The Apostle Paul writes about marriage here in the letter to the Ephesian church. Paul knows that we need constant reminders on how to follow Jesus, and how to treat each other, especially in the marriage relationship.
Paul is reminding the Ephesians and us today that our marriages should be different from the world. Let’s take a look at some keywords that Paul uses when it comes to wives and marriage. In my next post I will share what husbands are to do.
Ephesians 5: 22-33 ESV 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
- Wives submit to your husbands.
This word submission does not sit well with most people these days.
The meaning of this word comes from a military word meaning to arrange under or to be under and to lift up and support.
Submission is a big part of being a follower of Jesus, we submit to Jesus, we come under his leadership and serve Him, both men and women.
Paul is saying to wives to have this same mindset when it comes to your husband.
- Submission Does not mean that a wife is unequal – Galatians 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
We are all equal in value, significance, acceptance under God.
- Submission Does not mean a wife must always agree with her husband – Acts 5:29 But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men.
There will be many times you will not agree. It’s clear you should obey God rather than your husband if he is asking you to do something against God’s word.
Just be cautious how you disagree and push back. You can disagree and still show respect. You can set boundaries and still love.
- Submission Does not mean a wife has no influence over her husband. 1 Peter 3:1 “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives”
Wives, you can have a huge influence in your husband’s life by how you live your life. If he is a non believer your submission to him and respect for him will have spiritual influence in his life.
- Submission Does not mean a wife should ever live in fear of her husband. 1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”
What does it mean to submit to your husbands?
“Submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.” John Piper
It’s the disposition to follow a husband’s authority and an inclination to yield to his leadership. It is an attitude that says, ‘I delight for you to take the initiative in our family. I am glad when you take responsibility for things and lead with love.
This also means that there may be times where you do have to lead the family when he is not around, or he is struggling, sick. You are a team and work together in all things.
The first part of that definition is to honor and affirm. Another word I like here and that Paul uses at the end of this section on marriage is respect.
There are many ways to honor and affirm your husband. To show him respect. Believe it or not most men would much rather be respected than loved.
But how do you actively respect your husband?
- Watch what you say.
Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. – Colossians 4:6
A wife’s words of affirmation have more weight and power than anyone else in their world. Especially when you are around other people. You should always speak kindly and positively about your husband to others.
If you are having problems at home be careful who you share that with. It needs to be trusted Christian friends, a counselor, pastor or mentor. It needs to be in the right setting.
Wives, you need to watch the words you say to and about your husbands. Think before you speak. Your words need to edify him and build him up. For most men your positive encouraging words are fuel for their souls.
He wants you to be proud of him, believe in him, trust him. He wants to know you are in his corner and have his back, because he will do that for you.
- Let him know when he has done something well.
Your husband needs to hear when he has done something well. He needs to know that you notice him and the steps he’s taking. Most wives are very good at seeing when he doesn’t do something right. It’s OK to point that out if done in the right way. But not if you are not also cheering him on and thanking him when he does something well. Even multiple times.
The point is don’t always be negative. That will shut him down and cause him to withdraw almost every time. Try to say more positive things than negative things.
3. Recognize that he isn’t perfect.
There may be times that you don’t agree with a decision or direction…and there will be times that you were right. Don’t rub this in his face. Choose grace and humility.
Respect means calling him to step up to his potential
This doesn’t mean being your husband’s Holy Spirit, but it does mean encouraging him to step up into the man that God has called him to be. Respect means caring enough to have difficult conversations that call him to draw closer to Christ. It means believing in who he is and who he can become.
Again don’t criticize but encourage. If you are critical of his leadership it will push him further away and he will just start deferring to you.
This is where understanding his giftings, talents and abilities is important and how your gifts, talents and abilities can compliment him and help him.
Talk as a couple about what you are good at and not good at. That can help define who does what in the household. Finances, Cleaning, Cooking, Yardwork,
That also means that he is not the perfect hallmark husband and never will be. Give him a break, give him grace. Believe the best about him and trust him.
When he does something that hurts you, pray before you confront. Get in the right frame of mind and try not to let your emotions lead, but lead with submission and respect. Most men appreciate when you are direct and clear with what the problem is, but not when you are emotional or out of control.
Men can’t read your mind, so help him out. Not just hinting, but clearly say what the problem is or what happened that hurt you.
4. Watch your non-verbal language.
Did you know that non-verbal language makes up about 93% of our communication? Our tone of voice and body language are huge indicators of our respect level. Do you roll your eyes? Do you cross your arms? Do you look away when he is trying to talk with you?
This is one we have to constantly work on and need to keep reminding ourselves of. It’s hard to get right, but it’s so important that we do.
5. Seek to understand.
Don’t assume the worst. Assume the best and seek to understand his heart. Rather than seeking to be understood, you need to truly hear where he is coming from. It’s often a much better spot than you think.
Ask clarifying questions, don’t drill him with questions and make sure it’s not accusations. That will shut him down. Ask questions that will give him a chance to explain what happened or what he meant.
This may be difficult, but ask a question and wait. You may even need to give him time to get back with you if he’s not in the right frame of mind. Giving permission for that can help him take time to answer right.
6. Be trustworthy.
While this needs to be in all areas, one example is in finances. Some wives that I have talked to hide purchases and packages from their husbands. This is dangerous. How can your husband feel respected (or even trust you) if you are deceptive in this (or any) area? When this happens, trust begins to erode.
Men, if this happens it might mean that she is afraid of you and that’s a problem. Openly discuss your finances so there are no secrets and she knows where you are with the finances.
As I said before, most men like when you are direct and to the point. Being trustworthy means you are not hiding things from each other. That you can talk about anything. If that is not your relationship, you can start to build trust slowly by being truthful in the little things. Admitting when you make a mistake, before being caught. Doing what you say you will do.
When you show a man respect, he will trust you more.
7. Pray for your husband.
Pray for his heart and for his mind. Pray that God would protect him and cultivate a man who loves the Lord and is obedient to Him. Pray for his work and the place that he works, pray for him to have godly wisdom as he leads at work and home, pray for God to protect him from temptations and give him courage to follow Jesus everywhere he goes.
If he is not a believer, pray for his salvation. If he is a believer, pray for his relationship with Jesus to grow, for God to bring other godly men into his life, for God to speak to his heart.
God is the only one who can transform our hearts and we need to trust that God is in control.
8. Have a gentle spirit.
“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 1 Peter 3:3-4
Cloak yourselves with gentleness, grace, and humility. This is what will speak to your husband’s heart. “Gentle spirit” doesn’t mean being weak, but it does mean a spirit filled with humility and love.
Pray that you would be able to show respect, even when it’s difficult.
There will be times where showing respect isn’t easy. In these times you need to make sure that you are walking hand in hand with the Holy Spirit, having him guide your tongue, your thoughts, your actions, and your heart.
Just like with love, respect is a verb. It’s an active choice.
Wives, you have the ability to build your husbands up or tear them down. When you choose respect, you set a gracious tone to your home and your marriage.