstanding, a lack of information/unclear expectation or hurtful language. So if you would like to reduce your conflict, start using words of encouragement more, share information openly and frequently and make sure you are clearly communicating your message (Think before you speak).

One of the best things you can do to resolve conflict is to listen. Often in a conflict situation we get defensive and don’t really listen to the other person. If you stop and try to fully understand what the other person is trying to say it often helps to diffuse the situation. A simple exercise that can help in this area is called “having the floor”. Only the person with the “floor” may speak. The speaker must be brief, so the listener can paraphrase. The speaker must not be accusatory or mind read. The speaker needs to avoid beginning sentences with “you”. The listener paraphrases only what they thought they heard the speaker say (without comment, even if they disagree, responding with statements such as “I hear you saying…”). The listener may ask questions or seek clarification while the speaker still has the floor, but may not respond until the floor is passed to them. The floor then changes hands and the listener becomes the speaker. You might want to use an object like a pen to represent the floor.

This simple exercise causes you to slow down and listen, which often helps to communicate much better. If people feel like you are at least listening to them and trying to understand, it helps to resolve the conflict. You can focus in on what the issue really is. Was it a misunderstanding, maybe an unclear expectation or a lack of information. In those cases you can talk it out and get it resolved. You can even agree to disagree at this point, but you are talking and moving forward.

When hurtful language starts flying or maybe a sarcastic tone is used, there is usually an underlying problem. Usually a core fear has been triggered. What I mean by a core fear, is that we all have these inner fears, things like a fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being inadequate, or a fear of being judged or humiliated. When these inner fears are touched by a situation or words, our emotions flare up. We often get defensive and try to make it stop, usually by trying to change the other person. We will say or do something to try to get the other person to stop hurting you, often by hurting them. You see that person as both your problem and your solution. This is the “fear dance” and it doesn’t get you anywhere, it only causes more damage and more conflict.

To stop the fear dance you have to stop hurting back when you get hurt. You have to take personal responsibility for your actions and words. Someone has to stop and listen and try to understand. Start asking questions and explore why the other person got so defensive or why you got so defensive. What inner fear has been tapped? You can’t control what the other person says or does, but you can control what you do and say. By not letting a conflict situation get out of control or escalate you have a much better chance of resolving it.

Resolving conflict starts with each one of us. It means having the courage to admit when we are wrong and ask for forgiveness. It means extending forgiveness to others. It means having some difficult conversations and being clear about your feelings and thoughts. It means taking the time to try to understand the other persons point of view. Resolving conflict helps us to grow emotionally. It is also a time of spiritual growth because we can look to God for the strength, wisdom and courage we need to work on the relationships in our lives.

Sometimes you need a cooling off period before you have the talk. You simply need to let the other person know that you need 30 minutes to cool off and then you will talk. During that 30 minutes ask yourself why you got so mad? What made you go off or feel so hurt. Spend a few minutes in prayer and ask God to reveal what needs to change in you. If you focus on the behavior of the other person and how that behavior made you feel, it will help the other person understand better. When you use words that accuse and attack the other person will not want to try to understand. When you are ready to talk don’t wait, make the call or call the meeting. The longer you procrastinate the worse it will eat at you and the more damage it will do to the relationship.

Resolve away.

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Encouragement

Earlier this week I was out running. About half way through my 3.6 mile run, I was getting tired and thought about slowing down. Then I started thinking about if I was actually running in a race. There would be other runners and people watching. There would be people along the side of the road to encourage and maybe give water. Just that thought caused me to pick up the pace.

Then I started thinking about encouragement in general and how important it is in life. A runner is encouraged by people cheering for him. Sports is like that, when you are playing in front of people you tend to try harder. If people are encouraging you instead of discouraging you are more motivated to improve or finish.

What about life? When noone is encouraging you, do you slow down the pace or give up? I think it is easy to do that and we all need a certain amount of encouragement. We need people cheering us on. We also need to be cheering other people on. When was the last time you intentially encouraged someone? Encourage means to give courage to another. Who in your life needs more courage?

When you think about this spiritually, it becomes even more important. As I was running I thought about how God and all of heaven were cheering me on every day. What if you could hear that? Wow, that would be a rush, to hear Paul or Nehemiah say; you can do it Chad! I thought how cool is it that the God of this universe is cheering me on. That He wants what is best for me, and HE is interested in my small little life. Just thinking about that encourages me. If God is for us who can be against us?

I want to encourage you today; you matter and you are important. You are uniquely created for a purpose and God has a special plan for your life. Keep seeking Him with all your heart and keep growing closer to God by being real with Him. God is in control and you can trust Him, because He loves you. It doesn’t matter what you have done in the past, He wants to carry your burden for you, and wants you to be free.

Go and encourage someone today.

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Leadership Development

My personal life mission statement is “Growing in Faith, Character and Leadership”. I have been using that for almost eight years now. It helps me to stay focused.

This past Friday I was part of a day of leadership development at NewPointe Community Church. It was a live Simulcast from Atlanta GA called ADVANCE. The day was filled with great speakers on various leadership related topics. Since I was helping run the event I did not get to hear all the speakers. The ones I did get to listen to gave me some great insights and nuggets to think about.

I believe we must be constantly growing, if we stop growing we become stagnate and comfortable. To grow takes initiative, effort, focus and time. We need to grow in our personal lives, professional lives and relational lives. My passion is growth. I love to see people growing and changing. It really saddens me when I see someone after a long time and they have not changed. It makes me wonder what opportunities they have missed.

Today I want to talk about growing as a leader. You may not think you are much of a leader, but we are all leaders in some way because we all have influence with someone. If you don’t grow as a leader, your influence with people will not grow and you will not get much accomplished. Leading people is a challenging thing, especially if they are volunteers.

Over the past six years I have been leading in the church environment and have learned a ton. I have learned more what my strengths are and how to maximize those strengths. I have learned that leadership is relationship driven and that it takes a great deal of time to build meaningful relationships. I have learned that I have a lot to learn and a long way to go. I have learned that I need help from others that are further along than I am. I have learned that I need to be held accountable or I get off track. I have learned that when you make a mistake you admit it and apologize and ask for forgiveness. I have learned that I need to say no more often. I have learned to speak up and push back when I do not agree or feel that we are making a mistake. I have learned to keep my mouth shut when I am angry or emotional. I have learned that people will follow a passionate person with a big vision. I have learned that God is in control and I am not.

I could go on but I will stop there. I want to end with some nuggets that I took away from Friday’s ADVANCE Leadership Conference.

“Vision is a mental picture of what could be, fueled by a passion that it should be”. Andy Stanley

“What would go undone if you ceased to exist.” Andy Stanley

“Stop thinking of yourself as a problem solver; think of yourself as a solution finder.” Bill Taylor

“People don’t have to work for you to work with you.” Bill Taylor

“Speak up, never accept the boundaries other people have given you.” Kevin Carroll

“Maximize the day, you have 86,400 seconds in a day, be present.” Kevin Carroll

“Bring your authentic self to people.” Kevin Carroll

“People change for three reasons: Pain, Fear of conscience, Vision.” Dan Cathy

“Going the first mile is what is expected; going the second mile builds a relationship and an emotional connection.” Dan Cathy

“There are things we work for and there are things we wait for. It is a big mistake to wait for something you haven’t worked for.” John Maxwell

“For everything you gain, you give up something.” John Maxwell

“You can easily determine the caliber of people by the amount of opposition it takes to discourage them.” John Maxwell

“People cannot be fulfilled in their work if they are not known. All human beings need to be understood and appreciated for their unique qualities by someone in a position of authority. People who see themselves as invisible, generic, or anonymous cannot love their jobs, no matter what they are doing.” Patrick Lencioni

“Everyone need to know that their job matters to someone. Anyone.” Patrick Lencioni

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Do you need a coach?

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the word Coach. I met with an Executive Coach to talk about my personal and professional growth; I have been meeting with a nutrition coach twice a week to stay accountable on my weight loss goals (I have lost over 8 pounds in two weeks); I am currently coaching about 18 small groups here at NewPointe Community Church. I also coach around 15 volunteer teams.

So what is up with coaching and why is it important in our lives? I have come to realize that I need other people to hold me accountable, encourage me, motivate me and push me to my full potential. On my own I tend to get off track and out of focus. I can easily lose track of the vision for my life, marriage, ministry, health and work. I can do OK and get by, but I can get easily distracted. If you have set up some goals for your life, I highly recommend finding a coach to help you achieve those goals. That can be a little different for everyone. For some people that may mean going out and hiring someone like a fitness trainer or executive coach. Or it may mean finding an accountability partner that will ask you tough questions on how you are doing. Others may need to find more of a mentor to learn from and give them advice.

When I think about a good coach, there are some qualities that stand out. You may think about sports when I say coach, but this applies to our everyday lives as well. So here are some thoughts on a good coach:

A good coach chooses players well. If you are leading people in any way, you are coaching them. A good coach sees the potential in people and can draw out that potential.

A good coach constantly communicates the game plan. They tell people what they expect of them. Give them an opportunity to perform, and be a part of the plan. They let them know how they are getting along, so they can learn and improve and then rewards them for doing a good job.

A good coach takes the time to huddle. Meeting with people on a regular basis is vital in any coaching relationship. I meet with my nutrition coach two times a week. It keeps my goals in front of me and keeps me accountable to do the hard work. Regular huddles improves focus, give you an opportunity to listen, and to make changes as needed.

A good coach knows what his players prefer. People value appreciation for a job well done. People also like the feeling that they are “in” on things. They also want to know that someone cares about them.

A good coach excels in problem solving. I look to my coaches to help me solve problems. I also try to help solve problems for the people I coach. Often times the people I meet with come up with their own solution, but they just needed someone to talk to and think through the problem.

A good coach provides the support needed for success. What I mean by that is you get everyone involved, give plenty of affirmation, simplify as much as possible and create momentum. Often this is done by sharing stories of success.

A good coach commands the respect of the players. The key here is trustworthiness. Building a trust relationship is vital. They let people know they care about them.

A good coach does not treat everyone the same. Sometimes a coach has to be firm and tough. Other times you need to be patient and kind. People all respond to different kinds of motivation and attention. They know their people well enough to understand how to motivate and encourage them.

A good coach continues to win. Good coaches focus on the basics and keep things simple. They focus on skills that will help the team be successful. To win you need to be willing to change and adapt and constantly recast the vision to your team.

Finally a good coach understands the levels of the players. Some players need direction, some need coaching, some need support and other can be delegated to. Knowing the team is vital.

Maybe you need to go find a coach like I did. Maybe you need to be a coach like I am. Maybe you need help in your marriage, your work, your ministry, your health, your relationships. Finding a good coach can really jump start you on your way to improving quickly. Maybe you need to be a coach to others, by sharing your wisdom and knowledge. In any case, coaching is important. If you want to go to the next level you need someone to coach you. Even Tiger Woods has a coach that he meets with on a regular basis. If Tiger needs to be coached then I need to be coached as well.

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Ethics

On Thursday I taught a class on Ethics to a group of leader’s in the Leadership Holmes County class in Millersburg OH. I have taught this class for several years now and I still enjoy the interaction I get. This group had around 23 people. This yearly program has helped to raise the awareness of the importance of leadership development. It is encouraging to see leader’s taking the time from their busy schedules to work on themselves. There are similar programs in Tuscarawas and Wayne counties as well.

Ok, so here is what I talked about for two hours. I know you can hardly wait to read about ethics. It can be a dry topic, but I believe it is a vital part of our work and private lives.

The big “ethical” scandal right now is in Major League Baseball with steriods and HGH. A few years back it was Enron, Tyco & Arthur Anderson. I started by asking the group to do an exercise. I asked them to write down what they would want people to say about them at their funeral. Not what would they say, but what you want them to say. Those usually are not the same, but while you are still alive you can change that. This will help you to focus in on the important things in life like relationships and your character. This happened to Alfred Nobel. One morning he woke up and read his obituary in the paper. His brother had died, but they wrote his obituary. It focused on his invention of dynamite and how many people it has killed and places it has destroyed. Alfred was stunned and did not want to be remembered that way. So he spent the rest of his life promoting peace and eventually had the Nobel peace prize named after him.

I believe that ethics comes down to personal choices and the character of each person. Character really matters! Here are some talking points on character:
Character is more than talk
Talent is a gift; Character is a choice
Character brings lasting success with people
Character doesn’t always get rewarded in our lifetimes
People cannot rise above the limitations of their character

I went on from there and talked about Five Factors that Keep us from Always being ethical. You see, most of us can say that we are mostly ethical, but not always ethical.

The first factor is pressure. Things like deadlines, peer pressure, big opportunites, bad results and financial problems all cause pressure. That pressure can cause us to cut corners and make bad choices.

The second factor is pleasure. The “if it feels good do it” mentality has cause huge debts, bankruptcy, divorce and all kinds of addictions. To fight this factor you need to avoid temptation, pratice discipline, delay gratification and see the end results.

The third factor is power. Power itself is neutral, like money. It is the love of power or money that gets us in trouble.

The fourth factor that keeps us from always being ethical is pride. Ken Blanchard said that pride is the greatest addiction in the world. To fight against pride you need to work on being humble. A good definition of humilty is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking about yourself less.

The fifth factor is priorities. Our priorities can get messed up quickly if we don’t know what our values and vision are. As a business or individual we can get stretched in so many directions that we end up not being good at anything. The Hedge Hog concept from the book “Good to Great” asks: What are you deeply passionate about? What can you be the best in the world at? What drives your economic engine? Answer those questions and you narrow your focus.

I then went on to give five ethical anchors that can help us make ethical decisions.

1. Ethical behavior is seldom a last-minute decision
2. Leading by example is a crucial component for integrating ethical behavior into a corporate culture.
3. The people within an organization must believe in its core values or those values will be worth very little.
4. Personal ethics are formed by our inner-space view of the world around us.
5. Friendships are a key part of shaping and maintaining your convictions

Well, those are the highlights. I also shared a bunch of stories that illustrate these points. I am sure you can think of some as well. I would love to hear about ethical choices you have had to make or lessons you have learned along the way.

Lead ON!

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Goals

This past week I sat down and planned out some goals for the areas I lead at work. This is a normal part of what I do each year, but this year was a little different. I incorporated some personal goals into my work goals.

As I started this process, I realized that what I was planning for work, could impact my family and personal time. It made me think about how I will get it all done (four pages of goals and objectives). I have to be honest, I was a little overwhelmed. So I started listing out some personal goals for spiritual, emotional and physical growth in my life.

I think goals are good, because they keep us focused on the important stuff. However, goals can also get us off track if we don’t mix work and personal goals together. You see if all I think about is work stuff, then that is what my highest priority will be. I will tend to not think about how work can affect family and personal things. If you don’t have a plan for your personal life it will get off track very quickly.

That is why I put my personal goals on the same document as work goals. It helps me to stay balanced as I review my work goals, I see my personal goals as well. So here is my challenge to you. If you have set some work goals for the year, pull them out and add your personal goals to it.

How do you plan on growing spiritually this year? How will you grow more emotionally healthy? How will you get in better physical condition? How will you spend more time with your family? How will you improve your relationships? How will you invest in your marriage?

Write them down and then keep reviewing them throughout this year. Hopefully it will bring some clarity to your priorities and help you stay more balanced in your life.

It also helps to have someone keep you accountable on your goals. Our boss does that at work, so find someone to ask you how you are doing on the personal side. I plan on sharing my personal goals with my men’s group. Then they can ask me how I am doing throughout the year.