Category: Emotional Health

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4 Principles for Healing Wounded Relationships

Healthy relationships are hard work.  In working with people as a pastor, I have found that one of the biggest contributors to emotional problems, financial problems, marriage problems, work problems and most any problem is broken damaged relationships.  A broken relationship will not heal automatically.  Healing a relationship requires care and investment, just like our physical bodies need care and investment in order to heal a wound.  When we take the time to treat a wound, it minimizes the potential of infection and prolonged pain.  Similarly an investment made to restore a relationship will yield dividends for you in the future.

Here are four principles that illustrate the importance of forgiveness in healing broken relationships:

  1. A Wound Must Be Cleaned – All the impurities need to be removed from the wound.  In a broken relationship all wrong-doing must be confessed and addressed.  Each person needs to put all the cards on the table and admit their part in the brokenness.  Hiding things and only confessing what is already known is like leaving the rust of a nail in the wound and only brushing off the surface.  Healing starts by making a full and complete confession if the fault is yours, and be willing to cancel the debt of the other person.  This should be done as quickly as possible, because infection can set in quickly.
  2. A Wound Must Be Rejoined – If the two sides of a cut are not stitched back together, scar tissue will fill in the gap.  Once scar tissue covers the wound it is no longer possible to rejoin the healthy flesh.  Scar tissue limits movement and can hinder the proper function of body parts.  When people separate and do not communicate, scar tissue begins to form.  It makes it much more difficult to function properly and to grow in a healthy way.  When two people come together and begin to dialog about the real issues, healing can begin and scar tissue is minimized.
  3. A Wound Must Be Nourished – When someone is injured the body sends extra blood flow to the injured area.  That blood flow is needed to provide the nutrients and vitamins necessary to promote healing.  Similarly, healing a broken relationship requires deliberate attention and investment.  A commitment to forgive is a commitment to invest.  Forgiveness is the nutrients our bodies need to heal.
  4. A Wound Must Be Protected – When a wound is healing it is sensitive and needs protection.  The deeper the wound the longer it takes to heal and the more sensitive it is.  In a relationship, just because an offense has been forgiven does not mean trust has been completely restored or that additional stress or pressure can be taken.  a healthy relationship needs to be nurtured delicately.  The wound needs to be cleaned out several times and new bandages applied along the way.

The human bodies ability to heal is an amazing thing.  God created us with this ability to heal when treated properly.  Our wounded emotions can also be healed if treated properly.  True forgiveness is one of the most powerful healing agents for damaged emotions that exists.  Forgiveness is a commitment to put the past behind, to leave it there, and to move on.

So what broken relationships need attention in your life?  What wounds need to be cleaned, rejoined, nourished and protected?  Ask God to help you commit to invest in the relationships that you have whether they are broken or not.  Healthy, vibrant relationships are so important for our overall health.  God made us for relationships and we need to do our part to invest in them and nurture them.

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We All Got Junk

One of the things I have come to realize is that everyone has some junk in their lives.  I am not talking about junk in our closets and storage rooms and garages, although we tend to accumulate junk in those areas as well.  What I am talking about is our past.  Each of us has a storage unit called our hearts.  That is where we put things that have hurt us.  That is where emotions get sent that we don’t know how to deal with.  We stuff things into this area that was not meant to hold junk.  When we do that over time it tends to slowly creep out in every area of our lives.  The older we get the more difficult it is to keep our junk in that safe place deep inside us.

What we choose to carry in our hearts can determine whether we take hold of the best life God has planned for us or struggle with the best always being just out of reach.  Jesus showed us the way to keep this from happening.  No matter what happened to him or around him, he forgave everyone of everything – immediately.  When we can do the same, that is when we can live without junk.  Just like the feathers that keep a duck from getting wet, forgiveness keeps us from accumulating junk.

First Corinthians 13:5 says that love does not take into account a wrong that has been done to it, or a wrong suffered.  When we stuff a wrong we have suffered it may sit there for a while and fester, or we keep picking it up and playing with.  Then we try to get other people to pick up our junk by telling them all about it.  They can end up adding to our junk by joining in the pity party or the bashing session.  Hopefully we can find someone that will point us toward forgiveness and God.

By letting things roll off of us like water off a duck, it allows us to keep going in life without getting stuck in all the junk.  It is actually possible to get to a place where nothing offends us.  If we decide beforehand, as Jesus did, that we are not going to stuff offenses into our hearts, it allows us to live with great peace.  Psalm 119:165 says “Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble.”

When we are easily offended, we cannot have peace, but if we are not easily offended, we can live in great peace.  So here are the questions to ponder: Is your heart light or heavy?  Peaceful or troubled?  Are some of the contents of your heart crowding out the peace and joy that God has for you?  This is not an easy process and you may need some help to clean out the junk, but the freedom you experience is worth all the work.  Start letting go of yesterday, start working on humility and forgiveness and see what happens.

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Depression

Christians can be depressed. There I said it, just because we are Christians does not mean we don’t struggle with things like depression and anxiety. Just read some of the Psalms from David in the Bible. “Why art thou cast down, oh my soul?” (Ps. 42:5) “O my God, my soul is cast down within me” (Ps. 42:6). Or even Elijah the great prophet – “O Lord, take away my life” (1Kings 19:4) How about Jonah? “It is better for me to die than to live” (Jonah 4:3). Jesus in Mathew 26:38 said “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even unto death.”

That is some heavy stuff, a depression in which the person almost despaired of life itself. This time of year can be depressing in itself, because of the cold, no sunshine and darkness. So depression has been around for a long time and is not going away anytime soon. I just spoke this week with a man that had been experiencing depression and he was not even aware of how it was affecting him. So how does one deal with depression? For many people seeing a medical doctor is a great first step. Medication can do wonders in helping to think clearly and avoid the extreme lows, but don’t stop there. I want to give some helpful direction for people that struggle with depression from a Biblical viewpoint.

We all have physical, emotional, and spiritual limitations, and we all need to stay within in them. Here are some questions to think about, that may be contributing to depression in your life.

  • Have you been getting enough sleep? – lack of sleep can contribute to feelings of exhaustion.
  • Are you eating properly and regularly? – When our bodies are not getting the nutrients it needs like protein, carbohydrates, vegetables, dairy, (Chocolate is not a food group) it can cause physical and emotional problems.
  • Is your life too busy to get rest and take care of yourself?

So there are some physical things to consider when dealing with depression. We also need to examine how we react to the things around us. The things that happen to us are not as important as the ways in which we respond to those events. Certain responses cause a chain-reaction that can lead to emotional and spiritual depression. Maybe someone disappoints us or treats us badly. Broken relationships tend to be the biggest cause of a improper response. There are three primary reactions that lead to depression according to David Seamands:

  1. Indecision- When a decision needs to be made, do you put it off? Is that your standard way of dealing coping? There is a sense of powerlessness in a depressed person, feeling trapped. Sometimes a person is afraid of saying no because they do not want to hurt another person. Or maybe they are afraid of saying yes and taking responsibility. In any case, indecision often leads to depression.
  2. Anger – one of the best definitions I have heard about depression is “Frozen Rage”. Depression is almost always a result of unresolved anger in a persons life. Unresolved, repressed or improperly expressed anger will lead to depression.
  3. Injustice – Life is not fair and there injustice all around. When that leads to anger and is not resolved, depression is soon to follow.

Here are some helpful ideas on how to deal with depression. This list is not meant to be all inclusive and I always recommend getting checked out by a doctor as well.

  • Avoid being alone – isolation feeds depression.
  • Seek help from others – you can’t do this on your own.
  • Sing! make music – There are some great examples of this in the Old Testament (David & Saul).
  • Praise and give thanks – Thanks God for the simple things like the bird you saw fly by, the snow in the backyard etc.
  • Serve/volunteer – When we help someone else, it helps us as well.
  • Lean heavily on the power of God’s Word – the psalms can be very helpful. Here are some of the most helpful: 6, 13, 18, 23, 25, 27, 31, 32, 34, 37, 38, 39, 40, 42, 43, 46, 51, 55, 57, 62, 63, 69, 71, 73, 77, 84, 86, 90, 91, 94, 95, 103, 104, 107, 110, 116, 118, 121, 123, 124, 130, 138, 139, 141, 142, 143, 146, 147. Take a moment and read them out loud.
  • Rest in the fact that the Holy Spirit is present – Jesus promised us that the Holy Spirit would be with us always.

Depression is real and always has a root cause. It may take a lot of work and help in order to find that root and heal, but it will be worth the effort. If you are struggling with depression, don’t give up. If you know someone with depression, don’t judge them, love them, pray for them and encourage them. Our enemy would love for Christians to remain stuck in depression, because it keeps us from being effective in his kingdom.

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Check Your Gauges

Every time I get into my truck, I scan the gauges to make sure they are all OK. I make sure that no warning lights are flashing and that I have enough gas to get where I am going. It has become almost a subconscious thing for me now. I also tend to watch the mileage to make sure I know when I need to get my oil changed or have the engine tuned up.

I know that if I do that I can avoid a lot of car problems in the future. I also notice when one of our vehicles starts making weird noises and get it checked out right away.

How often do we check our own gauges? Did you know that we all have gauges in our life and that if we don’t check them or watch our mileage, or listen for weird noises, we can have some major problems?

God made us with gauges called emotions. When our emotions start to get out of whack it is like the red lights on your dashboard flashing that something is wrong. The check engine light may come on. Our emotions are designed to help us navigate through life. When emotions become negative and are not checked out, it normally leads to a major breakdown. Things like anger, hostility, resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness and self-hatred can lead to physical and mental breakdowns. Studies have shown that unchecked emotions like this can lead to hypertension, coronary artery disease, autoimmune disorders, rheumatoid arthritis and more.

Anxiety can lead to irritable bowel syndrome, panic attacks, heart palpitations and other problems. These negative emotions also tend to deteriorate our relationships as well. When emotions are out of whack, they can cause us to do damage to the important relationships in our lives. So how do you check your gauges and see how you are doing?

Stress is the biggest cause of emotions getting out of whack. It is the same way with your car, the more stress you put on the engine and the tires etc. the quicker the car breaks down. the more stress you put on a vehicle the more care you need to give it. Yet in our own lives the more stress we take on the less time we tend to give to caring for ourselves. So here are some tips on how to check your gauges and take care of yourself:

  1. Check your attitude gauge – Are you mostly negative or positive?
  2. Check your stress level – The highest causes of stress include:
  • Death of Spouse or loved one
  • Divorce
  • Marital separation
  • Personal injury or illness
  • Just being married
  • Work conflict or deadlines
  • retirement
  • pregnancy
  • change of employment
  • Financial trouble
  • Trouble with relatives

3. Check your joy gauge – do you experience moments of joy daily or rarely?

4. Check your energy gauge – do you feel tired most of the time or energized?

5. Check your sleep gauge – do you get enough sleep or do you struggle to get enough sleep?

6. Check your patience gauge – are you impatient most of the time or patient?

7. Check your love gauge – do you find it hard to love people or easy?

8. Check your relational gauge – do people like hanging out with you or are they avoiding you?

I could share more gauges, but I think you get the idea. Checking our gauges allows us to do the maintenance we need to do to avoid a major breakdown. Self-care is vital, so make sure you are taking time for yourself in the areas of physical, emotional, relational and spiritual. Some simple things to do might be regular times of reading, exercise, dating your spouse, do something fun, attend church, join a small group, volunteer, give to help someone in need, plan a day just for yourself, go see a counselor or meet with a mentor.

There are many ways to take care of yourself, but the main idea is you have to have a plan for doing it on a regular basis. So check your gauges daily and make sure you are caring for yourself, so that you can care for those around you better.

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Relational Intelligence

Wouldn’t it be great if we had signs for people like we have signs for roads? You approach a person and they hold up a sign that says “I just had a big fight with my spouse this morning, proceed with caution”, or “Feeling highly stressed, may explode”.

Maybe at work your boss could have a sign saying “Under Pressure” or a co-worker “Having trouble with my child, Hard to Focus”

We could go on and on describing different signs people could wear. The point is that we don’t get that clear of a message in our relationships. We all have to go through drivers education in order to get a license to drive. We don’t go to relationship training to learn how to relate to people better. A lot of us should get pulled over for not reading relational signs correctly. We often run red lights, don’t merge properly and ignore many signs people are giving us relationally.

Jesus was a master at reading people, noticing people that others ignored. Of course He had the advantage of being God and knowing their thoughts, but we can learn from Jesus’ example. He paid attention to the outward signs from people and could quickly read the motives behind the actions. The problem for many of us is that we are far to engrossed in our own lives that we fail to notice the people around us. We lead busy, preoccupied lives and often miss the bright neon signs someone is flashing in front of us.

This happens a lot in marriage. One spouse is holding up all kinds of signs that are saying we are in trouble, we need help, we are heading in the wrong direction. The other spouse ignores those signs and maybe puts up others sign like things are OK, full speed ahead, we can do this on our own.

God shows us in Genesis 4:6 how to read signs “Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast?” God sees that Cain is upset because of his facial expression. We can also know if someone is angry, frustrated, unsure, scared, disappointed etc from the facial and body expression that people use.

When we tune into each other and notice these little outward expressions, it helps us to connect at a deeper emotional level. Some people are not very good at picking up on these signs and can actually be blind to many of these signs. Often that starts early in life by being shut out relationally by family, school mates etc. They begin to insulate themselves from getting rejected and eventually stop being able to read what another person is feeling. Those who have been abused can also insulate themselves from emotional connections with people.

To regain that takes emotional healing and a lowering of the walls that have been built around the heart. Everyone can learn to read other peoples signs better. Often it is by trial and error, by asking questions and talking about what you are observing. Many times we can sense when something is wrong with people we know well. That sense comes from the non-verbal and verbal communication they are sending us. Simply asking some questions of that person can help to open the lines of clear communication about what is going on.

So my challenge to us all is to pay attention this week. Look for signs like “Road Closed”, “Stop”, “Yield”, “Proceed with caution”, “Slow Down”, “Do Not Enter”.

Life is full of signs and people wear them every day. I love the comedian that talks about “Here’s your sign” that is different, that is us giving someone else a sign instead of reading theirs.

Paying attention, asking questions and knowing when to give someone space and when to pursue them are all critical relational skills. I hope this will also help you as you display your own signs. What are you saying to the people around you? Maybe you need to change out some of your signs to allow people to get closer to you.

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Empathy 101

Are you empathetic? That is a question I have had to ask myself lately. I have been studying this quality called empathy and have been challenged to work on improving this competency in myself.

Here are several definitions of empathy:

“A motivation oriented towards the other” – Daniel Batson

“To empathize means to share, to experience the feelings of another person” – R. R. Greenson

So empathy is to feel what another person feels and to be able to express that emotion yourself. This is a competency that when developed helps you to tune into the other person’s thoughts and feelings. The basic ability to recognize emotions is for most people something you learn as a child. It is almost an unconscious thing you do. Yet it is something that you can improve at and learn to increase accuracy and intensity.

Most people are more able and willing to empathize with people they like or know well. We tend to empathize best with the people closest to us. The more contact we have with someone the more likely we will be in tune with their emotions, unless of course we are not developing this competency.

Empathy is not sympathy. Empathy is more about feelings and sympathy is more about actions. You sympathize when you express how sorry or happy you are for them. If you are a highly empathetic person, you are most likely also sympathetic, but a person that is sympathetic and not empathetic can come across as shallow and will not connect emotionally. Their actions or words comes across as more of a conditioned response than a compassionate understanding.

Empathy has some benefits:

  • Empathy connects people together – you are more drawn to someone empathetic.
  • Empathy heals
  • Empathy builds trust

So how do you improve your empathy quotient? Here are a few things to consider:

  • Pay attention – Are you fully present when you are with people? Do you give people your full attention or are you thinking about your next task or appointment? Do you consciencely look for body language signals when talking with someone? Are you conscience of your own body language when you are interacting with someone?
  • Try to get a sense of actually being in the other persons shoes – What would it be like if this was my situation? What must it feel like to have grown up like they did?
  • Imagine the other person as a child – This can be very helpful for people that are irritating or threatening.
  • Ask questions – What was that like? How did you feel? How did you handle that?
  • Look beneath the surface – What does the other person most deeply want? What is broken in their lives?
  • Slow down – When you are running 100 MPH it is very hard to stop and be empathetic.

Of course empathy does not happen if you don’t care about people. Selfish people don’t empathize well. Many leaders struggle with this as well, because they are highly motivated and goal oriented. Empathy takes time and you almost need to go in slow motion to really empathize with someone. If you see the other person as a project, you cannot empathize well.

The best way to increase your ability to empathize with someone is to spend time meditating on God’s word. Meditation has been proven to increase your ability to focus and pay attention. So if you lack the ability to focus or pay attention, then extended times of meditation on God’s word could help you break through some big walls in your life.

To check your empathy Quotient click here

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Choices Part 4 – The Big Eight

This is part 4 about Choices. The idea is that we get to choose what we think about and how we respond to everything that happens to us.

One of the greatest truth in life is this: It’s not what happens to us (our past, present or future circumstances) or what people do or say to us that determine our emotions. Our emotions, words and actions come from what we think about after things happen to us. We control all of our emotions, words and actions by what we think. Emotions, words and actions are data telling us what we have been thinking.

I have been sharing some of my favorite Scriptures that have helped me over the years to transform my mind and heart. Today I want to focus on Philippians 4:8-9. this verse gives us eight big things for our minds to dwell on.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me, put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

Did you catch the 8 powerful, life changing words? I guess you could call them the Big Eight: true, noble/honorable, right, pure, lovely/beautiful, admirable/adorable, excellent and praiseworthy.

If we can get control over our thoughts and think about such things, it can lead to controlling our emotions, words, actions and we can avoid all kinds of pain and hurt in our relationships. It starts by making the choice to monitor what we are putting into our minds. There is so much available to us through technology that it becomes difficult to filter out the things that do not make that list.

Take a quick inventory of what you have been watching on TV or the Internet. What movies have you been watching? What books or magazines have you been reading? Who have you been listening to? What has captured your attention?

The things we feed our mind affect what we think about. No one controls how we think therefore, no one has the power to control how you feel, speak or act. When we get into unhealthy conflict with someone it almost always is because our thinking has been influenced by our emotions. Conflict is a good thing, because it helps us grow, but it is our unhealthy responses that lead to the destruction of the relationship. Fear is usually the culprit. I will be leading a Marriage workshop in a couple of weeks called Refocus Your Marriage. We will be looking at this idea of fear influencing how we handle conflict. If you are married, I would encourage you to sign up for the work shop at NewPointe.

If we can make the Big Eight a part of our thought process it will spur on the transformation of our minds. Using those eight words as a filter for what we allow into our minds and what gets our attention will bring new levels of peace, love, joy, kindness, gentleness, patience, faithfulness and self-control.


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Spirit, Emotions, Behavior

Proverbs 16:32 says “He that rules his spirit is greater than he that takes a city.” What he means by ruling our spirit is managing or controlling our emotions and therefore our behavior. We are all spiritual beings first and foremost. Our spirit is our inner being, who we really are. This Scripture suggests that it is possible to rule our spirit and not let our emotions rule us.

Everything that we see, hear, smell, touch or taste goes into our mind and is processed for a response or reaction. Our spirit then determines what we will do, this impacts our emotions or soul and then our behavior which is our body.

When we can manage our spirit and discipline ourselves, we can respond to situations in ways that do not hurt those around us. We all have emotions, and we get upset about things that happen to us or others. Just because something is done or said to us that is upsetting, does not mean we have to respond with negative emotions. That is a decision of our spirit, once our mind has given it’s analysis.

When we allow our emotions to run wild they end up controlling us. It leads to all kinds of problems, both physical and emotional. Jesus talked about responses that are not normal, like turn the other cheek and to treat people like you would want to be treated.

Our emotions are like energy or fuel for our spirit. We need them to keep going and to protect ourselves. But like gasoline, they can be explosive and cause damage when not used properly.

So a big key to ruling our spirit is to understand this process of our thoughts affecting our emotions and then our behavior. Our spirit is the decision maker that drives all of this. Ask God for help in ruling your spirit and see how He transforms the real you.

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Ten Characteristics of a Healthy Marriage

As a relationship & life coach I work with couples and individuals daily. In my observations and studies there are certain characteristics of what a healthy relationship looks like. These are some of the important ones I have found in most healthy relationships.

Ten Characteristics of a Healthy Marriage:

  1. Commitment – They have a long-term perspective toward their relationship; tend to persevere when trouble comes up. View marriage as a covenant not a contract. Each one takes personal responsibility for their part in the relationship.
  2. Satisfaction – Both individuals are happy and satisfied with their relationship. This doesn’t mean there are no problems or challenges, or even periods of unhappiness. They work hard at meeting the other persons needs and speak their love language often.
  3. Communication – The way couples communicate is one of the most powerful indicators of marriage health. Being intentional about exchanging information and how they are feeling. Open and honest in their communication. Asking questions to clarify what was meant. Seeking to understand the other person and avoid misunderstandings. The words they use in communicating can bring life or death to a relationship.
  4. Effective Conflict Resolution – Ability to resolve conflict in healthy ways. Healthy couples are good at getting down to the real issues and facing them together. They view themselves as a team working together, not as the opposition. The ability to deal with conflict without criticism, contempt, or defensiveness.
  5. Lack of violence or abuse – Conflict is normal in healthy marriages, but abuse is not. Whether verbal, emotional or physical, abuse is destructive and unhealthy.
  6. Fidelity or Faithfulness – Spouses are sexually faithful to each other; keeping intimate physical and emotional relationships within the bonds of marriage. Even emotional connections to the opposite sex is considered being unfaithful & unhealthy.
  7. Intimacy & Emotional support – They are physically & emotionally intimate with each other. That means being sexually active with each other and connecting on a deeper emotional level through sharing every part of their life with each other. They feel safe with each other.
  8. Friendship – They are spending time together on a regular basis. They are intentional about doing things together and paying attention to each other. They respect each other and enjoy each others company. They like being together.
  9. Commitment to children – Not all married couples have children, or have children living with them anymore. But if children are a part of the family, the couple is committed to developing and parenting the children as a team. They regularly communicate with each other about the children and their development. They are in agreement on discipline and on helping older children. The children are not the top priority, the spouse is.
  10. Spiritual Intimacy – They share their spiritual beliefs with each other. Praying together and as a family and bringing God into the home. Healthy couples are active in church attendance, serving together and in community with other people. Couples that have Spiritual Intimacy together rarely get divorced (Less than 5%). Each one is working on their individual relationship with God on a regular basis.

There are more characteristics, but if these are missing in a marriage relationship, that marriage will struggle.

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Choices Part Two

In my last post I talked about how we think impacts our emotions and our behavior. We all have the ability to control our thoughts and therefore manage our emotions. Today I want to talk about how to impact our thinking and transform our minds, so that we can control those negative destructive thoughts that hurt our relationships.

Much of this I learned from studying the writings of Gary Smalley and the Scriptures. I will be sharing Six Scriptures over the course of this week that we can focus on and transform the way we think. I will talk about two today:

  1. Ephesians 3:16-20 – “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

We have the capacity of having unlimited power, love, fulfillment and life when Christ’s Holy Spirit lives inside us. Notice how the Paul the author mentions both power and love three times. Christ’s power within us is evidenced by our love toward others, our ability to live His will for us, our sense of peace and fulfillment on a daily basis and our overall Christ-like character.

With God’s power in us we can do amazing things. We can take control of our thoughts and include God in everything we are trying to do. Whether I am thinking about about talking with my spouse or friend, working on an important project, exercising for 30 minutes, or reading a blog, I’m continually aware of this unlimited power within me. Jesus told us that we would be able to do greater things than He did, can you imagine that? Think for a moment about the incredible power that is available to us every day at every moment. All we need to do is plug into the power source. That power can help us love and serve the way God wants us to.

2. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

Because of the great power within us, we can take every one of our thoughts (beliefs, dreams, ideas) captive to the obedience of Christ. That means we can think like Jesus would think, and therefore do what Jesus did. Since all of our emotions, words and actions start in our heart and mind, we can wake up every day with the assurance that we have the power to control how we feel, what we say and how we act all day long. With God’s weapons we can demolish the things that keep us in bondage and hold us back from a fulfilling life.

No one is a victim. If I am on the beach and I notice a beautiful woman with a great shape, I can think that God did a great job in designing her, but if my mind starts to go in a lustful direction, I have the power to say to my mind, NO! That thought does not line up with God’s word. I can tell myself, “Sorry thoughts, I will not allow lustful thinking about this person.” God’s word tells us in Philippians 4:8 “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”

Those lustful thoughts do not fit any of those words. So if our thoughts don’t fit with any of those words, we should not allow those thoughts to continue. Any thoughts that lead to the death or destruction of a relationship is not from God. Thoughts that lead me to commit sin or to do something selfish are not from God either. It may sound impossible, but with the supernatural power of Christ it is possible. On our own we will struggle and fail, but everything is possible with Christ who strengthens us. We need to take small steps in that direction and with each victory our thinking will be transformed. We have the power to control our thoughts.