Anger is a powerful emotion that left unchecked can destroy all your relationships. It can come on like a flood and wash away any happiness you may have. Anger leads to unhealthy conflict, it drives other people away and it eats you up inside. It’s no surprise that anger can be so destructive, because most people have felt the pain associated with anger. Either on the receiving end or giving it to people we love.
According to Dr. Gary Smalley, anger is not a primary emotion. It’s a secondary emotion caused by unresolved hurt, frustration, fear, or a combination of these. When these things stay inside a person the result is anger. It gets expressed in a variety of ways. Sometimes there is an explosion of words or even physical violence. Sometimes it’s the silent treatment and you shut people out. To deal with anger, you need to get to the root causes. Dr. Smalley suggests the single root cause is unfulfilled expectations. When our expectations are blocked or not met it causes hurt, frustration, fear and then anger.
Pent up anger can lead to emotional damage and even physical sickness. That is why it is so important to deal with it instead of ignoring it. It won’t go away until the root issues are taken care of. Dr. Smalley reveals seven steps that you can follow to empty stored up anger:
- Define the offense in writing – Write down the persons name and what they did and what it took away from you. Write down the feelings you had when it happened. Getting it out on paper helps you to see it and to feel it again. Bringing those emotions to the surface allows healing to begin.
- Allow yourself to grieve the loss – If you don’t properly grieve the losses in your life, anger is a natural byproduct. The five stages of grief are: Denial, “This can’t be happening to me” – Anger, “Why me?” – Bargaining – Depression – Acceptance.
- Try to gain a better understanding of the offender – Did they even know they hurt you? Do they treat everyone that way? Are they just immature and selfish? When asking these questions it helps you deal with old hurts. It helps you have a new perspective on what actually happened and why the other person may have done what they did. It may just confirm what you already knew as well.
- Treasure Hunt the offense – In other words look for the good that has come out of the situation. Maybe it has helped you to be more compassionate to others or motivated you to treat others differently. When we experience conflict, adversity, frustrations, or offenses they can create hidden treasures.
- Write a letter (but don’t mail it) – Let it all out in this letter, this is a powerful way to pour out the anger without hurting anyone. Writing in a journal is also a great way to deal with hurts, frustrations, fears and hangups. When you’re finished destroy the letter, I like burning it.
- Release the other person from the hurts they have inflicted and from future expectations – The Hebrew word forgiveness means “to release”. To truly forgive someone, you must release them from their responsibility for the hurt they have caused you. Forgiveness is a choice not a feeling. This releasing of the other person is also a way to release the anger in your life.
- Reach out – If it is possible reach out to the offender with kindness. Only do this if there is no threat of physical danger. This act of reaching out will take great courage, but could be the beginning of a new healthy relationship or simply a washing away of the offense for good.
Don’t let anger take over your insides. Start to drill down as to why anger keeps popping up in your life. Go get some help to navigate through the hurts, frustrations and fears from your past. Look for the good and make the necessary changes in your life, so that anger does not control you. This is not a once and done kind of exercise, this is a lifelong battle, because life is filled with hurts, frustrations, fear and unmet expectations. If you want to be healthy on the inside, work hard at forgiveness and having unrealistic expectations.