Category: Change

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How to Resolve Relational Crisis

I spend a good bit of time with people that are in the midst of personal catastrophes.  Most are relational struggles, whether in a marriage, a family or at work.  The health of our relationships are an indicator of the health of ourselves.

Whenever I am meeting with someone that is going through a relational struggle, I always try to bring it back to the person I am talking with.  There is not much in life that we can control, but when it comes to ourselves, we do have a choice in what we do, think, say and believe.

For someone that has a broken relationship, it always starts with yourself.  It is easy to look at those around you and blame their behavior, attitude or hurtful actions for why things are so bad.  Yet that will never resolve the issue or change the circumstances.  It always starts in your own heart.  It starts with your own character.  Your character is who you really are.  It will reflect how much you accomplish in life and how well you love yourself and others.

Your character is the internal script that you follow in response to conflict, mistreatment, pain and even success.  When that script is focused on yourself and preserving or getting what you want, the actions that follow will usually dig the hole even deeper or add fuel to the fire.  Part of our character is the defense mechanism’s we have developed over the years in dealing with conflict and pain.  It might be sarcasm, humor, withdrawing/silent treatment, yelling/escalating or even going into fix it mode.

Changing that internal script is hard work, yet it is the only way to work through a relational crisis.  It starts by taking personal responsibility for what you contributed and how you have reacted.  Then it involves the hard work of self-actualization, seeing yourself, your reactions, your character and your beliefs and where you are off course.  This is hard work and will take the help of God and other people.  It means being humble enough to ask for help and to admit your mistakes.  When you get on your knees and ask God to change your heart and character, that is when the rough edges start to get smoothed out.  It will take time, perseverance, patience and practice, but you can change.

Working on yourself is one of the most productive things you can do in order to be successful in life.  Take the time and energy to get healthy emotionally, to work through the hurts and hang-ups from your past.  Take time to grow in your faith and connect more with God and involve him in every area of your life.  Take time to build trust with yourself and others and work on relational skills like listening, asking questions, asking for and extending forgiveness.

The best thing you can do for any relationship in your life is to be healthy emotionally, spiritually, relationally and physically.  In a relational crisis the way in which you respond will either add fuel to the fire or add water to the fire.  How you respond is a reflection of your character.  The choice is always yours.

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Thoughts on Prayer

I have been reading a couple of books on the subject of prayer. Both are very good, one is an older book originally written in 1937 by Oswald Chambers called “If You Will Ask”. I am reading the 1989 edition. I am also reading a new devotional book by Mark Batterson called “Draw the Circle”. Both have inspired me and challenged me. I find myself praying differently, more often and more boldly. There are so many take-aways I could share, but I want to focus on one part of Chambers book entitled The Submission of Life.

He starts the chapter with this: “We are not built for ourselves, but for God. Not for service for God, but for God. That explains the submission of life.” Submission is one of the most difficult things to do and yet one of the most powerful things we can do. It seems odd that submission is powerful, but with true submission comes peace, unity and rightness with God. Chambers goes on to say this: “God is not concerned about our aims. He does not say, “Do you want to go through this bereavement, this upset?” He allows these things for his purpose. We may say what we like, but God does allow the devil, He does allow sin, He does allow bad men to triumph and tyrants to rule, and these things either make us fiends or they make us saints. It depends entirely on our relationship with God. If we say, “Your will be done,” we get the tremendous consolation of knowing that our Father is working everything according to His own wisdom. If we understand what God is after, we shall be saved from being mean and cynical.”

God isn’t checking in with us to see if his plan is ok. God sees all things and knows all things, therefore he knows what is best and how to work all things for good. When we fully submit to his will we can stop worrying about everything in the world around us and focus on how we are responding to the things in our lives. We can look to what God wants to do in us. Listen to what else Chambers says:

“The things we are going through are either making us sweeter, better, nobler men and women, or they are making us more captious, more insistent on our own way. We are either getting more like our Father in heaven, or we are getting more mean and intensely selfish. How are we behaving ourselves in our circumstances? Do we understand the purpose of our life as never before? God does not exist to answer our prayers, but by our prayers we come to discern the mind of God, and that is declared in John 17:22 “That they may be one just as We are one.” Am I as close to Jesus as that? God will not leave me alone until I am.”

When I read that I said Wow outloud. Prayer is really about getting to know God, becoming more intimate with him and understanding his heart. The more we pray the more we change. God wants to be one with us, but that can only happen if we submit to His will and His ways. The more time spent in prayer the more clear our purpose in life becomes. What would happen if we would start praying for God’s will to be done in our lives, for us to become one with Him and see as He sees and think as He thinks. What would happen if we would do what He says and be obedient to His will. God’s will is that we become one with Him as Jesus was one with Him. To become more like Him in all our ways.

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Cows vs. Buffalo

I was listening to a podcast interview with author and speaker Rory Vanden, talking about his new book Take the Stairs: 7 Steps to Achieving True Success. I bought the book today and plan on reading it right away.

One of the stories he talked about was about the difference between cows and buffalo.

In Colorado they have both cows and buffalo. One of the unique differences is how they react when a storm is heading their way. Cows will see a storm coming and will turn and try to run away from the storm. The storm usually catches them and they actually run with the storm and suffer along the way. The Buffalo will see a storm coming and will run right at the storm. They end up running right through the storm and only encounter a short time of suffering and discomfort.

Most of us act more like cows than buffalo. We try to avoid the storms of life by running away from them. Our natural response is to escape and run in the opposite direction, when we really should run right at the storm.

When we run at the storm we are facing reality and are doing the hard thing. But by doing the hard thing we minimize the pain long-term by making the difficult decision now.

So if your in the midst of a storm, turn and face it. Don’t allow the fear of the storm to make you turn tail and run. Have the hard conversation, ask the tough questions, set the firm boundaries, say no and run right through the storm.

The only way we can do this is with the help of God. If you are running from a storm, ask God to give you the courage to face that storm head on and the wisdom to know how to run through it.

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The Power Of The Restart

For the last several years I have been running and exercising on a regular basis. I ran half marathons, ran the Warrior Dash (a 5k with obstacles) and ate healthy food while maintaining my weight and general fitness. Then I stopped back in December around Christmas. I decided to take a break and it led to a prolonged time of no exercise. I gained 15 pounds and regressed physically. I also lost my motivation to restart, for some reason I couldn’t get back into the habit of running and working out. I even made some bad choices in my eating habits and didn’t care.

The reason I share that is because that is what happens to lot’s of people with habits that are helpful. We can drift, stop and get out of sink. It is very difficult to start up again even though we know we should. We know we should read our Bible, we know we should eat better, we know we should exercise, we know we should date our spouse, yet the reality is we don’t do it consistently. So how do we get restarted with the healthy good habits that help us grow spiritually, emotionally and physically?

First you need to make a decision that you will start. Don’t underestimate the power of choosing to start doing something. You will never get healthy spiritually, physically or emotionally without choosing to start. Five years ago I chose to get healthy and started working toward that.

Next you need to develop a plan. For me I joined a local fitness club to get back into working out. I made a commitment and paid some money to help keep me on track. I also talked with some of my friends about what I was trying to do and asked them to hold me accountable.

Lastly you have to actually do something. I not only joined the gym, but the next day I drove there and worked out. Now I am planning my weeks and including times that I can stop and workout. You can choose, plan and learn all you want, but if you don’t do something you will never change.

Once I did that first workout my motivation came back and now I am excited about getting back into shape and am already starting to look for a race I can sign up for to give me something to shoot for.

If you have an area of your life that you want to change or get back on track, make the choice to change, talk to some people that can help you and hold you accountable and put a plan together and then go start. Choose, Plan, Do it.

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What Ticks You Off?

We all have things that set us off. I like to refer to them as our buttons, and when pushed we respond. Our response tends to be some sort of a defense mechanism. Think about the last time you really got tee’d off. You could feel the blood rushing to your head and that weird feeling in your stomach. Then you either said something sarcastic, funny or hurtful, or maybe you raised your voice. Others may have calmly explained how wrong the other person was or defend our actions and some go silent.

All of those behaviors are unhealthy and lead to increased conflict. As we grow up, we learn how to handle things that hurt us or make us mad. Nearly all of us have learned the wrong way of doing this. Unfortunately we all had bad examples growing up and of course we have a sinful nature.

So where do these button come from? Why do I get so mad at some things and other things don’t seem to bother me? Again we have to look back in order to understand. We all have core fears that have been ingrained in us from past life experience. Things like rejection, failure, being ignored, being misunderstood, being abused, being humiliated or neglected. All of those things shape the fears inside us.

When we experience a situation that brings up a similar emotion or feeling that fear button gets tapped and we are off to the races. By the time we realize it, it is often too late, we have turned around and pushed the other persons button as well and we are in the midst of full blown conflict.

So how do we overcome this all too familiar pattern? Here are a few ideas:
* First you need to find out what your core fear is. I highly recommend the book called the DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley. He has a test in the back of the book to help you discover your core fears.
* Once you have identified what sets you off, start praying for God to help you in that area. Ask for courage to see it coming and to respond in a better way. Also talk to a trusted friend or mentor about it and ask them to pray as well, and ask you how you are progressing in changing.
* Start asking yourself why am I so mad about this? A simple question like that can help to think more rationally and not emotionally.
* Awareness and accountability are important, yet without some action not much will change. Learning new behaviors takes hard work and practice. having the humility to go get help is very important when making big shifts in behavior. Go see a counselor, life coach or pastor to help work through these changes.

So here is the bottom line. If you want to have healthy, thriving relationships in your life you will need to understand your buttons and learn how to respond in a healthy way when they are pushed.

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5 Practices For A Healthy Marriage

What does a Healthy Marriage Look Like? To be healthy in any area of our lives, it takes work and being intentional.  If you want to get healthy physically you need to eat right and exercise.  This does not mean perfect but healthy.  When one area of our lives is out of whack or unhealthy it affects all the other areas of our lives.  When we are struggling financially, it causes stress on our relationships and work.  When we are struggling with a relationship with our spouse or children, it causes us to be distracted, unfocused and can even affect our work performance and work relationships.  Many times we try to compartmentalize our work, our family, our faith and our person time, but the reality is that they all affect each other either in a positive healthy way or a negative unhealthy way.

Marriage is one of the most difficult relationships we will ever have in our lives.  I believe marriage is hard work, because we all struggle with selfishness and unhealthy views of what marriage should or shouldn’t be.  Many times we have learned about marriage from our parents, from television or the movies or from other people we see from a distance.  Many of the things we have learned are not healthy.  The way in which we handle conflict; the way we communicate; the way we approach sex; the way in which we parent; the way in which we handle our finances; the way in which we handle extended family issues; the way in which we do household chores.

What I want to share with you today are some of the best practices I have learned over the 23 years of my own marriage and also what I have learned as a pastor over the last 10 plus years in meeting with couples.

1.  Understand & Speak the right Love Language

  • Fill your spouse’s Love Tank or Bank Account by practicing the right love language
  • Words of Affirmation
  • Quality Time
  • Receiving Gifts
  • Acts of Service
  • Physical Touch

2.  Recognize & Stop the Fear Dance or Crazy Cycle

  • The Dance – I hurt, I want things to be different, My core Fear is touched, I react in an unhealthy way, My spouse is hurt, they want things to change, their core fear is tapped, they react in an unhealthy way, you are hurt even more.
  • The Crazy cycle – I feel disrespected, I react in an unhealthy way, She feels unloved, she reacts in an unhealthy way, we both are hurt.
  • Identifying your core fear, helps you to stop the crazy cycle
    • My story – I was in the Kitchen fixing a salad, my wife say’s “leave everything out for me, so I can fix a salad as well.” When I was finished with my salad I start putting lids on, she says didn’t you listen to me I told you to leave it out (sarcastic), I immediately get defensive and start explaining what I was doing, she says, “well you don’t have to yell at me”, I say, “I am not yelling!” – We just did the fear dance and the crazy cycle.  I felt disrespected, she felt unloved, my core fear of being inadequate and a failure were pushed and her core fears of feeling invalidated, ignored & unimportant were touched.  That is how quickly we fall into this unhealthy routine and it soon becomes a way of life.

3.  Understand & Nurture the three types of intimacy needed in marriage

  • Emotional intimacy – Friendship
  • Spiritual intimacy – Deep Connection
  • Physical intimacy – Need I say more

4.  Understand & Improve the way in which you communicate

  • Really Listening – Eye contact, positive body language, repeat back what you heard, ask questions
  • Having the Floor – Allow the other person to have the floor and explain their position.  You only ask questions and repeat back what you heard.  Once the other person is satisfied that you heard them, you get the floor and repeat the process.
  • Be interested not interesting – Spend 5 minutes within 5 feet of your spouse everyday
  • Know Your Filter – men & women are very different.  Your background, your experiences all are used to filter what you see and hear.
  • Settle disagreements – don’t allow conflict to go unresolved for long periods of time

5.  Understand How Powerful Forgiveness is – Every relationship has to practice forgiveness.

  • It is not forgetting, but it is the first step toward forgetting
  • Forgiveness trumps anger – unforgiveness breeds anger and bitterness
  • Be quick to admit when you are wrong and ask and give forgiveness
  • Don’t let arguments go unresolved – Are we OK?

These five practices are vital to having a healthy marriage, but it takes work and practice.  It also takes humility to admit that you need to make a change and do things differently in order to improve you marriage.  Sometimes it takes working with a counselor or mentor in order to make the necessary adjustments and changes.  The good news is that your marriage can change and improve and be healthy and all the work is worth it.  Remember that you cannot control your spouse and what he or she does, but you can control what you do.

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Secure Leaders Empower People

One of the keys to effective leadership is to empower the people that you lead. In a growing organization empowerment is a must, otherwise the leader becomes a bottleneck or a barrier within the organization. If the leader continues to block people instead build people, the people, especially the leaders will begin to leave. If you want to be a successful leader, you need to learn to empower people instead of trying to control people.  I love this quote from Theodore Roosevelt “the best executive is one who has the sense enough to pick good men to do what he wants done, and the self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.” Empowering people is hard work, it takes a lot of self-restraint to not get involved with things when people want to do things a little different than what you would do.

Leaders that empower are able to lift people up.  They work hard to add value to people and develop people and then empower them to do what they are asked to do.  This is a skill set that can take some time to develop, but if you can do this well you will grow your organization in a healthy way.  So how do you empower people?

  • Believe the best about your people – This can be the hardest part if you are naturally skeptical about people.  If you find it hard to believe the best about people you might need to deal with your own insecurities and past hurts in order to move forward as a leader.  Sure there have been people that have let you down and hurt you, but that does not mean that the next person will do that.  It all starts with trusting that the people you are leading have huge potential.
  • By believing in people you build their self-esteem – The greatest leaders draw out the best in the people they lead.  Many times the people you are leading don’t realize what they are capable of doing.  As the leader it is your responsibility to know the strengths and weaknesses of your team and place people where they can use their strengths on a regular basis.  Once they are in that right place you can empower them by giving them authority to make decisions without having to always check in with you.
  • Keep growing yourself – A leader that is not growing will not empower others. The more you grow the more you can give away. Personal growth helps you to become more secure as as a leader and allows you to be able to invest more in the people you lead. Leaders that are teachable and humble realize they don’t know it all and are willing to allow others to contribute to the team.
  • Endorse people in public – To empower people it is necessary for others to know that you are endorsing them and believe in them. Give them praise in public and let others know that they have authority. Bring to light their strengths and acknowledge their contribution to the team. When they make mistakes talk to them in private and coach them to learn and improve.
  • Invest in people – What I mean by that is you must do more than believe in someone in order to empower them. You need to take steps to help them become the leaders they have the potential to be. This requires your energy and time. Spend time pouring what you know into them and by learning about what makes them tick.  This can be done one-on-one and in groups. I often do book studies with people that have potential. I also meet with people one-on-one to get to know them and to let them get to know me. Another way I invest in people is by giving them tests.  I give them a project to work on and see how they do with it.  As I get to know the person I can quickly determine if they are in the right place on the team and how much I can trust them. The more potential someone has, the more time I give them, not micro-managing them, but listening, encouraging and coaching them.
  • Lastly, be clear – It is vital that the people you empower know the outcome you are looking for.  The method they use may be different that you would take, but the outcome is what you are concerned with. Establishing clear Key Results Areas or Objectives is vital to healthy empowerment. It means putting it in writing and then reviewing it with them along the way. If you take the time upfront to establish clear direction and objectives it empowers the person to focus on what is important.

So who do you need to empower?  Who do you need to believe the best about? What is your plan to grow yourself?  Do you have a plan to develop others? Who do you need to spend more time with? What can you give away? Are you clear about what you want to accomplish as an organization?

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Lessons From The Life Of King Asa

I was reading the story of Asa king of Judah in 2 Chronicles 14-16 today.  Asa started strong but did not finish well.  This story demonstrates that God is perfect and all-powerful and people are imperfect and make mistakes.  As king, Asa came very close to being a great leader.  He traveled a long way with God before he got off track and went his own way.

Early in his leadership he turned to God when he was in an impossible situation with army of the Cushites, which outnumbered his army by 400,000.  God helped him crush the Cush army, that sounds funny.  After that great victory, God brought peace to the nation for many years.  But there was a bigger challenge on its way.  Over the years Asa and Israel’s new king Baasha had conflict and Baasha actually became the aggressor and was building a fort city that threatened Judah.  Instead of turning to God and asking for wisdom on what to do Asa turned to his own wisdom and bribed King Ben-Hadad of Aram to attack Baasha.  It worked and Baasha was defeated and driven back.  However this was not God’s plan and God sent a man named Hanani to rebuke Asa and warn him of his mistake.

Asa flew into a rage and jailed Hanani.  He also took out his anger out on more of his followers.  His greatest failure was missing what God could have done with his life if he had been willing to humble himself.  His pride caused him to not finish well as a leader.  He stubbornly held onto his failure until his death.  We too can do this by not admitting our failures to God and asking for forgiveness.  The ends do not justify the means.  That thinking usually leads to sin and failure.  Here are some lessons from Asa’s life for each of us:

  • God not only reinforces good, he confronts evil
  • Efforts to follow God’s plans and rules yield positive results
  • How well a plan works is no measure of its rightness or approval by God
  • When confronted about sin in our lives humility leads to success, anger leads to destruction
  • When facing a challenge or hardship we should turn to God first and not rely on our own wisdom – seek wise counsel
  • Our attitude when criticized shows our true character
  • No matter how long we have been following God we must always be on guard, because we have an enemy that is always looking to take us out or cause us to rely on our own wisdom instead of God’s way.

No matter where you are in your spiritual journey, obeying God is always the best way.  To obey him you need to know his will for your life and that is to become more like Jesus Christ in how you live, think and behave.  Doing things God’s way can be very hard and may not seem to make sense at times, but it always leads to great freedom.

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Why I Love My Church

 

This past weekend we opened a brand new facility in Millersburg Ohio after meeting in a High School for three years.  I am grateful for all the sacrifice and work that went into making that happen.  It took a lot of people working together to accomplish what happened on Sunday.  This marks the beginning of another phase in the life of NewPointe Community Church, as we reach out to the Holmes County community through the Millersburg Campus.

I have been a part of NewPointe for 10 years and have enjoyed the journey.  It has been challenging, fun, hard, fulfilling and significant for me.  As I think about the church, it is way more than building a new building.  There is so much that goes into a healthy growing church.  So here are some reasons why I love my church:

I Love that NewPointe Community Church:

  • Is a safe place to hear a life changing message
  • Believes that people matter more than projects or events
  • Is willing to talk about the important and difficult issues of life like (sex, money, marriage, parenting)
  • Helps me apply the Bible to my everyday life
  • Is outward focused rather than inward focused – meaning we are more concerned with reaching people than keeping people
  • Is willing to take risks and make mistakes
  • Embraces and expects change
  • Pursues Excellence, but not perfection
  • Values being healthy emotionally
  • Is big on relationships and helping people connect
  • Is a place that I can serve and make a difference
  • Wants to partner with parents to impact children for eternity
  • Equips people to become better leader’s at home, at work and at church
  • Is a creative fun place
  • Is a warm, welcoming place where people feel accepted and loved
  • Is willing to take anyone
  • Mentors individuals and couples that are struggling with life
  • Empowers people to lead and serve
  • Embraces technology as a way to connect with people
  • Keeps things simple
  • Partners with local organizations to impact & improve our communities
  • Has a vision to Change the World!

Our vision is to lead people into a growing relationship with Jesus Christ.  That is why we exist and that is why we open the doors every day.

 

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Life Lessons from Running

 

I enjoy getting outside and running, it keeps me in good shape physically and it is my favorite thinking time.  As I was on my long run this week, a 10 miler, I thought about several life lessons related to my running.  Here are my thoughts:

    • When your running a long hill, keep your focus on the road right in front of you and only take quick glances up the hill.  If I focus on how much further I need to go I get discouraged.  In life when you are facing a tough uphill period focus on the things in front of you and take it one day at a time.  Occasionally glance up and take a look at the big picture to keep a proper perspective.

 

    • Get periodic updates on how you are doing.  I use an app on my iPhone called MapMyRun.  Every 5 minutes it tells me the time, how far I have gone and what my pace per mile is.  In life you need periodic updates on how you are doing.  Maybe it’s going to the doctor for a checkup, maybe it’s going to a counselor or a pastor for wise counsel.  Or is could be meeting with someone to gauge how things are going financially.  It may be checking in with your spouse on how they think your doing or asking some trusted friends that will be honest with you.

 

    • The faster you run the more you need to focus.  When I start to run faster I tend to use bad form and this can cause injury and take more energy.  When I pick up the pace I need to focus on using good form and make sure I pay attention to my body.  In life when you are running at a fast pace, focus becomes so important.  Without disciplined focus you will tend to spin your wheels and not get things done.  You start spinning plates instead of clearing the plates and putting them away.

 

    • When you are tired and want to stop, start talking to God.  When I am getting tired or want to slow down or stop I start repeating words like Strong, Powerful, Courageous, Smooth.  I also will pray and ask God for strength, endurance and to help me finish the run.  In life the way in which you think will determine how you finish the race.  Talking to God and asking for his help is vital to overall health and perspective.  God is powerful and can transform anyone, but you must plug into him in order to get that power.

 

    • If you feel an unusual pain it’s best to slow down or stop.  When I start to feel a pain in my foot or leg, I will slow down.  In the past I have kept pushing and gotten injured.  In life when you experience a new kind of pain, it is best to slow down and pay attention.  Sometimes it can be a physical pain that warns you there is something not right.  It might be an emotional pain that causes you to respond in an unhealthy way. The pain is telling you to pay attention, that something is not as it should be, and to make some changes or get some help.

 

    • On a long run don’t start too fast.  I have a tendency to start my long runs at a much faster pace than I should.  What happens is I end up going much slower at the end of my run and my overall pace suffers.  In life when you run too fast early, you can run out of gas and not even finish the race.  Understanding the right pace of life is an important ability.  It is good to push yourself, but you also need to know your limits.  There are times in life that you need to sprint and there are times you need to jog.  There are also times to rest and recover.

 

    • When you are on the downhill or flat stretch enjoy the view around you.  I live in the country and love to look at the countryside while I am running.  I only do that when I am running a long flat stretch or on a downhill.  That is the time to keep my head up and see the big picture.  In life there are times when you can really enjoy the things around you and can see the big picture of where you are heading in life.  These are important times because it helps you to know if your on the right path or not.  This is the time to make adjustments if needed, not when your pushing up a tough hill.

In life, like on a run there are many things going on inside your head and your body.  There is also a lot going on around you.  The key is to pay attention, know your limitations and keep pushing yourself while keeping God at the center.  The more you push yourself in a healthy way, the better you will get.  Now get out there and do something.