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Nuggets from James

This morning I spent about a half hour reading through the book of James. What amazing truth and incredible wisdom. It was such a refreshing and challenging time that I thought I would share a few nuggets that really brought some renewed focus to my faith.

  • Compassionate Service – What a Christian does really matters – A good bit of James has to do with our actions.  How we treat other people, the way in which we listen and speak to other people, the way in which we serve other people.  The idea of compassionate service can only happen with a transformed heart.  On our own we tend to do the selfish thing, but when we are plugged into God and filled with His Spirit, we can love people unconditionally.  James reminds us that we are called to serve others.  The measuring stick of our commitment is not our lip service, but our life.  Here are a few principles James teaches us:
  • Selfish motives prevent a servant’s ministry
  • Following rules cannot save us, but following Jesus can
  • A lifestyle that costs nothing is worth nothing
  • A faith that is only in my head is dead
  • A worthless past is resolved by a present that works
  • Careful Speech – What a Christian says matters.  The way in which we speak and the words we use reflect what is inside of us.  The words we use have great power.  James calls it the tongue, and it can dispense both blessing and cursing.  Here are some things James shares with us on this idea of taming the tongue:
  • The tongue is a spiritual meter.  If we can bridle it, we can bridle the whole body.  It becomes the gauge for our maturity.  Our faith will never register higher than our words.
  • The tongue is like a horse’s bit, a ship’s rudder, or kindling wood.  It starts things in motion.  If we control it, we can guide our lives, just as a bit directs a horse and a rudder steers a ship.
  • The tongue is powerful.  Like a huge fire, it can ruin or bless our entire lives.  This power was meant to send us down the rigfht path, not to kill us.
  • The tongue can reveal what sort of wisdom we harbor inside.  A good tongue protects our integrity.  James asks:  Is yours a good guard or a bad one?  Does it create peace or reveal hypocrisy
  • Consistent Growth – How a Christian changes matters.  James calls us to be patient, just like a farmer who patiently waits for his harvest.  The farmer knows that if he picks the corn too early, he will miss out on some of the grain.  It’s the same way with us.  Spiritual growth is a process, not an event.  We grow daily, not in one day.  We are either growing or declining.  Our goal as followers of Christ should be to grow in our faith, in our character development and in our influence with others.  Here are some thoughts about growth:
  • Growth takes work and effort
  • Growth means you have to stretch out of your comfort zone
  • Growth means learning something new or developing a deeper understanding.
  • Growth takes focus, you can’t drift or get distracted.
  • Growth takes accountability, it accelerates when someone is watching.
  • Growth means learning from the past.
  • Growth takes action, practicing what you now know.
  • Growths means gratitude for past blessings from God.
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The God Factor

As I was reading in the book of Zechariah, I came across this passage that really jumped out at me.  It is in Chapter 4 verse 6:  “So he said to me. ‘This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty.

Zerubbabel had a huge job as a leader.  He was in charge of the group that was returning to Jerusalem to rebuild the city after it was destroyed by the Babylonians.  The task ahead of him was huge and looked nearly impossible.  The prophet Zechariah shared these words from God to him and they still apply to us today.  God’s word to him is everlasting and universally true:  Work hard and smart.  But if God doesn’t look favorably on your work, it will result in nothing significant.

God is reminding us that our success is not because of our own power and might, but because of His Spirit.  He will be the source of our victory.  We are partners with God in everything that we do. Great works are done by God’s divine hand.  The Lord works through people, so it is our responsibility to work hard and smart and seek God’s guidance and blessing.  We are responsible to manage our resources well and lead the people around us as best we can.  But prayer to God and dependance on Him is essential.  Great works are done by God’s Spirit, through us, to glorify Him.

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What’s You’re Vineyard?

I was speaking to a group of about 30 men Saturday night.  My talk was about Christian men and being a Real Servant.  One of the points I made was from Mathew 21:28-31.  This is the story of the two sons Jesus shared with some of the religious people of his day.  Here is the Message version of that story:

“Tell me what you think of this story:  A man had two sons.  He went up to the first and said, ‘Son, go out for the day and work in the vineyard.’  “The son answered, ‘I don’t want to.’  Later on he thought better of it and went.  “The father gave the same command to the second son.  He answered, ‘Sure, glad to.’  But he never went.  “Which of the two sons did what the father asked?”  They said, “The first.”

This is a simple story about talking and doing.  It’s about listening and being obedient.  The first son was honest and said he did not want to go work, but later felt conviction and changed his mind.  The second son was probably not being honest.  Maybe he just wanted to look better than his brother.  However he never followed through on his promise to go and do the work.

Our vineyard is whatever God is calling us to do.  No matter how good your intentions, if you don’t do it or go, it’s all wasted.  Just because I feel good when I hear or see a story of someone making a difference doesn’t make me a servant with compassion.  Just because my heart breaks for the starving homeless children and families in this world doesn’t make me a person with compassion.  I can think about giving more, going on a mission trip, leading a small group, praying more for the people in my life, shining brighter in my workplace, helping a friend that is hurting, but just thinking about it or even saying I want to do something is not enough.  I need to actually do it.  I need to make that step and go to the vineyard to do the work God is calling me to do.

We don’t have to go and do some huge, great thing for God.  We just need to go do our work in the vineyard.  There will always be more people willing to do great things for God than there are people willing to do little things.  But those little things can help God accomplish great things.  Instead of waiting to do something big, be faithful in the little everyday things He is calling you to do.  The small meaningless things you are doing everyday is preparing you for the plan God has for you.  Loving God means obeying God by doing what He says.

Which son are you?

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Summer Reading List

I love to read, and every year I try to plan out some of the books I want to read.  Of course there are always those books that others recommend or that I come across that interest me and I will add those during the year.  This past year I was a part of a group that read one book a month.  We would read it, write a one page summary of personal take-away’s.  I also was reading other books during that time and continued to read my Bible.  You might ask how I have time to read.  I have to make time for it.  I sometimes will actually schedule time to read, and I will often take an extended time to read on my days off.  Reading is one of the best ways that I know of to grow and learn.  I want to encourage you to read.  If you don’t like to read, start slowly and make it a goal to get through at least one book this year.  Then keep building on it.  It will help you to read with a group of people, maybe your small group, to keep you accountable.  So here is my summer reading list, I hope to get most of these books read over the next 3-4 months:

  • I Quit by Geri Scazzero – Our entire staff is reading this book over the summer and will be discussing it in August
  • Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone – by Mark Goulston – I have had this book for almost a year and am looking forward to learning how to listen better.
  • The Confession – by John Grisham – the only fiction book on my list
  • Out Live Your Life – by Max Lucado – Got a autographed copy from the author.
  • Change Your Brain, Change Your Body – by Daniel Amen – love reading about the brain, God created us to use it.

I also have a handful of books on my Kindle that I plan on reading as well.  Here are the ones I plan on trying to read:

  • Absolute Surrender – By Andrew Murray – This is the second book I am reading by Murray.  Old book, but great principles and helpful tool to grow spiritually.
  • Every Day for Every Man – Daily Devotional by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stocker
  • Leading at a Higher Level – by Ken Blanchard – Blanchard is an amazing leader and author.  I’ve learned a lot from him.
  • Helping People Win at Work – by Ken Blanchard
  • Fearless – by Max Lucado – Fear hold so many of us back from all God wants us to be.

I am sure there will be a few other books thrown in there as I come across things that will help me grow.  I want to encourage you to plan out what you will be reading this summer and get started.

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4 Principles for Healing Wounded Relationships

Healthy relationships are hard work.  In working with people as a pastor, I have found that one of the biggest contributors to emotional problems, financial problems, marriage problems, work problems and most any problem is broken damaged relationships.  A broken relationship will not heal automatically.  Healing a relationship requires care and investment, just like our physical bodies need care and investment in order to heal a wound.  When we take the time to treat a wound, it minimizes the potential of infection and prolonged pain.  Similarly an investment made to restore a relationship will yield dividends for you in the future.

Here are four principles that illustrate the importance of forgiveness in healing broken relationships:

  1. A Wound Must Be Cleaned – All the impurities need to be removed from the wound.  In a broken relationship all wrong-doing must be confessed and addressed.  Each person needs to put all the cards on the table and admit their part in the brokenness.  Hiding things and only confessing what is already known is like leaving the rust of a nail in the wound and only brushing off the surface.  Healing starts by making a full and complete confession if the fault is yours, and be willing to cancel the debt of the other person.  This should be done as quickly as possible, because infection can set in quickly.
  2. A Wound Must Be Rejoined – If the two sides of a cut are not stitched back together, scar tissue will fill in the gap.  Once scar tissue covers the wound it is no longer possible to rejoin the healthy flesh.  Scar tissue limits movement and can hinder the proper function of body parts.  When people separate and do not communicate, scar tissue begins to form.  It makes it much more difficult to function properly and to grow in a healthy way.  When two people come together and begin to dialog about the real issues, healing can begin and scar tissue is minimized.
  3. A Wound Must Be Nourished – When someone is injured the body sends extra blood flow to the injured area.  That blood flow is needed to provide the nutrients and vitamins necessary to promote healing.  Similarly, healing a broken relationship requires deliberate attention and investment.  A commitment to forgive is a commitment to invest.  Forgiveness is the nutrients our bodies need to heal.
  4. A Wound Must Be Protected – When a wound is healing it is sensitive and needs protection.  The deeper the wound the longer it takes to heal and the more sensitive it is.  In a relationship, just because an offense has been forgiven does not mean trust has been completely restored or that additional stress or pressure can be taken.  a healthy relationship needs to be nurtured delicately.  The wound needs to be cleaned out several times and new bandages applied along the way.

The human bodies ability to heal is an amazing thing.  God created us with this ability to heal when treated properly.  Our wounded emotions can also be healed if treated properly.  True forgiveness is one of the most powerful healing agents for damaged emotions that exists.  Forgiveness is a commitment to put the past behind, to leave it there, and to move on.

So what broken relationships need attention in your life?  What wounds need to be cleaned, rejoined, nourished and protected?  Ask God to help you commit to invest in the relationships that you have whether they are broken or not.  Healthy, vibrant relationships are so important for our overall health.  God made us for relationships and we need to do our part to invest in them and nurture them.

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First Impressions Matter

First impressions are important and last a long time.  Think about some of the people and organizations you have met or experienced for the first time lately.  In a very short period of time you are forming an impression of what that person is like or what that business is like.  Your favorite restaurant became your favorite because of a good first impression that caused you to want to go back.  Over time you developed a greater appreciation for the food and atmosphere and the people that work there.

It’s the same way at church.  When someone visits NewPointe Community Church for the first time, they are forming an opinion or impression of what the church is like.  If that impression is more favorable than unfavorable, they are more likely to come back.  If they come back, they will begin to form deeper connections with the people and the way in which we do church.  As people continue to come back they are exposed to the spiritual truth about Jesus Christ and will begin to grow in that relationship.

As a church we want to do everything we can to remove the distractions that could cause someone to not want to come back to church.  We realize that we are not for everyone, which is OK.  Our target is the person that has been away from church for a while or who has not been to church before.  Each person that calls NewPointe their home church can play an important role in creating an experience in which people feel loved, welcome and accepted.  Here are some practical ways in which we can create that environment:

  • Allow the best parking spaces for guests, and be courteous to others in the parking lot.
  • Sit near the front and move to the middle of the row to allow the end seats and back rows for guests and those arriving late.
  • Smile and acknowledge the people around you
  • Don’t contribute to congestion in the hallway or back of the auditorium by blocking the flow of people.
  • Pray before you come to church for all the new people that will be coming or for the people that are coming back.
  • Volunteer for one of our many teams, to serve those attending.
  • Help keep the building looking clean and neat by picking up litter and being watchful for ways to improve the appearance of the building.

First impressions really do matter, our goal is to be authentic, real people who are friendly, personable and approachable.  We want to bring glory to God through the way we treat people and the way in which we do church.  The local church really is the hope of the world, so let’s work together to make a great first impression and then serve and love each other well, so that the community around us will notice and be drawn to what we have to offer.

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Practicing Patience

I meet with and talk with a lot of people and one thing I don’t think I have ever heard is someone say they are really good at being patient.  Not many people list that as a strength, most often it’s listed as a weakness and something we would like to improve.  The meaning of the word patience is quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence.  It’s an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.  Calmness, stability, and persistent courage in trying circumstances.  Does that describe me?  How about you?

Have you heard or made this comment: “Be careful when you pray for patience, because you might be tested.”  It’s almost like we are afraid to ask for patience, because then we may be put into a position to have to actually be patient.  So why is it so hard for most people to be patient?  Why is this this virtue such a challenge to the majority of people.

Some of it stems from living in an instant gratification culture.  We have access to almost anything through our computers and phones, from emails to movie tickets.  I have seen people nearly go ballistic if they have to wait in line for more than a few minutes.  When looking to check-out at Walmart we work hard at finding the quickest line and when the line beside us goes faster, we get angry.  This mindset of getting things instantly has a dark side to it.  It affects our emotional intelligence and maturity.  The capacity to wait – trading a temporary delight for a more substantial success later- is a core component of emotional intelligence and maturity.

If we have a hard time waiting, we tend to act like children and throw a temper tantrum to get what we want.  Studies at Columbia University measured 4 year old’s ability to resist candy, then followed up more than a decade later.  Kids who could wait only a few seconds had SAT scores as teens that averaged 60 points lower than those of the kids who’d had the self-control to resist for 5 minutes or longer.  Good things come to those who wait.  This is often hard to see in the moment when we really want something.  However, going with those first impulses can get us into trouble and into debt.

The good news is that we can all change and everyone can improve in this area of patience.  Our brains can be rewired and transformed, so that we actually respond and behave in a different way.  This of course takes time and patience with lots of endurance.  Here are a few suggestions on how to practice and improve our patience:

  1. Create more space between impulse and action – When hit with that impulse that I must have this or I must buy that, wait for a few hours and see if you still feel that way.  Delaying that impulse often leads to better more sound decisions, health and relationships.  Maybe the impulse is to say something to your spouse to defend yourself or attack his behavior, hold those words in and wait.  Think through how those words could be received and how they could do more damage.  Maybe it’s a purchase of something beyond the budget.  The power to walk away will begin to rewire the brain and help change the finances.
  2. Plan on Waiting – If we plan ahead for when we have to wait, it can be a huge shift in perspective.  When waiting in traffic, use that time to breath deeply and pray.  The deep belly breathing is a proven stress reliever and prayer has a way of shifting our focus to the right things.  Also having reading material along is a great way to use the waiting time productively.  When you plan on waiting, those long waits can become little retreats.
  3. Plan Ahead – Allow more time, not less, to get to places; don’t leave important tasks to the last minute; resist doing one more thing before leaving the office or home, which causes us to be anxious, and often late, even before starting out.  The more we can plan ahead, the less impatient we will be when delayed.
  4. Practice saying No – Our lives are too busy because we take on too much.  Simplifying our lives can dramatically improve our patience.  Most of the things we are doing or involved in are good things, but too much is too much.  Start by listing out the most important things in your life.  What other things are distracting you from the most important?  When we are able to say no to some things we are able excel in others.
  5. Don’t try to change other people – The harder we try to change the other person the worse the relationship becomes.  Being patient with other people takes a shift from trying to figure out how to change them to trying to figure out how to love them.  Our patience level goes way up when we approach other people with a mindset to serve them and love them instead of change them.  That way when they don’t behave like we think they should it’s much easier to just keep serving and loving.  It’s not our job to fix other people or the world, it’s our job to work on ourselves.
  6. Understand why some things push your buttons – We all have hot buttons, those things that set us off and lead us into impatience and other emotions.  When we fully understand why certain things set us off, then we can learn new ways of responding when those buttons get pushed.  Our response after that button is pushed is what leads to conflict, anger, impatience and immaturity.  Our buttons are based on core fears we all have.  Things like fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being misunderstood or unheard, fear of being inadequate, judged or cheated.  Fears like that cause us to respond is some whacked out ways.
  7. Be Flexible – We get most impatient when our plans are messed up.  When our schedule does not work out or something or someone blocks our goal.  When those unexpected things come up, take it as a learning experience and an opportunity to grow.  Maybe that person was brought into your life in that moment to help you grow more mature.  When we are so rigid in our goals and schedule it causes us to be very impatient with anyone that gets in the way.  We live in a fallen broken world with fallen broken people.  Expect roadblocks and distractions, and be prepared to adjust the best laid plans as necessary.
  8. Include God – On our own we will fail miserably in becoming more patient.  Asking God to help us in this area is the best thing any of us can do.  The more we talk to God about patience and other areas we need help in the more He shapes and molds us.  When we plug into God, anything is possible.
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7 Things That Must Happen for Growth to Occur

Spiritual growth doesn’t just happen, any more than running a marathon “just happens.”  You don’t wake up one day and go run a marathon.  It takes months of training and preparation.  Growth results from hard work.  The harder you train and prepare the better you will do in the race.

As I have been training for the upcoming Cleveland Marathon in May, I have had to form new habits and be disciplined in working out.  I know that if I don’t train now, I will pay the price later. As I run and do cross training my body is strengthened and able to endure longer distances.  I also am able to recover much quicker from hard workouts.  I can run farther and faster now because of the work I have put in over the last 6 months.

In the Bible Paul compares maturing or growing a person to growing a plant (Col 2:6,7).  When you take seed, soil, sunshine, and water and put them together, you don’t get a plant overnight.  You need time.  Paul knew that our roots would not grow deep overnight.  Our lives are much that way.  Either we are growing slowly by taking steps forward or we are declining by taking steps backward.  Just like a plant can’t grow without the right conditions, we need to right conditions to grow and thrive.  Whether we want to grow spiritually, emotionally, relationally or physically, it takes certain things for that to happen.  Here are some reminders of what must happen for growth to occur:

  1. Labor – Someone has to work.  For growth to happen hard work need to take place.  That means having the right mindset of doing difficult things that may cause some pain initially, but that will lead to growth down the road.  That happens when I workout, my muscles get sore, but they also get stronger.  When I practice honesty, it can cause some initial pain, but it leads to stronger healthier relationships.  When I take time to read or write, it takes effort, but it also pays dividends.
  2. Stretching – We have to stretch for more.  When I get out of my comfort zone and push myself, I see much better results.  I can hit walls, in all areas of my life, but if I can stretch just a little more I grow to higher levels.  Once we stretch to a new place we now have expanded our capacity to grow.  Stretching relationally may be working through conflict instead of yelling or using the silent treatment.
  3. Learning – In order to grow we must learn.  Again, this takes a mindset of understanding that we do not know it all and can benefit from other people.  Having a teachable attitude allows us to grow much faster.  It’s like adding fertilizer to the soil.  People that grow are constantly reading and studying.  Not only books, but people and situations.
  4. Focus – We cannot drift or get distracted, or our growth will diminish.  The more we can focus, the better the results will be.  Distractions keep us from the important things that can bring about the best results.  I must remove distractions that keep me from training, and then while I am training, I need to focus on my form and technique.
  5. Accountability – Growth accelerates when someone watches.  Trying to grow on our own is very difficult.  Having a workout partner can keep me motivated.  Allowing someone to ask hard questions on a regular basis keeps me on track.  We should not try to go it alone, find some trustworthy, reliable people to help on the journey.
  6. Application – Growth really happens when we practice what we know.  If all I do is study about how to run a marathon, I will never run a marathon.  I have to actually go out and do what I have learned.  Growing spiritually, emotionally, and relationally is the same way.  If I want to improve my marriage I have to actually practice speaking my wife’s love language on a regular basis.  If I want to get closer to God I have to actually talk to him and read the Bible in order to connect with Him and understand Him.  If I want healthy relationships I have to practice forgiveness.
  7. Gratitude – This is all about having the right attitude.  Giving joyful thanks for the past blessings and growth.  A grateful heart is a humble heart and that is fertile soil for growth to happen.

So what area do you want to grow in?  If it’s your marriage, then think about what your next step needs to be in order to grow in that area of your life.  Think in next steps, what step do I need to take in order to be a better husband?  What step do I need to take in order to be a better father?  What step do I need to take in order to be a better leader?  It might be reading a book, it might be eliminating some distractions, it might be finding an accountability partner or two, it might be actually putting into practice some things you already know, it might be having a more grateful attitude.  As we take these small steps it leads to growth and change.  Again, this does not happen overnight, but over a lifetime.

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7 Lessons I’ve Learned Leading a Multi-site Church Campus.

Over the last two months I have had the privilege of leading one of our church campuses through a transition from a portable church at a Middle school to a new permanent site in a nearby city.  This has been a fun, exciting time and a real growth time for me personally.  Since taking this new role at NewPointe Community Church I have been learning some things and putting some things into practice that I have learned over the years about leadership.  This is what I have been learning and by no means do I think I know it all.  I love to learn from other leader’s and have followed many over my career.  These lessons are stretching me and shaping me into the leader God is calling me to be.

  1. Relationships are more important than Systems – Effective, well thought out systems are vital to an organizations health, but people are more important.  Every person that attends the campus I lead is important.  Each person matters to God and so they must matter to me.  When going through explosive growth it’s easy to miss the relational part of ministry.  That is when you must work hard to meet with people and listen to them.  I have learned so much by simple meeting with people and listening to them.  I know that I have not done as good of job as I could have in this area, so I plan on working harder to connect with more people over the next month.
  2. Communicate with your team often – Even when there is nothing new to report, it’s important to communicate with your team on a regular basis.  As a leader, I wake up every day thinking about what needs to happen to get where we are headed.  The volunteers I am leading have many other things to think about, like their own jobs and families.  The more I can communicate about what is going on, the better my relationship with the people I lead.  Open honest communication builds trust, it also motivates and encourages and allows people to ask clarifying questions.
  3. Trust that God is working in ways you do not see – In ministry, things don’t always line up like you would like them to be.  As a leader, I am responsible for my own actions and to make plans and develop strategy.  It is also my responsibility to be flexible and to include God in everything.  The deeper my trust in God the stronger my faith grows.  If we figure everything out on our own, we don’t need God to show up.  When you take on a big vision, only God can make it happen, we need to trust and obey.
  4. Trust the leaders around you – I must choose to trust and not to be suspicious of the leaders above me.  The more I choose to trust the more my heart remains in the right place.  When I start to fill in the blanks with my own ideas, I begin to head into a downward spiral.  When I believe the best about the people leading me, I can then lead with integrity and passion.  Trust builds a culture of emotional health and stability.
  5. Do more than rally the troops – You must do more than talk the talk, you need to walk the walk and make things happen.  That means doing what you say and equipping your volunteers to do what they are asked to do.  It means taking the time to develop people rather than just direct people.  When you build meaningful relationships with people they will follow you through the most difficult of times.  When you pay attention to the details and delegate to people that can get things done your influence goes up.  Don’t just try to pump people up, pour into them and love them.  The only way to do that is by allowing God to pour into you and to keep growing as a leader.
  6. You have to be real – People are looking for real leaders that admit their mistakes and take responsibility.  Be quick to admit mistakes and ask for forgiveness and extend the same to others.  Don’t put on the religious mask, where you try to make people think that everything is just perfect.  That is only possible if you are sure of your identity and comfortable with who you are.  I have learned that I need to be me and not someone I think people want.  The more I am the person God created me to be to more influence God give me.
  7. Be as clear as possible – Clarity is one of the most difficult things to do as a leader.  It is easy to dance around the issues and not give direct answers.  Sometimes there are things that I just cannot share with people, so I need to be honest about that and let them know that I will share details when I can.  To be clear as a leader means taking time to think about what you are going to say.  It means you can’t just shoot from the hip, but take time to aim before delivering the message.  Being clear is a way of honoring people and letting them know you care.

When things are changing all around me and the pace seems to be higher than what I can stand, it helps to step back and trust God and obey what he tells me.  When things are busy and hectic I need to make sure that I am praying and communicating with God.  I also need to be reading the Bible to build my intimacy with God and get wisdom and direction.  One thing that has helped me in this area and many others is having two guys I meet with weekly to ask me how I am doing in some of these areas.  Having accountability in my life has brought growth and freedom into my life.

Lead On!

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10 Tips for a Healthy Marriage

Nearly everyone that gets married, goes in wanting to be happy and stay married for the rest of their lives.  So what happens along the way to cause people to end up hating each other or frustrated to the point of divorce?  Why does verbal, physical and emotional abuse happen so often in marriages that started out with so much hope?

Most people that end up getting married, don’t put much work in on the front end.  They may date for a while and many people are now pretending to be married, thinking that is a good way to prepare for marriage.  Unfortunately the results have been dismal.  Couples that live together have a much greater chance of divorce than those that do not.  Couples that do not go through some pre-marital mentoring or counseling have a much higher chance of not making it.  So for people that are thinking about getting married, go get some help in preparing for this lifelong commitment.  Why wouldn’t you get some training for the biggest relationship commitment you will ever make.

For those that are already married and maybe did not put a lot of work in at the beginning, it’s not too late.  Marriages can be improved dramatically with some work and a different perspective.  Here are some tips or thoughts on how to build a happy marriage:

  1. Change your expectations to desires – Marriage is not so much about you, but about serving and loving your spouse well.  If you are looking at your husband or wife to meet all your needs and make you happy, you are heading toward failure and disappoint.  No human being can meet all our needs and make us happy.  Only God can do that.  Many times we put too high of expectations on our spouse and then are upset when they don’t live up to that.  Instead of expecting certain behavior, change your mindset to desiring certain behavior.  When you see it happen it is more meaningful.  That shift in thinking can change your marriage.
  2. Learn to love well – To love well, a person must understand what speaks love to their spouse.  If you do not understand what is meaningful and special to your spouse, you can be doing the wrong things and actually be hurting your marriage.  Gary Chapman wrote a book called the “Five Love Languages”.  He describes 5 ways of communicating love to another person.  Those languages are; Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Gifts and Quality Time.  Everyone has one or two of those that are more meaningful than others.  Find out what your spouses language is and what yours is and then sit down and talk about it with your spouse.
  3. Focus on growing yourself, not changing your spouse – The more you try to change your spouse the worse it usually gets.  The only thing you have control over is yourself.  When you focus on problems or the shortcomings of your spouse, you are no longer working on your own issues or growing closer to God.  Seek out a mentor or someone that can help you work on your own issues.
  4. Deepen your relationship with God – To have a happy marriage, it will take more than what you have on your own.  When you develop your relationship with God, He gives you strength, courage and wisdom you can’t get on your own.  When you grow spiritually, you grow relationally with others as well.
  5. Bring God into your Marriage – Spiritual intimacy in a marriage relationship is one of the biggest keys to happiness and contentment in marriage.  Making God central in your marriage builds a solid foundation.  Praying together, going to church together, going to small group together, reading the Bible & devotions together and having spiritual conversations together will build that intimacy.  If your spouse is not where you are at spiritually, don’t force this on them.  Instead pray silently for them regularly and demonstrate your faith by loving them well and serving them as best you can.
  6. Build Emotional Intimacy – This is all about being best friends.  Connecting with each other through meaningful conversations, doing fun things together and just hanging out.  This usually happens through the dating process, but often slows down after the marriage.  Start dating again and work at becoming friends again.
  7. Prioritize Physical Intimacy – This area of marriage often get neglected as life gets busy.  Children, work, family functions and children’s activities can keep married people from having enough physical intimacy.  Take time to plan for this if needed.  God designed sex for marriage for a reason.  It was meant to increase closeness and intimacy.  It is a way of serving each other and surrendering yourself to the other person.  Physical intimacy is much better when the emotional and spiritual intimacy are doing well.
  8. Always believe the best about your spouse – When you always think the best about your spouse instead of assuming the worse, you are more likely to be happily married.  Trust is essential in marriage.  Honesty and openness in marriage leads the way to trust.  Connecting emotionally, spiritually and physically helps to deepen trust and belief in your spouse.  When your first response is to believe the best instead of assume the worse, it leads to a better line of thinking.  Less suspicion and more trust.  When trust is broken though, boundaries need to be put into place in order to re-establish trust.
  9. Listen  – Most people are really poor listeners.  When it comes to marriage it can get even worse.  If you will simply work at becoming a better listener, your marriage will begin to improve.  Listening takes more than just paying attention.  It means to actually try to understand what is being said and being able to repeat it back.  It means you follow through on what is discussed.  In other words listening needs to be active, letting your spouse know you are truly interested and want to understand and then acting on what you hear.  First trying to understand before being understood leads to good listening.
  10. Think Team – Your on the same team not on opposite sides.  Team mates need to communicate well with each other and work together through whatever problems come your way.  Problem solving becomes a joint effort instead of one sided.  To function as a team you need to know your role and understand how you best contribute to the success of the marriage.  The approach should always be we not me.

These ten things are not the only things that help build a solid marriage, but they can get you started.  Marriage takes work to be successful.  A selfish person does not make a very good husband or wife.  Pride and arrogance leads to destruction.  So if your marriage is a mess or struggling along, humble yourself and get some help.  If your marriage is doing well and you have worked through some struggles, then you need to help others work on their marriages.