Category: Emotional Health

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Ten Characteristics of a Healthy Marriage

As a relationship & life coach I work with couples and individuals daily. In my observations and studies there are certain characteristics of what a healthy relationship looks like. These are some of the important ones I have found in most healthy relationships.

Ten Characteristics of a Healthy Marriage:

  1. Commitment – They have a long-term perspective toward their relationship; tend to persevere when trouble comes up. View marriage as a covenant not a contract. Each one takes personal responsibility for their part in the relationship.
  2. Satisfaction – Both individuals are happy and satisfied with their relationship. This doesn’t mean there are no problems or challenges, or even periods of unhappiness. They work hard at meeting the other persons needs and speak their love language often.
  3. Communication – The way couples communicate is one of the most powerful indicators of marriage health. Being intentional about exchanging information and how they are feeling. Open and honest in their communication. Asking questions to clarify what was meant. Seeking to understand the other person and avoid misunderstandings. The words they use in communicating can bring life or death to a relationship.
  4. Effective Conflict Resolution – Ability to resolve conflict in healthy ways. Healthy couples are good at getting down to the real issues and facing them together. They view themselves as a team working together, not as the opposition. The ability to deal with conflict without criticism, contempt, or defensiveness.
  5. Lack of violence or abuse – Conflict is normal in healthy marriages, but abuse is not. Whether verbal, emotional or physical, abuse is destructive and unhealthy.
  6. Fidelity or Faithfulness – Spouses are sexually faithful to each other; keeping intimate physical and emotional relationships within the bonds of marriage. Even emotional connections to the opposite sex is considered being unfaithful & unhealthy.
  7. Intimacy & Emotional support – They are physically & emotionally intimate with each other. That means being sexually active with each other and connecting on a deeper emotional level through sharing every part of their life with each other. They feel safe with each other.
  8. Friendship – They are spending time together on a regular basis. They are intentional about doing things together and paying attention to each other. They respect each other and enjoy each others company. They like being together.
  9. Commitment to children – Not all married couples have children, or have children living with them anymore. But if children are a part of the family, the couple is committed to developing and parenting the children as a team. They regularly communicate with each other about the children and their development. They are in agreement on discipline and on helping older children. The children are not the top priority, the spouse is.
  10. Spiritual Intimacy – They share their spiritual beliefs with each other. Praying together and as a family and bringing God into the home. Healthy couples are active in church attendance, serving together and in community with other people. Couples that have Spiritual Intimacy together rarely get divorced (Less than 5%). Each one is working on their individual relationship with God on a regular basis.

There are more characteristics, but if these are missing in a marriage relationship, that marriage will struggle.

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Choices Part Two

In my last post I talked about how we think impacts our emotions and our behavior. We all have the ability to control our thoughts and therefore manage our emotions. Today I want to talk about how to impact our thinking and transform our minds, so that we can control those negative destructive thoughts that hurt our relationships.

Much of this I learned from studying the writings of Gary Smalley and the Scriptures. I will be sharing Six Scriptures over the course of this week that we can focus on and transform the way we think. I will talk about two today:

  1. Ephesians 3:16-20 – “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

We have the capacity of having unlimited power, love, fulfillment and life when Christ’s Holy Spirit lives inside us. Notice how the Paul the author mentions both power and love three times. Christ’s power within us is evidenced by our love toward others, our ability to live His will for us, our sense of peace and fulfillment on a daily basis and our overall Christ-like character.

With God’s power in us we can do amazing things. We can take control of our thoughts and include God in everything we are trying to do. Whether I am thinking about about talking with my spouse or friend, working on an important project, exercising for 30 minutes, or reading a blog, I’m continually aware of this unlimited power within me. Jesus told us that we would be able to do greater things than He did, can you imagine that? Think for a moment about the incredible power that is available to us every day at every moment. All we need to do is plug into the power source. That power can help us love and serve the way God wants us to.

2. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

Because of the great power within us, we can take every one of our thoughts (beliefs, dreams, ideas) captive to the obedience of Christ. That means we can think like Jesus would think, and therefore do what Jesus did. Since all of our emotions, words and actions start in our heart and mind, we can wake up every day with the assurance that we have the power to control how we feel, what we say and how we act all day long. With God’s weapons we can demolish the things that keep us in bondage and hold us back from a fulfilling life.

No one is a victim. If I am on the beach and I notice a beautiful woman with a great shape, I can think that God did a great job in designing her, but if my mind starts to go in a lustful direction, I have the power to say to my mind, NO! That thought does not line up with God’s word. I can tell myself, “Sorry thoughts, I will not allow lustful thinking about this person.” God’s word tells us in Philippians 4:8 “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”

Those lustful thoughts do not fit any of those words. So if our thoughts don’t fit with any of those words, we should not allow those thoughts to continue. Any thoughts that lead to the death or destruction of a relationship is not from God. Thoughts that lead me to commit sin or to do something selfish are not from God either. It may sound impossible, but with the supernatural power of Christ it is possible. On our own we will struggle and fail, but everything is possible with Christ who strengthens us. We need to take small steps in that direction and with each victory our thinking will be transformed. We have the power to control our thoughts.

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Forgiveness

This week I worked through something called “Steps to Freedom in Christ”. Actually our entire staff walked through it. I have used this with many people over the years, but it had been a while since I did it. It is kind of like a good house cleaning, sweeping out all the junk that has been accumulating over the years.

The one area that surprised me was the section on forgiveness. I did not think I had anyone to forgive, but as I prayed and asked God to bring people to my mind that I needed to forgive, a bunch of people came to my mind. Most of them were small seemingly insignificant things that happened in the past. I was able to write their names down and then forgive each person by name and specifically what they did and how it made me feel. I let go of any ill feelings I had held and it felt good.

So what is forgiveness? I believe it is an act of compassion or love expressed when you are sinned against.

  • Forgiveness Cancels a debt – When there is a debt, someone must pay. Either the one who owes must pay it back, or the one owed must take a loss. Forgiveness requires that the person who has sinned make amends or the one who has been sinned against must bear the pain and loss himself. Let’s say you borrow my chainsaw. When you return it the chain is broken. I can either make you pay for the repair or I can pay for it myself. Either way, someone has to absorb the cost. We can’t pretend the chain is not broken. If I choose to pay for the repair, then I have forgiven you your debt; it’s canceled. When you forgive the debt, you no longer expect to be paid back.
  • Forgiveness is a three fold promise –
  1. I will not bring up this offense again or use it against you.
  2. I will not bring it up to others in gossip, or malign you because of it.
  3. I will not bring it up to myself and dwell on the offense.

For more on this idea of forgiveness, go read Matthew Chapter 18:21-35 – The parable of the unmerciful servant.

  • Forgiveness is an event and a process – What I mean by that is that forgiveness is a choice, an event where I decide to forgive a person. However it is a process, because every time I think about the offense I need to continue to forgive, to not bring it back up and dwell on it.
  • Forgiveness is not forgetting – When I forgive someone, I can’t erase my memory. I don’t have a reset button. In Isaiah 43:25 God says that He will “not remember our sins”, He is saying that he will not use our past sins against us. Forgetting can be a long-term result of forgiving.
  • Forgiveness is not Peace at all Costs – Sometimes we think that if we forgive someone we become a doormat, and people will walk all over us. Scripture does not tell us to make it easy for people to sin against us. It calls us to love them well by challenging their actions. Godly confrontation is a healthy thing and so are healthy boundaries. Forgiveness and trust are not the same. Trust must be rebuilt through changed behavior and actions.

If there is someone you need to forgive, don’t wait until you feel like it, because that is unlikely to ever happen. Make that choice to forgive, even if they don’t deserve it. Unforgiveness is one of the biggest causes of emotional damage that people carry. It damages our relationships and keeps us in bondage. It can cause depression and anxiety and even physical illness. Unforgiveness hurts you not the other person. Make the wise choice today and forgive from your heart and cancel any debts that are hanging out there.

Here is the prayer I prayed:
Lord Jesus, I choose to forgive (name the person) for (what he or she did or failed to do) because it made me feel (share the painful feelings; i.e rejected, worthless, inferior).
Lord, I choose not to hold on to my resentment. I relinquish my right to seek revenge and ask You to heal my damaged emotions. Thank You for setting me free from the bondage of bitterness. I now ask you to bless those who have hurt me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

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Walls

What do you do when you hit a wall emotionally or spiritually? Most of us try to find another way around that wall. In other words we choose another path with less resistance instead of trying to break through that wall. The funny thing is God usually brings us back to same place again and again until we break through. Many times we can get lost trying to find another way instead of working on a way to break through that wall. On the other side of that wall is new freedom and emotional health. This process builds our character and increases our faith if we are persistent.

To break through those tough walls in our lives, Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 10:5 to recognize lies that are holding us back and replace those lies with God’s truth. The way in which we think directs our behavior and that thinking often times keeps us behind walls and stagnate in our spiritual growth.

When our thinking changes and lines up with the way God thinks, we can break through those obstacles. Our thoughts have power. To win over them, we must submit to Christ and control what we allow our mind to dwell on. The more we dwell on God’s truth the more we can recognize the lies that are holding us back from the freedom God wants us to have.

Whatever walls we face, to keep growing spiritually and emotionally we must face those walls head on and keep pushing to get to the other side and freedom. God has promised to always be with us, and if we lean on Him for strength we can break through any obstacles on our spiritual journey.

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Self-medicating

Are you self-medicating? When we experience physical pain or illness we seek medicines from the doctor to cure the ailment or end the pain. However when we hurt emotionally or spiritually, we usually end up medicating ourselves in ways that numb the pain but rarely cure the hurt.

We self-medicate in many ways, but the goal is always to mask the pain of whatever we have experience or are experiencing. We look for things that make us feel good for a short period of time. It can range from actual drugs like tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, painkillers or sleeping pills to things like caffeine, food in general, chocolate or ice cream. Other times it can be things like pornography, affairs, spending money, gossiping, or over-working.

All of these things ignore the real issues in our life and keep us from experiencing real freedom and relational health. The best way to medicate ourselves is to turn to God. He tells us to cast all our worries and problems on Him, because He can handle it all. God invites us to give our anxiety, depression, anger, frustration, greed, jealousy, fears and worries to Him and let Him deal with it.

That sounds simple, but it can be hard to do. Why? because we like to take those things back after we give them to God. We like to go back to what is familiar and comfortable. So, when you catch yourself self-medicating after you have been hurt, pause and invite God in to help you deal with the real hurt you experienced. When you open your heart and pour it out to God He fills it back up with healing, comfort and peace.

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Anxiety

Did you know that about nineteen million Americans struggle with anxiety? Anxiety is the most common mental illness in the United States today. I work at NewPointe Community Church and have talked with many people that struggle with anxiety. Many struggle to the point that they can’t have healthy relationships, can’t keep steady employment and have multiple health problems.

Anxiety and worry go hand in hand. Worry is focused negative thinking, which can lead to anxiety which is the unpleasant sense of apprehension that comes with physical symptoms like sweaty palms, shallow breathing, rapid heart rate and general nervousness. Often worry and anxiety come from stress, it could be relational stress, financial stress, work stress, family stress. When a person is in constant stress their body produces way to much adrenaline and other chemicals that cause those physical symptoms. Over time anxiety gets worse and worse and our thinking begins to drive the anxiety.

For many people worry has simply become a mental habit. They automatically see events in their lives in terms of worse-case scenarios. Anxiety is often triggered by lies we believe and focus on in a negative way. The worrier will lie awake at night going through all kinds of what-if scenarios.

To overcome anxiety a person needs to deal with the root cause of the worry and anxiety. What lies are you believing about yourself, God and the world around you? The best way to identify lies we are believing is by reading truth. That is why I keep eleven truth statements in my desk drawer. I read through these on a regular basis and hand them out to people that are struggling with worry. These eleven statements come from the Bible. I often prescribe this to people by asking them to read these eleven truth statements out loud once a day for two weeks. What that does, is it brings your focus to something good and positive and true, even if it’s only a short period of time. If you can do that for 3-4 weeks it becomes a habit and can start to change the way we think.

To overcome anxiety you must develop new healthy habits for dealing with stress. Meditation is also focused thinking, but is focused on what is good. Meditating on Scripture is a great way to deal with stress. Prayer has also been proven to actually lower your blood pressure and reduce stress.

Philippians 4:6-7 says “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

In Mathew 6 Jesus teaches about freedom from anxiety. In verse 25 Jesus says, “Therefore I say unto you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on.” Again in verse 34 Jesus says, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things.” In other words, live in the present and don’t worry about the future which you can’t control or the past that you can’t change. Jesus is encouraging us to pray and give thanks instead of worrying. An attitude of gratitude and thanksgiving relaxes the body and calms the mind.

1 Peter 5:7 says “Give all your worries to him, because he cares about you.”

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Anger

Anger is an emotion that all of us have had to deal with. It may have been growing up in your home with an angry parent. Maybe you have had an angry boss or co-worker. Maybe it was a friend or a relative. It may have been you ex-wife or ex-husband. It also was you and me. Everyone experiences some degree of anger in our lives.

The more I talk to people the more I am seeing this as an emotion that is in most people just under the surface waiting for an opportunity to come out. Nothing is wrong with the emotion of anger per se. What is damaging is how we express anger – for example, in violent actions against another person that causes injury to property or the person.

The Bible has a number of passages that directly deal with anger. In Ephesians 4:26, 27 it says “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” What Paul is saying there is that we need to deal with our anger immediately in a way that builds relationships rather than destroys them. If we nurse our anger, we will give Satan an opportunity to divide us and destroy the relationship.

When we bottle up any emotion it does not die. Emotions that become trapped inside us seek a way to express themselves. That is because emotions like anger were created to be expressed and felt. When we refuse to feel those emotions and express them in healthy ways we risk physical illness, pain, emotional damage, relational damage and psychological problems.

When we bury emotions we are burying a living thing. It would be like pouring water into a bucket. The water is our negative emotions and at some point the water will overflow the bucket and get everything around it wet.

One way to temporarily control anger is to take a time out. When you become angry and are ready to respond in a way that may damage another person emotionally or physically, take a time out. Refocus and collect your thoughts, pray and ask God to help you in that moment not to sin. You can also take several slow deep breaths, which will diffuse your anger. Deep breathing promotes relaxation and reduces stress.

Are you angry with someone right now? What can you do to resolve your issue with that person? Don’t let the day end without starting the process of mending and working on that relationship. The best way to work on your anger is to practice forgiveness. Not just verbally, but through prayer with God involved. Most of the time God also wants us to go to that person and resolve the real issue. The emotional root of anger can be pulled up when you forgive from your heart and share your true feelings in a loving way. You also need to make sure you are dealing with the real issues and not just the stuff on the surface. You may need some help to dig down and figure that out, but it’s worth the digging and the dirt.

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Emotions & Health

According to the American Institute of Stress, between 75 and 90 percent of all visits to primary-care physicians result from stress-related disorders.

I’ve been reading a great book, Deadly Emotions by Don Colbert, M.D. Much of what he is talking about has to do with understanding how the mind, body and spirit all are connected. When you are not healthy emotionally or spiritually, it is almost impossible to be healthy physically. I have always believed that our thoughts, emotions, body and spirit are all connected and affect each other.

Here are some statements from early in the book:

“The mind and body are linked. How you feel emotionally can determine how you feel physically.”

“Certain emotions release hormones into the physical body that, in turn, can trigger the development of a host of diseases.”

“Researchers have directly and scientifically linked emotions to hypertension, cardiovascular disease, and disease related to the immune system. Studies have also highly correlated emotions with infections, allergies and autoimmune diseases.”

He compares how you get rid of dandelions or crabgrass. If you just mow over them or snap off the top, it may look good for a short period of time, but soon it is back and stronger. His point is you have to get the root if you want to get rid of the weed.

We often try to do what we can to get rid of the immediate symptom and don’t go after the root. We take medication and the problem comes back, we take another round of treatment and the problem comes back, over and over again, often with out much success. Many times we only mask the real problems, by treating the visible symptoms.

The author talks at length about stress and how it affects the body. “The body doesn’t know or care what caused the stress. All the body knows is that it is experiencing stress.” He defines stress as mental or physical tension, strain, or pressure. This often occurs when our perception of events don’t meet our expectations and we do not manage our reaction well. For example when your spouse does not meet your expectations you get stressed out. You might expect your spouse to pay the bills, do the laundry, fix the car or change the diapers. When that does not happen it can cause tension, strain or pressure in the relationship if you don’t manage your response.

According to Dr. Colbert, An emotion like fear, triggers more than fourteen hundred known physical and chemical stress reactions and activates more than thirty different hormones and neurotransmitters. If that happens a lot, your body gets slammed with these hormones and can get out of whack over time.

Some emotions are much more damaging than others. Several that he lists are rage, unforgiveness, depression, anger, worry, frustration, fear, grief, and guilt. These emotions when experienced over long periods of time will most likely cause physical illness or disease.

Did you know that just thinking about a previous deep emotional hurt can cause the body to respond as if those hurts are occurring in that very moment? The longer you dwell on those old hurts and wounds the more you condition your body to respond to the stress more quickly. After awhile one small thought about a person or past situation can trigger a high level of stress within seconds.

Maybe you are feeling highly stressed right now. Maybe you are experiencing some of these damaging emotions on a daily basis. If that is the case, you are heading for some serious health problems or are having severe health problems. You need to get help in getting healthy emotionally. Maybe its seeing a counselor or pastor. Maybe it is meeting with a mentor. Here are a few areas to focus on:

  • Identify irrational or distorted thinking and replace it with truth
  • Forgive – that is a big one for most people
  • Experience joy again through deep contentment (Laughing & Smiling are great medicine)
  • Peace is for everyone and brings healing – Slow down and learn to relax
  • Understand what it means to love – Love yourself and others. Read 1 Cor. 13:4-8

Emotional health is so important to our overall health. I hope you will take this seriously and make it a high priority this next year to work on your emotional health. I will continue to share insights from this book and others on this topic as I read and process the information.

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Why I’m Not Doing Yoga

I am going to be starting the P90X fitness program with some people that I work with in January. This is a very challenging, extreme fitness program for 90 days. I am very excited about starting and have already watched some of the work-outs, bought some of the gear and even did two of the work-outs as a test.

One of the work-outs is Yoga X, which is an extreme version of Yoga. Yoga has become an extremely popular exercise routine for lots of people in the USA. I had never done Yoga before, but I was aware of it and have often cautioned people about some of the dangers of Yoga from a Christian perspective.

So last Friday I did the P90X Yoga work-out. I wanted to see what it was like, and how hard it would be. It was an hour and a half and was a good work-out. I even posted about it on Twitter and Facebook. I was a little uneasy while doing the work-out because he said several times to empty your mind. The names of some of the positions were also a little strange to me. It seemed pretty harmless, yet I felt uneasy and uncomfortable with some parts of the work-out.

This weekend I spoke with a friend about this and was reminded about the origins of Yoga. So I did a little more research and after doing that I have decided to not do Yoga anymore. Instead our workout group will be doing a one hour stretching routine.

As a Christian leader I thought it was important for me to speak to this and explain why I am not doing Yoga. Yoga started in India and comes from the Hindu religion. The word Yoga comes from a word which means yoke or union. Traditionally, yoga is a method joining the individual self with the Divine, Universal Spirit. Physical and mental exercises are designed to achieve this goal, also called enlightenment.

You can Google yoga and read about it for yourself, click here to learn more. A good place to read about the Christian perspective is Got Questions.org. From everything I have read and studied about yoga, it reminds me of New Age Spiritualism. Many of these teachings sound good, healthy and helpful. But none of it points you to a closer personal relationship with Jesus. None of it points you to the Word of God for wisdom and discernment. It talks a lot about looking within yourself and emptying yourself to become united to God.

There are great ways to exercise, stretch and meditate without doing yoga. If you are practicing in yoga, I just want you to be aware of what you are doing. Be very careful about emptying your mind, and looking within or connecting, yoking or uniting with “God”. Many of the positions are acts of worship to gods or spirits. We can connect with God very simply through prayer. Because of Jesus we can go directly to God with everything through prayer. When we meditate we should meditate on God’s word. We should fill our minds with what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely and admirable – Philippians 4:8.

There are many people doing Christian versions of yoga. You need to decide for yourself what to do by praying about it, reading about it to educate yourself. For me, I have decided it is not what is best for my spiritual growth. If any of this offends you, it is not intended to offend. I am simply explaining why I made the decision to not do this and hope you will seek God on what is best for you as well.

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Fear

What’s holding you back from living life to the fullest? What fears are causing problems in your relationships? Emotional fear has a way of making us do wacky, irrational things. Emotional fear causes us to do and say things that hurt and confuse those around us. Fear is an emotion of dread or alarm caused by a perceived danger.

Our fears usually come from bad experiences in our lives, when we felt like we were in danger. Things from our childhood, high school, college, bad relationships and abuse whether physical or emotional. When something reminds us of those bad feelings we go into our fear mode. It could be a fear of being rejected again, or maybe a fear of failing or being let down. It could be a fear of being abandoned, controlled, being abused, not being heard or looking stupid. There are many fears that keep us from living life to the fullest.

Dr. Gary Smalley calls this the fear dance in our relationships. Our fear button is pushed, We sense danger, we want it to stop or go away, so we do or say something to make that person stop, which often times pushes their fear button and the process is repeated by the other person.

A very common scenario in many marriage relationships, is one person feels the fear of being rejected or abandoned. This fear causes them to try to control the other person, because they fear losing them. By trying to control the person, it taps that persons fear of being controlled or told what to do. That person pulls further away, because they do not want to be controlled. And around we go, pushing buttons, stuck in the fear dance.

To overcome your fears you must understand them and face them. When you understand what your fear is, you can begin to realize why you do some of the weird stuff you do. So the next time you get into a fight with someone close to you, stop and ask yourself; Why did that make me mad? What am I afraid will happen if I don’t push back? Why does that bother me so much?

The Bible says that Perfect loves drives out fear. Jesus is perfect love, so that is were your focus needs to be in overcoming fear. When you focus on God’s immeasurable love for you, and then allow Him to love others through you, His love will quiet your fears and give you confidence to stop the fear dance.

If you want to learn more about the fear dance and how to learn new relationship dance moves I recommend you read the book – The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley. He even has a quiz in the back of the book to identify your fears. Click here to download the Fear Dance Worksheet.