I’ve been married for 35 years. Over those years we have had many struggles, arguments, victories and failures. We have had to work hard on communication, make sacrifices for each other and practice forgiveness. Marriage can be challenging but so rewarding.
My last post was for wives and it dealt with the first part of this passage of Scripture in Ephesians chapter 5. This next section starting in verse 25 is talking to Christian husbands.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.
It seems like a simple command: “Husbands love your wives.” But if you’ve been married for more than five minutes, you realize that it’s a bit harder than it sounds.
The command for the Christian husband to love his wife is not contingent on her fulfilling any particular roles. In other words, it’s to love her even if she is not acting lovely.
More to the point, it’s an ongoing, everyday type of love. It’s not a love only reserved for wedding days, anniversaries, or Valentine’s Day. This everyday love characterizes the attitude of the Christian husband to his wife.
Furthermore, it has a pattern to follow. The Christian husband reflects Jesus’s love for his church and the unity or oneness found in this relationship.
The Bible points husbands to the supreme example, Jesus, as the one who is both the model and also the motivation for loving their wives. So being a Christian husband means becoming more like Christ. Making that your top priority in life.
In light of how Jesus loves his church, how then are Christian husbands to love their wives?
Here are ways in which a husband can love his wife like Jesus.
(1) A Sacrificial Love
We start here with the most obvious. The husband’s love for his wife is to be sacrificial, because Jesus’s love for us was sacrificial. Jesus died for his bride, and so the husband must be willing to do the same.
Many husbands would say they would die for their wives, But the essence of the sacrifice could be pressed home further. Would you live sacrificially for his wife? Will you die to yourself and your self-interest to put your wife first?
Loving her sacrificially means a willingness to give up some things in order to make her more important. Are you willing to sacrifice making more money? Having less man toys? Going hunting or fishing less often? Staying home more? Doing what she wants to do? Taking time to talk to her, listen to her?
(2) A Serving Love
Jesus served the church. This love wore an apron. He served his bride, the church, with his life and death. We read in Mark 10:45, “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Likewise, the husband, the leader, is to serve his wife. He is to, like Jesus, be willing to set aside his interests when presented with the opportunity to serve his wife. Think about it. We could never conceive of Jesus being too busy to hear from us in prayer. He is not distracted. He is not uninterested. No, he loves us and continues to listen and help us. He is always doing us good.
Jesus is not too busy checking his phone, or scrolling through social media when we are trying to talk to him. He is not drifting off thinking about hobbies or work when we are pouring our hearts out to him in prayer.
He is not daydreaming when we are laying bare our weaknesses before him. No, he is present, faithful, caring, and serving. As husbands we are to likewise with our wives.
He is attentive and sympathetic. The danger for marriages is not that the husband would love another woman more than his wife; it’s that he would love himself more than his wife.
(3) A Faithful Love
Jesus is faithful to his church, his bride. Likewise, the husband, if reflecting Jesus, must be faithful to his wife. We read in verse 31, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
This one-flesh union is a life of commitment and faithfulness. It means she comes before your family, or her family or even your kids. You are committed to her through sickness and health, rich or poor, better or worse.
In Paul’s time, just as in our own, people changed partners without a second thought. The Christian marriage, and the love the husband offers his wife, is to be a committed and faithful love.
(4) An Understanding Love
Jesus knows us and understands us. He knows what makes us tick. He knows our weaknesses. Peter reminds husbands in 1 Peter 3:7 to “live with your wives in an understanding way showing honor” (to her).
This word “understanding” refers to knowledgable love. The husband should be well-acquainted with his wife. He should be working hard to know and understand her. The husband must be forever studying and learning about his wife.
I’m a lifetime student at the University of Vikki my wife. I’ll never graduate or get a diploma; I’m a lifetime learner. I’m always trying to learn how to best love and serve her. Become curious about what makes your wife happy, what she loves, what she struggles with, what her fears are and how she likes to communicate.
(5) A Caring Love
Paul writes, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.”
The husband’s love for his wife should reflect his care for his own body.
Paul offers two keywords to describe this: nourish and cherish. A husband cares for his wife by nourishing her heart, much like a gardener nourishes his plants. Do you even know what nourishes her heart? If not start paying attention, ask her questions that can help answer that question.
This requires you to pay attention to her, to talk with her, to know what her hopes and fears are, what dreams she has for the future, where she feels vulnerable or ugly, and what makes her anxious or gives her joy. A husband cherishes his wife in the way he spends time with her and speaks about her, so that she feels safe and loved in his presence.
Richard Phillips in his commentary on this passage of Scripture in Ephesians says “In my experience, a husband’s caring love is one of the greatest needs in most marriages. [A] wife’s heart is dried up by a husband who pays her little attention, takes no interest in her emotional life, and does not connect with her heart.”
You connect with her heart by opening up your own heart to her. When you open up and talk about the struggles, the hurts, the dreams you have she feels closer to you. Then listening to her and asking her to share her heart.
Another way this happens is by praying together and sharing prayer requests with each other.
(6) A Sanctifying Love
You’ll notice that much of what Paul refers to here involves Jesus’s care for us spiritually. I don’t think this means that the husband is the only one responsible for seeing his wife grow in godliness.
But, The husband is given the privilege and charge to see his wife grow in godliness. There are other means God has provided like the local church, but it is the husband’s responsibility to ensure that it happens in his home. He is to be concerned with his wife’s spiritual growth. He is to share Jesus’s burden for his wife’s holiness.
He directs his love toward her godliness. This love then will show itself in your conversations, in family devotions, in prayer, in church attendance, in church participation, in serving, and the overall tone of the home.
Christian husbands can excel in many areas of love but drop the ball at this point and, as a result, not fulfill their charge from the Lord.
Husbands, are you taking the lead in pointing your family, and especially your wife, to the Word of God and the God of the Word?
Most men struggle with this, and a big reason why, is that they don’t think they know enough or are mature enough in their faith. Let me just say here that one of the best ways that you can love your wife is by loving Jesus, by taking that relationship seriously and making it a priority. As you grow, so does your family.
(7) A Leading Love
Jesus left us a pattern to follow. If we want to be Christlike, then we must reflect his leadership:
And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:42-45)
The Christian husband’s love for his wife is not to look like a Roman occupation. It’s not a page out of the popular business handbook. It’s not about self-fulfillment but self-sacrifice.
Practically speaking, this means that husbands and wives are not allowed to delay obeying God’s commands until their spouses fulfill their God-given roles perfectly. No, both the husband and the wife each individually have to choose to follow and obey Jesus’ ways.
(8) An Enduring Love
Jesus doesn’t quit on his bride. Isn’t that good news? Too many Christian marriages tap out when things get hard. We mustn’t do this. We are to stay on the field and work it out, continuing to press on and go to the end. Jesus motivates us to endure amid and through hardship.
If you are in a difficult time in your marriage don’t give up. Do what you can, and let God have what you can’t control.
Get help, counseling, a mentor, trusted christians to pray with you. Now I also know that this does not always work. Sometimes marriages come to an end. It takes two people to truly reconcile and if one chooses not to do that, you sometimes have to have an ending.
However even after an ending there can still be room for forgiveness and reconciliation. That’s why it’s so important to take care of yourself after this. Have good boundaries in place and surround yourself with godly people that will love and support you.
Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.