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Humility

Proverbs 18:12 says – Before his downfall a man’s heart is proud, but humility comes before honor.

Humility is something most people know is important yet few people really live it out. It is even more rare when you start looking at leaders. A while back I read the business book Good to Great by Jim Collins. The book was about good companies that became great companies according to certain criteria and sustained it for many years. It was a classic book that I have gone back to over and over again. Collins talks about leadership in that book and how the leaders of these great companies had some similarities. He called them level 5 leaders. The common theme in most of them was an unusual blend of Professional will (persistence) and personal humility.

That is a strange combination, yet it is vital to establish long, lasting, trustworthy leadership. The same could be said in relationships. A level 5 person in marriage for instance needs to be persistence yet humble. Persistent in working on themselves and the marriage and yet humble enough to love and serve the other person.

The Bible is filled with these type of leaders. People like Moses, David, Solomon, Nehemiah, Paul and the best example, Jesus.

One of the greatest coaches and leaders over the past 50 years was John Wooden, who just passed away at age 99. He was known for his humility, honesty and persistence. If you think about some of the most successful, respected leaders you know, many of them will have these two characteristics. I happen to work for one, Dwight Mason.

Here are some nuggets about humility:

  • A leader is no more important than his people, but his actions are.
  • No matter how much you achieve or how much acclaim you are given, you are still human and not a god.
  • Express sincere (not phony) appreciation for your followers. Where and who would you be without them?
  • Recognize the interdependence of yourself and all your followers; the head is useless without the arms and feet.
  • Honor the unique gifts of each member of your team.
  • As you rise higher, your mistakes have more impact and your need for a humble perspective actually increases.
  • Don’t hold people to standards you are not meeting yourself.
  • To humble oneself is risky, but it usually pays off in increased credibility.
  • A leader is “greater” than others insofar as she serves them.

Ken Blanchard said this at a conference I was at several years ago. “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking about yourself less.”

When you start to think more about the people around you and how you can serve them and make things better for them, you begin to be more humble. When you do the right thing because its right and not to get attention, you begin to be more humble. When you realize you are not in control and focus on developing your character and developing other people instead of trying to control them, you begin to be more humble. When you quickly admit your mistakes , ask for forgiveness and change your behavior, you are becoming more humble.

Therefore anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven – Jesus, Matthew 18:4

Lead and Serve!

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How Safe Are You?

Are your important relationships healthy? Here is a test you can take to see how healthy your marriage or other important relationships are doing. Be very honest in answering these and then score yourself.

How do you know if your key relationships feel safe with you?

Pick your most important relationship(s) and complete the follow sentence (fill in the blank with my spouse, my best friend, my children, my coworkers, my classmates, my teammates etc.)

___________________ probably feel(s)

Use this scale

5 Often, 3 Sometimes, 1 Never

  1. _____ I judge or criticize them.
  2. _____ I neglect to find them fascinating and I’m not curious to understand them when they are different from me.
  3. _____ I blame them for how I feel when they offend me or hurt my feelings.
  4. _____ I expect them to be my main source of joy and fulfillment.
  5. _____ I’m nervous when we are together because they seem to be afraid to open up and share their deepest feelings, suggestions and needs with me.
  6. _____ When I think out loud with them, I criticize them.
  7. _____ I neglect to be concerned about every area of their life.
  8. _____ I underestimate their value and where their priority is in my life.
  9. _____ They seem to be tense spending time with me.
  10. _____ I neglect to value their opinions, ideas, concerns, expectations, feelings and needs.
  11. _____ I neglect to value their physical, mental, emotional or spiritual uniqueness (gender, body type, personality).
  12. _____ I hesitate to trust their words and actions daily.
  13. _____ I like to dominate how they feel about themselves.
  14. _____ I neglect to praise them for what they do and say.
  15. _____ I neglect to repair relational damage quickly.
  16. _____ My anger is out of control with them.
  17. _____ I neglect to partner with them in finding win-win solutions to mutual problems or disagreements.
  18. _____ I resist the idea that we are on the same relational team.
  19. _____ I slack at working hard to have a loving and fulfilling relationship.
  20. _____ I have a hard time forgiving them when they offend me.

Scoring:
20-40 – Others feel safe with you. (The goal is to hit 20)
41-70 – You need improvement for others to feel safe with you.
71-100 – Others feel very unsafe with you.

Deep, satisfying and fulfilling friendships are more naturally developed when the relationship becomes safer each day. What can you do today to make your important relationships safe?

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Are You Creative?

Do you consider yourself to be creative? Some people do while others do not. I think it’s because we all have a different idea of what it means to be creative. I used to think being creative meant that you were artistic and could paint or draw or play music. As I have grown as a leader I am more convinced that some of the most creative people are the ones that do none of that.

People that are highly creative all have a bias toward action. They are constantly trying to come up with a better way of doing something. Improving systems, improving lives, improving communication, improving results. Creative people are like propellers, they keep things moving forward. Change is not the enemy, but something that is expected. Creative people are willing to take risks and they learn from failure.

Another thing that creative people do well, is they listen. If you don’t listen to other people and other ideas, you won’t get very far. By listening you can learn how to be relevant and how to connect with people. I happen to work at a church and we work hard at listening to what people are going through in their lives. The things we talk about are relevant because we are listening and willing to take risks by talking about things most churches avoid. We just finished a series on marriage called the Marriage Experts. We talked about things like sex, understanding men, understanding women, how to affair proof your marriage. We sold more Cd’s from this series than any series ever in our history.

I work with a team of very creative people at NewPointe Community Church. Our team is always looking for better ways to do the things we are doing. Creativity can only happen in an environment with a big vision. Ours is to change the world by helping people grow in their relationship with Jesus Christ.

Here is an example of something creative we are doing at NewPointe. It’s called Second Saturday Serve. The idea is that on the second Saturday of every month we mobilize a group of volunteers that go out into our communities and do projects. It can be simple things like cleaning up a park or trimming bushes for an elderly couple. It could be painting, weeding, cleaning out gutters, washing windows etc. The idea is to get people out in the community to serve. We focus on helping non-profit organizations and schools, but we also help individuals as we can. Our church has become known as the church that can help you.

That did not happen without some effort and creativity. We have closed the church on a Sunday in the past and sent everyone out to serve. We have sent teams to disaster areas to help clean up and rebuild. We have a program to help people with financial needs. We have a team of people that mentor others going through tough times. We have a team called Helping Hands that mobilizes skilled men and women to do home improvement projects. We have done over 50 projects over the past few years.

If NewPointe would cease to exist our community would notice. Can you say that about your organization or business. We have a long way to go and can get even better in a lot of ways. I am confident that we will do just that because we have a lot of creative thinkers on our team. If you want a challenge and want to grow then I encourage you to start getting creative and take some risks. Get involved with an organization that is making a difference and see how you can make a difference. If you want to get involved at NewPointe please contact me. You can connect with me on Facebook or Twitter.

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Are You Changing?

If anyone professes to be a Christian, there should be some evidence of that in their life. What I mean by that is when we accept Christ into our hearts, he is now living in us. We are not so much a new person as we have a new person living in us. Our old self will sometimes pop up in our thinking and behavior, but Christ is alive in us everyday. Because of what Jesus did on the cross we can have this new life right now.

Because of that work Christ did on the cross for us there should be some changes evident in us. Here is a sampling of some of the fruit that should be more evident in our lives:

  • We will live with personal integrity – We will always be ready to examine ourselves through God’s Word, looking for ways we can change to become more like Christ.
  • We will embrace the fact that we need other people in our lives to help us grow. Becoming more approachable, humble and open
  • We will be honest about our struggles and not pretend like we have it all together.
  • We can express Godly emotions in healthy ways (Anguish, pain, anxiety, jealousy, anger, happiness, gratitude)
  • We will create an environment of grace in all our relationships
  • We will forgive as we have been forgiven – extending a merciful attitude about failures and sins of others.
  • We will ask for forgiveness instead of responding in unhealthy ways like defensiveness, rationalization, blame shifting, and other types of self-justification and self-atonement.
  • We will try to give and serve in tangible ways
  • We will persevere even when we are tempted to run. Patience, endurance and strength are evident in our lives.
  • We will speak with honesty and candor in pursuing peace.

Basically we will be committed to responding to the circumstances and people in our lives in healthy Christ-like ways instead of our old ways. You see this most evident in our closest relationships with spouses and children. Are those relationships improving or getting worse. If they are not improving, maybe its time to take a closer look at yourself.

Our hearts, once controlled by sin, are now the dwelling place of Jesus Christ. We need to remember that we are not the same as we once were. We are a work in progress, being transformed form the inside out. We have potential for amazing change and growth because we have the power of Christ in us.

This past week I saw that in action as a man accepted Christ and has been free from alcohol for 2 weeks. He told me he has no desire or taste for it, which is different than the previous times he has tried to quit. Christ is now living in this man and he is being transformed. His desires are changing and his perspective is changing. We have the wisdom, strength and character of Christ available to us 24/7.

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The Most Creative Person in the World

Fast Company Magazine just named Lady Gaga the number 1 most creative person in business 2010. Most people would not think of Lady Gaga as a business person, but she has built an incredible brand and following over the past 5 years. She has found a way to connect with a wide range of people and has used Internet technology to blast herself and her brand all over the world.

According to Fast Company, five years ago Stefani Germanotta (Lady Gaga) was waitressing and singing in New York night clubs. But she had bigger goals and a bigger vision of what could be.

What I find amazing about Lady Gaga is how she is leveraging her rise to fame by building a business brand. She is using twitter, Facebook, YouTube and other medias to get the word out. She is partnering with other businesses to increase her reach and influence. How does someone become the most creative person in the world in just 5 years?

This article got me thinking about creativity and church. I think the church should be the most creative place in the world. The church should attract the most creative minds in the world. We have the most important message and brand on earth. The church should be the leader is finding creative ways to relate and connect with people.

I love being a part of what is happening at NewPointe Church. We have some very creative people that work hard every week to connect with and impact thousands of people. The way we use video, Internet, music, graphics, audio and other media to connect with people allows the church to gain influence in our community. We have fun and work on creating relevant environments where people of all ages can learn and grow and change.

I believe we can become even more creative and relevant. It starts with a big vision and we have that, “To lead people into a growing relationship with Jesus Christ.” That means all people, not just some people. From there you build teams of people that can focus on ways to reach children, students and adults and families with that message of life change. We are constantly challenging the status quo, looking for better ways of doing what we are doing.

This fall we have some exciting changes coming, I love that we are on the cutting edge of doing church.

I believe the church can learn from a person like Lady Gaga. Why do so many people follow her? How does she leverage social media? Video? Marketing? Design? No churches made the top 100 list of creative people in business. Probably because churches are not in the business category, but they did include colleges and government. Check out NewPointe this weekend and get your world rocked.

It’s going to be a very creative Sunday morning at the Dover, Millersburg and Louisville campuses. You can even watch online at 9am or 11am at newpointe.org

By the way the second person on the list was Eddy Cue, VP of Internet Services, Apple. Number three is Elizabeth Warren, Professor at Harvard Law. Number four is Shiro Nakamura, Chief Creative Officer at Nissan. Number five is Ryan Murphy creator, producer of Glee. Click here to check them all out.

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Choices Part 4 – The Big Eight

This is part 4 about Choices. The idea is that we get to choose what we think about and how we respond to everything that happens to us.

One of the greatest truth in life is this: It’s not what happens to us (our past, present or future circumstances) or what people do or say to us that determine our emotions. Our emotions, words and actions come from what we think about after things happen to us. We control all of our emotions, words and actions by what we think. Emotions, words and actions are data telling us what we have been thinking.

I have been sharing some of my favorite Scriptures that have helped me over the years to transform my mind and heart. Today I want to focus on Philippians 4:8-9. this verse gives us eight big things for our minds to dwell on.

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me, put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

Did you catch the 8 powerful, life changing words? I guess you could call them the Big Eight: true, noble/honorable, right, pure, lovely/beautiful, admirable/adorable, excellent and praiseworthy.

If we can get control over our thoughts and think about such things, it can lead to controlling our emotions, words, actions and we can avoid all kinds of pain and hurt in our relationships. It starts by making the choice to monitor what we are putting into our minds. There is so much available to us through technology that it becomes difficult to filter out the things that do not make that list.

Take a quick inventory of what you have been watching on TV or the Internet. What movies have you been watching? What books or magazines have you been reading? Who have you been listening to? What has captured your attention?

The things we feed our mind affect what we think about. No one controls how we think therefore, no one has the power to control how you feel, speak or act. When we get into unhealthy conflict with someone it almost always is because our thinking has been influenced by our emotions. Conflict is a good thing, because it helps us grow, but it is our unhealthy responses that lead to the destruction of the relationship. Fear is usually the culprit. I will be leading a Marriage workshop in a couple of weeks called Refocus Your Marriage. We will be looking at this idea of fear influencing how we handle conflict. If you are married, I would encourage you to sign up for the work shop at NewPointe.

If we can make the Big Eight a part of our thought process it will spur on the transformation of our minds. Using those eight words as a filter for what we allow into our minds and what gets our attention will bring new levels of peace, love, joy, kindness, gentleness, patience, faithfulness and self-control.


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Spirit, Emotions, Behavior

Proverbs 16:32 says “He that rules his spirit is greater than he that takes a city.” What he means by ruling our spirit is managing or controlling our emotions and therefore our behavior. We are all spiritual beings first and foremost. Our spirit is our inner being, who we really are. This Scripture suggests that it is possible to rule our spirit and not let our emotions rule us.

Everything that we see, hear, smell, touch or taste goes into our mind and is processed for a response or reaction. Our spirit then determines what we will do, this impacts our emotions or soul and then our behavior which is our body.

When we can manage our spirit and discipline ourselves, we can respond to situations in ways that do not hurt those around us. We all have emotions, and we get upset about things that happen to us or others. Just because something is done or said to us that is upsetting, does not mean we have to respond with negative emotions. That is a decision of our spirit, once our mind has given it’s analysis.

When we allow our emotions to run wild they end up controlling us. It leads to all kinds of problems, both physical and emotional. Jesus talked about responses that are not normal, like turn the other cheek and to treat people like you would want to be treated.

Our emotions are like energy or fuel for our spirit. We need them to keep going and to protect ourselves. But like gasoline, they can be explosive and cause damage when not used properly.

So a big key to ruling our spirit is to understand this process of our thoughts affecting our emotions and then our behavior. Our spirit is the decision maker that drives all of this. Ask God for help in ruling your spirit and see how He transforms the real you.

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Choices Part 3

I have been writing about how our thoughts affect our emotions and then our behavior. To bring about lasting long-term change in our lives we need to transform our minds. I started sharing some Scriptures that have helped me to transform my thinking. The first two are Ephesians 3:16-20 and 2 Corinthians 10:3-5.

Today I want to share a powerful truth that has transformed my life. I first heard this truth on a business tape someone gave me. It wasn’t until later that I realized this comes from God’s word. Here it is: You become what you think!

Proverbs 23:7 says “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” and in Galatians 6:7 it says “A man reaps what he sows.”

Whatever thoughts we sow into our mind, we will reap the consequences. We become what we think. Everything about us is the result of what we have been thinking about. Daydreaming is thinking, planning is thinking, doubt is thinking, reacting to circumstances is thinking, imagining is thinking, guilt is thinking, jealousy is thinking and on and on.

Years of self talk or thinking have shaped us into the person we are today. Our personality, the way we see ourselves, other people and God is shaped by what we think about. If we have been thinking things like “bad things are always happening to me, I just can’t do anything right, I am not good at anything, everyone takes advantage of me” that shapes the person we are today. Any continual practice of negative thinking will bring on negative emotions, actions and words.

This truth became real for me when God was calling me to full-time ministry. I felt God was asking me to step out into ministry, but I was very confused and unsure of the future. I had a great job with a solid company. While I was their I kept thinking and acting like I was already in full-time ministry at this company. I remember telling myself over and over again that I am a pastor that happens to be working at this company. That impacted the way I treated my fellow employees and clients. The way I viewed my role in the company and the way I responded to circumstances was shaped by my thoughts.

After about two years of that line of thinking, I actually was given the opportunity to go on staff at my local church. I remember telling God that I was willing to stay where I was at as long as he wanted me there. I was not in control of anything except my thinking. When I left no one in the company was surprised, they knew that was a great fit for me and celebrated with me when I left.

The same thing can happen when we think in a negative way. When something bad happens to us, we are in control of what we think about this bad thing. Those thoughts determine your future emotions, words and actions. The range of emotions from joy to sadness come from our thoughts. When you think a certain way long enough it becomes a belief and when we believe something long enough we become what we believe.

If we are thinking the worst about our spouse, we tend to treat them in a negative way. It causes our emotions to be negative toward him or her and therefore our actions and words follow. That brings about a slow death to the relationship.

That is why it is so critical to think about what is true. When we feed our mind truth and we focus our thinking on the things of God it shapes who we are and how we respond to everything.

So what are you thinking about? What gets most of your attention? What do you think about yourself? Where do you see yourself next year? What do you think about God? What do you think about your spouse? Your boss? Your parents? Your job? Your church?

Who are you becoming? What you are sowing today, will eventually become a reality. The more we seek God the more we start to think like He thinks and the more we transform who we are.

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Ten Characteristics of a Healthy Marriage

As a relationship & life coach I work with couples and individuals daily. In my observations and studies there are certain characteristics of what a healthy relationship looks like. These are some of the important ones I have found in most healthy relationships.

Ten Characteristics of a Healthy Marriage:

  1. Commitment – They have a long-term perspective toward their relationship; tend to persevere when trouble comes up. View marriage as a covenant not a contract. Each one takes personal responsibility for their part in the relationship.
  2. Satisfaction – Both individuals are happy and satisfied with their relationship. This doesn’t mean there are no problems or challenges, or even periods of unhappiness. They work hard at meeting the other persons needs and speak their love language often.
  3. Communication – The way couples communicate is one of the most powerful indicators of marriage health. Being intentional about exchanging information and how they are feeling. Open and honest in their communication. Asking questions to clarify what was meant. Seeking to understand the other person and avoid misunderstandings. The words they use in communicating can bring life or death to a relationship.
  4. Effective Conflict Resolution – Ability to resolve conflict in healthy ways. Healthy couples are good at getting down to the real issues and facing them together. They view themselves as a team working together, not as the opposition. The ability to deal with conflict without criticism, contempt, or defensiveness.
  5. Lack of violence or abuse – Conflict is normal in healthy marriages, but abuse is not. Whether verbal, emotional or physical, abuse is destructive and unhealthy.
  6. Fidelity or Faithfulness – Spouses are sexually faithful to each other; keeping intimate physical and emotional relationships within the bonds of marriage. Even emotional connections to the opposite sex is considered being unfaithful & unhealthy.
  7. Intimacy & Emotional support – They are physically & emotionally intimate with each other. That means being sexually active with each other and connecting on a deeper emotional level through sharing every part of their life with each other. They feel safe with each other.
  8. Friendship – They are spending time together on a regular basis. They are intentional about doing things together and paying attention to each other. They respect each other and enjoy each others company. They like being together.
  9. Commitment to children – Not all married couples have children, or have children living with them anymore. But if children are a part of the family, the couple is committed to developing and parenting the children as a team. They regularly communicate with each other about the children and their development. They are in agreement on discipline and on helping older children. The children are not the top priority, the spouse is.
  10. Spiritual Intimacy – They share their spiritual beliefs with each other. Praying together and as a family and bringing God into the home. Healthy couples are active in church attendance, serving together and in community with other people. Couples that have Spiritual Intimacy together rarely get divorced (Less than 5%). Each one is working on their individual relationship with God on a regular basis.

There are more characteristics, but if these are missing in a marriage relationship, that marriage will struggle.

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Choices Part Two

In my last post I talked about how we think impacts our emotions and our behavior. We all have the ability to control our thoughts and therefore manage our emotions. Today I want to talk about how to impact our thinking and transform our minds, so that we can control those negative destructive thoughts that hurt our relationships.

Much of this I learned from studying the writings of Gary Smalley and the Scriptures. I will be sharing Six Scriptures over the course of this week that we can focus on and transform the way we think. I will talk about two today:

  1. Ephesians 3:16-20 – “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

We have the capacity of having unlimited power, love, fulfillment and life when Christ’s Holy Spirit lives inside us. Notice how the Paul the author mentions both power and love three times. Christ’s power within us is evidenced by our love toward others, our ability to live His will for us, our sense of peace and fulfillment on a daily basis and our overall Christ-like character.

With God’s power in us we can do amazing things. We can take control of our thoughts and include God in everything we are trying to do. Whether I am thinking about about talking with my spouse or friend, working on an important project, exercising for 30 minutes, or reading a blog, I’m continually aware of this unlimited power within me. Jesus told us that we would be able to do greater things than He did, can you imagine that? Think for a moment about the incredible power that is available to us every day at every moment. All we need to do is plug into the power source. That power can help us love and serve the way God wants us to.

2. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

Because of the great power within us, we can take every one of our thoughts (beliefs, dreams, ideas) captive to the obedience of Christ. That means we can think like Jesus would think, and therefore do what Jesus did. Since all of our emotions, words and actions start in our heart and mind, we can wake up every day with the assurance that we have the power to control how we feel, what we say and how we act all day long. With God’s weapons we can demolish the things that keep us in bondage and hold us back from a fulfilling life.

No one is a victim. If I am on the beach and I notice a beautiful woman with a great shape, I can think that God did a great job in designing her, but if my mind starts to go in a lustful direction, I have the power to say to my mind, NO! That thought does not line up with God’s word. I can tell myself, “Sorry thoughts, I will not allow lustful thinking about this person.” God’s word tells us in Philippians 4:8 “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”

Those lustful thoughts do not fit any of those words. So if our thoughts don’t fit with any of those words, we should not allow those thoughts to continue. Any thoughts that lead to the death or destruction of a relationship is not from God. Thoughts that lead me to commit sin or to do something selfish are not from God either. It may sound impossible, but with the supernatural power of Christ it is possible. On our own we will struggle and fail, but everything is possible with Christ who strengthens us. We need to take small steps in that direction and with each victory our thinking will be transformed. We have the power to control our thoughts.