Character – Page 10 – Chad Stutzman

January 2, 2014May 30, 2016

The Six Core Competencies of an Effective Leader

There are many competencies that are needed to be effective and just having these 6 does not mean you don’t have or need others. I have identified 17 that I try to work on and develop in myself. However, these six are the ones that I have identified as critical for leaders to have for long-lasting, high level leadership success.

The best leaders are people that work on developing themselves. This takes self-awareness to know what skills they need to work on to go to a new level of leadership. It’s similar in marriage or parenting, taking responsibility for yourself and working on your own issues and building on your strengths leads to better relationships.

I am a campus pastor for a church that currently has five campuses. I have been with this church for over thirteen years and previous to that I was a manager in the business of banking and accounting for 15 years. These competencies are important for mid-level to executive level leaders. I have tried to define each in practical ways so that you can evaluate yourself on how you are doing with that particular competency.

Here they are:

Accountability

Defines objectives and strategies to meet customer/member requirements and organizational goals and objectives.
Manages performance to achieve expected results.
Keeps informed of performance through face-to-face meetings, written communications, analytical reports, and performance measures.
Keeps supervisor informed of progress, issues, and potential problems.
Maintains a cost/effective balance of controls and risk-taking to ensure effective and efficient operation within budget.
Identifies and addresses areas of weakness that may affect organizational performance.
Freely shares information with team members and superiors
Takes full responsibility for results.

Building Trust

Communicates an understanding of the other person’s interests, needs and concerns.
Makes and meets commitments that contribute to addressing the other person’s interests, needs, and concerns.
Takes time to get to know people and genuinely cares about them.
Identifies and communicates shared interests and goals.
Identifies and communicates differences as appropriate.
Addresses perceived harm to the other person by fully acknowledging any harm done, clarifying intentions, and finding a suitable remedy that affirms the value of the relationship.
Is quick to admit mistakes and errors.
Asks for and gives forgiveness.
Uses a win-win approach to resolving conflicts or conducting negotiations.
Develops, maintains, and strengthens partnerships with others inside or outside the organization who can provide information, assistance, and support.
Demonstrates honesty, keeps commitments and behaves in a consistent manner.
Shares thoughts, feelings, and rationale so that others understand personal positions.
Remains open to others’ ideas and opinions even when they conflict with their own.

Developing/Coaching Others

Clarifies responsibilities, authority, and expectations.
Provides timely guidance and feedback to help staff accomplish a task or solve a problem.
Provides guidance in how to strengthen knowledge and skills to improve personal and organizational performance.
Provides new assignments and experiences to develop the employee’s capability.
Communicates clearly & effectively and develops subordinates.
Conducts performance appraisal and feedback on a regular basis.
Provides helpful, behaviorally specific feedback to others.
Works with employee behavior problems.
Shares information, advice, and suggestions to help others to be more successful.
Gives people assignments that will help develop their abilities.
Regularly meets with employees/leaders to review their development progress.
Recognizes and reinforces people’s developmental efforts and improvements.
Expresses confidence in others’ ability to be successful.
Helps others learn new systems, processes, or programs.
Collaboratively works with direct reports to set meaningful performance objectives and then holds them accountable.

Emotional Intelligence

Demonstrates an ability to control and filter emotions in a constructive way.
Exhibits consideration of the feelings of others when/before taking action.
Demonstrates recognition of the various psychological and emotional needs of people.
Expresses feelings clearly and directly.
Understands ones own fears and unhealthy emotions
Is willing to get help when needed.
Exhibits humility and persistence.
Balances feelings with reason, logic, and reality.
Demonstrates an appreciation of the differences in how others feel about things.

Establishing Focus/Setting Direction

Acts to align own campus/department goals with the strategic direction of the organization.
Ensures that people in the campus/department understand how their work relates to the organization’s mission.
Ensures that everyone understands and identifies with the overall mission and values.
Ensures that the campus/department develops goals and a plan to help fulfill the organization’s mission.
Uses effective techniques to define outcomes and expectations.
Clearly identifies the target and then sets objectives to focus on.
Sets goals for self, campus/department and expects the same from all direct reports.
Reviews those goals and objectives in regular one-on-one meetings with direct reports.

Interpersonal Skills

Considers and responds appropriately to the needs, feelings, and capabilities of different situations.
Relates well with others.
Maintains confidentiality.
Is likeable and approachable.
Communicates in a clear way.
Demonstrates consistency and fairness.
Anticipates and resolves confrontations, disagreements, and complaints in a win-win way.
Is tactful, compassionate and sensitive, and treats others with respect
Provides timely and honest feedback in a constructive and non-threatening way.
Listens with the intent of trying to understand before being understood.

Lead On

December 27, 2013

Leadership Lids

LEADERSHIP LIDS

Every leader has lids on his life. The issue is never whether you have lids. The issue is what you are going to do about them.

Lids that limited us:

Fear
Impatience
Denial
Impulsiveness
Deceit
Jealousy
Anger

Most of these have to do with character. If you are more concerned about keeping up appearances than cleaning up your character these lids can limit you.

Lids that did not limit us:

Family
Leaders
Background
Youthfulness
Inexperience

What lids exist in your life?

What character flaws do you have?

What is your attitude toward those lids?

Are you taking responsibility for lifting them?

Are you willing to allow someone else help you lift them

December 21, 2013December 21, 2013

Three Things Great Leaders Do

For the past 15 years I have been focused on growing myself and others in faith, character and leadership. Those three areas of my life are guiding lights for how I approach life. I have made a lot of mistakes over those years, yet I keep coming back to those three things.

As I reflect on leadership here are three things I believe we must be committed to in order to lead well. Whether you are a parent, spouse, employee, employer, student, teacher, athlete, coach, artist, musician, or just a friend, you are a leader. If you have influence with anyone else then you are a leader.

Leading is not easy, because in order to lead you need to have influence. In order to have influence you need to have a vision of where you want to go or the way you want things to be. If you want to increase your influence and leadership in this next year then these are some things you will need to do:

Leadership means you are willing to get uncomfortable – In order to grow you have to get out of your comfortable surroundings and stretch yourself. When was the last time you did something that made you sweat? Where you felt you were out of your element and in new air. It is in those moments that we grow, stretch and discover new ground in our leadership. It’s where we can learn from mistakes and expand our perspective.
Leadership also means you should be dissatisfied with where things are at – As a leader you need to be pushing for improvement, a better way, greater things. You should be dissatisfied about how the world is, how people are treated. Don’t get me wrong you also need to be content with what you have and be thankful for the many blessings you have in your life. But you also need a passion to see things better than they are today.
Leadership is also about disruption – A leader should never be satisfied with the status quo. You don’t change things just to change them you change things to improve and get to a higher, better place. It starts with leading yourself and disrupting your habits and negative patterns. It’s saying no some good things in order to get the best things. It pushing for what is right and best for the world around you.

The best leaders do all of this with humility and persistence.

So what are you doing to get uncomfortable? What are you dissatisfied about? What do you need to disrupt in your life or the lives of those you lead? That is how Jesus leads us. When he wants us to grow he brings discomfort, dissatisfaction and disruption. Jesus is the greatest leader ever, so let’s follow his example. If you don’t believe me just read about him in the Bible. Lead On.

December 13, 2013

Keys to Excellence

My first job was pumping gas, servicing cars and repairing tires at a local gas station. That’s were I learned how to make change without a cash register and how to fix a flat tire. My second job was at a local meat packing company. I was the clean up guy and had to dismantle and clean all the machines they used to process meat. That is where I learned how to have a system and follow a process in cleaning the plant. I also learned how to work alone and to not cut corners. I learned that people were counting on me to do my job so that they can do their job when they showed up in the morning.

My next job was at a local cheese manufacturing and retail business. I learned a lot working there, things like retail sales strategies, inventory control and customer service. I learned how to cut cheese samples and set up displays. I even got into some construction by helping to remodel an apartment for one of the children of the owner. During that time I got to interact with subcontractors and did work like drywall, floor tile, and general construction. I learned about working hard and doing it right the first time.

Soon after that I went to college and then started my career in banking. I started as an internal auditor for a Savings & Loan in Wooster Ohio. That was my first exposure to corporate America. I learned to pay attention to detail as I had to audit every area of the company and make sure everything added up. I also learned how to set goals and work on projects and be a team player. I learned how to manage my time and finish what I started. I also learned how to cut costs and work within a budget. I learned how to show respect to my boss and follow direction.

My next job was at a local community bank as a loan officer. I was in my early 20’s and this was my first job where I got to directly interact with customers. I learned a lot about finances, balance sheets, financial statements and tax returns. I learned about risk and how to manage that. I learned how to read people and their character. I learned about customer service and how to win over potential new customers. I learned how to serve customers and make them want to continue to do business with us. I was promoted quickly to a branch manager and did all kinds of lending. I continued to learn about management, customer service, lending, community service and economic development. I developed a passion for developing leadership skills in myself and others.

After 12 years in the banking industry I transitioned into the accounting world with a regional accounting firm. They created a new department for me to run which focused on enhancing profits and adding value to their clients. I did a lot of training in customer service, leadership, management and strategic planning. I learned how to interact with business owners and CEO’s. I learned how to win friends and influence people. I learned how to lead groups of business people and do public speaking and presentations. I got even more involved in community organizations and public relations. I learned about marketing and sales and what it takes to run a business.

Then I took all that I had had learned in all of those jobs and went to work at a local church. Those experiences have helped to shape me into the leader I am today. The things I learned in the workplace have helped me to lead the local church and continue to influence people and impact our community. Here are some of the things I believe are vital to leading with excellence no matter where you are:

Value excellence and don’t settle for average
Pay attention to details and finish what you start
Remain committed to what really matters, keep first things first.
Display integrity and sound ethics because people are always watching
Show genuine respect for the people around you
Go the second mile, take the initiative if something needs to be done, don’t wait to be told.
Be clear when you communicate
Listen and then listen some more
Be consistent, show up and do your job well
Never stop improving or growing
Be flexible and open to new ideas and other ways to get things done.
Empower the people around you and mentor and coach them
Always give 100%

Leadership is all about influence and we are either gaining or declining in our influence. There are a lot of things that are out of our control, but the way in which you work and lead is within your control. So no matter where you are working, what are you learning and how are you growing.

December 5, 2013

How to Communicate with Difficult People

We all have people in our lives that are hard to get along with. It may be someone you work with, live beside or even live with. While we cannot change the other person or force them to treat you differently, you can change the way that you respond to them. You see, many times it’s the way we respond to bad behavior that drives even more bad behavior. This is hard to do because we all have emotions and sometimes those emotions can take over and take us down a path that causes more damage.

When we work on ourselves, we can change our attitude, our words and our non-verbal communication. Here is a simple communication rule that may help you make progress in those difficult relationships:

People who are hard to get along with allow their anger, frustration, insecurity and disappointment to drown out most everything good around them. The good news is that they don’t act that way all the time, even though it may seem that way. Eventually they’ll leave the safety of their negative emotions-even it’s only for a moment. They’ll do or say something nice, show concern, or offer to help with something. It is in those moments that you need to recognize their best. Let them know the good you see in them. Show them how much you care and how much they mean to you. When you look for and focus on the good in people, you help them to see what is possible in their lives. You give energy to what is right about them. Your love and attention creates an environment where they can choose to change and respond differently themselves.

It’s in those critical moments when they do something right that we can choose to be positive and re-enforce good behavior or be negative ourselves and destroy any glimmer of hope. Every person has some good in them, even though it may be buried deep inside them.

November 27, 2013March 30, 2023

The One Thing That Will Improve All Your Relationships

Relationships can be messy, difficult and yet incredibly rewarding.

There are many things that go into a healthy, vibrant relationship like marriage. But I believe there is one vital ingredient to a long-lasting, healthy relationship: Patience.

In Galatians 5:22 – as part of the fruit of the Spirit we find patience: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law”.

Then in 1 Corinthians 13:4 – “Love is patient…” The author Paul is talking about the true meaning of loving someone well and he starts with patience. In Galatians he is talking about evidence in our lives that we are growing spiritually, and right in the middle is patience.

So let’s take a closer look at patience:

Patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble or suffering, without getting angry or upset.

Wow, that is impossible, but incredibly powerful. Imagine if you could do that on a consistent basis. Your life would be less stressful, you would be healthier and your influence with other people would go up. So how do you do that?

Remind yourself that things take time. People who are impatient are people who insist on getting things done now and don’t like to waste time. However, some things just can’t be rushed. You have very little control over much in life. You can choose to be patient though.

Think about your happiest memories. Chances are, they were instances when your patience paid off, like when you worked steadily toward a goal that wasn’t immediately gratifying, or took a little extra time to spend leisurely with a loved one. Would you have those memories if you had been impatient? Probably not. Good things may not always come to those who wait, but most good things that do come don’t happen right away.
Remember what matters. Not focusing on what matters most in this life fuels impatience. Being kind, generous in forgiveness of others, being grateful for what is, and taking full advantage of what matters most helps you to be more patient. In other words don’t sweat the small stuff.

Work on having a positive outlook in life – Being positive is imperative to possessing a sense of patience. Believing the best about a person helps you be more patient and loving. Remember that relationships are not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way. If your naturally negative it will take more work to be patient, but it can change your life.

Expect the unexpected. Yes, you have plans, but things don’t always work out as planned. Accept the twist and turns in life gracefully. Keep your expectations realistic. This applies not only to circumstances, but also the behavior of those around you.

Stop holding yourself and the world around you to unattainable standards. Sure, we’d all be more patient if he would always listen, she would stop complaining, traffic flowed smoothly, and people didn’t make stupid decisions – but that’s never going to happen. Expecting the world to run smoothly is like beating your head against the wall. Give yourself and others a break!

The Benefits of Developing Patience

Reduces stress levels and makes you a happier, healthier person. When you learn and practice patience you don’t get as stressed or overwhelmed. You are more in control of your emotions and in a better position to deal with difficult situations with ease and poise.

Results in better decision-making When you’re patient you take the time to assess the situation, see the big picture, and weigh any pros and cons. The chances of making a big mistake lessen because you avoid making it in haste. Taking the time to problem solve and work out our conflicts requires patience and deliberation.

Helps develop understanding, empathy and compassion. You are automatically more understanding and compassionate with others when you yourself are patient. Patient people take the time to process what they go through and are able to determine what it takes to overcome obstacles so they are more understanding of others. This results in better, more fulfilling relationships with spouses, friends, children and bosses.

Helps you understand and appreciate the process of growth. As mentioned earlier anything worthwhile takes time and effort to achieve. Planning, growth, evaluation and measurement all take time, and taking time takes patience. Just like a gardener has to be patient for things in the garden to grow, so we need to be patient with the people around us.

Tips on How to Develop Patience

Take a day where you make patience your goal for the entire day. Make a concerted effort to take your time and think about everything you do, be mindful and live in the moment. At the end of the day, observe all the ways in which you’ve made smarter decisions, got along better with others and actually understood what took place. Learn to do it on a daily basis. Developing patience is much like physical exercise because it requires persistence and effort.
Slow down. If you have the tendency to rush around and try to hurry things up, want things done immediately and can’t wait for things to take their natural course, STOP. Take several deep breaths before you act or make a move. For example, if you’re in a long lineup at the grocery store or in heavy traffic, make the decision to pause and not get worked up. Talk to God, listen to the radio, or just enjoy the view. Getting impatient won’t make things move along any faster, so why get worked up for nothing?
Practice delaying gratification. Instead of escaping to your familiar thing like watching TV, working out, reading, shopping, drinking or eating, work on the real issues and resolve conflict first.
Practice thinking before you speak. At times we blurt out the first thought that comes into our heads without considering the consequences. If we’re patient, pause and go over what we want to say, we can avoid hurting or offending others.

None of this is possible on a consistent basis without including God. On our own we will fall short every time, yet we can plug into the power of God. So in those moments when you do not want to be patient, a quick prayer asking for help can change everything.

One last thing, when someone is mistreating you or abusing you, patience should only apply with how you respond. Not responding in a way that fuels the fire. You should never simply take abuse. Setting boundaries and consequences is important in those situations. If your in an abusive relationship go get help and set clear boundaries.

November 14, 2013

Four Ways to Devlop Your Character & Succeed in Life

Here are four ways develop your character:

Never let life’s difficulties surprise you – hardship, disappointments and struggles are inevitable. Bad things happen because this is not heaven. However, they are the rule, not the exceptions of life. So the important thing is to make sure your expectations are realistic and not idealistic. When hardships come you will be better prepared to respond in a way that helps instead of hurts.
Keep a positive perspective – Your perspective depends on what your focus is on. When you focus on problems and your current situation you will tend to be more negative, fearful and hurt. When you focus on your faith, character, integrity, loving God and other people, you will tend to be much more positive and joyful no matter what is happening around you.
When you face challenges, pray first – Pray for help, pray for protection, pray for wisdom, pray for strength, pray for God to intervene. Keep your prayers short, specific and spontaneous. Pray throughout the day, before you have the conversation, before you walk in the door and before you let your emotions take over.
Be humble enough to allow accountability in your life – None of us is totally self-sufficient. You will grow more when you allow some people to get close enough to you to really know you, not just on the surface. Pride will keep you from admitting your weaknesses, asking for help and making changes in your life. A humble person is a strong person, a self-aware person, and a person others want to be around. If you don’t have anyone you can open up to start asking God to help make that happen.

Developing your character takes courage to face your strongholds, habits and hang-ups. It’s hard to do but the rewards are huge. Lead on.

November 6, 2013

Feeling Stuck in Your Faith?

One of the promises in the Bible is found in Joshua 1:5 “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Author Graham Cooke talks about this promise in his booklet called Drawing Close: See God’s Face and be Changed Forever. He says this:

“God likes to hide-in fact He invented the game Hide & Seek. In certain seasons, He will reveal Himself to us; in others, He will hide from us. God only hides because He wants to teach us to look for Him. We all want Him to be manifest in our lives, all the time, but God sometimes wants to hide and draw us deeper into his presence. If God is hiding from us-but He also promised never to leave nor forsake us-we can extrapolate one thing: God is hiding in plain sight, teaching us to look for Him in a different way. God is unpredictable but completely consistent. We always know where we are with God because He never changes, but we seldom know what He’s going to do next. Go will push us into places where we are not equipped to be. To survive and flourish there, we have but one choice: Seek God in a place of rest. Let Him carry us forward. God hasn’t called us to do the reasonable, the possible or the attainable. He has called us to do the outrageously impossible.”

That challenged me in a fresh way today as I read it. When God feels distant and we feel alone, we aren’t. He is right there in plain site patiently waiting for us to discover Him in a different way. He is constantly active in our lives, whether He is pushing us into a place we are not equipped to be or patiently waiting for us to open our eyes.

I love the thought that God hides so that we can seek Him and find Him in a fresh way. To me this speaks of being active in my faith. Not staying comfortably inside my box but pushing forward through barriers and obstacles. I love that last line about God not calling us to the reasonable, the possible or the attainable but the outrageously impossible. It’s only then that we can say Only God could have made that happen. Those are the times that we grow the most and our faith is increased.

If you are feeling stuck in your faith maybe it’s time to look for God in a different way. Start praying and asking God to show you that new way and then pay attention and be ready to get out of your box.

October 31, 2013July 15, 2017

Are You A Servant Leader?

Leadership is one of those things that people have a lot of opinions about. There are a lot of books, articles, podcasts and teaching about leadership. Yet this idea of servant leadership is still difficult for many people in our culture to grasp. It does not come naturally to most leaders and cannot be implemented simply by studying the ideas. Most leaders really grasp these concepts of leadership when they have a belief and personal relationship with the ultimate leader of all time Jesus Christ. Serving others as a leader is no simple, easy task; yet this style of leadership builds great organizations, teams and families.

In 1977 Robert Greenleaf coined this term and wrote a lot about it. Since then many others have addressed this radically different style of leadership. Larry C. Spears wrote about ten characteristics of a servant leader and John Barbuto Jr and David Wheeler added one more characteristic in their article entitled Becoming A Servant Leader: Do You Have What It Takes? These characteristics describe servant leadership and are a great lesson for all leaders to look to if we want to improve our influence and effectiveness.

So here they are:

· Having a Calling

· Listening

· Empathy

· Healing

· Awareness

· Persuasion

· Conceptualization

· Foresight

· Stewardship

· Growth

· Building Community

Calling – Do people believe that you are willing to sacrifice self- interest for the good of the group? Servant leaders have a natural desire to serve others. This notion of having a calling to serve is deeply rooted and value-based. Servant leaders have a desire to make a difference for other people and will pursue opportunities to impact others’ lives — never for their own gain. A servant leader is willing to sacrifice self-interests for the sake of others. This characteristic cannot be taught, so unless a person has a natural calling to serve, servant leadership is not a realistic or compatible style.

Listening – Do people believe that you want to hear their ideas and will value them? Servant leaders are excellent listeners. They are receptive and genuinely interested in the views and input of others. People instinctively understand that servant leaders want them to share their ideas and that these ideas will be valued. Listening is a skill that can be learned and is essential for those who desire to be a servant leader. Without good listening skills, many of the other characteristics described in this publication cannot be achieved.

Empathy – Do people believe that you will understand what is happening in their lives and how it affects them? Servant leaders can “walk in others’ shoes.” They understand and empathize with others’ circumstances and problems. Leaders who are empathetic have earned confidence from others by understanding whatever situation is being faced. This characteristic is a skill that comes more naturally to some people than others, but it is pertinent for all who aspire to be a servant leader.

Healing – Do people come to you when the chips are down or when something traumatic has happened in their lives? Servant leaders are people who others want to approach when something traumatic has happened. They have developed a remarkable appreciation for the emotional health and spirit of others. They are good at facilitating the healing process and others gravitate toward them when emotional needs arise. The ability to create an environment that encourages emotional mending is crucial for those who want to become great servant leaders.

Awareness – Do others believe you have a strong awareness for what is going on? Servant leaders have a keen sense for what is happening around them. They are always looking for cues from the environment to inform their opinions and decisions. They know what’s going on and will rarely be fooled by appearances. This skill is crucial to the development of servant leaders.

Persuasion – Do others follow your requests because they want to or because they believe they “have to?” Servant leaders seek to convince others to do things rather than relying on formal authority. They are naturally very persuasive and offer compelling reasons when they make requests. They never force others to do things. This ability is important for servant leaders to develop.

Conceptualization – Do others communicate their ideas and vision for the organization when you are around? Servant leaders nurture the ability to conceptualize the world, events and possibilities. They encourage others to dream great dreams and avoid getting bogged down by day-to-day realities and operations. They foster an environment that encourages thinking big and valuing the creative process. Those who want to be great servant leaders must develop an environment that fosters conceptualization.

Foresight – Do others have confidence in your ability to anticipate the future and its consequences? Servant leaders have an uncanny ability to anticipate future events. This is not to say they are psychic or always right, but they are adept at picking up patterns in the environment and seeing what the future will bring. They usually anticipate consequences of decisions with great accuracy. Those who want to be successful servant leaders need to have and develop this foresight.

Stewardship – Do others believe you are preparing the organization to make a positive difference in the world? Servant leaders often are characterized by a strong sense of stewardship. Stewardship stems from medieval times when a steward would be assigned to hone the skills and development of the young prince to prepare him for his reign. The kingdom relied on the steward to teach and hold the prince in trust so that he would be a successful king. Today the term stewardship involves many of the same things. A steward in an organization is responsible for preparing it for its destiny, usually for the betterment of society. When we describe a leader as having a strong sense of stewardship, we refer to a desire to prepare the organization to contribute to the greater good of society — not unlike preparing the prince to serve the greater good of the kingdom. Making a positive difference in the future is characteristic of the stewardship mentality. Those who desire to be excellent servant leaders need to have a natural sense of stewardship. If you don’t naturally have a stewardship perspective, it is unlikely that the servant leadership style will come naturally to you.

Growth – Do people believe that you are committed to helping them develop and grow? Servant leaders have a strong commitment to the growth of people. They believe that all people have something to offer beyond their tangible contributions. Servant leaders work hard to help people in a number of ways — spiritually, professionally, personally. Those who want to be great servant leaders need to connect to others’ developmental needs and actively find ways to meet these needs.

Building Community – Do people feel a strong sense of community in the organization that you lead? Servant leaders have a strong sense of community spirit and work hard to foster it in an organization. They believe that an organization needs to function as a community. A servant leader instills a sense of community spirit in the workplace. Those who want to be great servant leaders need to work hard to build community in the organization.

Servant Leadership Development

Servant leadership is characterized by a belief that leadership development is an on-going, life-long learning process. For this reason, servant leaders commit to continual development in the 11 characteristics of servant leadership. Some characteristics come more naturally to some people than to others. By their nature, characteristics such as calling, empathy, healing and stewardship are more difficult to learn and develop than other servant leadership characteristics.

These are characteristics that leaders must already have to be successful servant leaders. Characteristics such as listening, awareness, persuasion, conceptualization, foresight, growth and building community all are learnable skills, so servant leaders can continually develop these. I encourage you to reflect and thoughtfully assess the degree to which you have what it takes to be a servant leader. If you are committed to being the best servant leader that you can be, I urge you to continuously work to develop these characteristics.

October 10, 2013

Refocus Your Relationships

Last night I taught a class called Refocus Your Marriage. Really it could be called Refocus Your Relationships. I thought I would share a few of the opening comments I shared with that group.

Here are three important truths to remember:

You are made for relationships – We are made to need relationships. We all have three primary types of relationships: With others, with ourselves and with God. Each of those areas needs our attention and development.
You are made with the capacity to Choose – God gave each of us the power to choose. Choice equals change. Making a choice is often difficult because it requires change, and that change can be threatening. We choose how we react to everything around us. We choose the thoughts we have and those thoughts lead to emotions and behaviors. So in essence we can control our emotions and behaviors by the way in which we think.
You are made to take responsibility for yourself – The only thing you have control over is yourself. You get to choose how you think, what you think, what you say and what you do. When you start to focus on yourself and how you can grow and change you will begin to make progress in your relationships.

I want to introduce you to the emotion that destroys relationships. This has been going on for thousands of years since the beginning with Adam & Eve. It has been destroying relationships and people very effectively. At the core of every person is a button called fear. That fear takes many shapes, things like fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, you name it.

From where does this fear come from? Let’s take a look at the creation story with fresh eyes Genesis 2:17 – After God created Adam & Eve, he informed them about two special trees blossoming in the middle of the garden: The tree of life and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Regarding the first he gave no commandment. But the second he said “you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die.”

Why did God create a perfect garden and then put these two trees right in the middle? Why not outside the garden? I think it was because he created us to depend on him, not living an autonomous life apart from him. He gave that command to not eat of the tree so that we wouldn’t become self-sustaining and insist on stubborn control of our own lives. He wanted us to daily choose to trust Him for everything we need.

I believe that command created a healthy fear in Adam & Eve, the fear of being separated from God. It also created a fear of losing each other as well. Well along comes Satan, or the Serpent and he plays on this fear. “Did God really say, You must not eat from any tree in the garden?” Eve replies exactly what God told them, we can eat from any tree in the garden except the tree in the middle of the garden, you must not touch it or you will die.

“You will not surely die, serpent said to the woman. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, knowing good and evil. My guess is that Eve thought that her fear of being separated from God was not true and therefore took the fruit. This caused a whole new fear to take root. This fear was unhealthy and destructive. When Adam & Eve heard God walking in the garden they hid, because they were afraid. There fear caused them to respond in a certain way. After eating the fruit their response became unhealthy, defensiveness, blaming others.

Our relationships are much the same way. We all have hurts from our past or guilt from us hurting someone else. Those hurts and guilt drive the fear that drives our unhealthy behaviors. That causes us to struggle to have healthy, happy relationships. To learn more about this idea of fear and relationships read the book by Gary Smalley called “The DNA of Relationships”.