Category: Personal Growth

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Cows vs. Buffalo

I was listening to a podcast interview with author and speaker Rory Vanden, talking about his new book Take the Stairs: 7 Steps to Achieving True Success. I bought the book today and plan on reading it right away.

One of the stories he talked about was about the difference between cows and buffalo.

In Colorado they have both cows and buffalo. One of the unique differences is how they react when a storm is heading their way. Cows will see a storm coming and will turn and try to run away from the storm. The storm usually catches them and they actually run with the storm and suffer along the way. The Buffalo will see a storm coming and will run right at the storm. They end up running right through the storm and only encounter a short time of suffering and discomfort.

Most of us act more like cows than buffalo. We try to avoid the storms of life by running away from them. Our natural response is to escape and run in the opposite direction, when we really should run right at the storm.

When we run at the storm we are facing reality and are doing the hard thing. But by doing the hard thing we minimize the pain long-term by making the difficult decision now.

So if your in the midst of a storm, turn and face it. Don’t allow the fear of the storm to make you turn tail and run. Have the hard conversation, ask the tough questions, set the firm boundaries, say no and run right through the storm.

The only way we can do this is with the help of God. If you are running from a storm, ask God to give you the courage to face that storm head on and the wisdom to know how to run through it.

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What Ticks You Off?

We all have things that set us off. I like to refer to them as our buttons, and when pushed we respond. Our response tends to be some sort of a defense mechanism. Think about the last time you really got tee’d off. You could feel the blood rushing to your head and that weird feeling in your stomach. Then you either said something sarcastic, funny or hurtful, or maybe you raised your voice. Others may have calmly explained how wrong the other person was or defend our actions and some go silent.

All of those behaviors are unhealthy and lead to increased conflict. As we grow up, we learn how to handle things that hurt us or make us mad. Nearly all of us have learned the wrong way of doing this. Unfortunately we all had bad examples growing up and of course we have a sinful nature.

So where do these button come from? Why do I get so mad at some things and other things don’t seem to bother me? Again we have to look back in order to understand. We all have core fears that have been ingrained in us from past life experience. Things like rejection, failure, being ignored, being misunderstood, being abused, being humiliated or neglected. All of those things shape the fears inside us.

When we experience a situation that brings up a similar emotion or feeling that fear button gets tapped and we are off to the races. By the time we realize it, it is often too late, we have turned around and pushed the other persons button as well and we are in the midst of full blown conflict.

So how do we overcome this all too familiar pattern? Here are a few ideas:
* First you need to find out what your core fear is. I highly recommend the book called the DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley. He has a test in the back of the book to help you discover your core fears.
* Once you have identified what sets you off, start praying for God to help you in that area. Ask for courage to see it coming and to respond in a better way. Also talk to a trusted friend or mentor about it and ask them to pray as well, and ask you how you are progressing in changing.
* Start asking yourself why am I so mad about this? A simple question like that can help to think more rationally and not emotionally.
* Awareness and accountability are important, yet without some action not much will change. Learning new behaviors takes hard work and practice. having the humility to go get help is very important when making big shifts in behavior. Go see a counselor, life coach or pastor to help work through these changes.

So here is the bottom line. If you want to have healthy, thriving relationships in your life you will need to understand your buttons and learn how to respond in a healthy way when they are pushed.

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The Three Main Roles Of A Leader

 

 

 

Whether you are a leader in the business world, non-profit world or church world, if you are a follower of Jesus Christ you have three main roles.  These roles are each important, but you can’t be effective as a leader unless you are doing all three.

The three roles I am talking about are Shepherding, Equipping and Developing.  First lets look at shepherding.  This may not be a term you use much in the business world but it is a great description of a leader that cares for the people he is leading.  You see a shepherd is responsible for the flock of sheep entrusted to him.  He knows each sheep and makes sure they have what they need and pay attention when one gets hurt.  He leads them to where they need to go and develops a trusting relationship with the sheep.

So what does that look like in today’s world.  Here are some things a leader can do to shepherd his team:

  • Care – people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
  • Guide – In this role you will need to guide people in the direction you want them to go. Sometimes a gentle nudge or sometimes a more direct push.  This can get messy as people are messy.  It’s knowing when to nudge and when to push.
  • Pay attention to immediate needs – If one of your team is having a personal crisis be sure to pay attention and listen to see how you can help them through it.  It can also be simply making sure your team members have what they need to get their work done.
  • Need-oriented – When you are in shepherding mode you are making sure that basic needs are being taken care of and that vital resources are made available.
  • Listen – Take time to get to know the people you lead.  Listen, ask questions about their family and show them you are concerned.
  • Listen some more – This is all about establishing trust with your team.  When you take the time to get to know them personally people start to trust you more
  • Be vulnerable – this takes courage as a leader, but your team needs to know you and what is going on in your life as well.  If you are real with them, they will be real with you.

Another important role of a leader is to equip the people on their team.  Here are some thoughts on equipping people:

  • Training – this is about making sure they are learning the skills needed to do the job.
  • Direct – In this role you will need to tell people what to do.  You will need to give them their objectives and maybe even help with the strategies on how to accomplish the objectives.
  • Task focused – to equip someone you need to assign some tasks to them to see how they handle it.  This is a great way to test them to see what their capacity is.
  • Skill-oriented – In this role the leader is focusing on skill sets that are needed to be effective in their area of work.
  • Coaching – this is when you are working on fundamentals and keep bringing them back to those basics that make a difference.  Explaining the why behind what we are doing.
  • Instruction – often the leader is in teaching mode or is making sure that someone on the team is teaching the others how to do something.
  • Demonstration – The leader needs to model what he wants done.
  • Experience – Here you need to allow people some room to grow, stretch and make mistakes.  Then evaluate those experiences with them to make sure they are learning from that experience.
  • Assessment – You need to debrief often with people so that they are clear on the objectives and expectations you have.  This should be done one-on-one and in teams.

The last role is that of development.  This is the hardest of the three roles because it takes the most time.  However, this is the most powerful role a leader has and brings the biggest results in the long run.

  • Training for personal growth – Here your time with them has a different focus, it’s more on their personal growth and having a plan for them in that area.
  • Influence – In this role you are more a presence and the people you lead will set their own objectives and strategies with your oversight.  They will take initiative on their own and you are more their cheerleader.
  • Personal Focus – You should have a plan for each team member based on where they are at in  their development.
  • Character-oriented – Here is where you dig a little deeper and talk about character qualities and work on developing stronger character and healthier relationships
  • Few – You usually can’t do this with everyone on your team.  This should be your high potentials.
  • Empowering – Here is when you can allow them to lead and get out of their way
  • Mentoring – Your role is more of a mentor, sharing your life experience with them and answering the questions they have.

These roles are all vital and you will have to play each role every day based on personal and work situations.  At times you will need to shepherd and care for even your most talented people.  It takes some time and practice to be able to switch gears based on the situation and the person, but the results will be worth it.

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7 Distractions That Keep Us From Growing

Most of us would agree that there are areas of our lives that are not where we want them to be.  It might be a marriage relationship that has deteriorated or maybe a relationship with a son or daughter or parent that is unhealthy.  Maybe we are not where we want to be in our professional lives.  For some it could be emotional health, hurts from our past that are causing problems in our present lives.  Many of us struggle to be where we want to be spiritually as well.  So what holds us back from growing in these important areas of our lives?  Why do so many people simple remain the same and maintain the status quo instead of growing and changing?

Here are some of the distractions that keep us from growing:

  1. Busyness – Being consumed in a rat-race to keep up and get things done does not allow us the margin to think deeply and focus on the important things. We keep adding things to our lives without stopping other things, so the list just gets bigger and longer.
  2. Comforts – Most people look for and desire comfort and when they find it they become trapped by it.  Getting out of our comfort zone becomes more difficult the longer we stay there.
  3. Too Many Options – Today there are so many opportunities to learn and grow and change that we can sometime be confused by the wide range of options and opportunities.  When we have too many options, we often choose nothing.  This can also lead us to simply be busy because we choose to do too much.
  4. Insecurity – If we don’t really know who we are, how can we know what we are suited to do or where we should go.
  5. The Past – Issues not dealt with will hold us back, and this is often expressed through fear.  Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being misunderstood, fear of being inadequate and hundreds of other fears.  These fears pop up every time we experience something that connects us to our past hurts.
  6. Laziness – This is often what keeps us in our comfort zone.
  7. Secret Sin – This dulls our senses and blocks our ability to enjoy healthy emotions and relationships.  It keeps us from the vision that God has for our lives and keeps us stuck in darkness and slaves to sin.

One or more of these may be keeping you from growing and making progress in certain areas of your life.  In order to move forward it takes a decision to face these things head on by first acknowledging the problem and then developing a plan to make a change.

I love to spend time planning this time of year.  It is a great time to evaluate where we are at in all the important areas of our lives.  If there is an area we are not happy with, we can begin to focus on how to make a change in that area.  It might mean getting help from someone that has been through what you are dealing with or taking a risk to try something new or different.  The important thing is to acknowledge that you do not want to remain the same and that you desire to grow.  Then start praying and asking God to help make this happen.  A year from now will you be the same person you are today or will you be in a new place spiritually, emotionally, physically, relationally and financially?

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7 Ways Leaders Should Handle Criticism

If you have been in leadership for any length of time you know that you will always get criticized and that criticism always changes you as a leader, whether in a good way or a bad way.  Unhappy people tend to attack the point person.  We see this throughout the Bible, when Moses was leading his people through the desert they were constantly complaining and criticizing.  His own family criticized him, yet he persevered through it and grew as a leader.  Here are some guidelines we can learn from Moses and other leaders in the Bible on how to handle criticism:

  1. Maintain Your Humility – Humility is one of the most powerful traits of a great leader.  Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking about yourself less.  Humility allows you to look past the criticism and look for the nuggets of truth that can help you grow or make changes that truly help move you forward in your vision.  Humility helps a leader be less defensive.
  2. Face the Criticism Squarely – Great leader’s go directly to the person criticizing and listens to them.  This allows the leader to correct misunderstandings, redirect people that are off-base and cast vision for why we do what we do.  This is hard work, but necessary if you want to lead well.
  3. Be Specific About The Issues – Great leader’s are very clear.  Don’t dance around the topic of criticism, be specific.  Push the person criticizing to be specific and give examples.  Ask them what they think would be a better way or what other options might be available.  Also be willing to apologize if you were not clear in something you communicated.
  4. Understand the Difference Between Constructive and Destructive Criticism – Who benefits? Challenge the person if the criticism is destructive and meant to hurt instead of help.  If you are asking for feedback on a regular basis and seeking criticism it will often turn destructive criticism into constructive.  This takes intentional vision casting and expressing an openness to listen.  If people feel safe to tell you something they don’t like, they are more likely to come to you.  If you bite their head off when they criticize they won’t come to you, but will tell everyone else.
  5. Guard Your Own Attitude Toward the Critic – Don’t get defensive, but stay objective.  Your attitude will go a long way in determining the outcome.  If you go in with both guns blazing, attacking the critic, they will fire right back or shut down and then go tell everyone they know how you handled the situation.  Every encounter with a critic is an opportunity.
  6. Don’t See Only the Critic; See the Crowd – Is this an isolated piece of criticism or is it widespread.  If a lot of people have the same criticism the approach must be different than if only one person is complaining.  This takes work to know your followers and to get the feedback to know if this is a bigger issue.  As a leader it is vital that you are in touch with your followers.  They need to have clear open ways of communicating with you.  You need to be intentional about meeting with people one-on-one in order to hear their heart.
  7. Make Sure You Are Emotionally Healthy – This is huge for leaders.  If you are not healthy emotionally, criticism will eat you up.  All the hurts you have inside will leak out in unhealthy ways.  Your perspective will be off and your focus will be on yourself, not the bigger picture.  Emotional health will determine the level of your leadership.

I lead at a Multi-site church and I must say that criticism has helped me to grow as a leader.  I work hard at being open to push back and criticism.  I pay attention to comments that come in.  It takes courage for someone to make a critical comment and it deserves to be followed up with.  I recently had a new person to our church share something that was critical of something we did.  I sent her an email explaining our motive behind what we did.  I cast vision for who we are trying to reach as a church.  It helped her to better understand the why behind what we are doing.  I had opportunity later to talk with her and her husband on the phone and even pray with them.  I also have around 10 people that I often ask for criticism and feedback on what is not working, what is working, what is missing and what is confused.  These conversations help me to get a better understanding of what the perception of the people really is.  It also helps me to communicate more clearly and cast vision more effectively.

Lead On

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Lessons From The Life Of King Asa

I was reading the story of Asa king of Judah in 2 Chronicles 14-16 today.  Asa started strong but did not finish well.  This story demonstrates that God is perfect and all-powerful and people are imperfect and make mistakes.  As king, Asa came very close to being a great leader.  He traveled a long way with God before he got off track and went his own way.

Early in his leadership he turned to God when he was in an impossible situation with army of the Cushites, which outnumbered his army by 400,000.  God helped him crush the Cush army, that sounds funny.  After that great victory, God brought peace to the nation for many years.  But there was a bigger challenge on its way.  Over the years Asa and Israel’s new king Baasha had conflict and Baasha actually became the aggressor and was building a fort city that threatened Judah.  Instead of turning to God and asking for wisdom on what to do Asa turned to his own wisdom and bribed King Ben-Hadad of Aram to attack Baasha.  It worked and Baasha was defeated and driven back.  However this was not God’s plan and God sent a man named Hanani to rebuke Asa and warn him of his mistake.

Asa flew into a rage and jailed Hanani.  He also took out his anger out on more of his followers.  His greatest failure was missing what God could have done with his life if he had been willing to humble himself.  His pride caused him to not finish well as a leader.  He stubbornly held onto his failure until his death.  We too can do this by not admitting our failures to God and asking for forgiveness.  The ends do not justify the means.  That thinking usually leads to sin and failure.  Here are some lessons from Asa’s life for each of us:

  • God not only reinforces good, he confronts evil
  • Efforts to follow God’s plans and rules yield positive results
  • How well a plan works is no measure of its rightness or approval by God
  • When confronted about sin in our lives humility leads to success, anger leads to destruction
  • When facing a challenge or hardship we should turn to God first and not rely on our own wisdom – seek wise counsel
  • Our attitude when criticized shows our true character
  • No matter how long we have been following God we must always be on guard, because we have an enemy that is always looking to take us out or cause us to rely on our own wisdom instead of God’s way.

No matter where you are in your spiritual journey, obeying God is always the best way.  To obey him you need to know his will for your life and that is to become more like Jesus Christ in how you live, think and behave.  Doing things God’s way can be very hard and may not seem to make sense at times, but it always leads to great freedom.

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The Secret to Great Leadership

 

What do the greatest leaders, husbands, wives, parents, friends, bosses, politicians or pastors have in common?  I believe they get the idea of serving people.  Servant leadership has been around for a very long time, it was the way Jesus led and many of our best leaders throughout history got it as well.  Robert Greenleaf said it well: “The true test of a servant leader is this: Do those around the servant leader become wiser, freer, more autonomous, healthier, and better able themselves to become servant leaders?”  Would the people you lead say that about you?  Would your spouse say that about you?

The main thing that keeps us from serving the people around us is our ego.   Selfishness is the destroyer of relationships and leaders.  One of the keys to becoming a better leader, husband, wife etc is to be humble.  Here are two great definitions for humility: Ken Blanchard – “People with humility don’t think less of themselves; they just think about themselves less.”  Fred Smith – “People with humility don’t deny their power; they just recognize that it passes through them, not from them.”

The other thing that keeps us from serving others is fear.  We fear losing control, being taken advantage of, not being heard, being rejected, failing, looking stupid and on and on.  To battle against these fears we need to practice unconditional love.  Think about the way you love your child.  You don’t only love them when they perform well, you love them no matter what.  That is called unconditional love, and that is what makes a leader great. In a business setting this means telling people the truth, being direct and yet gentle.  It means having the courage to challenge someone and do it it a gentle way.  It means you actually care about the people you lead and know them as a person.  It means you listen well and admit when you are wrong.

I came across this great acronym SERVE from the well known Chick-fil-A organization.  This is the guide they use in all their management and leadership training.  I think it is a great tool to use for our personal mission statements and for any business.  Here it is:

  • S stands for See the Future – Having a clear vision of where you want to go is crucial.  Whether that is for your business, your family, your marriage or your church.  Once a clear vision is established, goals and strategies can be developed to help get you there.
  • E stands for Engage and Develop People – In order to engage and develop the people you have influence with you need to know them.  This means understanding what their goals are and helping them get there.  It also means understanding what speaks to them, what they care about.  To engage someone you need to pay attention to them and listen.  This is where the idea of mentoring comes in, walking along side someone to help them get better.  It can also be coaching someone on how to improve in certain areas.
  • R stands for Reinvent Continuously – This means on a personal level are you learning, growing and getting better?  The greatest leaders I know are constantly reading, listening to someone speak, spending time with mentors and coaches to sharpen their wisdom and skills.  Everyone should have a personal development goal every year. This also applies to your organization or relationships.  Helping the people you lead grow and reinvent themselves helps your organization grow, the same can be said for a marriage.  It is also important to remain flexible through this process and understand that if something is not working, stop doing it and try something else.
  • V stands for Value Results and Relationships – Both are critical for long term success.  You can have it both ways if you are a servant leader.  When you have high expectations for results and relationships your influence goes up, because the people around you know that you care about them and yet expect the best from them.
  • E stands for Embody the Values – This is all about building trust.  Do your actions line up with the talk?  Do you live consistently with the values you profess?  Where there is trust there is strength and health.

Serving the people you influence is hard work, but the rewards are well worth it.  Be strong and courageous and lead by serving well.

 

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Dealing With Your Past

 

As I have interacted with people and worked at understanding them it has become more clear to me that the past is an important part of the actions of today and how people are preparing for the future.  I have heard many people say that you need to forget the past and move on.  That is a dangerous way to approach life.  Whether you like it or not, your past affects your decisions and actions today, and these, in turn, affect the future.  If you do not learn from your past mistakes and hurts, you will most likely repeat them.  There are also lies that you have believed and that have shaped you and what you believe.  Those lies steal your joy and cause you to be afraid.

The junk from your past causes you to react to conflict or difficulties in a certain way.  Everyone has buttons, that when pushed will take them back to those historical moments that feel similar.  When stirred up those lies and fears cause you to react or respond in unhealthy ways.  This behavior is often learned from your parents and other influential people in your life.  Many of the unhealthy responses like withdrawing, defending, attacking, and deflection were ways you could protect yourself when you were little.  Now that you have grown up you are still responding in those ways and it leads to death not life.

So what can you do about the junk from the past, the fears that lurk inside you and pop out when touched?  Major changes begin on the inside where these fears, hurts and hangups live.  Change starts as God works on your attitudes, beliefs, and desires.  When your attitudes, beliefs and desires start to change and line up with what is true, your outward behavior changes and the transformation takes shape.  Philippians 2:13 says “for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.”  This is telling you that God helps you to want to obey him and then gives you the power to do what he wants.  The secret to a changed life is to submit to God and allow him to do the inside work needed to transform the person you are.

So to unload the junk from your past means taking the first step of being reconciled to God.  If you have not taken that step, God will not start the transformation process.  God is at work on every person alive, drawing you to himself, but he never forces the issue, he just keeps it in front of you.  Once you take the step of believing that Jesus Christ was God and man, that he lived a perfect life, that he took all your sin on himself and died for you, that he overcame death and sin by coming back to life in three days and that he is alive today, then you can ask for forgiveness of your sins and be reconciled with God.  Doing that brings the gift of living forever with God in heaven.  It also begins the process of spiritual maturity.

If you have done that and are continuing to live with fears that are controlling your behavior, then start asking God to change you on the inside.  He will continue the process of change on the inside if you ask him. The way in which to do that is to take in God’s word on a regular basis and communicate with God on a regular basis.  Remove the distractions around you and listen to God, then ask for courage to follow through on what he is telling you to do.  One of the best exercises to help get that started is the Steps to Freedom in Christ by Neil Anderson.  Going through those steps is like cleaning up your house.  It brings your focus on God and shines a light on your past and your inside attitudes, beliefs and desires.  Remember that you don’t clean up your house just one time, it is an ongoing discipline.  The good news is that God is doing most of the cleaning when you let him inside and ask for help.

Once you have dealt with the past in the right way you can move on and never have to bring it up again.  These are the words that Moses used to encourage Joshua “Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  That is your message today.

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Summer Reading List 2012

 

Leader’s are readers, I don’t remember who I first heard that from, probably John Maxwell.  Over the years I have made it a point to read as much as I can.  I try to read a variety of books and even include some fiction from time to time.  I like to read because I like to grow, learn, and stretch my thinking and perspectives.  One of the ways I like to read books is by meeting with a group of other people and read it together.  I do that with my staff and different groups of men.  I love the interaction and discussions and it also helps me to actually read more books and finish them.

I have an active list of books I am reading, have read and want to read, to check them out click here.

Several of these books are on my Kindle the rest I have in old fashion books.  If you haven’t read  a book in a while plan to start this summer

I hope you will put a list together of the books you want to read in the coming months.  If you want to be a better leader at home, at work or in your community then start reading.

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Life Lessons from Running

 

I enjoy getting outside and running, it keeps me in good shape physically and it is my favorite thinking time.  As I was on my long run this week, a 10 miler, I thought about several life lessons related to my running.  Here are my thoughts:

    • When your running a long hill, keep your focus on the road right in front of you and only take quick glances up the hill.  If I focus on how much further I need to go I get discouraged.  In life when you are facing a tough uphill period focus on the things in front of you and take it one day at a time.  Occasionally glance up and take a look at the big picture to keep a proper perspective.

 

    • Get periodic updates on how you are doing.  I use an app on my iPhone called MapMyRun.  Every 5 minutes it tells me the time, how far I have gone and what my pace per mile is.  In life you need periodic updates on how you are doing.  Maybe it’s going to the doctor for a checkup, maybe it’s going to a counselor or a pastor for wise counsel.  Or is could be meeting with someone to gauge how things are going financially.  It may be checking in with your spouse on how they think your doing or asking some trusted friends that will be honest with you.

 

    • The faster you run the more you need to focus.  When I start to run faster I tend to use bad form and this can cause injury and take more energy.  When I pick up the pace I need to focus on using good form and make sure I pay attention to my body.  In life when you are running at a fast pace, focus becomes so important.  Without disciplined focus you will tend to spin your wheels and not get things done.  You start spinning plates instead of clearing the plates and putting them away.

 

    • When you are tired and want to stop, start talking to God.  When I am getting tired or want to slow down or stop I start repeating words like Strong, Powerful, Courageous, Smooth.  I also will pray and ask God for strength, endurance and to help me finish the run.  In life the way in which you think will determine how you finish the race.  Talking to God and asking for his help is vital to overall health and perspective.  God is powerful and can transform anyone, but you must plug into him in order to get that power.

 

    • If you feel an unusual pain it’s best to slow down or stop.  When I start to feel a pain in my foot or leg, I will slow down.  In the past I have kept pushing and gotten injured.  In life when you experience a new kind of pain, it is best to slow down and pay attention.  Sometimes it can be a physical pain that warns you there is something not right.  It might be an emotional pain that causes you to respond in an unhealthy way. The pain is telling you to pay attention, that something is not as it should be, and to make some changes or get some help.

 

    • On a long run don’t start too fast.  I have a tendency to start my long runs at a much faster pace than I should.  What happens is I end up going much slower at the end of my run and my overall pace suffers.  In life when you run too fast early, you can run out of gas and not even finish the race.  Understanding the right pace of life is an important ability.  It is good to push yourself, but you also need to know your limits.  There are times in life that you need to sprint and there are times you need to jog.  There are also times to rest and recover.

 

    • When you are on the downhill or flat stretch enjoy the view around you.  I live in the country and love to look at the countryside while I am running.  I only do that when I am running a long flat stretch or on a downhill.  That is the time to keep my head up and see the big picture.  In life there are times when you can really enjoy the things around you and can see the big picture of where you are heading in life.  These are important times because it helps you to know if your on the right path or not.  This is the time to make adjustments if needed, not when your pushing up a tough hill.

In life, like on a run there are many things going on inside your head and your body.  There is also a lot going on around you.  The key is to pay attention, know your limitations and keep pushing yourself while keeping God at the center.  The more you push yourself in a healthy way, the better you will get.  Now get out there and do something.