Category: Character

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What Love Really Means

I have been thinking a lot about marriage lately. I have had individuals and couples coming to me asking for help. Many are broken, hurting, confused and angry. As I listen to the different stories of heartache and struggle, my advice is usually similar to anyone I talk with.

  • Focus on yourself and making changes that will make you a better person
  • Re-Focus on your relationship with God and growing more intimate with Him
  • Listen carefully to what Jesus says

Today I was reading in the book of John and came across this amazing command that Jesus gave us. It is very simple yet profound and if put into practice can dramatically change us and our relationships. It’s found in John Chapter 13 verse 34 – “A new command I give you: Love one another. That’s the first part of the verse, and you might be saying to yourself OK but how do I do that? I know I should love her, but I don’t have any feelings for her anymore. I know I should love him but I just don’t.

Jesus is using the word love here as an action, a verb, not a noun. Some people would define love as the feeling you feel when you feel a feeling like you’ve never felt before. That is not what Jesus is talking about here. Love is not a feeling or a thing, it is an action. Jesus is telling us to love one another through how we treat each other, how we talk to each other, how we think about each other.

Later in the book of Ephesians Paul talks about Submitting to each other, which is another way of saying love each other through the action of submitting.

The rest of verse 34 says this – “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” So here is the marriage saving, relationship changing question – How do I love other people like Jesus loves me?

Jesus is commanding us to love one another at the same level as he loved us. His love was sacrificial. Jesus says that when we love like he loves it shows we are his disciples. If you are a follower of Christ, you represent his church. So do people see bickering, jealousy, disunity, gossip, anger, bitterness, pride and ego instead of unconditional love.

Love is more than warm fuzzy feelings, those feelings come and go; its an attitude that reveals itself in action. Love is something that must be learned and improved over time. This type of love does not come naturally, but supernaturally from God. So, how can we love others, including our spouse, as Jesus loves us?

  • By helping when it’s inconvenient
  • By serving when we would rather be served
  • By giving when it hurts
  • By showing kindness and gentleness
  • By listening
  • By believing the best instead of the worst
  • By persevering through the tough times
  • By making time in our busy schedules (not just time but quality time)
  • By slowing down to notice when someone is hurting and do something to help
  • By asking for forgiveness and forgiving others
  • By resolving conflict, instead of burying it

Now go read what Paul has to say in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 about this kind of love.

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Panic & Desperation

I read this great quote from Jim Collins the other day:

“When we find ourselves in trouble, when we find ourselves on the cusp of falling, our survival instinct-and our fear-can evoke lurching, reactive behavior absolutely contrary to survival. The very moment when we need to take calm, deliberate action, we run the risk of doing the exact opposite and bringing about the very outcomes we most fear.”

When I read that I said wow. How true that often is. Desperate people tend to do desperate things. When you panic you tend to do things that do even more damage.

Maybe your marriage is slipping away and you begin to panic. You start grasping for anything out there that can “save” your marriage. You run the risk here of pushing the other person further away by trying to control the situation and outcome. The tighter your grip the worse it gets.

This is when you need to loosen your grip and focus on yourself. Face the fears that are causing you to respond and react in unhealthy ways. Get help for yourself, not the other person. If they make that choice as well, great. If not you need to keep working on your rough edges and blind spots. You need to work on becoming the best version of you possible. That means learning to speak the love language of your spouse. Communicating in ways that connect with your spouse. Looking for ways you can serve, respect and love your spouse.

This quote applies in almost all areas of life, whether business or personal. When you are going down, try not to panic and make a quick decision. Get wise counsel, read God’s word, be patient and listen more than you talk. Examine yourself and your motives. Ask yourself tough questions and work on developing a plan of action with specific clear things you can do to improve your situation. If it’s your finances then talk with someone that knows about finances and set some clear achievable goals to start working on.

Don’t allow your fears to paralyze you or cause you to panic. When you face them, with God, you can overcome nearly all obstacles. You will also emerge a stronger healthier person.

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Forgiveness

This week I worked through something called “Steps to Freedom in Christ”. Actually our entire staff walked through it. I have used this with many people over the years, but it had been a while since I did it. It is kind of like a good house cleaning, sweeping out all the junk that has been accumulating over the years.

The one area that surprised me was the section on forgiveness. I did not think I had anyone to forgive, but as I prayed and asked God to bring people to my mind that I needed to forgive, a bunch of people came to my mind. Most of them were small seemingly insignificant things that happened in the past. I was able to write their names down and then forgive each person by name and specifically what they did and how it made me feel. I let go of any ill feelings I had held and it felt good.

So what is forgiveness? I believe it is an act of compassion or love expressed when you are sinned against.

  • Forgiveness Cancels a debt – When there is a debt, someone must pay. Either the one who owes must pay it back, or the one owed must take a loss. Forgiveness requires that the person who has sinned make amends or the one who has been sinned against must bear the pain and loss himself. Let’s say you borrow my chainsaw. When you return it the chain is broken. I can either make you pay for the repair or I can pay for it myself. Either way, someone has to absorb the cost. We can’t pretend the chain is not broken. If I choose to pay for the repair, then I have forgiven you your debt; it’s canceled. When you forgive the debt, you no longer expect to be paid back.
  • Forgiveness is a three fold promise –
  1. I will not bring up this offense again or use it against you.
  2. I will not bring it up to others in gossip, or malign you because of it.
  3. I will not bring it up to myself and dwell on the offense.

For more on this idea of forgiveness, go read Matthew Chapter 18:21-35 – The parable of the unmerciful servant.

  • Forgiveness is an event and a process – What I mean by that is that forgiveness is a choice, an event where I decide to forgive a person. However it is a process, because every time I think about the offense I need to continue to forgive, to not bring it back up and dwell on it.
  • Forgiveness is not forgetting – When I forgive someone, I can’t erase my memory. I don’t have a reset button. In Isaiah 43:25 God says that He will “not remember our sins”, He is saying that he will not use our past sins against us. Forgetting can be a long-term result of forgiving.
  • Forgiveness is not Peace at all Costs – Sometimes we think that if we forgive someone we become a doormat, and people will walk all over us. Scripture does not tell us to make it easy for people to sin against us. It calls us to love them well by challenging their actions. Godly confrontation is a healthy thing and so are healthy boundaries. Forgiveness and trust are not the same. Trust must be rebuilt through changed behavior and actions.

If there is someone you need to forgive, don’t wait until you feel like it, because that is unlikely to ever happen. Make that choice to forgive, even if they don’t deserve it. Unforgiveness is one of the biggest causes of emotional damage that people carry. It damages our relationships and keeps us in bondage. It can cause depression and anxiety and even physical illness. Unforgiveness hurts you not the other person. Make the wise choice today and forgive from your heart and cancel any debts that are hanging out there.

Here is the prayer I prayed:
Lord Jesus, I choose to forgive (name the person) for (what he or she did or failed to do) because it made me feel (share the painful feelings; i.e rejected, worthless, inferior).
Lord, I choose not to hold on to my resentment. I relinquish my right to seek revenge and ask You to heal my damaged emotions. Thank You for setting me free from the bondage of bitterness. I now ask you to bless those who have hurt me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

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How Relationships Decline

I recently started reading a book call “How the Mighty Fall” by Jim Collins. It’s about how great companies can decline and actually cease to exist. This can happen very quickly or over a long period of time. He has identified 5 stages of decline for companies that fall. As I was reading this it occurred to me that I see similarities in our relationships that fall. Whether it’s a marriage relationship, dating relationship, friendships or family relationships.

The first stage toward decline is what he calls “Hubris Born of Success”. This stage kicks in when a person becomes arrogant, thinking they have arrived in this relationship and we don’t have many problems. They start to drift away from the foundations of what made this a great relationship. It’s the idea of courtship and pursuing your mate and then after marriage you become lax and a bit more selfish. When you are falling in love, often you are blind to warning signs.

Stage 2 is “Undisciplined Pursuit of More”. Collins says this is when companies go for more scale, more growth, more acclaim, more of whatever they view as success. Maybe getting into areas they cannot be great at, or growing too fast. In relationships this is when we start doing things that are not best for the relationship, but feel like success. It could be after getting married you need that new house and other material stuff. It could be having children right away. It could be getting married too quickly and not taking time to date and build a foundation. In a dating relationship it may be moving in together and living together, or starting to have sex. In other relationships it could be always doing the things you like instead of finding out what the other person likes.

Stage 3 is called “Denial of Risk and Peril”. At this stage internal warning signs are going off, yet we ignore them and keep doing what we are doing. We might discount negative feedback we get from our spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend or friends. We justify behavior and blame external factors for our problems. We think this is just a temporary setback and things will get better soon. We don’t take advice from people trying to help. We hope things will get better, yet don’t make any changes.

Stage 4 is called “Grasping for Salvation”. Things have continued to decline and get worse and now we see there really is a problem. Now we start looking for the quick fix. We start trying to find an easy way to get things back on track. It might be getting a book to read on marriage or relationships. Maybe even starting talking with someone about the problem. We watch Dr. Phil faithfully. Maybe we even start going to church again or get in a small group. Calling your pastor or counselor and schedule an appointment, hoping they can fix this mess.

Stage 5 is called “Capitulation to Irrelevance or death.” This is when the relationship ends. It’s usually when the feeling is hopelessness. Nothing we have tried has worked and we are tired of trying to fix it. It is easier to just end it and move on.

If you have reached stage 4 in any of your relationships, you can pull out of it, but it will take some courage to get back to the basics of rebuilding the foundation. Usually the ones that make it are the ones that are willing to focus on themselves and making personal changes toward being less selfish, stubborn, closed or angry. Forgiveness is usually the key to turning the relationship around and reconciling. I will write more on Forgiveness in my next post.

If your declining, go back and focus on what built the relationship in the first place. Look at yourself and not the other person. Get help early instead of later. Involve God in this process as well. It is always best to start working on your spiritual growth when you are declining in any of your relationships. That tends to be a major reason why things decline, is because people tend to gradually shut God out of their lives and relationships as they decline. Getting back on track with God can help you get back on track relationally.

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Fear, Storms & Trust

Why are you so afraid? Jesus spoke those words to his followers after he calmed a storm. It’s a question he is still asking all of us. Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?

Here is what was happening at that time. Jesus had been building his ministry and had attracted many people. He had just spent most of the day teaching the people gathered about the Kingdom of God. He was teaching in stories, and many of the people had trouble understanding the stories and their full meaning. He would always take time to fully explain his stories to his closest followers. The Bible tells us that when he was alone with his own disciples, he explained everything.

So after a day of teaching and then explaining the teaching in simple terms to his disciples, he said to his disciples “Let’s go over the other side.” So off they go to cross the Sea of Galilee. This sea is known for having violent and unexpected storms. When the storm hit, these seasoned fishermen panicked, thinking the storm was going to sink the boats and they would drown. As this storm began, Jesus was sleeping. He was tired from a long day of teaching. They finally woke him up and said; don’t you care if we drown?

Does any of this sound familiar? Our lives are full of unexpected violent storms. It often feels like Jesus is sleeping and does not care that we are in this storm. We feel like we need to cry out and wake him up. We want him to keep us safe and take the storm away.

The disciples knew who Jesus was, they believed what he was teaching them, yet they underestimated his power. They did not fully trust that he would not let them drown. We are the same way, we believe in God and may even have read and studied what he has to teach us; yet we don’t fully trust him with the storms that come up in our lives.

Think about the storms in your life-the situations that cause you great anxiety. Whatever your difficulty or challenge, you have two options:

  • You can worry and assume that Jesus no longer cares like the disciples did.
  • Or, you can resist that fear, and trust that God is in control and He will guide you through the storm.

We too often try to take control of the ship and fix things on our own. When we do that and exclude God, he patiently waits for us to come to him and trust him, to put our faith in him.

Here are two lessons we learn in life’s storms:

  • You and I must trust what God has told us. He has promised to never leave us or forsake us.
  • You and I must remind ourselves who’s in the boat with us. When God permits us to go through a life storm, it’s usually to show us that there is no problem he can’t solve. There is no storm that is too big for him.

Traveling through these storms with Jesus in our boat strengthens our faith, develops our character and deepens our relationship with him. That only happens when we completely trust him no matter what comes our way. Even when we don’t understand why something is happening, God wants us to trust him and not be afraid. When we try to lean on our own understanding we will fall down and miss what God has for us.

Proverbs 3:5-6 say “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Leaning means putting our full weight on him, resting on him without fear of falling. God knows what is best for us, because he has a much bigger perspective than we do.

If you are in the middle of a life storm, know that Jesus is in the boat with you, or you can invite him into your boat. Once there, he will never leave you, he will stick with you through the most violent storms imaginable. Lean on him when you don’t know what your next move should be. Trust God completely, he might not make the storm go away, but he will not let you drown.

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Questions

Anytime you are feeling stuck it helps to ask the right questions. Maybe it’s someone else asking you some questions to draw out what is inside you. Maybe it’s asking yourself some questions to reflect on where you are and where you want to go.

For me asking questions has been very helpful in my own growth and also in helping other people grow. I often think about what my next step is in many different areas of my life. It may be my marriage and how I can make improvements in that important relationship. It may be my spiritual growth and relationship with God. I also ask questions about my financial situation and goals and what I can do to improve that area of my life. I also reflect often about my work and what I need to do better as a leader. So whatever area you want to focus on whether personal or work, these questions can help bring some clarity to what your next steps might be.

  1. What is happening in your world? Tell me about it?
  2. What is going well? What is not going well? (This question helps you zero in on the area most important to you right now)
  3. What is really important to you right now?
  4. What obstacles are you facing?
  5. What is success in this area and what is keeping you from success?
  6. What resources are out there that may be helpful to you?
  7. Who can you talk to that may be able to help you?
  8. What is working? What is not working?
  9. What are you learning?
  10. What is your next step? List 2-3 specific things that you can do over the next week to improve your current situation.

When you ask the right questions you can dig down to the root issues and start addressing those, instead of the surface stuff. So if you feel stuck, plateaued, or declining in certain areas of your life, ask your self some of these questions. Or have a trusted friend ask them.

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Plateau

The dictionary defines a plateau as a state or level of little or no growth or decline; to stop increasing or progressing; remain at a stable level of achievement; level off. Does that describe any area of your life? Maybe spiritually, physically or relationally.

I have been working out for over 8 weeks now. It is a pretty intense program with a variety of exercises. I kind of felt like I was doing pretty well. I wasn’t sore anymore and I was able to keep up with most of the exercises. On Monday I did a new workout that I had not done yet. Those new exercises were a real challenge for me. I made it through the workout, but I could tell I was being pushed to a higher level of fitness. The next day I could feel the effects of the workout. I was sore and stiff in several areas of my body.

That soreness is an indication that my muscles have been stressed and that they are rebuilding and will be even stronger. Maybe you have been working out for a while doing the same thing. It might be running, walking, biking, basketball or whatever exercise machine you like. If you don’t change up your workouts from time to time your body gets used to it and you plateau.

To go to new levels physically, spiritually, relationally or emotionally you need to change up the way you are doing things.

To keep growing spiritually we need to keep progressing on that journey with God. Many people plateau spiritually because they are not experiencing God in new meaningful ways. Sometimes we get stuck in the same old routine, doing our favorite things.

Churches can also plateau by doing the same thing over and over again. Things that once worked well and where helpful are now just something to be checked off. Churches and individuals need to try some new things and keep it fresh by using some spiritual muscles you may not have used for a while.

So if you feel like you have plateaued spiritually, physically, relationally or emotionally here are some things you can do to get back on track:

  • Get some help from a person that can coach you and encourage you – A personal trainer, counselor, executive coach, pastor etc.
  • Talk to some people that are further ahead of you in whatever area you are plateaued.
  • Try to do something you have not done before – A different workout, try a new sport, give more, volunteering at church or in the community, find a partner to train with, forgive, write some thank you notes to people that have influenced your life, read a book, write a story.
  • Change up your routines – drive a different route to work, Stop and spend time praying in the middle of the day, do a random act of kindness, Fast for a day or three, confess your sin to a trusted friend, listen more than you talk, take a break from texting, facebook or the Internet.
  • Be real – trying to fake it is the biggest way to plateau and start declining.
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Walls

What do you do when you hit a wall emotionally or spiritually? Most of us try to find another way around that wall. In other words we choose another path with less resistance instead of trying to break through that wall. The funny thing is God usually brings us back to same place again and again until we break through. Many times we can get lost trying to find another way instead of working on a way to break through that wall. On the other side of that wall is new freedom and emotional health. This process builds our character and increases our faith if we are persistent.

To break through those tough walls in our lives, Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 10:5 to recognize lies that are holding us back and replace those lies with God’s truth. The way in which we think directs our behavior and that thinking often times keeps us behind walls and stagnate in our spiritual growth.

When our thinking changes and lines up with the way God thinks, we can break through those obstacles. Our thoughts have power. To win over them, we must submit to Christ and control what we allow our mind to dwell on. The more we dwell on God’s truth the more we can recognize the lies that are holding us back from the freedom God wants us to have.

Whatever walls we face, to keep growing spiritually and emotionally we must face those walls head on and keep pushing to get to the other side and freedom. God has promised to always be with us, and if we lean on Him for strength we can break through any obstacles on our spiritual journey.

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Self-medicating

Are you self-medicating? When we experience physical pain or illness we seek medicines from the doctor to cure the ailment or end the pain. However when we hurt emotionally or spiritually, we usually end up medicating ourselves in ways that numb the pain but rarely cure the hurt.

We self-medicate in many ways, but the goal is always to mask the pain of whatever we have experience or are experiencing. We look for things that make us feel good for a short period of time. It can range from actual drugs like tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, painkillers or sleeping pills to things like caffeine, food in general, chocolate or ice cream. Other times it can be things like pornography, affairs, spending money, gossiping, or over-working.

All of these things ignore the real issues in our life and keep us from experiencing real freedom and relational health. The best way to medicate ourselves is to turn to God. He tells us to cast all our worries and problems on Him, because He can handle it all. God invites us to give our anxiety, depression, anger, frustration, greed, jealousy, fears and worries to Him and let Him deal with it.

That sounds simple, but it can be hard to do. Why? because we like to take those things back after we give them to God. We like to go back to what is familiar and comfortable. So, when you catch yourself self-medicating after you have been hurt, pause and invite God in to help you deal with the real hurt you experienced. When you open your heart and pour it out to God He fills it back up with healing, comfort and peace.

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LifeStyle Change

I am so excited about the new series NewPointe Community Church is starting called “The Me I Want To Be”. Most of us know that the person we are right now is not the best version, the version God designed us to be. At times we get glimpses of that best version, but those times can be few and far between. One of the things that I have discovered is that to achieve true long lasting change I need to change my life style, not just a few behaviors.

About three years ago my wife and I made the decision to get healthy. We got involved in a wellness program that helped us to lose weight. We both dropped weight over the three months we were on the program. What usually happens after we lose weight is that we slowly gain it all back, because we are not on the “program or diet” anymore. This time it was different for Vikki and I. We made the decision to make this a lifestyle change. We decided to keep doing the things that gave us the great results. We continued to eat the right kinds of food in the right portions. We continued to exercise, actually we both increased our exercise over the past three years.

Guess what happened, we started to think differently about food and exercise. We started to think in a healthy way about what we ate and how we exercised. The results have been great for us both. Between the two of us we have lost over 60 pounds and kept it off. We lowered our cholesterol, mine dropped over 100 points, and lowered our body fat.

I am now running in 5k’s and hope to run my first half marathon this spring. I have been in an extreme exercise program for 7 weeks and have improved my conditioning, strength and flexibility dramatically. I guess you could say we have made significant lifestyle changes physically.

I have started making some of the same changes spiritually and emotionally as well. I am working on my spiritual growth the same way I worked on my physical growth. I have developed a growth plan for my spiritual life, my relational life, my financial life and my physical life. I now have a road map that I refer to to keep me on track.

In any area of our lives positive growth doesn’t just happen. When we are not focused on growing and being healthy spiritually, emotionally and physically we get out of shape. To get back into good shape, it takes hard work and long lasting changes.

For me to grow spiritually I need to spend time with God, in ways that work for me. Each of us do that in different ways. What works for me may not work for others.

One of the things NewPointe has done to help people grow spiritually is a new website called The Change Inside. You can go there every day for a Scripture to read and a short devotional to read. I encourage everyone to go there over the next couple months. Start to make changes in how you think about spiritual growth. Look for ways you can connect with God and draw closer to Him. You can also get a NewPointe devotional at our bookstore or at the info desk at the Millersburg & Louisville campuses.

Don’t wait to make a lifestyle change, start today by making the decision that a year from now you will be closer to the person you want to be.