Category: Emotional Health

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How Healthy Are You?

 

When we talk about health most of us think about our physical health.  That is an important thing and I try to take that seriously by eating healthy and exercising.  Emotional and spiritual health is something we don’t think about or talk about as much.  I believe that they are even more important than physical health because they contribute to physical health.  When we are unhealthy emotionally or spiritually it can actually contribute to physical problems because of the unhealthy beliefs and thinking that contribute to the emotional state we are in.  So how do we get a handle on how healthy we are emotionally.

One of the biggest indicators of emotional health is the level of trust a person has.  The dysfunction of mistrust hurts relationships, marriages, work environments, churches, families and even entire countries.  Mistrust and control often go hand in hand.  At its core control comes from not trusting others to make healthy and wise choices.  Mistrust is often present when there is not proper clarity and when boundaries are not defined.  When their is a lack of communication people begin to mistrust.  Here are some things that create a culture of mistrust, either at home or at work:

  1. Approaching people from the beginning with an attitude of mistrust. Many people have a built-in attitude of mistrust.  This attitude says, “I will not trust you until you prove that I can trust you.”  That is the reverse of what a healthy person would think.  This attitude often is the result of being hurt in the past and therefore guarding against that ever happening again.
  2. Believing something to be true when you don’t have all the facts.  In other words assuming things that turn out to be false or untrue.  This happens when you don’t ask questions and dig for the truth.  It also happens when you automatically think the worst instead of believe the best.
  3. Believing what someone says without hearing the other side of the story or knowing all the facts.
    Healthy people don’t draw conclusions without doing due diligence.

So how do you build trust?  How do you change a culture in a home, church or workplace that has mistrust?

  1. Choose to trust unless you are given a reason not to.
  2. Assume that motives are right even when you disagree.
  3. Be proactive in clarifying issues rather than assuming something to be true.

Finally here are some trust building principles that will help transform your relationships at home and at work.

  • Choose to Trust – Choose to trust people unless they give you a reason not to.  When trust is broken make the effort to let that person know how trust can be re-established.
  • Be up-front and candid – Tell people what you are thinking and don’t hope they pick up on your hints.  Tell people what your expectations are and be clear about what you are thinking and why.
  • Keep your Promises – Do what you say you will do and be honest when you know you can’t.
  • Act Consistently – Your life needs to match your words.  You need to be consistent in how you treat people, how you express love to people and how you handle conflict.
  • Listen Carefully – This will transform your relationships because it will help to cut down on misunderstandings.  To listen well you need to ask clarifying questions, repeat back what the person said, honestly consider peoples opinions and suggestions and even change your mind if they have a better idea.  Seek first to understand and then to be understood.
  • Caring for People – Be genuine and treat people the way you would want to be treated.  Care about them as a whole person not just for how they can help you.  No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.
  • Be Self-Disclosing -Be quick to admit your own weaknesses and when you have made a mistake.  Share your story with people in appropriate ways.  For people you are close with open up and share the good the bad and the ugly.  If you are hiding something, it eventually comes out in your behavior.
  • Empower people don’t control – Give people the freedom to do what they are responsible to do.  Allow them to make mistakes and coach when necessary.  In a marriage relationship this means allowing your spouse to have other friends and activities they enjoy.  Clarify your desires and vision for your marriage.  Speak their love language without expecting them to speak yours.  Don’t give in order to get.
  • Clarify, don’t Assume – Always believe the best instead of assuming the worst.  When he is late again, believe that he had a busy day and something unexpected came up instead of assuming he intentionally worked late to make you mad.

Healthy people trust, unhealthy people mistrust.  It is the same way spiritually.  Healthy people trust God completely and believe He will do what he says He will do.  I encourage you to get healthy, take a risk and start trusting more.

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7 Ways Leaders Should Handle Criticism

If you have been in leadership for any length of time you know that you will always get criticized and that criticism always changes you as a leader, whether in a good way or a bad way.  Unhappy people tend to attack the point person.  We see this throughout the Bible, when Moses was leading his people through the desert they were constantly complaining and criticizing.  His own family criticized him, yet he persevered through it and grew as a leader.  Here are some guidelines we can learn from Moses and other leaders in the Bible on how to handle criticism:

  1. Maintain Your Humility – Humility is one of the most powerful traits of a great leader.  Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking about yourself less.  Humility allows you to look past the criticism and look for the nuggets of truth that can help you grow or make changes that truly help move you forward in your vision.  Humility helps a leader be less defensive.
  2. Face the Criticism Squarely – Great leader’s go directly to the person criticizing and listens to them.  This allows the leader to correct misunderstandings, redirect people that are off-base and cast vision for why we do what we do.  This is hard work, but necessary if you want to lead well.
  3. Be Specific About The Issues – Great leader’s are very clear.  Don’t dance around the topic of criticism, be specific.  Push the person criticizing to be specific and give examples.  Ask them what they think would be a better way or what other options might be available.  Also be willing to apologize if you were not clear in something you communicated.
  4. Understand the Difference Between Constructive and Destructive Criticism – Who benefits? Challenge the person if the criticism is destructive and meant to hurt instead of help.  If you are asking for feedback on a regular basis and seeking criticism it will often turn destructive criticism into constructive.  This takes intentional vision casting and expressing an openness to listen.  If people feel safe to tell you something they don’t like, they are more likely to come to you.  If you bite their head off when they criticize they won’t come to you, but will tell everyone else.
  5. Guard Your Own Attitude Toward the Critic – Don’t get defensive, but stay objective.  Your attitude will go a long way in determining the outcome.  If you go in with both guns blazing, attacking the critic, they will fire right back or shut down and then go tell everyone they know how you handled the situation.  Every encounter with a critic is an opportunity.
  6. Don’t See Only the Critic; See the Crowd – Is this an isolated piece of criticism or is it widespread.  If a lot of people have the same criticism the approach must be different than if only one person is complaining.  This takes work to know your followers and to get the feedback to know if this is a bigger issue.  As a leader it is vital that you are in touch with your followers.  They need to have clear open ways of communicating with you.  You need to be intentional about meeting with people one-on-one in order to hear their heart.
  7. Make Sure You Are Emotionally Healthy – This is huge for leaders.  If you are not healthy emotionally, criticism will eat you up.  All the hurts you have inside will leak out in unhealthy ways.  Your perspective will be off and your focus will be on yourself, not the bigger picture.  Emotional health will determine the level of your leadership.

I lead at a Multi-site church and I must say that criticism has helped me to grow as a leader.  I work hard at being open to push back and criticism.  I pay attention to comments that come in.  It takes courage for someone to make a critical comment and it deserves to be followed up with.  I recently had a new person to our church share something that was critical of something we did.  I sent her an email explaining our motive behind what we did.  I cast vision for who we are trying to reach as a church.  It helped her to better understand the why behind what we are doing.  I had opportunity later to talk with her and her husband on the phone and even pray with them.  I also have around 10 people that I often ask for criticism and feedback on what is not working, what is working, what is missing and what is confused.  These conversations help me to get a better understanding of what the perception of the people really is.  It also helps me to communicate more clearly and cast vision more effectively.

Lead On

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Six Guidelines for Forgiveness

Practicing forgiveness is one of the most powerful ways a person can stay emotionally healthy.  This is the most effective way to release negative emotions like anger, resentment, hurt and unloved.  Because this is such an important part of healthy relationships I want to give some guidelines on forgiveness:

  1. Forgiveness is a choice – We seldom feel like forgiving someone that offended us or hurt us.  It is an act of our will to let go of the the offense.
  2. Forgiveness is a matter of stewardship – Colossians 3:13 says “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”  Because we have been forgiven, we should forgive others.  We often choose not to forgive because the person that hurt us does not deserve to be forgiven.  The truth is that no one deserves to be forgiven.  When we remember the grace that God gave us it can help us to extend that kind of grace and forgivenees to others.
  3. We should forgive whether or not our offender asks for forgiveness – Jesus forgave the people that abused him and nailed him to a cross.  Forgiveness is not based on whether our offender deserves our forgiveness or whether or not they ask for it.  We are to forgive because we have been forgiven.  Forgiveness releases negative emotions and when we wait for someone to ask for forgiveness those negative emotions can cause much damage to our emotional state and relationships.
  4. We should not make our forgiveness conditional – God forgave us with no strings attached, we should do the same.  We should not say:
    • I’ll forgive you if you promise to never do it again
    • I’ll forgive you if you clean the house.
    • I’ll forgive you but I’m going to sulk for days
    • I’ll forgive you but only after I tell you everyone what you did
    • I’ll forgive you this time but not if you do it again.

Genuine forgiveness never involves an if or but.

5.  It is OK to share with our offender how deeply we were hurt by what happened – We shouldn’t put conditions on forgiveness, but it is healthy to share with the offender how much you were hurt.  It is also healthy to set boundaries with people that have hurt us, so that it does not happen again. If someone has been beating you physically there needs to be clear boundaries so that does not happen again, and if it does there are clear consequences.

6.  Forgiving does not mean forgetting – Just because you forgive, does not mean you forget.  It is the first step toward forgetting.  Usually there needs to be a time of rebuilding trust with the person that hurt us.  This can take time and require clear boundaries.  Forgiving means I am choosing to release the offense or cancel the debt.  The person does not owe me anything anymore.  There is great freedom when you practice genuine forgiveness.

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Asking For Forgiveness

 

How we ask for forgiveness is critical.  I don’t know of any relationship that has lasted very long that has not had to practice forgiveness.  This is the key ingredient that makes all the difference.  Unhealthy relationships lack true forgiveness.  Old problems and conflict are brought up on a regular basis and used to hurt the other person.  I will be writing several posts in the coming weeks on this idea of forgiveness.

If I accidentally spill a cup of coffee on you, I have not sinned against you, so I do not need to ask for forgiveness.  But I should apologize for what I have done.  On the other hand, if I throw a cup of coffee in your face, I have sinned against you.  I need to ask you to forgive me.

So, is an apology the same as asking for forgiveness?  No.  The right way to go about asking for forgiveness is to first name the specific sin, and then explicitly asking the person for forgiveness:  “I was wrong for yelling at you and using that language with you.  Will you forgive me?”  I named the sin and asked for forgiveness.  If I would have said, “I am sorry for yelling at you,” and stop there, the typical response from the offended person is, “Oh that’s okay,”  or “it’s no big deal.”  What has happened there is the offender has not admitted to sinning against the other person.  Secondly, the offended person has lied by minimizing the sin.  It is not okay for someone to sin against another person.  This is not the way to healthy relationships.

So the key is recognizing and admitting when we sin against another person.  When you admit your mistake openly and ask for forgiveness for that offense it now puts it into the other persons court to make a decision.  Either I choose to forgive that person or not.  I may not be ready in that moment to forgive if it was a deep hurt or has been a long term thing.  I should consider if the person is trustworthy and sincere.  Even if they are not totally sincere or trustworthy, it is still my decision to hold onto the hurt or release it by forgiving the person.  Unforgiveness is the root of most anger issues and will destroy your relationships.  Choosing to forgive is the beginning of healing and wholeness.

Next time I will talk about why we don’t forgive.

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Who’s Filling Your Cup?

As human beings we have basic needs. Some are physical like food, oxygen, water, sleep.  We also have needs for our inner being or our soul.  This includes the realm of our emotions.  This is what fills our cup and keeps us going.  There are four basic soul needs that all of us crave.  We are all created with these needs and we all search for ways to meet these needs everyday.  Most of the time we look in the wrong places to meet these needs.  So here they are:

  1. Acceptance – Knowing you are loved and needed by others.
  2. Identity – Knowing you are individually significant and special.
  3. Security – Knowing you are well protected and provided for.
  4. Purpose – Knowing you have a reason for living.

These basic needs are the driving force behind what motivates us in life.  Just like we crave food and develop an appetite, we crave emotionally to have these needs met on a regular basis.  If we go too long with these basic needs unmet, we become depressed, anxious, fearful, angry, lonely, and numb.  These are needs, so we must have them met or we cannot survive.  The problem is that the way we seek to meet these needs is primarily through other people or things.  When we do that three things usually result:

  1. We will be disappointed with the results, no matter how well things go.
  2. We will lack the inner resources we need to love others the way we should and confront life successfully.
  3. We almost always will be hurt or offended eventually by the one we trust.

When we trust in people and things our inner security is dependent on someone or something we cannot predict or control and that is limited.  Often our ability to give is dependent on what we get from from others.  If I am not getting what I want, then I don’t give what I know I should.  This leads to a life of disappointment and frustration.  When our expectations are that others meet these needs it creates a negative atmosphere of tension in our relationships.  It can even push the people around us away and create a gap in our relationships.  We are constantly disappointed with the people around us, because they can never live up to our expectations of meeting these four basic needs.

The answer is to put our trust in God to meet these basic needs.  When we trust in God our inner strength and security are dependent on God who is faithful and has unlimited resources.  Our ability to give to others flows from God living in us.  When others are not giving to us, we can still love generously and unconditionally which strengthens all our relationships over time.  Our lives are filled with an atmosphere of blessing, satisfaction and optimism because our perspective has changed from other people to God.  Our expectations of others changes, which takes pressure off of them and us.

So, who is meeting your basic needs?  If it is other people, let me encourage you to turn to God and ask Him to meet those needs of acceptance, identity, security and purpose.  As your relationship with God grows those basic needs are met in a deeper and more significant way.  The results are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control.

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Contentment Leads to Happiness

 

What does contentment mean?

“Contentment is realizing that God has already provided everything I need for my present and future happiness.”

In the New Testament, the words content and contentment are translated from arkeo, which means “to be satisfied; to be strong,” and autarkeia, which means “to need no aid or support; sufficiency of the necessities of life.

“Be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee” Hebrews 13:5.

Six Thoughts about Contentment:

  1. Contentment is contrary to human nature and must be learned.

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstance” Philippians 4:11.
           

  1. Contentment begins by knowing the purpose of Life.

“I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death” Philippians 3:10.

  1. Contentment requires distinguishing between needs and wants.

“But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that” 1 Timothy 6:8

“So do not worry , saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘ What shall we wear?’  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:31-33.

  1. Contentment is based on a recognition of mutual need.

“Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God” Matthew 4:4

  • Discontentment begins by desiring self-sufficiency.

Genesis 3:1-6

  • Discontentment leads to covetousness (Greed).

“Then He said to them, ‘Watch out!  Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions”  Luke 12:15.

  • Covetousness produces idolatry.

The Tenth Commandment Exodus 20:17

  1. Contentment is achieved by exchanging things for more of Christ.

“What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things, I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ” Philippians 3:8.

“He is no fool, who gives what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose.” Jim Elliot

  1. Contentment allows us to gain things of greater value.

The Parable of the Sower.  Matthew 13:18-23

v  Contentment is valuing God-given relationships more than earthly possessions.

Matthew 26:6-16

Mary of Bethany & Judas

v  Contentment is realizing that I am indestructible until my work is done.

Book of Nehemiah

Nehemiah

v  Contentment is avoiding the bondage of personal expectations.

Joshua 7

Achan

v  Contentment is rejoicing in the way that God designed me.

Luke 19:1-10

Zacchaeus

 

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The Fear Factor in Relationships

 

None of us need new ways to screw up our relationships.  The way in which we mess things up is working just fine.  Most of us tend to fail in the same ways over and over again.  It is part of our hard wiring that has happened over our entire lives.  We have learned how to deal with pain, in mostly unhealthy ways.  At the core of our behaviors that cause problems in our lives is fear.  Fear is what drives us to do and say things that mess up our relationships.  These fears have been embedded in us over a long period of time and when certain buttons are pushed, the fear rises up and out rushes our response to the heat or pain we are experiencing.  Our emotions are an indicator of what is going on inside of us.  They are like warning lights that something is not right.  Fear will amplify those emotions to the point of no return.

So the question we need to ask ourselves is what do I do when I am afraid?  What is my typical reaction when my fear button gets pushed?  Here is a list of some of the most common unhealthy reactions we have:

  • Withdrawal – You avoid others or alienate yourself without resolution; you sulk or use the silent treatment
  • Escalation – Your emotions spiral out of control; you argue, raise your voice, fly into a rage
  • Try Harder – You try to do more to earn other’s love & care
  • Blaming – You place responsibility on others, not accepting fault; you’re convinced the problem is the other person’s fault
  • Exaggeration – You make overstatements or enlarge your words beyond the bounds or the truth
  • Denial – You refuse to admit the truth or reality
  • Defensiveness – Instead of listening, you defend yourself by providing an explanation
  • Passive-aggressive – You display negative emotions, resentment, and aggression in passive ways, such as procrastination and stubbornness
  • Complaining – You express unhappiness or make accusations; you criticize, creating a list of the other person’s faults
  • Anger and Rage – You display strong feelings of displeasure or violent and uncontrolled emotions
  • Humor – You use humor as a way of not dealing with the issue at hand
  • Sarcasm – You use negative humor, hurtful words, belittling comments, cutting remarks, or demeaning statements
  • Minimization – You assert that the other person is overreacting to an issue; you intentionally underestimate, downplay, or soft-pedal the issue
  • Rationalization – You attempt to make your actions seem reasonable; you try to attribute your behavior to credible motives; you try to provide believable but untrue reasons for your conduct

There are many more I could list, but I am sure there are several responses in here that we all can claim as to how we respond when the heat is turned up in our lives.  These responses usually bring the same results, however we continue to use them in our conflict situations, because we truly believe we are doing the right thing.  We are trying to get the other person to stop whatever behavior triggered the fear inside of us.  Unfortunately each of these reactions only tends to poke at the fear inside the other person, which causes them to respond in one of these ways as well.

So around we go doing this dysfunctional, awkward, relational dance with the people around us.  The fears we experience are a result of lies that we truly believe.  Some of the most common fears that cause these reactions are as follows:

  • Rejection – The other person doesn’t want me or need me; I am not necessary in this relationship; I feel unwanted
  • Disconnection – We will become emotionally detached or separated; I will feel cut off from the other person
  • Failure – I am not successful at being a husband/wife, friend, parent, coworker; I will not perform correctly; I will not live up to expectations; I am not good enough
  • Inadequate – I am not capable; I am incompetent
  • Invalidated – Who I am, what I think, what I do, or how I feel is not valued
  • Unloved – The other person doesn’t care about me; my relationship lacks warm attachment, admiration, enthusiasm, or devotion
  • Judged – I am always being unfairly judged; the other person forms faulty or negative opinions about me; I am always being evaluated; the other person does not approve of me.
  • Ignored – The other person will not pay attention to me; I feel neglected

There are many more fears as well, but again I think each of us can identify several fears we struggle with.  As we identify these fears and begin to understand the lie behind it and what is going on inside of us when these fears rise up, we can begin to change the way in which we choose to respond.  This is called self-awareness.

The best way in which to overcome these fears is by growing closer to God and fully understanding how only He can meet the deep emotional needs that we all have.  Our fears will never go away, but we can learn to turn to God when they pop up and lean on Him for the strength we need to respond in a healthy, humble way.  The best way to fight fear is with fear.  What I mean by that is when we have a healthy fear or reverence for God it helps us to have more courage in the face of the inner fears we have.  The fear of the Lord is what sets us free from the fear of man, finances, death, divorce and the future.

The Bible says that fear and love cannot cohabitate.  So when our hearts are filled with God’s love we have the power to react or respond in a different way.  We can hold our tongue, listen and try to understand, ask questions to clarify, wait for the right time to confront, seek help from others, admit our part, ask for forgiveness, grant forgiveness, use words that are positive and encouraging, use body language that is open and loving.  Fear is all about ourselves, while love is all about other people.  Fear is inward focused while love is outward focused.  Every time we face a fear we have an opportunity to trust God or trust ourselves.  When we trust God, even when we don’t know the outcome, we grow closer to Him and farther away from those fears.

So what is keeping you from surrendering everything to God and trusting Him?  What is keeping you from fearing God more than man?  What emotional wall are you hitting repeatedly that causes fear to rise up inside of you?  What reactions need to be changed in order to improve your relationships?

The list of reactions and fears came from Gary Smalley and his book – “The DNA of Relationships.”

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Are You A Worry Wart?

 

For most people worry is something that comes naturally.  We worry about deadlines, how to pay the bills, what other people think about us, our job security, our marriage, our children and their future.  Sometimes we worry about little things and sometimes we worry about big things, but the point is we all tend to worry.  A good definition of worry is negative focused thinking.  When we worry we are thinking in a negative way.  We go into the worse case scenario and often begin to spiral downward in our thinking.  The result of negative focused thinking is that our emotional and physical state is impacted in a negative way as well.

Jesus actually cautioned us against worrying about anything – even the food we eat or the clothes we wear.  In Matthew 6:25-34, Jesus gives us six reasons for trusting in God rather than  worrying.

  1. God Created Us – The same God who gives us the gift of life and created us as a unique human being will certainly supply the lesser things in life like food and clothing.
  2. God Cares For Us – If God cares for the birds and provides for their needs, why wouldn’t He care for and meet our needs as well.  God loves us more than we love our own children or grandchildren.  He loves us more than we love our parents or siblings.  He loves us more than we love our spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend.  Because of that deep love for us He cares about every detail of our lives.
  3. Worry Doesn’t Change Anything – Worry expends energy pointlessly.  It doesn’t change the reality of the situation one bit.  Worry tends to make the situation worse because it robs us of our peace.  It causes us to lose sleep and brings up negative damaging emotions like fear, bitterness, anxiety and depression.
  4. Worry Ignores God’s Faithfulness in Our Lives – God faithfully provides for all the things He has created.  He pays attention to even the flowers in a field, why wouldn’t He pay even closer attention to us, His masterpiece.  When we worry we quickly forget all the times God has provided in the past.  We forget the way He has moved in previous situations and helped us through difficulties before.
  5. We Are God’s Children – God will never treat us as orphans who need to fend for ourselves.  He treats us as His very own children.  His desire is to give us good gifts and to bless us.  Many times we stray away from Him and walk down the worry path instead of the trust path.    When we do that, God patiently waits for us to return to Him.  When we see God as a loving ever present Father instead of a distant or absent father, we don’t have to worry.
  6. When We Worry About Tomorrow We Miss Out On Today – Any problem we face can be handled, with God’s help, one day at a time.  When we rely on God for help, He freely gives us what we need.  When we rely on ourselves and our own strength we will fall short.  When we worry we miss the blessings that God has for us today.  We miss the things that are right in front of us and we don’t see clearly.  When we worry, we tend to make decisions that often make things worse.

The next time that worry starts to creep into your life or you feel the pressure of life, pray for the grace you need to depend on God.  He is faithful and trustworthy and will provide what is needed to endure and overcome whatever comes your way.  Psalm 118:6, 8-9 says “The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?… It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.  It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.”

This is only possible if you have a personal relationship with God.  It is your decision whether you have that relationship or not.  In order to be a child of God you need to accept the free gift God gives to you through His son Jesus Christ.  By asking Jesus to forgive your sins and be the leader of your life you instantly become a child of God and can have the close personal relationship I described above.  Once that decision is made, you begin the journey with God in becoming the person He originally designed you to be.  God begins to chip away the rough edges and begins to shape you and mold you, so that you can fulfill the calling He has for your life.  He begins to heal the hurts and hang ups from your past that keep you from living life to the fullest.

God wants to carry our burdens for us, but we need to hand them over and not take them back.  So take some advice from Jesus and stop worrying.

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Healthy Emotions, Healthy Relationships

Most of life is about relationships, and the health of those relationships determines the success and happiness we experience.  Our lives are either up or down based on the health of the relationships around us.  Whether it is the relationship with a spouse, a child, a parent, a brother or sister, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a boss or a co-worker, a friend or even God; when things are going well we tend to feel good and when they are going bad we feel down.

God made us to be relational by nature.  His design for us was to not lone, but in community or relationship with others.  The health of all of our relationships depends a lot on our own emotional health.  We cannot control what other people do, think or say, but we can control what we do, think or say.  Most of the problems in our marriages and other vital relationships stem from being unhealthy in our own emotions.

We all have emotional baggage that we carry with us.  Wounds from previous relationships tend to stay with us and affect how we interact with the people around us.  The scars from those wounds can actually cause us to think and act in unhealthy ways, because we are trying to protect ourselves from getting wounded again.  Many people have also observed or lived around unhealthy relationships that have influenced how they now handle conflict or deal with difficult situations.  All of this stuff from our past causes us to have deep rooted fears that keep us from living life the way God intended.

So here is the question; How do we overcome these fears and live life to the fullest?

There is no easy way in which to do this.  However, a great first step is to go back in order to go forward.  By going back, I do not mean to dwell on your past, what I mean is to deal with your past.  One of the best ways I have found to do this is through a process called “Steps to Freedom in Christ” by Neil Anderson.  I have taken many people through this process and have seen amazing results.  I highly recommend using the booklet to walk through these steps and to do it with a spiritual mentor.  Here are the Seven steps:

  1. Counterfeit vs. Real – This first step is all about renouncing the things from our past that we may have dabbled in that are not of God, and that may have contributed to believing lies about ourselves, God and other people.
  2. Deception vs. Truth – The second step is a process of identifying lies that we may believed or have believed in the past and replacing them with the truth.  There is a set of truth statements that I use often for myself and the people I mentor to read through and focus on.
  3. Bitterness vs. Forgiveness – The third step is often one of the biggest and most freeing step as we work through the process of forgiveness.  This exercise is one of the most powerful exercises I have done personally or with someone else.
  4. Rebellion vs. Submission – Step four is about admitting our tendency to rebel and to ask for God’s help in submitting in a healthy way.
  5. Pride vs. Humility – Step five is often hard, but vital in gaining emotional and spiritual freedom.  Admitting to areas of pride and seeking humility leads to incredible strength and freedom.
  6. Bondage vs. Freedom – The sixth step is about admitting all the sins that we have struggled with in our life and asking God for forgiveness.  There are specific prayers to pray based on what types of sins may be keeping us in bondage.
  7. Curses vs. Blessing – This last step has to do with the sins of our family.  Every family has generational sins that have been passed down from generation to generation.  This can stop with you.

There are prayers included at the end that are helpful in maintaining freedom and keeping God central in our lives.

Once a year we should all do a spiritual and emotional check up and this is one way to do that.  This is all about allowing God to heal the wounds and eliminate the scars from our past, so that we can live in freedom and have healthy relationships moving forward.

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Eleven Rules For a Healthy Brain and Body

 

I have been reading a book on brain health, by Daniel Amen.  If ind it very interesting.  His overall theme is that most people’s brains are not very healthy because of the poor nutrition, lack of exercise & lack of sleep.  I just finished reading the chapter on nutrition and thought I would share the Eleven rules the author shares for our best nutrition.  By following these rules, we can lose weight, lower blood pressure, bad cholesterol, increase focus and energy and enjoy life much more.  So here they are:

      1. Drink plenty of water, some green tea (2-3 times a day), and limit drinks with calories.
      2. Watch your calories – The bottom-line message about calories is that the fewer you eat, the longer you live. Calorie restriction with optimal nutrition should be our motto.
      3. Increase good fats and decrease bad fats – Bad fat (saturated fats), really bad fat (trans fat), and good fat (unsaturated fats).  Good fat foods:  Anchovies, Avocados, Lean Meats (Chicken/Turkey), low-fat cheeses, Nuts (walnuts are the best), Olive oil, Canola oil, Flaxseed oil, Salmon, Soybeans, Tuna.
      4. Reduce your Sugar intake – Sugar spikes your blood sugar level then sends it crashing down about 30 minutes later, leaving you feeling lackluster and dim-witted.  If you want to cut down on your sugar intake, start by cutting out the soda and limiting the cookies, candy and ice cream.  Hold the bread before meals, bread makes you hungrier and encourages you to eat more.
      5. Dump artificial sweeteners and replace them with small amounts of natural sweeteners – Artificial sweeteners can cause joint pain, headaches, increase sugar cravings.  Natural sweeteners like stevia, Xylitol can be used on a limited basis.
      6. Limit caffeine intake – caffeine restricts blood flow to the brain, dehydrates the brain, interferes with sleep, can be addictive in high amounts, can accelerate the heart rate and raise blood pressure, can give you the jitters, increase muscle tension, upset your stomach, elevate inflammatory markers and interfere with fertility.  Caffeine is in a lot of things besides coffee.  Coffee in moderation has some health benefits.
      7. Eat great brain foods – The author lists the top 50 best brain foods.  Lots of fruits, veggies, fish, beans & lentils, whole wheat, chicken/turkey.  One of the big keys is to eat a balanced diet.  Knowing how many servings of each food group you need each day is vital to being healthy.
      8. Reduce salt intake and increase potassium intake – Most foods already have plenty of salt in them, try to avoid adding any on your own.  Foods high in potassium include:  bananas, spinach, honeydew melon, kiwi, lima beans, oranges, tomatoes and all meats.
      9. Plan snacks – Eating every 3-4 hours throughout the day helps to stabilize your blood sugar.  Here are some good options:  Low-fat yogurt & nuts, 1 ounce string cheese & half a cup of grapes, Turkey with an apple, dried fruit with no sugar added.
      10. Take a daily multivitamin/mineral supplement and fish oil – Ninety-one percent of Americans do not eat at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, the minimum required to get good nutrition.  Therefore most of us need to take a supplement.
      11. Recognize when you or someone you care about has hidden food allergies – Certain foods may cause physical, emotional, behavioral, or learning problems.  The most common culprits are peanuts, milk, eggs, soy, fish, shellfish, tree nuts, and wheat.  Others include corn, chocolate, tea, coffee, sugar, yeast, citrus fruits, pork, rye, beef, tomatoes and barley.  Many people with ADD can improve dramatically if they find the foods that they are allergic to and eliminate them from their diet.

The more I study nutrition, the more I am convinced that many of our physical and emotional problems come from poor nutrition.  Most of us would prefer to first medicate instead of dramatically changing the way in which we eat.  God designed our bodies in an amazing way and if we put the right things into our bodies they function better and last longer.  I still have a lot to learn and implement into my life, but I am trying I hope you will as well.