Category: Personal Growth

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Mixed Messages

Why do we send mixed messages? I mean in our relationships, at work, in our marriages, with our children and yes even at church. Saying one thing and then doing another. Talking one way and then living or behaving another. Asking to have it one way and then you doing it the opposite. How about saying you love someone and then showing you don’t.

This is an area that has really been jumping out at me lately. People not walking the talk. I really think this is a problem in many relationships today. In our minds we know what is right and good, but somehow it doesn’t reach our heart. It is the heart that dictates our behaviors and our actions.

You see this in the church as well. We say we love all people and want everyone to come to know Jesus Christ. Then our behaviors, our words and our actions don’t line up with that. We speak a language of insiders, we expect everyone to look, dress, talk and act like we do. We put on a friendly outward appearance and then go out and do whatever we want to do. Every church struggles with this problem. The reason I know this, is because the church is made up of people. Imperfect people that send mixed messages. Outsiders see these messages and ask why they should become a part of all that. They don’t get a real good look at Jesus.

I don’t think Jesus ever sent any mixed messages. He spoke the truth and loved people. He attacked the religious people and reached out to the outsiders. He was authentic and real to everyone all the time. He did not pretend everything was great when it wasn’t. He faced temptations and overcame them every time, because of his heart. His heart was pure and full of truth.

A friend of mine told this story about a guy he has gotten to know. His friend was at a restaurant meeting with another friend. This friend was trying to share Jesus with him. He was trying to convince him that he needed Jesus in his life. When the waitress came up this guy ripped her because the last time he was in they got his eggs wrong. When he was done ripping her he turned to his friend and continued to talk about him needing Jesus. That is a mixed message and that small action turned off whatever light had begun to shine.

How about in your marriage or special relationships? Do you disrespect your husband and then expect him to show love to you? Do you demand respect from your wife and then do or say unloving things to her? Do you discipline your children for certain behaviors and then do them yourself? Do you ever catch yourself saying or thinking, “Do as I say, not as I do”?

Do your actions and behaviors line up with your words? Do you ever try to manipulate to get your own way? These are heart questions, is everything OK in your heart? Ask God to help change your heart and stop sending mixed messages.

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This Week

This week I want to move from reactive to proactive, from unfocused to focused, from unclear to clarity, from being driven by circumstances to being directed by purpose.

To do that I must carve out time to work “on” things and also schedule time time to work “in” things. What I mean by that is this: “On” time is when you step back and take a look at the big picture. It’s like getting into a helicopter and taking a look from above. It’s when you spend time thinking, observing, planning, prioritizing, reading and studying. This is a time for self-development and identifying where your blind spots are. It’s a time of putting your strategy together for the coming days, weeks and months. It’s sharpening your ax.

“In” time is also important. That’s when you do administrative things. The day-to-day stuff that needs to get done. The reports that need completed, the emails, voice mails, notes, memos and meetings. It’s doing the laundry, washing the dishes and sweeping the carpet. “In” time is a vital part of every leader’s day. If you don’t pay attention to the details some of the time you lose track of things and balls get dropped.

So this week I am going to work on a better balance of “on” time and “in” time. The only way to do that is to think ahead and plan out your week. By planning out your week, you bring clarity, purpose and focus to the things you are doing.

Lead ON

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Focus

One of the things I have to constantly be working on is focus. It is so easy to get distracted by urgent things, fun things, or things other people could do for you. Where I work the pace is fairly high. I find myself “busy” sometimes, instead of productive. When that starts happening, I have to re-focus myself. I need to step back and look at the big picture and start asking myself some questions. It can be that way not only in our work lives, but also our personal and spiritual lives as well. Here are some questions I found from Bob Biehl that have been helpful for me:

  1. What three changes in me would most please our Eternal God in His Holy Heaven?
  2. What can I do to make the most significant difference for God in my lifetime?
  3. Why am I on the earth?
  4. If I could accomplish only three measurable priorities (Problems to solve, Goals to reach, Opportunities to seize) before I die, what would I accomplish?
  5. If I could only accomplish three measurable priorities in the next ten years, that would make a 50% difference in my life-long contribution, what would I accomplish?
  6. What single word best captures the focus of my next year?
  7. What three land mines, or roadblocks need my immediate attention?
  8. If I had to cut my budget 20%, what would be the first three things to go?
  9. If I got a surprise gift of 20% of my budget, what three things would I do immediately?
  10. What three changes could improve the quality of my work by 50% in the next 12 months?

These are big forward thinking questions. They help to get us out of the here and now. It’s kind of like having your hand two inches in front of your face. All you can see is your hand. If you fully stretch out your arm you can see beyond your hand.

If you need to bring some focus to your work or to your life, start asking some of these questions. When you know what the most important things are in your life, you can then begin to focus on those areas.

I still must work on the small things, the urgent things, the boring things and the unimportant things. I still need to have fun and relax. But you actually have more time for those things when you do the important stuff first.

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Life Plan

Do you have a clear idea of what is most important to you in life and how you can achieve those things?

Do you know the disciplines, improvements and outcomes necessary to win in life?

If that is a little fuzzy for you then maybe you need to take a time out from life and develop a life plan. What is a life plan you ask? Why is that important?

A lot of leaders, myself included, spend most of their planning time setting goals. Most of us set goals, but very few experience real long-term success. When we reach a goal, we enjoy it for a moment and then are on to the next goal. By taking the approach of a life plan you begin to see that every decision you make will either increase or decrease your success in the important areas of your life. Every decision incurs a cost somewhere. More time at work can deplete your account at home.

Most successful people are running at a very high pace. Especially if you are doing something you are passionate about. We tend to think that we will run at this pace for a while and then later on I can slow down and get to the other areas of my life. That does not happen, it doesn’t get any slower tomorrow. We always find something else to keep us busy.

By developing a life plan, you become proactive instead of reactive. I am trying very hard to be more proactive in my life instead of just reacting to what happens. Psalm 90:12 says “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” We have a limited number of days. None of us knows how many days we have left.

To develop a life plan you need time to think and plan. To think through how you want to be remembered by those around you. What kind of a legacy are you leaving behind? What is your purpose or mission in life. How can you add value to each of the main accounts or relationships in your life.

There are some good tools out there to help you through this process. One that I am using is a book called “Becoming A Coaching Leader” by Daniel Harkavy. This book has been challenging me to grow as a leader. He has a great tool for developing a life plan. I am excited about working through this process. I challenge each of you to start this process as well. If you need help let me know and I will share what I have learned.

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Community & Change

Have you ever wondered why a growing amount of people are experiencing loneliness in our culture? Have you wondered why we can feel so disconnected even when we are surrounded by people and consumed with the busyness of work, family and church commitments?

The Bible talks a lot about healthy, intimate connections and relationships with other Christians, not only for support and encouragement, but as a vital ingredient for lasting change.

Our culture has encouraged us to be individuals and to face things on our own. It is important to take personal responsibility for our actions, but many Christians have taken the mindset of it’s just Jesus and me battling against my sin nature and trying to become more like Christ. When you make the decision to follow Christ, you are never alone again. God designed His system to have community as one of the main ingredients in personal change.

However, getting involved in community is messy, time-consuming and complicated. It seems easier to just work on ourselves privately with God. Change is something God intends his people to experience together. It’s a corporate goal. Each of our individual stories is part of a bigger picture that God is orchestrating. We each have an important role in that story.

I met with a friend today that has been facing some deep rooted issues. He has been making remarkable changes in his life over the past several months. One of the biggest reasons he has been changing so drastically is because he has fully embraced community. He had always been in groups before, but after this last situation he took his lumps and was open about his struggles with those close to him.

He also pursued accountability with some people he was close with. Having that community of people to surround him has helped him to make real “heart changes”. He turned to God and community as a way to start changing.

I know people that profess to be Christians and yet don’t go to Church or meet with other Christians in a small group. They make comments like as long as I have the Lord in my heart I don’t need that community. Paul writes in Ephesians 2:19-22 about us being fellow citizens and members of God’s household. He gives us a picture of a building or temple that has Christ as the cornerstone and the apostles and prophets as the foundation. The rest of us make up the remaining building. We are being built together.

Paul continues in chapter three to pray for them as a family, to grow in understanding how much God loves them. As isolated individuals, we cannot reach the level of maturity God has designed for us. This fullness can only happen as we live in a healthy, right, community with one another.

Paul goes on in Chapter four about unity in the body of Christ. We are to be humble, gentle and patient with each other. We are to make every effort to stay in unity with each other. We are to work through conflict, communicate openly, confront lovingly and support each other when there is a need.

So what’s the bottom line? A Christian is not only a child of God, but a member of the family of God. We cannot grow to the fullness God has for us living independently of others. Personal transformation takes place in the context of healthy community.

If you are continuing to struggle with a certain sin or issue, maybe you need to bring more community or accountability into your life. When we get past the fear of what others might think about us and take a risk to be open and honest, real change can happen in your life. god can begin to use you in the bigger story He is writing.

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My Biggest Challenge

Every week I have to fill out a report at work that summarizes what I did last week and what I am working on and focusing on. We call it the 5/15 report (5 minutes for my boss to read and 15 minutes for me to fill out).

One of the questions on that report is “what is your biggest challenge right now”? For me the biggest challenge has been and always will be me.

Leading myself is what determines how well I lead and help others. If you are really honest with yourself, this is true of all of us. We tend to be the biggest roadblock to our own success.

So, if this is the biggest challenge many of us face, how do you lead yourself? Here is my top 20 ways to lead yourself:

  • Spend time with God on a regular basis (prayer, reading the Bible, meditation)
  • Discover your strength and focus on developing those strengths – Understand your weaknesses and manage around them
  • Character is a big deal – It’s what you do when no one is looking that matters
  • Find systems that help you work and live smarter
  • Read
  • Ask Questions
  • Find mentors and organizations that you can learn from
  • Have someone holding you accountable – Give them permission to ask tough questions
  • Continually work at listening better
  • Don’t be afraid to fail or take risks, but learn from your failures
  • Surround yourself with good people that are strong in your areas of weakness
  • Be Humble – Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking less about yourself
  • Be willing to step out of your comfort zone – Do something that stretches and challenges you
  • Pay attention – To people, to culture, to circumstances, to body language etc.
  • The things you do today are preparing you for your defining moments of the future. Little things matter
  • Think about the big picture every day – Work on it not in it
  • Get help – It is OK to go to a counselor, pastor or doctor
  • Make sure you are healthy Emotionally & Physically – This takes discipline
  • Don’t forget to relax and have fun

I could list many other things, but this is a good start. The better you lead yourself, the better your relationships will be and the more valuable you become to the people around you.

Lead On!

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New Years Reading List

Happy New Year!

This time of year usually is a time for people to make resolutions or goals for the coming year. Many people have new hope of making some changes in their lives. That is all good, but many fall short after only a couple of months. January & February are busy months for the weight loss and exercise business. My question is this: If you could change one thing in 2009, what would it be?

One thing that I have tried to do each year to grow and change is to meet new people and read good books. The people you meet and the books you read will impact you more than you can imagine. To do that, you must be intentional about getting out to meet people, to seek a mentor, to get into a small group, to make an appointment for lunch or breakfast. You also need to plan on what you want to read this year. So start planning on who you need to meet and what you need to read.

Maybe you want your marriage to change this year. A great way to start that process, is to read some books about marriage and relationships. You could also go see a counselor or pastor and even better, find a couple with a healthy marriage and meet with them and get to know how they worked through their problems.

Here are some books on marriage and relationships you should consider:

Love & Respect by Emerson Eggrichs
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
The DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley

If you have read those three, contact me for more good marriage books.

Whatever you want to change in 2009, starts with your decision to change yourself. I hope that 2009 rocks your world. I hope that you will be stretched out of your comfort zone; that you will be challenged in new, unexpected ways; that God will give you a burden for something; that you will have courage to walk through the doors God opens in your life; that God will heal you emotionally, spiritually relationally and physically.

So what am I reading in the coming year? I always have a stack of books on my to read list. Some I don’t get to and I often add to it throughout the year. Many come from recommendations of others, or favorite authors. In any case, I hope you will read more this year and meet some new people that can help you grow.

Here is my reading list:

Non-Fiction:
Unchristian by David Kinnaman & Gabe Lyons (Currently Reading)
How People Change by Timothy Lane & Paul David Tripp (Currently Reading)
Discovering God’s Daily Agenda, 365 Daily Devotional by Henry & Richard Blackaby
Crazy Love by Francis Chan
Jesus Wants to Save Christians by Rob Bell
Sex God by Rob Bell
Sex Begins in the Kitchen: Creating Intimacy to Make Your Marriage Sizzle, By Kevin Leman
Becoming A Coaching Leader by Daniel Harkavy
True North: Discover Your Authentic Leadership by Bill George
Axiom: Powerful Leadership Proverbs by Bill Hybels
Just Courage: God’s Great Expedition for the Restless Christian by Gary Haugen

Fiction:
Split Second by David Baldacci (Currently Reading)
The Last Juror by John Grisham
The Partner by John Grisham

The Bible – NCV

Change & Grow!

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Salt Shaker

I have been reading the book of Mark. This is the shortest of the four Gospels. Mark is writing to Roman Christians, trying to show them that Jesus was the Messiah. He talks a lot about what Jesus did and basically shares the important highlights of Jesus’ ministry.

At the end of Chapter 9, verse 50 really jumped out at me. I have been thinking about this one verse for several days now and thought I would write about it.

“Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with each other.” Jesus

Jesus was the best, at saying a lot in a few words. Many preachers today say a lot of words and but don’t say a whole lot.

Just before this quote from Jesus he was warning his disciples about temptation. He was telling them to get rid of anything that may cause you or even tempt you to sin. Even to the extreme of cutting off your hand or plucking out your eye. I guess He wanted us to get the point.

He concludes by talking about salt. Salt is good, because it adds flavor to food and it counteracts decay in food. But if salt gets stale and loses it saltiness it is of little value to add flavor or preserve food.

This is a great analogy for Christians. Christians are supposed to add flavor to the world around them. In other words, we are to influence the world for Jesus Christ. We also are here to prevent moral decay in the world, by living right lives and honoring God with all we do. By loving other people, even the unlovable ones.

So why do many Christians lose their saltiness? We drift, we get lukewarm, we lose our focus, we get judgemental, we get busy and distracted.

Imagine a salt shaker on your table. It holds the salt, but the salt can only get out if someone shakes it. The local church is the salt shaker, this is where the salt can come and rub up against each other and get salty. It is a place to be encouraged, challenged and refueled. It is a place to build community, serve, give and care for each other. Then the Holy Spirit does the shaking and gets the salt out into the world. The church with the strong hand of the Holy Spirit, shakes the salt out into the community.

The salt does no good, if it stays in the salt shaker. It needs to get out of the bottle and into the world. It is the same in the local church. Each person that calls themselves a Christian needs to get out into the world and be an influence. It means living righteous lives and loving God with everything we have seven days a week. It means loving other people as much as we love ourselves and God. It is having our actions match up with our words.

Jesus tells us to have salt in ourselves. How salty are you? Are people influenced in a positive way when they come into contact with you? Is your personal life decaying? Are your relationships decaying? What flavor are you adding to the relationships you have?

Got Salt?

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Gardening

This week I spoke at Leader’s Edge on Wednesday. On the first Wednesday of each month NewPointe holds a breakfast and a lunch meeting in the community to talk about leadership.

This month the topic was “Charting your Future”. My opening question was this: How many of you have ever had to cram for a test? Maybe you slacked off during class or skipped class and then had to stay up most of the night to cram for the test.

Can you imagine trying to cram on a farm? You forget to plant in the Spring, and spend the summer fishing, golfing and playing video games. Then in the Fall, you suddenly realize you need to have a harvest for money. You quickly plow up the fields and plant the seeds. You even fertilize the soil. How would that work?

You might laugh at that, but we do the same thing in many areas of our lives. How about your physical health? Can you spend years eating whatever you want and getting little exercise, and then spend a few days working out and then go run a 5k or a half marathon or play full-court basketball? Or how about getting a bad report from your doctor. You are motivated to start eating right and exercising, but you don’t see immediate results. You can’t cram your health.

How about your marriage? You spend 15 years of marriage, doing your own thing, hurting each other, ignoring each other, not communicating or resolving conflict, not speaking each-others love language and then suddenly realize you must work on it or get divorced. You can’t cram your marriage and make it better in a month.

So do you get the idea of cramming?

So here is the next question: How many of you have a garden or have had a garden in the past?

Most of us have experienced gardening to some degree. Mine is not so good. When we bought our house over 10 years ago the previous owners had big garden in the lower field behind our house. I was excited to have a big garden, because growing up my mom had a great garden. I tilled up the entire area and planted a bunch of seeds.

I soon realized that the garden was out of sight from the house, so I often forgot it was there. I also did not like lugging water down there when it was dry. So needless to say I neglected the garden. By late summer the weeds were higher than the plants and the harvest was not good.

The second year I downsized and put half in grass. I got the same result.

The third year I planted all grass. Now we have a very small garden up near the house, so that we can take care of it and keep is watered and weeded. My wife now makes most of the decisions for the garden and I am the support person (till the soil, pull some weeds and eat the veggies).

So here is the point to this story:

Our lives are like a garden. To have a successful garden you need to do these four things well:

Plant, Cultivate, Water and Weed.

  • Plant – You need to know what you are going to plant in your garden. In your life, you need to know what the most important things are. What is your vision and purpose for your life? The help think about that ask yourself these questions. What would you want the people closest to you to say at your funeral? What would you focus on this week if you had only 6 months to live? Write out your purpose statement and decide what are the most important areas of your life. My purpose statement is this “Growing in Faith, Character and Leadership.” I have a half page written that describes the person I want to be as well.
  • Cultivate – Once you have decided what the most important seeds are for you, you need to prepare the soil for planting. In your life garden, that means setting some goals for each of those important seeds. We are good at setting goals at work, but not so good at setting goals in other areas of our lives like our marriages, finances, friendships, faith, physical and emotional health. To cultivate, you need to sit down and think about each of those areas and then set some goals for each of those areas.
  • Water – Nothing grows without water. If you want you goals to grow and happen, you need to water them. This takes some action. You need to find a system that helps you take action on your goals. It may be a weekend getaway with you spouse to plan out the coming year. Where you talk about how you want to improve your relationship and then schedule time together, schedule vacations, decide what book to read together or what seminar to go to. You need to plan out your weeks and months in advance with your your goals in front of you. If your health is important then you need to schedule workout times. If your faith is important you need to schedule spiritual growth times.
  • Weed – Weeding is necessary to have healthy plants. We all need to be constantly weeding all areas of our lives. What do you need to decide not to do? I have been working on a “to don’t” list for 2009. What do you need to stop doing or say no to? It might be some good, fun things, but they might be taking away from the important things. We also sometime like to keep special weeds in our garden. Things we like, but we know are not good for us. We try to keep them in the corner of the garden. The problem with that, is they creep into the rest of the garden, and all of a sudden we are drowning in weeds. What weeds do you need to pull and through out of the garden completely?

So start thinking about 2009 and start planting, cultivating, watering and weeding. Don’t cram the important areas of your life.

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Road Trip

One of the things I do to try to keep learning and growing is to visit other people that are doing what I am doing. I try to find people that are further ahead of me as far as experience and education. Even when I was in the business world I tried to work this principle. I would set up a meeting with someone and then ask them a bunch of questions and find out about their systems and how they work. I would look for people that are successful, have shown results and are growing as leaders.

On Thursday I had one of those meetings. I drove almost two hours to meet with a pastor from another church. I had been referred to him by my Executive Coach. On the two hour trip I used that time to listen to a couple of CD lessons on leadership and Pastoral Care. I also cranked out some good tunes. The road time helped me to relax and learn. I listened to an amazing tape by John Maxwell call “In celebration of the imperfect leader”. Good stuff, that I am going to share with some other people.

My meeting went very well. I immediately connected with him and we began sharing with each other. He asked me some good questions to find out a little bit about me. Then he shared some of his background and experience and what they have been doing to help and equip people to thrive in their relationships. The meeting really encouraged me, because we are doing many very similar types of ministries to care for and equip people. It is exciting to me to find a like minded person and to be able to talk about things that are on my mind every day. Our leadership styles seemed to also be similar. I can see why he has been successful in helping and equipping people to grow in their walk with God and other people.

I walked away from this meeting with some great resources and some really good ideas on how to improve how we are doing things at NewPointe. This simple road trip has given me new energy and vision for the areas that I lead. I hope this new relationship will continue for many years to come.

So here are my take aways on doing road trips:

1. I need to find more mentors to keep my vision growing and my passion hot.
2. I need to get the appointments on my calendar.
3. I need to use the time wisely, by asking lots of questions and keeping my mouth shut.
4. I need to make sure I get out of the office on a road trip once per quarter.
5. I need to stay connected with my mentors and coaches on a regular basis.
6. I need to take some people with me.

I hope you will consider finding a mentor or a coach to help you take your next step as a leader, manager, husband, wife, friend or child of God.

Lead On!