Category: Character

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Let’s Talk about SEX

This past Sunday the Sermon topic at NewPointe Community Church was about Sex. We are in a series called “Worlds Apart”. You can listen to past messages on line or download them from iTunes. Basically we are looking at some of the hot topics like, sex, money and suffering from God’s perspective as compared to the worlds perspective.

I recently finished reading two books on the topic of sex. I highly recommend both of these books. The first is called “Every Man’s Battle” by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. They also have a version out for women, young men and young women. Every man should read this book. My men’s group has been reading this and we are trying to grow in this area of our lives. This book is about sexual temptation and how to have victory over those temptations. In today’s world, sex is everywhere you look. Sex sells and people know it. It is used in advertising, in entertainment on TV and in the movies. It is everywhere you turn.

For men, sex has a very powerful pull. Most men are very visual and therefore our eyes can get us in a lot of trouble. The book gives a simple 10 question test to see how you are doing with sexual temptation:

  1. Do you lock on when an attractive woman comes near you?
  2. Do you masturbate to images of other women?
  3. Have you found your wife to be less sexually satisfying?
  4. Are you holding a grudge against your wife-a grudge that gives you a sense of entitlement?
  5. Do you seek out sexually arousing articles or photo spreads in newspapers and magazines?
  6. Do you have a private place or secret compartment that you keep hidden from your wife?
  7. Do you look forward to going away on a business trip?
  8. Do you have behaviors that you can’t share with your wife?
  9. Do you frequent porn-related sites on the Internet?
  10. Do you watch R-rated movies, sexy videos, or the steamy Cable channels for gratification?

“If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re lurking at the door of sexual addiction. You’re inside that door if you can answer yes to the following questions”:

  1. Do you watch pay-per-view sexually explicit TV channels at home or on the road?
  2. Do you purchase pornography on the Internet?
  3. Do you rent adult movies?
  4. Do you watch nude dancing?
  5. Do you call 900-numbers to have phone sex?
  6. Do you practice voyeurism?

I know these are pretty heavy questions, but this is a huge problem. Not only in the world, but in the church. Many Christians are addicted to sex. That bondage is slowly destroying men, marriages and families. I am serious that every man should read this book and get real about the temptations we are facing. You have to make a decision about whether you want to be pure or not. If you want to know God’s standards on sex, here are some Scriptures to go read:

Matthew 5:28, Mark 7:21-23, Acts 15:23, Romans 13:12-13, 1 Corinthians 5:11, 1 Corinthians 6:18, 2 Corinthians 12:21, Galatians 5:16,19, Ephesians 5:3-4, Colossians 3:5-6, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5,7, Hebrews 12:16, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Peter 4:3, Jude 7, Revelation 2:14, Revelation 2:20 and Revelation 21:8.

Here are some takeaways from the authors on these Scriptures and God’s Standards for Christians:

  • Sexual immorality begins with the lustful attitudes of our sinful natures. It is rooted in the darkness within us. Therefore sexual immorality, like other sins that enslave believers, will incur God’s wrath.
  • Our bodies were not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, who has both created us and called us to live in sexual purity. His will is that every Christian be sexually pure-in thoughts and his words as well as his actions.
  • Therefore it is holy and honorable to completely avoid sexual immorality-to repent of it, to flee from it, and to put it to death in our lives, as we live by the Spirit. We’ve spent enough time living like pagans in a passionate lust.
  • We should not be in close association with other Christians who persist in sexual immorality.
  • If you entice others to sexual immorality, Jesus Himself has something against you.

OK, so that is a pretty high standard. On our own we cannot do it, but if we plug into God’s power he can help break the chains that keep us in bondage. The first step is to really want to be free from this and make that decision to obey God’s commands.

Guys, this battle is real and it is hard. Don’t take it lightly, because it can sneak up on you. It starts with some very innocent things and slowly begins to creep into our lives. Many men were exposed to pornography at young ages or influenced in a negative way toward sex growing up. It has become so common place that we are immune to many of the warning signs. Before we know it we are in over our heads. If you are struggling with this, go get some help. Find an accountability partner, Get some counseling from your pastor or Christian Counselor, get rid of the computer, burn the magazines. Whatever it takes to start back on the road to purity. Purity paves the way to intimacy, and that is what we want in our marriages.

Ladies, your man is in a battle every day. He is facing an enemy that uses sex as a way to take out as many men as he can. This is something you should talk about together as a couple. How can you help him to resist those temptations and have victory. Sex is a wonderful thing, when it is done in a marriage relationship. God created sex for our enjoyment! Having a healthy sex life in the marriage relationship will go a long way in helping a man win the battle of sexual temptation.

The other book I just finished is “Sheet Music – Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” by Dr. Kevin Leman. More on that in a later Blog.

I think it is great that churches are choosing to speak up on this topic of sex. Many churches are addressing this and exposing the truth about sex. I am thankful that NewPointe is one of them.

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Road Trip

One of the things I do to try to keep learning and growing is to visit other people that are doing what I am doing. I try to find people that are further ahead of me as far as experience and education. Even when I was in the business world I tried to work this principle. I would set up a meeting with someone and then ask them a bunch of questions and find out about their systems and how they work. I would look for people that are successful, have shown results and are growing as leaders.

On Thursday I had one of those meetings. I drove almost two hours to meet with a pastor from another church. I had been referred to him by my Executive Coach. On the two hour trip I used that time to listen to a couple of CD lessons on leadership and Pastoral Care. I also cranked out some good tunes. The road time helped me to relax and learn. I listened to an amazing tape by John Maxwell call “In celebration of the imperfect leader”. Good stuff, that I am going to share with some other people.

My meeting went very well. I immediately connected with him and we began sharing with each other. He asked me some good questions to find out a little bit about me. Then he shared some of his background and experience and what they have been doing to help and equip people to thrive in their relationships. The meeting really encouraged me, because we are doing many very similar types of ministries to care for and equip people. It is exciting to me to find a like minded person and to be able to talk about things that are on my mind every day. Our leadership styles seemed to also be similar. I can see why he has been successful in helping and equipping people to grow in their walk with God and other people.

I walked away from this meeting with some great resources and some really good ideas on how to improve how we are doing things at NewPointe. This simple road trip has given me new energy and vision for the areas that I lead. I hope this new relationship will continue for many years to come.

So here are my take aways on doing road trips:

1. I need to find more mentors to keep my vision growing and my passion hot.
2. I need to get the appointments on my calendar.
3. I need to use the time wisely, by asking lots of questions and keeping my mouth shut.
4. I need to make sure I get out of the office on a road trip once per quarter.
5. I need to stay connected with my mentors and coaches on a regular basis.
6. I need to take some people with me.

I hope you will consider finding a mentor or a coach to help you take your next step as a leader, manager, husband, wife, friend or child of God.

Lead On!

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Planning

I have been spending a good bit of time planning lately. I try to spend time every week planning out what I want to accomplish that week. I lay out the main areas I oversee and then spend time thinking about each of those areas. It helps me to decide where I need to focus and who I need to meet with. It is kind of like sharpening the axe before cutting down the tree.

I also have been working on the strategic plan for my department for 2009. This involves developing a budget, laying out some goals and formulating the systems that will help me accomplish those goals. I love to think ahead and make plans. I also know that the best laid plans can change in an instant. I always try to stay flexible and ready to make changes if needed. Especially working in a church environment, things can change quickly. Sometimes even priorities can shift for a period of time.

The other thing I have been working on is my personal growth plan for 2009. I spent some time thinking about the things I can do to grow physically, emotionally and spiritually. I also tried to think of some systems that could help me achieve those personal goals.

You might say, what good does it do to make all those plans and spend all that time thinking ahead. For me, it helps me to lead people better. It also helps me lead myself better, which is even more important. The best leaders out there spend a good bit of time leading themselves. Working on their areas of strength and managing their areas of weakness. If it has been a while since you made plans, I suggest you start today.

If you want to have a better marriage, you better make some plans on how you will make that happen. If you want to lose weight or get in shape, you better decide how you are going to go about doing that. If you want to grow your business or stay in business, you better start making some strategic plans. This is what some people call working on it instead of in it.

It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day stuff of work and family and never step back and look at the future. If you don’t do that, you can’t see the changes you need to make, the adjustments you need to be successful and the mistakes you are heading for. So take an afternoon, get away from the office or the house and do some planning. I highly recommend you include your personal with your business planning. That way you are looking at your whole life and not just the work portion. If you include your personal planning with business, it helps to keep your priorities in place.

Make sure you write it all down and then review it and make adjustments. Then take it one step further and start putting those plans on your calendar at work and at home. Schedule the things that are important to get done both personal and professional.

Plan on!

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Small Group Serving Story

On Monday night the guys from my small group joined together to help an elderly lady move from New Philadelphia to Dundee. I love getting out in the community and serving with the people in my small group. Over the last several years the groups I have been involved in have helped many people move and have also done other serving projects together.

These times of serving are usually an adventure. Nothing ever goes as planned, but the guys are always up to the task. On Monday night we ran into a water leak on the outside of the house we were moving out of. We also had to catch two cats to take along. John Troyer got that job! John also spent time talking with the lady and getting to know her.

Joel Stone was along to help with his dad Keith and Joel ended up driving her car to the new place. The car was not in very good condition and it even stalled a few times. Joel did a great job of getting her to the new place in one piece.

I just want to thank the guys that gave up an evening to go and help this lady move. She told me that this was the first time since she moved to Ohio that anyone helped her without wanted anything in return. After getting her moved into her new mobile home we prayed for her and blessed her new home.

That small act of kindness will have ripple effects we will never know about. When was the last time you helped someone without expecting anything in return? How is your family or small group making a difference in your neighborhood or community? You have to look for opportunities to bless and help people. It is so easy to forget about the elderly, the single parents, the handicapped and the sick. The local church, made up of small groups of people can really make a difference through small acts of kindness. There are over 120 small group at NewPointe Communty Church. Can you imagine what would happen if all those groups were intentional about helping and serving the people in our communities? Groups of people out touching lives every week!

Thanks again to John Troyer, Keith Stone, Joel Stone, Ryan Yoss, Daryl Kurtz, Greg Barnett and Phil Alleshire. They provided vehicles and labor that got this lady moved in one night.

Serve On!

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Wedding community

This weekend one of the couples in our small group got married. Casey Miller and Jenn Margo were married on Saturday October 11, 2008. They have been in my couples small group for around 8 months. It has been fun getting to know them better and being able to participate in their wedding day. Most of my small group came to the wedding. I got to do the service as well.

We have been praying for Casey & Jenn as they start a new life together. We also did a study on the Five Love Languages earlier this year in our group. Having an engaged couple in our group was nice, because it helped the married couples remember what that was like for them. We all remember the falling in love stage of our marriages. It is neat to see different perspectives on marriage and relationships within our group.

I love community and building relationships. It is where the Christian life is really lived out. A small group that is real and authentic with each other is a special thing. Not many people get to experience and do life together. This wedding was a small taste of doing life together. Here are some pictures to enjoy:

This is John & Jennifer Troyer and their children, Amanda, Haley, Mitchel and Olivia. They host our small group on Sunday nights. The other picture is Keith & Tami Stone and Ryan & Carla Yoss with my wife Vikki.

Vikki & I

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People, Personalities & Problems

I work in the people business. Most of what I do relates to people and relationships. It really is that way for most people. You may be in the manufacturing business, the construction business, the medical business, the retail business or the homemaker business – but really you are dealing with people and relationships.

Because we have to deal with people every day, we need to learn to understand people. If you don’t work at understanding people, you will quickly become frustrated, stressed and angry. Whether at work or at home or at church we need to understand how we are different and how to better communicate with each other. Most of the stress in our lives revolves around people and many times it is because we don’t understand why someone acts the way they do or why they say or do certain things.

In my workplace we have been working hard to better understand each other and how we are wired. It is very enlightening to see how God made people and how their personality affect the way they work and deal with people. We did a personality profile using the DISC system. I have done this several times before and found it helpful each time. This time we used colors to relate what our main styles were. Red, Yellow, Green and Blue. What was neat, was that we had all the colors represented on our team. This helps us get things done and to keep things moving forward.

It takes a lot of work to understand people. We tend to see the world through our own color. When we do that, we often expect others to act, respond and communicate like we do. When they don’t, we get frustrated and can even get angry. That is why the better you understand people the better you can communicate and have influence with them.

If you start to become curious about people and take the time to study people, your perspective can begin to change. When someone reacts in an unexpected way, instead of reacting back, you can ask some questions to try to discover why that just happened. The better you understand people the more favor and influence you will have with them. The better you understand yourself and why you do what you do, the more you can improve the way you respond and react and communicate.

If you are curious about what color I am, it’s mainly Yellow and Green with a little Red. Some words that describe me would be: Sociable, trusting, optimistic, warm, convincing, stable, steady, consistent, relaxed, patient, responsible, independent. I would be what they call a Promoting Relater. I am people oriented, and like working with teams to solve problems in creative ways. I am optimistic and enthusiastic. I tend to verbalize my feelings and have a positive sense of humor. I also have confidence to do the difficult assignments. At least that is what the report said.

OK, there is a small snap shot of how I am wired. Of course there is much more to who I am and it takes time to really get to know people and understand them. I just want to encourage you to start the process of understanding yourself and how God made you. You can check out this online inventory to discover your spiritual gifts and your DISC personality. The better you know your strengths and weaknesses the better you can interact with people.

To learn more, click here.

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Fear Factor

All people experience fear; it’s a part of life. What we fear can be very different. Nine out of ten people are terrified by the thought of speaking before groups. One of my biggest fears is needles. I also fear roller coasters, heights and I really don’t care to be around snakes and spiders.

So there are some of my fears. No matter how foolish or humorous someone else’s fears may look to us, our own fears seem very serious and real. The thing to keep in mind is this; if we allow these fears to control our lives, it can stop us from making progress and growing and being used by God.

We all have core fears as well. Things like fear of being rejected, fear of failure, fear of loneliness, fear of being misunderstood, fear of feeling unimportant.

These deep fears can cause a lot of damage in our lives. They can keep us from making progress in our relationships with people and with God. Fear can paralyze us and keep us from experiencing the life that God has for us. Most of the time the things we fear have been blown way out of proportion. We build things up in our mind to the point where we can’t function properly. Fear can cause us to procrastinate and not do those hard, difficult things we know we need to do. Fear keeps us from being honest with people.

So how do we overcome our fears? For me I have had to face the needle and my roof. I have had to get shots, have blood drawn and had IVs put in. Each time I knew this was coming I had anxiety and fear. It was so bad, that often times I would faint during the procedure. I still struggle with this, but have learned to keep myself more calm and relaxed before hand. As for my fear of heights, I used to not be able to get up on my roof. Cleaning my gutters was a very stressful thing. But I faced that fear and started on one end of the roof that felt safer and worked my way to the steepest end. Now I can walk directly to the steep end.

My point is that we need to face our fears, because they are never as bad as we make them up to be. John Maxwell said it this way “Fear breeds inaction; inaction leads to lack of experience; lack of experience fosters ignorance; and ignorance breeds fear.”

So what are you missing in life because of fear? What experiences are you missing? What opportunities are you missing? Don’t let fear paralyze you; push through that fear and face it. Don’t wait to take that next step, make that tough call, have that tough talk or make that big decision. Invite God to partner with you on overcoming your fears. The Bible is full of fear not statements. God does not want us to have a spirit of fear. If we plug into His power, we can overcome those fears. On the other side of fear is progress, growth, joy and peace.

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Change

I was in a meeting this week where the topic of change came up. This is an interesting topic, and there has been a lot written about change. You may have heard some of these quotes:

“Whosoever desires constant success must change his conduct with the times.” Niccolo Machiavelli

“You will never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine.” John Maxwell

“We generally change ourselves for one of two reasons: inspiration or desperation.” Jim Rohn

“You cannot change your destination overnight, but you can change your direction overnight.” Jim Rohn

“We don’t think ourselves in a new way of acting, we act ourselves into a new way of thinking.” Larry Bossidy

“Complacency kills growth”. John Maxwell

These are some great quotes that have inspired me over the years. As we talked about change in that meeting, I had to ask myself how open am I to change? Usually we are all for change as long as it doesn’t affect me. When we hear that change is coming, it strikes a cord of fear deep inside most of us. What does that look like for me? How will this affect me? What do I have to do differently? What will I lose?

It is easy to talk about change, but it is not easy to actually change. Change takes hard work and discipline. Change can only happen when we do something different, something radical. Whether you want to change your workplace, your marriage, your children, your church, your school, your community or the world; it starts with the individual.

If we refuse to make radical changes in our attitude, work habits, communication skills, spending habits, words, character etc. things around us won’t change either. Growth and change go hand in hand. If you want to grow your faith, your character, your leadership, your relationships – then you need to grow and change yourself. How do you do that? What does that look like?

It is different for everyone, but the first thing you need to do is make the decision that you are willing to change yourself. Once you make that decision the work can begin. Often times you will need some help along the way. You will need some people to coach you, to hold you accountable, to challenge and encourage you. Seek out a mentor or someone who is a little further along than you and spend some time with them. Ask a bunch of questions and get your brain active again. Read and listen to people talk about the things you want to change.

As we talked in that meeting I started getting excited about change! I don’t want to be the same person next year that I am right now. God wants us to be in a constant state of change, becoming more and more like Jesus Christ. God wants the church to be in constant change, so that we will never become comfortable or complacent and forget about lost people. God wants our relationships to grow and change, so that we can live life to the fullest.

So what needs to change in you, in your church, in your marriage, in your finances, in your workplace? Don’t be satisfied with who you are right now, God wants you to think much bigger than that.

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Every Second Counts

On Saturday morning I ran in the Swiss Festival 5k. This is only the second 5k I have run, the first was earlier this year at Tuscora Park. I started running this spring and have been enjoying the challenge of running distance. The race started at 9:00 am in downtown Sugarcreek. I am guessing we had 60-70 runners. My goal was to run in 24 minutes, my previous race I ran in 25 minutes and 4 seconds.

I started out strong over the first mile, trying to keep pace with a runner that normally runs in 22 minutes. After about a mile and a half I fell back. We ran several hills that really took the energy out of me. As I was running the last hill and kept telling myself that every second counts in a race. That thought kept me moving and going up that hill. The race finished downhill which was nice. I ran 24 minutes and 13 seconds.

You know, every second counts in our lives as well. We only have so many seconds on this earth and then we go on to eternity. How we use those seconds is very important. Every second matters with your family, on your job and at church. I happen to work at a church and this whole race thing made me think about the church and the race we are running. The church is the hope of the world. In the church every second is vital, because we are dealing with where people will spend forever.

As Christians we need to realize the race we are in and work hard at influencing the people around us. The Church needs to be the most influential, relevant, exciting place in the world.

I am much more aware of the seconds that I have each day. We have been talking about this in my men’s group and my couples group. God has given us time to grow closer to Him and to show love and compassion to other people. Each day we need to spend time developing those relationships. This simple change of perspective can lead to a fuller, more meaningful life. Most people spend their seconds thinking about themselves, their problems and their wants. I am in that boat as well. Because each second counts, I want to spend time thinking about others, thinking and acting on those important relationships in my life. Taking some risks and doing things that will make a difference long after I am gone.

Each second counts!

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Character Check

I am reading a book about character called “Deadly Viper Character Assassins” By Mike Foster & Jud Wilhite. This little book focuses on our character and how it can creep or slip over time. So what is character? Here are some definitions of character that I found:

Character is the inward motivation to do what is right according to the highest standards of behavior in every situation.

Character consists of the stable and distinctive qualities built into an individual’s life which determine his or her responses, regardless of the circumstances.

Character is the wise response to the pressure of a difficult situation and what we do when we think no one is watching. It is the predictor of good behavior.

I have been thinking a lot about character lately. My own character and the character of people around me. Character really does matter, because it determines our behavior, especially when we are under stress. How many times do we cut corners or not do the little things we know are right. We think it is no big deal, but it can become a big deal. Little things like telling your secretary you are on the phone when you don’t want to talk with someone. Instead you should simply say “I am unavailable”. Honesty and integrity are important in every relationship we have. In our marriages, in our work, in our business dealings, in our personal finances. If we are cutting corners, not keeping promises and telling lies, we are on our way to a potential major character wreck.

A person of character is more than just doing the right thing, it is doing the right thing even when no one else is watching. Even when you will not get credit for doing the right thing. It is doing the right thing even if it means some personal pain.

One way to make sure you are acting with good character is to give the people around you permission to ask you some questions or to speak openly about character flaws they see. Your spouse, the people you work with every day, they are the ones that know you and know your character flaws. They can usually see the train wreck coming, but may not feel like you would listen to them. So, my question is this; do you have people that are willing to confront your bad behavior? Are you willing to be humble enough to listen to someone confront a character flaw? Most people don’t think it can happen to them. People don’t just wake up one day and just decide to embezzle money, have an affair, or cheat on their taxes. It is a hundred smaller choices that lead up to those big mistakes. Do a character exam on your self today. What areas of your life are a little shaky right now? Where have you been creeping or sliding in your character? It is never too late to start changing.