Category: Relationships

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How’s Your Tank Level

I have been talking with many couples over the past several weeks. Many of the stories I hear are similar. Their tanks are empty and their feelings have changed. They are hurting, frustrated and tired. When your “love” tank is empty, the small things bother you and hurt you even more. If you are in a relationship, what are you doing to fill the other person’s tank? Have you been siphoning off or filling up their tank?

Maybe your tank is empty and you have no interest in filling the other person’s tank. On your own that will be hard, but ask God to help you take the first step in pouring something into their tank. Odds are they are running on empty as well. If you take the initiative the other person is much more likely to start filling your tank.

Now you need to know what fills their tank. Water will not run a car, it takes gasoline. You need to find out what their gasoline is and then pump it every day. Don’t wait on the other person start today – even a drop is better than nothing.

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How to be a Good Listener

Relationships can be hard work. Especially the marriage relationship. I am reminded of that over and over in my own marriage and other important relationships. A big part of deepening your relationships is to listen and communicate well. I came across this short article by Dr. Gary Chapman that did a nice job of explaining how to be a good listener. Take the time to read this and then start applying it to your relationships.

How to Be a Good Listener by Dr. Gary Chapman

You’re probably familiar with the five love languages–quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts and physical touch. Did you know quality time has many dialects? One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversation. By quality conversation, I mean sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.

Have you ever wondered if you’re a good listener? How can you improve in this area? Here are eight steps to becoming a sympathetic listener.

1. Maintain eye contact when you are listening to someone. This keeps your mind from wandering and communicates that the person has your full attention. Refrain from rolling your eyes in disgust, closing your eyes when they give you a low blow, looking over their head, or staring at their shoes while they are talking.

2. Don’t engage in other activities while you are listening to another individual. Remember, quality time is giving someone your undivided attention.

3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself: “What are this person’s emotions right now?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, “It sounds like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot…” That gives the person a chance to clarify his/her feelings. It also communicates that you are listening intently to what they are saying.

4. Observe body language. Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movement may give you clues as to what the person is feeling. Sometimes body language speaks one message while words speak another. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what the person is really thinking and feeling.

5. Refuse to interrupt.

6. Ask reflective questions.

7. Express understanding. The person needs to know that he/she has been heard and understood.

8. Ask if there is anything you might do that would be helpful. Notice, you are asking, not telling the person what she ought to do. Never give advice until you are sure the other person wants it.

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Judgmental

I finished a good book this morning called UnChristian by David Kinnaman. The chapter that really jumped out at me was entitled judgemental.

The definition the author gives for judgemental is “To be judgemental is to point out something that is wrong in someone else’s life, making the person feel put down, excluded and marginalized. Some part of their potential to be Christ followers is snuffed out. Being judgemental is fueled by self-righteousness, the misguided inner motivation to make our own life look better by comparing it to the lives of others.”

He says that 87 percent of young outsiders think that judgemental, accurately describes present-day Christians. They believe we are more interested in proving we are right than that God is right. This perception of Christians has kept many people away from a relationship with Jesus Christ. That attitude pushes people away from God and His purpose for their lives.

It is very easy to be judgmental if we lose our passion for outsiders. Instead of looking at them with love and compassion we judge the way they act, talk, look and dress. The Bible makes it clear that God, not humans, should judge. He calls us to love people, accept people, build relationships and friendships with people.

So how do we avoid being judgemental. It starts by listening. Listen to understand, not be understood. We often judge because we don’t understand. Don’t label people or put them in a certain box, because of how they look, act or behave. Don’t pretend to have all the answers and to know it all. That is always a turn off.

Try to put yourself in their place, empathy helps you to love instead of judge. It also helps to be real and not pretend that you have it all together. To really care about people and be their friend, even if they don’t come to church or believe like you do. Friendship should be real and based on a genuine interest in the person.

This week I met with a young lady that was new to being a Christian. She had many questions, because she was not raised in a Christian home. As I answered some of her questions she shared some of her struggles with me. She thought that becoming a Christian meant she had to be perfect. She told me later in our conversation that she was watching how I would react to her struggles. She said she did not feel like I was judging her, which helped her to draw closer to God.

I have to remind myself often that it is not my job to change or judge people. That’s God’s job. It is my job to love them and to point them to the love of Jesus. He is the one that will bring change in their lives. I know that, because that what Jesus did in my life. He changed me over time into a new person. You see, the opposite of judgementalism is love.

So how do you perceive single parents, divorced people, gays and lesbians, people with tattoos, people that smoke, your neighbors, your pastor? Philip Yancey said “the opposite of sin is not virtue; it is grace”. Are you extending grace to people the way God extended grace to you? I hope this week we can all look at people through the eyes of Jesus, and love them like He does.

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Let’s Talk about SEX

This past Sunday the Sermon topic at NewPointe Community Church was about Sex. We are in a series called “Worlds Apart”. You can listen to past messages on line or download them from iTunes. Basically we are looking at some of the hot topics like, sex, money and suffering from God’s perspective as compared to the worlds perspective.

I recently finished reading two books on the topic of sex. I highly recommend both of these books. The first is called “Every Man’s Battle” by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. They also have a version out for women, young men and young women. Every man should read this book. My men’s group has been reading this and we are trying to grow in this area of our lives. This book is about sexual temptation and how to have victory over those temptations. In today’s world, sex is everywhere you look. Sex sells and people know it. It is used in advertising, in entertainment on TV and in the movies. It is everywhere you turn.

For men, sex has a very powerful pull. Most men are very visual and therefore our eyes can get us in a lot of trouble. The book gives a simple 10 question test to see how you are doing with sexual temptation:

  1. Do you lock on when an attractive woman comes near you?
  2. Do you masturbate to images of other women?
  3. Have you found your wife to be less sexually satisfying?
  4. Are you holding a grudge against your wife-a grudge that gives you a sense of entitlement?
  5. Do you seek out sexually arousing articles or photo spreads in newspapers and magazines?
  6. Do you have a private place or secret compartment that you keep hidden from your wife?
  7. Do you look forward to going away on a business trip?
  8. Do you have behaviors that you can’t share with your wife?
  9. Do you frequent porn-related sites on the Internet?
  10. Do you watch R-rated movies, sexy videos, or the steamy Cable channels for gratification?

“If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re lurking at the door of sexual addiction. You’re inside that door if you can answer yes to the following questions”:

  1. Do you watch pay-per-view sexually explicit TV channels at home or on the road?
  2. Do you purchase pornography on the Internet?
  3. Do you rent adult movies?
  4. Do you watch nude dancing?
  5. Do you call 900-numbers to have phone sex?
  6. Do you practice voyeurism?

I know these are pretty heavy questions, but this is a huge problem. Not only in the world, but in the church. Many Christians are addicted to sex. That bondage is slowly destroying men, marriages and families. I am serious that every man should read this book and get real about the temptations we are facing. You have to make a decision about whether you want to be pure or not. If you want to know God’s standards on sex, here are some Scriptures to go read:

Matthew 5:28, Mark 7:21-23, Acts 15:23, Romans 13:12-13, 1 Corinthians 5:11, 1 Corinthians 6:18, 2 Corinthians 12:21, Galatians 5:16,19, Ephesians 5:3-4, Colossians 3:5-6, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5,7, Hebrews 12:16, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Peter 4:3, Jude 7, Revelation 2:14, Revelation 2:20 and Revelation 21:8.

Here are some takeaways from the authors on these Scriptures and God’s Standards for Christians:

  • Sexual immorality begins with the lustful attitudes of our sinful natures. It is rooted in the darkness within us. Therefore sexual immorality, like other sins that enslave believers, will incur God’s wrath.
  • Our bodies were not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, who has both created us and called us to live in sexual purity. His will is that every Christian be sexually pure-in thoughts and his words as well as his actions.
  • Therefore it is holy and honorable to completely avoid sexual immorality-to repent of it, to flee from it, and to put it to death in our lives, as we live by the Spirit. We’ve spent enough time living like pagans in a passionate lust.
  • We should not be in close association with other Christians who persist in sexual immorality.
  • If you entice others to sexual immorality, Jesus Himself has something against you.

OK, so that is a pretty high standard. On our own we cannot do it, but if we plug into God’s power he can help break the chains that keep us in bondage. The first step is to really want to be free from this and make that decision to obey God’s commands.

Guys, this battle is real and it is hard. Don’t take it lightly, because it can sneak up on you. It starts with some very innocent things and slowly begins to creep into our lives. Many men were exposed to pornography at young ages or influenced in a negative way toward sex growing up. It has become so common place that we are immune to many of the warning signs. Before we know it we are in over our heads. If you are struggling with this, go get some help. Find an accountability partner, Get some counseling from your pastor or Christian Counselor, get rid of the computer, burn the magazines. Whatever it takes to start back on the road to purity. Purity paves the way to intimacy, and that is what we want in our marriages.

Ladies, your man is in a battle every day. He is facing an enemy that uses sex as a way to take out as many men as he can. This is something you should talk about together as a couple. How can you help him to resist those temptations and have victory. Sex is a wonderful thing, when it is done in a marriage relationship. God created sex for our enjoyment! Having a healthy sex life in the marriage relationship will go a long way in helping a man win the battle of sexual temptation.

The other book I just finished is “Sheet Music – Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” by Dr. Kevin Leman. More on that in a later Blog.

I think it is great that churches are choosing to speak up on this topic of sex. Many churches are addressing this and exposing the truth about sex. I am thankful that NewPointe is one of them.

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Peace and War

I love meeting with people and talking about life, relationships, leadership and spiritual stuff. When I meet with people I always have a goal. I either am trying to learn and grow myself, by asking questions and picking up nuggets that can help me become a better person, or I am meeting with someone to help them grow and stretch. I do like to just hang out sometimes, just to be with friends and have fun.

Recently I met with a friend that has really challenged me to read more. He is so passionate about reading and growing as a leader, that it has helped me to get back on track in my own reading plan. He gave me two books to check out. I have started both of them, but the one has been profound for me. I am about half way through this book and it has really spoken to me about relationships and why we do what we do.

Part of my job is to help people in their relationships. Sometimes that is counseling married couples or engaged couples. Sometimes it is listening to friends that are going through tough times. Sometimes it is a divorced person struggling with being single. Other times it is family relationships that are splintered. I deal with and interact with many broken, hurting relationships.

This book hit on a part of relationships that I have observed to be very true. The book is called “The Anatomy of Peace – Resolving the heart of conflict” by the Arbinger Institute. I won’t get into a lot of detail on this book, but I want to share the general concept that I have learned from reading this so far.

The book tells a story about families that have come to an agency for help with their unruly, difficult children. The two leader’s of this agency are very different, yet very much alike. One is Jewish and one is Muslim (that is interesting in itself). The first part of the book deals mostly with the parents and not the teenagers. The parents sit around in a circle and talk. The two leaders dig in and challenge their way of thinking.

What comes out of this time together is a profound truth; the most important factor in helping your relationships go right is the state of your heart. If you have a broken or struggling relationship with a child, parent, spouse, co-worker, neighbor, boss or employee, you need to ask yourself this question; is my heart at peace or at war with this person? That’s right, in the deepest part of your heart, what do you believe about that person and how do you view them? Do you see them as inferior, weak, egotistic, selfish, ugly, rebellious?

From my years of listening to troubled relationships, I must say that most of the time their hearts were at war. When your heart is at war you tend to see the other person as an object or an obstacle to your goal. You don’t see yourself on the same team, but opposite sidelines. When your heart is at peace you tend to see the other person as a person, a soul that matters just as much as you do. A person with feelings, emotions and a heart.

The greatest example I can think of is Jesus. He had a heart of peace toward everyone. He saw every person as a person that mattered. He saw people that were lost and without a shepherd. His heart longed for them and that helped him to minister to people that no one else cared about. He noticed the sick, the outcasts, the slaves and the children. Even the very people that killed him, he was at peace in his heart with them.

You see, your behaviors come from your heart. Your behavior toward a person comes from the beliefs you hold about them. This could be very subtle attitudes that they pick up on. A heart at war will bring out words and actions that hurt and destroy. A heart at peace will bring out words and actions that encourage and lift up.

So ask yourself how your heart is toward that person that has come to your mind as you read this. Is your heart at war? Are you on opposite sides lobbing hand grenades at each other? Or is your heart at peace, and even though you may have been hurt, you still see them as a person? When you see people as objects that are inferior to you, that is an act of war. It leads to battles, not dialog. It leads to wounds not healing.

If you want your marriage to change, then you need to change your heart. If you want your relationship with your children to change then you need to change your heart attitude toward them. If you want to change your workplace, then you need to change your heart toward the people you work with.

How’s your heart these days?

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Relationships Matter

I just finished reading a great book by a pastor friend of mine, Bruce Hamsher. It is called “Bouquets – Intentional Relationships in Making Disciples”. The idea of the book is that we are an aroma to the people around us. We can either be like a bouquet of flowers or something else that does not smell good.

It was a great read for me because it reminded me how important relationships are. First and foremost our relationship with Jesus needs to keep growing. Bruce talked about baby Christians needing to get fed, but as we grow, we are able to feed ourselves. And as we mature, we can feed others. To mature in our relationship with Jesus Christ, we need to do what He taught. We need to put into action the things we have learned. When you do something it shows that you have learned it and taken it to heart.

Being intentional about investing in people is what God has called us to do. Being aware of those around us that we can be an encouragement to or that we can comfort or that we can pray for.

I hope that I can be a giver of Bouquets to the people around me, how about you?

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Great Conversations

One of the things I love about my job, is that I get to have conversations with a wide variety of people. I get to hear their stories of things that are happening in their lives. Every once in a while I get into what I call “Great conversations”. It is during those conversations that I am inspired, challenged, motivated and encouraged.

This week I had a couple of great conversations. One was with a small group leader in our church. He is very passionate about growing as a leader and has been devouring leadership type books. I gave him a new one by John Maxwell called Leadership Gold. We have been exchanging books and CD’s lately and talking about leadership, relationships and life in general. I think it was a great conversation, because we were talking about real stuff, not just superficial things.

When I finish a great conversation I am energized and ready to go. I hope that after someone talks with me that they are energized as well. All of us have conversations almost every day. How often do you get to talk about things that energize and invigorate you? Which leads me to the question of what does energize and invigorate you? What are you passionate about? If you can’t think of anything, that could be a warning sign that you are stuck.

Last night at the iMarriage class at NewPointe Community Church the instructor talked about stinking thinking. The wrong way we think and how that leads to conflict and problems in our marriages. It is easy to get into the habit of thinking negatively when mostly negative stuff is happening around us. Even when lots of positive things are going on we tend to notice and focus on the negative, especially in our closest relationships. Sometimes we miss the amazing things around us. We miss out on those great conversations or we miss the beautiful scenery God created. What we think about and focus on tends to direct our behavior.

When was the last time you had a great conversation about something meaningful? Often times we miss those opportunities because we don’t take the time or make ourselves available. In that marriage class I am participating inh we ask all the couples to have a marriage staff meeting once per week for 30 minutes to one hour. Unfortunately many couples are too busy to ever have a great conversation. Life gets in the way of intimacy. You can stop that cycle by simply scheduling time together, whether it is your spouse or a friend. If you are intentional in your relationships great conversations can happen.

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Loneliness

I meet with, and talk to a lot of people. Some are married, some are single, some divorced, some separated. I have been hearing a similar theme with many of the people I have been talking to lately. Words like frustration, emptiness and loneliness. As I began to think about this and read about loneliness, I soon discovered that this is a widespread problem in our society.

Loneliness comes in many forms and they all can be very painful. The death of a spouse or close family member can leave you feeling lonely. A separation or a divorce or even a broken engagement can create intense feelings of loneliness. An inability to initiate or maintain healthy relationships as a single person can also create deep loneliness. Even a married person can experience deep loneliness, especially if they are have marriage problems.

Our world today also makes it very easy to be independent and alone which can create feelings of loneliness. We can do most things in the privacy of our homes and seldom have close contact with other people.

So what do you do if you are experiencing this thing called loneliness?

Loneliness started way back when Adam & Eve sinned. They had a perfect environment and a perfect relationship with God. They had no loneliness or fear. After they sinned their relationship with God was broken and they began to experience fear and loneliness. This has continued throughout history and is still a big problem today.

I believe there are three things that can help fight against this feeling of emptiness and loneliness. We talk about these three things a lot where I work (Newpointe Community Church).

The first thing is building intimacy with God. Deepening your relationship with God and living a life of worship is the first step needed to combat loneliness. To become intimate with someone you must spend time with them and get to know their heart. The more you do that with God, the more He fills the void or emptiness you are feeling. As you begin to understand how God sees you and how much He loves you, your needs for acceptance, security and significance are met. Often times as we get off track with God, we become more depressed and lonely. We begin to focus on the problems and feelings instead of spending more time with God. It is easy to get distracted in this area of our lives when we are hurting.

The second thing is to get involved in community. We were created for relationships and often that is missing in our lives. We all crave community, close friendships and a place were people know us. It is very easy to isolate ourselves and not take the step or risk of community. My church is made up of many small groups. People that get together on a regular basis and have fun together, talk together, eat together, pray together and study together. Most people don’t have five close friends, they are lucky to have one. To combat loneliness you need to get involved in community.

The third thing is to have influence in your world. What I mean by that is to serve. When you use your God-given abilities and gifts to help other people it fills some of that emptiness as well. By giving something back to your church, community, neighbors or strangers you get so much more in return.

Using your influence also means sharing your story with other people. The things you have experienced and gone through can often times help someone else make it through a similar experience. Those two things; serving/volunteering and sharing your life story are huge in fighting loneliness.

Loneliness would want you to sit at home and think you have nothing to offer the world. To think that you can’t make a difference and things can’t get any better. Those are lies, the truth is you can make a difference and you do have something to offer. Intimacy with God, Involvement in Community and Influence in your world are all important and needed to overcome loneliness and emptiness.

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Relationships Matter

I did a funeral today and it was different from most of the funerals I normally do. The husband wanted to talk about his wife and share some stories with the family and friends that came.

What was really interesting was he talked for about 30 minutes and most of the time he was talking about relationships. He talked about how family and friends came to visit while she was sick. He talked about a few in particular that stood out to him. One woman that he used to work with, really impacted this couple. This young woman was at the funeral and the husband told a story about how God brought her into their lives because God knew they would need her support. She went to visit his wife several times and was the only one with him when the doctor came to say she had passed away.

This woman was a Christian and was reaching out with compassion to a hurting family. The impact she had will never be fully known until we get to heaven. She was being Jesus to this couple.

It made me think about how important our relationships are and how important it is to care for each other. None of us know how much time we have, so it is so important to cherish and nurture our relationships. You could tell that this man really cared about his wife and he was grateful for all the others that cared about her as well.

We need to keep our eyes open for opportunities to be Jesus to someone like this young woman did with this family. All it took was taking the time to go. She went to visit, she took the time to sit with someone that was hurting. She paid attention. As a result this man is now seeing God a a whole new way. He is much closer to God as a result of this woman investing in their lives.

How many times do we miss an opportunity that God puts in front of us because we are so busy with our own lives. After hearing this man speak I once again understand why we stress being involved in community so much at NewPointe Community Church. Doing life alone is very hard and painful. Having a support system and friends to lean on is an incredible thing.

I can’t emphasize enough how important community is. You need to take a risk and get involved in a small group of some sorts. At the end of your life you will look back and remember the relationships, the people that you spent time with and built friendships with. You will share story after story about the people in your life.

Relationships matter!

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Marriage Problems?

Today I spent time talking with four different men about marriage and relationship problems. All of these guys are struggling with their marriages. One just finalized his divorce, another has a divorce pending and the other two are trying to make it work.

Why is marriage so hard? I know there are many more out there that are having significant problems in their marriage. The statistics show that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. It really doesn’t make much difference if you are a Christian or not. The rate of divorce is just as high.

So what is going on and how can you divorce proof your marriage?

Here are a few free thoughts:

* Start with a good foundation. Couples that go through a pre-marital mentoring program reduce their risk of divorce by nearly 75%. A good mentoring program will help to bring to the surface issues that you have not talked about or that you are in disagreement over. It allows you to think about and talk about these differences before you get married. It helps you to understand what it takes to make a marriage work by spending time with a healthy married couple. It is life buying insurance for your marriage.

* If you’re already married and having some difficulties, invest in your marriage. We spend a lot of money on our homes, cars, clothes and other stuff. Why not spend some money on your marriage. Some ways to do that are going to a marriage retreat or seminar, you can buy a book on marriage and read it together, you can go see a Christian counselor, you can buy Cd’s or DVDs about marriage. My point is that you need to invest time and money, if you want your marriage to improve.

* Get involved in a small group. Life change happens best in a small group environment. Find a group of other couples that you can connect with, pray with and learn from. You could also do a women’s group or men’s group to build friendships and have some accountability. When we are struggling we often think we are the only ones and we tend to isolate ourselves. In a small group you soon find out that no one has it all together. You can encourage each other and care for each other.

* The most significant thing you can do to divorce proof your marriage is to pray together. The statics show that couples that pray together on a regular basis reduce their risk of divorce by over 90%. Wow, I learned that from a DVD training I have been studying and it really blew me away. Most Christian couples do not pray together. When you pray with each other it builds spiritual intimacy and helps you become one flesh.

How do you start praying together? One simple thing you can do is to hold hands and pray silently for each other or for whatever is going on in your lives and then squeeze each others hand when you are done. Simple, safe and a great way to strengthen your marriage.

* Another simple and effective way to improve your marriage is to read the book of Proverbs together. Read one chapter a day for 31 days and meet to talk about what you are reading either every day or at least every three days. If you do that diligently you will see a drastic improvement in your marriage.

If you work as hard on your marriage relationship as you do your work or hobbies you will see significant improvement in a short period of time.