Relationships – Page 4 – Chad Stutzman

August 31, 2012

Asking For Forgiveness

How we ask for forgiveness is critical. I don’t know of any relationship that has lasted very long that has not had to practice forgiveness. This is the key ingredient that makes all the difference. Unhealthy relationships lack true forgiveness. Old problems and conflict are brought up on a regular basis and used to hurt the other person. I will be writing several posts in the coming weeks on this idea of forgiveness.

If I accidentally spill a cup of coffee on you, I have not sinned against you, so I do not need to ask for forgiveness. But I should apologize for what I have done. On the other hand, if I throw a cup of coffee in your face, I have sinned against you. I need to ask you to forgive me.

So, is an apology the same as asking for forgiveness? No. The right way to go about asking for forgiveness is to first name the specific sin, and then explicitly asking the person for forgiveness: “I was wrong for yelling at you and using that language with you. Will you forgive me?” I named the sin and asked for forgiveness. If I would have said, “I am sorry for yelling at you,” and stop there, the typical response from the offended person is, “Oh that’s okay,” or “it’s no big deal.” What has happened there is the offender has not admitted to sinning against the other person. Secondly, the offended person has lied by minimizing the sin. It is not okay for someone to sin against another person. This is not the way to healthy relationships.

So the key is recognizing and admitting when we sin against another person. When you admit your mistake openly and ask for forgiveness for that offense it now puts it into the other persons court to make a decision. Either I choose to forgive that person or not. I may not be ready in that moment to forgive if it was a deep hurt or has been a long term thing. I should consider if the person is trustworthy and sincere. Even if they are not totally sincere or trustworthy, it is still my decision to hold onto the hurt or release it by forgiving the person. Unforgiveness is the root of most anger issues and will destroy your relationships. Choosing to forgive is the beginning of healing and wholeness.

Next time I will talk about why we don’t forgive.

August 1, 2012

Why I Love My Church

This past weekend we opened a brand new facility in Millersburg Ohio after meeting in a High School for three years. I am grateful for all the sacrifice and work that went into making that happen. It took a lot of people working together to accomplish what happened on Sunday. This marks the beginning of another phase in the life of NewPointe Community Church, as we reach out to the Holmes County community through the Millersburg Campus.

I have been a part of NewPointe for 10 years and have enjoyed the journey. It has been challenging, fun, hard, fulfilling and significant for me. As I think about the church, it is way more than building a new building. There is so much that goes into a healthy growing church. So here are some reasons why I love my church:

I Love that NewPointe Community Church:

Is a safe place to hear a life changing message
Believes that people matter more than projects or events
Is willing to talk about the important and difficult issues of life like (sex, money, marriage, parenting)
Helps me apply the Bible to my everyday life
Is outward focused rather than inward focused – meaning we are more concerned with reaching people than keeping people
Is willing to take risks and make mistakes
Embraces and expects change
Pursues Excellence, but not perfection
Values being healthy emotionally
Is big on relationships and helping people connect
Is a place that I can serve and make a difference
Wants to partner with parents to impact children for eternity
Equips people to become better leader’s at home, at work and at church
Is a creative fun place
Is a warm, welcoming place where people feel accepted and loved
Is willing to take anyone
Mentors individuals and couples that are struggling with life
Empowers people to lead and serve
Embraces technology as a way to connect with people
Keeps things simple
Partners with local organizations to impact & improve our communities
Has a vision to Change the World!

Our vision is to lead people into a growing relationship with Jesus Christ. That is why we exist and that is why we open the doors every day.

April 11, 2012May 11, 2022

Relationships Matter – 6 Principles

Relationships are so important and yet they are also so challenging. When you think about it relationships are what matter most in life because that is what people will remember. I have been doing a lot of funerals lately and am always reminded that none of know how long we have or how old we really are. That is why it is so important to make sure that we are working on the relationships in our lives. Checking our priorities to make sure we are actually putting things like family, spouse, children, friends and God at the top of the list. The real test is what we actually do, not what we say. That is where the real work comes in, putting effort into the important relationships.

Here are several principles that will improve all your relationships if applied:

Choose your words wisely – There is great power in the tongue it can quickly cut someone down or build someone up. The way in which you talk to someone reveals a lot about the relationship. If there is sarcasm, belittling statement, swearing, name calling and no respect it shows a very unhealthy relationship. Often the way to start turning around a relationship is to change the words you are using.
Actively Listen – This is different that just hearing what is said. To work at a relationship you need to actively listen by using good eye contact, and body language such as turning your body toward the person and giving them your full attention. It is also asking questions to clarify what the other person is saying. This is a huge key in avoiding misunderstandings which is the biggest cause of arguments.
Resolve Conflicts – Working through conflict is vital for healthy relationships. When we have unresolved conflict it builds up under the surface of our relationship and and eventually comes back out, often in an unhealthy way. Here are a few do’s and don’ts when it come to conflict:

Don’t bury the problem or the pain it’s causing you.

Don’t use inflammatory remarks, sarcasm, or name-calling. Don’t generalize or exaggerate.

Don’t let the conflict broaden to other issues.

Never use ultimatums or threats.

Don’t use disrespectful body language or demeaning nonverbal communication.

Don’t interrupt, don’t raise your voice, don’t walk away or withdraw or hang up the phone in the middle of conflict.

Do take time out to regain your composure.

Do prepare for the confrontation before you engage in it.

Do ask for advice on what you can do to help resolve the problem.

Do use many encouraging and positive statements.

When possible, reassure the person of your ongoing commitment to them and your desire to strengthen and build the relationship.

Practice Forgiveness – Proverbs 10:12 says “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all transgressions.” Anytime you get hurt, it is a great opportunity to respond with forgiveness and loving kindness. There is no act or attribute that is more pleasing to God than when we forgive one another. For any relationship to last, forgiveness must be ever present. To combat anger we must forgive.
Fight against pride and selfishness – Those two things will cause the most damage in our relationships. To fight pride, practice humility which means thinking more about others than ourselves. It also means that we realize that we don’t know it all and that we can learn and grow. To fight selfishness we need to serve others. When we actively look to serve the people in our lives it shows our love and it also helps us to grow in character.
Know what the other person’s love language is and speak it often – The five love languages are – Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch and Giving Gifts.

I could keep going, but those are some of the best things we can do to improve any relationship that is important to us. Keep working at it, it is worth the effort. A healthy happy relationship will bring great joy and peace into your life.

February 15, 2012March 27, 2021

Who’s Filling Your Cup?

As human beings we have basic needs. Some are physical like food, oxygen, water, sleep. We also have needs for our inner being or our soul. This includes the realm of our emotions. This is what fills our cup and keeps us going. There are four basic soul needs that all of us crave. We are all created with these needs and we all search for ways to meet these needs everyday. Most of the time we look in the wrong places to meet these needs. So here they are:

Acceptance – Knowing you are loved and needed by others.
Identity – Knowing you are individually significant and special.
Security – Knowing you are well protected and provided for.
Purpose – Knowing you have a reason for living.

These basic needs are the driving force behind what motivates us in life. Just like we crave food and develop an appetite, we crave emotionally to have these needs met on a regular basis. If we go too long with these basic needs unmet, we become depressed, anxious, fearful, angry, lonely, and numb. These are needs, so we must have them met or we cannot survive. The problem is that the way we seek to meet these needs is primarily through other people or things. When we do that three things usually result:

We will be disappointed with the results, no matter how well things go.
We will lack the inner resources we need to love others the way we should and confront life successfully.
We almost always will be hurt or offended eventually by the one we trust.

When we trust in people and things our inner security is dependent on someone or something we cannot predict or control and that is limited. Often our ability to give is dependent on what we get from from others. If I am not getting what I want, then I don’t give what I know I should. This leads to a life of disappointment and frustration. When our expectations are that others meet these needs it creates a negative atmosphere of tension in our relationships. It can even push the people around us away and create a gap in our relationships. We are constantly disappointed with the people around us, because they can never live up to our expectations of meeting these four basic needs.

The answer is to put our trust in God to meet these basic needs. When we trust in God our inner strength and security are dependent on God who is faithful and has unlimited resources. Our ability to give to others flows from God living in us. When others are not giving to us, we can still love generously and unconditionally which strengthens all our relationships over time. Our lives are filled with an atmosphere of blessing, satisfaction and optimism because our perspective has changed from other people to God. Our expectations of others changes, which takes pressure off of them and us.

So, who is meeting your basic needs? If it is other people, let me encourage you to turn to God and ask Him to meet those needs of acceptance, identity, security and purpose. As your relationship with God grows those basic needs are met in a deeper and more significant way. The results are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control.

January 23, 2012

Likeability

Are you the kind of person other people like to be around? Do people look forward to meeting with you and spending time with you? Being a likeable person takes effort and intentionality. Here are four things you can do to become more likeable:

Love Life – Celebrate; don’t complain. Have fun and enjoy the journey.
Expect the best of people and treat them well – Think the best about people until they prove you wrong.
Give people hope – Everyone is looking for hope, that things can get better.
Share yourself – Be vulnerable and real. Share your heart, wisdom and resources.

That’s a good start, now go out and do it.

December 25, 2011

Three Keys to Good Relationships

Life is all about relationships. When our relationships are healthy, our lives tend to be healthy. When our relationships are strained or broken we are strained and broken. Our closest relationships are the ones that affect us the most. Having and maintaining healthy relationships takes work and constant learning. The reason relationships take work is because each of us tend to be selfish at times and that hurts our relationships. When we stop trying to improve ourselves, the people around us suffer. That is why we should always be working on ourselves and how we can strengthen our character. As I think about keys to healthy relationships, it really boils down to these three areas:

Understand People – This is no small task, because people are very complicated. We all have different experiences, beliefs, hurts, habits and hang-ups. As we grow older these things all come out in our relationships. Things that happened to us as a child effect us as adults. Whether it is lies we are believing, hurtful experiences or our worldview, it all effects our relationships with the people around us. To better understand people we need to be curious about the people around us. We need to be able to connect on a deeper emotional level by talking about those past experiences, core beliefs and worldview. We need to discover what their love language is and then speak that language with them on a regular basis. We also need to read books about relationships that can help us to better understand why we do what we do. Here are three books that have helped me a lot in the area of relationships: “The DNA Of Relationships” By Gary Smalley – “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman – “Love & Respect” by Emmerson Eggrichs.
Love People – Not many of us love people well. We tend to be judgmental, hold grudges, be selfish, rude, sarcastic and jealous. How to love well is clearly explained to us in the Bible. The Apostle Paul wrote about the importance of love in 1 Corinthians 13. He basically says that we can have all kinds of gifts and abilities, but if we don’t have love we have nothing. Listen to these words about how to love: “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” Read that again and put your name in place of love, does that describe who you are? If not start today to change that.
Help People – To have healthy thriving relationships we need to have a servants mindset. We should be thinking about how we can serve and help the people around us. We can only do this well if we understand the people around us and are loving well. To help people we need to be able to add value to their lives. Are the people around you benefiting from knowing you, or are you the only one benefiting? When we add value to others we are building up our account with that person. They will want to be around us and spend time with us. If we are only taking in a relationship people will not want to spend time with us. Helping people starts with the mindset of serving. This does not come naturally to us because we are wired to look out for ourselves and not others. This needs to be balanced with taking care of ourselves, so that we are healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually. When we are healthy, we can serve and add value to those around us. So that means going to a counselor, meeting with a mentor and working through our junk. That can be a great way of helping others by helping ourselves.

Relationships really matter and the harder we work on ourselves and our relationships the happier and healthier we will be. One last thought about relationships. Forgiveness is needed in every relationship in order last over time. We will hurt each other and let each other down, and the ability and desire to reconcile and forgive is vital to long term relationships. I will talk more about forgiveness later.

December 3, 2011

The Fear Factor in Relationships

None of us need new ways to screw up our relationships. The way in which we mess things up is working just fine. Most of us tend to fail in the same ways over and over again. It is part of our hard wiring that has happened over our entire lives. We have learned how to deal with pain, in mostly unhealthy ways. At the core of our behaviors that cause problems in our lives is fear. Fear is what drives us to do and say things that mess up our relationships. These fears have been embedded in us over a long period of time and when certain buttons are pushed, the fear rises up and out rushes our response to the heat or pain we are experiencing. Our emotions are an indicator of what is going on inside of us. They are like warning lights that something is not right. Fear will amplify those emotions to the point of no return.

So the question we need to ask ourselves is what do I do when I am afraid? What is my typical reaction when my fear button gets pushed? Here is a list of some of the most common unhealthy reactions we have:

Withdrawal – You avoid others or alienate yourself without resolution; you sulk or use the silent treatment
Escalation – Your emotions spiral out of control; you argue, raise your voice, fly into a rage
Try Harder – You try to do more to earn other’s love & care
Blaming – You place responsibility on others, not accepting fault; you’re convinced the problem is the other person’s fault
Exaggeration – You make overstatements or enlarge your words beyond the bounds or the truth
Denial – You refuse to admit the truth or reality
Defensiveness – Instead of listening, you defend yourself by providing an explanation
Passive-aggressive – You display negative emotions, resentment, and aggression in passive ways, such as procrastination and stubbornness
Complaining – You express unhappiness or make accusations; you criticize, creating a list of the other person’s faults
Anger and Rage – You display strong feelings of displeasure or violent and uncontrolled emotions
Humor – You use humor as a way of not dealing with the issue at hand
Sarcasm – You use negative humor, hurtful words, belittling comments, cutting remarks, or demeaning statements
Minimization – You assert that the other person is overreacting to an issue; you intentionally underestimate, downplay, or soft-pedal the issue
Rationalization – You attempt to make your actions seem reasonable; you try to attribute your behavior to credible motives; you try to provide believable but untrue reasons for your conduct

There are many more I could list, but I am sure there are several responses in here that we all can claim as to how we respond when the heat is turned up in our lives. These responses usually bring the same results, however we continue to use them in our conflict situations, because we truly believe we are doing the right thing. We are trying to get the other person to stop whatever behavior triggered the fear inside of us. Unfortunately each of these reactions only tends to poke at the fear inside the other person, which causes them to respond in one of these ways as well.

So around we go doing this dysfunctional, awkward, relational dance with the people around us. The fears we experience are a result of lies that we truly believe. Some of the most common fears that cause these reactions are as follows:

Rejection – The other person doesn’t want me or need me; I am not necessary in this relationship; I feel unwanted
Disconnection – We will become emotionally detached or separated; I will feel cut off from the other person
Failure – I am not successful at being a husband/wife, friend, parent, coworker; I will not perform correctly; I will not live up to expectations; I am not good enough
Inadequate – I am not capable; I am incompetent
Invalidated – Who I am, what I think, what I do, or how I feel is not valued
Unloved – The other person doesn’t care about me; my relationship lacks warm attachment, admiration, enthusiasm, or devotion
Judged – I am always being unfairly judged; the other person forms faulty or negative opinions about me; I am always being evaluated; the other person does not approve of me.
Ignored – The other person will not pay attention to me; I feel neglected

There are many more fears as well, but again I think each of us can identify several fears we struggle with. As we identify these fears and begin to understand the lie behind it and what is going on inside of us when these fears rise up, we can begin to change the way in which we choose to respond. This is called self-awareness.

The best way in which to overcome these fears is by growing closer to God and fully understanding how only He can meet the deep emotional needs that we all have. Our fears will never go away, but we can learn to turn to God when they pop up and lean on Him for the strength we need to respond in a healthy, humble way. The best way to fight fear is with fear. What I mean by that is when we have a healthy fear or reverence for God it helps us to have more courage in the face of the inner fears we have. The fear of the Lord is what sets us free from the fear of man, finances, death, divorce and the future.

The Bible says that fear and love cannot cohabitate. So when our hearts are filled with God’s love we have the power to react or respond in a different way. We can hold our tongue, listen and try to understand, ask questions to clarify, wait for the right time to confront, seek help from others, admit our part, ask for forgiveness, grant forgiveness, use words that are positive and encouraging, use body language that is open and loving. Fear is all about ourselves, while love is all about other people. Fear is inward focused while love is outward focused. Every time we face a fear we have an opportunity to trust God or trust ourselves. When we trust God, even when we don’t know the outcome, we grow closer to Him and farther away from those fears.

So what is keeping you from surrendering everything to God and trusting Him? What is keeping you from fearing God more than man? What emotional wall are you hitting repeatedly that causes fear to rise up inside of you? What reactions need to be changed in order to improve your relationships?

The list of reactions and fears came from Gary Smalley and his book – “The DNA of Relationships.”

November 10, 2011

Healthy Emotions, Healthy Relationships

Most of life is about relationships, and the health of those relationships determines the success and happiness we experience. Our lives are either up or down based on the health of the relationships around us. Whether it is the relationship with a spouse, a child, a parent, a brother or sister, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a boss or a co-worker, a friend or even God; when things are going well we tend to feel good and when they are going bad we feel down.

God made us to be relational by nature. His design for us was to not lone, but in community or relationship with others. The health of all of our relationships depends a lot on our own emotional health. We cannot control what other people do, think or say, but we can control what we do, think or say. Most of the problems in our marriages and other vital relationships stem from being unhealthy in our own emotions.

We all have emotional baggage that we carry with us. Wounds from previous relationships tend to stay with us and affect how we interact with the people around us. The scars from those wounds can actually cause us to think and act in unhealthy ways, because we are trying to protect ourselves from getting wounded again. Many people have also observed or lived around unhealthy relationships that have influenced how they now handle conflict or deal with difficult situations. All of this stuff from our past causes us to have deep rooted fears that keep us from living life the way God intended.

So here is the question; How do we overcome these fears and live life to the fullest?

There is no easy way in which to do this. However, a great first step is to go back in order to go forward. By going back, I do not mean to dwell on your past, what I mean is to deal with your past. One of the best ways I have found to do this is through a process called “Steps to Freedom in Christ” by Neil Anderson. I have taken many people through this process and have seen amazing results. I highly recommend using the booklet to walk through these steps and to do it with a spiritual mentor. Here are the Seven steps:

Counterfeit vs. Real – This first step is all about renouncing the things from our past that we may have dabbled in that are not of God, and that may have contributed to believing lies about ourselves, God and other people.
Deception vs. Truth – The second step is a process of identifying lies that we may believed or have believed in the past and replacing them with the truth. There is a set of truth statements that I use often for myself and the people I mentor to read through and focus on.
Bitterness vs. Forgiveness – The third step is often one of the biggest and most freeing step as we work through the process of forgiveness. This exercise is one of the most powerful exercises I have done personally or with someone else.
Rebellion vs. Submission – Step four is about admitting our tendency to rebel and to ask for God’s help in submitting in a healthy way.
Pride vs. Humility – Step five is often hard, but vital in gaining emotional and spiritual freedom. Admitting to areas of pride and seeking humility leads to incredible strength and freedom.
Bondage vs. Freedom – The sixth step is about admitting all the sins that we have struggled with in our life and asking God for forgiveness. There are specific prayers to pray based on what types of sins may be keeping us in bondage.
Curses vs. Blessing – This last step has to do with the sins of our family. Every family has generational sins that have been passed down from generation to generation. This can stop with you.

There are prayers included at the end that are helpful in maintaining freedom and keeping God central in our lives.

Once a year we should all do a spiritual and emotional check up and this is one way to do that. This is all about allowing God to heal the wounds and eliminate the scars from our past, so that we can live in freedom and have healthy relationships moving forward.

October 13, 2011

The Art of Confrontation

Conflict is all around us, none of us can escape conflict. We try to avoid it, we try to minimize it, we try to attack it but we should resolve it. Usually the way to reach resolution is through confrontation. In a conflict situation the best way to obtain peace is to start by confronting the issue. The problem is for most of us the idea of confronting is not something we are good at and we often do it in the wrong way. This will usually cause the conflict to get worse. Jesus was very good at confrontation. He gave us some clear examples of how to do it. One of those times is in John 8:48-59. Jesus is having a showdown with some of the leader’s of the Jews. Here are four steps Jesus used to get to the heart of the issue:

He was clear and direct – Often times when we confront we are not able to be clear, because our emotions are clouding our thinking. The best way to confront someone is by being as clear and direct as possible. This should not be done in a condescending way or in an aggressive attacking way.
He did not draw attention to himself – He did not get all emotional and throw a temper tantrum. He didn’t puff himself up and try to make himself look good or look smarter.
He laid out the issues and asked for a decision – Many times we don’t lay out all the cards, or if we do, we don’t ask for a decision. If the person needs more time to process and think, give them time but come back to the real issues and how to resolve them.
He trusted God to justify and reveal the truth – Sometimes we can’t completely resolve a situation, but we should always try. We must trust that God is going to continue to work in this situation as long we are being obedient to owning our part of the conflict and confronting in a loving way with the right motives.

Here are some more takeaways on the right way to confront:

Clarify the desired relationship you wish to have
Make sure you have the right motives, speak the truth in love
Define the unacceptable behavior
Highlight your values and priorities, what’s important to you?
List the conduct that illustrate your point – be specific
Share the possible consequences if no resolution can be reached
Offer hope for a new future – reconciliation is the goal

Resolving conflict is never easy, but always worth the effort.

September 26, 2011May 11, 2022

5 Mistakes Women Make in Marriage

My last post was about the mistakes a lot of the guys make in their marriage. That was easy for me to write about as I am one of those guys. Writing about mistakes women make in marriage is a little more challenging. This comes from years of counseling couples and listening to their frustrations and problems. Just like my post about the guys, I am sure there are other things that could be mentioned, but let’s start with these five for now. These are similar to the mistakes that men make.

Loving your husband conditionally – This is what I call performance based love. When the man performs a certain way or does what is expected, the wife tends to show love and respect. The real test of love is when that is not happening. When expectations are not met and his behavior is not what you want, do you love him less? Maybe you wouldn’t say you love him less, but does your response and behavior communicate that to him or does it communicate that when he straightens up then you will show him some love?
Not making sex a priority – Just like the men, women can make the mistake of thinking that men should approach intimacy the same as them. Men are not as emotional as women and therefore most guys don’t connect emotionally very well. For most men the thought of intimacy means sex. Physical intimacy is how most men feel close to their wives. Without that type of intimacy they can feel unloved. It may be enough for you to talk, hug and kiss, but for most guys that just gets the engine running. Talk with your husband about sex and see what happens. Life can be very busy and hectic, and it can be hard to have time for the two of you to be intimate, but if you don’t it’s a big mistake.
Forgetting how to be your husbands friend – One of the things I have observed in many marriages is that they are no longer best friends. Most guys desire their wives to be their best friends. That means doing fun stuff together, hanging out, going out to eat and being able to talk about what is going on in their lives. Find something you can do together to have fun and relieve stress. Go back to the days when you were dating. When you acted like you were interested in sports or cars or his work. When you did that it made him feel important and that he was sharing his life with you. He needs you to be his friend, not his mother.
Not encouraging your husband – Most men crave encouragement. The way you speak to your husband will say a lot about your relationship. When you encourage your man, he feels respected, which is even more important to him than love. Encouragement can come through words either spoken or in writing. It can also just be simple body language that communicates to him that you are proud of him and think that he is doing a great job. Being there for him in the important moments of his life whether that is at work or with one of his hobbies. So when was the last time you encouraged your husband in a positive way?
Not being clear in your communication – Men and women think differently, see things differently, hear things differently and communicate differently. One of the mistakes some women make is to expect their man to pick up on what is going on in your life. Most guys are not that observant. It really helps when you clearly state why you are upset or what you would like us to do. Hinting about it is very frustrating for most men. Most men are pretty simple and when communication becomes complicated they tend to shut down. The more clear you communicate, the fewer misunderstandings tend to happen. You also need to be aware of your nonverbal communication. You might be saying something but communicating another because of your tone of voice and facial expressions. So understand your own communication style and his and make any adjustments necessary. If communication is a big problem in your marriage, I recommend you get some help. Go get help from a mentor or counselor. I recommend you don’t demand he go with you, but let him know you would like him to go if he wants to, but that you want to go to try to improve yourself so you can be a better wife.

I hope some of those thoughts were helpful. My last thought is this. Don’t make the mistake of not building spiritual intimacy with your husband. It may only be you praying for him in the beginning, but that can be very powerful. Remember you can’t change him, you can only change yourself.