Category: Character

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Emotions & Health

According to the American Institute of Stress, between 75 and 90 percent of all visits to primary-care physicians result from stress-related disorders.

I’ve been reading a great book, Deadly Emotions by Don Colbert, M.D. Much of what he is talking about has to do with understanding how the mind, body and spirit all are connected. When you are not healthy emotionally or spiritually, it is almost impossible to be healthy physically. I have always believed that our thoughts, emotions, body and spirit are all connected and affect each other.

Here are some statements from early in the book:

“The mind and body are linked. How you feel emotionally can determine how you feel physically.”

“Certain emotions release hormones into the physical body that, in turn, can trigger the development of a host of diseases.”

“Researchers have directly and scientifically linked emotions to hypertension, cardiovascular disease, and disease related to the immune system. Studies have also highly correlated emotions with infections, allergies and autoimmune diseases.”

He compares how you get rid of dandelions or crabgrass. If you just mow over them or snap off the top, it may look good for a short period of time, but soon it is back and stronger. His point is you have to get the root if you want to get rid of the weed.

We often try to do what we can to get rid of the immediate symptom and don’t go after the root. We take medication and the problem comes back, we take another round of treatment and the problem comes back, over and over again, often with out much success. Many times we only mask the real problems, by treating the visible symptoms.

The author talks at length about stress and how it affects the body. “The body doesn’t know or care what caused the stress. All the body knows is that it is experiencing stress.” He defines stress as mental or physical tension, strain, or pressure. This often occurs when our perception of events don’t meet our expectations and we do not manage our reaction well. For example when your spouse does not meet your expectations you get stressed out. You might expect your spouse to pay the bills, do the laundry, fix the car or change the diapers. When that does not happen it can cause tension, strain or pressure in the relationship if you don’t manage your response.

According to Dr. Colbert, An emotion like fear, triggers more than fourteen hundred known physical and chemical stress reactions and activates more than thirty different hormones and neurotransmitters. If that happens a lot, your body gets slammed with these hormones and can get out of whack over time.

Some emotions are much more damaging than others. Several that he lists are rage, unforgiveness, depression, anger, worry, frustration, fear, grief, and guilt. These emotions when experienced over long periods of time will most likely cause physical illness or disease.

Did you know that just thinking about a previous deep emotional hurt can cause the body to respond as if those hurts are occurring in that very moment? The longer you dwell on those old hurts and wounds the more you condition your body to respond to the stress more quickly. After awhile one small thought about a person or past situation can trigger a high level of stress within seconds.

Maybe you are feeling highly stressed right now. Maybe you are experiencing some of these damaging emotions on a daily basis. If that is the case, you are heading for some serious health problems or are having severe health problems. You need to get help in getting healthy emotionally. Maybe its seeing a counselor or pastor. Maybe it is meeting with a mentor. Here are a few areas to focus on:

  • Identify irrational or distorted thinking and replace it with truth
  • Forgive – that is a big one for most people
  • Experience joy again through deep contentment (Laughing & Smiling are great medicine)
  • Peace is for everyone and brings healing – Slow down and learn to relax
  • Understand what it means to love – Love yourself and others. Read 1 Cor. 13:4-8

Emotional health is so important to our overall health. I hope you will take this seriously and make it a high priority this next year to work on your emotional health. I will continue to share insights from this book and others on this topic as I read and process the information.

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Picking up Sticks

Yesterday I was outside doing some last minute yard work before the first snow storm. We have a fairly large backyard, and I noticed there were a lot of branches and sticks in the yard from our numerous trees. This is something I do often throughout the year. Usually after a windy day or a rainy day some branches are down.

As I began to pick up branches a thought came to mind – Picking up sticks in my backyard is a lot like life. Let me explain.

To pick up sticks I have to bend down and get close to the ground. After a while I have to go dump the sticks in my hands, so I can collect more sticks. Every so often I need to stop and look over the entire yard to see where I have missed some sticks.

In life we bend down to do things like items on our to-do lists. We get into the tasks of life, work and family. When we are down in it, close to the ground, we can’t see the entire yard. That is why it is so important to stand up, step back and look at the big picture as often as you can.

If you are always doing tasks and have your eyes focused on the little piece of ground you are working on, you can miss some pretty big stuff. You may not see a train wreck coming or maybe you miss some great opportunities. You can mess up your relationships and lose influence with the people around you.

Sometimes you also need to go and empty your arms of the sticks you have been picking up. This frees you to pick up even more sticks or bigger sticks.

So how do you step back and look at this big picture and unload your sticks in life?

First you need to take time to ask your self some important questions – I often do this in a day long retreat.

  1. What are the top three things I need to focus on in my job, my family, my relationships, my faith, my financesm my personal development?
  2. Who am I trying to please and why?
  3. What am I trying to change and why?
  4. What is my personal mission or vision in life?
  5. How much money am I trying to make and why?
  6. How much freedom am I willing to trade for opportunity?
  7. What can only I do?
  8. What can others around me do nearly as good I can? – What can I give away?
  9. What do I need to stop doing?
  10. What one thing would change my life the most if I made that happen in the next month?

After asking yourself questions like that, you need to develop a plan and develop action steps. This is best done for me through setting goals. This time of year I am thinking big picture for 2010. I am reflecting on these and other questions. I am thinking about the next 90 days, 6 months and 18 months. I am setting some goals for my work, my faith, my health, my marriage, my relationships, my education and personal development and my finances.

I will compare this to the one I did last year and then put my strategic plan or life plan on paper, so that I can come back to it often to unload sticks and look at the entire yard. If you don’t have a plan, you can’t spend time working on it. Instead you will constantly be working in it, close to the ground getting tasks done, but possibly missing some things that God has for you.

Tasks are important and you need to get down there some to get things done, but make sure you stop, stand up, look around and develop a plan to cover the entire yard and not just a small part of it. If you need help in this area, I hope to post my system soon to give you an example to work from.

Now get out there and pick up some sticks.

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Books I read in 2009

One of the things that I enjoy is reading. After High School and College I took a short break from reading, but picked it back up soon. I find the more I read the more I learn and grow. Leaders read, and if I want to influence people I need to be learning, growing and changing. For me the most effective way I can do that is by reading. I thought I would share my list of books I finished this past year.

unChristian: What a New Generation Really Thinks about Christianity and Why It Matters unChristian: What a New Generation Really Thinks about Christianity and Why It Matters by David Kinnaman

My rating: 5 of 5 stars
This book knocked my socks off. The research was well done and very informative. If you want to learn about what the younger generation thinks about the church in general this is a must read. The chapter on homosexuality was very eye-opening and helpful. Not only did you get stats, but you got ideas on how to start changing those stats.

View all my reviews >>

I will be listing some of the books on my to-read list soon. Right now I am reading Christian Reflections on The Leadership Challenge by Kouzes & Posner. I also am reading The Partner by John Grisham.

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Why I’m Not Doing Yoga

I am going to be starting the P90X fitness program with some people that I work with in January. This is a very challenging, extreme fitness program for 90 days. I am very excited about starting and have already watched some of the work-outs, bought some of the gear and even did two of the work-outs as a test.

One of the work-outs is Yoga X, which is an extreme version of Yoga. Yoga has become an extremely popular exercise routine for lots of people in the USA. I had never done Yoga before, but I was aware of it and have often cautioned people about some of the dangers of Yoga from a Christian perspective.

So last Friday I did the P90X Yoga work-out. I wanted to see what it was like, and how hard it would be. It was an hour and a half and was a good work-out. I even posted about it on Twitter and Facebook. I was a little uneasy while doing the work-out because he said several times to empty your mind. The names of some of the positions were also a little strange to me. It seemed pretty harmless, yet I felt uneasy and uncomfortable with some parts of the work-out.

This weekend I spoke with a friend about this and was reminded about the origins of Yoga. So I did a little more research and after doing that I have decided to not do Yoga anymore. Instead our workout group will be doing a one hour stretching routine.

As a Christian leader I thought it was important for me to speak to this and explain why I am not doing Yoga. Yoga started in India and comes from the Hindu religion. The word Yoga comes from a word which means yoke or union. Traditionally, yoga is a method joining the individual self with the Divine, Universal Spirit. Physical and mental exercises are designed to achieve this goal, also called enlightenment.

You can Google yoga and read about it for yourself, click here to learn more. A good place to read about the Christian perspective is Got Questions.org. From everything I have read and studied about yoga, it reminds me of New Age Spiritualism. Many of these teachings sound good, healthy and helpful. But none of it points you to a closer personal relationship with Jesus. None of it points you to the Word of God for wisdom and discernment. It talks a lot about looking within yourself and emptying yourself to become united to God.

There are great ways to exercise, stretch and meditate without doing yoga. If you are practicing in yoga, I just want you to be aware of what you are doing. Be very careful about emptying your mind, and looking within or connecting, yoking or uniting with “God”. Many of the positions are acts of worship to gods or spirits. We can connect with God very simply through prayer. Because of Jesus we can go directly to God with everything through prayer. When we meditate we should meditate on God’s word. We should fill our minds with what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely and admirable – Philippians 4:8.

There are many people doing Christian versions of yoga. You need to decide for yourself what to do by praying about it, reading about it to educate yourself. For me, I have decided it is not what is best for my spiritual growth. If any of this offends you, it is not intended to offend. I am simply explaining why I made the decision to not do this and hope you will seek God on what is best for you as well.

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Listen to Me!

We all know that listening is important but how well do we actually do at listening? The word listen means to make an effort to hear or pay attention, to give heed, or to take advice. The key is making an effort. How much of an effort do you make in your listening to your husband, wife, mom, dad, friends, children, employees, co-workers, customers?

A good listener will usually have these four character traits:

  1. Disciplined when they listen & when they talk – Focus on who they are communicating with.
  2. Seek the truth. They want to know what is right, not who is right.
  3. Love quiet time – no radio, no TV, no reading, no Internet, no interruptions. They review their internal thoughts. They are thinkers
  4. Full of questions. They don’t want to misunderstand or be misunderstood.

Sometimes we think that the people around us hear what we say, only to find out later they thought we meant something else. Listening is not enough, we must hear. Listening is not hearing until we fully understand what the other person is trying to communicate.

Most people hear the words that are being spoken and it goes through their filter and perceptions. Then they interpret what is being said, taking into account, all the non-verbals and the context of the communication. Everything we hear goes through a process of our past hurts, hang-ups and disappointments. We draw our conclusions accordingly. That is why people will take what we are saying and take it personally, or take it as an attack when it was not meant that way.

Proverbs 1:5 says “A wise man will hear and increase learning.” If we are going to be successful in our relationships, we must listen, hear and understand what people are saying. When we do that we are expressing that we value the person communicating.

A good way to make sure we understand someone is to simply ask this type of a question: “Is this what you are trying to tell me?” or “Is this what you mean?” This will help to bring clarity to your discussion and avoid a lot of unnecessary disagreements and conflict.

So here are some questions for you to ponder:

  • Who do you have difficulty hearing?
  • How does it make you feel when someone listens and hears you?
  • Are you misunderstood a lot
  • Do you have conflict because of misunderstanding others?
  • How well are you doing in this area of Listening?

Proverbs says if you are wise, you will make every effort to hear and pay attention when people are communicating with you, so that you can increase your understanding, which leads to better relationships, (at least that is my translation).

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Fear

What’s holding you back from living life to the fullest? What fears are causing problems in your relationships? Emotional fear has a way of making us do wacky, irrational things. Emotional fear causes us to do and say things that hurt and confuse those around us. Fear is an emotion of dread or alarm caused by a perceived danger.

Our fears usually come from bad experiences in our lives, when we felt like we were in danger. Things from our childhood, high school, college, bad relationships and abuse whether physical or emotional. When something reminds us of those bad feelings we go into our fear mode. It could be a fear of being rejected again, or maybe a fear of failing or being let down. It could be a fear of being abandoned, controlled, being abused, not being heard or looking stupid. There are many fears that keep us from living life to the fullest.

Dr. Gary Smalley calls this the fear dance in our relationships. Our fear button is pushed, We sense danger, we want it to stop or go away, so we do or say something to make that person stop, which often times pushes their fear button and the process is repeated by the other person.

A very common scenario in many marriage relationships, is one person feels the fear of being rejected or abandoned. This fear causes them to try to control the other person, because they fear losing them. By trying to control the person, it taps that persons fear of being controlled or told what to do. That person pulls further away, because they do not want to be controlled. And around we go, pushing buttons, stuck in the fear dance.

To overcome your fears you must understand them and face them. When you understand what your fear is, you can begin to realize why you do some of the weird stuff you do. So the next time you get into a fight with someone close to you, stop and ask yourself; Why did that make me mad? What am I afraid will happen if I don’t push back? Why does that bother me so much?

The Bible says that Perfect loves drives out fear. Jesus is perfect love, so that is were your focus needs to be in overcoming fear. When you focus on God’s immeasurable love for you, and then allow Him to love others through you, His love will quiet your fears and give you confidence to stop the fear dance.

If you want to learn more about the fear dance and how to learn new relationship dance moves I recommend you read the book – The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley. He even has a quiz in the back of the book to identify your fears. Click here to download the Fear Dance Worksheet.

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How’s the Weather?

We talk about the weather a lot don’t we? When it’s nice out we feel compelled to comment on it and when it’s bad weather outside we often complain about it. In Ohio this is an everyday occurrence. We watch the weather forecasters and watch the weather channel to find out all we can about the weather. Weather does affect our lives in small ways. Sometimes it causes us to change plans or change our moods.

How is your weather? As I was outside today, I started thinking about the weather and how each person has their own weather everyday. Are you party sunny, partly cloudy, mostly sunny, chance of rain, chance of severe thunderstorms? Each day we have a forecast for our weather. The thing about this weather is that we have some control over the weather in our lives.

Our personal weather is affected by what and how we think. Our weather follows our thoughts, so if you are thinking negative, bad thoughts your weather will most likely be mostly cloudy. Now I understand that we can’t always be sunny or happy. There will be those days that are darker than the others. There will be some storms in our life, but how long we stay there depends a lot on our thoughts.

When we dwell on thoughts that are negative, we tend to spiral downward and stay in the storm. We actually increase the strength of the storm the more we stay with those negative thoughts.

So how do you train yourself to think in the right way? Philippians 4:4-8 describes this process well in the Message version.

“Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in Him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you’re on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute! Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.”

So if your weather has been mostly cloudy or if you’ve been experiencing severe weather in your life examine what you have been thinking about. We become what we think about. Our hearts are fed by our thoughts. The Bible says to guard our hearts, and the best way to do that is to be careful what we think about and where we focus our minds. You have the ability to drastically improve your weather, starting today.

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Elements of True Thanksgiving

With Thanksgiving day tomorrow I’ve been thinking about giving thanks. Being thankful means to express gratitude or appreciation. I found the word thankful, thankfulness, thanks and thanksgiving 18 times in Scripture.

The first is in 1 Chronicles 16:8 – “Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done.” Verses 7-36 describe how David gave thanks. Go ahead and read it for yourself.

There are four elements of true thanksgiving found in these verses:

  1. Remember what God has done
  2. Tell others about it
  3. Show God’s glory to others
  4. Offer gifts of yourself, your time, and your resources

The emphasis is to remember, tell, show and offer. If you are truly thankful, your life will reflect it. This Thanksgiving take some time to do those four things. Choose to express gratitude and show appreciation to everyone around you. When you carry that thankful attitude around with you, your relationships will all improve and people will want to be around you.

Have a great Thanksgiving

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Hot Pursuit

We all are pursuing something. We were created to be and do. What we pursue is what we think most about. Our energy goes in that direction, our thoughts lead to actions to help us pursue that something.

I remember when I was pursuing my wife. We were in High School, she was two years older, a cheerleader, popular and somewhat interested in me. I found myself pursuing her, thinking about her all the time. I wanted to spend all my time with her. Whenever I had a chance to be with her, I chose that path. I pursued her even when she was not interested in me. That persistence paid off and we started going steady. I gave things up for her, I spent less time with my friends to be with her. I wanted her and so I pursued her.

I continued to pursue her through High School and through my first two years of college. I pursued her for 5 years. We got married on May 27th 1989. I have continued to pursue her over the past 20 years. I continue to think about her, spend time with her, have conflict with her, resolve conflict with her, serve her, learn about her and be with her.

When we pursue something with persistence we can achieve some amazing things. For me it has been 20 years of marriage. When you pursue your career and that is your main focus you can make lots of money. If you pursue physical fitness you can achieve amazing results like running marathons. If you pursue close friendships you can have amazing community, accountability and unconditional love. When you pursue knowledge/education you can become a expert on nearly anything you study.

What if you would pursue God like that? What if you pursued truth like that? What if you pursued wisdom like that? The results could be amazing as well. What would happen if you actually read through the entire Bible over the next three months? What would happen if you spent time daily praying, meditating on truth and thinking about God? What if you pursued God like you pursue your job or your marriage or your girlfriend or your education? What if He was the main thing you thought about no matter what was going on in your life?

We all pursue something, when we are not in pursuit of something we are stagnate, bored and often depressed. Pursuing something with passion has great power. What are you pursuing? A year from now how much closer will you be to what you are pursuing?

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Sexual Integrity

I went to a workshop over the weekend on Sexual Integrity. Four Mentors from NewPointe Community Church joined me. The speaker was Jason Martinkus from Redemptive Living and Every Mans Battle. Here are some of the notes I took:

Sexual additions are affecting everyone, whether famous, unknown, young or old. Here are some statistics that are eye opening:

  • Total porn industry revenue in the USA in 2006 was 13 Billion
  • Unique visitors to online porn sites in one month average is 61 Million
  • Revenue from mobile phone adult content so far in 2009 is 2.7 Billion
  • 60% of men in church struggle with online pornography
  • 30% of online porn viewers are women
  • The average age of introduction to pornography for young men is 9-11 yrs old

Jason then went on to share his personal story of sexual addiction and how it nearly destroyed his life. To read his story go to redemptive living.

Here are some more notes I took from his talk:

  • It’s not about the sex,but about the sin
  • Jesus always deals with the heart attitude, see Matthew 5:27-28. Behavior is just the actions of our heart.
  • Sexual immorality can impede our sanctification process
  • Sin always offers us something. Often it is an opportunity to meet a legitimate need in an illegitimate way.
  • There is a healthy & Unhealthy way to meet every need we have. Food is a good example, as is relationships and sex.
  • Two key enemies we face are the devil and the flesh.
  • Four areas of lies from the devil
  1. Lies about God & God’s will
  2. Lies about Scripture – Twisting the meaning of God’s Word
  3. Lies about our identity
  4. Lies about our heart

Countermeasures against those lies is how we prepare ourselves. Fasting & Prayer are keys. Are you connecting with God on a regular basis, growing deeper in your relationship with Him?

Notes from his talk about the flesh:
The Mind:

  • Philippians 4:8 – Think about these things – True, Noble, Right, Pure, Lovely, Admirable, Excellent, Praiseworthy. What you think about creates a worn path or highway in your mind.
  • When lustful thoughts kick in, you can’t just stop it, you must replace those thoughts with the good pure things in your life like your children, wife, sunrise, God’s creation, good food etc.
  • Objectification vs. Personification – seeing people as people and not as objects. Seeing a young woman as someones daughter, granddaughter or sister and not just an object.
  • The eyes – WYSIWYG – What you see is what you get! What you put your eyes on is what you store in your mind.
  • 1 & 1 Rule – No more than one look for one second. If you look at a woman and do not recognize her in that first one second, look away.
  • Internet & Phone filters are band aids dealing with symptoms and not the root issues.

The Body:

  • 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 – Make the temple, the body a really special place for the Holy Spirit to dwell.
  • One of the ways we defile our bodies is through masturbation
  • Masturbation is like giving yourself a hug, the medium through which you increasingly adore yourself. It keeps you trapped in the prison of yourself.

The Heart:

  • God is much more concerned about changing your heart, instead of your behavior.
  • Imago Dei – We are created in the image of an emotional God. We were created to experience emotional highs and lows and not stay steady or level all the time with our emotions.
  • You see this in children, high a low emotions (happy then crying). As they get older they rain in their emotions, because that is what we teach them to do.
  • We need to expand our emotional range to experience life to the fullest.
  • There are three levels of communication – Content, Thought, Emotion
  • Content is data, It’s the data of life. It’s sunny, it’s cloudy,
  • Thought is what I think about the data. I like it better when it’s sunny outside.
  • Emotion is what I feel about the content. When it’s sunny outside I feel energized and happier.
  • Most men stay on the content level of communication, because its safe.
  • Most women talk on an emotional level. When one person is talking on a content or thinking level and the other at a feeling level they miscommunicate.
  • To men, I hear what your thinking, tell me what you are feeling.

Holes in the heart:

  • We tend to put square pegs in the round holes in our hearts
  • Most of the holes in our hearts are developed in our childhood
  • Three most common holes
  1. Incompetence – Fear of Failure – not good enough, always need to improve or perform.
  2. Insignificance – Fear of Rejection – Do I really matter, Am I important?
  3. Impotence – Fear of Powerlessness – Can I make a difference?
  • You do what you do because you are looking for something. There is something driving you to go there. There is a reason you are doing what you are doing. Usually it is to fill a hole in your heart.
  • Sexual sin becomes a square peg to fill a round hole in our hearts.

Help for Hurting Souls:

  • Allies, You can’t do this alone. This can only happen if there is a no shame zone or a safe place to share without judgement.
  • We were created for community. Do you have an inner circle? Do you have men or women that will ask tough questions, love you unconditionally?
  • You need connection with people on a deep level and you need counsel from people that have walked the walk and can give you guidance.
  • With your allies, you need to share everything, come clean on everything. If you are holding something back, it will hold you back
  • Confession is vital to the beginning of recovery and wholeness.
  • To help people in sexual sin, Love and Grace are vital.
  • Connection, Accountability & Relationship are the keys to recovery.

I hope some of my notes were helpful to you. If you struggle with any kind of sexual sin, there is hope for you to overcome it. You can’t do it alone though, so get some help. Ask some people close to you to walk with you through this journey to sexual integrity.