Category: Character

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Fear Not

 

Why are you so afraid?  Jesus spoke those words to his followers after he calmed a storm.  It’s a question he is still asking all of us.  Why are you so afraid?  Do you still have no faith?

Here is what was happening at that time.  Jesus had been building his ministry and had attracted many people.  He had just spent most of the day teaching the people gathered about the Kingdom of God.  He was teaching in stories, and many of the people had trouble understanding the stories and their full meaning.  He would always take time to fully explain his stories to his closest followers.  The Bible tells us that when he was alone with his own disciples, he explained everything.

So after a day of teaching and then explaining the teaching in simple terms to his disciples, he said to his disciples “Let’s go over the other side.”  So off they go to cross the Sea of Galilee.  This sea is known for having violent and unexpected storms.  When the storm hit, these seasoned fishermen panicked, thinking the storm was going to sink the boats and they would drown.  This was no ordinary storm it was bigger than any of them had experienced before.  As this storm began, Jesus was sleeping.  He was tired from a long day of teaching.

Jesus knew this storm was coming, yet he chose to go to sleep.  That really bothered his followers.  How could he sleep at a time like this!

They finally woke him up and said; don’t you care if we drown?

Does any of this sound familiar?  Our lives are full of unexpected violent storms.  It often feels like Jesus is sleeping and does not care that we are in this sorm.  We feel like we need to cry out and wake him up.  We want him to keep us safe and take the storm away.

The disciples knew who Jesus was, they believed what he was teaching them, yet they underestimated his power.  They did not fully trust that he would not let them drown.  We often get spiritual amnesia and don’t remember all the things God has done for us and how He has helped us in the past.

 We are the same way, we believe in God and may even have read and studied what he has to teach us; yet we don’t fully trust him with the storms that come up in our lives.  We often equate our lives being out of control as God not being able to control.

Think about the storms in your life-the situations that cause you great anxiety.  Whatever your difficulty or challenge, you have two options:

  • You can worry and assume that Jesus no longer cares like the disciples did.
  • Or, you can resist that fear, and trust that God is in control and He will guide you through the storm.

The difference is where we keep our focus – on the problem or on God.

We too often try to take control of the ship and fix things on our own.  When we do that and exclude God, he patiently waits for us to come to him and trust him, to put our faith in him.

Here are two lessons we learn in life’s storms:

  • We need to fight fear with fear.  Fear of the Lord is the beginning of freedom.  When we have the right fear and reverence for God, we obey Him and our focus is in the right place.
  • You and I must remind ourselves who’s in the boat with us.  When God permits us to go through a life storm, it’s usually to show us that there is no problem he can’t solve.  There is no storm that is too big for him.

Traveling through these storms with Jesus in our boat strengthens our faith, develops our character and deepens our relationship with him.  That only happens when we completely trust him no matter what comes our way.  Even when we don’t understand why something is happening, God wants us to trust him and not be afraid.  When we try to lean on our own understanding we will fall down and miss what God has for us.

Proverbs 3:5-6 say “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Leaning means putting our full weight on him, resting on him without fear of falling.  God knows what is best for us, because he has a much bigger perspective than we do.

If you are in the middle of a life storm, know that Jesus is in the boat with you, or you can invite him into your boat.  Once there, he will never leave you, he will stick with you through the most violent storms imaginable.  Lean on him when you don’t know what your next move should be.  Trust God completely, he might not make the storm go away, but he will not let you drown.

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The Fear Factor in Relationships

 

None of us need new ways to screw up our relationships.  The way in which we mess things up is working just fine.  Most of us tend to fail in the same ways over and over again.  It is part of our hard wiring that has happened over our entire lives.  We have learned how to deal with pain, in mostly unhealthy ways.  At the core of our behaviors that cause problems in our lives is fear.  Fear is what drives us to do and say things that mess up our relationships.  These fears have been embedded in us over a long period of time and when certain buttons are pushed, the fear rises up and out rushes our response to the heat or pain we are experiencing.  Our emotions are an indicator of what is going on inside of us.  They are like warning lights that something is not right.  Fear will amplify those emotions to the point of no return.

So the question we need to ask ourselves is what do I do when I am afraid?  What is my typical reaction when my fear button gets pushed?  Here is a list of some of the most common unhealthy reactions we have:

  • Withdrawal – You avoid others or alienate yourself without resolution; you sulk or use the silent treatment
  • Escalation – Your emotions spiral out of control; you argue, raise your voice, fly into a rage
  • Try Harder – You try to do more to earn other’s love & care
  • Blaming – You place responsibility on others, not accepting fault; you’re convinced the problem is the other person’s fault
  • Exaggeration – You make overstatements or enlarge your words beyond the bounds or the truth
  • Denial – You refuse to admit the truth or reality
  • Defensiveness – Instead of listening, you defend yourself by providing an explanation
  • Passive-aggressive – You display negative emotions, resentment, and aggression in passive ways, such as procrastination and stubbornness
  • Complaining – You express unhappiness or make accusations; you criticize, creating a list of the other person’s faults
  • Anger and Rage – You display strong feelings of displeasure or violent and uncontrolled emotions
  • Humor – You use humor as a way of not dealing with the issue at hand
  • Sarcasm – You use negative humor, hurtful words, belittling comments, cutting remarks, or demeaning statements
  • Minimization – You assert that the other person is overreacting to an issue; you intentionally underestimate, downplay, or soft-pedal the issue
  • Rationalization – You attempt to make your actions seem reasonable; you try to attribute your behavior to credible motives; you try to provide believable but untrue reasons for your conduct

There are many more I could list, but I am sure there are several responses in here that we all can claim as to how we respond when the heat is turned up in our lives.  These responses usually bring the same results, however we continue to use them in our conflict situations, because we truly believe we are doing the right thing.  We are trying to get the other person to stop whatever behavior triggered the fear inside of us.  Unfortunately each of these reactions only tends to poke at the fear inside the other person, which causes them to respond in one of these ways as well.

So around we go doing this dysfunctional, awkward, relational dance with the people around us.  The fears we experience are a result of lies that we truly believe.  Some of the most common fears that cause these reactions are as follows:

  • Rejection – The other person doesn’t want me or need me; I am not necessary in this relationship; I feel unwanted
  • Disconnection – We will become emotionally detached or separated; I will feel cut off from the other person
  • Failure – I am not successful at being a husband/wife, friend, parent, coworker; I will not perform correctly; I will not live up to expectations; I am not good enough
  • Inadequate – I am not capable; I am incompetent
  • Invalidated – Who I am, what I think, what I do, or how I feel is not valued
  • Unloved – The other person doesn’t care about me; my relationship lacks warm attachment, admiration, enthusiasm, or devotion
  • Judged – I am always being unfairly judged; the other person forms faulty or negative opinions about me; I am always being evaluated; the other person does not approve of me.
  • Ignored – The other person will not pay attention to me; I feel neglected

There are many more fears as well, but again I think each of us can identify several fears we struggle with.  As we identify these fears and begin to understand the lie behind it and what is going on inside of us when these fears rise up, we can begin to change the way in which we choose to respond.  This is called self-awareness.

The best way in which to overcome these fears is by growing closer to God and fully understanding how only He can meet the deep emotional needs that we all have.  Our fears will never go away, but we can learn to turn to God when they pop up and lean on Him for the strength we need to respond in a healthy, humble way.  The best way to fight fear is with fear.  What I mean by that is when we have a healthy fear or reverence for God it helps us to have more courage in the face of the inner fears we have.  The fear of the Lord is what sets us free from the fear of man, finances, death, divorce and the future.

The Bible says that fear and love cannot cohabitate.  So when our hearts are filled with God’s love we have the power to react or respond in a different way.  We can hold our tongue, listen and try to understand, ask questions to clarify, wait for the right time to confront, seek help from others, admit our part, ask for forgiveness, grant forgiveness, use words that are positive and encouraging, use body language that is open and loving.  Fear is all about ourselves, while love is all about other people.  Fear is inward focused while love is outward focused.  Every time we face a fear we have an opportunity to trust God or trust ourselves.  When we trust God, even when we don’t know the outcome, we grow closer to Him and farther away from those fears.

So what is keeping you from surrendering everything to God and trusting Him?  What is keeping you from fearing God more than man?  What emotional wall are you hitting repeatedly that causes fear to rise up inside of you?  What reactions need to be changed in order to improve your relationships?

The list of reactions and fears came from Gary Smalley and his book – “The DNA of Relationships.”

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Are You A Worry Wart?

 

For most people worry is something that comes naturally.  We worry about deadlines, how to pay the bills, what other people think about us, our job security, our marriage, our children and their future.  Sometimes we worry about little things and sometimes we worry about big things, but the point is we all tend to worry.  A good definition of worry is negative focused thinking.  When we worry we are thinking in a negative way.  We go into the worse case scenario and often begin to spiral downward in our thinking.  The result of negative focused thinking is that our emotional and physical state is impacted in a negative way as well.

Jesus actually cautioned us against worrying about anything – even the food we eat or the clothes we wear.  In Matthew 6:25-34, Jesus gives us six reasons for trusting in God rather than  worrying.

  1. God Created Us – The same God who gives us the gift of life and created us as a unique human being will certainly supply the lesser things in life like food and clothing.
  2. God Cares For Us – If God cares for the birds and provides for their needs, why wouldn’t He care for and meet our needs as well.  God loves us more than we love our own children or grandchildren.  He loves us more than we love our parents or siblings.  He loves us more than we love our spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend.  Because of that deep love for us He cares about every detail of our lives.
  3. Worry Doesn’t Change Anything – Worry expends energy pointlessly.  It doesn’t change the reality of the situation one bit.  Worry tends to make the situation worse because it robs us of our peace.  It causes us to lose sleep and brings up negative damaging emotions like fear, bitterness, anxiety and depression.
  4. Worry Ignores God’s Faithfulness in Our Lives – God faithfully provides for all the things He has created.  He pays attention to even the flowers in a field, why wouldn’t He pay even closer attention to us, His masterpiece.  When we worry we quickly forget all the times God has provided in the past.  We forget the way He has moved in previous situations and helped us through difficulties before.
  5. We Are God’s Children – God will never treat us as orphans who need to fend for ourselves.  He treats us as His very own children.  His desire is to give us good gifts and to bless us.  Many times we stray away from Him and walk down the worry path instead of the trust path.    When we do that, God patiently waits for us to return to Him.  When we see God as a loving ever present Father instead of a distant or absent father, we don’t have to worry.
  6. When We Worry About Tomorrow We Miss Out On Today – Any problem we face can be handled, with God’s help, one day at a time.  When we rely on God for help, He freely gives us what we need.  When we rely on ourselves and our own strength we will fall short.  When we worry we miss the blessings that God has for us today.  We miss the things that are right in front of us and we don’t see clearly.  When we worry, we tend to make decisions that often make things worse.

The next time that worry starts to creep into your life or you feel the pressure of life, pray for the grace you need to depend on God.  He is faithful and trustworthy and will provide what is needed to endure and overcome whatever comes your way.  Psalm 118:6, 8-9 says “The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?… It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man.  It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.”

This is only possible if you have a personal relationship with God.  It is your decision whether you have that relationship or not.  In order to be a child of God you need to accept the free gift God gives to you through His son Jesus Christ.  By asking Jesus to forgive your sins and be the leader of your life you instantly become a child of God and can have the close personal relationship I described above.  Once that decision is made, you begin the journey with God in becoming the person He originally designed you to be.  God begins to chip away the rough edges and begins to shape you and mold you, so that you can fulfill the calling He has for your life.  He begins to heal the hurts and hang ups from your past that keep you from living life to the fullest.

God wants to carry our burdens for us, but we need to hand them over and not take them back.  So take some advice from Jesus and stop worrying.

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Healthy Emotions, Healthy Relationships

Most of life is about relationships, and the health of those relationships determines the success and happiness we experience.  Our lives are either up or down based on the health of the relationships around us.  Whether it is the relationship with a spouse, a child, a parent, a brother or sister, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a boss or a co-worker, a friend or even God; when things are going well we tend to feel good and when they are going bad we feel down.

God made us to be relational by nature.  His design for us was to not lone, but in community or relationship with others.  The health of all of our relationships depends a lot on our own emotional health.  We cannot control what other people do, think or say, but we can control what we do, think or say.  Most of the problems in our marriages and other vital relationships stem from being unhealthy in our own emotions.

We all have emotional baggage that we carry with us.  Wounds from previous relationships tend to stay with us and affect how we interact with the people around us.  The scars from those wounds can actually cause us to think and act in unhealthy ways, because we are trying to protect ourselves from getting wounded again.  Many people have also observed or lived around unhealthy relationships that have influenced how they now handle conflict or deal with difficult situations.  All of this stuff from our past causes us to have deep rooted fears that keep us from living life the way God intended.

So here is the question; How do we overcome these fears and live life to the fullest?

There is no easy way in which to do this.  However, a great first step is to go back in order to go forward.  By going back, I do not mean to dwell on your past, what I mean is to deal with your past.  One of the best ways I have found to do this is through a process called “Steps to Freedom in Christ” by Neil Anderson.  I have taken many people through this process and have seen amazing results.  I highly recommend using the booklet to walk through these steps and to do it with a spiritual mentor.  Here are the Seven steps:

  1. Counterfeit vs. Real – This first step is all about renouncing the things from our past that we may have dabbled in that are not of God, and that may have contributed to believing lies about ourselves, God and other people.
  2. Deception vs. Truth – The second step is a process of identifying lies that we may believed or have believed in the past and replacing them with the truth.  There is a set of truth statements that I use often for myself and the people I mentor to read through and focus on.
  3. Bitterness vs. Forgiveness – The third step is often one of the biggest and most freeing step as we work through the process of forgiveness.  This exercise is one of the most powerful exercises I have done personally or with someone else.
  4. Rebellion vs. Submission – Step four is about admitting our tendency to rebel and to ask for God’s help in submitting in a healthy way.
  5. Pride vs. Humility – Step five is often hard, but vital in gaining emotional and spiritual freedom.  Admitting to areas of pride and seeking humility leads to incredible strength and freedom.
  6. Bondage vs. Freedom – The sixth step is about admitting all the sins that we have struggled with in our life and asking God for forgiveness.  There are specific prayers to pray based on what types of sins may be keeping us in bondage.
  7. Curses vs. Blessing – This last step has to do with the sins of our family.  Every family has generational sins that have been passed down from generation to generation.  This can stop with you.

There are prayers included at the end that are helpful in maintaining freedom and keeping God central in our lives.

Once a year we should all do a spiritual and emotional check up and this is one way to do that.  This is all about allowing God to heal the wounds and eliminate the scars from our past, so that we can live in freedom and have healthy relationships moving forward.

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The Art of Confrontation

 

Conflict is all around us, none of us can escape conflict.  We try to avoid it, we try to minimize it, we try to attack it but we should resolve it.  Usually the way to reach resolution is through confrontation.  In a conflict situation the best way to obtain peace is to start by confronting the issue.  The problem is for most of us the idea of confronting is not something we are good at and we often do it in the wrong way.  This will usually cause the conflict to get worse.  Jesus was very good at confrontation.  He gave us some clear examples of how to do it.  One of those times is in John 8:48-59.  Jesus is having a showdown with some of the leader’s of the Jews.  Here are four steps Jesus used to get to the heart of the issue:

  1. He was clear and direct – Often times when we confront we are not able to be clear, because our emotions are clouding our thinking.  The best way to confront someone is by being as clear and direct as possible.  This should not be done in a condescending way or in an aggressive attacking way.
  2. He did not draw attention to himself – He did not get all emotional and throw a temper tantrum.  He didn’t puff himself up and try to make himself look good or look smarter.
  3. He laid out the issues and asked for a decision – Many times we don’t lay out all the cards, or if we do, we don’t ask for a decision.  If the person needs more time to process and think, give them time but come back to the real issues and how to resolve them.
  4. He trusted God to justify and reveal the truth – Sometimes we can’t completely resolve a situation, but we should always try.  We must trust that God is going to continue to work in this situation as long we are being obedient to owning our part of the conflict and confronting in a loving way with the right motives.

Here are some more takeaways on the right way to confront:

  1. Clarify the desired relationship you wish to have
  2. Make sure you have the right motives, speak the truth in love
  3. Define the unacceptable behavior
  4. Highlight your values and priorities, what’s important to you?
  5. List the conduct that illustrate your point – be specific
  6. Share the possible consequences if no resolution can be reached
  7. Offer hope for a new future – reconciliation is the goal

Resolving conflict is never easy, but always worth the effort.

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5 Mistakes Women Make in Marriage

My last post was about the mistakes a lot of the guys make in their marriage.  That was easy for me to write about as I am one of those guys.  Writing about mistakes women make in marriage is a little more challenging.  This comes from years of counseling couples and listening to their frustrations and problems.  Just like my post about the guys, I am sure there are other things that could be mentioned, but let’s start with these five for now.  These are similar to the mistakes that men make.

  1. Loving your husband conditionally – This is what I call performance based love.  When the man performs a certain way or does what is expected, the wife tends to show love and respect.  The real test of love is when that is not happening.  When expectations are not met and his behavior is not what you want, do you love him less?  Maybe you wouldn’t say you love him less, but does your response and behavior communicate that to him or does it communicate that when he straightens up then you will show him some love?
  2. Not making sex a priority – Just like the men, women can make the mistake of thinking that men should approach intimacy the same as them.  Men are not as emotional as women and therefore most guys don’t connect emotionally very well.  For most men the thought of intimacy means sex.  Physical intimacy is how most men feel close to their wives.  Without that type of intimacy they can feel unloved.  It may be enough for you to talk, hug and kiss, but for most guys that just gets the engine running.  Talk with your husband about sex and see what happens.  Life can be very busy and hectic, and it can be hard to have time for the two of you to be intimate, but if you don’t it’s a big mistake.
  3. Forgetting how to be your husbands friend – One of the things I have observed in many marriages is that they are no longer best friends.  Most guys desire their wives to be their best friends.  That means doing fun stuff together, hanging out, going out to eat and being able to talk about what is going on in their lives.  Find something you can do together to have fun and relieve stress.  Go back to the days when you were dating.  When you acted like you were interested in sports or cars or his work.  When you did that it made him feel important and that he was sharing his life with you.  He needs you to be his friend, not his mother.
  4.  Not encouraging your husband – Most men crave encouragement.  The way you speak to your husband will say a lot about your relationship.  When you encourage your man, he feels respected, which is even more important to him than love.  Encouragement can come through words either spoken or in writing.  It can also just be simple body language that communicates to him that you are proud of him and think that he is doing a great job.  Being there for him in the important moments of his life whether that is at work or with one of his hobbies.  So when was the last time you encouraged your husband in a positive way?
  5. Not being clear in your communication – Men and women think differently, see things differently, hear things differently and communicate differently.  One of the mistakes some women make is to expect their man to pick up on what is going on in your life.  Most guys are not that observant.  It really helps when you clearly state why you are upset or what you would like us to do.  Hinting about it is very frustrating for most men.  Most men are pretty simple and when communication becomes complicated they tend to shut down.  The more clear you communicate, the fewer misunderstandings tend to happen.  You also need to be aware of your nonverbal communication.  You might be saying something but communicating another because of your tone of voice and facial expressions.  So understand your own communication style and his and make any adjustments necessary.  If communication is a big problem in your marriage, I recommend you get some help.  Go get help from a mentor or counselor.  I recommend you don’t demand he go with you, but let him know you would like him to go if he wants to, but that you want to go to try to improve yourself so you can be a better wife.

I hope some of those thoughts were helpful.  My last thought is this.  Don’t make the mistake of not building spiritual intimacy with your husband.  It may only be you praying for him in the beginning, but that can be very powerful.  Remember you can’t change him, you can only change yourself.

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5 Mistakes Men Make In Marriage

Healthy relationships take work and a willingness to learn and grow.  For men this can be a very challenging thing.  Most men tend to struggle in relationships because we don’t realize some of the mistakes we are making.  Marriage is the closest relationship we have and as men we need to make some big changes in order to have happy, healthy marriages.  Just a quick word to the guys reading this.  Most guys work hard at improving themselves in their work life.  We study, practice, and learn from more experienced people in order to become better at our jobs.  We do the same thing with our hobbies.  Why should it be any different when it comes to the most important relationship in our lives.

So here are 5 mistakes that I have made along with most men.  Now there are probably a lot more mistakes that the ladies reading this can come up with, but that would feel like nagging and most guys would tune that out quickly.  Here are the top 5 things guys can work on to quickly improve their relationship with their wives:

  1. Loving Our Wives Conditionally – This is hard to admit for most guys, because we like to think that we love our wives unconditionally.  The reality is that most men have conditions for their love.  If she performs in the way we like, we express love to her.  When she cleans the house, takes care of the children, cook the food, and run the household then we are happy and love her.  However when things don’t go like we think it should we tend to get angry, frustrated, disappointed and withhold love.  When she does not show us the respect we think we should have we don’t love her the way we should.
  2. Thinking Her Definition Of Intimacy Is The Same As Ours – When men think about intimacy we usually think sex.  This is not the case for our wives.  It’s about an emotional connection, being able to talk about the important stuff going on in her life.  She see’s intimacy as a deep emotional connection, when we take the time to really focus on her and listen without trying to fix things.  For most women the emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy are very much connected.  For men we tend to keep them separate.
  3. Not Encouraging Our Wives Enough – Many wives do a ton of things that go unnoticed.  Running a household, caring for children, preparing food, planning schedules, paying bills working outside the home, volunteering at school or church.  Most of us husbands take all this for granted and don’t thank and encourage our wives nearly enough.  We can’t say it often enough.  When we take the time to notice all the things she does and thank her specifically for them, it sends a message to her that she is valuable, important and treasured.
  4. Not knowing her Love Language – There are five love languages that express love to the people in our lives.  In marriage this is a vital part of developing a close healthy relationship.  Most of us guys don’t even think about how to express love to our wives let alone understanding what her love language is.  We usually speak our own love language to our wives, which may not be her top love language.  So here are the five areas:  Words of Affirmation/Encouragement, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Acts of Service & Physical Touch.  When we take the time to find out which of those are more meaningful to our wives we send a message that we care and want to love her better.  When we actually do it on a regular basis our marriage will improve dramatically.  Remember actions speak louder than words.  To learn more about the Five Love Languages read the book by that title by author Gary Chapman.
  5. Not Building Spiritual Intimacy With Our Wives – If we want our marriages to go from good to great, then we need to bring the spiritual element into our marriages.  Most of us men don’t ever connect with our wives on a spiritual level.  This adds a whole new dimension of intimacy that is missing in most marriages.  When we as men take the lead on spiritual stuff, it sends a message to our wives that we desire to grow with them.  Being on the same page spiritually brings peace & strength to the relationship.  Couples that are spiritually active together rarely get divorced.  This would include things like church attendance, small group participation, praying together, praying for each other daily, doing devotions together, having spiritual conversations attending seminars or classes together, praying with and for your children.  When we take the initiative to lead our families spiritually amazing transformation starts to happen.  This all starts with us making a commitment to grow spiritually ourselves.  We cannot force this on our wives, but we can start with ourselves.

Well guys, I hope this was a helpful start in making adjustments or changes in your marriage relationship.  My next post will be on 5 Mistakes Women make in marriage.

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5 Steps to a Healthy Marriage

This week and gave a speech on healthy marriages at a local business.  I was very impressed that the leader of this organization was investing in his employees by offering helpful information on how to be healthy in all parts of their lives.  They have heard talks about finances, wills and physical health and I was now addressing relational health.

If one area of our lives is out of whack it negatively impacts the other parts of our lives even though we think we can compartmentalize each area of our lives.  When our marriage is hurting, it impacts our emotional state and increases the amount of stress we feel on a daily basis.  That stress impacts our work performance, our parenting skills and our ability to focus and make good decisions.

Marriage is difficult because this is the closest we get to another human being, which brings out all the ugly stuff inside us.  We all bring our picture of marriage to the table.  What we have learned about marriage from our parents, television, movies and friends.  Most of it is not accurate and sets us up for disappointment and failure.  These are the 5 steps I shared with that group that I believe are vital to having a healthy marriage.

  1. Understand & Speak the Right Love Language – We each have a love account, like a bank account that needs to to have regular deposits in it to avoid being overdrawn.  If more is taken out of the account than put in we soon feel empty, hurt and unhappy.  The 5 Love Languages are how we make those deposits.  They are all important, but 1 or 2 are usually more important than others to each person.  We often project our love language on the other person instead of discovering which one is most important to them.  When you understand which language speaks love to your spouse and then work at speaking it through actions the marriage relationship grows stronger and healthier.
  • Words of Affirmation – The way in which we speak to each other either builds up or destroys.  If this is a primary love language words hurt or help even more.
  • Acts Of Service – Actively serving the other person by noticing things that need to be done and doing them before being asked.
  • Receiving Gifts – If this is a primary love language receiving a gift like flowers or even a small token make the person feel like they are valuable and special.
  • Quality Time – Planning time together and where we can focus on just on another.  This communicates to the other person that they are the most important person on the schedule.
  • Physical Touch – Hugs, kisses, holding hands, a touch on the shoulder and sex are some of the ways to speak love to a person with this love language.

The way to identify which ones are most important to you is to ask yourself which ones can I do without and which ones can’t I do without.  If you have not been speaking your spouses love language for a while it will be difficult in the beginning because it will feel somewhat fake.  However the more you do it the better you will become and the more likely your spouse will reciprocate.

2.  Understand & Stop the Fear Dance – The fear dance is the cycle we go through when we have conflict.  I get hurt, I want things to be different or change, I feel my emotions like anger, frustration coming up (Core Fear is touched), I respond usually in an unhealthy way and the same cycle happens with my spouse.  We all have core fears like fear of failure, fear of being inadequate, incompetent, unheard, abandon etc.  When we can understand which core fears we have we can better stop the fear dance and resolve conflict in a healthy way.  To learn more about the fear dance read the book “The DNA Of Relationships” by Gary Smalley.

3.  Understand & Nurture the 3 kinds of Intimacy

  • Emotional Intimacy – This is friendship, we should be best friends with our spouse.  Doing fun things together, sharing what is going on in our lives, being completely open and honest with each other.
  • Spiritual Intimacy – This is connecting on a spiritual level by being in agreement on our beliefs and then doing things together that reinforce those beliefs like going to church together, praying together, reading together, talking about spiritual things together and with others that are like minded.
  • Physical Intimacy – This is when we share our bodies with each other and submit to each other physically.  Knowing how to please the other person.  This is usually where we start in a relationship, but the other two need to come first for this to be healthy.

4.  Understand & Change the Way We Communicate – Communication is vital to a healthy marriage, but communication is not just talking.  Here are a few communication ideas to help improve communication.

  • Really Listen – Most of us don’t really listen.  We make attempts at it, but don’t consistently listen well.  Listening is the most important part of communication, because when we listen well we can avoid misunderstandings and we let the other person know that they are valuable and important to us.  By simply listening, we can improve the health of our marriage instantly.
  • Speaker/Listener technique –  This is a simple way to communicate through conflict.  When someone has an issue they want to talk about they have the floor or the microphone.  Using a pen as the microphone the person explains what the issue is.  The other person can only ask clarifying questions and repeat back what the other person said.  When the person with the floor feels heard they turn over the microphone and the other person can share their side.
  • Be interested, not Interesting – This means that instead of sharing everything about yourself and your day and what you accomplished, you are more interested in what your spouse did and how their day went.  By asking some simple questions and then shutting up and listening you communicate that your spouse is important.
  • Know Your Filter – Men see and hear things much differently than women.  Therefore we always need to make sure that we don’t assume this is what the other person meant.  We also have all had different experiences and circumstances in our lives that cause us to filter things in different ways.  Again, don’t jump to conclusions without asking questions like help me to understand what just happened.

5.  Understand & Practice Forgiveness – No relationship will last very long without practicing forgiveness.  Being quick to admit when we are wrong and humbling ourselves will build a healthy marriage.  Forgiveness is not forgetting, but it is the first step toward forgetting.  When we are healed we tend to forget the previous hurts and don’t keep bringing them back up.  Forgiveness does not mean we don’t have boundaries either.  Sometimes we need boundaries until the other person can show a change in behavior, even though we have forgiven them.

These are some things that have helped my marriage over the last 22 years.  Practice them and I am sure things will begin to improve and become more healthy.  Sometimes we need some help getting started and that is when counseling or mentoring can help.  Meeting with a mentor couple or a counselor or both can help you get on track and start reconciliation.  We offer marriage mentoring at NewPointe Community Church for couples that want to restore and rebuild their marriage.  For more information you can check out this website – Marriage 911.

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Eleven Rules For a Healthy Brain and Body

 

I have been reading a book on brain health, by Daniel Amen.  If ind it very interesting.  His overall theme is that most people’s brains are not very healthy because of the poor nutrition, lack of exercise & lack of sleep.  I just finished reading the chapter on nutrition and thought I would share the Eleven rules the author shares for our best nutrition.  By following these rules, we can lose weight, lower blood pressure, bad cholesterol, increase focus and energy and enjoy life much more.  So here they are:

      1. Drink plenty of water, some green tea (2-3 times a day), and limit drinks with calories.
      2. Watch your calories – The bottom-line message about calories is that the fewer you eat, the longer you live. Calorie restriction with optimal nutrition should be our motto.
      3. Increase good fats and decrease bad fats – Bad fat (saturated fats), really bad fat (trans fat), and good fat (unsaturated fats).  Good fat foods:  Anchovies, Avocados, Lean Meats (Chicken/Turkey), low-fat cheeses, Nuts (walnuts are the best), Olive oil, Canola oil, Flaxseed oil, Salmon, Soybeans, Tuna.
      4. Reduce your Sugar intake – Sugar spikes your blood sugar level then sends it crashing down about 30 minutes later, leaving you feeling lackluster and dim-witted.  If you want to cut down on your sugar intake, start by cutting out the soda and limiting the cookies, candy and ice cream.  Hold the bread before meals, bread makes you hungrier and encourages you to eat more.
      5. Dump artificial sweeteners and replace them with small amounts of natural sweeteners – Artificial sweeteners can cause joint pain, headaches, increase sugar cravings.  Natural sweeteners like stevia, Xylitol can be used on a limited basis.
      6. Limit caffeine intake – caffeine restricts blood flow to the brain, dehydrates the brain, interferes with sleep, can be addictive in high amounts, can accelerate the heart rate and raise blood pressure, can give you the jitters, increase muscle tension, upset your stomach, elevate inflammatory markers and interfere with fertility.  Caffeine is in a lot of things besides coffee.  Coffee in moderation has some health benefits.
      7. Eat great brain foods – The author lists the top 50 best brain foods.  Lots of fruits, veggies, fish, beans & lentils, whole wheat, chicken/turkey.  One of the big keys is to eat a balanced diet.  Knowing how many servings of each food group you need each day is vital to being healthy.
      8. Reduce salt intake and increase potassium intake – Most foods already have plenty of salt in them, try to avoid adding any on your own.  Foods high in potassium include:  bananas, spinach, honeydew melon, kiwi, lima beans, oranges, tomatoes and all meats.
      9. Plan snacks – Eating every 3-4 hours throughout the day helps to stabilize your blood sugar.  Here are some good options:  Low-fat yogurt & nuts, 1 ounce string cheese & half a cup of grapes, Turkey with an apple, dried fruit with no sugar added.
      10. Take a daily multivitamin/mineral supplement and fish oil – Ninety-one percent of Americans do not eat at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, the minimum required to get good nutrition.  Therefore most of us need to take a supplement.
      11. Recognize when you or someone you care about has hidden food allergies – Certain foods may cause physical, emotional, behavioral, or learning problems.  The most common culprits are peanuts, milk, eggs, soy, fish, shellfish, tree nuts, and wheat.  Others include corn, chocolate, tea, coffee, sugar, yeast, citrus fruits, pork, rye, beef, tomatoes and barley.  Many people with ADD can improve dramatically if they find the foods that they are allergic to and eliminate them from their diet.

The more I study nutrition, the more I am convinced that many of our physical and emotional problems come from poor nutrition.  Most of us would prefer to first medicate instead of dramatically changing the way in which we eat.  God designed our bodies in an amazing way and if we put the right things into our bodies they function better and last longer.  I still have a lot to learn and implement into my life, but I am trying I hope you will as well.

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What is Good Character?

 

We all know some characters, some are good and some are bad.  But what does it mean to have good character, and what does character actually mean?  One definition of character is the inward motivation to do what is right according to the highest standards of behavior in every situation.  Character consists of the consistent and distinctive qualities engrained into an individual’s life, which determine how a person responds, regardless of the circumstances.

The situations that can cause us to be discouraged, angry or sad are actually designed or allowed by God to help us realize our need for Him and His power in our lives.  It is only by the power of God that we will be able to achieve the kind of character that God calls us to have.

There is a process by which we can gain this type of character.  It first begins with having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and then being filled with the power of the Holy Spirit.  Sometimes we can skip over that step and think that I can simply become a good person on my own.  However, when the trials and problems of life come up it is much more difficult to deal with those things on our own.  When we have God with us and in us it gives us a different perspective on how to respond and think about each situation we are in.

As we respond to trials this is the process we should go through:

  • Thank God for all things – even trials.
  • Rejoice in all things by finding the good things or benefits we can learn from.
  • Using the Word of God to help us sift through the situation we find ourselves in.  This acts as a reminder of what the truth is and helps us to identify the lies we may be believing.
  • Seeking wise Godly counsel.
  • Crying out to God when necessary.
  • Doing good works for all people – even those that may have hurt us.

If we can respond to life’s trials in this way, we will experience the power of God’s character living in us and shining through us.  So no matter what the circumstance or situation our character is always either helping us or hurting us.  Our character should be growing and changing as we pursue our relationship with God.  The closer we get to Him and the more we allow Him to be in every area of our lives the more we can reflect the character of Jesus Christ to others.

The power for developing character does no come from our own willpower or intellect.  It comes from the Holy Spirit of God.  Allowing Him to indwell our spirit and fill our soul and control our bodies.  The result of having God in our hearts is the fruit of the spirit, which is “love, joy, longsuffering, gentleness, faith, meekness, and temperance.”  Galatians 5-22-23

My life Mission Statement is “Growing in Faith, Character and Leadership.”  I know that my character is based on my relationship with God and the degree to which I trust Him.  God has promised to transform me into the man He created me to be if I stand back and allow Him to do the work.  My part is to be obedient and to do what He tells me to do, even if I don’t fully understand it.  Character is really about how well we love other people.  If we are growing in our character, our love of God and people is growing and therefore our perspective of how we view the world in which we live.