Category: Character

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Forgiveness and an Amish Boy

Unforgiveness is like cancer, it eats away at our insides and causes all kinds of pain and suffering.  We live in a world that is not perfect.  People let us down, hurt us, disappoint us and sometimes even intentionally cause physical or emotional damage to our lives.  When these things happen to us we always have a choice in how we handle those situations.  It really depends on where our heart is at, as to how we handle these difficult times in our lives.  If our heart or emotional state is healthy and focused on our relationship with God, we tend to handle these situations better.  When we are in communication with God and have the Holy Spirit in us, we can respond in a healthy way.  However if we are not in a good place emotionally and are not focused on God it is very easy to respond in unhealthy ways, which leads to a downward spiral.

About 8 months ago I went through an exercise on forgiveness that I had helped many other people go through.  I decided I should do it myself since I am asking others to do it.  What happened was a surprise to me and has become a defining moment in my spiritual journey.  So here is what happened.

I found some time to be completely alone and uninterrupted and started by connecting with God through prayer.  I asked God to open my mind and my heart to whatever He wanted to do in me.  I asked God to bring to my mind all the people that have hurt me in any way.  Once I had spent some time in prayer and had mentally & emotionally prepared myself, I got out a piece of paper and started writing down the names that came to my mind.  I had done this with other people and some people would only have a few names and others would fill a couple of pages.  The key is that you write down all the names God brings to you in that moment, even if you think you have already forgiven them and even if it seems like it was insignificant.

So I start writing down names, expecting to only have a few because I am a forgiving kind of guy.  To my surprise I nearly filled a full sheet of paper.  The next thing I did was to write beside each name what that person did to me and how it made me feel.  This was the hard part, bringing up all those old thoughts and emotions.  It was tempting to skip through this, but I took my time with each name and took myself back to those times I felt hurt, frustrated and angry.  I could feel some of those same emotions as I thought about what had happened.

One of the biggest surprises on my list was an Amish boy I went to Elementary school with.  He was a year older than me and I don’t remember much about him other than we got into a fight in the boys restroom one day at school.  I don’t remember what we were fighting about, but I do remember how I felt.  With a bunch of my friends watching this Amish boy pinned me to the bathroom floor and laughed at me.  As I squirmed and tried to free myself I heard others laughing as well.  I remember him standing on my ankles and pinning my wrists with his hands.  I had not thought about that incident for a very long time, but it was still there in my mind and in my heart.  I remember everyone else leaving the bathroom after the fight and I was alone in there.  I felt humiliated, angry and weak.  As I walked out of the bathroom I remember breaking a small mirror on the wall.

That memory was buried deep inside me and God brought it out.  It helped me to see how that had created some fears inside of me that had stayed with me all these years.

Once I finished writing out each emotion and circumstance I started to pray through each  person.  I simply prayed that I choose to forgive the person by name and what they did to me and how it made me feel.  I asked God to heal the damaged emotions and help me to release this person and the negative emotions attached to that person.  I thanked God for helping me forgive as He forgave me.

When I finished the last name, I actually felt lighter.  Almost like I had lost some weight.  I felt free and energized.  I spent some time just meditating on God’s goodness, love, acceptance and forgiveness.  What an amazing experience!

I don’t know who God will bring to your mind if you do this exercise, but I do know that there is great freedom and joy when we forgive from the heart.  I hope you will take some time to work through this exercise.  It might be a good idea to do this once a year to make sure you have not taken back what was given to God.  It is almost like a yearly forgiveness checkup.  Sometimes it helps to have someone do this exercise with you.  I encourage you to find a trustworthy person and ask them to pray for you while you do this exercise.

One last thing, when you finish the exercise destroy the paper with the names on it.  That symbolizes that it is finished and the people and emotions no longer are controlling you or attached to you in a negative way.  Forgiveness if the most powerful tool we have to live a healthy, joyful, peaceful life.

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Emotions & Spiritual Growth.

I am currently reading a book call “I Quit” by Geri Scazzero.  I am about half way through it and am being challenged in many ways.  I highly recommend the book.  This quote really jumped out to me and I wanted to share it.

“It doesn’t matter how much you read your Bible, do good works, go to church, serve others, or know about God.  If you are not honest about your true feelings, you will be stunted in your spiritual growth with God and limited in your relationships.”

The three emotions she drills down on are anger, sadness and fear.  Many Christians try to hide these emotions because we have been taught that they are bad.  In reality these emotions are very important for us to understand and acknowledge.  If we don’,t all of our relationships are impacted in a negative way and we can slip into putting on our everything is OK face when everything is not OK.  When we face reality and the reasons we are angry, sad or fearful we can begin to chip away at the hurts, hangups and habits that cause these emotions.  We can start to see what is missing in our lives that has contributed to these emotions popping up.  We can begin to grieve the losses we have experienced.

So what feelings are you having that you are embarrassed about or that you think you should not be having?  If you are courageous enough to face your inner self head on and open up to a trusted friend, mentor or counselor, real freedom and growth will result.

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10 Ways to Build Solid Relationships

There is a saying that I love, that I first heard from author and speaker John Maxwell.  “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”  As a leader I can never separate leadership from relationships.  Leaders need to develop relational skills in order to lead the people around them.  One of the questions I often ask myself is how likeable are you?  Do people like being around you?  All of us can work on being a better person and improving our relationships with people.  Relationships are messy, yet necessary because we were created for relationships.

In the book of Romans in the Bible I came across ten instructions that Paul gives us that will help us get along with other people.  These instructions come from Romans 12:9-21:

  1. Avoid Hypocrisy – When you say something and then do something else it sends the message that you are not trustworthy.  When you are sincere and genuine and your actions line up with your words, your relationships benefit tremendously.
  2. Be Loyal – Paul calls us to treat each other people like brothers and sisters.  Even though siblings will fight with each other sometimes there is a bond because of being family.  Being loyal means showing kindly affection to those around you.  Supporting and standing up for them in good times and bad.
  3. Give Preference to Others – This means to honor the desires of others above your own.  The more selfish you are the weaker your relationships become.
  4. Be Hospitable – When you look for ways to meet the needs of others it builds trust and friendship.  Being generous with what God has given you instead of holding those things tightly helps you to be more hospitable.  Working at making the people around you comfortable and cared for takes a mindset of wanting to serve others.
  5. Return Good for Evil – What Paul is saying here is to act, don’t react when others hurt you.  Many times your natural tendency is to react with hurtful words or actions when you get hurt.  That only further damages the relationship.  You should not be passive though and need to act by communicating in a loving way how that hurt you.  Proverbs 15:1 says “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
  6. Identify with Others – This means to empathize with others.  To treat others’ needs or victories as your own.  When you can put yourself in their shoes without judging, it shows how much you care.  It also will help you to better understand where they are coming from.
  7. Be Open-minded toward Others – Trying to connect with anyone you speak to takes the ability to be genuinely interested in the other person.  Approach each encounter as an opportunity to learn more about this person and their story.  Ask questions and really listen.
  8. Treat Everyone with Respect – When you treat people with respect it is a compliment to them.  This can be done by how you listen, the non-verbal messages you send and by not being judgmental.  Even if you do not agree with the person or their behavior it is important to show respect and love them unconditionally.  Remember you can’t change anyone, only God can do that.
  9. Do Everything Possible to Keep Peace – This does not mean to avoid conflict, but to work through conflict and to choose wisely which hills to die on.  Paul says, “If it is possible, as much as it depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”  This means that the decisions we make should lead to forgiveness and reconciliation in our relationships as much as possible.
  10. Remove Revenge from Your Life – This means to let God judge others; you are to love them!

On our own, we cannot do this on a consistent basis.  That is why it is so important to be connected with God, who can give us everything we need to have thriving, healthy relationships.  It starts by making the decision to accept Jesus Christ as the leader of your life and the forgiver of your sins.  After that we have a special connection with God through the Holy Spirit that is available as a constant help to live life to the fullest.  Living life to the fullest means having the best possible relationships in our lives.  Ask God to help today to live out these ten things in all your relationships.  Over time hurts will be healed and hearts will be repaired and peace and joy will be more evident in all your relationships.

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Amazing Lessons From Peter

As a leader, I must constantly be working on myself.  Leader’s that stop growing, quickly start declining and losing influence.  A great example of someone growing as a leader is Peter, one of the 12 disciples that followed Jesus.  Focus and self-discipline provide the foundation for solid leadership.  Peter learned this lesson the hard way.  Over a three and a half year period, God transformed Peter from a cocky, loud influence to a thoughtful, humble leader.  As I read in 1 Peter, one of his letter to the Christian Jews, he gives three directives in this area of focus and self-discipline:

  1. Guard Your Mind – Peter reminds us to put boundaries around what we allow into our minds.  What we allow in will influence us and deceive us.  Filling our minds with truth helps us to guard it from the lies that are all around us.  Peter tells us to remain focused and sober.
  2. Guard Your Hearts – He also reminds us that we need to prevent old patterns from penetrating our hearts.  He warns us about the former lusts, which can not only distract us, but can destroy us.
  3. Guard Your Lifestyle – Peter tells us to pursue holiness.  The only way to do that is to follow and embrace the model Christ gave.  Since God is holy, we should copy what we see Him doing.

Peter also talks a good bit about sacrifice and submission.  He tells us to respect and submit to authorities, regardless of how the authorities might treat those they are over.  He reminds us that God places all people in authority for His plans and His purpose.  Peter reminds us in chapter two about the sacrifice that Jesus made for all of us.  He suffered greatly and died for us.  Here is how Jesus responded to the insults, mockery, physical beatings, false accusations and carrying all our sin:

  1. Did not retaliate, but kept silent
  2. Made no threats
  3. No deceit came from his mouth
  4. Fully entrusted himself to the Father (God)

Peter also does a nice job of addressing husbands and wives.  No home can thrive without functioning according to sound spiritual leadership principles:

  • First he challenged wives to submit to their husbands, even those who do not submit to Christ.
  • When the wife submits even though she opposes her husbands decision, she gives a powerful witness to Christ and brings a special honor to Him.
  • Husbands are called to live with their wives in an understanding way.
  • Husbands are to honor their wives and model submission and service.
  • Husbands are to initiate blessing, rather than retaliate when things go wrong.
  • Husbands and wives need to assume responsibility for the health of their relationships, which means setting the tone.  To set the tone, they should initiate what they want others to do.
    • Get respect by showing respect
    • Get understanding by being understanding
    • Listen well, trying to understand instead of being understood.
    • Get quality time by giving quality time
    • Hears words of affirmation by giving words of affirmation
    • Get served by first serving
    • Receive unconditional love by first giving unconditional loving

He then talks about spiritual gifts.  Peter encourages us to make five observations about our spiritual gifts:

  1. Every believer has at least one spiritual gift. (1 Peter 4:10)
  2. Spiritual gifts are intended to serve people, not bolster our reputations. (v.10)
  3. We use our gifts as stewards or managers, not owners.  (v.10)
  4. God is the source and the sustainer of every gift. (v. 11)
  5. We are to employ our gifts as though we were serving the Lord. (v. 11)

When we fail to use our gifts properly, we are disobedient, the body of Christ (Church) suffers and God is not glorified.

Peter closes his letter by addressing church leaders and encouraging  them to lead well.  He calls church leaders to:

  1. Be a minister to the people by serving them before being served.
  2. Be a mentor of the people by eagerly investing in people and being a good example.
  3. Be a manager of the people by exercising oversight over those entrusted to your care.
  4. Be a model for the people by demonstrating how to live and love.

Peter encourages us to humble ourselves by casting all our cares on God.  Only then does God promise to exalt us.

I hope these thoughts from Peters letter are helpful in your spiritual growth.  I encourage you to go and read 1 Peter for yourself.  I am sure there are other nuggets of gold that may be just what you need.

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4 Principles for Healing Wounded Relationships

Healthy relationships are hard work.  In working with people as a pastor, I have found that one of the biggest contributors to emotional problems, financial problems, marriage problems, work problems and most any problem is broken damaged relationships.  A broken relationship will not heal automatically.  Healing a relationship requires care and investment, just like our physical bodies need care and investment in order to heal a wound.  When we take the time to treat a wound, it minimizes the potential of infection and prolonged pain.  Similarly an investment made to restore a relationship will yield dividends for you in the future.

Here are four principles that illustrate the importance of forgiveness in healing broken relationships:

  1. A Wound Must Be Cleaned – All the impurities need to be removed from the wound.  In a broken relationship all wrong-doing must be confessed and addressed.  Each person needs to put all the cards on the table and admit their part in the brokenness.  Hiding things and only confessing what is already known is like leaving the rust of a nail in the wound and only brushing off the surface.  Healing starts by making a full and complete confession if the fault is yours, and be willing to cancel the debt of the other person.  This should be done as quickly as possible, because infection can set in quickly.
  2. A Wound Must Be Rejoined – If the two sides of a cut are not stitched back together, scar tissue will fill in the gap.  Once scar tissue covers the wound it is no longer possible to rejoin the healthy flesh.  Scar tissue limits movement and can hinder the proper function of body parts.  When people separate and do not communicate, scar tissue begins to form.  It makes it much more difficult to function properly and to grow in a healthy way.  When two people come together and begin to dialog about the real issues, healing can begin and scar tissue is minimized.
  3. A Wound Must Be Nourished – When someone is injured the body sends extra blood flow to the injured area.  That blood flow is needed to provide the nutrients and vitamins necessary to promote healing.  Similarly, healing a broken relationship requires deliberate attention and investment.  A commitment to forgive is a commitment to invest.  Forgiveness is the nutrients our bodies need to heal.
  4. A Wound Must Be Protected – When a wound is healing it is sensitive and needs protection.  The deeper the wound the longer it takes to heal and the more sensitive it is.  In a relationship, just because an offense has been forgiven does not mean trust has been completely restored or that additional stress or pressure can be taken.  a healthy relationship needs to be nurtured delicately.  The wound needs to be cleaned out several times and new bandages applied along the way.

The human bodies ability to heal is an amazing thing.  God created us with this ability to heal when treated properly.  Our wounded emotions can also be healed if treated properly.  True forgiveness is one of the most powerful healing agents for damaged emotions that exists.  Forgiveness is a commitment to put the past behind, to leave it there, and to move on.

So what broken relationships need attention in your life?  What wounds need to be cleaned, rejoined, nourished and protected?  Ask God to help you commit to invest in the relationships that you have whether they are broken or not.  Healthy, vibrant relationships are so important for our overall health.  God made us for relationships and we need to do our part to invest in them and nurture them.

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7 Things That Must Happen for Growth to Occur

Spiritual growth doesn’t just happen, any more than running a marathon “just happens.”  You don’t wake up one day and go run a marathon.  It takes months of training and preparation.  Growth results from hard work.  The harder you train and prepare the better you will do in the race.

As I have been training for the upcoming Cleveland Marathon in May, I have had to form new habits and be disciplined in working out.  I know that if I don’t train now, I will pay the price later. As I run and do cross training my body is strengthened and able to endure longer distances.  I also am able to recover much quicker from hard workouts.  I can run farther and faster now because of the work I have put in over the last 6 months.

In the Bible Paul compares maturing or growing a person to growing a plant (Col 2:6,7).  When you take seed, soil, sunshine, and water and put them together, you don’t get a plant overnight.  You need time.  Paul knew that our roots would not grow deep overnight.  Our lives are much that way.  Either we are growing slowly by taking steps forward or we are declining by taking steps backward.  Just like a plant can’t grow without the right conditions, we need to right conditions to grow and thrive.  Whether we want to grow spiritually, emotionally, relationally or physically, it takes certain things for that to happen.  Here are some reminders of what must happen for growth to occur:

  1. Labor – Someone has to work.  For growth to happen hard work need to take place.  That means having the right mindset of doing difficult things that may cause some pain initially, but that will lead to growth down the road.  That happens when I workout, my muscles get sore, but they also get stronger.  When I practice honesty, it can cause some initial pain, but it leads to stronger healthier relationships.  When I take time to read or write, it takes effort, but it also pays dividends.
  2. Stretching – We have to stretch for more.  When I get out of my comfort zone and push myself, I see much better results.  I can hit walls, in all areas of my life, but if I can stretch just a little more I grow to higher levels.  Once we stretch to a new place we now have expanded our capacity to grow.  Stretching relationally may be working through conflict instead of yelling or using the silent treatment.
  3. Learning – In order to grow we must learn.  Again, this takes a mindset of understanding that we do not know it all and can benefit from other people.  Having a teachable attitude allows us to grow much faster.  It’s like adding fertilizer to the soil.  People that grow are constantly reading and studying.  Not only books, but people and situations.
  4. Focus – We cannot drift or get distracted, or our growth will diminish.  The more we can focus, the better the results will be.  Distractions keep us from the important things that can bring about the best results.  I must remove distractions that keep me from training, and then while I am training, I need to focus on my form and technique.
  5. Accountability – Growth accelerates when someone watches.  Trying to grow on our own is very difficult.  Having a workout partner can keep me motivated.  Allowing someone to ask hard questions on a regular basis keeps me on track.  We should not try to go it alone, find some trustworthy, reliable people to help on the journey.
  6. Application – Growth really happens when we practice what we know.  If all I do is study about how to run a marathon, I will never run a marathon.  I have to actually go out and do what I have learned.  Growing spiritually, emotionally, and relationally is the same way.  If I want to improve my marriage I have to actually practice speaking my wife’s love language on a regular basis.  If I want to get closer to God I have to actually talk to him and read the Bible in order to connect with Him and understand Him.  If I want healthy relationships I have to practice forgiveness.
  7. Gratitude – This is all about having the right attitude.  Giving joyful thanks for the past blessings and growth.  A grateful heart is a humble heart and that is fertile soil for growth to happen.

So what area do you want to grow in?  If it’s your marriage, then think about what your next step needs to be in order to grow in that area of your life.  Think in next steps, what step do I need to take in order to be a better husband?  What step do I need to take in order to be a better father?  What step do I need to take in order to be a better leader?  It might be reading a book, it might be eliminating some distractions, it might be finding an accountability partner or two, it might be actually putting into practice some things you already know, it might be having a more grateful attitude.  As we take these small steps it leads to growth and change.  Again, this does not happen overnight, but over a lifetime.

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7 Lessons I’ve Learned Leading a Multi-site Church Campus.

Over the last two months I have had the privilege of leading one of our church campuses through a transition from a portable church at a Middle school to a new permanent site in a nearby city.  This has been a fun, exciting time and a real growth time for me personally.  Since taking this new role at NewPointe Community Church I have been learning some things and putting some things into practice that I have learned over the years about leadership.  This is what I have been learning and by no means do I think I know it all.  I love to learn from other leader’s and have followed many over my career.  These lessons are stretching me and shaping me into the leader God is calling me to be.

  1. Relationships are more important than Systems – Effective, well thought out systems are vital to an organizations health, but people are more important.  Every person that attends the campus I lead is important.  Each person matters to God and so they must matter to me.  When going through explosive growth it’s easy to miss the relational part of ministry.  That is when you must work hard to meet with people and listen to them.  I have learned so much by simple meeting with people and listening to them.  I know that I have not done as good of job as I could have in this area, so I plan on working harder to connect with more people over the next month.
  2. Communicate with your team often – Even when there is nothing new to report, it’s important to communicate with your team on a regular basis.  As a leader, I wake up every day thinking about what needs to happen to get where we are headed.  The volunteers I am leading have many other things to think about, like their own jobs and families.  The more I can communicate about what is going on, the better my relationship with the people I lead.  Open honest communication builds trust, it also motivates and encourages and allows people to ask clarifying questions.
  3. Trust that God is working in ways you do not see – In ministry, things don’t always line up like you would like them to be.  As a leader, I am responsible for my own actions and to make plans and develop strategy.  It is also my responsibility to be flexible and to include God in everything.  The deeper my trust in God the stronger my faith grows.  If we figure everything out on our own, we don’t need God to show up.  When you take on a big vision, only God can make it happen, we need to trust and obey.
  4. Trust the leaders around you – I must choose to trust and not to be suspicious of the leaders above me.  The more I choose to trust the more my heart remains in the right place.  When I start to fill in the blanks with my own ideas, I begin to head into a downward spiral.  When I believe the best about the people leading me, I can then lead with integrity and passion.  Trust builds a culture of emotional health and stability.
  5. Do more than rally the troops – You must do more than talk the talk, you need to walk the walk and make things happen.  That means doing what you say and equipping your volunteers to do what they are asked to do.  It means taking the time to develop people rather than just direct people.  When you build meaningful relationships with people they will follow you through the most difficult of times.  When you pay attention to the details and delegate to people that can get things done your influence goes up.  Don’t just try to pump people up, pour into them and love them.  The only way to do that is by allowing God to pour into you and to keep growing as a leader.
  6. You have to be real – People are looking for real leaders that admit their mistakes and take responsibility.  Be quick to admit mistakes and ask for forgiveness and extend the same to others.  Don’t put on the religious mask, where you try to make people think that everything is just perfect.  That is only possible if you are sure of your identity and comfortable with who you are.  I have learned that I need to be me and not someone I think people want.  The more I am the person God created me to be to more influence God give me.
  7. Be as clear as possible – Clarity is one of the most difficult things to do as a leader.  It is easy to dance around the issues and not give direct answers.  Sometimes there are things that I just cannot share with people, so I need to be honest about that and let them know that I will share details when I can.  To be clear as a leader means taking time to think about what you are going to say.  It means you can’t just shoot from the hip, but take time to aim before delivering the message.  Being clear is a way of honoring people and letting them know you care.

When things are changing all around me and the pace seems to be higher than what I can stand, it helps to step back and trust God and obey what he tells me.  When things are busy and hectic I need to make sure that I am praying and communicating with God.  I also need to be reading the Bible to build my intimacy with God and get wisdom and direction.  One thing that has helped me in this area and many others is having two guys I meet with weekly to ask me how I am doing in some of these areas.  Having accountability in my life has brought growth and freedom into my life.

Lead On!

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10 Tips for a Healthy Marriage

Nearly everyone that gets married, goes in wanting to be happy and stay married for the rest of their lives.  So what happens along the way to cause people to end up hating each other or frustrated to the point of divorce?  Why does verbal, physical and emotional abuse happen so often in marriages that started out with so much hope?

Most people that end up getting married, don’t put much work in on the front end.  They may date for a while and many people are now pretending to be married, thinking that is a good way to prepare for marriage.  Unfortunately the results have been dismal.  Couples that live together have a much greater chance of divorce than those that do not.  Couples that do not go through some pre-marital mentoring or counseling have a much higher chance of not making it.  So for people that are thinking about getting married, go get some help in preparing for this lifelong commitment.  Why wouldn’t you get some training for the biggest relationship commitment you will ever make.

For those that are already married and maybe did not put a lot of work in at the beginning, it’s not too late.  Marriages can be improved dramatically with some work and a different perspective.  Here are some tips or thoughts on how to build a happy marriage:

  1. Change your expectations to desires – Marriage is not so much about you, but about serving and loving your spouse well.  If you are looking at your husband or wife to meet all your needs and make you happy, you are heading toward failure and disappoint.  No human being can meet all our needs and make us happy.  Only God can do that.  Many times we put too high of expectations on our spouse and then are upset when they don’t live up to that.  Instead of expecting certain behavior, change your mindset to desiring certain behavior.  When you see it happen it is more meaningful.  That shift in thinking can change your marriage.
  2. Learn to love well – To love well, a person must understand what speaks love to their spouse.  If you do not understand what is meaningful and special to your spouse, you can be doing the wrong things and actually be hurting your marriage.  Gary Chapman wrote a book called the “Five Love Languages”.  He describes 5 ways of communicating love to another person.  Those languages are; Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Gifts and Quality Time.  Everyone has one or two of those that are more meaningful than others.  Find out what your spouses language is and what yours is and then sit down and talk about it with your spouse.
  3. Focus on growing yourself, not changing your spouse – The more you try to change your spouse the worse it usually gets.  The only thing you have control over is yourself.  When you focus on problems or the shortcomings of your spouse, you are no longer working on your own issues or growing closer to God.  Seek out a mentor or someone that can help you work on your own issues.
  4. Deepen your relationship with God – To have a happy marriage, it will take more than what you have on your own.  When you develop your relationship with God, He gives you strength, courage and wisdom you can’t get on your own.  When you grow spiritually, you grow relationally with others as well.
  5. Bring God into your Marriage – Spiritual intimacy in a marriage relationship is one of the biggest keys to happiness and contentment in marriage.  Making God central in your marriage builds a solid foundation.  Praying together, going to church together, going to small group together, reading the Bible & devotions together and having spiritual conversations together will build that intimacy.  If your spouse is not where you are at spiritually, don’t force this on them.  Instead pray silently for them regularly and demonstrate your faith by loving them well and serving them as best you can.
  6. Build Emotional Intimacy – This is all about being best friends.  Connecting with each other through meaningful conversations, doing fun things together and just hanging out.  This usually happens through the dating process, but often slows down after the marriage.  Start dating again and work at becoming friends again.
  7. Prioritize Physical Intimacy – This area of marriage often get neglected as life gets busy.  Children, work, family functions and children’s activities can keep married people from having enough physical intimacy.  Take time to plan for this if needed.  God designed sex for marriage for a reason.  It was meant to increase closeness and intimacy.  It is a way of serving each other and surrendering yourself to the other person.  Physical intimacy is much better when the emotional and spiritual intimacy are doing well.
  8. Always believe the best about your spouse – When you always think the best about your spouse instead of assuming the worse, you are more likely to be happily married.  Trust is essential in marriage.  Honesty and openness in marriage leads the way to trust.  Connecting emotionally, spiritually and physically helps to deepen trust and belief in your spouse.  When your first response is to believe the best instead of assume the worse, it leads to a better line of thinking.  Less suspicion and more trust.  When trust is broken though, boundaries need to be put into place in order to re-establish trust.
  9. Listen  – Most people are really poor listeners.  When it comes to marriage it can get even worse.  If you will simply work at becoming a better listener, your marriage will begin to improve.  Listening takes more than just paying attention.  It means to actually try to understand what is being said and being able to repeat it back.  It means you follow through on what is discussed.  In other words listening needs to be active, letting your spouse know you are truly interested and want to understand and then acting on what you hear.  First trying to understand before being understood leads to good listening.
  10. Think Team – Your on the same team not on opposite sides.  Team mates need to communicate well with each other and work together through whatever problems come your way.  Problem solving becomes a joint effort instead of one sided.  To function as a team you need to know your role and understand how you best contribute to the success of the marriage.  The approach should always be we not me.

These ten things are not the only things that help build a solid marriage, but they can get you started.  Marriage takes work to be successful.  A selfish person does not make a very good husband or wife.  Pride and arrogance leads to destruction.  So if your marriage is a mess or struggling along, humble yourself and get some help.  If your marriage is doing well and you have worked through some struggles, then you need to help others work on their marriages.

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Blessed, Satisfied & Successful

Those are words that most people would want to say about their lives.  When we are feeling blessed, satisfied and successful, we are most likely going to be happy and content.  However in order to achieve those things in our lives there needs to be some other qualities in our lives.  Here are three thoughts about how to be blessed, satisfied and successful:

  1. You must be broken in order to be blessed.  In order to receive God’s blessing in our lives, we often must go through a period of brokenness.  When we go through difficult times, it often brings us to our knees and our pride is stripped away.  This is when we remove the distractions and desperately seek God for help.  When we allow God to break us, we can experience breakthroughs in our life.  When we stop pretending and get real with God by admitting our weakness and our dependence on Him, we can experience blessing on the other side.  Brokenness is painful yet that pain can bring about a transformation that leads to blessing if we stay on the path God has for us.
  2. You must Surrender in order to be satisfied. Satisfaction comes when we surrender to God and allow Him to have control.  When we can stop trusting in ourselves and start trusting in Him, our level of peace and satisfaction will increase.  Without surrender, we remain in control and we will continue to struggle, hurt and mess up if we are trying to control the world around us.  Surrender involves a decision to turn everything over to God.  Everything includes our finances, our marriages, our friendships, our children, our work, our free time, our ministry, our relationships, our hobbies, our possessions, our attitudes, our emotions and our minds.
  3. You need to sacrifice in order to succeed. John Maxwell has a saying that you have to give up in order to go up.  Sacrifice is necessary to succeed in any area of life.  In marriage, it takes sacrifice in order to love and serve your spouse.  Selfishness will destroy any relationship, so the person that is willing to sacrifice can find success and healthy relationships as a result.  To succeed in any area of life it takes sacrifice and hard work.  When we bring God into the picture, He can give us the strength we need to sacrifice and humble ourselves in order to bring success.   Success is not about performing better, it’s about being willing to sacrifice in the short-term in order to be successful in the long-term.

God desires to have a personal, growing relationship with all people.  He is the one that can bring blessing into our lives.  He is the one that can bring satisfaction and success.  Having a relationship with God does not mean we will have no problems, there will be problems and pain in our lives.  A relationship with God means that we have an all powerful, all knowing, loving heavenly father that will always be with us through every trial and triumph in our lives.  He equips us to make it through the storms of life and emerge blessed, satisfied and successful despite those storms.

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The Power Of Persistence

This morning is was reading in the book of 1 Samuel.  It starts off with a introduction of the family of Elkanah.  This guy had two wives, I guess that was normal back then, the one was Hannah and the other was Peninnah.  My first thought was that Hannah’s name has remained popular, but I don’t know any Peninnah’s.  That must mean that Hannah is the one we can learn something from.

The story continues by saying that Peninnah had children, but Hannah did not.  Elkanah supported Peninnah and her children, but he loved Hannah, even though she could give him no children.  Peninnah would often mock Hannah and remind her that she was able to have children.  Hannah refused to lash out at her rival, but instead took her sorrow and loss to God.  She prayed earnestly to her Lord, begging Him for a son.  She refused to believe that her difficult situation had to remain permanent.

Hannah continued to pray sincerely and specifically, not backing away from her request for a son.  That persistence paid off, when she eventually became pregnant and had a son, Samuel.  When she was praying for a son, she had promised God that she would give him to the service of the Lord.  After she had weaned him and he was old enough to take to the temple, she took her son and dedicated him to God.  In that day, that meant that he would live and serve in the Temple with the main Priest.  Eli was the Priest and so Samuel was raised by Eli and his mother Hannah would visit often.

Hannah went on to have three more sons and two daughters.  Prayer changed the course of Hannah’s life and impacted an entire nation.  God used her son Samuel in a key role as prophet during the lifetime of King David, and his influence remains today through the story of his life in the Bible.  Hannah’s prayers laid the foundation for Samuel to be used by God.  She put her son in an environment where God could develop him into a man of influence.  Later in chapter 7 we see that Samuel becomes the new Judge and Prophet of Israel.  He gained influence daily.  When the people listened to him and trusted him they where victorious and enjoyed peace in the land.  He became by far the most influential leader of his day.  Three qualities stand out in Samuel and these can also be found in his mother Hannah.

  1. Character – Samuel lived with integrity and honesty in every area of his life.  People trusted him because they knew he had the best interests of Israel in mind.  They also knew that he was close to God through the fruit that was evident in his life.  His mother Hannah was also a woman of great Character in how she did not lash out at her rival and stayed focused on God.  She was patient yet persistent in her pursuit of God.
  2. Surrendered – Samuel was gifted by God, because he was surrendered to God.  He was willing to completely trust God with every part of his life and God chose to use him to lead a Nation.  God gave him the gifts and abilities he needed to judge and lead a Nation.  Hannah laid that foundation by also being fully surrendered to God, even giving her first born son to God.  God takes full responsibility for a man or woman that is fully surrendered to God.
  3. Connected – Samuel knew how to connect with people and with God.  His heart was in tune with God’s heart and therefore he loved the people that God loved.  When the people knew how much he cared they were encouraged and trusted him even further.  Samuel was only able to connect this well with people because of his connection with God.  Hannah again laid that foundation for her son, by persisting in prayer and staying close to the heart of God.

All of us can be more like Hannah and Samuel.  No matter what our situation is, we can be persistent in our prayers and petitions to God.  That persistence will help us to build character, be completely surrendered and stay close and connected to God and other people.  Over time that will lead to greater influence with the people around us.  So whatever you are facing today, God wants you to persevere and continue to talk to Him about the situation.