Category: Personal Growth

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Questions to Ask Yourself

While I was on my run today some questions kept coming to my mind. Maybe these questions will get you thinking as well.

  • What motivates me the most?
  • What are the three most important people in my life?
  • If I could change one thing about myself, I would change…
  • Have I been totally honest with the people closest to me?
  • Do I have something I feel like I cannot share with anyone?
  • What do I need to do to improve my leadership ability by 5%?
  • Who do I need to spend more time with?
  • Who do I need to spend less time with?
  • In what areas of my life do I feel like I am struggling?
  • Who do I need to confront? Who do I need to apologize to?

When we ask ourselves questions like this it forces us to do an evaluation of where we are and where we want to be. The key to a successful life is that you are growing, learning and changing in a positive way. When you are humble enough to realize you can always improve and get better no matter where you are, then you can achieve amazing things.

I try to do this several times a year. Take a moment and think about these questions and write down some of your thoughts. Put in some action steps and then go and do it.

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The Happiness Sucker

“Worry is to joy, what a vacuum cleaner is to dirt; you might as well attach your heart to a happiness sucker and flip the switch.” Max Lucado said that, and it makes sense. Worry is focused negative thinking and it can get the best of us. Before we know it we are consumed with a certain problem or issue. It’s all we can think about and it sucks up our time, our thoughts, our energy and our joy.

Jesus tells us “give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

We don’t know what the future holds, but we do know the One who holds the future.

Have you discovered the difference between problems and facts? Problems are things we can do something about; we can solve problems. Facts are things we can do nothing about; therefore we do well not to worry about them. We should apply energy only to those things we can change. We can feel peace and act with poise, because we no longer beat our heads against an unbreakable wall, when we stop worrying and start trusting. When we stop worrying and focus on how we can change through this hardship.

Whatever you are facing today, know that God has promised to walk with you, to give you strength when you need it, courage and wisdom at just the right time. But that can only happen if we are giving our entire attention to what God is doing. So don’t allow worry to suck all the joy out of your life. Try some focused positive thinking for a change and see what happens.

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Courage

I came across this today in 2 Chronicles 19:11, the end of the verse – “Act with courage, and the Lord will be with the good.”

The English word for courage comes from the French word coeur, which means “heart”. That is where the saying “Don’t lose heart” comes from. Here are some thoughts about how to act with courage:

  1. It takes courage to face the truth about myself – Often the truth about ourselves is not something we like hearing.
  2. It takes courage to change when staying the same is more comfortable – When we step out of our comfort zone, we often get tested, but we also get stretched and can reach new heights we didn’t think we could reach.
  3. It takes courage to stand for our convictions when we know we will be challenged – Whenever we stand for something or try something that stretches us someone usually takes a shot at us. Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote: “Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon there’s always someone to tell you you’re wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to the end, requires the same courage a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men to win them.”
  4. Courage usually means getting it wrong before you get it right – It takes real courage and humility to learn from our mistakes and make changes to correct those mistakes. It takes courage to face reality and work at making things right.
  5. Courage means taking the “high road” – The high road may mean forgiving someone that hurt you and not holding a grudge. It may mean treating someone with kindness that does not deserve it. It may mean keeping your mouth shut when you would love to criticize or attack. When we practice true forgiveness we show incredible courage.
  6. Adversity is our friend – Each obstacle we face in life teaches us about our strengths and weaknesses. It shapes us, sharpens us and helps us to depend on God more. If there where no adversity in our lives we would not grow or make needed changes in our lives. Adversity brings opportunity to display courage and character.

In what areas of your life do you need more courage? What might God be trying to teach you in your current adversity? How can you take the high road with whatever you are facing? What lessons have you learned from the mistakes you just made?

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Determination

Determination is a character quality that I admire and strive for in my own life. All of us need encouragement to endure rather than escape hardship. Determination is essential for seeing a project through to completion and it stirs hope and keeps us positive during the long haul of life’s problems.

Here are two things I know about life:

  • Opposition and hardship is inevitable.

Paul talks about this in 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 – “We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken. What they did to Jesus they did to us – trial & torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does to us – he lives! … While we’re going through the worst, you’re getting in on the best.”

The opposition we face today is not much different than what Paul faced. There are relational struggles, marital disharmony’s, difficulties connected with parenting and financial strains. There are also work challenges, sickness, job loss, accidents and injuries. There is no escaping the downside of human life. Just recently I was in a car accident that reminded me that life can be difficult and change in a split second.

Opposition and difficulties, pain, disappointments, and heartache are reality. Expect them. That way you won’t be caught off guard when they happen.

The second thing I know is:

  • Motivation is Essential:

Paul goes on to say this in verses 16-18 – “So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.”

Usually everything in us cries out “just quit” when we encounter life’s irritations, one after another. But Paul’s counsel is to not lose heart. He is telling us that an attitude of fortitude is needed in life…the motivation of determination. A positive never-say-die attitude is needed to make it through life’s hardships.

One of the best examples of determination I know of is Nehemiah. The book of Nehemiah describes the story of Nehemiah returning to the destroyed city of Jerusalem to rebuild the walls that protected the city, so that the city could be rebuilt and repopulated.

He had three oppressive obstacles:

  • Verbal criticism – people openly critical of what he was trying to do
  • Secret conspiracy – people working behind his back to stop what he was doing
  • Deception – people using intimidation, fear, lies and rumors to stop progress

Despite all of that he completed his project in 52 days. That took leadership and determination. It’s the same way in our lives. When we understand and embrace what Jesus did for us, we can face any opposition or hardship with a positive attitude and determination to make it through no matter what. Here are four helpful hints for living a life of determination:

  1. Never let life’s difficulties surprise you. Monitor your expectations, be realistic instead of idealistic
  2. Keep a positive perspective. Remind yourself that God is awesome and in control. Focus on your goals or your most important priorities and don’t get distracted by criticism or circumstances.
  3. Fight your battles on your knees. Nehemiah spent a lot of time praying. He prayed for help, for protection, for wisdom, for strength, for God’s intervention. Mix brief moments of prayer into your everyday encounters, and spend extended time with God pouring out your heart.
  4. Stay close to others. God never meant for us to be lone rangers. None of us are totally self-sufficient. Having community or relationships with other people is vital in making it through hardships and opposition. Surround yourself with good people.

Whatever you are facing today, know that God is with you and for you. He has promised to never leave us and to walk through every valley with us. Like Nehemiah and Paul we can have extraordinary determination only when we plug into God. It’s our choice, I suggest plugging into him and following his lead. Be determined to finish the journey you have started on the path God put you on.

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The Decision

I don’t know if you have been following the whole LeBron James decision thing or not. I am a big basketball fan and my favorite team is the Cleveland Cavaliers. I must say that I am disappointed that he is leaving to go play in Miami. This had to be a tough decision for a young man to make, he is only 25. I remember when I was 25, looking back I now realize how little I really knew then.

I must say that I do respect LeBron’s passion for winning. He was willing to take less money and not be the top dog on the team in order to win. He could have made more money in Cleveland and he could have been more famous in New York, yet he chose winning and personal happiness.

LeBron James is very good at what he does and I wish him and his family the best.

So how should we approach the big decisions in our life? Should I take that new job? Should we buy that house or that new car? Should I get married or stay single? Should I go back to school and get a degree? Should we get a divorce or keep working on it? Should we move to a new city? Should I eliminate some things from my life? Should I say yes or no to this new big project?

Here are several things I try to do when facing a big decision:

  1. Start Praying – I know that sounds religious, but God has promised to give us wisdom if we ask for it and follow his principles in life. When I begin to consistently pray for wisdom to make the right decision, God has always given me direction, through other people, bringing thoughts to my mind, helping me to focus and giving me peace.
  2. Ask Questions and seek advice – I try to find someone that in knowledgeable about the area I am facing. Maybe someone that has gone through what I am going through. Maybe a financial advisor, maybe a Christian Counselor, maybe a trusted friend.
  3. Write down the pros and cons – For me it helps to put it on paper. What are the positives and negatives of making this decision. I write down everything I can think of on both sides. Sometimes I even ask others to give me their pros and cons.
  4. Don’t rush – I try never to make an emotional decision. Going slow is usually the best approach. We don’t always have that luxury, but often taking our time is the best approach. Do your homework and research and pray.
  5. Do what is right, not what is convenient – Try to think about what would be best in the long term for you and your family. Evaluate all the options. Saying no to a big opportunity because it would put to much stress on you or your family can be hard, but could be best in the long term. Ask God what the right thing to do is.
  6. Ask your self lots of questions – I try to ask myself things like why do I want to do this? What am I afraid of? If I do this how would it affect my wife & family? Will this make me a better person? Will this decision hurt other people? Will this improve my current situation or put me into more stress? What would Jesus tell me to do?

If you are facing “The Decision”, walk through these steps and then make the best decision you can. You won’t always get it right, but if you follow these guidelines it will help you make better decisions most of the time. When you get it wrong, admit it and try to not dig a deeper hole.

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Meekness

I have been thinking about the word meek today. Just the sound of that world brings to mind a weak, quiet, kind of backward type person. As a leader we want to be known for being strong, courageous and bold. In our relationships we don’t want to be taken advantage of, so meekness is typically not on our radar. So being meek, doesn’t sound all that appealing to me.

Yet it is listed as a positive character quality by Character First and Jesus used this word in his first sermon. As I was reading through Mathew chapter 5 this morning I noticed this word. The other thing I noticed is that I highlighted verses 3, 4, 6, 7, 8 in the past while reading this Scripture. I did not highlight verse 5. It says “Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.” In the past I just skimmed over that because I did not like the word meek. So what does this word mean?

The dictionary defines the word meek as humble, patient or docile, overly submissive or compliant; spiritless; tame; gentle, kind. I don’t know about you, but I do not like some of those words. Another definition from Character First is “Yielding my personal rights and expectations with a desire to serve.” That is a little better.

If you study the life of Jesus, you will discover that Jesus was meek, but in a very good way. Matthew 11:29 describes Jesus as gentle and humble in heart. Meekness is not weakness as many people think. Jesus was meek, yet He drove the money changers from the temple. Moses was meek (Numbers 12:3), yet he judged sinners and even faced Aaron with his sin. Meekness means not asserting my own rights, but living for the glory of God. Christians are to show meekness, because we are prone to be self-willed and selfish. When we have the attitude of meekness it stands out in a selfish world.

Being meek is really about our attitude toward others. Are we teachable, or do we think we know it all? Do we always get defensive and have to prove ourselves as right, or can we simply allow others to be right. There are times that we must defend ourselves, yet most of the time it is not helpful. There is a reason Jesus described meekness as an attitude that should be in our lives. There is a great inheritance for those that are meek. I love the Message version of Mathew 5:5 “You’re blessed when you are content with just who you are, no more no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.”

There is something good about a person that is content with who they are. They are not trying to pretend to be someone they are not, or to impress other people. They are real. They think about how they can help and serve the people around them to make them better. They have compassion for people that are hurting and in need of help. They are generous with their time and listen intently to try to understand. They seem more interested in your life than their own when you talk with them. They are not judgmental in their attitude, but truly are interested in you as a person.

That is the kind of person we like to be around. That is how Jesus was, and people loved hanging out with him. This week I am going to work on this character quality of meekness. I am praying that I can have a greater desire to serve the people around me and make them feel important. I want to be humble in heart like Jesus was. How about you?

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Taking Inventory

I was having breakfast with a couple of guys this week and one of the guys started sharing about how he turned his business around and started making progress and profits. This is what he told me:

I decided one day that I would take inventory of everything we are doing and stop doing anything that did not make money. If I can’t can’t make it doing only those things, then I planned on closing my shop and doing something else.

This was risky, because he would be turning customers away if it did not fall into one of the remaining services he wanted to do. He actually started referring the jobs that where labor intensive, but not profitable to his competitors. Over the years this strategy worked well for him. It allowed him to become very good at the work they did. The quality of the work improved and the level of customer service improved as well. By narrowing the focus he was able to become much more profitable.

I happen to work at a church and we have the same sort of strategy. We use phrases like less is more and narrow the focus in our strategy conversations. As a church we are not trying to make a profit, but we are trying to be really effective at leading people into a growing relationship with Jesus Christ. If we get too distracted with all kinds of ministry (labor intensive) activity we become less effective at reaching people and helping them grow.

It also is the same in our relationships. What would happen if you would take an inventory of all your current behaviors and actions? What if today you decided to narrow the focus in your marriage or important relationships and throw out all the stuff that doesn’t help, like unforgiveness, anger, sarcasm, the silent treatment, defensiveness, hurtful words, neglect, fear. jealousy, procrastination and selfishness. What is you only allowed things like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, righteousness and self-control to be evident in your life.

You might think that is impossible, but with God it is possible. Invite God into your relationships and into your heart and ask him for those things to become your new inventory. When you do that your profits will start to increase and everyone around you will benefit. So what are you going to stop doing today, so that you can be more profitable later?

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A Hike In The Woods

The other day my wife and I were out hiking in the woods with her two nieces and nephew. They are visiting from Florida. As we were walking the trails they kept talking about who is leading. One would take the lead, but then the others would go a different direction or jump in front. At one point Emily told her sister Allison “if you want to lead you have to keep moving”. Allison was getting distracted with all the stuff around her and not leading us.

As I thought about that statement, I keep thinking how true it is. As a leader you have to keep moving. You are a leader if you have influence with anyone. It is vital that you can make decisions and keep your organization or your family moving forward. If you stop moving, people will pass you by. Others in your organization will start leading, your kids will start leading. As a leader you can’t get distracted by all the stuff around you. You have to keep thinking about where you are going and how to get there. Focus is vital and the more you narrow that focus the more effective you will be.

Where I work and lead, I am working hard at narrowing my focus. I can so easily get distracted with good causes and peoples emergencies and soon I am lost and treading water. What I will do to get back on the path is to get away for a few hours to think, plan and dream. If you don’t take time to think, plan and dream you will tend to stop moving and you simple manage what you have. It is the same in my marriage. If I want to lead well in my marriage I need to think, plan and dream about the kind of marriage I desire.

When I think about moving I also think about growing as a person. If you are not learning and stretching you are not moving. If you are trying to lead at work better, try finding someone that does something similar to you and interview them. Go find the top people in your business and learn from them. If you want to lead better in your marriage or with your kids, find someone that has been successful in that area and talk to them. Ask lots of questions and then try to implement some of the things you learn.

Are you moving or blocking the path? How can you make sure you are moving as a leader?

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How Safe Are You?

Are your important relationships healthy? Here is a test you can take to see how healthy your marriage or other important relationships are doing. Be very honest in answering these and then score yourself.

How do you know if your key relationships feel safe with you?

Pick your most important relationship(s) and complete the follow sentence (fill in the blank with my spouse, my best friend, my children, my coworkers, my classmates, my teammates etc.)

___________________ probably feel(s)

Use this scale

5 Often, 3 Sometimes, 1 Never

  1. _____ I judge or criticize them.
  2. _____ I neglect to find them fascinating and I’m not curious to understand them when they are different from me.
  3. _____ I blame them for how I feel when they offend me or hurt my feelings.
  4. _____ I expect them to be my main source of joy and fulfillment.
  5. _____ I’m nervous when we are together because they seem to be afraid to open up and share their deepest feelings, suggestions and needs with me.
  6. _____ When I think out loud with them, I criticize them.
  7. _____ I neglect to be concerned about every area of their life.
  8. _____ I underestimate their value and where their priority is in my life.
  9. _____ They seem to be tense spending time with me.
  10. _____ I neglect to value their opinions, ideas, concerns, expectations, feelings and needs.
  11. _____ I neglect to value their physical, mental, emotional or spiritual uniqueness (gender, body type, personality).
  12. _____ I hesitate to trust their words and actions daily.
  13. _____ I like to dominate how they feel about themselves.
  14. _____ I neglect to praise them for what they do and say.
  15. _____ I neglect to repair relational damage quickly.
  16. _____ My anger is out of control with them.
  17. _____ I neglect to partner with them in finding win-win solutions to mutual problems or disagreements.
  18. _____ I resist the idea that we are on the same relational team.
  19. _____ I slack at working hard to have a loving and fulfilling relationship.
  20. _____ I have a hard time forgiving them when they offend me.

Scoring:
20-40 – Others feel safe with you. (The goal is to hit 20)
41-70 – You need improvement for others to feel safe with you.
71-100 – Others feel very unsafe with you.

Deep, satisfying and fulfilling friendships are more naturally developed when the relationship becomes safer each day. What can you do today to make your important relationships safe?

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Choices Part 3

I have been writing about how our thoughts affect our emotions and then our behavior. To bring about lasting long-term change in our lives we need to transform our minds. I started sharing some Scriptures that have helped me to transform my thinking. The first two are Ephesians 3:16-20 and 2 Corinthians 10:3-5.

Today I want to share a powerful truth that has transformed my life. I first heard this truth on a business tape someone gave me. It wasn’t until later that I realized this comes from God’s word. Here it is: You become what you think!

Proverbs 23:7 says “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” and in Galatians 6:7 it says “A man reaps what he sows.”

Whatever thoughts we sow into our mind, we will reap the consequences. We become what we think. Everything about us is the result of what we have been thinking about. Daydreaming is thinking, planning is thinking, doubt is thinking, reacting to circumstances is thinking, imagining is thinking, guilt is thinking, jealousy is thinking and on and on.

Years of self talk or thinking have shaped us into the person we are today. Our personality, the way we see ourselves, other people and God is shaped by what we think about. If we have been thinking things like “bad things are always happening to me, I just can’t do anything right, I am not good at anything, everyone takes advantage of me” that shapes the person we are today. Any continual practice of negative thinking will bring on negative emotions, actions and words.

This truth became real for me when God was calling me to full-time ministry. I felt God was asking me to step out into ministry, but I was very confused and unsure of the future. I had a great job with a solid company. While I was their I kept thinking and acting like I was already in full-time ministry at this company. I remember telling myself over and over again that I am a pastor that happens to be working at this company. That impacted the way I treated my fellow employees and clients. The way I viewed my role in the company and the way I responded to circumstances was shaped by my thoughts.

After about two years of that line of thinking, I actually was given the opportunity to go on staff at my local church. I remember telling God that I was willing to stay where I was at as long as he wanted me there. I was not in control of anything except my thinking. When I left no one in the company was surprised, they knew that was a great fit for me and celebrated with me when I left.

The same thing can happen when we think in a negative way. When something bad happens to us, we are in control of what we think about this bad thing. Those thoughts determine your future emotions, words and actions. The range of emotions from joy to sadness come from our thoughts. When you think a certain way long enough it becomes a belief and when we believe something long enough we become what we believe.

If we are thinking the worst about our spouse, we tend to treat them in a negative way. It causes our emotions to be negative toward him or her and therefore our actions and words follow. That brings about a slow death to the relationship.

That is why it is so critical to think about what is true. When we feed our mind truth and we focus our thinking on the things of God it shapes who we are and how we respond to everything.

So what are you thinking about? What gets most of your attention? What do you think about yourself? Where do you see yourself next year? What do you think about God? What do you think about your spouse? Your boss? Your parents? Your job? Your church?

Who are you becoming? What you are sowing today, will eventually become a reality. The more we seek God the more we start to think like He thinks and the more we transform who we are.