4 Ways To Growing Your Faith

This week I met with my older brother Brian for lunch.  We don’t get to spend much time together anymore so it was nice to meet with him and talk about what is going on in his life.  He is facing some big life-changing things like starting his own business, being an empty nester and getting involved in ministry at his church.

As we talked, I could see and hear how much God has been working in his life.  He has grown more in the last two months than he had for the last several years.  God really has gotten a hold of him and he is following God with all his heart.  As I heard him talk about how close he felt to God I got to thinking about how many people aren’t experiencing that kind of relationship with God.  Brian includes God in every decision and won’t make a move without hearing from God.  He works hard at what he knows he should be doing and waits on God for things he is unsure of.

So here are a few keys I learned from Brian to growing our faith:

  • Listen – Most people are busy and we run from one thing to the other.  We can fill our lives with all kinds of activities that distract us from listening to God.  Brian’s new journey started while on vacation away from the distractions of life.  Say no to some things so you can slow down and listen more and run less.  Maybe its time for a short retreat to listen to God.
  • Read – Even if your not much of a reader, this is a key to growing spiritually.  Most people don’t use much of the brain God gave them.  I know I don’t.  Reading the Bible and books about God, christian living, relationships and even leadership will stretch your mind and help you to grow.  Brian told me he has read more in the last two months than he had in the last 10 years.  He said his mind has been opened up and he is able to learn and grow like never before.  Make a goal of reading a book of the Bible and another book on faith within the next two months.  Reading feeds your mind and is one way to hear from God.
  • Pray – That may sound simple, yet many of us don’t take the time to pray.  When we do its a quick thought or running through a list of items we need help with.  What I am talking about is having a real conversation with God.  Pouring out your heart and opening yourself up to what God wants to do in you.  Start to pray out loud even when you are alone.  Brian has gone on prayer walks and spends time throughout the day in conversation with God.  Make it a practice to praise and thank God every day, confess anything that needs confessed, pray for people that God brings to your mind.  Also pray for God to fill you with the Holy Spirit and for wisdom, courage and strength to do His will.  You might even consider fasting and praying.  Maybe you should get on your knees or even bow down on your face and pray & listen.
  • Do – It is great to read, study, learn and pray, yet if you don’t do something you will not change.  Brian got involved in his church.  He volunteered for the prayer ministry and quickly began leading that ministry.  This helped him put into practice what God started in private.  He started praying for people and God started using him to impact peoples lives.  He did some things that made him uncomfortable and stretched him, and God used it to change him and the people around him.  When you listen, read and pray God directs you in what to do.  God will give you opportunities to influence other people, serve other people, encourage other people and even heal other people.

Lead On

Seven Communication Ideas

Communication is one of the most important skills a leader has. The ability to clearly communicate with the people around you is vital to the success of any business, marriage or relationship.

When it comes to any kind of leadership, it’s all about how you handle the relationships around you. Whether you are at home, work, school or out with friends, communication sets the tone. People want to be heard, understood and appreciated. If you can do that we’ll, you will be a great leader, spouse or friend.

Here are a few ideas on how to improve as a communicator. Do these these things consistently and your relationships will improve.

– understand your listeners frame of reference – this is important because everyone has a different filter. They have different experiences, personalities, hurts and hang-ups. So you need to think about how they might view what you are saying, not from your perspective but theirs.

– know the facts and the truth about the topic – focusing on the facts and truth can help take the emotion out of it. It also will help your listener understand the why behind your message.

– shed light on the issue – you need to clearly explain why this issue is important to your listener.

– get their full attention – you must know the best time to have the talk. Only address important issues when you have someone’s full attention. You might need to make a statement or ask a question that will get their attention. Never use negative tactics like sarcasm or yelling or swearing.

– use word pictures or stories – people remember pictures and stories much better than words. Try to use a story to bring clarity to what you are communicating and why you are feeling a certain way.

– focus on the real issues – it takes work to figure out the real issues that are driving someone’s behavior. Asking questions to try to understand the real issue is important, but you must listen without reacting or challenging them as they answer. Patiently ask clarify questions and even repeat back what they said.

– finally, be interactive – what I mean by that is don’t lecture someone, make it more of a conversation. When you listen before you speak, you send the message to the other person that you care about them. If things begin to escalate stop, take a deep breath and ask a clarifying question. If you cant do that, then you need a break until you or the other person are in a better place to talk.

Communication is something we do every day. If we don’t work at it and improve the way we communicate all of our relationships will suffer. If this is an area of struggle find someone to coach you, it will be well worth the effort.

A Key To Emotional Health

Self-awareness is one of the most important skills a person can have. It leads to emotional health and relational stability. One of the ways to develop this skill is by asking yourself questions to dig down into why you are feeling certain emotions or why you are doing certain behaviors. If you have never gone on a self-discovery retreat you might consider doing so. A great way to do that is to start writing down your thoughts to a series of questions.

One exercise I did years ago that helped me begin that journey was to write my own obituary. I wrote down what I would want my wife to say about me, my family, my friends and co-workers. I then started writing down character qualities that I wanted to be known for. That was a great beginning to a time of self-awareness for me.

Here are some other great questions to ask yourself and spend some time reflecting on and then writing down your answers:
What am I trusting God for today?
Who are the key relationships?
What are the joys in my key relationships right now? What are the stresses?
Why are these people important to me?
In what ways am I experiencing inner peace? How am I lacking?
What are my three most significant prayer requests?
Am I entertaining any fears at this moment? What are they?
Do I feel discontent in some way? Describe it
What has made me laugh recently?
Have I read or listened to something convicting or stimulating lately?
Is there someone I need to forgive? What’s holding me back?
Am I really accountable? To whom? For what?
Am I putting too many hours in away from those I love most?
How am I cultivating a good sense of humor?
What can I learn from this test or hardship I am enduring?
Have I affirmed someone lately? Has anyone affirmed me? How did it feel?
Am I in full control of the way I spend my leisure moments? If not, what’s out of control?
Are my priorities the best ones?
Overall, how has my attitude been this past week?
Is there anything I need to release to God so I might worry less?
Is there anyone I am consistently encouraging with no thought of return?
Am I spending time with the right friends? How do I know?
What decisions am I facing right now for which I need divine guidance?
What am I learning from Scripture passages I’ve been studying, or sermons I’ve been listening to?

These questions come from a book called Mentoring Leaders by Carson Pue. Asking yourself questions and then honestly answering them is vital to good health. Talking about this with some trusted friends is also a great way to grow and know yourself better. After my time of self-discovery I developed my personal mission statement that I have followed for the past 15 years. Growing myself and others in faith, character and leadership. What is your mission or purpose in life? Start the journey now.

How to Invest in People

I read a great article by Brandon Cox about how to invest in people. I also listened to Daniel Harkavy from Building Champions talk about Investing in People. They both had similar things to say. The bottom line is that if you are a leader, if you have influence with other people around you, then you should be investing in people. As a Christ follower we also need to be investing in people to show them the love of Jesus and introduce them to him.

Brandon Cox gave these 8 simple ways to invest in people:

*Schedule three to five informal meetings per week – coffee, lunch, etc. – with people into whom you want to invest.

*Take potential leaders on trips with you. I’ve heard great leaders talk about the mentoring power of never traveling alone. My Worship Pastor calls it “windshield time.”

*If you’re a Pastor, take a partner as you do pastoral care – hospital visits, etc. Just the time in the car on the way is a great opportunity.

*Buy and send books to leaders. I’ve received and given books that have shaped who I am.

*Check in with a phone call. Have a list of potential leaders into whom you’re pouring, and randomly call them once a month or so.

*Convene conversations. Gather leaders who aspire to be involved in the things you’ve spent your life doing and let them connect with each other.

*Listen. Pouring into leaders doesn’t mean doing all the talking. It often means lending an ear in a tough moment.

*Connect leaders to other leaders. It’s powerful when we say, “here’s a friend of mine you need to connect with.”

You can adapt these ideas to your situation, but to invest in people you must be pro-active. You have to take the initiative and put things on your calendar, make the phone call, write the note, schedule the trip, buy the book. You can invest in your children, your spouse, your friends at work or the neighbor next door by doing some of these things.

Lead On

The Game Changing Relational Skill

Empathy is critical to emotional health. This is the ability to discern emotions in others and then experience, within ourselves, the same emotion. This is much different than sympathy, which is the mental awareness of what another person is going through.

Developing the ability to empathize is important if you want to improve your relationships and get healthy emotionally. Why is it important to be healthy emotionally. Well, I believe that our emotions play a big part in our physical and spiritual health as well. Emotions live inside us and if painful emotions are living inside you they eventually come out in behavior, thoughts and attitude. Unresolved emotions can lead to physical illness and mental damage as well. It also affects your relationship with God.

Emotions should not control us, we should understand and control our emotions. We should not try to shut off our emotions or hide them, that is why empathy is so important. It helps us to connect with and understand other people much better.

To develop empathy we must learn to listen and observe words, sounds and body language. Jesus was amazingly empathetic. He was moved with compassion as he discerned the needs and pain of others. Read Mathew 9:36 and 20:34.

When we can empathize with someone three things will happen:

1. The other person will feel that someone cares for them and is willing to enter into their emotional world.
2. They feel like someone understands them.
3. They feel that it’s ok to be emotional and express emotions, in other words, my emotions are legitimate.

All emotions can be grouped into two categories: Potentially painful and potentially positive. The Bible teaches us how to attune or empathize to these two groups of emotions. In Romans 12:15 it says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.”

When someone is sad, we often think it is important to try to cheer them up. That is our natural response, but what is actually most helpful is to be sad with that person. Seems odd, but that is what empathy is. The people around us will feel blessed when we allow and encourage them to express their positive or painful emotions and we either rejoice or mourn with them.

This life skill of empathy is a game-changer for relating to other people. This skill allows you to connect with people in a way that helps them feel safe and valued. They will actually feel better after talking with you than before. It also helps you to better understand why people do what they do.

As a mentor and a pastor this skill has helped me to help other people. When people cannot process their emotions with someone they end up in a downward spiral that leads to destruction of relationships, and their physical well being. It often causes them to feel distant from God as well. To stay healthy emotionally a person must be able to process and express their emotions to God and other people.

As a leader, spouse, parent, boss, employee, sibling or friend, the ability to empathize will improve your relationships and deepen them as well. Learning this skill takes time, effort and patience. Paying attention to the details, asking the right questions and sometimes just being silent and feeling the emotion the other person is feeling. This can be hard work and frustrating at times, but in the long run empathy leads to better emotional health for you and those around you.

The Three Main Roles Of A Leader

 

 

 

Whether you are a leader in the business world, non-profit world or church world, if you are a follower of Jesus Christ you have three main roles.  These roles are each important, but you can’t be effective as a leader unless you are doing all three.

The three roles I am talking about are Shepherding, Equipping and Developing.  First lets look at shepherding.  This may not be a term you use much in the business world but it is a great description of a leader that cares for the people he is leading.  You see a shepherd is responsible for the flock of sheep entrusted to him.  He knows each sheep and makes sure they have what they need and pay attention when one gets hurt.  He leads them to where they need to go and develops a trusting relationship with the sheep.

So what does that look like in today’s world.  Here are some things a leader can do to shepherd his team:

  • Care – people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.
  • Guide – In this role you will need to guide people in the direction you want them to go. Sometimes a gentle nudge or sometimes a more direct push.  This can get messy as people are messy.  It’s knowing when to nudge and when to push.
  • Pay attention to immediate needs – If one of your team is having a personal crisis be sure to pay attention and listen to see how you can help them through it.  It can also be simply making sure your team members have what they need to get their work done.
  • Need-oriented – When you are in shepherding mode you are making sure that basic needs are being taken care of and that vital resources are made available.
  • Listen – Take time to get to know the people you lead.  Listen, ask questions about their family and show them you are concerned.
  • Listen some more – This is all about establishing trust with your team.  When you take the time to get to know them personally people start to trust you more
  • Be vulnerable – this takes courage as a leader, but your team needs to know you and what is going on in your life as well.  If you are real with them, they will be real with you.

Another important role of a leader is to equip the people on their team.  Here are some thoughts on equipping people:

  • Training – this is about making sure they are learning the skills needed to do the job.
  • Direct – In this role you will need to tell people what to do.  You will need to give them their objectives and maybe even help with the strategies on how to accomplish the objectives.
  • Task focused – to equip someone you need to assign some tasks to them to see how they handle it.  This is a great way to test them to see what their capacity is.
  • Skill-oriented – In this role the leader is focusing on skill sets that are needed to be effective in their area of work.
  • Coaching – this is when you are working on fundamentals and keep bringing them back to those basics that make a difference.  Explaining the why behind what we are doing.
  • Instruction – often the leader is in teaching mode or is making sure that someone on the team is teaching the others how to do something.
  • Demonstration – The leader needs to model what he wants done.
  • Experience – Here you need to allow people some room to grow, stretch and make mistakes.  Then evaluate those experiences with them to make sure they are learning from that experience.
  • Assessment – You need to debrief often with people so that they are clear on the objectives and expectations you have.  This should be done one-on-one and in teams.

The last role is that of development.  This is the hardest of the three roles because it takes the most time.  However, this is the most powerful role a leader has and brings the biggest results in the long run.

  • Training for personal growth – Here your time with them has a different focus, it’s more on their personal growth and having a plan for them in that area.
  • Influence – In this role you are more a presence and the people you lead will set their own objectives and strategies with your oversight.  They will take initiative on their own and you are more their cheerleader.
  • Personal Focus – You should have a plan for each team member based on where they are at in  their development.
  • Character-oriented – Here is where you dig a little deeper and talk about character qualities and work on developing stronger character and healthier relationships
  • Few – You usually can’t do this with everyone on your team.  This should be your high potentials.
  • Empowering – Here is when you can allow them to lead and get out of their way
  • Mentoring – Your role is more of a mentor, sharing your life experience with them and answering the questions they have.

These roles are all vital and you will have to play each role every day based on personal and work situations.  At times you will need to shepherd and care for even your most talented people.  It takes some time and practice to be able to switch gears based on the situation and the person, but the results will be worth it.

Top 10 Posts in 2012

These are the most viewed Posts from my Blog in 2012:

  1. Ten Characteristics Of A Healthy Marriage
  2. 4 Principles For Healing a Wounded Relationship
  3. Problem Solving Do’s & Don’ts
  4. What is Good Character?
  5. Six Questions About Spiritual Leaders
  6. 8 Characteristics of a Growing Christian
  7. 5 Mistakes Women Make in Marriage
  8. Don’t Recruit, Develop
  9. 5 Mistakes Men Make in  Marriage
  10. Forgiveness

Thanks for reading in 2012, keep checking back for more posts on Character, Faith and Leadership in 2013.

 

Secure Leaders Empower People

One of the keys to effective leadership is to empower the people that you lead. In a growing organization empowerment is a must, otherwise the leader becomes a bottleneck or a barrier within the organization. If the leader continues to block people instead build people, the people, especially the leaders will begin to leave. If you want to be a successful leader, you need to learn to empower people instead of trying to control people.  I love this quote from Theodore Roosevelt “the best executive is one who has the sense enough to pick good men to do what he wants done, and the self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.” Empowering people is hard work, it takes a lot of self-restraint to not get involved with things when people want to do things a little different than what you would do.

Leaders that empower are able to lift people up.  They work hard to add value to people and develop people and then empower them to do what they are asked to do.  This is a skill set that can take some time to develop, but if you can do this well you will grow your organization in a healthy way.  So how do you empower people?

  • Believe the best about your people – This can be the hardest part if you are naturally skeptical about people.  If you find it hard to believe the best about people you might need to deal with your own insecurities and past hurts in order to move forward as a leader.  Sure there have been people that have let you down and hurt you, but that does not mean that the next person will do that.  It all starts with trusting that the people you are leading have huge potential.
  • By believing in people you build their self-esteem – The greatest leaders draw out the best in the people they lead.  Many times the people you are leading don’t realize what they are capable of doing.  As the leader it is your responsibility to know the strengths and weaknesses of your team and place people where they can use their strengths on a regular basis.  Once they are in that right place you can empower them by giving them authority to make decisions without having to always check in with you.
  • Keep growing yourself – A leader that is not growing will not empower others. The more you grow the more you can give away. Personal growth helps you to become more secure as as a leader and allows you to be able to invest more in the people you lead. Leaders that are teachable and humble realize they don’t know it all and are willing to allow others to contribute to the team.
  • Endorse people in public – To empower people it is necessary for others to know that you are endorsing them and believe in them. Give them praise in public and let others know that they have authority. Bring to light their strengths and acknowledge their contribution to the team. When they make mistakes talk to them in private and coach them to learn and improve.
  • Invest in people – What I mean by that is you must do more than believe in someone in order to empower them. You need to take steps to help them become the leaders they have the potential to be. This requires your energy and time. Spend time pouring what you know into them and by learning about what makes them tick.  This can be done one-on-one and in groups. I often do book studies with people that have potential. I also meet with people one-on-one to get to know them and to let them get to know me. Another way I invest in people is by giving them tests.  I give them a project to work on and see how they do with it.  As I get to know the person I can quickly determine if they are in the right place on the team and how much I can trust them. The more potential someone has, the more time I give them, not micro-managing them, but listening, encouraging and coaching them.
  • Lastly, be clear – It is vital that the people you empower know the outcome you are looking for.  The method they use may be different that you would take, but the outcome is what you are concerned with. Establishing clear Key Results Areas or Objectives is vital to healthy empowerment. It means putting it in writing and then reviewing it with them along the way. If you take the time upfront to establish clear direction and objectives it empowers the person to focus on what is important.

So who do you need to empower?  Who do you need to believe the best about? What is your plan to grow yourself?  Do you have a plan to develop others? Who do you need to spend more time with? What can you give away? Are you clear about what you want to accomplish as an organization?

How Healthy Are You?

 

When we talk about health most of us think about our physical health.  That is an important thing and I try to take that seriously by eating healthy and exercising.  Emotional and spiritual health is something we don’t think about or talk about as much.  I believe that they are even more important than physical health because they contribute to physical health.  When we are unhealthy emotionally or spiritually it can actually contribute to physical problems because of the unhealthy beliefs and thinking that contribute to the emotional state we are in.  So how do we get a handle on how healthy we are emotionally.

One of the biggest indicators of emotional health is the level of trust a person has.  The dysfunction of mistrust hurts relationships, marriages, work environments, churches, families and even entire countries.  Mistrust and control often go hand in hand.  At its core control comes from not trusting others to make healthy and wise choices.  Mistrust is often present when there is not proper clarity and when boundaries are not defined.  When their is a lack of communication people begin to mistrust.  Here are some things that create a culture of mistrust, either at home or at work:

  1. Approaching people from the beginning with an attitude of mistrust. Many people have a built-in attitude of mistrust.  This attitude says, “I will not trust you until you prove that I can trust you.”  That is the reverse of what a healthy person would think.  This attitude often is the result of being hurt in the past and therefore guarding against that ever happening again.
  2. Believing something to be true when you don’t have all the facts.  In other words assuming things that turn out to be false or untrue.  This happens when you don’t ask questions and dig for the truth.  It also happens when you automatically think the worst instead of believe the best.
  3. Believing what someone says without hearing the other side of the story or knowing all the facts.
    Healthy people don’t draw conclusions without doing due diligence.

So how do you build trust?  How do you change a culture in a home, church or workplace that has mistrust?

  1. Choose to trust unless you are given a reason not to.
  2. Assume that motives are right even when you disagree.
  3. Be proactive in clarifying issues rather than assuming something to be true.

Finally here are some trust building principles that will help transform your relationships at home and at work.

  • Choose to Trust – Choose to trust people unless they give you a reason not to.  When trust is broken make the effort to let that person know how trust can be re-established.
  • Be up-front and candid – Tell people what you are thinking and don’t hope they pick up on your hints.  Tell people what your expectations are and be clear about what you are thinking and why.
  • Keep your Promises – Do what you say you will do and be honest when you know you can’t.
  • Act Consistently – Your life needs to match your words.  You need to be consistent in how you treat people, how you express love to people and how you handle conflict.
  • Listen Carefully – This will transform your relationships because it will help to cut down on misunderstandings.  To listen well you need to ask clarifying questions, repeat back what the person said, honestly consider peoples opinions and suggestions and even change your mind if they have a better idea.  Seek first to understand and then to be understood.
  • Caring for People – Be genuine and treat people the way you would want to be treated.  Care about them as a whole person not just for how they can help you.  No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.
  • Be Self-Disclosing -Be quick to admit your own weaknesses and when you have made a mistake.  Share your story with people in appropriate ways.  For people you are close with open up and share the good the bad and the ugly.  If you are hiding something, it eventually comes out in your behavior.
  • Empower people don’t control – Give people the freedom to do what they are responsible to do.  Allow them to make mistakes and coach when necessary.  In a marriage relationship this means allowing your spouse to have other friends and activities they enjoy.  Clarify your desires and vision for your marriage.  Speak their love language without expecting them to speak yours.  Don’t give in order to get.
  • Clarify, don’t Assume – Always believe the best instead of assuming the worst.  When he is late again, believe that he had a busy day and something unexpected came up instead of assuming he intentionally worked late to make you mad.

Healthy people trust, unhealthy people mistrust.  It is the same way spiritually.  Healthy people trust God completely and believe He will do what he says He will do.  I encourage you to get healthy, take a risk and start trusting more.

7 Ways Leaders Should Handle Criticism

If you have been in leadership for any length of time you know that you will always get criticized and that criticism always changes you as a leader, whether in a good way or a bad way.  Unhappy people tend to attack the point person.  We see this throughout the Bible, when Moses was leading his people through the desert they were constantly complaining and criticizing.  His own family criticized him, yet he persevered through it and grew as a leader.  Here are some guidelines we can learn from Moses and other leaders in the Bible on how to handle criticism:

  1. Maintain Your Humility – Humility is one of the most powerful traits of a great leader.  Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking about yourself less.  Humility allows you to look past the criticism and look for the nuggets of truth that can help you grow or make changes that truly help move you forward in your vision.  Humility helps a leader be less defensive.
  2. Face the Criticism Squarely – Great leader’s go directly to the person criticizing and listens to them.  This allows the leader to correct misunderstandings, redirect people that are off-base and cast vision for why we do what we do.  This is hard work, but necessary if you want to lead well.
  3. Be Specific About The Issues – Great leader’s are very clear.  Don’t dance around the topic of criticism, be specific.  Push the person criticizing to be specific and give examples.  Ask them what they think would be a better way or what other options might be available.  Also be willing to apologize if you were not clear in something you communicated.
  4. Understand the Difference Between Constructive and Destructive Criticism – Who benefits? Challenge the person if the criticism is destructive and meant to hurt instead of help.  If you are asking for feedback on a regular basis and seeking criticism it will often turn destructive criticism into constructive.  This takes intentional vision casting and expressing an openness to listen.  If people feel safe to tell you something they don’t like, they are more likely to come to you.  If you bite their head off when they criticize they won’t come to you, but will tell everyone else.
  5. Guard Your Own Attitude Toward the Critic – Don’t get defensive, but stay objective.  Your attitude will go a long way in determining the outcome.  If you go in with both guns blazing, attacking the critic, they will fire right back or shut down and then go tell everyone they know how you handled the situation.  Every encounter with a critic is an opportunity.
  6. Don’t See Only the Critic; See the Crowd – Is this an isolated piece of criticism or is it widespread.  If a lot of people have the same criticism the approach must be different than if only one person is complaining.  This takes work to know your followers and to get the feedback to know if this is a bigger issue.  As a leader it is vital that you are in touch with your followers.  They need to have clear open ways of communicating with you.  You need to be intentional about meeting with people one-on-one in order to hear their heart.
  7. Make Sure You Are Emotionally Healthy – This is huge for leaders.  If you are not healthy emotionally, criticism will eat you up.  All the hurts you have inside will leak out in unhealthy ways.  Your perspective will be off and your focus will be on yourself, not the bigger picture.  Emotional health will determine the level of your leadership.

I lead at a Multi-site church and I must say that criticism has helped me to grow as a leader.  I work hard at being open to push back and criticism.  I pay attention to comments that come in.  It takes courage for someone to make a critical comment and it deserves to be followed up with.  I recently had a new person to our church share something that was critical of something we did.  I sent her an email explaining our motive behind what we did.  I cast vision for who we are trying to reach as a church.  It helped her to better understand the why behind what we are doing.  I had opportunity later to talk with her and her husband on the phone and even pray with them.  I also have around 10 people that I often ask for criticism and feedback on what is not working, what is working, what is missing and what is confused.  These conversations help me to get a better understanding of what the perception of the people really is.  It also helps me to communicate more clearly and cast vision more effectively.

Lead On