Personal Growth – Page 7

December 5, 2013

How to Communicate with Difficult People

We all have people in our lives that are hard to get along with. It may be someone you work with, live beside or even live with. While we cannot change the other person or force them to treat you differently, you can change the way that you respond to them. You see, many times it’s the way we respond to bad behavior that drives even more bad behavior. This is hard to do because we all have emotions and sometimes those emotions can take over and take us down a path that causes more damage.

When we work on ourselves, we can change our attitude, our words and our non-verbal communication. Here is a simple communication rule that may help you make progress in those difficult relationships:

People who are hard to get along with allow their anger, frustration, insecurity and disappointment to drown out most everything good around them. The good news is that they don’t act that way all the time, even though it may seem that way. Eventually they’ll leave the safety of their negative emotions-even it’s only for a moment. They’ll do or say something nice, show concern, or offer to help with something. It is in those moments that you need to recognize their best. Let them know the good you see in them. Show them how much you care and how much they mean to you. When you look for and focus on the good in people, you help them to see what is possible in their lives. You give energy to what is right about them. Your love and attention creates an environment where they can choose to change and respond differently themselves.

It’s in those critical moments when they do something right that we can choose to be positive and re-enforce good behavior or be negative ourselves and destroy any glimmer of hope. Every person has some good in them, even though it may be buried deep inside them.

November 27, 2013March 30, 2023

The One Thing That Will Improve All Your Relationships

Relationships can be messy, difficult and yet incredibly rewarding.

There are many things that go into a healthy, vibrant relationship like marriage. But I believe there is one vital ingredient to a long-lasting, healthy relationship: Patience.

In Galatians 5:22 – as part of the fruit of the Spirit we find patience: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law”.

Then in 1 Corinthians 13:4 – “Love is patient…” The author Paul is talking about the true meaning of loving someone well and he starts with patience. In Galatians he is talking about evidence in our lives that we are growing spiritually, and right in the middle is patience.

So let’s take a closer look at patience:

Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble or suffering, without getting angry or upset.

Wow, that is impossible, but incredibly powerful. Imagine if you could do that on a consistent basis. Your life would be less stressful, you would be healthier and your influence with other people would go up. So how do you do that?

Remind yourself that things take time. People who are impatient are people who insist on getting things done now and don’t like to waste time. However, some things just can’t be rushed. You have very little control over much in life. You can choose to be patient though.

Think about your happiest memories. Chances are, they were instances when your patience paid off, like when you worked steadily toward a goal that wasn’t immediately gratifying, or took a little extra time to spend leisurely with a loved one. Would you have those memories if you had been impatient? Probably not. Good things may not always come to those who wait, but most good things that do come don’t happen right away.
Remember what matters. Not focusing on what matters most in this life fuels impatience. Being kind, generous in forgiveness of others, being grateful for what is, and taking full advantage of what matters most helps you to be more patient. In other words don’t sweat the small stuff.

Work on having a positive outlook in life – Being positive is imperative to possessing a sense of patience. Believing the best about a person helps you be more patient and loving. Remember that relationships are not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way. If your naturally negative it will take more work to be patient, but it can change your life.

Expect the unexpected. Yes, you have plans, but things don’t always work out as planned. Accept the twist and turns in life gracefully. Keep your expectations realistic. This applies not only to circumstances, but also the behavior of those around you.

Stop holding yourself and the world around you to unattainable standards. Sure, we’d all be more patient if he would always listen, she would stop complaining, traffic flowed smoothly, and people didn’t make stupid decisions – but that’s never going to happen. Expecting the world to run smoothly is like beating your head against the wall. Give yourself and others a break!

The Benefits of Developing Patience

Reduces stress levels and makes you a happier, healthier person. When you learn and practice patience you don’t get as stressed or overwhelmed. You are more in control of your emotions and in a better position to deal with difficult situations with ease and poise.

Results in better decision-making When you’re patient you take the time to assess the situation, see the big picture, and weigh any pros and cons. The chances of making a big mistake lessen because you avoid making it in haste. Taking the time to problem solve and work out our conflicts requires patience and deliberation.

Helps develop understanding, empathy and compassion. You are automatically more understanding and compassionate with others when you yourself are patient. Patient people take the time to process what they go through and are able to determine what it takes to overcome obstacles so they are more understanding of others. This results in better, more fulfilling relationships with spouses, friends, children and bosses.

Helps you understand and appreciate the process of growth. As mentioned earlier anything worthwhile takes time and effort to achieve. Planning, growth, evaluation and measurement all take time, and taking time takes patience. Just like a gardener has to be patient for things in the garden to grow, so we need to be patient with the people around us.

Tips on How to Develop Patience

Take a day where you make patience your goal for the entire day. Make a concerted effort to take your time and think about everything you do, be mindful and live in the moment. At the end of the day, observe all the ways in which you’ve made smarter decisions, got along better with others and actually understood what took place. Learn to do it on a daily basis. Developing patience is much like physical exercise because it requires persistence and effort.
Slow down. If you have the tendency to rush around and try to hurry things up, want things done immediately and can’t wait for things to take their natural course, STOP. Take several deep breaths before you act or make a move. For example, if you’re in a long lineup at the grocery store or in heavy traffic, make the decision to pause and not get worked up. Talk to God, listen to the radio, or just enjoy the view. Getting impatient won’t make things move along any faster, so why get worked up for nothing?
Practice delaying gratification. Instead of escaping to your familiar thing like watching TV, working out, reading, shopping, drinking or eating, work on the real issues and resolve conflict first.
Practice thinking before you speak. At times we blurt out the first thought that comes into our heads without considering the consequences. If we’re patient, pause and go over what we want to say, we can avoid hurting or offending others.

None of this is possible on a consistent basis without including God. On our own we will fall short every time, yet we can plug into the power of God. So in those moments when you do not want to be patient, a quick prayer asking for help can change everything.

One last thing, when someone is mistreating you or abusing you, patience should only apply with how you respond. Not responding in a way that fuels the fire. You should never simply take abuse. Setting boundaries and consequences is important in those situations. If your in an abusive relationship go get help and set clear boundaries.

October 31, 2013July 15, 2017

Are You A Servant Leader?

Leadership is one of those things that people have a lot of opinions about. There are a lot of books, articles, podcasts and teaching about leadership. Yet this idea of servant leadership is still difficult for many people in our culture to grasp. It does not come naturally to most leaders and cannot be implemented simply by studying the ideas. Most leaders really grasp these concepts of leadership when they have a belief and personal relationship with the ultimate leader of all time Jesus Christ. Serving others as a leader is no simple, easy task; yet this style of leadership builds great organizations, teams and families.

In 1977 Robert Greenleaf coined this term and wrote a lot about it. Since then many others have addressed this radically different style of leadership. Larry C. Spears wrote about ten characteristics of a servant leader and John Barbuto Jr and David Wheeler added one more characteristic in their article entitled Becoming A Servant Leader: Do You Have What It Takes? These characteristics describe servant leadership and are a great lesson for all leaders to look to if we want to improve our influence and effectiveness.

So here they are:

· Having a Calling

· Listening

· Empathy

· Healing

· Awareness

· Persuasion

· Conceptualization

· Foresight

· Stewardship

· Growth

· Building Community

Calling – Do people believe that you are willing to sacrifice self- interest for the good of the group? Servant leaders have a natural desire to serve others. This notion of having a calling to serve is deeply rooted and value-based. Servant leaders have a desire to make a difference for other people and will pursue opportunities to impact others’ lives — never for their own gain. A servant leader is willing to sacrifice self-interests for the sake of others. This characteristic cannot be taught, so unless a person has a natural calling to serve, servant leadership is not a realistic or compatible style.

Listening – Do people believe that you want to hear their ideas and will value them? Servant leaders are excellent listeners. They are receptive and genuinely interested in the views and input of others. People instinctively understand that servant leaders want them to share their ideas and that these ideas will be valued. Listening is a skill that can be learned and is essential for those who desire to be a servant leader. Without good listening skills, many of the other characteristics described in this publication cannot be achieved.

Empathy – Do people believe that you will understand what is happening in their lives and how it affects them? Servant leaders can “walk in others’ shoes.” They understand and empathize with others’ circumstances and problems. Leaders who are empathetic have earned confidence from others by understanding whatever situation is being faced. This characteristic is a skill that comes more naturally to some people than others, but it is pertinent for all who aspire to be a servant leader.

Healing – Do people come to you when the chips are down or when something traumatic has happened in their lives? Servant leaders are people who others want to approach when something traumatic has happened. They have developed a remarkable appreciation for the emotional health and spirit of others. They are good at facilitating the healing process and others gravitate toward them when emotional needs arise. The ability to create an environment that encourages emotional mending is crucial for those who want to become great servant leaders.

Awareness – Do others believe you have a strong awareness for what is going on? Servant leaders have a keen sense for what is happening around them. They are always looking for cues from the environment to inform their opinions and decisions. They know what’s going on and will rarely be fooled by appearances. This skill is crucial to the development of servant leaders.

Persuasion – Do others follow your requests because they want to or because they believe they “have to?” Servant leaders seek to convince others to do things rather than relying on formal authority. They are naturally very persuasive and offer compelling reasons when they make requests. They never force others to do things. This ability is important for servant leaders to develop.

Conceptualization – Do others communicate their ideas and vision for the organization when you are around? Servant leaders nurture the ability to conceptualize the world, events and possibilities. They encourage others to dream great dreams and avoid getting bogged down by day-to-day realities and operations. They foster an environment that encourages thinking big and valuing the creative process. Those who want to be great servant leaders must develop an environment that fosters conceptualization.

Foresight – Do others have confidence in your ability to anticipate the future and its consequences? Servant leaders have an uncanny ability to anticipate future events. This is not to say they are psychic or always right, but they are adept at picking up patterns in the environment and seeing what the future will bring. They usually anticipate consequences of decisions with great accuracy. Those who want to be successful servant leaders need to have and develop this foresight.

Stewardship – Do others believe you are preparing the organization to make a positive difference in the world? Servant leaders often are characterized by a strong sense of stewardship. Stewardship stems from medieval times when a steward would be assigned to hone the skills and development of the young prince to prepare him for his reign. The kingdom relied on the steward to teach and hold the prince in trust so that he would be a successful king. Today the term stewardship involves many of the same things. A steward in an organization is responsible for preparing it for its destiny, usually for the betterment of society. When we describe a leader as having a strong sense of stewardship, we refer to a desire to prepare the organization to contribute to the greater good of society — not unlike preparing the prince to serve the greater good of the kingdom. Making a positive difference in the future is characteristic of the stewardship mentality. Those who desire to be excellent servant leaders need to have a natural sense of stewardship. If you don’t naturally have a stewardship perspective, it is unlikely that the servant leadership style will come naturally to you.

Growth – Do people believe that you are committed to helping them develop and grow? Servant leaders have a strong commitment to the growth of people. They believe that all people have something to offer beyond their tangible contributions. Servant leaders work hard to help people in a number of ways — spiritually, professionally, personally. Those who want to be great servant leaders need to connect to others’ developmental needs and actively find ways to meet these needs.

Building Community – Do people feel a strong sense of community in the organization that you lead? Servant leaders have a strong sense of community spirit and work hard to foster it in an organization. They believe that an organization needs to function as a community. A servant leader instills a sense of community spirit in the workplace. Those who want to be great servant leaders need to work hard to build community in the organization.

Servant Leadership Development

Servant leadership is characterized by a belief that leadership development is an on-going, life-long learning process. For this reason, servant leaders commit to continual development in the 11 characteristics of servant leadership. Some characteristics come more naturally to some people than to others. By their nature, characteristics such as calling, empathy, healing and stewardship are more difficult to learn and develop than other servant leadership characteristics.

These are characteristics that leaders must already have to be successful servant leaders. Characteristics such as listening, awareness, persuasion, conceptualization, foresight, growth and building community all are learnable skills, so servant leaders can continually develop these. I encourage you to reflect and thoughtfully assess the degree to which you have what it takes to be a servant leader. If you are committed to being the best servant leader that you can be, I urge you to continuously work to develop these characteristics.

October 10, 2013

Refocus Your Relationships

Last night I taught a class called Refocus Your Marriage. Really it could be called Refocus Your Relationships. I thought I would share a few of the opening comments I shared with that group.

Here are three important truths to remember:

You are made for relationships – We are made to need relationships. We all have three primary types of relationships: With others, with ourselves and with God. Each of those areas needs our attention and development.
You are made with the capacity to Choose – God gave each of us the power to choose. Choice equals change. Making a choice is often difficult because it requires change, and that change can be threatening. We choose how we react to everything around us. We choose the thoughts we have and those thoughts lead to emotions and behaviors. So in essence we can control our emotions and behaviors by the way in which we think.
You are made to take responsibility for yourself – The only thing you have control over is yourself. You get to choose how you think, what you think, what you say and what you do. When you start to focus on yourself and how you can grow and change you will begin to make progress in your relationships.

I want to introduce you to the emotion that destroys relationships. This has been going on for thousands of years since the beginning with Adam & Eve. It has been destroying relationships and people very effectively. At the core of every person is a button called fear. That fear takes many shapes, things like fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, you name it.

From where does this fear come from? Let’s take a look at the creation story with fresh eyes Genesis 2:17 – After God created Adam & Eve, he informed them about two special trees blossoming in the middle of the garden: The tree of life and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Regarding the first he gave no commandment. But the second he said “you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die.”

Why did God create a perfect garden and then put these two trees right in the middle? Why not outside the garden? I think it was because he created us to depend on him, not living an autonomous life apart from him. He gave that command to not eat of the tree so that we wouldn’t become self-sustaining and insist on stubborn control of our own lives. He wanted us to daily choose to trust Him for everything we need.

I believe that command created a healthy fear in Adam & Eve, the fear of being separated from God. It also created a fear of losing each other as well. Well along comes Satan, or the Serpent and he plays on this fear. “Did God really say, You must not eat from any tree in the garden?” Eve replies exactly what God told them, we can eat from any tree in the garden except the tree in the middle of the garden, you must not touch it or you will die.

“You will not surely die, serpent said to the woman. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, knowing good and evil. My guess is that Eve thought that her fear of being separated from God was not true and therefore took the fruit. This caused a whole new fear to take root. This fear was unhealthy and destructive. When Adam & Eve heard God walking in the garden they hid, because they were afraid. There fear caused them to respond in a certain way. After eating the fruit their response became unhealthy, defensiveness, blaming others.

Our relationships are much the same way. We all have hurts from our past or guilt from us hurting someone else. Those hurts and guilt drive the fear that drives our unhealthy behaviors. That causes us to struggle to have healthy, happy relationships. To learn more about this idea of fear and relationships read the book by Gary Smalley called “The DNA of Relationships”.

August 17, 2013

It’s About Time To Go!

Last Sunday my wife and I went on a bike ride on the local Rails to Trails in Millersburg. It’s a great place to ride, walk or run because its mostly flat. We were with several friends enjoying the beautiful day. The local Amish also use this trail with their buggies because it’s nice to avoid the traffic on the main roads.

On our way back we came up behind a buggy that was going very slow. I was in front of the group and had to slow down, because some other people were coming the other way on bikes. We all slowed down as we got behind this buggy and then a young Amish man turned to me and asked what time it was. I didn’t have a watch on, so I couldn’t help him out, but this is what I said in Pennsylvania Dutch, “I’s bout site for gaya” which means it’s about time to go. With that I quickly passed him and headed on up the path. (I know just enough dutch to be a little dangerous.)

That was a brief encounter, but I haven’t been able to get that phrase out of my head. I don’t know why that came to my mind in that moment, but here is what I’ve been thinking about.

It’s about time to go. Most of us go through life living safely, trying to be as comfortable and happy as we can be. Our motivation is often for what is best for us or our kids. We can live selfish, private lives and never really have much impact or influence in the world around us. It’s so easy to get into our comfortable buggy and ride along the familiar trail and occasionally ask someone what time is it? Yet That’s not how God intended it. God never promised that life would be safe and comfortable. He did promise that he is good and faithful to be with us no matter where we are at. That should give us courage to go wherever he directs us.

God is telling us that it’s time to go. It’s time to step out of our comfort zone and push ourselves beyond our perceived limits. Now I realize that means something different to everyone reading this. For some it might mean having a difficult conversation with their spouse, teenager or adult child. Maybe it’s confronting someone at work and speaking the truth in love to them. It might be to give up some things you enjoy doing so that you can serve at church or spend more time with your family. It might mean not taking that job because it would hurt your relationship with your family. It could be to downsize in order to get a grip on your finances. It might mean taking your relationship with God more seriously and start reading through the Bible. It could be asking someone for forgiveness and admitting how you got it wrong. Whatever it means to Go for you, don’t hesitate, start today, find a new trail or speed up on the one your on. God loves us but he also doesn’t want us to stay where we are at, he wants us to grow in every area of our lives: Spiritually, emotionally, relationally and even physically. Where do you need to go?

Whatever it is for you “I’s bout site for gaya.”

August 2, 2013August 6, 2013

The One Skill That Will Transform Your Leadership

When it comes to leadership development there are so many resources out there that it can be hard to know what to focus on. I love reading about leadership and how to develop solid healthy relationships. Developing as a leader is vital for you to survive in your work environment, your home environment and in your own personal internal world.

There is no magic pill to take to become a great leader. It takes hard work, patience, failure and learning from experience to become a great leader. The same can be said of a great marriage or relationship.

The one skill that I have kept coming back to, that makes the most difference is listening. If I had to name one skill that could make the biggest difference in any organization, family, marriage or individual it would be listening.

When the people around you truly believe you are listening to them they feel that you care and value them. That creates a place where people feel safe, trusted and valuable. When people don’t believe you are listening to them, it creates many negative emotions like fear, anger, frustration, helplessness and indifference.

Entire books have be written about listening, but I want to give you a few simple things you can do at work and home to improve your listening quickly.

Stop trying to multitask – When you are in a meeting or someone is talking to you, stop what you are doing, turn your body to face them, look them in the eye and focus on what they are saying. When you have your computer open or are watching TV or are looking at your phone or glancing past their shoulder, you are sending a message that this is not important to you and that you aren’t interested. That immediately generates negative emotions in the other person.
Ask Questions – When you ask questions to clarify or find out more, it communicates that you really are interested and want to understand. This helps to avoid misunderstandings and keeps you from trying to redirect, avoid or be defensive. When you are seeking to first understand before being understood you will automatically start thinking of questions to ask before you start giving your answer or your defense.
Follow-up – When you follow up with someone or follow through on something it sends the message that you listened. Even if you cannot do what they asked, it is vital to get back with them and explain why. Simply sending a follow-up email, writing a note or sending a text are great ways to let that person know you heard them and value them. When someone tells you something or asks you for something and you never get back with them it sends the message that you don’t care and they are not important.
Respond quickly – When someone sends you a message, whether its a text, email, phone message or direct message, respond as soon as possible. Even if you can’t give them a full answer, at least acknowledge that you got it and will be getting back to them. People communicate through messaging and so as a leader it is important to respond as quickly as you can. It sends a message that you value them. Find a good system that works for you to respond to all the messages you get everyday – No excuses just do it.

If your focus is on listening to the people around you, you will also start noticing things. You will pick up on when someone is struggling or hurting. You can even get some great new ideas. Listening will also help you be more patient, less emotional and more respected.

If you think about the people you like to be around, it’s people that listen well, they ask you questions and seem to be genuinely interested in you. Listening is something that’s ultimately done by an individual. Yet an organization or family can also have a culture that endorses and supports listening in all directions and ways.

One of the best ways you can develop yourself is to become a better listener. The cool thing is that you can start today, right now, with the next conversation you have.

July 19, 2013

4 Ways To Growing Your Faith

This week I met with my older brother Brian for lunch. We don’t get to spend much time together anymore so it was nice to meet with him and talk about what is going on in his life. He is facing some big life-changing things like starting his own business, being an empty nester and getting involved in ministry at his church.

As we talked, I could see and hear how much God has been working in his life. He has grown more in the last two months than he had for the last several years. God really has gotten a hold of him and he is following God with all his heart. As I heard him talk about how close he felt to God I got to thinking about how many people aren’t experiencing that kind of relationship with God. Brian includes God in every decision and won’t make a move without hearing from God. He works hard at what he knows he should be doing and waits on God for things he is unsure of.

So here are a few keys I learned from Brian to growing our faith:

Listen – Most people are busy and we run from one thing to the other. We can fill our lives with all kinds of activities that distract us from listening to God. Brian’s new journey started while on vacation away from the distractions of life. Say no to some things so you can slow down and listen more and run less. Maybe its time for a short retreat to listen to God.
Read – Even if your not much of a reader, this is a key to growing spiritually. Most people don’t use much of the brain God gave them. I know I don’t. Reading the Bible and books about God, christian living, relationships and even leadership will stretch your mind and help you to grow. Brian told me he has read more in the last two months than he had in the last 10 years. He said his mind has been opened up and he is able to learn and grow like never before. Make a goal of reading a book of the Bible and another book on faith within the next two months. Reading feeds your mind and is one way to hear from God.
Pray – That may sound simple, yet many of us don’t take the time to pray. When we do its a quick thought or running through a list of items we need help with. What I am talking about is having a real conversation with God. Pouring out your heart and opening yourself up to what God wants to do in you. Start to pray out loud even when you are alone. Brian has gone on prayer walks and spends time throughout the day in conversation with God. Make it a practice to praise and thank God every day, confess anything that needs confessed, pray for people that God brings to your mind. Also pray for God to fill you with the Holy Spirit and for wisdom, courage and strength to do His will. You might even consider fasting and praying. Maybe you should get on your knees or even bow down on your face and pray & listen.
Do – It is great to read, study, learn and pray, yet if you don’t do something you will not change. Brian got involved in his church. He volunteered for the prayer ministry and quickly began leading that ministry. This helped him put into practice what God started in private. He started praying for people and God started using him to impact peoples lives. He did some things that made him uncomfortable and stretched him, and God used it to change him and the people around him. When you listen, read and pray God directs you in what to do. God will give you opportunities to influence other people, serve other people, encourage other people and even heal other people.

Lead On

June 27, 2013

Are You Happily Married?

Marriage is a very challenging yet rewarding relationship. I’ve been married now for 24 years and I’m still learning, making mistakes and trying to grow and get better at being a husband. I think a lot of people enter marriage thinking that this relationship will make me happy. That is a dangerous mindset entering marriage. Oh there will be times of great happiness, but there will also be times of sorrow, anger, disappointment and conflict.

All healthy relationships are messy and hard at times. Gary Thomas said this in his book Sacred Marriage, “God intended marriage not to make you happy, but to make you holy”. That is so true if you are a Christian. God uses the relationships in our lives to shape and mold our character. Each of us has a choice in the matter. Do we view marriage as a place to get my needs met, or where I become more like Christ?

Marriage is not primarily about feeling happy everyday. It’s not about getting what you deserve or getting the sex you want. Marriage is a lifelong training ground to knock off the rough edges and reform your selfish nature in order to make you holy. The cool thing is when you become more holy you become more happy.

Marriage is about commitment, giving, serving, forgiving, sacrificing and humbling yourself. That doesn’t sound like a lot of fun, but marriage is also about intimacy. The healthiest marriages have 3 kinds of intimacy: Spiritual, emotional and physical. When all 3 of those areas are healthy and growing there is usually a good bit of happiness as well. However to be healthy and growing in those areas, you must be committed, giving, serving, forgiving and sacrificing.

Knowing how to love your spouse is also a learning experience. Knowing, understanding and applying the 5 love languages that Gary Chapman lays out in his book The Five Love Languages is vital to a long healthy marriage. If you don’t know them, then get the book and read it.

If you want a better marriage it will take some work like reading a book or ten, going to see a counselor and actually being open and honest. It might mean learning new ideas and changing old mind sets about marriage. It might mean learning what your fear buttons are and how that triggers your unhealthy responses. It might means asking for forgiveness or extending forgiveness.

The point is you must work on yourself in order to improve any relationship. The more you focus on yourself and your own issues the better your relationship will get. When you also include God in the process you can transform any marriage or any relationship no matter how damaged it may be.

Love always trusts, always hopes, always remains strong.

April 25, 2013

How People Change

I have been studying a workbook called “How People Change” by Timothy Lane and Paul David Tripp with a group of people. This is the material we use to prepare mentors for ministry at NewPointe Community Church. The material is great but the conversations we have is even better. We finished up last night and everyone in the group agreed they had grown a lot and experienced a sense of community with the other people.

Here are some quotes that really stood out in this last session:

“God does more than deliver us from the Heat (hardships of life), he delivers us from ourselves so that we can stand up under the heat and not merely survive but bear good fruit. Under the pressure of family difficulty, love can grow. Under the heat of unappreciated sacrifice, perseverance grow. In the middle of suffering, peace and sturdy faith can blossom. In the midst of want, giving can grow where thorns of greed and selfishness once lived. Under the heat of life in a fallen world, new and surprising fruit can and does grow.”

That is some amazing insight. That God does some of the most incredible work in our lives in the midst of the most difficult times. We all face challenges, hardship, struggle and even celebration moments. That is part of life in this world. Keeping God in the center of our lives during these times allows him to work deep within us. Only when our hearts are changed will our behavior and responses change. So if you are in the middle of a great struggle, look inside your own heart and ask God to do a work there.

Here is another great quote: “We all know that sin causes us to be more committed to ourselves than anything else. It causes us to love ourselves more than anything else. Sin makes us self-centered and self-indulgent as we give in to desires of the sinful nature and feed its cravings. Such selfish living destroys relationships and harms people. Our chief problem in relationships is not the fallen world we live in, but the fact that we ourselves are deeply self-centered and have trouble loving one another.”

Wow, that is very convicting. This speaks to the importance of understanding our human nature and how much we need God to transform our hearts. Only when we surrender to God and allow the Holy Spirit to flow inside our hearts can we change all of that. Our relationship suffer when we allow self-centered behavior or thinking to rule.

It is important to remember that Jesus asked us to follow him. He didn’t say follow these rules or go and do these certain things. He said simply follow me no matter where you are at. If you stumble and fall, Jesus waits for us to get up and continue following him. God has provided the Holy Spirit to help us follow him and help us get back up when we fall. If you want to change, it starts in your heart.

March 22, 2013

The Game Changing Relational Skill

Empathy is critical to emotional health. This is the ability to discern emotions in others and then experience, within ourselves, the same emotion. This is much different than sympathy, which is the mental awareness of what another person is going through.

Developing the ability to empathize is important if you want to improve your relationships and get healthy emotionally. Why is it important to be healthy emotionally. Well, I believe that our emotions play a big part in our physical and spiritual health as well. Emotions live inside us and if painful emotions are living inside you they eventually come out in behavior, thoughts and attitude. Unresolved emotions can lead to physical illness and mental damage as well. It also affects your relationship with God.

Emotions should not control us, we should understand and control our emotions. We should not try to shut off our emotions or hide them, that is why empathy is so important. It helps us to connect with and understand other people much better.

To develop empathy we must learn to listen and observe words, sounds and body language. Jesus was amazingly empathetic. He was moved with compassion as he discerned the needs and pain of others. Read Mathew 9:36 and 20:34.

When we can empathize with someone three things will happen:

1. The other person will feel that someone cares for them and is willing to enter into their emotional world.
2. They feel like someone understands them.
3. They feel that it’s ok to be emotional and express emotions, in other words, my emotions are legitimate.

All emotions can be grouped into two categories: Potentially painful and potentially positive. The Bible teaches us how to attune or empathize to these two groups of emotions. In Romans 12:15 it says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.”

When someone is sad, we often think it is important to try to cheer them up. That is our natural response, but what is actually most helpful is to be sad with that person. Seems odd, but that is what empathy is. The people around us will feel blessed when we allow and encourage them to express their positive or painful emotions and we either rejoice or mourn with them.

This life skill of empathy is a game-changer for relating to other people. This skill allows you to connect with people in a way that helps them feel safe and valued. They will actually feel better after talking with you than before. It also helps you to better understand why people do what they do.

As a mentor and a pastor this skill has helped me to help other people. When people cannot process their emotions with someone they end up in a downward spiral that leads to destruction of relationships, and their physical well being. It often causes them to feel distant from God as well. To stay healthy emotionally a person must be able to process and express their emotions to God and other people.

As a leader, spouse, parent, boss, employee, sibling or friend, the ability to empathize will improve your relationships and deepen them as well. Learning this skill takes time, effort and patience. Paying attention to the details, asking the right questions and sometimes just being silent and feeling the emotion the other person is feeling. This can be hard work and frustrating at times, but in the long run empathy leads to better emotional health for you and those around you.