Category: Leadership

Posted on

How to be a Good Listener

Relationships can be hard work. Especially the marriage relationship. I am reminded of that over and over in my own marriage and other important relationships. A big part of deepening your relationships is to listen and communicate well. I came across this short article by Dr. Gary Chapman that did a nice job of explaining how to be a good listener. Take the time to read this and then start applying it to your relationships.

How to Be a Good Listener by Dr. Gary Chapman

You’re probably familiar with the five love languages–quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts and physical touch. Did you know quality time has many dialects? One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversation. By quality conversation, I mean sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.

Have you ever wondered if you’re a good listener? How can you improve in this area? Here are eight steps to becoming a sympathetic listener.

1. Maintain eye contact when you are listening to someone. This keeps your mind from wandering and communicates that the person has your full attention. Refrain from rolling your eyes in disgust, closing your eyes when they give you a low blow, looking over their head, or staring at their shoes while they are talking.

2. Don’t engage in other activities while you are listening to another individual. Remember, quality time is giving someone your undivided attention.

3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself: “What are this person’s emotions right now?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, “It sounds like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot…” That gives the person a chance to clarify his/her feelings. It also communicates that you are listening intently to what they are saying.

4. Observe body language. Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movement may give you clues as to what the person is feeling. Sometimes body language speaks one message while words speak another. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what the person is really thinking and feeling.

5. Refuse to interrupt.

6. Ask reflective questions.

7. Express understanding. The person needs to know that he/she has been heard and understood.

8. Ask if there is anything you might do that would be helpful. Notice, you are asking, not telling the person what she ought to do. Never give advice until you are sure the other person wants it.

Posted on

Focus

One of the things I have to constantly be working on is focus. It is so easy to get distracted by urgent things, fun things, or things other people could do for you. Where I work the pace is fairly high. I find myself “busy” sometimes, instead of productive. When that starts happening, I have to re-focus myself. I need to step back and look at the big picture and start asking myself some questions. It can be that way not only in our work lives, but also our personal and spiritual lives as well. Here are some questions I found from Bob Biehl that have been helpful for me:

  1. What three changes in me would most please our Eternal God in His Holy Heaven?
  2. What can I do to make the most significant difference for God in my lifetime?
  3. Why am I on the earth?
  4. If I could accomplish only three measurable priorities (Problems to solve, Goals to reach, Opportunities to seize) before I die, what would I accomplish?
  5. If I could only accomplish three measurable priorities in the next ten years, that would make a 50% difference in my life-long contribution, what would I accomplish?
  6. What single word best captures the focus of my next year?
  7. What three land mines, or roadblocks need my immediate attention?
  8. If I had to cut my budget 20%, what would be the first three things to go?
  9. If I got a surprise gift of 20% of my budget, what three things would I do immediately?
  10. What three changes could improve the quality of my work by 50% in the next 12 months?

These are big forward thinking questions. They help to get us out of the here and now. It’s kind of like having your hand two inches in front of your face. All you can see is your hand. If you fully stretch out your arm you can see beyond your hand.

If you need to bring some focus to your work or to your life, start asking some of these questions. When you know what the most important things are in your life, you can then begin to focus on those areas.

I still must work on the small things, the urgent things, the boring things and the unimportant things. I still need to have fun and relax. But you actually have more time for those things when you do the important stuff first.

Posted on

Judgmental

I finished a good book this morning called UnChristian by David Kinnaman. The chapter that really jumped out at me was entitled judgemental.

The definition the author gives for judgemental is “To be judgemental is to point out something that is wrong in someone else’s life, making the person feel put down, excluded and marginalized. Some part of their potential to be Christ followers is snuffed out. Being judgemental is fueled by self-righteousness, the misguided inner motivation to make our own life look better by comparing it to the lives of others.”

He says that 87 percent of young outsiders think that judgemental, accurately describes present-day Christians. They believe we are more interested in proving we are right than that God is right. This perception of Christians has kept many people away from a relationship with Jesus Christ. That attitude pushes people away from God and His purpose for their lives.

It is very easy to be judgmental if we lose our passion for outsiders. Instead of looking at them with love and compassion we judge the way they act, talk, look and dress. The Bible makes it clear that God, not humans, should judge. He calls us to love people, accept people, build relationships and friendships with people.

So how do we avoid being judgemental. It starts by listening. Listen to understand, not be understood. We often judge because we don’t understand. Don’t label people or put them in a certain box, because of how they look, act or behave. Don’t pretend to have all the answers and to know it all. That is always a turn off.

Try to put yourself in their place, empathy helps you to love instead of judge. It also helps to be real and not pretend that you have it all together. To really care about people and be their friend, even if they don’t come to church or believe like you do. Friendship should be real and based on a genuine interest in the person.

This week I met with a young lady that was new to being a Christian. She had many questions, because she was not raised in a Christian home. As I answered some of her questions she shared some of her struggles with me. She thought that becoming a Christian meant she had to be perfect. She told me later in our conversation that she was watching how I would react to her struggles. She said she did not feel like I was judging her, which helped her to draw closer to God.

I have to remind myself often that it is not my job to change or judge people. That’s God’s job. It is my job to love them and to point them to the love of Jesus. He is the one that will bring change in their lives. I know that, because that what Jesus did in my life. He changed me over time into a new person. You see, the opposite of judgementalism is love.

So how do you perceive single parents, divorced people, gays and lesbians, people with tattoos, people that smoke, your neighbors, your pastor? Philip Yancey said “the opposite of sin is not virtue; it is grace”. Are you extending grace to people the way God extended grace to you? I hope this week we can all look at people through the eyes of Jesus, and love them like He does.

Posted on

Life Plan

Do you have a clear idea of what is most important to you in life and how you can achieve those things?

Do you know the disciplines, improvements and outcomes necessary to win in life?

If that is a little fuzzy for you then maybe you need to take a time out from life and develop a life plan. What is a life plan you ask? Why is that important?

A lot of leaders, myself included, spend most of their planning time setting goals. Most of us set goals, but very few experience real long-term success. When we reach a goal, we enjoy it for a moment and then are on to the next goal. By taking the approach of a life plan you begin to see that every decision you make will either increase or decrease your success in the important areas of your life. Every decision incurs a cost somewhere. More time at work can deplete your account at home.

Most successful people are running at a very high pace. Especially if you are doing something you are passionate about. We tend to think that we will run at this pace for a while and then later on I can slow down and get to the other areas of my life. That does not happen, it doesn’t get any slower tomorrow. We always find something else to keep us busy.

By developing a life plan, you become proactive instead of reactive. I am trying very hard to be more proactive in my life instead of just reacting to what happens. Psalm 90:12 says “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” We have a limited number of days. None of us knows how many days we have left.

To develop a life plan you need time to think and plan. To think through how you want to be remembered by those around you. What kind of a legacy are you leaving behind? What is your purpose or mission in life. How can you add value to each of the main accounts or relationships in your life.

There are some good tools out there to help you through this process. One that I am using is a book called “Becoming A Coaching Leader” by Daniel Harkavy. This book has been challenging me to grow as a leader. He has a great tool for developing a life plan. I am excited about working through this process. I challenge each of you to start this process as well. If you need help let me know and I will share what I have learned.

Posted on

Serving Saturday

This weekend Some friends helped me move a lady and her three little children. It was a little rough on our backs, but the reward of helping someone in need was great. I love being the church to our community in practical ways. After we got her moved into her new place, we prayed for her and her family. I also invited her the NewPointe and she said she would be there. Here are a few pictures of our experience. A big thanks to Erich for letting us use his trailer.


Posted on

Helping Hand

This afternoon I spent a few hours helping a single mom move. Three other guys from my small groups at NewPointe helped. It took four pickups and a trailer. We took most of the stuff to a storage unit. We had to be very creative in packing the unit from ground to roof. We got it all in there some how.

We have helped numerous people move over the past few years. I think it is around 8-10 families. This outreach ministry allows us to show people that we care and is an opportunity to encourage someone that is going through a very stressful time. Moving is always a stressful thing and we try to help relieve some of that stress. We also try to pray with the person and invite them to church, if they are not already attending one.

Serving together as a small group helps to build community and friendships. The guys that I call to help are always glad to pitch in when they can. We have had some really interesting and funny experiences as a result.

I want to encourage you to look for opportunities to help people in need. There are a lot of people struggling right now. Even if you are struggling yourself, you can still find ways of helping and serving other people.

The local church should be leading the way in encouraging and helping people. At NewPointe Community Church we encourage everyone that attends to make a difference by serving, not only at the your church, but in your community and around the world. Freely giving your time to help others is a tangible way of showing the world we are Christ followers. They get to see Jesus with skin on.

Posted on

What did you say?

Most people that I talk to would say they are above average as a driver, above average on sense of humor and above average on listening. I must say that I would say that about myself as well.

The fact is that most of people are not good listeners. I won’t get into the driving and sense of humor thing.

As a leader, listening is a vital characteristic for success. Unfortunately many leader’s are terrible listeners. They are often thinking about what to say next themselves, or how to respond back. I see this often in marriage relationships and in parenting as well. By the way, if you are married or a parent, you are definitely a leader. Spouses and parents that do a poor job of listening usually leads to conflict and damage to the relationships.

If you want to improve your leadership at home and at work, focus on improving your listening skills this week. Here are some conclusions about good listening:

  1. Understanding people comes before leading them
  2. You learn the most by listening
  3. Listening can keep problems from escalating
  4. Listening establishes trust
  5. Listening can improve all your relationships
  6. Listening to understand helps avoid misunderstandings
  7. Listening shows you care.

Try to be a focused listener the next time you are in a meeting or talking with someone you love.

  • Repeat back to the person speaking what you heard them say.
  • Maintain good eye contact.
  • Ask questions to help you understand and clarify what was said.
  • Take some notes of what is being said.
  • Pay attention to the non-verbals like tone of voice and facial expressions.
  • Seek out the thoughts, opinions, and feelings of others.
  • Listen 80% of the time and talk 20% of the time.

If you can do that on a consistent basis, you will see drastic improvements in your relationships and in your leadership.

Posted on

Leadership Gold

I recently listened to John Maxwell’s latest book called Leadership Gold. I was traveling, so I was able to listen to the entire book within a couple of days. John Maxwell has been a mentor of mine, even though I have not met him in person. I have read nearly all his books and I also subscribe to his monthly CD club called Maximum Impact. I have learn a lot about leadership and relationships from his teaching. John has such a great ability to communicate in a way that I can apply things to my life. He keeps it simple, direct and uses illustrations to make his point.

I have used much of his material in teaching others about leadership as well. In this latest book, he shares the things he has learned in his life. He said that he waited to write this until he turned 60. I could share a lot of things from the book, but one thing that has stuck with me over the past week is this:

Each of our lives is like a suitcase. We all have the same size suitcase, but the outside looks different. We all get a chance to pack our own suitcases. Some people can get more in their suitcases than others. The reason for that is they know what to pack and how to pack it.

What are you packing in your suitcase? Is it the right stuff? What are you having a hard time getting into your suitcase? What do you need to dump from your suitcase?

Posted on

My Biggest Challenge

Every week I have to fill out a report at work that summarizes what I did last week and what I am working on and focusing on. We call it the 5/15 report (5 minutes for my boss to read and 15 minutes for me to fill out).

One of the questions on that report is “what is your biggest challenge right now”? For me the biggest challenge has been and always will be me.

Leading myself is what determines how well I lead and help others. If you are really honest with yourself, this is true of all of us. We tend to be the biggest roadblock to our own success.

So, if this is the biggest challenge many of us face, how do you lead yourself? Here is my top 20 ways to lead yourself:

  • Spend time with God on a regular basis (prayer, reading the Bible, meditation)
  • Discover your strength and focus on developing those strengths – Understand your weaknesses and manage around them
  • Character is a big deal – It’s what you do when no one is looking that matters
  • Find systems that help you work and live smarter
  • Read
  • Ask Questions
  • Find mentors and organizations that you can learn from
  • Have someone holding you accountable – Give them permission to ask tough questions
  • Continually work at listening better
  • Don’t be afraid to fail or take risks, but learn from your failures
  • Surround yourself with good people that are strong in your areas of weakness
  • Be Humble – Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking less about yourself
  • Be willing to step out of your comfort zone – Do something that stretches and challenges you
  • Pay attention – To people, to culture, to circumstances, to body language etc.
  • The things you do today are preparing you for your defining moments of the future. Little things matter
  • Think about the big picture every day – Work on it not in it
  • Get help – It is OK to go to a counselor, pastor or doctor
  • Make sure you are healthy Emotionally & Physically – This takes discipline
  • Don’t forget to relax and have fun

I could list many other things, but this is a good start. The better you lead yourself, the better your relationships will be and the more valuable you become to the people around you.

Lead On!

Posted on

Divorce

I am passionate about reducing the divorce rate in Tuscarawas County. The rate of divorce in Tuscarawas County was 69% in 2006. That is up 5% from 2003. The rate for the state of Ohio is 55%.

What if I said we could cut that rate in half in the next 10 years. Would that get your attention?

There are proven ways to work at reducing the rate of divorce. The best approach is to pull the local churches, local government leader’s and other local leader’s together to form a strategy.

Part of the strategy would be to work at better preparing couples for marriage, offering marriage enrichment events and activities, mentoring and coaching troubled marriages, offering support groups for blended families and more.

If anyone is interested in being a part of a movement to lower the divorce rate, please contact me or comment. NewPointe Community Church is part of a program called Marriage Savers. Marriage Savers has done the research and put together a great program that is designed to bring a community together to make a lasting difference in families.

I am believing God is going to do something BIG in 2009. The local church can impact a community and change a community, if we work together.