Category: Marriage

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What Love Really Means

I have been thinking a lot about marriage lately. I have had individuals and couples coming to me asking for help. Many are broken, hurting, confused and angry. As I listen to the different stories of heartache and struggle, my advice is usually similar to anyone I talk with.

  • Focus on yourself and making changes that will make you a better person
  • Re-Focus on your relationship with God and growing more intimate with Him
  • Listen carefully to what Jesus says

Today I was reading in the book of John and came across this amazing command that Jesus gave us. It is very simple yet profound and if put into practice can dramatically change us and our relationships. It’s found in John Chapter 13 verse 34 – “A new command I give you: Love one another. That’s the first part of the verse, and you might be saying to yourself OK but how do I do that? I know I should love her, but I don’t have any feelings for her anymore. I know I should love him but I just don’t.

Jesus is using the word love here as an action, a verb, not a noun. Some people would define love as the feeling you feel when you feel a feeling like you’ve never felt before. That is not what Jesus is talking about here. Love is not a feeling or a thing, it is an action. Jesus is telling us to love one another through how we treat each other, how we talk to each other, how we think about each other.

Later in the book of Ephesians Paul talks about Submitting to each other, which is another way of saying love each other through the action of submitting.

The rest of verse 34 says this – “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” So here is the marriage saving, relationship changing question – How do I love other people like Jesus loves me?

Jesus is commanding us to love one another at the same level as he loved us. His love was sacrificial. Jesus says that when we love like he loves it shows we are his disciples. If you are a follower of Christ, you represent his church. So do people see bickering, jealousy, disunity, gossip, anger, bitterness, pride and ego instead of unconditional love.

Love is more than warm fuzzy feelings, those feelings come and go; its an attitude that reveals itself in action. Love is something that must be learned and improved over time. This type of love does not come naturally, but supernaturally from God. So, how can we love others, including our spouse, as Jesus loves us?

  • By helping when it’s inconvenient
  • By serving when we would rather be served
  • By giving when it hurts
  • By showing kindness and gentleness
  • By listening
  • By believing the best instead of the worst
  • By persevering through the tough times
  • By making time in our busy schedules (not just time but quality time)
  • By slowing down to notice when someone is hurting and do something to help
  • By asking for forgiveness and forgiving others
  • By resolving conflict, instead of burying it

Now go read what Paul has to say in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 about this kind of love.

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Loving Well

We all want to have close loving relationships. Whether it is your family or friends we want those relationships to be healthy and last a long time. It’s the same in our marriage relationships. Our desire is to have a long, happy, healthy marriage. I’ve studying about love and relationships for a while now and thought I would write about how to make love last.

The Bible has a lot to say about this topic. Relationships are highly valued by God. He told us to love Him with all we have and to love other people. 1 Corinthians chapter thirteen is the most famous teaching about love. It is used in most weddings and many vows. The Apostle Paul is teaching about the way of love, kind of a reminder about how to love other people, especially your spouse. I want to focus on verses 4-7. In verses 4, 5 & 6 he talks about things most of us would agree are very important in loving another person.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” I think we all agree those are hugely important in any love relationship. Then he says something that has always bothered me. He uses a word I don’t like to use much, he says always, not once but four times. “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” The Message version says this: “Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end.”

Always, really, how is that possible? The more I thought about it the more I am convinced that this is the key to a long, happy love relationship. Let me explain.

In every relationship there are expectations. When those expectations are not met there is a gap. It is in that gap that we have a choice to make. Do we choose to assume the worse about the other person or do we believe the best. When someone you love lets you down and does not do what he said do you always look for the best or do you go negative.

In a business book called “The One Thing You Need To Know” by Marcus Buckingham he talks about a study that was done on happily married couples. They were looking for the one thing that was common with happily married couples. They thought the answer would be that they knew each other well and had clear expectations about each other. That was based on studying couples that were struggling in their marriages. What they found was just the opposite. They found that happily married couples had an unrealistic view of their spouse. In questions about their spouse they always rated them higher than the person rated themselves. The study discovered that couples that choose to believe the best about their spouse until proven otherwise were much more happy in their relationship.

Another way of saying it is that they make charitable judgements about each other. When he is late from work again, she thinks and believes that he is working hard on some important things and is grateful that he provides for the family. When she forgets to pay a bill again, he thinks and believes that she has been busy and things have been a little crazy lately.

When one of your expectations is not met, what do you choose to do? Do you choose to believe the best and spiral upward in love or do you assume the worst and spiral downward in love? Think back to when you were falling in love with this person. You did not notice the negative things, because you were so focused on the good things. The happiest couples were the ones that have maintained that in their marriage.

When you choose to believe the best, you draw the other person closer to you. You cause the other person to want to be with you. When you go negative, even if you are right, you push the other person further away from you. No one wants to disappoint someone they love. When you assume the worst and say those negative words you are contributing to the damage of your relationship.

This principle works for any relationship. How do you respond to your children when they don’t meet your expectations? How about your parents, your friends, your brother or sister?

Read it again: “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

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Mentoring

I believe in mentoring. I have had key people throughout my life that have been mentors for me and have helped me to grow and become who I am today. I have also been a mentor to others and tried to help them on their journey as well. As I look back over the people that have influenced my character, work ethic and faith, I must say that I was impacted more dramatically by a few important people, than anything else. Some of my mentors have been through reading books or listening to talks, but the most impactful have been the ones I met with face to face.

I work at NewPointe Community Church and we have been implementing a mentoring ministry over the last several years. A definition of a mentor is a trusted counselor or guide, a teacher or coach. Another great definition would be: Mentoring is the process of opening our lives to others, of sharing our lives with others; a process of living for the next generation.

Mentoring is a relationship in which a mentor helps a protege reach her/his God-given potential.

At NewPointe we have Pre-marital Mentors that help engaged couples prepare for marriage. We have Marriage Mentors that mentor couples that are struggling in their marriage. We have men and women mentors that mentor one-on-one other men and women. In each of these relationships the focus is helping the mentee take their next step spiritually, relationally or emotionally.

Mentoring allows a couple or an individual to give time to another couple or individual. Time to listen to them, encourage them, share wisdom with them and help them view their situation in a new light. Our mentors help prepare people for the next step in their lives. They help to repair and reconcile damaged relationships and help to maximize or deepen and enrich current relationships.

When you take the approach of one couple at a time and one individual at a time you can make a bigger difference, because you are up close and personal. This ministry allows mentors to speak truth into the lives of their mentees. God has been bringing couples and individuals with the gift of mentoring to our mentoring team. Couples that have been through hard times and were able to reconcile make great mentor couples. Individuals that have been through hardships like addictions, divorce, grief, job loss, bankruptcy and other difficult experiences make great mentors as well. We try to match up mentors with people that are going through similar experiences as they did.

If you have experienced depression, you can relate to someone that is struggling with depression. If you and your spouse went through a separation or an affair and were able to reconcile, you can use that bad experience to help a couple that is going through it right now.

I hope you get the idea. God never wastes a hurt, He uses it to minister to and mentor other people if you are willing to make yourself available.

I believe that Marriage mentoring is a key to reducing the divorce rate, because it prepares people for marriage and it helps couples reconnect and reconcile. At NewPointe mentoring is required for anyone to get married by one of our pastors. We also require people asking for financial assistance to meet with a mentor. This ministry is already making a difference in peoples lives, helping them, preparing them, enriching them and encouraging them.

I hope you will consider finding a mentor and being a mentor.

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20 Years


Today I am celebrating 20 years of marriage. As I reflect on all those years I must say it has been mostly good. Of course we have had some hard times, like every marriage. We have learned from those difficult times and continue to work at it. For a marriage to last it takes each person learning, changing and growing. Practicing forgiveness and working through conflict. It takes spending time together and communicating well.

My wife has been a huge part of my life and my growth. She has great discernment and can see things that I do not see. She has common sense, which helps me avoid mistakes, if I listen. She is very organized and pays attention to details, which has helped me improve in that area as well. She is thrifty and content, which has helped us financially. She has a love for cats, which has rubbed off on me as well.

She is an excellent cook and has learned a lot about eating and living healthy. That has helped me to lose weight and eat much more healthy. She also is a hard worker and I am amazed at how much she can get done. Sometimes I just stand back and watch her go. She also loves to volunteer and help out behind the scenes – I love that about her.

She is my best friend, and I am looking forward to many more years together.

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How’s Your Tank Level

I have been talking with many couples over the past several weeks. Many of the stories I hear are similar. Their tanks are empty and their feelings have changed. They are hurting, frustrated and tired. When your “love” tank is empty, the small things bother you and hurt you even more. If you are in a relationship, what are you doing to fill the other person’s tank? Have you been siphoning off or filling up their tank?

Maybe your tank is empty and you have no interest in filling the other person’s tank. On your own that will be hard, but ask God to help you take the first step in pouring something into their tank. Odds are they are running on empty as well. If you take the initiative the other person is much more likely to start filling your tank.

Now you need to know what fills their tank. Water will not run a car, it takes gasoline. You need to find out what their gasoline is and then pump it every day. Don’t wait on the other person start today – even a drop is better than nothing.

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How to be a Good Listener

Relationships can be hard work. Especially the marriage relationship. I am reminded of that over and over in my own marriage and other important relationships. A big part of deepening your relationships is to listen and communicate well. I came across this short article by Dr. Gary Chapman that did a nice job of explaining how to be a good listener. Take the time to read this and then start applying it to your relationships.

How to Be a Good Listener by Dr. Gary Chapman

You’re probably familiar with the five love languages–quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts and physical touch. Did you know quality time has many dialects? One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversation. By quality conversation, I mean sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.

Have you ever wondered if you’re a good listener? How can you improve in this area? Here are eight steps to becoming a sympathetic listener.

1. Maintain eye contact when you are listening to someone. This keeps your mind from wandering and communicates that the person has your full attention. Refrain from rolling your eyes in disgust, closing your eyes when they give you a low blow, looking over their head, or staring at their shoes while they are talking.

2. Don’t engage in other activities while you are listening to another individual. Remember, quality time is giving someone your undivided attention.

3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself: “What are this person’s emotions right now?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, “It sounds like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot…” That gives the person a chance to clarify his/her feelings. It also communicates that you are listening intently to what they are saying.

4. Observe body language. Clenched fists, trembling hands, tears, furrowed brows, and eye movement may give you clues as to what the person is feeling. Sometimes body language speaks one message while words speak another. Ask for clarification to make sure you know what the person is really thinking and feeling.

5. Refuse to interrupt.

6. Ask reflective questions.

7. Express understanding. The person needs to know that he/she has been heard and understood.

8. Ask if there is anything you might do that would be helpful. Notice, you are asking, not telling the person what she ought to do. Never give advice until you are sure the other person wants it.

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What did you say?

Most people that I talk to would say they are above average as a driver, above average on sense of humor and above average on listening. I must say that I would say that about myself as well.

The fact is that most of people are not good listeners. I won’t get into the driving and sense of humor thing.

As a leader, listening is a vital characteristic for success. Unfortunately many leader’s are terrible listeners. They are often thinking about what to say next themselves, or how to respond back. I see this often in marriage relationships and in parenting as well. By the way, if you are married or a parent, you are definitely a leader. Spouses and parents that do a poor job of listening usually leads to conflict and damage to the relationships.

If you want to improve your leadership at home and at work, focus on improving your listening skills this week. Here are some conclusions about good listening:

  1. Understanding people comes before leading them
  2. You learn the most by listening
  3. Listening can keep problems from escalating
  4. Listening establishes trust
  5. Listening can improve all your relationships
  6. Listening to understand helps avoid misunderstandings
  7. Listening shows you care.

Try to be a focused listener the next time you are in a meeting or talking with someone you love.

  • Repeat back to the person speaking what you heard them say.
  • Maintain good eye contact.
  • Ask questions to help you understand and clarify what was said.
  • Take some notes of what is being said.
  • Pay attention to the non-verbals like tone of voice and facial expressions.
  • Seek out the thoughts, opinions, and feelings of others.
  • Listen 80% of the time and talk 20% of the time.

If you can do that on a consistent basis, you will see drastic improvements in your relationships and in your leadership.

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Mentoring

This week I spent time with two engaged couples. They are both getting married in May, and I am mentoring them. I will meet with them 5-7 times over the next couple of months. We (NewPointe Community Church) use an online inventory called FOCCUS. They take the online inventory, and then we print out a report and go over the results with them. There are many categories like, lifestyle expectations, friends and interests, extended family, personal issues, sexuality, problem solving, communication, marriage covenant, and more.

I also will give them exercises to take home and work on. The first one is to fill out their family tree and interview some family to find out about grandparents, aunts and uncles etc.

I love to hear their stories of how they met and how they are working on their relationship. These two couples are working and preparing for a lifetime together. The work they put in now will payoff big time down the road. Having the hard conversations before marriage is always better. Making sure you have discussed and agreed on many of these areas is vital to a healthy marriage.

The skills they are learning now will help them work through the difficulties ahead. It is time well spent.

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Divorce

I am passionate about reducing the divorce rate in Tuscarawas County. The rate of divorce in Tuscarawas County was 69% in 2006. That is up 5% from 2003. The rate for the state of Ohio is 55%.

What if I said we could cut that rate in half in the next 10 years. Would that get your attention?

There are proven ways to work at reducing the rate of divorce. The best approach is to pull the local churches, local government leader’s and other local leader’s together to form a strategy.

Part of the strategy would be to work at better preparing couples for marriage, offering marriage enrichment events and activities, mentoring and coaching troubled marriages, offering support groups for blended families and more.

If anyone is interested in being a part of a movement to lower the divorce rate, please contact me or comment. NewPointe Community Church is part of a program called Marriage Savers. Marriage Savers has done the research and put together a great program that is designed to bring a community together to make a lasting difference in families.

I am believing God is going to do something BIG in 2009. The local church can impact a community and change a community, if we work together.

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Let’s Talk about SEX

This past Sunday the Sermon topic at NewPointe Community Church was about Sex. We are in a series called “Worlds Apart”. You can listen to past messages on line or download them from iTunes. Basically we are looking at some of the hot topics like, sex, money and suffering from God’s perspective as compared to the worlds perspective.

I recently finished reading two books on the topic of sex. I highly recommend both of these books. The first is called “Every Man’s Battle” by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. They also have a version out for women, young men and young women. Every man should read this book. My men’s group has been reading this and we are trying to grow in this area of our lives. This book is about sexual temptation and how to have victory over those temptations. In today’s world, sex is everywhere you look. Sex sells and people know it. It is used in advertising, in entertainment on TV and in the movies. It is everywhere you turn.

For men, sex has a very powerful pull. Most men are very visual and therefore our eyes can get us in a lot of trouble. The book gives a simple 10 question test to see how you are doing with sexual temptation:

  1. Do you lock on when an attractive woman comes near you?
  2. Do you masturbate to images of other women?
  3. Have you found your wife to be less sexually satisfying?
  4. Are you holding a grudge against your wife-a grudge that gives you a sense of entitlement?
  5. Do you seek out sexually arousing articles or photo spreads in newspapers and magazines?
  6. Do you have a private place or secret compartment that you keep hidden from your wife?
  7. Do you look forward to going away on a business trip?
  8. Do you have behaviors that you can’t share with your wife?
  9. Do you frequent porn-related sites on the Internet?
  10. Do you watch R-rated movies, sexy videos, or the steamy Cable channels for gratification?

“If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re lurking at the door of sexual addiction. You’re inside that door if you can answer yes to the following questions”:

  1. Do you watch pay-per-view sexually explicit TV channels at home or on the road?
  2. Do you purchase pornography on the Internet?
  3. Do you rent adult movies?
  4. Do you watch nude dancing?
  5. Do you call 900-numbers to have phone sex?
  6. Do you practice voyeurism?

I know these are pretty heavy questions, but this is a huge problem. Not only in the world, but in the church. Many Christians are addicted to sex. That bondage is slowly destroying men, marriages and families. I am serious that every man should read this book and get real about the temptations we are facing. You have to make a decision about whether you want to be pure or not. If you want to know God’s standards on sex, here are some Scriptures to go read:

Matthew 5:28, Mark 7:21-23, Acts 15:23, Romans 13:12-13, 1 Corinthians 5:11, 1 Corinthians 6:18, 2 Corinthians 12:21, Galatians 5:16,19, Ephesians 5:3-4, Colossians 3:5-6, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5,7, Hebrews 12:16, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Peter 4:3, Jude 7, Revelation 2:14, Revelation 2:20 and Revelation 21:8.

Here are some takeaways from the authors on these Scriptures and God’s Standards for Christians:

  • Sexual immorality begins with the lustful attitudes of our sinful natures. It is rooted in the darkness within us. Therefore sexual immorality, like other sins that enslave believers, will incur God’s wrath.
  • Our bodies were not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, who has both created us and called us to live in sexual purity. His will is that every Christian be sexually pure-in thoughts and his words as well as his actions.
  • Therefore it is holy and honorable to completely avoid sexual immorality-to repent of it, to flee from it, and to put it to death in our lives, as we live by the Spirit. We’ve spent enough time living like pagans in a passionate lust.
  • We should not be in close association with other Christians who persist in sexual immorality.
  • If you entice others to sexual immorality, Jesus Himself has something against you.

OK, so that is a pretty high standard. On our own we cannot do it, but if we plug into God’s power he can help break the chains that keep us in bondage. The first step is to really want to be free from this and make that decision to obey God’s commands.

Guys, this battle is real and it is hard. Don’t take it lightly, because it can sneak up on you. It starts with some very innocent things and slowly begins to creep into our lives. Many men were exposed to pornography at young ages or influenced in a negative way toward sex growing up. It has become so common place that we are immune to many of the warning signs. Before we know it we are in over our heads. If you are struggling with this, go get some help. Find an accountability partner, Get some counseling from your pastor or Christian Counselor, get rid of the computer, burn the magazines. Whatever it takes to start back on the road to purity. Purity paves the way to intimacy, and that is what we want in our marriages.

Ladies, your man is in a battle every day. He is facing an enemy that uses sex as a way to take out as many men as he can. This is something you should talk about together as a couple. How can you help him to resist those temptations and have victory. Sex is a wonderful thing, when it is done in a marriage relationship. God created sex for our enjoyment! Having a healthy sex life in the marriage relationship will go a long way in helping a man win the battle of sexual temptation.

The other book I just finished is “Sheet Music – Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” by Dr. Kevin Leman. More on that in a later Blog.

I think it is great that churches are choosing to speak up on this topic of sex. Many churches are addressing this and exposing the truth about sex. I am thankful that NewPointe is one of them.