I recently started reading a book call “How the Mighty Fall” by Jim Collins. It’s about how great companies can decline and actually cease to exist. This can happen very quickly or over a long period of time. He has identified 5 stages of decline for companies that fall. As I was reading this it occurred to me that I see similarities in our relationships that fall. Whether it’s a marriage relationship, dating relationship, friendships or family relationships.
The first stage toward decline is what he calls “Hubris Born of Success”. This stage kicks in when a person becomes arrogant, thinking they have arrived in this relationship and we don’t have many problems. They start to drift away from the foundations of what made this a great relationship. It’s the idea of courtship and pursuing your mate and then after marriage you become lax and a bit more selfish. When you are falling in love, often you are blind to warning signs.
Stage 2 is “Undisciplined Pursuit of More”. Collins says this is when companies go for more scale, more growth, more acclaim, more of whatever they view as success. Maybe getting into areas they cannot be great at, or growing too fast. In relationships this is when we start doing things that are not best for the relationship, but feel like success. It could be after getting married you need that new house and other material stuff. It could be having children right away. It could be getting married too quickly and not taking time to date and build a foundation. In a dating relationship it may be moving in together and living together, or starting to have sex. In other relationships it could be always doing the things you like instead of finding out what the other person likes.
Stage 3 is called “Denial of Risk and Peril”. At this stage internal warning signs are going off, yet we ignore them and keep doing what we are doing. We might discount negative feedback we get from our spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend or friends. We justify behavior and blame external factors for our problems. We think this is just a temporary setback and things will get better soon. We don’t take advice from people trying to help. We hope things will get better, yet don’t make any changes.
Stage 4 is called “Grasping for Salvation”. Things have continued to decline and get worse and now we see there really is a problem. Now we start looking for the quick fix. We start trying to find an easy way to get things back on track. It might be getting a book to read on marriage or relationships. Maybe even starting talking with someone about the problem. We watch Dr. Phil faithfully. Maybe we even start going to church again or get in a small group. Calling your pastor or counselor and schedule an appointment, hoping they can fix this mess.
Stage 5 is called “Capitulation to Irrelevance or death.” This is when the relationship ends. It’s usually when the feeling is hopelessness. Nothing we have tried has worked and we are tired of trying to fix it. It is easier to just end it and move on.
If you have reached stage 4 in any of your relationships, you can pull out of it, but it will take some courage to get back to the basics of rebuilding the foundation. Usually the ones that make it are the ones that are willing to focus on themselves and making personal changes toward being less selfish, stubborn, closed or angry. Forgiveness is usually the key to turning the relationship around and reconciling. I will write more on Forgiveness in my next post.
If your declining, go back and focus on what built the relationship in the first place. Look at yourself and not the other person. Get help early instead of later. Involve God in this process as well. It is always best to start working on your spiritual growth when you are declining in any of your relationships. That tends to be a major reason why things decline, is because people tend to gradually shut God out of their lives and relationships as they decline. Getting back on track with God can help you get back on track relationally.