Posts

Posted on

Two Boys Making A Difference – Alex & Dominick

Recently NewPointe Community Church started a campaign called 2 coats.  This idea came from one of our creative staff members in our children’s department.  We partnered with Big Brothers and Big Sisters on the goal of coming up with 300 coats.  That was the beginning of some amazing stories.  Let me share two stories that have challenged me and encouraged me.  I want to introduce you to two young boys; Alex who is 7 years old and Dominick who is 6 years old.

Alex made the decision to start saving money earlier this year to donate to the church to help buy a playland at the Canton Campus.  He diligently saved all the money that came his way and had built up a nice stash of $101.01.  While talking with his parents about the money, he thought that maybe instead of saving for the playland, he could use the money to buy coats for the 2 coats campaign  His parents thought that was a great idea, so they went to Old Navy to buy some coats.  After he purchased the coats someone else from the church found out what he did and called Old Navy to let them know about Alex and NewPointe Community Churches 2 coats campaign.  Old Navy loved the story and agreed to give a 30% discount on other coats our church would purchase the following week.  They called the discount the Alex Discount.  They also talked about making a donation to 2 Coats as well.  The same person that called Old Navy also called Fox 8 in Cleveland and they loved the story as well and are coming down this week to interview Alex and Old Navy.  Amazing how one child can make such a big difference.

Dominick also has a great story.  He is turning 7 on November 27th.  While his parents were planning his birthday party, he told them that instead of presents from his friends he wanted to make a donation to a local good cause.  They started looking for some place to make a donation and they had several options, but then the church announced the 2 coats campaign.  Dominick immediately thought it would be great if his friends would bring coats instead of presents and he would donate them all to the program at church.  They mailed out invitations announcing the coats donations and had a chance to share with several parents that Dominick had thought of this himself and about NewPointe and the vision to help people in need.

These two boys are great examples to us all about being generous and showing compassion to other people in need.  I am sure there will be more to each of these stories and there are many others brewing as a result of one idea that inspired many others to be generous.  We collected money to buy more coats at Old Navy over the weekend, and will be announcing that total this coming weekend along with the update on how many coats we have been able to give to Big Brothers & Big Sisters.  The campaign runs until November 27th, so their is still time to join in.  To contact NewPointe click Here

 

Posted on

Canvas Conference Highlights

 

This past weekend we had a conference called Canvas for our volunteers at the Campus I am leading at NewPointe Community Church.  Our team put together a great conference that included interviews with three local restaurant manager’s.  We had the manager from Starbucks talk about building culture and how to leave a lasting impression.  She also talked about how they treat their employees or partners and how they emphasize relationships company wide.  The manager from Chipotle talked about teamwork and the importance of preparation and excellence.  The final interview was with the owner/manager of Chick-fil-a and he talked about how to engage people and provide superior customer experience.  After each speaker we had our volunteers meet with their teams and brainstorm ideas on how we can work on the things we just heard. Each team got a canvas to write down ideas.  It was an amazing day and we are hoping to do it again at other campuses.  This was a day of casting vision on how we can improve and get better at connecting with and reaching the people that come to NewPointe.

I did the opening welcome and shared part of my story about how I stopped going to church in the mid 90’s because I was frustrated with the leadership of my church and was not growing spiritually.  We simply stopped going to church for about a year.  That experience of leaving church and then God working through a variety of people to get my wife and I back into church has helped me to identify with people that are going through similar struggles today.  I understand that people need time to get reconnected and re-engaged in the church.  They need time to determine if this church is any different or just the same old church in a new color.  I understand that many people have given up on the church but not on God.

As I shared that story I also shared why I love NewPointe, and why I believe NewPointe is a different kind of church.

I love that NewPointe Community Church:

  • Is a safe place to hear a life changing message
  • Is willing to talk about the important and difficult issues of life like sex, money, marriage, parenting
  • Helps me apply the Bible to my everyday life
  • Is outward focused rather than inward focused – meaning we are more concerned with reaching people than keeping people
  • Is willing to take risks
  • Embraces change
  • Pursues Excellence, but not perfection
  • Values being healthy emotionally
  • Is big on relationships
  • Is a place that I can serve
  • Wants to partner with parents to impact children for eternity
  • Equips people to become better leader’s
  • Is a creative fun place
  • Is willing to take anyone, no matter what your background, family history or how you look
  • Mentors individuals and couples that are struggling with life
  • Empowers people to lead and serve
  • Keeps things simple
  • Has a vision to Change the World!

This conference was a great place to express to our volunteers how important they are because every person that walks through our doors has a story and we get to contribute to the story God is writing in their lives. As a church we can also learn from other organizations on how to serve the people around us and to build a team to make a difference in our community and around the world.

Posted on

Healthy Emotions, Healthy Relationships

Most of life is about relationships, and the health of those relationships determines the success and happiness we experience.  Our lives are either up or down based on the health of the relationships around us.  Whether it is the relationship with a spouse, a child, a parent, a brother or sister, a boyfriend or girlfriend, a boss or a co-worker, a friend or even God; when things are going well we tend to feel good and when they are going bad we feel down.

God made us to be relational by nature.  His design for us was to not lone, but in community or relationship with others.  The health of all of our relationships depends a lot on our own emotional health.  We cannot control what other people do, think or say, but we can control what we do, think or say.  Most of the problems in our marriages and other vital relationships stem from being unhealthy in our own emotions.

We all have emotional baggage that we carry with us.  Wounds from previous relationships tend to stay with us and affect how we interact with the people around us.  The scars from those wounds can actually cause us to think and act in unhealthy ways, because we are trying to protect ourselves from getting wounded again.  Many people have also observed or lived around unhealthy relationships that have influenced how they now handle conflict or deal with difficult situations.  All of this stuff from our past causes us to have deep rooted fears that keep us from living life the way God intended.

So here is the question; How do we overcome these fears and live life to the fullest?

There is no easy way in which to do this.  However, a great first step is to go back in order to go forward.  By going back, I do not mean to dwell on your past, what I mean is to deal with your past.  One of the best ways I have found to do this is through a process called “Steps to Freedom in Christ” by Neil Anderson.  I have taken many people through this process and have seen amazing results.  I highly recommend using the booklet to walk through these steps and to do it with a spiritual mentor.  Here are the Seven steps:

  1. Counterfeit vs. Real – This first step is all about renouncing the things from our past that we may have dabbled in that are not of God, and that may have contributed to believing lies about ourselves, God and other people.
  2. Deception vs. Truth – The second step is a process of identifying lies that we may believed or have believed in the past and replacing them with the truth.  There is a set of truth statements that I use often for myself and the people I mentor to read through and focus on.
  3. Bitterness vs. Forgiveness – The third step is often one of the biggest and most freeing step as we work through the process of forgiveness.  This exercise is one of the most powerful exercises I have done personally or with someone else.
  4. Rebellion vs. Submission – Step four is about admitting our tendency to rebel and to ask for God’s help in submitting in a healthy way.
  5. Pride vs. Humility – Step five is often hard, but vital in gaining emotional and spiritual freedom.  Admitting to areas of pride and seeking humility leads to incredible strength and freedom.
  6. Bondage vs. Freedom – The sixth step is about admitting all the sins that we have struggled with in our life and asking God for forgiveness.  There are specific prayers to pray based on what types of sins may be keeping us in bondage.
  7. Curses vs. Blessing – This last step has to do with the sins of our family.  Every family has generational sins that have been passed down from generation to generation.  This can stop with you.

There are prayers included at the end that are helpful in maintaining freedom and keeping God central in our lives.

Once a year we should all do a spiritual and emotional check up and this is one way to do that.  This is all about allowing God to heal the wounds and eliminate the scars from our past, so that we can live in freedom and have healthy relationships moving forward.

Posted on

The Heart Of Conflict

 

I have been teaching a class on Resolving Conflict based on the book The Peacemaker by Ken Sande.  The material is wonderful and the class has been very good.  As I have been reading and studying conflict, there are some insights that I have found very helpful.  I will share a few here, hoping this will help people understand why they have conflict in their lives.

In James 4:1-3 it says:

What causes fights and quarrels among you?  Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You want something but don’t get it.  You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want.  You quarrel and fight.  You do not have, because you do not ask God.  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

What an amazing portion of Scripture, as we look into the root of why we have conflict in our lives.  Jesus talked about this in Matthew 15:19:  “Out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”    Ken Sande says “These passages describe the root cause of conflict:  “unmet desires in our hearts.“  I would add to that the emotion of fear, as we fear our desires will not be met or we fear a certain outcome.

Some desires we have are unhealthy, like revenge, lust, greed, jealously.  Some of the desires we have can be good, like a happy marriage, a loving spouse, respectful children, a raise a work, a promotion, for people to respect you, a new iPad or a growing church.  The problem is when someone or something blocks us from having these desires, conflict happens.  Sande shares that there are basically two options at this point; God’s way or our way.

God’s way:

  • Trust God and seek your fulfillment in Him – “Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you.”  Psalm 73:25.  When we see ourselves as God sees us and completely trust Him for all things, He will give us what we need to overcome anything that comes our way.
  • Ask God to help you continue to grow and mature no matter what the other person does – “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  James 1:2-4
  • Continue to love the other person who is blocking your desire, pray for God’s sanctifying work in his or her life, and wait for the Lord to open the door for progress at a later time – “We love because he first loved us.  If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar.  For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.  And he has given us this command:  Whoever loves God must love his brother.”  1John 4:19-21
  • By choosing God’s way, He promises to bless you and, no matter what the other person does, to use your difficult situation to conform you to the likeness of Christ – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.”  Romans 8:28-29

Our Way:

  • We demand – When we see something as being essential to our fulfillment and well-being, it moves from being a desire to a demand.
  • We judge – When a person demands something of another and that person does not listen, we can quickly judge them.  We judge others by criticizing, nit-picking, nagging, attacking and condemning.  This can also quickly lead to feeling superior, condemning, bitter or resentful.
  • We Punish – Whether deliberately or unconsciously, we will find ways to hurt or punish people so that they will give in to our desires.  It may be through hurtful words, using guilt or shame, stomping and slamming, ignoring, withholding love or respect or even physical abuse.  Inflicting pain on others is one of the surest signs that an unhealthy desire is ruling our hearts.

So here are a few questions to ponder:

  • How am I punishing others?
  • How am I judging others?
  • What am I demanding to have?
  • What is the root desire of that demand?
  • What am I preoccupied with?  The first thing on my mind in the morning.
  • How would I fill in this blank?:  “If only _______, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure.”
  • Where do I put my trust?
  • What or Who do I fear?
  • When a certain desire is not met, do I feel frustration, anxiety, resentment, bitterness, anger, or depression?
  • How can you cultivate a more passionate love for and worship of God?

Take some time to answer these questions honestly.  Ask God to reveal areas where you have gone your way instead of His way.

Posted on

The Art of Confrontation

 

Conflict is all around us, none of us can escape conflict.  We try to avoid it, we try to minimize it, we try to attack it but we should resolve it.  Usually the way to reach resolution is through confrontation.  In a conflict situation the best way to obtain peace is to start by confronting the issue.  The problem is for most of us the idea of confronting is not something we are good at and we often do it in the wrong way.  This will usually cause the conflict to get worse.  Jesus was very good at confrontation.  He gave us some clear examples of how to do it.  One of those times is in John 8:48-59.  Jesus is having a showdown with some of the leader’s of the Jews.  Here are four steps Jesus used to get to the heart of the issue:

  1. He was clear and direct – Often times when we confront we are not able to be clear, because our emotions are clouding our thinking.  The best way to confront someone is by being as clear and direct as possible.  This should not be done in a condescending way or in an aggressive attacking way.
  2. He did not draw attention to himself – He did not get all emotional and throw a temper tantrum.  He didn’t puff himself up and try to make himself look good or look smarter.
  3. He laid out the issues and asked for a decision – Many times we don’t lay out all the cards, or if we do, we don’t ask for a decision.  If the person needs more time to process and think, give them time but come back to the real issues and how to resolve them.
  4. He trusted God to justify and reveal the truth – Sometimes we can’t completely resolve a situation, but we should always try.  We must trust that God is going to continue to work in this situation as long we are being obedient to owning our part of the conflict and confronting in a loving way with the right motives.

Here are some more takeaways on the right way to confront:

  1. Clarify the desired relationship you wish to have
  2. Make sure you have the right motives, speak the truth in love
  3. Define the unacceptable behavior
  4. Highlight your values and priorities, what’s important to you?
  5. List the conduct that illustrate your point – be specific
  6. Share the possible consequences if no resolution can be reached
  7. Offer hope for a new future – reconciliation is the goal

Resolving conflict is never easy, but always worth the effort.

Posted on

Spiritual Leadership

 


Leadership has been a passion of mine for a long time.  The ability to lead well makes all the difference in any organization.  That is why a leader can never stop growing.  We all have different styles of leading, and the best leaders are able to use different styles of leading in different situations.  I happen to lead at a church and so there is a spiritual element to the way in which I lead.  Spiritual leadership is much different than the way most leaders lead.  Here are some insights on how a spiritual leader leads well:

  1. To Gain influence a spiritual leader loves and cares for people.
  2. To build confidence a spiritual leader depends on and trusts God.
  3. To acquire authority a spiritual leader serves the people around them.
  4. To grow an organization a spiritual leader develops and mentors people.
  5. A Spiritual leaders vision and passion comes from having an eternal perspective.
  6. Success for a spiritual leader is obeying the Lord.
  7. The heart of a spiritual leader is love for God and people.

Leading well is not about the things you accomplish but the people that you influence and the legacy you leave behind.  Lead and serve well.

Posted on

5 Mistakes Women Make in Marriage

My last post was about the mistakes a lot of the guys make in their marriage.  That was easy for me to write about as I am one of those guys.  Writing about mistakes women make in marriage is a little more challenging.  This comes from years of counseling couples and listening to their frustrations and problems.  Just like my post about the guys, I am sure there are other things that could be mentioned, but let’s start with these five for now.  These are similar to the mistakes that men make.

  1. Loving your husband conditionally – This is what I call performance based love.  When the man performs a certain way or does what is expected, the wife tends to show love and respect.  The real test of love is when that is not happening.  When expectations are not met and his behavior is not what you want, do you love him less?  Maybe you wouldn’t say you love him less, but does your response and behavior communicate that to him or does it communicate that when he straightens up then you will show him some love?
  2. Not making sex a priority – Just like the men, women can make the mistake of thinking that men should approach intimacy the same as them.  Men are not as emotional as women and therefore most guys don’t connect emotionally very well.  For most men the thought of intimacy means sex.  Physical intimacy is how most men feel close to their wives.  Without that type of intimacy they can feel unloved.  It may be enough for you to talk, hug and kiss, but for most guys that just gets the engine running.  Talk with your husband about sex and see what happens.  Life can be very busy and hectic, and it can be hard to have time for the two of you to be intimate, but if you don’t it’s a big mistake.
  3. Forgetting how to be your husbands friend – One of the things I have observed in many marriages is that they are no longer best friends.  Most guys desire their wives to be their best friends.  That means doing fun stuff together, hanging out, going out to eat and being able to talk about what is going on in their lives.  Find something you can do together to have fun and relieve stress.  Go back to the days when you were dating.  When you acted like you were interested in sports or cars or his work.  When you did that it made him feel important and that he was sharing his life with you.  He needs you to be his friend, not his mother.
  4.  Not encouraging your husband – Most men crave encouragement.  The way you speak to your husband will say a lot about your relationship.  When you encourage your man, he feels respected, which is even more important to him than love.  Encouragement can come through words either spoken or in writing.  It can also just be simple body language that communicates to him that you are proud of him and think that he is doing a great job.  Being there for him in the important moments of his life whether that is at work or with one of his hobbies.  So when was the last time you encouraged your husband in a positive way?
  5. Not being clear in your communication – Men and women think differently, see things differently, hear things differently and communicate differently.  One of the mistakes some women make is to expect their man to pick up on what is going on in your life.  Most guys are not that observant.  It really helps when you clearly state why you are upset or what you would like us to do.  Hinting about it is very frustrating for most men.  Most men are pretty simple and when communication becomes complicated they tend to shut down.  The more clear you communicate, the fewer misunderstandings tend to happen.  You also need to be aware of your nonverbal communication.  You might be saying something but communicating another because of your tone of voice and facial expressions.  So understand your own communication style and his and make any adjustments necessary.  If communication is a big problem in your marriage, I recommend you get some help.  Go get help from a mentor or counselor.  I recommend you don’t demand he go with you, but let him know you would like him to go if he wants to, but that you want to go to try to improve yourself so you can be a better wife.

I hope some of those thoughts were helpful.  My last thought is this.  Don’t make the mistake of not building spiritual intimacy with your husband.  It may only be you praying for him in the beginning, but that can be very powerful.  Remember you can’t change him, you can only change yourself.

Posted on

5 Mistakes Men Make In Marriage

Healthy relationships take work and a willingness to learn and grow.  For men this can be a very challenging thing.  Most men tend to struggle in relationships because we don’t realize some of the mistakes we are making.  Marriage is the closest relationship we have and as men we need to make some big changes in order to have happy, healthy marriages.  Just a quick word to the guys reading this.  Most guys work hard at improving themselves in their work life.  We study, practice, and learn from more experienced people in order to become better at our jobs.  We do the same thing with our hobbies.  Why should it be any different when it comes to the most important relationship in our lives.

So here are 5 mistakes that I have made along with most men.  Now there are probably a lot more mistakes that the ladies reading this can come up with, but that would feel like nagging and most guys would tune that out quickly.  Here are the top 5 things guys can work on to quickly improve their relationship with their wives:

  1. Loving Our Wives Conditionally – This is hard to admit for most guys, because we like to think that we love our wives unconditionally.  The reality is that most men have conditions for their love.  If she performs in the way we like, we express love to her.  When she cleans the house, takes care of the children, cook the food, and run the household then we are happy and love her.  However when things don’t go like we think it should we tend to get angry, frustrated, disappointed and withhold love.  When she does not show us the respect we think we should have we don’t love her the way we should.
  2. Thinking Her Definition Of Intimacy Is The Same As Ours – When men think about intimacy we usually think sex.  This is not the case for our wives.  It’s about an emotional connection, being able to talk about the important stuff going on in her life.  She see’s intimacy as a deep emotional connection, when we take the time to really focus on her and listen without trying to fix things.  For most women the emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy are very much connected.  For men we tend to keep them separate.
  3. Not Encouraging Our Wives Enough – Many wives do a ton of things that go unnoticed.  Running a household, caring for children, preparing food, planning schedules, paying bills working outside the home, volunteering at school or church.  Most of us husbands take all this for granted and don’t thank and encourage our wives nearly enough.  We can’t say it often enough.  When we take the time to notice all the things she does and thank her specifically for them, it sends a message to her that she is valuable, important and treasured.
  4. Not knowing her Love Language – There are five love languages that express love to the people in our lives.  In marriage this is a vital part of developing a close healthy relationship.  Most of us guys don’t even think about how to express love to our wives let alone understanding what her love language is.  We usually speak our own love language to our wives, which may not be her top love language.  So here are the five areas:  Words of Affirmation/Encouragement, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Acts of Service & Physical Touch.  When we take the time to find out which of those are more meaningful to our wives we send a message that we care and want to love her better.  When we actually do it on a regular basis our marriage will improve dramatically.  Remember actions speak louder than words.  To learn more about the Five Love Languages read the book by that title by author Gary Chapman.
  5. Not Building Spiritual Intimacy With Our Wives – If we want our marriages to go from good to great, then we need to bring the spiritual element into our marriages.  Most of us men don’t ever connect with our wives on a spiritual level.  This adds a whole new dimension of intimacy that is missing in most marriages.  When we as men take the lead on spiritual stuff, it sends a message to our wives that we desire to grow with them.  Being on the same page spiritually brings peace & strength to the relationship.  Couples that are spiritually active together rarely get divorced.  This would include things like church attendance, small group participation, praying together, praying for each other daily, doing devotions together, having spiritual conversations attending seminars or classes together, praying with and for your children.  When we take the initiative to lead our families spiritually amazing transformation starts to happen.  This all starts with us making a commitment to grow spiritually ourselves.  We cannot force this on our wives, but we can start with ourselves.

Well guys, I hope this was a helpful start in making adjustments or changes in your marriage relationship.  My next post will be on 5 Mistakes Women make in marriage.

Posted on

5 Steps to a Healthy Marriage

This week and gave a speech on healthy marriages at a local business.  I was very impressed that the leader of this organization was investing in his employees by offering helpful information on how to be healthy in all parts of their lives.  They have heard talks about finances, wills and physical health and I was now addressing relational health.

If one area of our lives is out of whack it negatively impacts the other parts of our lives even though we think we can compartmentalize each area of our lives.  When our marriage is hurting, it impacts our emotional state and increases the amount of stress we feel on a daily basis.  That stress impacts our work performance, our parenting skills and our ability to focus and make good decisions.

Marriage is difficult because this is the closest we get to another human being, which brings out all the ugly stuff inside us.  We all bring our picture of marriage to the table.  What we have learned about marriage from our parents, television, movies and friends.  Most of it is not accurate and sets us up for disappointment and failure.  These are the 5 steps I shared with that group that I believe are vital to having a healthy marriage.

  1. Understand & Speak the Right Love Language – We each have a love account, like a bank account that needs to to have regular deposits in it to avoid being overdrawn.  If more is taken out of the account than put in we soon feel empty, hurt and unhappy.  The 5 Love Languages are how we make those deposits.  They are all important, but 1 or 2 are usually more important than others to each person.  We often project our love language on the other person instead of discovering which one is most important to them.  When you understand which language speaks love to your spouse and then work at speaking it through actions the marriage relationship grows stronger and healthier.
  • Words of Affirmation – The way in which we speak to each other either builds up or destroys.  If this is a primary love language words hurt or help even more.
  • Acts Of Service – Actively serving the other person by noticing things that need to be done and doing them before being asked.
  • Receiving Gifts – If this is a primary love language receiving a gift like flowers or even a small token make the person feel like they are valuable and special.
  • Quality Time – Planning time together and where we can focus on just on another.  This communicates to the other person that they are the most important person on the schedule.
  • Physical Touch – Hugs, kisses, holding hands, a touch on the shoulder and sex are some of the ways to speak love to a person with this love language.

The way to identify which ones are most important to you is to ask yourself which ones can I do without and which ones can’t I do without.  If you have not been speaking your spouses love language for a while it will be difficult in the beginning because it will feel somewhat fake.  However the more you do it the better you will become and the more likely your spouse will reciprocate.

2.  Understand & Stop the Fear Dance – The fear dance is the cycle we go through when we have conflict.  I get hurt, I want things to be different or change, I feel my emotions like anger, frustration coming up (Core Fear is touched), I respond usually in an unhealthy way and the same cycle happens with my spouse.  We all have core fears like fear of failure, fear of being inadequate, incompetent, unheard, abandon etc.  When we can understand which core fears we have we can better stop the fear dance and resolve conflict in a healthy way.  To learn more about the fear dance read the book “The DNA Of Relationships” by Gary Smalley.

3.  Understand & Nurture the 3 kinds of Intimacy

  • Emotional Intimacy – This is friendship, we should be best friends with our spouse.  Doing fun things together, sharing what is going on in our lives, being completely open and honest with each other.
  • Spiritual Intimacy – This is connecting on a spiritual level by being in agreement on our beliefs and then doing things together that reinforce those beliefs like going to church together, praying together, reading together, talking about spiritual things together and with others that are like minded.
  • Physical Intimacy – This is when we share our bodies with each other and submit to each other physically.  Knowing how to please the other person.  This is usually where we start in a relationship, but the other two need to come first for this to be healthy.

4.  Understand & Change the Way We Communicate – Communication is vital to a healthy marriage, but communication is not just talking.  Here are a few communication ideas to help improve communication.

  • Really Listen – Most of us don’t really listen.  We make attempts at it, but don’t consistently listen well.  Listening is the most important part of communication, because when we listen well we can avoid misunderstandings and we let the other person know that they are valuable and important to us.  By simply listening, we can improve the health of our marriage instantly.
  • Speaker/Listener technique –  This is a simple way to communicate through conflict.  When someone has an issue they want to talk about they have the floor or the microphone.  Using a pen as the microphone the person explains what the issue is.  The other person can only ask clarifying questions and repeat back what the other person said.  When the person with the floor feels heard they turn over the microphone and the other person can share their side.
  • Be interested, not Interesting – This means that instead of sharing everything about yourself and your day and what you accomplished, you are more interested in what your spouse did and how their day went.  By asking some simple questions and then shutting up and listening you communicate that your spouse is important.
  • Know Your Filter – Men see and hear things much differently than women.  Therefore we always need to make sure that we don’t assume this is what the other person meant.  We also have all had different experiences and circumstances in our lives that cause us to filter things in different ways.  Again, don’t jump to conclusions without asking questions like help me to understand what just happened.

5.  Understand & Practice Forgiveness – No relationship will last very long without practicing forgiveness.  Being quick to admit when we are wrong and humbling ourselves will build a healthy marriage.  Forgiveness is not forgetting, but it is the first step toward forgetting.  When we are healed we tend to forget the previous hurts and don’t keep bringing them back up.  Forgiveness does not mean we don’t have boundaries either.  Sometimes we need boundaries until the other person can show a change in behavior, even though we have forgiven them.

These are some things that have helped my marriage over the last 22 years.  Practice them and I am sure things will begin to improve and become more healthy.  Sometimes we need some help getting started and that is when counseling or mentoring can help.  Meeting with a mentor couple or a counselor or both can help you get on track and start reconciliation.  We offer marriage mentoring at NewPointe Community Church for couples that want to restore and rebuild their marriage.  For more information you can check out this website – Marriage 911.

Posted on

Eleven Rules For a Healthy Brain and Body

 

I have been reading a book on brain health, by Daniel Amen.  If ind it very interesting.  His overall theme is that most people’s brains are not very healthy because of the poor nutrition, lack of exercise & lack of sleep.  I just finished reading the chapter on nutrition and thought I would share the Eleven rules the author shares for our best nutrition.  By following these rules, we can lose weight, lower blood pressure, bad cholesterol, increase focus and energy and enjoy life much more.  So here they are:

      1. Drink plenty of water, some green tea (2-3 times a day), and limit drinks with calories.
      2. Watch your calories – The bottom-line message about calories is that the fewer you eat, the longer you live. Calorie restriction with optimal nutrition should be our motto.
      3. Increase good fats and decrease bad fats – Bad fat (saturated fats), really bad fat (trans fat), and good fat (unsaturated fats).  Good fat foods:  Anchovies, Avocados, Lean Meats (Chicken/Turkey), low-fat cheeses, Nuts (walnuts are the best), Olive oil, Canola oil, Flaxseed oil, Salmon, Soybeans, Tuna.
      4. Reduce your Sugar intake – Sugar spikes your blood sugar level then sends it crashing down about 30 minutes later, leaving you feeling lackluster and dim-witted.  If you want to cut down on your sugar intake, start by cutting out the soda and limiting the cookies, candy and ice cream.  Hold the bread before meals, bread makes you hungrier and encourages you to eat more.
      5. Dump artificial sweeteners and replace them with small amounts of natural sweeteners – Artificial sweeteners can cause joint pain, headaches, increase sugar cravings.  Natural sweeteners like stevia, Xylitol can be used on a limited basis.
      6. Limit caffeine intake – caffeine restricts blood flow to the brain, dehydrates the brain, interferes with sleep, can be addictive in high amounts, can accelerate the heart rate and raise blood pressure, can give you the jitters, increase muscle tension, upset your stomach, elevate inflammatory markers and interfere with fertility.  Caffeine is in a lot of things besides coffee.  Coffee in moderation has some health benefits.
      7. Eat great brain foods – The author lists the top 50 best brain foods.  Lots of fruits, veggies, fish, beans & lentils, whole wheat, chicken/turkey.  One of the big keys is to eat a balanced diet.  Knowing how many servings of each food group you need each day is vital to being healthy.
      8. Reduce salt intake and increase potassium intake – Most foods already have plenty of salt in them, try to avoid adding any on your own.  Foods high in potassium include:  bananas, spinach, honeydew melon, kiwi, lima beans, oranges, tomatoes and all meats.
      9. Plan snacks – Eating every 3-4 hours throughout the day helps to stabilize your blood sugar.  Here are some good options:  Low-fat yogurt & nuts, 1 ounce string cheese & half a cup of grapes, Turkey with an apple, dried fruit with no sugar added.
      10. Take a daily multivitamin/mineral supplement and fish oil – Ninety-one percent of Americans do not eat at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, the minimum required to get good nutrition.  Therefore most of us need to take a supplement.
      11. Recognize when you or someone you care about has hidden food allergies – Certain foods may cause physical, emotional, behavioral, or learning problems.  The most common culprits are peanuts, milk, eggs, soy, fish, shellfish, tree nuts, and wheat.  Others include corn, chocolate, tea, coffee, sugar, yeast, citrus fruits, pork, rye, beef, tomatoes and barley.  Many people with ADD can improve dramatically if they find the foods that they are allergic to and eliminate them from their diet.

The more I study nutrition, the more I am convinced that many of our physical and emotional problems come from poor nutrition.  Most of us would prefer to first medicate instead of dramatically changing the way in which we eat.  God designed our bodies in an amazing way and if we put the right things into our bodies they function better and last longer.  I still have a lot to learn and implement into my life, but I am trying I hope you will as well.