Category: Character

Posted on

A Word to Husbands

Relationships are hard and messy and most men are not good at developing healthy relationships.  Once we get married it is easy to sit back and focus on our work and providing financially or focusing on our own needs.  Most guys, myself included are selfish and we are not always thinking about how to love our wives or lead our household.

Peter talks about this in one of his letters that is part of the Bible.  Peter talks a lot about submission, respect, blessing and honor.  This is not only in marriage relationships but in all relationships.  He writes this after having spent a significant amount of time with Jesus.  After observing how Jesus treated other people he was able to write about how we should treat our bosses, our political leaders and our spouses.

I want to zero in on his comments to husbands.  in 1 Peter 3:7 he is talking to husbands, I like the Message version of the Bible which says “Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God’s grace, you’re equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don’t run aground.”

He is calling husbands to live with their wives in an understanding way. We are to honor our wives and model submission and service. We are to initiate blessing, rather than retaliate when things go wrong.  Men are called to be spiritual leaders and that means we take responsibility for the health of our relationships.  This means we set the tone and we initiate what we want others to do.  Don’t wait for her to start treating you with respect before you make an effort to love and respect her.

The way we treat our wives will affect our spiritual health. It starts with us and how we respond to our wives.  The words we use, the things that we do, the time that we take, and the way that we listen.

Peter sums this up by saying this “Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless-that’s your job, to bless. you’ll be a blessing and also get a blessing.”

Now I realize that we won’t always get it right and we will mess up.  We will do selfish things and say stupid things, but in order to love our wives we must keep pushing forward, trying to understand our wives and treat them as a precious gift.  Being humble means asking for and giving forgiveness on a regular basis.  The key is to not give up, keep trying to learn how to love your wife better, learn from your mistakes and above all else keep growing closer to God.  Only God can help you to love your wife the way you should.

Posted on

It’s About Time To Go!

holmes_county_trail

 

Last Sunday my wife and I went on a bike ride on the local Rails to Trails in Millersburg.  It’s a great place to ride, walk or run because its mostly flat.  We were with several friends enjoying the beautiful day.  The local Amish also use this trail with their buggies because it’s nice to avoid the traffic on the main roads.

On our way back we came up behind a buggy that was going very slow.  I was in front of the group and had to slow down, because some other people were coming the other way on bikes.  We all slowed down as we got behind this buggy and then a young Amish man turned to me and asked what time it was.  I didn’t have a watch on, so I couldn’t help him out, but this is what I said in Pennsylvania Dutch, “I’s bout site for gaya” which means it’s about time to go.  With that I quickly passed him and headed on up the path.  (I know just enough dutch to be a little dangerous.)

That was a brief encounter, but I haven’t been able to get that phrase out of my head.  I don’t know why that came to my mind in that moment, but here is what I’ve been thinking about.

It’s about time to go.  Most of us go through life living safely, trying to be as comfortable and happy as we can be.  Our motivation is often for what is best for us or our kids.  We can live selfish, private lives and never really have much impact or influence in the world around us.  It’s so easy to get into our comfortable buggy and ride along the familiar trail and occasionally ask someone what time is it?  Yet That’s not how God intended it.  God never promised that life would be safe and comfortable.  He did promise that he is good and faithful to be with us no matter where we are at.  That should give us courage to go wherever he directs us.

God is telling us that it’s time to go.  It’s time to step out of our comfort zone and push ourselves beyond our perceived limits.  Now I realize that means something different to everyone reading this.  For some it might mean having a difficult conversation with their spouse, teenager or adult child.  Maybe it’s confronting someone at work and speaking the truth in love to them.  It might be to give up some things you enjoy doing so that you can serve at church or spend more time with your family.  It might mean not taking that job because it would hurt your relationship with your family.  It could be to downsize in order to get a grip on your finances.  It might mean taking your relationship with God more seriously and start reading through the Bible.  It could be asking someone for forgiveness and admitting how you got it wrong.  Whatever it means to Go for you, don’t hesitate, start today, find a new trail or speed up on the one your on.  God loves us but he also doesn’t want us to stay where we are at, he wants us to grow in every area of our lives: Spiritually, emotionally, relationally and even physically.  Where do you need to go?

Whatever it is for you “I’s bout site for gaya.”

Posted on

The One Skill That Will Transform Your Leadership

distracted-businessman-meeting-w291x412

 

When it comes to leadership development there are so many resources out there that it can be hard to know what to focus on.  I love reading about leadership and how to develop solid healthy relationships.  Developing as a leader is vital for you to survive in your work environment, your home environment and in your own personal internal world.

There is no magic pill to take to become a great leader.  It takes hard work, patience, failure and learning from experience to become a great leader.  The same can be said of a great marriage or relationship.

The one skill that I have kept coming back to, that makes the most difference is listening.  If I had to name one skill that could make the biggest difference in any organization, family, marriage or individual it would be listening.

When the people around you truly believe you are listening to them they feel that you care and value them.  That creates a place where people feel safe, trusted and valuable.  When people don’t believe you are listening to them, it creates many negative emotions like fear, anger, frustration, helplessness and indifference.

Entire books have be written about listening, but I want to give you a few simple things you can do at work and home to improve your listening quickly.

  1. Stop trying to multitask – When you are in a meeting or someone is talking to you, stop what you are doing, turn your body to face them, look them in the eye and focus on what they are saying.  When you have your computer open or are watching TV or are looking at your phone or glancing past their shoulder, you are sending a message that this is not important to you and that you aren’t interested.  That immediately generates negative emotions in the other person.
  2. Ask Questions – When you ask questions to clarify or find out more, it communicates that you really are interested and want to understand.  This helps to avoid misunderstandings and keeps you from trying to redirect, avoid or be defensive.  When you are seeking to first understand before being understood you will automatically start thinking of questions to ask before you start giving your answer or your defense.
  3. Follow-up – When you follow up with someone or follow through on something it sends the message that you listened.  Even if you cannot do what they asked, it is vital to get back with them and explain why.  Simply sending a follow-up email, writing a note or sending a text are great ways to let that person know you heard them and value them.  When someone tells you something or asks you for something and you never get back with them it sends the message that you don’t care and they are not important.
  4. Respond quickly – When someone sends you a message, whether its a text, email, phone message or direct message, respond as soon as possible.  Even if you can’t give them a full answer, at least acknowledge that you got it and will be getting back to them.  People communicate through messaging and so as a leader it is important to respond as quickly as you can.  It sends a message that you value them.  Find a good system that works for you to respond to all the messages you get everyday – No excuses just do it.

If your focus is on listening to the people around you, you will also start noticing things.  You will pick up on when someone is struggling or hurting.  You can even get some great new ideas.  Listening will also help you be more patient, less emotional and more respected.

If you think about the people you like to be around, it’s people that listen well, they ask you questions and seem to be genuinely interested in you.  Listening is something that’s ultimately done by an individual.  Yet an organization or family can also have a culture that endorses and supports listening in all directions and ways.

One of the best ways you can develop yourself is to become a better listener.  The cool thing is that you can start today, right now, with the next conversation you have.

Posted on

How to Resolve Relational Crisis

I spend a good bit of time with people that are in the midst of personal catastrophes.  Most are relational struggles, whether in a marriage, a family or at work.  The health of our relationships are an indicator of the health of ourselves.

Whenever I am meeting with someone that is going through a relational struggle, I always try to bring it back to the person I am talking with.  There is not much in life that we can control, but when it comes to ourselves, we do have a choice in what we do, think, say and believe.

For someone that has a broken relationship, it always starts with yourself.  It is easy to look at those around you and blame their behavior, attitude or hurtful actions for why things are so bad.  Yet that will never resolve the issue or change the circumstances.  It always starts in your own heart.  It starts with your own character.  Your character is who you really are.  It will reflect how much you accomplish in life and how well you love yourself and others.

Your character is the internal script that you follow in response to conflict, mistreatment, pain and even success.  When that script is focused on yourself and preserving or getting what you want, the actions that follow will usually dig the hole even deeper or add fuel to the fire.  Part of our character is the defense mechanism’s we have developed over the years in dealing with conflict and pain.  It might be sarcasm, humor, withdrawing/silent treatment, yelling/escalating or even going into fix it mode.

Changing that internal script is hard work, yet it is the only way to work through a relational crisis.  It starts by taking personal responsibility for what you contributed and how you have reacted.  Then it involves the hard work of self-actualization, seeing yourself, your reactions, your character and your beliefs and where you are off course.  This is hard work and will take the help of God and other people.  It means being humble enough to ask for help and to admit your mistakes.  When you get on your knees and ask God to change your heart and character, that is when the rough edges start to get smoothed out.  It will take time, perseverance, patience and practice, but you can change.

Working on yourself is one of the most productive things you can do in order to be successful in life.  Take the time and energy to get healthy emotionally, to work through the hurts and hang-ups from your past.  Take time to grow in your faith and connect more with God and involve him in every area of your life.  Take time to build trust with yourself and others and work on relational skills like listening, asking questions, asking for and extending forgiveness.

The best thing you can do for any relationship in your life is to be healthy emotionally, spiritually, relationally and physically.  In a relational crisis the way in which you respond will either add fuel to the fire or add water to the fire.  How you respond is a reflection of your character.  The choice is always yours.

Posted on

4 Ways To Growing Your Faith

This week I met with my older brother Brian for lunch.  We don’t get to spend much time together anymore so it was nice to meet with him and talk about what is going on in his life.  He is facing some big life-changing things like starting his own business, being an empty nester and getting involved in ministry at his church.

As we talked, I could see and hear how much God has been working in his life.  He has grown more in the last two months than he had for the last several years.  God really has gotten a hold of him and he is following God with all his heart.  As I heard him talk about how close he felt to God I got to thinking about how many people aren’t experiencing that kind of relationship with God.  Brian includes God in every decision and won’t make a move without hearing from God.  He works hard at what he knows he should be doing and waits on God for things he is unsure of.

So here are a few keys I learned from Brian to growing our faith:

  • Listen – Most people are busy and we run from one thing to the other.  We can fill our lives with all kinds of activities that distract us from listening to God.  Brian’s new journey started while on vacation away from the distractions of life.  Say no to some things so you can slow down and listen more and run less.  Maybe its time for a short retreat to listen to God.
  • Read – Even if your not much of a reader, this is a key to growing spiritually.  Most people don’t use much of the brain God gave them.  I know I don’t.  Reading the Bible and books about God, christian living, relationships and even leadership will stretch your mind and help you to grow.  Brian told me he has read more in the last two months than he had in the last 10 years.  He said his mind has been opened up and he is able to learn and grow like never before.  Make a goal of reading a book of the Bible and another book on faith within the next two months.  Reading feeds your mind and is one way to hear from God.
  • Pray – That may sound simple, yet many of us don’t take the time to pray.  When we do its a quick thought or running through a list of items we need help with.  What I am talking about is having a real conversation with God.  Pouring out your heart and opening yourself up to what God wants to do in you.  Start to pray out loud even when you are alone.  Brian has gone on prayer walks and spends time throughout the day in conversation with God.  Make it a practice to praise and thank God every day, confess anything that needs confessed, pray for people that God brings to your mind.  Also pray for God to fill you with the Holy Spirit and for wisdom, courage and strength to do His will.  You might even consider fasting and praying.  Maybe you should get on your knees or even bow down on your face and pray & listen.
  • Do – It is great to read, study, learn and pray, yet if you don’t do something you will not change.  Brian got involved in his church.  He volunteered for the prayer ministry and quickly began leading that ministry.  This helped him put into practice what God started in private.  He started praying for people and God started using him to impact peoples lives.  He did some things that made him uncomfortable and stretched him, and God used it to change him and the people around him.  When you listen, read and pray God directs you in what to do.  God will give you opportunities to influence other people, serve other people, encourage other people and even heal other people.

Lead On

Posted on

Seven Communication Ideas

Communication is one of the most important skills a leader has. The ability to clearly communicate with the people around you is vital to the success of any business, marriage or relationship.

When it comes to any kind of leadership, it’s all about how you handle the relationships around you. Whether you are at home, work, school or out with friends, communication sets the tone. People want to be heard, understood and appreciated. If you can do that we’ll, you will be a great leader, spouse or friend.

Here are a few ideas on how to improve as a communicator. Do these these things consistently and your relationships will improve.

– understand your listeners frame of reference – this is important because everyone has a different filter. They have different experiences, personalities, hurts and hang-ups. So you need to think about how they might view what you are saying, not from your perspective but theirs.

– know the facts and the truth about the topic – focusing on the facts and truth can help take the emotion out of it. It also will help your listener understand the why behind your message.

– shed light on the issue – you need to clearly explain why this issue is important to your listener.

– get their full attention – you must know the best time to have the talk. Only address important issues when you have someone’s full attention. You might need to make a statement or ask a question that will get their attention. Never use negative tactics like sarcasm or yelling or swearing.

– use word pictures or stories – people remember pictures and stories much better than words. Try to use a story to bring clarity to what you are communicating and why you are feeling a certain way.

– focus on the real issues – it takes work to figure out the real issues that are driving someone’s behavior. Asking questions to try to understand the real issue is important, but you must listen without reacting or challenging them as they answer. Patiently ask clarify questions and even repeat back what they said.

– finally, be interactive – what I mean by that is don’t lecture someone, make it more of a conversation. When you listen before you speak, you send the message to the other person that you care about them. If things begin to escalate stop, take a deep breath and ask a clarifying question. If you cant do that, then you need a break until you or the other person are in a better place to talk.

Communication is something we do every day. If we don’t work at it and improve the way we communicate all of our relationships will suffer. If this is an area of struggle find someone to coach you, it will be well worth the effort.

Posted on

Are You Happily Married?

Marriage is a very challenging yet rewarding relationship. I’ve been married now for 24 years and I’m still learning, making mistakes and trying to grow and get better at being a husband. I think a lot of people enter marriage thinking that this relationship will make me happy. That is a dangerous mindset entering marriage. Oh there will be times of great happiness, but there will also be times of sorrow, anger, disappointment and conflict.

All healthy relationships are messy and hard at times. Gary Thomas said this in his book Sacred Marriage, “God intended marriage not to make you happy, but to make you holy”. That is so true if you are a Christian. God uses the relationships in our lives to shape and mold our character. Each of us has a choice in the matter. Do we view marriage as a place to get my needs met, or where I become more like Christ?

Marriage is not primarily about feeling happy everyday. It’s not about getting what you deserve or getting the sex you want. Marriage is a lifelong training ground to knock off the rough edges and reform your selfish nature in order to make you holy. The cool thing is when you become more holy you become more happy.

Marriage is about commitment, giving, serving, forgiving, sacrificing and humbling yourself. That doesn’t sound like a lot of fun, but marriage is also about intimacy. The healthiest marriages have 3 kinds of intimacy: Spiritual, emotional and physical. When all 3 of those areas are healthy and growing there is usually a good bit of happiness as well. However to be healthy and growing in those areas, you must be committed, giving, serving, forgiving and sacrificing.

Knowing how to love your spouse is also a learning experience. Knowing, understanding and applying the 5 love languages that Gary Chapman lays out in his book The Five Love Languages is vital to a long healthy marriage. If you don’t know them, then get the book and read it.

If you want a better marriage it will take some work like reading a book or ten, going to see a counselor and actually being open and honest. It might mean learning new ideas and changing old mind sets about marriage. It might mean learning what your fear buttons are and how that triggers your unhealthy responses. It might means asking for forgiveness or extending forgiveness.

The point is you must work on yourself in order to improve any relationship. The more you focus on yourself and your own issues the better your relationship will get. When you also include God in the process you can transform any marriage or any relationship no matter how damaged it may be.

Love always trusts, always hopes, always remains strong.

Posted on

Thoughts on Prayer

I have been reading a couple of books on the subject of prayer. Both are very good, one is an older book originally written in 1937 by Oswald Chambers called “If You Will Ask”. I am reading the 1989 edition. I am also reading a new devotional book by Mark Batterson called “Draw the Circle”. Both have inspired me and challenged me. I find myself praying differently, more often and more boldly. There are so many take-aways I could share, but I want to focus on one part of Chambers book entitled The Submission of Life.

He starts the chapter with this: “We are not built for ourselves, but for God. Not for service for God, but for God. That explains the submission of life.” Submission is one of the most difficult things to do and yet one of the most powerful things we can do. It seems odd that submission is powerful, but with true submission comes peace, unity and rightness with God. Chambers goes on to say this: “God is not concerned about our aims. He does not say, “Do you want to go through this bereavement, this upset?” He allows these things for his purpose. We may say what we like, but God does allow the devil, He does allow sin, He does allow bad men to triumph and tyrants to rule, and these things either make us fiends or they make us saints. It depends entirely on our relationship with God. If we say, “Your will be done,” we get the tremendous consolation of knowing that our Father is working everything according to His own wisdom. If we understand what God is after, we shall be saved from being mean and cynical.”

God isn’t checking in with us to see if his plan is ok. God sees all things and knows all things, therefore he knows what is best and how to work all things for good. When we fully submit to his will we can stop worrying about everything in the world around us and focus on how we are responding to the things in our lives. We can look to what God wants to do in us. Listen to what else Chambers says:

“The things we are going through are either making us sweeter, better, nobler men and women, or they are making us more captious, more insistent on our own way. We are either getting more like our Father in heaven, or we are getting more mean and intensely selfish. How are we behaving ourselves in our circumstances? Do we understand the purpose of our life as never before? God does not exist to answer our prayers, but by our prayers we come to discern the mind of God, and that is declared in John 17:22 “That they may be one just as We are one.” Am I as close to Jesus as that? God will not leave me alone until I am.”

When I read that I said Wow outloud. Prayer is really about getting to know God, becoming more intimate with him and understanding his heart. The more we pray the more we change. God wants to be one with us, but that can only happen if we submit to His will and His ways. The more time spent in prayer the more clear our purpose in life becomes. What would happen if we would start praying for God’s will to be done in our lives, for us to become one with Him and see as He sees and think as He thinks. What would happen if we would do what He says and be obedient to His will. God’s will is that we become one with Him as Jesus was one with Him. To become more like Him in all our ways.

Posted on

How People Change

I have been studying a workbook called “How People Change” by Timothy Lane and Paul David Tripp with a group of people. This is the material we use to prepare mentors for ministry at NewPointe Community Church. The material is great but the conversations we have is even better. We finished up last night and everyone in the group agreed they had grown a lot and experienced a sense of community with the other people.

Here are some quotes that really stood out in this last session:

“God does more than deliver us from the Heat (hardships of life), he delivers us from ourselves so that we can stand up under the heat and not merely survive but bear good fruit. Under the pressure of family difficulty, love can grow. Under the heat of unappreciated sacrifice, perseverance grow. In the middle of suffering, peace and sturdy faith can blossom. In the midst of want, giving can grow where thorns of greed and selfishness once lived. Under the heat of life in a fallen world, new and surprising fruit can and does grow.”

That is some amazing insight. That God does some of the most incredible work in our lives in the midst of the most difficult times. We all face challenges, hardship, struggle and even celebration moments. That is part of life in this world. Keeping God in the center of our lives during these times allows him to work deep within us. Only when our hearts are changed will our behavior and responses change. So if you are in the middle of a great struggle, look inside your own heart and ask God to do a work there.

Here is another great quote: “We all know that sin causes us to be more committed to ourselves than anything else. It causes us to love ourselves more than anything else. Sin makes us self-centered and self-indulgent as we give in to desires of the sinful nature and feed its cravings. Such selfish living destroys relationships and harms people. Our chief problem in relationships is not the fallen world we live in, but the fact that we ourselves are deeply self-centered and have trouble loving one another.”

Wow, that is very convicting. This speaks to the importance of understanding our human nature and how much we need God to transform our hearts. Only when we surrender to God and allow the Holy Spirit to flow inside our hearts can we change all of that. Our relationship suffer when we allow self-centered behavior or thinking to rule.

It is important to remember that Jesus asked us to follow him. He didn’t say follow these rules or go and do these certain things. He said simply follow me no matter where you are at. If you stumble and fall, Jesus waits for us to get up and continue following him. God has provided the Holy Spirit to help us follow him and help us get back up when we fall. If you want to change, it starts in your heart.

Posted on

The Game Changing Relational Skill

Empathy is critical to emotional health. This is the ability to discern emotions in others and then experience, within ourselves, the same emotion. This is much different than sympathy, which is the mental awareness of what another person is going through.

Developing the ability to empathize is important if you want to improve your relationships and get healthy emotionally. Why is it important to be healthy emotionally. Well, I believe that our emotions play a big part in our physical and spiritual health as well. Emotions live inside us and if painful emotions are living inside you they eventually come out in behavior, thoughts and attitude. Unresolved emotions can lead to physical illness and mental damage as well. It also affects your relationship with God.

Emotions should not control us, we should understand and control our emotions. We should not try to shut off our emotions or hide them, that is why empathy is so important. It helps us to connect with and understand other people much better.

To develop empathy we must learn to listen and observe words, sounds and body language. Jesus was amazingly empathetic. He was moved with compassion as he discerned the needs and pain of others. Read Mathew 9:36 and 20:34.

When we can empathize with someone three things will happen:

1. The other person will feel that someone cares for them and is willing to enter into their emotional world.
2. They feel like someone understands them.
3. They feel that it’s ok to be emotional and express emotions, in other words, my emotions are legitimate.

All emotions can be grouped into two categories: Potentially painful and potentially positive. The Bible teaches us how to attune or empathize to these two groups of emotions. In Romans 12:15 it says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.”

When someone is sad, we often think it is important to try to cheer them up. That is our natural response, but what is actually most helpful is to be sad with that person. Seems odd, but that is what empathy is. The people around us will feel blessed when we allow and encourage them to express their positive or painful emotions and we either rejoice or mourn with them.

This life skill of empathy is a game-changer for relating to other people. This skill allows you to connect with people in a way that helps them feel safe and valued. They will actually feel better after talking with you than before. It also helps you to better understand why people do what they do.

As a mentor and a pastor this skill has helped me to help other people. When people cannot process their emotions with someone they end up in a downward spiral that leads to destruction of relationships, and their physical well being. It often causes them to feel distant from God as well. To stay healthy emotionally a person must be able to process and express their emotions to God and other people.

As a leader, spouse, parent, boss, employee, sibling or friend, the ability to empathize will improve your relationships and deepen them as well. Learning this skill takes time, effort and patience. Paying attention to the details, asking the right questions and sometimes just being silent and feeling the emotion the other person is feeling. This can be hard work and frustrating at times, but in the long run empathy leads to better emotional health for you and those around you.