Month: September 2024

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A Word to Husbands from God’s Word

I’ve been married for 35 years. Over those years we have had many struggles, arguments, victories and failures. We have had to work hard on communication, make sacrifices for each other and practice forgiveness. Marriage can be challenging but so rewarding.

My last post was for wives and it dealt with the first part of this passage of Scripture in Ephesians chapter 5. This next section starting in verse 25 is talking to Christian husbands.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.

It seems like a simple command: “Husbands love your wives.” But if you’ve been married for more than five minutes, you realize that it’s a bit harder than it sounds.

The command for the Christian husband to love his wife is not contingent on her fulfilling any particular roles. In other words, it’s to love her even if she is not acting lovely. 

More to the point, it’s an ongoing, everyday type of love. It’s not a love only reserved for wedding days, anniversaries, or Valentine’s Day. This everyday love characterizes the attitude of the Christian husband to his wife.

Furthermore, it has a pattern to follow. The Christian husband reflects Jesus’s love for his church and the unity or oneness found in this relationship. 

The Bible points husbands to the supreme example, Jesus, as the one who is both the model and also the motivation for loving their wives. So being a Christian husband means becoming more like Christ. Making that your top priority in life.

In light of how Jesus loves his church, how then are Christian husbands to love their wives?

Here are ways in which a husband can love his wife like Jesus.

(1) A Sacrificial Love

We start here with the most obvious. The husband’s love for his wife is to be sacrificial, because Jesus’s love for us was sacrificial. Jesus died for his bride, and so the husband must be willing to do the same. 

Many husbands would say they would die for their wives, But the essence of the sacrifice could be pressed home further. Would you live sacrificially for his wife? Will you die to yourself and your self-interest to put your wife first?

Loving her sacrificially means a willingness to give up some things in order to make her more important. Are you willing to sacrifice making more money? Having less man toys? Going hunting or fishing less often? Staying home more? Doing what she wants to do? Taking time to talk to her, listen to her?

(2) A Serving Love

Jesus served the church. This love wore an apron. He served his bride, the church, with his life and death. We read in Mark 10:45, “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Likewise, the husband, the leader, is to serve his wife. He is to, like Jesus, be willing to set aside his interests when presented with the opportunity to serve his wife. Think about it. We could never conceive of Jesus being too busy to hear from us in prayer. He is not distracted. He is not uninterested. No, he loves us and continues to listen and help us. He is always doing us good. 

Jesus is not too busy checking his phone, or scrolling through social media when we are trying to talk to him. He is not drifting off thinking about hobbies or work when we are pouring our hearts out to him in prayer.

He is not daydreaming when we are laying bare our weaknesses before him. No, he is present, faithful, caring, and serving. As husbands we are to likewise with our wives.

He is attentive and sympathetic. The danger for marriages is not that the husband would love another woman more than his wife; it’s that he would love himself more than his wife.

(3) A Faithful Love

Jesus is faithful to his church, his bride. Likewise, the husband, if reflecting Jesus, must be faithful to his wife. We read in verse 31, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

This one-flesh union is a life of commitment and faithfulness. It means she comes before your family, or her family or even your kids. You are committed to her through sickness and health, rich or poor, better or worse.

In Paul’s time, just as in our own, people changed partners without a second thought. The Christian marriage, and the love the husband offers his wife, is to be a committed and faithful love. 

(4) An Understanding Love

Jesus knows us and understands us. He knows what makes us tick. He knows our weaknesses. Peter reminds husbands in 1 Peter 3:7 to “live with your wives in an understanding way showing honor” (to her). 

This word “understanding” refers to knowledgable love. The husband should be well-acquainted with his wife. He should be working hard to know and understand her. The husband must be forever studying and learning about his wife. 

I’m a lifetime student at the University of Vikki my wife. I’ll never graduate or get a diploma; I’m a lifetime learner. I’m always trying to learn how to best love and serve her. Become curious about what makes your wife happy, what she loves, what she struggles with, what her fears are and how she likes to communicate.

(5) A Caring Love 

Paul writes, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” 

The husband’s love for his wife should reflect his care for his own body. 

Paul offers two keywords to describe this: nourish and cherish. A husband cares for his wife by nourishing her heart, much like a gardener nourishes his plants. Do you even know what nourishes her heart? If not start paying attention, ask her questions that can help answer that question.

This requires you to pay attention to her, to talk with her, to know what her hopes and fears are, what dreams she has for the future, where she feels vulnerable or ugly, and what makes her anxious or gives her joy.  A husband cherishes his wife in the way he spends time with her and speaks about her, so that she feels safe and loved in his presence. 

Richard Phillips in his commentary on this passage of Scripture in Ephesians says “In my experience, a husband’s caring love is one of the greatest needs in most marriages. [A] wife’s heart is dried up by a husband who pays her little attention, takes no interest in her emotional life, and does not connect with her heart.”

You connect with her heart by opening up your own heart to her. When you open up and talk about the struggles, the hurts, the dreams you have she feels closer to you. Then listening to her and asking her to share her heart.

Another way this happens is by praying together and sharing prayer requests with each other.

(6) A Sanctifying Love

You’ll notice that much of what Paul refers to here involves Jesus’s care for us spiritually. I don’t think this means that the husband is the only one responsible for seeing his wife grow in godliness.

But, The husband is given the privilege and charge to see his wife grow in godliness. There are other means God has provided like the local church, but it is the husband’s responsibility to ensure that it happens in his home. He is to be concerned with his wife’s spiritual growth. He is to share Jesus’s burden for his wife’s holiness. 

He directs his love toward her godliness. This love then will show itself in your conversations, in family devotions, in prayer, in church attendance, in church participation, in serving, and the overall tone of the home. 

Christian husbands can excel in many areas of love but drop the ball at this point and, as a result, not fulfill their charge from the Lord. 

Husbands, are you taking the lead in pointing your family, and especially your wife, to the Word of God and the God of the Word?

Most men struggle with this, and a big reason why, is that they don’t think they know enough or are mature enough in their faith. Let me just say here that one of the best ways that you can love your wife is by loving Jesus, by taking that relationship seriously and making it a priority. As you grow, so does your family.

(7) A Leading Love

Jesus left us a pattern to follow. If we want to be Christlike, then we must reflect his leadership:

And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:42-45)

The Christian husband’s love for his wife is not to look like a Roman occupation. It’s not a page out of the popular business handbook. It’s not about self-fulfillment but self-sacrifice.

Practically speaking, this means that husbands and wives are not allowed to delay obeying God’s commands until their spouses fulfill their God-given roles perfectly. No, both the husband and the wife each individually have to choose to follow and obey Jesus’ ways.

(8) An Enduring Love

Jesus doesn’t quit on his bride. Isn’t that good news? Too many Christian marriages tap out when things get hard. We mustn’t do this. We are to stay on the field and work it out, continuing to press on and go to the end. Jesus motivates us to endure amid and through hardship.

If you are in a difficult time in your marriage don’t give up. Do what you can, and let God have what you can’t control.

Get help, counseling, a mentor, trusted christians to pray with you. Now I also know that this does not always work. Sometimes marriages come to an end. It takes two people to truly reconcile and if one chooses not to do that, you sometimes have to have an ending.

However even after an ending there can still be room for forgiveness and reconciliation. That’s why it’s so important to take care of yourself after this. Have good boundaries in place and surround yourself with godly people that will love and support you.

Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.

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A Word to Wives from God’s Word

The Apostle Paul writes about marriage here in the letter to the Ephesian church. Paul knows that we need constant reminders on how to follow Jesus, and how to treat each other, especially in the marriage relationship.

Paul is reminding the Ephesians and us today that our marriages should be different from the world. Let’s take a look at some keywords that Paul uses when it comes to wives and marriage. In my next post I will share what husbands are to do.

Ephesians 5: 22-33 ESV 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

  1. Wives submit to your husbands.

This word submission does not sit well with most people these days.

The meaning of this word comes from a military word meaning to arrange under or to be under and to lift up and support.

Submission is a big part of being a follower of Jesus, we submit to Jesus, we come under his leadership and serve Him, both men and women.

Paul is saying to wives to have this same mindset when it comes to your husband.

  • Submission Does not mean that a wife is unequal – Galatians 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. 

We are all equal in value, significance, acceptance under God.

  • Submission Does not mean a wife must always agree with her husband – Acts 5:29 But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men.

There will be many times you will not agree. It’s clear you should obey God rather than your husband if he is asking you to do something against God’s word. 

Just be cautious how you disagree and push back. You can disagree and still show respect. You can set boundaries and still love.

  • Submission Does not mean a wife has no influence over her husband. 1 Peter 3:1 “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives”

Wives, you can have a huge influence in your husband’s life by how you live your life. If he is a non believer your submission to him and respect for him will have spiritual influence in his life.

  • Submission Does not mean a wife should ever live in fear of her husband. 1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”

What does it mean to submit to your husbands?

“Submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts.” John Piper

It’s the disposition to follow a husband’s authority and an inclination to yield to his leadership. It is an attitude that says, ‘I delight for you to take the initiative in our family. I am glad when you take responsibility for things and lead with love.

This also means that there may be times where you do have to lead the family when he is not around, or he is struggling, sick. You are a team and work together in all things.

The first part of that definition is to honor and affirm. Another word I like here and that Paul uses at the end of this section on marriage is respect.

There are many ways to honor and affirm your husband. To show him respect. Believe it or not most men would much rather be respected than loved. 

But how do you actively respect your husband?

  1. Watch what you say.

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. – Colossians 4:6

A wife’s words of affirmation have more weight and power than anyone else in their world. Especially when you are around other people. You should always speak kindly and positively about your husband to others. 

If you are having problems at home be careful who you share that with. It needs to be trusted Christian friends, a counselor, pastor or mentor. It needs to be in the right setting.

Wives, you need to watch the words you say to and about your husbands. Think before you speak. Your words need to edify him and build him up. For most men your positive encouraging words are fuel for their souls.

He wants you to be proud of him, believe in him, trust him. He wants to know you are in his corner and have his back, because he will do that for you.

  1. Let him know when he has done something well.

Your husband needs to hear when he has done something well. He needs to know that you notice him and the steps he’s taking. Most wives are very good at seeing when he doesn’t do something right. It’s OK to point that out if done in the right way. But not if you are not also cheering him on and thanking him when he does something well. Even multiple times.

The point is don’t always be negative. That will shut him down and cause him to withdraw almost every time. Try to say more positive things than negative things.

3. Recognize that he isn’t perfect.

There may be times that you don’t agree with a decision or direction…and there will be times that you were right. Don’t rub this in his face. Choose grace and humility. 

Respect means calling him to step up to his potential

This doesn’t mean being your husband’s Holy Spirit, but it does mean encouraging him to step up into the man that God has called him to be. Respect means caring enough to have difficult conversations that call him to draw closer to Christ. It means believing in who he is and who he can become.

Again don’t criticize but encourage. If you are critical of his leadership it will push him further away and he will just start deferring to you.

This is where understanding his giftings, talents and abilities is important and how your gifts, talents and abilities can compliment him and help him. 

Talk as a couple about what you are good at and not good at. That can help define who does what in the household. Finances, Cleaning, Cooking, Yardwork, 

That also means that he is not the perfect hallmark husband and never will be. Give him a break, give him grace. Believe the best about him and trust him. 

When he does something that hurts you, pray before you confront. Get in the right frame of mind and try not to let your emotions lead, but lead with submission and respect. Most men appreciate when you are direct and clear with what the problem is, but not when you are emotional or out of control.

Men can’t read your mind, so help him out. Not just hinting, but clearly say what the problem is or what happened that hurt you.

4. Watch your non-verbal language.

Did you know that non-verbal language makes up about 93% of our communication? Our tone of voice and body language are huge indicators of our respect level. Do you roll your eyes? Do you cross your arms? Do you look away when he is trying to talk with you?

This is one we have to constantly work on and need to keep reminding ourselves of. It’s hard to get right, but it’s so important that we do.

5. Seek to understand.

Don’t assume the worst. Assume the best and seek to understand his heart. Rather than seeking to be understood, you need to truly hear where he is coming from. It’s often a much better spot than you think.

Ask clarifying questions, don’t drill him with questions and make sure it’s not accusations. That will shut him down. Ask questions that will give him a chance to explain what happened or what he meant. 

This may be difficult, but ask a question and wait. You may even need to give him time to get back with you if he’s not in the right frame of mind. Giving permission for that can help him take time to answer right.

6. Be trustworthy.

While this needs to be in all areas, one example is in finances. Some wives that I have talked to hide purchases and packages from their husbands. This is dangerous. How can your husband feel respected (or even trust you) if you are deceptive in this (or any) area? When this happens, trust begins to erode. 

Men, if this happens it might mean that she is afraid of you and that’s a problem. Openly discuss your finances so there are no secrets and she knows where you are with the finances. 

As I said before, most men like when you are direct and to the point. Being trustworthy means you are not hiding things from each other. That you can talk about anything. If that is not your relationship, you can start to build trust slowly by being truthful in the little things. Admitting when you make a mistake, before being caught. Doing what you say you will do. 

When you show a man respect, he will trust you more.

7. Pray for your husband.

Pray for his heart and for his mind. Pray that God would protect him and cultivate a man who loves the Lord and is obedient to Him. Pray for his work and the place that he works, pray for him to have godly wisdom as he leads at work and home, pray for God to protect him from temptations and give him courage to follow Jesus everywhere he goes.

If he is not a believer, pray for his salvation. If he is a believer, pray for his relationship with Jesus to grow, for God to bring other godly men into his life, for God to speak to his heart.

God is the only one who can transform our hearts and we need to trust that God is in control. 

8. Have a gentle spirit.

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 1 Peter 3:3-4

Cloak yourselves with gentleness, grace, and humility. This is what will speak to your husband’s heart. “Gentle spirit” doesn’t mean being weak, but it does mean a spirit filled with humility and love.

Pray that you would be able to show respect, even when it’s difficult.

There will be times where showing respect isn’t easy. In these times you need to make sure that you are walking hand in hand with the Holy Spirit, having him guide your tongue, your thoughts, your actions, and your heart.

Just like with love, respect is a verb. It’s an active choice.

Wives, you have the ability to build your husbands up or tear them down. When you choose respect, you set a gracious tone to your home and your marriage.